[FIC] To Love Again Chapter 6
Title: To Love Again
Chapter Title: Sad Romance
Author: sbluesnow
Group(s): Super Junior
Main: Archive
Pairing(s): Kibum x Eunhyuk, Eunhyuk x Sungmin, Shindong x Eunhyuk, Yesung x Eunhyuk, Leeteuk x Eunhyuk, Yoochun x Eunhyuk
Chapter(s): 6/6
Summary: When it's not love, its hate but the feeling of love lingers. What is it then? To not love again when you're still in love, how do you forget?
Previous: Go to Archive
-x-
Eunhyuk’s POV
Tossing and turning in his sleep, Eunhyuk just couldn’t sleep. He had tried counting monkeys, chanting a mantra, praying, listening to a song, drinking warm milk. Nothing worked apparently. He just couldn’t sleep.
Rolling on his side, Eunhyuk wrapped the blanket around him tighter and cleared his mind of all thoughts. It had worked for a while and just when he was about to fall asleep something caught his ears. He heard the sound of a piano. And then the sound of violins. Combined it was amazing. The sound was so sad. But it was beautiful as well. The sounds of violins. The piece was really soothing. So soothing that it was making Eunhyuk sleepy but the more he listened the more curious he got. Sitting upright in his bed, he began to look around his room for where the sounds of violins were coming from. After looking around everywhere in his room, Eunhyuk got out of bed and walked towards the door.
Everyone else is out except for Kibum but he’s sleeping. So where is that sound coming from?
Poking his head out the door, the sad sounds of the violins got a bit louder.
It’s not possible for someone to be playing outside right? I mean we’re on the 11th floor!
Walking down the hall and towards the living as softly as he could without making a sound. As he got closer to the living room, the beautiful sound of violins got even louder. The sound wasn’t so loud that it’d wake the neighbours in the middle of the night. But loud enough for a person to just listen and think about everything and nothing in their lives. To just listen and enjoy the song.
In the living room stood by the veranda with the doors open, letting the night breeze softly blow into the room, letting the floor to ceiling white curtains occasionally lift and fly up in the air, with the CD player playing the violins and piano instrumental was a person playing the violin with their eyes closed. Taking a step closer and surprisingly not bumping or tripping over himself, Eunhyuk was in awe at who the violinist was. It was Kibum.
He was so lost in the song and continued to play it that he didn’t realize Eunhyuk was standing there. Eunhyuk couldn’t say anything or do anything. The sight was just amazing. He was wearing a black wife beater with black sweats that hung low on his waist and had his back facing Eunhyuk so Eunhyuk only got to see his reflection in the window. He looked so peaceful and sad in Eunhyuk’s mind. The song itself was sad.
The piece is so beautiful but why is Kibum playing such a sad song? Is he in pain?
Eunhyuk was lost in his own thoughts and Kibum was lost in his own world of music. The song was coming to an end but it seemed to both the player and the audience, they didn’t want the song to end. They didn’t want to have to come back to reality and they wanted to stay in their a little longer in their own worlds where they didn’t have to deal with reality’s impossibilities. The impossibilities of what they can’t have and who doesn’t love them back. Those who don’t love them back because their hearts belong to others. Others who are their friends and they can’t do anything but accept it and try to move on. Try to move on and be happy with their own lives and not dwell on the past. It’s so hard to do that though. The slightest thing can make the pain come back. Especially when you see the person you love so happy because of someone else. Or worst to see the person you love in pain and you can’t do anything about it because you have no right to. To help as a friend but that will only cause more damage than actually heal. Many tears and sleepless nights occur when your heart is aching. When there is no cure. The tears just don’t stop. There’s nothing you can do except cry. Cry your heart out. Cry out your worries. Cry out your pain. Cry for all the emotions that you feel. Cry until you can’t feel anymore. What they wanted was an escape from reality. The song was an escape from reality. Where they didn’t have to think. Just feel. Feel the power of the piece. The melody of the piece. The piece’s meaning. To just let the piece take over their mind and emotions and let the piece play out their problems. To let the piece show their problems to the world. To let it all out. And when it comes to an end, the problems don’t disappear. They never do but with time, they seem less painful to deal with. When it comes to an end, the problems, then hurt is less painful.
The song came to an end. The CD player stopped and went silent. As if dead to the world. Dead to the people in the room. Kibum hadn’t let go of his violin nor did he move from his stance. He continued to hold the violin under his chin with the bow in one hand hanging loosely at his side as if just to stay in his dream a little longer.
Minutes had passed. Both inhabitants in the room hadn’t moved from their spot. Finally removing the violin from under his chin, Kibum held it to the side and opened his eyes. Looking downwards he took a deep breath and sighed. Turning around he took a step forward towards the couch to where he had put the violin case but stopped in his tracks when he saw Eunhyuk standing by the corner of the room.
Eunhyuk who this entire time was memorized by Kibum’s playing just stood there and said nothing. Kibum looked at Eunhyuk and Eunhyuk looked back at Kibum. Neither wavering their gaze on one another. Kibum’s eyes narrowed and his entire being sent off a cold feeling around him. Involuntarily, Eunhyuk shivered just from the feeling he was receiving from Kibum.
"How long have you been standing there?" Kibum growled.
"Almost since the beginning of the piece."
"Why didn’t you say anything or made any movement to show that you were in the room?"
"Because then you’d stop."
"So?"
"It was really beautiful. I didn’t want it to end."
"Well it has." Kibum said, walking over to the couch, putting the violin away and closing the case. Leaving the case on the couch, Kibum walked past Eunhyuk to go to his room. "Good night."
"Wait!" Eunhyuk called out, grabbing onto Kibum’s wrist with both of his hands. Pulling Kibum back, Eunhyuk looked at Kibum. He’d never seen the younger like this. Kibum who was usually quiet and had the façade of being unapproachable from far it was at least possible to converse with him and get a reply. Now it was different. It seemed that he had thousands upon thousands of soldiers protecting him from anyone and anything. From harm and from love. His entire being was just screaming ‘stay-the-fuck-away-from-me-if-you-want-to-live’. Even though Eunhyuk was scared for his life he was also in pain for seeing his dongsaeng like this. Kibum had never been this angry before.
Why is Kibum like this? Why is he protecting himself like I am?
"Kibum why?"
"Why what?" Kibum said trying to yank his arm away from Eunhyuk’s grasp.
"Why are you acting like this?" Eunhyuk said tightening his hold on Kibum’s wrist. "Why are you being so cold to me?" he said looking into Kibum’s blank eyes. Looking straight into Eunhyuk’s own eyes he could see the other was hurt and scared.
"Why am I being so cold to you?" Kibum said emphasizing his words to point where it was like daggers being thrown at Eunhyuk.
"Yes! What happened? Who did this to you?"
"What happened is none of your business Eunhyuk sshi. Now if you’d kindly release my wrist so I can go to bed."
It was like a slap in the face. Kibum being formal with him. The members are only formal with each other on shows or radios. When the camera’s on but when it’s off they talk to each other without the formalities. At first it was a little hard to getting used to but eventually they all became together as one family. And for it to suddenly change now, it hurt a lot.
"You didn’t answer my question. Who did this to you?" Eunhyuk asked his gaze on the ground, his eyes close to shedding tears.
Kibum looked at Eunhyuk’s lowered head and glared at him.
"You have no right to ask me that! Now LET ME GO!" Kibum yelled successfully yanking his wrist out of Eunhyuk’s hold. Kibum stormed into his room and slammed the door behind him.
Eunhyuk couldn’t believe it. Kibum had raised his voice at him. Kibum has never done that. Kibum the one person who’s been through everything with him. Who’s been there for him in his time of need. The one person that kept their promise. Now gone.
Eunhyuk sank to the floor and pulled his legs as close as he could to his body and wrapped his arms around his legs with his head buried in his knees. He started to cry.
WHY? WHY KIBUM? WHY? You promised that you wouldn’t leave like him! You promised me that! You were with me when Yoochun broke up with me to be with Junsu. You helped me cope with it. Now why? Why are you shunning me out when I let you in? You had promised that no matter what you wouldn’t leave me like Chunnie did. But you lied. The one person I trust again breaks that promise. Why Bummie? What did I do to deserve this? Rejection from my lover and now rejection from the only person I have left. Why Bummie? I just don’t get it.
Eunhyuk hadn’t realized that he said his thoughts out loud until he heard Kibum’s voice.
"You don’t get it because try being in my position. To see the person you love not being able to move on from that bastard! I don’t care that Yoochun is still in your heart Eunhyuk. What I care is that you can’t see past your old love! You’re burying yourself with something that’s over! I love you and I always have. Do you know how hard it is to see the person you want so badly yet you can’t do anything? When I get the courage to confess to you, what’s the first word out of your mouth? Yoochun. Yoochun this. Yoochun that. I’m sick of hearing it now! Fuck that bastard! He left you for Junsu! Your best friend! And after he hurt you like that, now you’re fucking hurting again! I love you and yet all this time it’s always HIM! PARK YOOCHUN! Always him and NEVER me!"
Throughout Kibum’s outburst Eunhyuk had only looked at Kibum with wide eyes. Sitting on his knees in front of Eunhyuk, Kibum grabbed onto Eunhyuk’s shoulders, so hard that it was starting to bruise.
"WHY?" Kibum asked, shaking the older man’s shoulders, his eyes wild and angry. Eunhyuk didn’t reply. He just continued to look back at Kibum.
"Why?" Kibum whispered, tears sliding down his cheeks. "Why him and never me? Am I not good enough? Isn’t my love enough? Why Hyukkie? Please tell me. Please."
"I don’t know Bummie." Eunhyuk replied wiping away Kibum’s tears with the sleeves of his shirt. "I’ve always loved him. I never once looked at anyone else."
"Then look at me Hyukkie. Can you love me?" Kibum asked looking at Eunhyuk with frantic eyes. "Do you even love me?" he whispered, now so scared and desperate for Eunhyuk’s answer.
Eunhyuk stayed silent, thinking over if he loved Kibum. Before he could even sort his feelings, Kibum backed away from him.
"Forget it." Kibum said turning away from Eunhyuk and ran out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him.
Eunhyuk had seen the tears in Kibum’s eyes when Kibum ran past him. He had seen the hurt and pain in the younger boy. He wanted so much to go after Kibum that even if he didn’t love him now he was willing to try but he didn’t. He stayed seated on the floor. Just looking at the direction of the doorway of where Kibum once was.
"I’m sorry Bummie. I want to love you. I already do love you. I already do love you more than a dongsaeng but right now, he’s still number one in my heart. If I accept your love, I’ll only hurt the both of us later on."
"Did you really think I’m that stupid Hyukkie? That I don’t understand?" Kibum asked walking back towards him.
"But how? You ran out!" Eunhyuk exclaimed.
"I ran to the door and slammed it really hard for it to seem that I ran out. This was the only way for me to get to know your true feelings." Kibum said, sitting in front of Eunhyuk and softly caressing his cheek. "I don’t care if I get hurt. I just want to be with you Hyukkie. I love you and I always will. If the person who’s hurting me is you then I’m okay with that."
"BUT I’M NOT!" Eunhyuk yelled shoving Kibum’s hand away. "I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want us to be together for me to break up with you for Donghae! Or Sungmin! Or anyone else for that matter! I don’t want that!"
"Then what do you want?"
"I don’t know! I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want you to be hurt either!" Eunhyuk said crying and shaking a lot. He grabbed onto Kibum’s wife beater and pulled him close. Kibum’s arms naturally wrapped around Eunhyuk’s waist and pulled him to sit on his lap. "I don’t want you get hurt by me." He said, crying into Kibum’s chest.
"I won’t. Even if the moments we have together are really short, that makes me really happy. That I get to spend time with you. That I get to be with you. Just being near you is more than enough to make me smile. So I won’t get hurt by you. Even if we do break up, as long as I get to see you smile, see you happy, than I’m happy."
"Kibum, I love you. I really do love you." Eunhyuk said pulling himself away a bit from Kibum’s hold to look at him.
"I know. But you love him more." Kibum said with a sad smile.
"But I’m wi-"
"It’s okay Eunhyuk. It’s okay." Kibum said pulling his head back against his chest and letting his fingers run through Eunhyuk’s hair. The effect didn’t take long. Eunhyuk leaned against Kibum quietly. Both cherishing the moment of being in each other’s arms.
Even if you do hurt me in the end, I at least had got to be with you, no matter how long or short. Just getting to be with you is worth all the pain and hurt in the world.
-x-
A/N:
Comments are welcomed~♥
Chapter Title: Sad Romance
Author: sbluesnow
Group(s): Super Junior
Main: Archive
Pairing(s): Kibum x Eunhyuk, Eunhyuk x Sungmin, Shindong x Eunhyuk, Yesung x Eunhyuk, Leeteuk x Eunhyuk, Yoochun x Eunhyuk
Chapter(s): 6/6
Summary: When it's not love, its hate but the feeling of love lingers. What is it then? To not love again when you're still in love, how do you forget?
Previous: Go to Archive
-x-
Eunhyuk’s POV
Tossing and turning in his sleep, Eunhyuk just couldn’t sleep. He had tried counting monkeys, chanting a mantra, praying, listening to a song, drinking warm milk. Nothing worked apparently. He just couldn’t sleep.
Rolling on his side, Eunhyuk wrapped the blanket around him tighter and cleared his mind of all thoughts. It had worked for a while and just when he was about to fall asleep something caught his ears. He heard the sound of a piano. And then the sound of violins. Combined it was amazing. The sound was so sad. But it was beautiful as well. The sounds of violins. The piece was really soothing. So soothing that it was making Eunhyuk sleepy but the more he listened the more curious he got. Sitting upright in his bed, he began to look around his room for where the sounds of violins were coming from. After looking around everywhere in his room, Eunhyuk got out of bed and walked towards the door.
Everyone else is out except for Kibum but he’s sleeping. So where is that sound coming from?
Poking his head out the door, the sad sounds of the violins got a bit louder.
It’s not possible for someone to be playing outside right? I mean we’re on the 11th floor!
Walking down the hall and towards the living as softly as he could without making a sound. As he got closer to the living room, the beautiful sound of violins got even louder. The sound wasn’t so loud that it’d wake the neighbours in the middle of the night. But loud enough for a person to just listen and think about everything and nothing in their lives. To just listen and enjoy the song.
In the living room stood by the veranda with the doors open, letting the night breeze softly blow into the room, letting the floor to ceiling white curtains occasionally lift and fly up in the air, with the CD player playing the violins and piano instrumental was a person playing the violin with their eyes closed. Taking a step closer and surprisingly not bumping or tripping over himself, Eunhyuk was in awe at who the violinist was. It was Kibum.
He was so lost in the song and continued to play it that he didn’t realize Eunhyuk was standing there. Eunhyuk couldn’t say anything or do anything. The sight was just amazing. He was wearing a black wife beater with black sweats that hung low on his waist and had his back facing Eunhyuk so Eunhyuk only got to see his reflection in the window. He looked so peaceful and sad in Eunhyuk’s mind. The song itself was sad.
The piece is so beautiful but why is Kibum playing such a sad song? Is he in pain?
Eunhyuk was lost in his own thoughts and Kibum was lost in his own world of music. The song was coming to an end but it seemed to both the player and the audience, they didn’t want the song to end. They didn’t want to have to come back to reality and they wanted to stay in their a little longer in their own worlds where they didn’t have to deal with reality’s impossibilities. The impossibilities of what they can’t have and who doesn’t love them back. Those who don’t love them back because their hearts belong to others. Others who are their friends and they can’t do anything but accept it and try to move on. Try to move on and be happy with their own lives and not dwell on the past. It’s so hard to do that though. The slightest thing can make the pain come back. Especially when you see the person you love so happy because of someone else. Or worst to see the person you love in pain and you can’t do anything about it because you have no right to. To help as a friend but that will only cause more damage than actually heal. Many tears and sleepless nights occur when your heart is aching. When there is no cure. The tears just don’t stop. There’s nothing you can do except cry. Cry your heart out. Cry out your worries. Cry out your pain. Cry for all the emotions that you feel. Cry until you can’t feel anymore. What they wanted was an escape from reality. The song was an escape from reality. Where they didn’t have to think. Just feel. Feel the power of the piece. The melody of the piece. The piece’s meaning. To just let the piece take over their mind and emotions and let the piece play out their problems. To let the piece show their problems to the world. To let it all out. And when it comes to an end, the problems don’t disappear. They never do but with time, they seem less painful to deal with. When it comes to an end, the problems, then hurt is less painful.
The song came to an end. The CD player stopped and went silent. As if dead to the world. Dead to the people in the room. Kibum hadn’t let go of his violin nor did he move from his stance. He continued to hold the violin under his chin with the bow in one hand hanging loosely at his side as if just to stay in his dream a little longer.
Minutes had passed. Both inhabitants in the room hadn’t moved from their spot. Finally removing the violin from under his chin, Kibum held it to the side and opened his eyes. Looking downwards he took a deep breath and sighed. Turning around he took a step forward towards the couch to where he had put the violin case but stopped in his tracks when he saw Eunhyuk standing by the corner of the room.
Eunhyuk who this entire time was memorized by Kibum’s playing just stood there and said nothing. Kibum looked at Eunhyuk and Eunhyuk looked back at Kibum. Neither wavering their gaze on one another. Kibum’s eyes narrowed and his entire being sent off a cold feeling around him. Involuntarily, Eunhyuk shivered just from the feeling he was receiving from Kibum.
"How long have you been standing there?" Kibum growled.
"Almost since the beginning of the piece."
"Why didn’t you say anything or made any movement to show that you were in the room?"
"Because then you’d stop."
"So?"
"It was really beautiful. I didn’t want it to end."
"Well it has." Kibum said, walking over to the couch, putting the violin away and closing the case. Leaving the case on the couch, Kibum walked past Eunhyuk to go to his room. "Good night."
"Wait!" Eunhyuk called out, grabbing onto Kibum’s wrist with both of his hands. Pulling Kibum back, Eunhyuk looked at Kibum. He’d never seen the younger like this. Kibum who was usually quiet and had the façade of being unapproachable from far it was at least possible to converse with him and get a reply. Now it was different. It seemed that he had thousands upon thousands of soldiers protecting him from anyone and anything. From harm and from love. His entire being was just screaming ‘stay-the-fuck-away-from-me-if-you-want-to-live’. Even though Eunhyuk was scared for his life he was also in pain for seeing his dongsaeng like this. Kibum had never been this angry before.
Why is Kibum like this? Why is he protecting himself like I am?
"Kibum why?"
"Why what?" Kibum said trying to yank his arm away from Eunhyuk’s grasp.
"Why are you acting like this?" Eunhyuk said tightening his hold on Kibum’s wrist. "Why are you being so cold to me?" he said looking into Kibum’s blank eyes. Looking straight into Eunhyuk’s own eyes he could see the other was hurt and scared.
"Why am I being so cold to you?" Kibum said emphasizing his words to point where it was like daggers being thrown at Eunhyuk.
"Yes! What happened? Who did this to you?"
"What happened is none of your business Eunhyuk sshi. Now if you’d kindly release my wrist so I can go to bed."
It was like a slap in the face. Kibum being formal with him. The members are only formal with each other on shows or radios. When the camera’s on but when it’s off they talk to each other without the formalities. At first it was a little hard to getting used to but eventually they all became together as one family. And for it to suddenly change now, it hurt a lot.
"You didn’t answer my question. Who did this to you?" Eunhyuk asked his gaze on the ground, his eyes close to shedding tears.
Kibum looked at Eunhyuk’s lowered head and glared at him.
"You have no right to ask me that! Now LET ME GO!" Kibum yelled successfully yanking his wrist out of Eunhyuk’s hold. Kibum stormed into his room and slammed the door behind him.
Eunhyuk couldn’t believe it. Kibum had raised his voice at him. Kibum has never done that. Kibum the one person who’s been through everything with him. Who’s been there for him in his time of need. The one person that kept their promise. Now gone.
Eunhyuk sank to the floor and pulled his legs as close as he could to his body and wrapped his arms around his legs with his head buried in his knees. He started to cry.
WHY? WHY KIBUM? WHY? You promised that you wouldn’t leave like him! You promised me that! You were with me when Yoochun broke up with me to be with Junsu. You helped me cope with it. Now why? Why are you shunning me out when I let you in? You had promised that no matter what you wouldn’t leave me like Chunnie did. But you lied. The one person I trust again breaks that promise. Why Bummie? What did I do to deserve this? Rejection from my lover and now rejection from the only person I have left. Why Bummie? I just don’t get it.
Eunhyuk hadn’t realized that he said his thoughts out loud until he heard Kibum’s voice.
"You don’t get it because try being in my position. To see the person you love not being able to move on from that bastard! I don’t care that Yoochun is still in your heart Eunhyuk. What I care is that you can’t see past your old love! You’re burying yourself with something that’s over! I love you and I always have. Do you know how hard it is to see the person you want so badly yet you can’t do anything? When I get the courage to confess to you, what’s the first word out of your mouth? Yoochun. Yoochun this. Yoochun that. I’m sick of hearing it now! Fuck that bastard! He left you for Junsu! Your best friend! And after he hurt you like that, now you’re fucking hurting again! I love you and yet all this time it’s always HIM! PARK YOOCHUN! Always him and NEVER me!"
Throughout Kibum’s outburst Eunhyuk had only looked at Kibum with wide eyes. Sitting on his knees in front of Eunhyuk, Kibum grabbed onto Eunhyuk’s shoulders, so hard that it was starting to bruise.
"WHY?" Kibum asked, shaking the older man’s shoulders, his eyes wild and angry. Eunhyuk didn’t reply. He just continued to look back at Kibum.
"Why?" Kibum whispered, tears sliding down his cheeks. "Why him and never me? Am I not good enough? Isn’t my love enough? Why Hyukkie? Please tell me. Please."
"I don’t know Bummie." Eunhyuk replied wiping away Kibum’s tears with the sleeves of his shirt. "I’ve always loved him. I never once looked at anyone else."
"Then look at me Hyukkie. Can you love me?" Kibum asked looking at Eunhyuk with frantic eyes. "Do you even love me?" he whispered, now so scared and desperate for Eunhyuk’s answer.
Eunhyuk stayed silent, thinking over if he loved Kibum. Before he could even sort his feelings, Kibum backed away from him.
"Forget it." Kibum said turning away from Eunhyuk and ran out of the dorm, slamming the door behind him.
Eunhyuk had seen the tears in Kibum’s eyes when Kibum ran past him. He had seen the hurt and pain in the younger boy. He wanted so much to go after Kibum that even if he didn’t love him now he was willing to try but he didn’t. He stayed seated on the floor. Just looking at the direction of the doorway of where Kibum once was.
"I’m sorry Bummie. I want to love you. I already do love you. I already do love you more than a dongsaeng but right now, he’s still number one in my heart. If I accept your love, I’ll only hurt the both of us later on."
"Did you really think I’m that stupid Hyukkie? That I don’t understand?" Kibum asked walking back towards him.
"But how? You ran out!" Eunhyuk exclaimed.
"I ran to the door and slammed it really hard for it to seem that I ran out. This was the only way for me to get to know your true feelings." Kibum said, sitting in front of Eunhyuk and softly caressing his cheek. "I don’t care if I get hurt. I just want to be with you Hyukkie. I love you and I always will. If the person who’s hurting me is you then I’m okay with that."
"BUT I’M NOT!" Eunhyuk yelled shoving Kibum’s hand away. "I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want us to be together for me to break up with you for Donghae! Or Sungmin! Or anyone else for that matter! I don’t want that!"
"Then what do you want?"
"I don’t know! I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want you to be hurt either!" Eunhyuk said crying and shaking a lot. He grabbed onto Kibum’s wife beater and pulled him close. Kibum’s arms naturally wrapped around Eunhyuk’s waist and pulled him to sit on his lap. "I don’t want you get hurt by me." He said, crying into Kibum’s chest.
"I won’t. Even if the moments we have together are really short, that makes me really happy. That I get to spend time with you. That I get to be with you. Just being near you is more than enough to make me smile. So I won’t get hurt by you. Even if we do break up, as long as I get to see you smile, see you happy, than I’m happy."
"Kibum, I love you. I really do love you." Eunhyuk said pulling himself away a bit from Kibum’s hold to look at him.
"I know. But you love him more." Kibum said with a sad smile.
"But I’m wi-"
"It’s okay Eunhyuk. It’s okay." Kibum said pulling his head back against his chest and letting his fingers run through Eunhyuk’s hair. The effect didn’t take long. Eunhyuk leaned against Kibum quietly. Both cherishing the moment of being in each other’s arms.
Even if you do hurt me in the end, I at least had got to be with you, no matter how long or short. Just getting to be with you is worth all the pain and hurt in the world.
-x-
A/N:
Comments are welcomed~♥