Subletting
A week or so ago I asked for some fic prompts and quinara suggested Buffy and/or Illyria + Spike's music collection. So I've written something, though I'm pretty sure it's not at all what she wanted. For one thing it fails the Bechdel Test miserably. On the other hand, it works pretty well for two of this week's prompts, Affronted and Oblivious, so I thought I might as well post it.
Setting: Some Neverneverland AU after NFA, which Spike and Illyria both survived.
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Spike/Buffy/Illyria (sorta, kinda)
For the prompts: Affronted and Oblivious
Illyria is clueless. Buffy tries to set her right.
Subletting
"Didn't you get the memo about calling first?" Buffy snapped, as Illyria pushed past her. Manifesting without an invitation was so rude! "Woah! Woah! What are you doing?"
She snatched the CD case out of Illyria's hand before Illyria could take a bite out of it.
"It won't taste nice, your godliness."
Illyria looked from her empty hand to Buffy's face and back. "In that case, Slayer of Vampires, I will excuse your presumption and not feed your lifeless corpse to - "she frowned - " those small, brown wriggly things that live in the earth."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Worms. They're called worms. And that's very gracious of you, your worshipfulness. I think."
Illyria tilted her head. "My pet has explained sarcasm to me. I do not fear it."
Buffy bristled. "About the pet thing…?"
But Illyria was pointing at the CD, now safe in Buffy's hand. "I wish to understand him better. He insists the silver discs in these plastic cases contain music, but I have heard music and I do not see the connection."
Buffy squinted at the CD case. The Sex Pistols. Huh! "With you on that one, your highfalutinness."
Their eyes met again. They shared a weird - not to mention freaky - moment of complicity.
Illyria cleared her throat, looking almost embarrassed. "And I do not understand its title. Anarchy in the uk." She rhymed UK with fu- But Buffy wasn't going to go there. "What is an uk?"
Buffy sighed. Clueless ex-godking was clueless. "It's a place. And it's not the uk. It's the You Kay, okay? It's a country. Where Spike comes from. Where he was born."
"And it is a place without law?" Illyria pursued. "If so, why does my pet not conquer it and bring it back to order?" She drew herself up to her full height - still flat-chested, Buffy noted with satisfaction. "If he begs it of me, humbly on his knees, I will even consent to aid him in this enterprise."
"Er…" For a moment, Buffy was lost for words. "Stand down, your majesticalness. No conquering required." She indicated the CD. "It's just punk rock, okay? Like, really old, lame punk rock?"
"Punk rock?" Illyria stared at her blankly.
Buffy floundered. She'd never had to define punk rock before. Most of the time, she made sure she never had to listen to it either. "Sort of like rebel music, British style, with a nihilist twist?" She felt pretentious even saying it. "Guess it reminds Spike of when he was young. Or not quite so old anyway. He likes to play it when he's feeling homesick."
"Homesick for this place with no laws?"
Buffy shrugged. "They have laws. I think. It's more like punk rockers wish they didn't."
Illyria's response was a ferocious, blue-eyed glare.
"This will not do," she declared, pointing at the CD. "You will destroy this thing, Slayer. It encourages my pet's disobedient tendencies."
"Er…um…" Buffy floundered again. Tempting though it was, Spike would be very upset if something happened to yet another of his Sex Pistols CDs. It was bad enough that Dawn kept borrowing them, losing them, and then telling him CDs were, like, so over, and only boring old people hung on to them.
Buffy took a protective stance in front of the CD rack. "You have it all wrong, your majesteriousness. I'll try to explain."
Illyria folded her arms and stared at her, unblinking. "Do so."
"It's like this." Buffy indicated the cosy living room with its well-used couch - well-used for what was none of Illyria's business. "Spike's a pussycat, right?" Off Illyria's puzzled frown, "No, really. I mean, he's domesticated like woah. Tickle him in the right place and he'll roll over and show you his belly."
Illyria scowled. "I have not observed this."
I should damn well hope not. Aloud, Buffy said, "But see, he's got this thing where he thinks he's a rebel? I mean, really, really believes it. And maybe in his own way he even is, cuz not that many vampires with souls, right?"
"This is true," Illyria admitted. "The half-breeds are not known for their incorporeal essences."
"So this music's important to him," Buffy went on. "It's like…a safety valve? When he listens to it, he's still a rebel inside his head."
And it could be worse, she thought. It could be air guitar.
Illyria took this in with a stony expression on her face. There was a long silence. Buffy realised she was holding her breath and let it go slowly. When Illyria finally spoke, she jumped almost out of her skin.
"I comprehend," Illyria declared. "You use this so-called music to control my pet - to calm his more destructive impulses by channelling them elsewhere. To soothe the savage beast."
"Er.."Buffy blinked at her. She'd never thought of it that way before, but, "Yeah, I guess. But when you say I use it…."
Illyria interrupted. "You understand him better than I. I hereby appoint you imperial pet-keeper in perpetuity. You will teach him to moderate his behaviour and punish him when necessary."
"I will?" Buffy blinked at her again, but Illyria's expression brooked no argument. "Okay, your maj. Guess I can do that."
"Good." Illyria gave her a dismissive nod. "You may go."
"Actually -" Buffy indicated the room again-"this is my house. You go."
Illyria's glacial stare faltered. "Oh, right. I forgot." She flickered from existence like a candle going out, only to reappear almost immediately. "But be warned, Slayer, I will return periodically to check on your progress. I will not have my pet running wild."
"Okey dokey." Buffy gave her a half-hearted salute then subsided onto the couch as Illyria disappeared again. Well, that was all kinds of awkward.
Not to worry. In the end, she'd work out a way of making Illyria understand Spike didn't belong to her- not even the tiniest bit. Until then, subletting from the godking was doable.
As for moderating and punishing Spike, that was something she could totally get behind.
Setting: Some Neverneverland AU after NFA, which Spike and Illyria both survived.
Rating: PG13
Pairing: Spike/Buffy/Illyria (sorta, kinda)
For the prompts: Affronted and Oblivious
Illyria is clueless. Buffy tries to set her right.
Subletting
"Didn't you get the memo about calling first?" Buffy snapped, as Illyria pushed past her. Manifesting without an invitation was so rude! "Woah! Woah! What are you doing?"
She snatched the CD case out of Illyria's hand before Illyria could take a bite out of it.
"It won't taste nice, your godliness."
Illyria looked from her empty hand to Buffy's face and back. "In that case, Slayer of Vampires, I will excuse your presumption and not feed your lifeless corpse to - "she frowned - " those small, brown wriggly things that live in the earth."
Buffy rolled her eyes. "Worms. They're called worms. And that's very gracious of you, your worshipfulness. I think."
Illyria tilted her head. "My pet has explained sarcasm to me. I do not fear it."
Buffy bristled. "About the pet thing…?"
But Illyria was pointing at the CD, now safe in Buffy's hand. "I wish to understand him better. He insists the silver discs in these plastic cases contain music, but I have heard music and I do not see the connection."
Buffy squinted at the CD case. The Sex Pistols. Huh! "With you on that one, your highfalutinness."
Their eyes met again. They shared a weird - not to mention freaky - moment of complicity.
Illyria cleared her throat, looking almost embarrassed. "And I do not understand its title. Anarchy in the uk." She rhymed UK with fu- But Buffy wasn't going to go there. "What is an uk?"
Buffy sighed. Clueless ex-godking was clueless. "It's a place. And it's not the uk. It's the You Kay, okay? It's a country. Where Spike comes from. Where he was born."
"And it is a place without law?" Illyria pursued. "If so, why does my pet not conquer it and bring it back to order?" She drew herself up to her full height - still flat-chested, Buffy noted with satisfaction. "If he begs it of me, humbly on his knees, I will even consent to aid him in this enterprise."
"Er…" For a moment, Buffy was lost for words. "Stand down, your majesticalness. No conquering required." She indicated the CD. "It's just punk rock, okay? Like, really old, lame punk rock?"
"Punk rock?" Illyria stared at her blankly.
Buffy floundered. She'd never had to define punk rock before. Most of the time, she made sure she never had to listen to it either. "Sort of like rebel music, British style, with a nihilist twist?" She felt pretentious even saying it. "Guess it reminds Spike of when he was young. Or not quite so old anyway. He likes to play it when he's feeling homesick."
"Homesick for this place with no laws?"
Buffy shrugged. "They have laws. I think. It's more like punk rockers wish they didn't."
Illyria's response was a ferocious, blue-eyed glare.
"This will not do," she declared, pointing at the CD. "You will destroy this thing, Slayer. It encourages my pet's disobedient tendencies."
"Er…um…" Buffy floundered again. Tempting though it was, Spike would be very upset if something happened to yet another of his Sex Pistols CDs. It was bad enough that Dawn kept borrowing them, losing them, and then telling him CDs were, like, so over, and only boring old people hung on to them.
Buffy took a protective stance in front of the CD rack. "You have it all wrong, your majesteriousness. I'll try to explain."
Illyria folded her arms and stared at her, unblinking. "Do so."
"It's like this." Buffy indicated the cosy living room with its well-used couch - well-used for what was none of Illyria's business. "Spike's a pussycat, right?" Off Illyria's puzzled frown, "No, really. I mean, he's domesticated like woah. Tickle him in the right place and he'll roll over and show you his belly."
Illyria scowled. "I have not observed this."
I should damn well hope not. Aloud, Buffy said, "But see, he's got this thing where he thinks he's a rebel? I mean, really, really believes it. And maybe in his own way he even is, cuz not that many vampires with souls, right?"
"This is true," Illyria admitted. "The half-breeds are not known for their incorporeal essences."
"So this music's important to him," Buffy went on. "It's like…a safety valve? When he listens to it, he's still a rebel inside his head."
And it could be worse, she thought. It could be air guitar.
Illyria took this in with a stony expression on her face. There was a long silence. Buffy realised she was holding her breath and let it go slowly. When Illyria finally spoke, she jumped almost out of her skin.
"I comprehend," Illyria declared. "You use this so-called music to control my pet - to calm his more destructive impulses by channelling them elsewhere. To soothe the savage beast."
"Er.."Buffy blinked at her. She'd never thought of it that way before, but, "Yeah, I guess. But when you say I use it…."
Illyria interrupted. "You understand him better than I. I hereby appoint you imperial pet-keeper in perpetuity. You will teach him to moderate his behaviour and punish him when necessary."
"I will?" Buffy blinked at her again, but Illyria's expression brooked no argument. "Okay, your maj. Guess I can do that."
"Good." Illyria gave her a dismissive nod. "You may go."
"Actually -" Buffy indicated the room again-"this is my house. You go."
Illyria's glacial stare faltered. "Oh, right. I forgot." She flickered from existence like a candle going out, only to reappear almost immediately. "But be warned, Slayer, I will return periodically to check on your progress. I will not have my pet running wild."
"Okey dokey." Buffy gave her a half-hearted salute then subsided onto the couch as Illyria disappeared again. Well, that was all kinds of awkward.
Not to worry. In the end, she'd work out a way of making Illyria understand Spike didn't belong to her- not even the tiniest bit. Until then, subletting from the godking was doable.
As for moderating and punishing Spike, that was something she could totally get behind.