Fic: Palimpsest - Part Four
Prompt: I don't believe in this stuff anyway... (Sept 2014).
Title: Palimpsest (Part Four)
Rating: R
Setting: Post-series AU (could be mid-S9)
Warnings: Grab your tissues. At least - I hope you need them! :)
A/N: I wrote this a year ago in preparation for the next round of Seasonal Spuffy... but Seasonal Spuffy has gone on hiatus. Meanwhile, S10 keeps getting more and more Scooby-friendship friendly, unlike S9. This is much closer to S9's mood.
A/N2: Written to go off-canon sometime mid-S9, but also written so that comic knowledge is mostly unnecessary (except for a few small jokes).
A/N3: Thanks to foxstarreh and margueritedaisy for beta work, and foxstarreh for being my S9 encyclopedia so that I didn't have to actually buy or read the comics. :)
PART ONE, PART TWO and PART THREE
Palimpsest: 1) A parchment or the like from which the writing has been partially or completely erased and replaced with new writing. 2) Something that has been changed over time and shows evidence of that change. (Merriam-Webster Online)
PART FOUR
[Her] delusions are multi-layered. She believes she's some type of Hero.
- Institution psychiatrist (Normal Again)
.
.
"You!" Buffy spun Willow around and slammed her into the wall. "You did this to me! Why?"
"Why?" Willow laughed, and Buffy felt a jolt of electricity go through her, forcing her away from the witch. "You were practically begging me for it. Oh, Willow, why can't I just be normal? Day after day of listening to you whine. Sooo boring! So I gave you what you wanted."
"I didn't ask you for this. For nightmares, and confusion, and... And to have all my choice taken away from me!"
"Hey, well. I didn't ask to be a witch-less witch. You gave me the gift of 'normal' without a second thought. I only returned the favor."
Willow made a grab for the mini-Seed, but Buffy backhanded her away. After so many months of being a regular girl, the strength coursing through her felt strange. Strange, but exhilarating. "I don't think so! And why do you even still have this? I thought the whole point of it was to regenerate Earth's Seed, not to... to..." She narrowed her eyes in comprehension. "You've been keeping it with you for the power boost. That's why you're all with the Dark Willow again."
"Guess what they say about getting wiser with age is true. Now give it here, Buffy, before you get hurt. I don't wanna hurt you..." Lightning arced from her fingertips. "But I'm not gonna be too cut up about it, either."
"No!" Buffy backed away. "Look at you. This has got to stop."
The witch sighed. "And this is why I liked you so much better when you were just Buffy. Get a little Slayer in you, and you turn all righteous. Ugh."
Buffy dodged a flash of light. If Willow needed the power of the Seed in her hand to get her full mojo on, then she would just have to make sure the witch didn't get her hands on it.
She turned and ran.
.
*******
.
Buffy turned and ran, chasing down the last vampire, the one intent on dragging William away for a late-night snack. One well-aimed stake, and goodbye vampire. She caught William before he could fall to the ground. Heart hammering, she pressed her fingers to his neck, praying to find a pulse. A part of her was weirded out to be checking Spike for a pulse, but the bigger part of her was simply relieved to find one.
"Thank god," she muttered, though taking in the state he was in, merely having a pulse wasn't enough to make her own heart stop its panicked rabbiting in her chest. "And... it's back to the hospital for us."
As Buffy hoisted William over her shoulder, she couldn't help but wonder how she'd ended up on the wrong side of the hell portal when it had closed.
.
*******
.
"Coffee?"
"Thanks, Willow." Buffy turned back to the comatose man in the bed, eyes scanning him for any change and finding none. "I don't get it. Why Shanshu Spike just to kill him off hours later? Surely whoever's in charge of these things knew what was going to happen."
Willow settled into the other chair. The hue of the skin around her eyes would have made a raccoon proud. "Shawn-who-now?"
Right. She hadn't exactly had the time to explain to Willow what she'd figured out about William in between... in between everything that had happened. "It's this prophecy thing. About vampires - vampires with souls to be specific. If they rack up enough good deeds, help out in an apocalypse or two, they get to be real boys again. More importantly, they get to be real boys who've received absolution for their past."
Spike had told her about it during that period when they'd been sort-of friends, before the whole robot disaster. She'd finally worked up the courage to ask him why he'd stayed in Los Angeles, and more importantly, why he'd never called her. Eyes trained on his boots, he'd explained about the Shanshu prophecy, and how things had developed from there. "Huh," she'd said. "I never pegged you for wanting to be human again. You always seemed to like being a vampire so much."
"I do at that. It's the guilt I'm not so fond of."
"It's still...?"
"It's always there, Buffy. Never goes away. Never going to forget. And I know as I deserve hell and worse for everything I've done, but... It's a nice idea. Bit like holding out the idea of heaven for the rest of you, I reckon." Of course, then he'd gone on to tell her how it was all a lie he didn't believe in. After all, he and Angel had each played pivotal roles in how many apocalypses now, and neither of them had developed a dependency on oxygen afterwards.
But, Buffy figured, maybe it didn't take effect until after they dusted. Or... or maybe Spike's sacrifice this time, right on the cusp of her finally choosing him, had been the ticket. The final gold star he'd needed to earn. Either way, he had his clean slate now.
"It kinda sucks though. Not just this." Buffy gestured to William's still form. "But the whole deal. I mean, he's a hero. A champion! And he doesn't get to remember a single minute of it. How he struggled. How he changed. What he had to go through to earn this. It's just - pfft - gone. Like it doesn't even matter!"
"I think that's the point. To remember the good, he'd have to remember the bad. And if he did, he could never be free of it."
Though Buffy had to agree Willow's explanation made sense, it was still too sad for words. Spike had been baptized in blood and tempered in fire. He'd gone through hell - literally - and come out the other side of it a changed man. But he would never get to fully appreciate just what he had accomplished, in the end.
Then again, if he didn't wake up from his coma, he'd never get to appreciate anything.
.
*******
.
William didn't wake up. Not on day one, or day two, or day three-four-five-six-seven. Buffy divided her time between the terrible, mind-numbing aftermath of death (sorting-packing-calling-arranging-consoling-burying-lying-in-a-heap-and-crying) and sentry duty at the hospital.
At least she didn't have to go it alone. The circle of people she could count on was down to one, but it was a one who had been by her side longer than anybody else alive. Anybody else still alive. When packing up Dawn's clothes got to be too much, Willow was there to sort and fold while Buffy sobbed over the summer camp t-shirt Dawn had worn years longer than she should have, until it was threadbare and see-through. When Willow broke down in the middle of trying to find Xander's parents to let them know what had happened, Buffy took the phone from her slack hand and spoke with his Uncle Rory. And when neither of them could go on, they didn't go on together.
Andrew showed up at some point, almost helpful, and then Faith came, and somehow that made everything a tiny bit better. Faith, it turned out, was a part of the circle now. Like long ago with her mom, Buffy was grateful to have somebody else step in and take over at least part of the arrangements. Faith got them through the worst of it before she had to return to England for her own crisis, taking her leave of Buffy with a fierce hug. And even though Buffy was pretty sure nothing would ever be okay again, that hug gave her the courage to go on.
With the funerals over, Buffy turned her attention to William. If she focused on him, it meant she didn't have to think about anything else. Day after day, she sat at his bedside, monitoring his monitors and talking to him about everything and nothing. When she wasn't monologue-ing to William, she kept up a steady stream of prattle with Willow, sharing every thought that wasn't a thought about... other people. Babbling Buffy meant Not Thinking Bad Thoughts Buffy.
One day, she said: "This is good, I mean, he just gets to live as a normal guy. That's a reward, to not be dealing with vamps and apocalypses and all that. Kind of a relief, really."
And on another: "If you look at it in the right way, it's more like he's getting his life back. That's the way to look at it, instead of seeing it as they, whoever they are, stole something from him. I mean, Drusilla stole his life, really. She took that away from him. And now he has it back. You just have to ignore how it's over a century later. Not like they had record stores back then. Did they?"
Then: "I guess it had to be this way. William getting Sunnydale-itis. He can't be clued in to the demon world, otherwise he might remember he was one, and there goes his happy shiny guilt-free reward. But how do you think we can make it work, with me the Slayer and him so oblivious? Maybe it's not supposed to work. Sure, we can stay friends, casual friends, but maybe it was going to be more. Except now that's impossible, because he's normal and I'm not. What kind of relationship is that? 'Hi honey, where have you been all night and why are your clothes always covered in blood?' Talk about awkward."
Followed by: "Maybe it doesn't matter, because he's not Spike, not anymore. And I know I loved Spike, but do I love William? I don't know. He could be really different now, not just in the duh, not a vampire way, but his whole personality. And maybe the vampire part matters. For me. You know me and normal guys have never been a thing. I tend to have a type, and let's face it, Spike fit that profile way more than William does."
And more than once: "It's too bad there's no Shanshu for Slayers. You've done your time, here's your gold watch, thanks for your service. And then - poof. Not just a long life, but a long, normal life. Seems only fair, you know."
"The prodigal son gets the fatted calf?" Willow said, with more than a trace of impatience in her voice. It took Buffy a long, long time to dredge up the reference, and by the time she'd figured it out and marveled over the Jewish girl quoting the Bible, Willow had fled, leaving William her only audience.
.
*******
.
On day eight of William's coma, Buffy was hit with a new concern. When Willow poked her head into his hospital room later that afternoon, Buffy led her back out into to the hallway so she could share her worries out of earshot, just in case he could hear... and understand.
"However they brought William back, it had to be magic, right? So... what if... what if... what if what happened to Dawn..." She had to stop and swallow several times before she could go on. "What if that's what's wrong with William? Since, you know, magic is still all fritzy until the old Seed heals?"
The parallels between William's situation and Dawn's were definitely too similar to ignore. At first, they'd thought Dawn was just sick, nothing more - until their memories had begun to fade. That was when they'd figured out the problem was due to magic, or lack thereof. But she and Xander had also realized Dawn wasn't just magic, at least not anymore, otherwise she would have disappeared the moment the Seed of Wonder broke. She'd evolved from a mystical construct into a hybrid, both living human and something else. A sort of symbiotic half-breed, like vampires. So, while the magic had been escaping for months, the human part of her had held her together. And when the magic had reached critically low levels, the human part had begun to die as well. One half couldn't live without the other.
William, with his new life and altered memories, had to be part-magic. He had to be. And now he was sick, possibly dying. The thought that he might be undergoing the same fate...
Willow's hand crept to the mini-Seed as she listened to Buffy's concerns. With a frown, she held one finger up in a wait here gesture and ducked into William's room. Buffy paced the hallway, resisting the urge to follow. The redhead hurried out several minutes later. "I'm not getting the same vibe off of him. His is a straight-up coma. And," she added quickly, "though there is a magical component to his energy, it's not the same. It's... I dunno. Bigger than Earth magic? Like... trans-dimensional, or something. But I'm positive you don't have to worry about that part of him. Whatever's wrong is because he's human, and humans... well, they get hurt."
Buffy relaxed. Just a little. Sort of.
"So, hey. What about the Seed?" Desperate to think about anything other than William's condition, if only for a moment, she nodded at Willow's fabu new fashion accessory. "Don't you have to work some hocus-pocus to get it up and running again?"
"I do. It's not going to be easy, though. I have to make the trip back down into the Sunnydale crater, and I was kinda thinking I should wait until things settled down around here."
"You're going to need help, I'm guessing."
"It would be nice. Having someone to watch my back. Maybe a couple of someones."
Buffy thought about William lying motionless in the other room. She wanted to be here when he woke up, but... A Slayer's duty was never done. "I think this is as settled as it's ever going to get."
"Yeah," Willow said. "Okay."
.
*******
.
Buffy made it down the hallway and almost to the apartment building's stairs before she ran into what felt like a brick wall. An invisible brick wall. Willow rounded the corner a moment later, the hall lights guttering out with a shower of sparks.
"Trying to outrun a witch? Not your best plan."
Crap. Even without the mini-Seed, Willow could still work her spells. Think Buffy, think. "You might not be so fond of the Slayer in me, but gotta tell you, Wills..." Her eyes scanned the dim hallway, searching for options. Brute strength versus magic rarely worked well. "Not loving the whole Darth Willow angle. You could even say I hate it. Not too thrilled with the déjà-vu-y-ness of the moment, either." Willow only advanced on her, one hand out, and Buffy felt the necklace begin to slip out of her grasp, tugged away by an invisible force. She looked down at the stone, and shuddered. It gave her the heebie-jeebies. The thing was pulsing, and... bigger than it used to be? Buffy was positive it was almost double the size of the stone Willow had brought out of Quor'toth.
"Plus, what's with the hoarding? I thought it was so important to take this thing to Sunnydale and restore Earth's balance. What happened to that plan?"
Willow shrugged. "I found a better one." She twitched her hand. Buffy squeezed her fingers more tightly, though she wanted nothing more than to fling the throbbing, corrupted stone away. "And the Earth will still heal. Just a little more slowly this way. Meanwhile, I have the power I need. To be useful. Get things done."
"This doesn't feel useful. It feels evil." She shuddered again as the rock strained towards the witch. "This Seed did come from a hell dimension, after all. How do we know -"
"The Seed is pure."
"Okay, was, maybe, but..." Willow took another step forward. Buffy eyed the space to her left, calculating distances. "I think..."
Willow moved left and Buffy darted right, down the hallway and back to the apartment. I think it's been feeding on you, she finished in her head. It was definitely bigger, and Willow looked... desiccated.
Either way, right now Buffy had something more important to worry about.
She needed to figure out where Willow had stashed her scythe.
Buffy knocked into the doorjamb and went tumbling into the living room, then headed for the bedroom. The scythe would be out of sight, and... She closed her eyes and concentrated. Her head snapped to the right, and like a bloodhound, she followed the hum of power emanating from the back of Willow's closet. She closed her hand around the handle just as Willow skidded into the room. Buffy glanced from the blade in one hand to the stone in the other. "Time to end this," she said, and dropped the necklace and raised her weapon.
"NO!" Willow yelled. "No, you can't!"
"Oh, I can. Believe me. Been there, done that already. Not going to have a problem doing it again."
Willow backed off several steps, her hands up in a gesture of submission. "If you do, Buffy... if you do, the world will never heal."
"Not feeling the urgency." It was too late to help Dawn. Let the world burn. And it wasn't like she had seen any other tangible need for magic. Buffy was nowhere near convinced this chunk of polished rock was necessary, or even beneficial. "Neither were you, a few minutes ago. So..." She reared back.
Before she could reverse into a downward swing, Willow shouted something, and the stone rocketed out from under her foot. Buffy pounced, missed, and pounced again, this time stopping the necklace's forward motion by trapping the chain beneath her foot. Willow grunted out another incantation, arms extended, the dark veins that criss-crossed her face bulging outward.
The necklace wobbled frantically. Willow loosed another spell, knocking Buffy backwards. Once more, the red stone rocketed forward, and Buffy sped after it, grasping it just before Willow could close her hand around it. "Give it back, bitch!" Willow snarled.
"No can do." Buffy darted backwards, then turned and ran from the apartment and down the hallway. She stopped in front of the stairwell and dropped the necklace again, this time securing it with both feet. The witch arrived a split second after, a hex rolling off her tongue, but it lacked the force of her previous spells. When she attempted another incantation, Buffy could see it was straining all of her resources. Though the necklace twisted under her feet, Slayer strength won out this time, and Willow cursed viciously.
"Who do you think will pay the price for your fuck-up this time, Buffy? You know, you haven't managed to off your vampire lover for good, yet. Maybe it'll be William who dies this time, what do you think?"
Buffy winced. "I'm sorry, Willow. I don't care if it means you hate me for the rest of your life. I'm not going to lose you to the dark side."
Willow shouted something in a guttural language. The air crackled around her, but other than a whiff of ozone, nothing happened. With a hard look at Willow, Buffy made sure the chain was secure and raised the scythe once more.
"No, please!" Willow fell to the ground, and as she did, the darkness bled away, leaving behind a pale and trembling version of the girl Buffy knew. She held her hands out in supplication. "I was wrong, I know. I know. Just... don't break it. Please. Please. We can take it to Sunnydale right now. Okay?"
Buffy hesitated. Willow certainly seemed sincere. But on the other hand, who was to say she wouldn't change her mind the moment her power replenished? And then there was the question of the Seed itself - was using a possibly corrupted Seed to restore magic the best of plans? She poked the rock with her toe, and frowned. Though it still reeked of power, it was different now. The stone no longer glowed an angry red, nor was it giving off evil vibes. "Okay," she said, giving it another nudge. "You have thirty seconds to convince me."
Willow narrowed her eyes, and the air grew heavy. "Convince you? Here we go again, with you thinking you're the one who deserves to be in charge. Just because you're the Slayer. But it doesn't make you any better than me. And after all the times you've screwed up -"
"I've screwed up, Willow. I'm more than willing to admit it. I've - god, I've screwed up. But that doesn't change what's going on with you, right here, right now. This isn't right, and you know it. The question is, are you willing to admit it?"
"I'm in control," Willow said, even as her eyes darkened.
Buffy raised her eyebrows and hefted the blade higher. When the other woman showed no sign of backing down, she said, "Your thirty seconds are up."
"No, no, wait! Here I am! With the talking! All right? Okay?" Contrary to her words, Willow bit her lip and paused there, though she kept her hands up in surrender. Finally, she drew a shuddering breath. "I was going to take the Seed back to Sunnydale right away. Really, I was. But, see, I knew it would take a long time for magic to restore itself naturally while the original Seed repaired. It might take years before it reaches maximum power. And in the meantime, the longer I kept the mini-version with me, the more I didn't want to give it up. Having it made me powerful again." Willow grimaced. "I never wanted to be a normal girl."
"But you wouldn't be. Not forever. Meanwhile, everybody else is suffering, or so you told me."
"I might have... forgotten that." Willow closed her eyes. She took several deep breaths, gearing up for some confession. Buffy waited. "And... and it was the only way to be with Aluwyn. Without tapping directly into the power of the mini-Seed, I couldn't reach her. I was... I am afraid to give that up. I don't know how long it will be until the magic is strong enough I can do it on my own."
"Aluwyn... Your girlfriend?"
Willow nodded. "She's not from this dimension. It takes more than a plane ride to reach her."
"Oh." Oh. Suddenly things made a lot more sense. And Willow's actions... they were still wrong. But understandable. Almost. "You know the right thing is gonna be the hard thing."
"Isn't it always?"
Buffy sighed. "Are you sure this Seed is safe? 'Cause I'm not feeling too trusting right now."
"Yeah. It's safe. Once it's in place, it'll do its job. Once it's away from me." Willow radiated guilt. "It's not meant to be used that way. I kinda, sorta... brought out the worst in it."
And it had brought out the worst in Willow. Not that Buffy was going to be all with the finger-pointing. Not when it was her fault Willow had had to go to such lengths in the first place.
She sighed again. "Get your climbing gear. We're going on a field trip."
.
*******
.
"So how are we going to do this?" Buffy said. She and Willow had adjourned the hospital cafeteria to plan their strategy, out of William's earshot. "Get to the bottom of the crater and back out again?"
Willow thought maybe witches would be helpful, and Buffy thought maybe Slayers would be better equipped for the grueling task, but neither of them knew which Slayers and which witches could be counted on for such a dangerous mission. Neither group had been fond of Buffy - or, by extension, Willow - these last few months. Of the usual people she could count on in a crisis, one lay comatose in the hospital, human now, and the others - the others...
She shoved the thought away.
"Faith?" Willow suggested.
Buffy shook her head. Faith was busy with her own crisis. Worse, a call to the other Slayer meant risking Angel on the line instead. She stared at the map and did her best not to think of the last time they'd had to return to Sunnydale.
Giles Angel Giles Angel GilesAngelGiles -
"Riley," Willow said.
"Huh?" Buffy's head snapped up.
"Maybe Riley could get us in. With a helicopter, or something."
Buffy bit her lip. Involving the military was pretty much at the bottom of her options list - only Simone ranked lower - and they weren't too fond of her, either. But it would make life easier. "Let's sleep on it. If it still seems like a good plan tomorrow, I'll give him a call and see what he can do."
Back in William's room, she settled into the bedside chair and resumed her vigil. Much as she hated the idea of leaving his side, even for a day or two, she found she was grateful for a new problem. One she could actually do something about. Sitting around had never been her style, and it was doubly hard now, when sitting meant time to think.
"So, William," she said, and resumed her monologue.
She was in the middle of describing some childhood event involving Dawn and a permanent marker when his toes - the ones not suspended in a cast above the bed - twitched. Buffy paused mid-sentence, her eyes darting between his foot and the monitors by his head. When nothing more happened after a minute, she scooted her chair closer and carefully lifted his hand. "William? Can you hear me?"
Barely, almost imperceptibly, one finger moved.
.
*******
.
They put off planning the trip to Sunnydale, just for a few days, while Buffy hovered at William's side and basked in his every croaked word and feeble smile. As the hours passed, one thing came more and more clear to her.
She loved him. No, he wasn't Spike. But he was still him. Snarky and strong, perceptive and tender, and a bit of an asshole.
Buffy loved him.
And she was going to have to let him go.
"I can't do this to William," Buffy told Willow later the next day. "I - if I try to be with him, I'll just get him killed. Maybe for good, next time." She thought of how he'd yelled - screamed, really - when the nurses had moved his leg earlier, and her resolve was strengthened. She couldn't bear one more person hurt because of her, or worse. "I'm the Slayer, Willow. I don't get to have a normal boyfriend. I can't protect William and keep him safe from what's out there. Even if I wanted to give Slaying up, and maybe I could now there are hundreds of others to take my place, it wouldn't matter. It would still find me. As long as I'm the Slayer, I have a big target painted on my forehead, and that includes anybody who's close to me."
With Willow in tow, she tiptoed into William's room. "I don't... I can't say goodbye." They watched as he slept, and Buffy dashed at the tears running down her cheeks. "He'll be okay, right? Maybe he'll even forget me."
"Maybe it doesn't have to be this way."
Buffy shook her head. "Yes. It does."
"No." Willow's voice was strangely harsh, and Buffy turned to her, a question on her lips. It died out when she saw her friend's hand wrapped around the stone at her neck, and her contorted expression framed by ebony hair. The air in the room crackled, making all of the tiny hairs on Buffy's body stand on end. Willow grabbed her wrist in one hand, and William's in the other. "It doesn't."
.
*******
.
The bottom of the Sunnydale crater was much as Buffy remembered it, minus all the dead demons. And dead people. Riley's voice echoed into her ear through the headset, and she shook her head. This was something she and Willow had to do alone.
Besides, she still wasn't completely convinced of Willow's change of heart. If it came down to Witch versus Slayer again, she wanted him out of the way. Humans, highly militarized or not, would only be a liability. She slid out the door and ducked low, running bent in half until she was clear of the blades, and Willow did the same. Carefully, they picked their way across the ruined landscape and towards the opening of the cavern.
"What do you think we'll find in there?" Willow asked.
Buffy gripped her scythe more tightly. "If it's the Master, it's your turn to kill him."
They only found a small nest of easy-to-kill demons, however, and soon they were standing in the shadowy cavern where (GilesAngelGiles) Buffy had broken the original Seed and changed the world. With heavy feet, she approached the base of the shattered red stone. In its broken shards, she could feel the weight of her sister's death on her soul. Her sister's, her Watcher's, and her best friend's.
"What did I do, Willow?"
Willow, for once, was nothing but sympathetic. "What had to be done, Buffy. Maybe... maybe it was the only choice."
Buffy stood glued to the spot, Dawn's face staring back at her from every reflective red surface. "I don't want to be the one to make these choices anymore. I don't want to be the one responsible."
"Buffy..." Willow smiled sadly. "I tried that. It didn't take. You are the Slayer."
Yes, she was. And now that she knew it...
"What am I going to tell William? How can I - he won't understand." Buffy finally gave voice to the one thing she'd been ignoring ever since her memoires had been restored. "I have to leave him. How do I break his heart?"
And mine?
"I don't know." Willow touched her on the arm, briefly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you... I'm sorry."
"Did you do it with good intentions?"
Willow looked away.
Buffy felt impossibly old and tired. All those years together. How had it come to this?
She took a seat on a chunk of rubble and passed Willow the mini-Seed. "At least we can put this right."
While Willow incanted and invoked, Buffy let her mind drift over the last few months. They hadn't been happy months, exactly, not with the nightmares and the grieving over her sister and friend. But they'd been good. She could have lived that life, with William. It would have been a good life. As the minutes and the hours passed, she remained as still as a statue on her perch in the shadows, reliving those months and mourning the loss of future ones.
"We've got time, sweetheart." William's voice echoed inside her head. "We've got all the time in the world."
No. She began to sniffle. We don't.
Long after her eyes had dried and she had stilled once more, there was a hum and a flash, and a sound like glass breaking, but in reverse. When Buffy could see again, the cavern was bathed in a gentle red glow. In the center stood the original Seed, covered in cracks, but otherwise restored.
"Is that it?"
Willow hesitated. "It's done. Time will do the rest."
She climbed to her feet. "All right then." Willow didn't move. "Wills?"
"It needs a protector."
"And..." Buffy sensed this was more than idle conversation. "What are you saying?"
"I mean... I have to stay with the Seed. And protect it."
Buffy stared at her friend. "No. No, no, no!" She shook her head. "Baaaad idea."
Willow smiled, gently. "It won't hurt me. And I won't hurt it. This is... pure, Buffy. No vein-y magical black badness down this path."
"Okay, but you still can't stay here -"
"I have to. The Seed needs a protector. A guardian. In order to restore it, I had to pledge to protect it. Besides..." She gave Buffy a tiny, mischievous grin. "Don't you think I'll make a better guardian than the Master?"
Buffy paced, from one end of the cavern to the other, trying to accept what Willow was saying. She stopped in front of her friend. "I don't understand. You'll, what, live here in this hole in the ground? How will you eat? How will you - how will I - what will you do?"
"What I have to." She turned to face the Seed, gazing into its depths. "We won't stay here; this location is too vulnerable. I'll have to go deeper. And I don't think I'll have to worry about eating, or much of anything else. I have a feeling I won't be me anymore. Not regular old human me, at any rate."
"Did you know? Before we came down here?"
The redhead shook her head. "I knew there'd be some kind of price, but I had no idea what it would be. It's okay, though. I promise. I... want to do this."
Buffy could see it in her face. Willow was at peace with her fate. "I'm going to lose you too? After everything that's happened - I'm going to lose you too?"
When Willow spoke, her voice was very gentle. "If we're being honest, Buffy... that happened a long time ago."
Dad-Angel-Mom-Riley-Giles-Dawn-Spike-Xander-William-Willow-
Alone. For the first time, Buffy would be well and truly alone.
Death is my gift.
Though Buffy had fought it, for over ten years, in the end she would succumb to her destiny. One girl. Alone. Anybody she hadn't managed to get killed, she'd driven off.
Alone.
She tightened her grip on the handle of the scythe still in her hand, and felt the wood begin to give. With a glance down at it, she loosened her fingers. This weapon - it was hers. When she held it, power coursed through her, from it to her and back again, because she was the Slayer. She was the one who had found it. She had wielded it to drive back the First, and had used it to destroy the Seed and stop Twilight.
Except Willow had tapped into its power as well - to call the other Slayers. To find and restore magic to their world. Maybe she could use it one more time.
"What about Aluwyn?" Buffy said, while possibilities raced through her mind.
Willow's gaze grew distant. "I'll be one with the magic. Maybe that means I'll be able to visit her at will. Or maybe... maybe it won't matter anymore." She stared at her fingers. "The change is only just beginning. I'm not sure where it will lead." Turning to face Buffy once more, she cocked her head to the side. "I really am sorry. About taking your choice away and making you normal. I shouldn't have done that."
Buffy shrugged. "I would have been happy. If, you know, it had stuck. The Slayer part of me was too strong, though." She looked down at the scythe, and then held it out to Willow. "You can fix that. Take her away. Make it stick, this time."
The expression of dreamy serenity on Willow's face vanished, replaced by shock. "Buffy - no."
"Why? You telling me you can't?"
"I - I can. With the power I have now, I can un-call you. And I can restore the spell I did that tied your memories to William's supernatural-free ones. It would be easy, and more-or-less permanent. But Buffy..." Willow shook her head. "You are the Slayer. The Slayer. You said so yourself, it's who you are."
"No. Who I am is Buffy. Being the Slayer is only part of me, and that part has destroyed everything I've ever cared about. Willow, I've lost everyone - even you. All I have left is this." She brandished the weapon in her hand. "I don't want it. I want my gold watch instead."
Willow's eyebrows drew together. "Are you sure?"
"The world is full of heroes. It can do without me." Buffy held the scythe out again. "Please."
.
. On to the (very short) epilogue...
.
Title: Palimpsest (Part Four)
Rating: R
Setting: Post-series AU (could be mid-S9)
Warnings: Grab your tissues. At least - I hope you need them! :)
A/N: I wrote this a year ago in preparation for the next round of Seasonal Spuffy... but Seasonal Spuffy has gone on hiatus. Meanwhile, S10 keeps getting more and more Scooby-friendship friendly, unlike S9. This is much closer to S9's mood.
A/N2: Written to go off-canon sometime mid-S9, but also written so that comic knowledge is mostly unnecessary (except for a few small jokes).
A/N3: Thanks to foxstarreh and margueritedaisy for beta work, and foxstarreh for being my S9 encyclopedia so that I didn't have to actually buy or read the comics. :)
PART ONE, PART TWO and PART THREE
Palimpsest: 1) A parchment or the like from which the writing has been partially or completely erased and replaced with new writing. 2) Something that has been changed over time and shows evidence of that change. (Merriam-Webster Online)
PART FOUR
[Her] delusions are multi-layered. She believes she's some type of Hero.
- Institution psychiatrist (Normal Again)
.
.
"You!" Buffy spun Willow around and slammed her into the wall. "You did this to me! Why?"
"Why?" Willow laughed, and Buffy felt a jolt of electricity go through her, forcing her away from the witch. "You were practically begging me for it. Oh, Willow, why can't I just be normal? Day after day of listening to you whine. Sooo boring! So I gave you what you wanted."
"I didn't ask you for this. For nightmares, and confusion, and... And to have all my choice taken away from me!"
"Hey, well. I didn't ask to be a witch-less witch. You gave me the gift of 'normal' without a second thought. I only returned the favor."
Willow made a grab for the mini-Seed, but Buffy backhanded her away. After so many months of being a regular girl, the strength coursing through her felt strange. Strange, but exhilarating. "I don't think so! And why do you even still have this? I thought the whole point of it was to regenerate Earth's Seed, not to... to..." She narrowed her eyes in comprehension. "You've been keeping it with you for the power boost. That's why you're all with the Dark Willow again."
"Guess what they say about getting wiser with age is true. Now give it here, Buffy, before you get hurt. I don't wanna hurt you..." Lightning arced from her fingertips. "But I'm not gonna be too cut up about it, either."
"No!" Buffy backed away. "Look at you. This has got to stop."
The witch sighed. "And this is why I liked you so much better when you were just Buffy. Get a little Slayer in you, and you turn all righteous. Ugh."
Buffy dodged a flash of light. If Willow needed the power of the Seed in her hand to get her full mojo on, then she would just have to make sure the witch didn't get her hands on it.
She turned and ran.
.
*******
.
Buffy turned and ran, chasing down the last vampire, the one intent on dragging William away for a late-night snack. One well-aimed stake, and goodbye vampire. She caught William before he could fall to the ground. Heart hammering, she pressed her fingers to his neck, praying to find a pulse. A part of her was weirded out to be checking Spike for a pulse, but the bigger part of her was simply relieved to find one.
"Thank god," she muttered, though taking in the state he was in, merely having a pulse wasn't enough to make her own heart stop its panicked rabbiting in her chest. "And... it's back to the hospital for us."
As Buffy hoisted William over her shoulder, she couldn't help but wonder how she'd ended up on the wrong side of the hell portal when it had closed.
.
*******
.
"Coffee?"
"Thanks, Willow." Buffy turned back to the comatose man in the bed, eyes scanning him for any change and finding none. "I don't get it. Why Shanshu Spike just to kill him off hours later? Surely whoever's in charge of these things knew what was going to happen."
Willow settled into the other chair. The hue of the skin around her eyes would have made a raccoon proud. "Shawn-who-now?"
Right. She hadn't exactly had the time to explain to Willow what she'd figured out about William in between... in between everything that had happened. "It's this prophecy thing. About vampires - vampires with souls to be specific. If they rack up enough good deeds, help out in an apocalypse or two, they get to be real boys again. More importantly, they get to be real boys who've received absolution for their past."
Spike had told her about it during that period when they'd been sort-of friends, before the whole robot disaster. She'd finally worked up the courage to ask him why he'd stayed in Los Angeles, and more importantly, why he'd never called her. Eyes trained on his boots, he'd explained about the Shanshu prophecy, and how things had developed from there. "Huh," she'd said. "I never pegged you for wanting to be human again. You always seemed to like being a vampire so much."
"I do at that. It's the guilt I'm not so fond of."
"It's still...?"
"It's always there, Buffy. Never goes away. Never going to forget. And I know as I deserve hell and worse for everything I've done, but... It's a nice idea. Bit like holding out the idea of heaven for the rest of you, I reckon." Of course, then he'd gone on to tell her how it was all a lie he didn't believe in. After all, he and Angel had each played pivotal roles in how many apocalypses now, and neither of them had developed a dependency on oxygen afterwards.
But, Buffy figured, maybe it didn't take effect until after they dusted. Or... or maybe Spike's sacrifice this time, right on the cusp of her finally choosing him, had been the ticket. The final gold star he'd needed to earn. Either way, he had his clean slate now.
"It kinda sucks though. Not just this." Buffy gestured to William's still form. "But the whole deal. I mean, he's a hero. A champion! And he doesn't get to remember a single minute of it. How he struggled. How he changed. What he had to go through to earn this. It's just - pfft - gone. Like it doesn't even matter!"
"I think that's the point. To remember the good, he'd have to remember the bad. And if he did, he could never be free of it."
Though Buffy had to agree Willow's explanation made sense, it was still too sad for words. Spike had been baptized in blood and tempered in fire. He'd gone through hell - literally - and come out the other side of it a changed man. But he would never get to fully appreciate just what he had accomplished, in the end.
Then again, if he didn't wake up from his coma, he'd never get to appreciate anything.
.
*******
.
William didn't wake up. Not on day one, or day two, or day three-four-five-six-seven. Buffy divided her time between the terrible, mind-numbing aftermath of death (sorting-packing-calling-arranging-consoling-burying-lying-in-a-heap-and-crying) and sentry duty at the hospital.
At least she didn't have to go it alone. The circle of people she could count on was down to one, but it was a one who had been by her side longer than anybody else alive. Anybody else still alive. When packing up Dawn's clothes got to be too much, Willow was there to sort and fold while Buffy sobbed over the summer camp t-shirt Dawn had worn years longer than she should have, until it was threadbare and see-through. When Willow broke down in the middle of trying to find Xander's parents to let them know what had happened, Buffy took the phone from her slack hand and spoke with his Uncle Rory. And when neither of them could go on, they didn't go on together.
Andrew showed up at some point, almost helpful, and then Faith came, and somehow that made everything a tiny bit better. Faith, it turned out, was a part of the circle now. Like long ago with her mom, Buffy was grateful to have somebody else step in and take over at least part of the arrangements. Faith got them through the worst of it before she had to return to England for her own crisis, taking her leave of Buffy with a fierce hug. And even though Buffy was pretty sure nothing would ever be okay again, that hug gave her the courage to go on.
With the funerals over, Buffy turned her attention to William. If she focused on him, it meant she didn't have to think about anything else. Day after day, she sat at his bedside, monitoring his monitors and talking to him about everything and nothing. When she wasn't monologue-ing to William, she kept up a steady stream of prattle with Willow, sharing every thought that wasn't a thought about... other people. Babbling Buffy meant Not Thinking Bad Thoughts Buffy.
One day, she said: "This is good, I mean, he just gets to live as a normal guy. That's a reward, to not be dealing with vamps and apocalypses and all that. Kind of a relief, really."
And on another: "If you look at it in the right way, it's more like he's getting his life back. That's the way to look at it, instead of seeing it as they, whoever they are, stole something from him. I mean, Drusilla stole his life, really. She took that away from him. And now he has it back. You just have to ignore how it's over a century later. Not like they had record stores back then. Did they?"
Then: "I guess it had to be this way. William getting Sunnydale-itis. He can't be clued in to the demon world, otherwise he might remember he was one, and there goes his happy shiny guilt-free reward. But how do you think we can make it work, with me the Slayer and him so oblivious? Maybe it's not supposed to work. Sure, we can stay friends, casual friends, but maybe it was going to be more. Except now that's impossible, because he's normal and I'm not. What kind of relationship is that? 'Hi honey, where have you been all night and why are your clothes always covered in blood?' Talk about awkward."
Followed by: "Maybe it doesn't matter, because he's not Spike, not anymore. And I know I loved Spike, but do I love William? I don't know. He could be really different now, not just in the duh, not a vampire way, but his whole personality. And maybe the vampire part matters. For me. You know me and normal guys have never been a thing. I tend to have a type, and let's face it, Spike fit that profile way more than William does."
And more than once: "It's too bad there's no Shanshu for Slayers. You've done your time, here's your gold watch, thanks for your service. And then - poof. Not just a long life, but a long, normal life. Seems only fair, you know."
"The prodigal son gets the fatted calf?" Willow said, with more than a trace of impatience in her voice. It took Buffy a long, long time to dredge up the reference, and by the time she'd figured it out and marveled over the Jewish girl quoting the Bible, Willow had fled, leaving William her only audience.
.
*******
.
On day eight of William's coma, Buffy was hit with a new concern. When Willow poked her head into his hospital room later that afternoon, Buffy led her back out into to the hallway so she could share her worries out of earshot, just in case he could hear... and understand.
"However they brought William back, it had to be magic, right? So... what if... what if... what if what happened to Dawn..." She had to stop and swallow several times before she could go on. "What if that's what's wrong with William? Since, you know, magic is still all fritzy until the old Seed heals?"
The parallels between William's situation and Dawn's were definitely too similar to ignore. At first, they'd thought Dawn was just sick, nothing more - until their memories had begun to fade. That was when they'd figured out the problem was due to magic, or lack thereof. But she and Xander had also realized Dawn wasn't just magic, at least not anymore, otherwise she would have disappeared the moment the Seed of Wonder broke. She'd evolved from a mystical construct into a hybrid, both living human and something else. A sort of symbiotic half-breed, like vampires. So, while the magic had been escaping for months, the human part of her had held her together. And when the magic had reached critically low levels, the human part had begun to die as well. One half couldn't live without the other.
William, with his new life and altered memories, had to be part-magic. He had to be. And now he was sick, possibly dying. The thought that he might be undergoing the same fate...
Willow's hand crept to the mini-Seed as she listened to Buffy's concerns. With a frown, she held one finger up in a wait here gesture and ducked into William's room. Buffy paced the hallway, resisting the urge to follow. The redhead hurried out several minutes later. "I'm not getting the same vibe off of him. His is a straight-up coma. And," she added quickly, "though there is a magical component to his energy, it's not the same. It's... I dunno. Bigger than Earth magic? Like... trans-dimensional, or something. But I'm positive you don't have to worry about that part of him. Whatever's wrong is because he's human, and humans... well, they get hurt."
Buffy relaxed. Just a little. Sort of.
"So, hey. What about the Seed?" Desperate to think about anything other than William's condition, if only for a moment, she nodded at Willow's fabu new fashion accessory. "Don't you have to work some hocus-pocus to get it up and running again?"
"I do. It's not going to be easy, though. I have to make the trip back down into the Sunnydale crater, and I was kinda thinking I should wait until things settled down around here."
"You're going to need help, I'm guessing."
"It would be nice. Having someone to watch my back. Maybe a couple of someones."
Buffy thought about William lying motionless in the other room. She wanted to be here when he woke up, but... A Slayer's duty was never done. "I think this is as settled as it's ever going to get."
"Yeah," Willow said. "Okay."
.
*******
.
Buffy made it down the hallway and almost to the apartment building's stairs before she ran into what felt like a brick wall. An invisible brick wall. Willow rounded the corner a moment later, the hall lights guttering out with a shower of sparks.
"Trying to outrun a witch? Not your best plan."
Crap. Even without the mini-Seed, Willow could still work her spells. Think Buffy, think. "You might not be so fond of the Slayer in me, but gotta tell you, Wills..." Her eyes scanned the dim hallway, searching for options. Brute strength versus magic rarely worked well. "Not loving the whole Darth Willow angle. You could even say I hate it. Not too thrilled with the déjà-vu-y-ness of the moment, either." Willow only advanced on her, one hand out, and Buffy felt the necklace begin to slip out of her grasp, tugged away by an invisible force. She looked down at the stone, and shuddered. It gave her the heebie-jeebies. The thing was pulsing, and... bigger than it used to be? Buffy was positive it was almost double the size of the stone Willow had brought out of Quor'toth.
"Plus, what's with the hoarding? I thought it was so important to take this thing to Sunnydale and restore Earth's balance. What happened to that plan?"
Willow shrugged. "I found a better one." She twitched her hand. Buffy squeezed her fingers more tightly, though she wanted nothing more than to fling the throbbing, corrupted stone away. "And the Earth will still heal. Just a little more slowly this way. Meanwhile, I have the power I need. To be useful. Get things done."
"This doesn't feel useful. It feels evil." She shuddered again as the rock strained towards the witch. "This Seed did come from a hell dimension, after all. How do we know -"
"The Seed is pure."
"Okay, was, maybe, but..." Willow took another step forward. Buffy eyed the space to her left, calculating distances. "I think..."
Willow moved left and Buffy darted right, down the hallway and back to the apartment. I think it's been feeding on you, she finished in her head. It was definitely bigger, and Willow looked... desiccated.
Either way, right now Buffy had something more important to worry about.
She needed to figure out where Willow had stashed her scythe.
Buffy knocked into the doorjamb and went tumbling into the living room, then headed for the bedroom. The scythe would be out of sight, and... She closed her eyes and concentrated. Her head snapped to the right, and like a bloodhound, she followed the hum of power emanating from the back of Willow's closet. She closed her hand around the handle just as Willow skidded into the room. Buffy glanced from the blade in one hand to the stone in the other. "Time to end this," she said, and dropped the necklace and raised her weapon.
"NO!" Willow yelled. "No, you can't!"
"Oh, I can. Believe me. Been there, done that already. Not going to have a problem doing it again."
Willow backed off several steps, her hands up in a gesture of submission. "If you do, Buffy... if you do, the world will never heal."
"Not feeling the urgency." It was too late to help Dawn. Let the world burn. And it wasn't like she had seen any other tangible need for magic. Buffy was nowhere near convinced this chunk of polished rock was necessary, or even beneficial. "Neither were you, a few minutes ago. So..." She reared back.
Before she could reverse into a downward swing, Willow shouted something, and the stone rocketed out from under her foot. Buffy pounced, missed, and pounced again, this time stopping the necklace's forward motion by trapping the chain beneath her foot. Willow grunted out another incantation, arms extended, the dark veins that criss-crossed her face bulging outward.
The necklace wobbled frantically. Willow loosed another spell, knocking Buffy backwards. Once more, the red stone rocketed forward, and Buffy sped after it, grasping it just before Willow could close her hand around it. "Give it back, bitch!" Willow snarled.
"No can do." Buffy darted backwards, then turned and ran from the apartment and down the hallway. She stopped in front of the stairwell and dropped the necklace again, this time securing it with both feet. The witch arrived a split second after, a hex rolling off her tongue, but it lacked the force of her previous spells. When she attempted another incantation, Buffy could see it was straining all of her resources. Though the necklace twisted under her feet, Slayer strength won out this time, and Willow cursed viciously.
"Who do you think will pay the price for your fuck-up this time, Buffy? You know, you haven't managed to off your vampire lover for good, yet. Maybe it'll be William who dies this time, what do you think?"
Buffy winced. "I'm sorry, Willow. I don't care if it means you hate me for the rest of your life. I'm not going to lose you to the dark side."
Willow shouted something in a guttural language. The air crackled around her, but other than a whiff of ozone, nothing happened. With a hard look at Willow, Buffy made sure the chain was secure and raised the scythe once more.
"No, please!" Willow fell to the ground, and as she did, the darkness bled away, leaving behind a pale and trembling version of the girl Buffy knew. She held her hands out in supplication. "I was wrong, I know. I know. Just... don't break it. Please. Please. We can take it to Sunnydale right now. Okay?"
Buffy hesitated. Willow certainly seemed sincere. But on the other hand, who was to say she wouldn't change her mind the moment her power replenished? And then there was the question of the Seed itself - was using a possibly corrupted Seed to restore magic the best of plans? She poked the rock with her toe, and frowned. Though it still reeked of power, it was different now. The stone no longer glowed an angry red, nor was it giving off evil vibes. "Okay," she said, giving it another nudge. "You have thirty seconds to convince me."
Willow narrowed her eyes, and the air grew heavy. "Convince you? Here we go again, with you thinking you're the one who deserves to be in charge. Just because you're the Slayer. But it doesn't make you any better than me. And after all the times you've screwed up -"
"I've screwed up, Willow. I'm more than willing to admit it. I've - god, I've screwed up. But that doesn't change what's going on with you, right here, right now. This isn't right, and you know it. The question is, are you willing to admit it?"
"I'm in control," Willow said, even as her eyes darkened.
Buffy raised her eyebrows and hefted the blade higher. When the other woman showed no sign of backing down, she said, "Your thirty seconds are up."
"No, no, wait! Here I am! With the talking! All right? Okay?" Contrary to her words, Willow bit her lip and paused there, though she kept her hands up in surrender. Finally, she drew a shuddering breath. "I was going to take the Seed back to Sunnydale right away. Really, I was. But, see, I knew it would take a long time for magic to restore itself naturally while the original Seed repaired. It might take years before it reaches maximum power. And in the meantime, the longer I kept the mini-version with me, the more I didn't want to give it up. Having it made me powerful again." Willow grimaced. "I never wanted to be a normal girl."
"But you wouldn't be. Not forever. Meanwhile, everybody else is suffering, or so you told me."
"I might have... forgotten that." Willow closed her eyes. She took several deep breaths, gearing up for some confession. Buffy waited. "And... and it was the only way to be with Aluwyn. Without tapping directly into the power of the mini-Seed, I couldn't reach her. I was... I am afraid to give that up. I don't know how long it will be until the magic is strong enough I can do it on my own."
"Aluwyn... Your girlfriend?"
Willow nodded. "She's not from this dimension. It takes more than a plane ride to reach her."
"Oh." Oh. Suddenly things made a lot more sense. And Willow's actions... they were still wrong. But understandable. Almost. "You know the right thing is gonna be the hard thing."
"Isn't it always?"
Buffy sighed. "Are you sure this Seed is safe? 'Cause I'm not feeling too trusting right now."
"Yeah. It's safe. Once it's in place, it'll do its job. Once it's away from me." Willow radiated guilt. "It's not meant to be used that way. I kinda, sorta... brought out the worst in it."
And it had brought out the worst in Willow. Not that Buffy was going to be all with the finger-pointing. Not when it was her fault Willow had had to go to such lengths in the first place.
She sighed again. "Get your climbing gear. We're going on a field trip."
.
*******
.
"So how are we going to do this?" Buffy said. She and Willow had adjourned the hospital cafeteria to plan their strategy, out of William's earshot. "Get to the bottom of the crater and back out again?"
Willow thought maybe witches would be helpful, and Buffy thought maybe Slayers would be better equipped for the grueling task, but neither of them knew which Slayers and which witches could be counted on for such a dangerous mission. Neither group had been fond of Buffy - or, by extension, Willow - these last few months. Of the usual people she could count on in a crisis, one lay comatose in the hospital, human now, and the others - the others...
She shoved the thought away.
"Faith?" Willow suggested.
Buffy shook her head. Faith was busy with her own crisis. Worse, a call to the other Slayer meant risking Angel on the line instead. She stared at the map and did her best not to think of the last time they'd had to return to Sunnydale.
Giles Angel Giles Angel GilesAngelGiles -
"Riley," Willow said.
"Huh?" Buffy's head snapped up.
"Maybe Riley could get us in. With a helicopter, or something."
Buffy bit her lip. Involving the military was pretty much at the bottom of her options list - only Simone ranked lower - and they weren't too fond of her, either. But it would make life easier. "Let's sleep on it. If it still seems like a good plan tomorrow, I'll give him a call and see what he can do."
Back in William's room, she settled into the bedside chair and resumed her vigil. Much as she hated the idea of leaving his side, even for a day or two, she found she was grateful for a new problem. One she could actually do something about. Sitting around had never been her style, and it was doubly hard now, when sitting meant time to think.
"So, William," she said, and resumed her monologue.
She was in the middle of describing some childhood event involving Dawn and a permanent marker when his toes - the ones not suspended in a cast above the bed - twitched. Buffy paused mid-sentence, her eyes darting between his foot and the monitors by his head. When nothing more happened after a minute, she scooted her chair closer and carefully lifted his hand. "William? Can you hear me?"
Barely, almost imperceptibly, one finger moved.
.
*******
.
They put off planning the trip to Sunnydale, just for a few days, while Buffy hovered at William's side and basked in his every croaked word and feeble smile. As the hours passed, one thing came more and more clear to her.
She loved him. No, he wasn't Spike. But he was still him. Snarky and strong, perceptive and tender, and a bit of an asshole.
Buffy loved him.
And she was going to have to let him go.
"I can't do this to William," Buffy told Willow later the next day. "I - if I try to be with him, I'll just get him killed. Maybe for good, next time." She thought of how he'd yelled - screamed, really - when the nurses had moved his leg earlier, and her resolve was strengthened. She couldn't bear one more person hurt because of her, or worse. "I'm the Slayer, Willow. I don't get to have a normal boyfriend. I can't protect William and keep him safe from what's out there. Even if I wanted to give Slaying up, and maybe I could now there are hundreds of others to take my place, it wouldn't matter. It would still find me. As long as I'm the Slayer, I have a big target painted on my forehead, and that includes anybody who's close to me."
With Willow in tow, she tiptoed into William's room. "I don't... I can't say goodbye." They watched as he slept, and Buffy dashed at the tears running down her cheeks. "He'll be okay, right? Maybe he'll even forget me."
"Maybe it doesn't have to be this way."
Buffy shook her head. "Yes. It does."
"No." Willow's voice was strangely harsh, and Buffy turned to her, a question on her lips. It died out when she saw her friend's hand wrapped around the stone at her neck, and her contorted expression framed by ebony hair. The air in the room crackled, making all of the tiny hairs on Buffy's body stand on end. Willow grabbed her wrist in one hand, and William's in the other. "It doesn't."
.
*******
.
The bottom of the Sunnydale crater was much as Buffy remembered it, minus all the dead demons. And dead people. Riley's voice echoed into her ear through the headset, and she shook her head. This was something she and Willow had to do alone.
Besides, she still wasn't completely convinced of Willow's change of heart. If it came down to Witch versus Slayer again, she wanted him out of the way. Humans, highly militarized or not, would only be a liability. She slid out the door and ducked low, running bent in half until she was clear of the blades, and Willow did the same. Carefully, they picked their way across the ruined landscape and towards the opening of the cavern.
"What do you think we'll find in there?" Willow asked.
Buffy gripped her scythe more tightly. "If it's the Master, it's your turn to kill him."
They only found a small nest of easy-to-kill demons, however, and soon they were standing in the shadowy cavern where (GilesAngelGiles) Buffy had broken the original Seed and changed the world. With heavy feet, she approached the base of the shattered red stone. In its broken shards, she could feel the weight of her sister's death on her soul. Her sister's, her Watcher's, and her best friend's.
"What did I do, Willow?"
Willow, for once, was nothing but sympathetic. "What had to be done, Buffy. Maybe... maybe it was the only choice."
Buffy stood glued to the spot, Dawn's face staring back at her from every reflective red surface. "I don't want to be the one to make these choices anymore. I don't want to be the one responsible."
"Buffy..." Willow smiled sadly. "I tried that. It didn't take. You are the Slayer."
Yes, she was. And now that she knew it...
"What am I going to tell William? How can I - he won't understand." Buffy finally gave voice to the one thing she'd been ignoring ever since her memoires had been restored. "I have to leave him. How do I break his heart?"
And mine?
"I don't know." Willow touched her on the arm, briefly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that to you... I'm sorry."
"Did you do it with good intentions?"
Willow looked away.
Buffy felt impossibly old and tired. All those years together. How had it come to this?
She took a seat on a chunk of rubble and passed Willow the mini-Seed. "At least we can put this right."
While Willow incanted and invoked, Buffy let her mind drift over the last few months. They hadn't been happy months, exactly, not with the nightmares and the grieving over her sister and friend. But they'd been good. She could have lived that life, with William. It would have been a good life. As the minutes and the hours passed, she remained as still as a statue on her perch in the shadows, reliving those months and mourning the loss of future ones.
"We've got time, sweetheart." William's voice echoed inside her head. "We've got all the time in the world."
No. She began to sniffle. We don't.
Long after her eyes had dried and she had stilled once more, there was a hum and a flash, and a sound like glass breaking, but in reverse. When Buffy could see again, the cavern was bathed in a gentle red glow. In the center stood the original Seed, covered in cracks, but otherwise restored.
"Is that it?"
Willow hesitated. "It's done. Time will do the rest."
She climbed to her feet. "All right then." Willow didn't move. "Wills?"
"It needs a protector."
"And..." Buffy sensed this was more than idle conversation. "What are you saying?"
"I mean... I have to stay with the Seed. And protect it."
Buffy stared at her friend. "No. No, no, no!" She shook her head. "Baaaad idea."
Willow smiled, gently. "It won't hurt me. And I won't hurt it. This is... pure, Buffy. No vein-y magical black badness down this path."
"Okay, but you still can't stay here -"
"I have to. The Seed needs a protector. A guardian. In order to restore it, I had to pledge to protect it. Besides..." She gave Buffy a tiny, mischievous grin. "Don't you think I'll make a better guardian than the Master?"
Buffy paced, from one end of the cavern to the other, trying to accept what Willow was saying. She stopped in front of her friend. "I don't understand. You'll, what, live here in this hole in the ground? How will you eat? How will you - how will I - what will you do?"
"What I have to." She turned to face the Seed, gazing into its depths. "We won't stay here; this location is too vulnerable. I'll have to go deeper. And I don't think I'll have to worry about eating, or much of anything else. I have a feeling I won't be me anymore. Not regular old human me, at any rate."
"Did you know? Before we came down here?"
The redhead shook her head. "I knew there'd be some kind of price, but I had no idea what it would be. It's okay, though. I promise. I... want to do this."
Buffy could see it in her face. Willow was at peace with her fate. "I'm going to lose you too? After everything that's happened - I'm going to lose you too?"
When Willow spoke, her voice was very gentle. "If we're being honest, Buffy... that happened a long time ago."
Dad-Angel-Mom-Riley-Giles-Dawn-Spike-Xander-William-Willow-
Alone. For the first time, Buffy would be well and truly alone.
Death is my gift.
Though Buffy had fought it, for over ten years, in the end she would succumb to her destiny. One girl. Alone. Anybody she hadn't managed to get killed, she'd driven off.
Alone.
She tightened her grip on the handle of the scythe still in her hand, and felt the wood begin to give. With a glance down at it, she loosened her fingers. This weapon - it was hers. When she held it, power coursed through her, from it to her and back again, because she was the Slayer. She was the one who had found it. She had wielded it to drive back the First, and had used it to destroy the Seed and stop Twilight.
Except Willow had tapped into its power as well - to call the other Slayers. To find and restore magic to their world. Maybe she could use it one more time.
"What about Aluwyn?" Buffy said, while possibilities raced through her mind.
Willow's gaze grew distant. "I'll be one with the magic. Maybe that means I'll be able to visit her at will. Or maybe... maybe it won't matter anymore." She stared at her fingers. "The change is only just beginning. I'm not sure where it will lead." Turning to face Buffy once more, she cocked her head to the side. "I really am sorry. About taking your choice away and making you normal. I shouldn't have done that."
Buffy shrugged. "I would have been happy. If, you know, it had stuck. The Slayer part of me was too strong, though." She looked down at the scythe, and then held it out to Willow. "You can fix that. Take her away. Make it stick, this time."
The expression of dreamy serenity on Willow's face vanished, replaced by shock. "Buffy - no."
"Why? You telling me you can't?"
"I - I can. With the power I have now, I can un-call you. And I can restore the spell I did that tied your memories to William's supernatural-free ones. It would be easy, and more-or-less permanent. But Buffy..." Willow shook her head. "You are the Slayer. The Slayer. You said so yourself, it's who you are."
"No. Who I am is Buffy. Being the Slayer is only part of me, and that part has destroyed everything I've ever cared about. Willow, I've lost everyone - even you. All I have left is this." She brandished the weapon in her hand. "I don't want it. I want my gold watch instead."
Willow's eyebrows drew together. "Are you sure?"
"The world is full of heroes. It can do without me." Buffy held the scythe out again. "Please."
.
. On to the (very short) epilogue...
.