FIC: So Crazy it Just Might Work (Xander, Angel), Part 12: "Expecting"
So, October - The day after I last posted a chapter of this fic, a friend of mine got in a bike accident and got a scary concussion. He was in the hospital for a couple of days. (He's fine now.) The day I picked him up, I also swung over to the airport (with him in the car) and picked up my girlfriend for her week-long visit (yay!). The day I dropped her back off at the airport, a conference held by our department for which I was the grad assistant began. At the end of the first full day of that conference, an undergraduate student of mine followed me around a department social event, being generally creepy and inappropriate. Oh, and totally high. (He somehow managed, in his inebriated state, to speak to nearly all my colleagues. Great.) That same day he also emailed me two plagiarized assignments - one fully plagiarized, the other interspersed with insane drugged-out ramblings including a highly improbable insertion of the word "spanking." While assistanting at that conference, I was also doing final details for a conference the following weekend, of which I was the director. Oh, and at which I presented a paper in the department for the first time, which I was still revising the day before I gave it. Everything actually went quite well. And I lived.
Which brings us to this week.
And explains why there have been no chapters and why I'm still ridiculously behind on my comment-answering.
To tell the truth, I'm fairly amazed this chapter exists right now. I wrote about 70% of it today.
Thank you all for your patience.
Just under 4000 words here, quite unbeta'd. If typos are spotted, please point them out.
Title: So Crazy it Just Might Work
Chapter: Twelve - "Expecting"
Pairing: Angel, Xander, Wesley, Spike; Spike/Xander
Rating: Mature
Disclaimer: Probably not what Joss envisioned. Some bits of dialogue have been stolen from AtS s1 "Expecting."
Thanks: To reremouse and cordelianne for their support.
Summary: A slashier version of the first season of AtS in which Angel teams up with Xander instead of Cordelia (but not in a sexual way).
Part One: "City Of..."
Part Two: "Lonely Hearts"
Part Three: "In the Dark"
Part Four: "I Fall to Pieces"
Part Five: "Rm w/ a Vu"
Part Six: "Sense and Sensitivity"
Part Seven: "Bachelor Party"
Part Eight A: "Pangs"
Part Eight B: "I Will Remember You"
Part Nine: "Hero"
Part Ten: "Parting Gifts"
Part Eleven: "Somnambulist"
Xander stands in the front office and studies his reflection in one of the windows, reaching up to run two sets of fingers through his hair.
And again.
Reasonably satisfied, he turns to check the time…
And almost has a heart attack.
“A bell,” he tells Angel after catching his breath. “First thing in the morning, I am going out and buying you a bell.”
“Just wanted to check on a file,” Angel says, holding up the item in question.
“Ever hear of whistling while you work?” Xander purses his lips and offers a seven-note example.
Angel doesn’t look impressed.
“Oh, come on,” Xander says. “It was good enough for Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc. You could be Broody. You’d fit right in.”
“Too tall,” Angel says.
Xander stares and blinks. That Angel actually got the reference gives him the wig. He moves on. “So…” he glances back at his reflection, “how do I look?”
And now it’s Angel’s turn to make with the staring and blinking. “Please don’t make me answer that.”
Hearing the office door open behind him, Xander looks past Angel to finish checking the time. Yep, just past sunset. “Sorry, Spike,” he calls without turning, “no evil tonight.”
“Hello,” the voice from the doorway says at the same time. “I was just in the neighborhood, patrolling with my new Bavarian fighting axe…”
“Still Happy Hour at Sidestreet, though,” Xander continues. “If you hurry.”
“…when I suddenly thought ‘perhaps Xander has had a vision’, perhaps you need my help in…”
Xander turns to see Wesley walking into the office. “Oh hey, Wes. Sorry, I thought you were Spike.”
Wesley frowns. “I daresay no one’s ever made that particular mistake before.”
“Mistake making is an art form,” Xander says. “I’m very innovative.”
“Yes, well, I just thought I’d stop by and see if you needed any… Wait a moment, did you say ‘no evil’?”
Angel shrugs. “We seem to be evil free at the moment.”
Wesley looks disappointed for a moment, but then brightens. “Well,” he says, “I also packed along a ‘Word Puzzle 3-D’ if either of you has the nerve to take me on.”
Xander manages to hold back his eye roll. “Sorry, Wes, it…uh…sounds fun and all, but I’ve already got plans.”
“And anyone with two eyes can see what those plans are.”
Xander, Wesley and Angel turn toward to door to find a leering Spike.
“Hey!” Xander objects. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Spike gives him a second once-over, taking in the tight tee shirt and ass-hugging jeans, lifts an eyebrow. “Means you look positively edible tonight, pet.”
Xander smiles, then turns to Angel. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”
“You wanted me to tell you you looked edible?”
Xander reconsiders. “Okay, yeah, no, not so much.”
“Right.” Spike claps his hands together. “So, Angel - Harris’s got his ‘plans’ - guess that leaves you and me. Ready to go fight some evil?”
Angel actually looks reluctant to break the news.
However, Wesley - visibly bristling over having been overlooked - is not. “I’m afraid they’re fresh out,” he says.
“What’s that?” Spike asks.
“Evil,” Wesley clarifies. “There isn’t any. Unless of course you’d like us to stake you. I’m sure Angel and I could be persuaded.”
Spike studies Wesley for a moment, then laughs. “You know, I think I like you, Watcher Boy.” He nods toward the weapon in Wes’s hand. “Nice axe, by the way.”
Wesley blushes. “Thanks, I…uh…you know,” he swings the axe around in what’s probably supposed to pass as a casual manner, “just happened to have it lying…” The blade goes slicing into the wall behind him and sticks “…around.”
Xander and Angel exchange a look, but before Xander can comment, he hears someone at the door again. He snags his jacket from a nearby chair and takes a quick step in that direction as his friends walk in.
“We’re late,” Travis says. “Nico practically had to have phone sex with the caterer’s assistant to get him to sneak us in.”
“You’re sneaking into a party?” Wes and Spike ask at the same time.
Wesley looks horrified.
Spike looks proud.
Angel looks vaguely stunned by the sudden presence of multiple strangers.
“Thank god for Nico’s accent,” Travis continues. “We’re totally in, but we need to go now. Right, Nico?” Travis looks over his right shoulder for Nico’s confirmation, but Nico’s attention is otherwise occupied. Travis follows Nico’s gaze. “Or, you know, we could hang out here for awhile. Enjoy the scenery.”
Xander shakes his head. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”
“Xander,” Nico says. “Don’t you think you should introduce us to your friends?”
“Let’s call them coworkers,” Xander says. “And, no.”
“Aw, come on, Xand.” Travis steps closer to Angel, who takes a step back. “Don’t be selfish.”
“Believe me when I say I have only your best interests in mind.”
“Xander…”
“Okay, fine. Travis, Nico - meet Angel, Wesley and Spike. Happy? Good. Let’s go.”
“Could change our plans,” Travis says. “Three of us, three of them. Plenty enough for a little party of our own.”
Xander hears Spike drawing in breath to speak and pins him with a glare, his own voice firm. “They’re not interested.”
Spike just smirks. “What’s wrong, pet? Ashamed of us?”
“Yes,” Xander says. He spots his wallet still sitting on his desk and moves toward it. “Yes, I-”
The pain stabs through his skull and his hand flies to his forehead as he drops to his knees behind the desk.
Beyond the haze of the vision he hears something fall to the ground next to him and Angel’s voice saying, “Ah, Xander, grab that file, will you? Sorry.”
He can hear Wesley muttering something from the floor beside him and Spike chatting Travis and Nico up about the party.
“I could get you in,” he hears Nico tell Spike.
“Sorry, mate, just got a better offer.”
The vision fading, Xander can hear the renewed impatience in Travis’s voice loud and clear. “Xand, tick, tock.”
Xander grabs the edge of the desk and pulls himself back to his feet, grabbing his wallet with a shaky hand and slipping it into his back pocket.
Angel clears his throat. “So, that client I’m supposed to be meeting tonight, what’s he like again?”
Some things really don’t lend themselves to subtle euphemism. “Like a big baby hatching from a big egg with really large hands and ugly fingernails.” Xander writes down the address he saw and hands the paper to Angel. “You’re meeting him here.” He heads for Travis and Nico, now hovering by the door. “Oh, so now you guys are ready to go.”
“Your coworkers,” Nico says as the office door closes behind them. “They are a bit strange.”
Xander rolls his eyes. “You don’t know the half of it.”
“Hot, though,” Travis says, not lowering his voice nearly enough to elude vampire hearing. “I mean for a body like that Angel guy’s, I could overlook a few-”
Xander slaps him upside the head as they start down the stairs.
As they slip out of the kitchen and into the party, Xander flashes back on his previous job and has to remind himself that he is not supposed to be carrying a tray.
Or scouting for evil.
But he can still feel a vague throb about his temples leftover from the vision and figures he’s had enough white hatitude for one evening.
They make their way to the bar, then survey the room, drinks in hand.
“Two o’clock,” Travis says. Xander and Nico look in that direction.
“Out of our league,” Xander says.
“This whole party is out of our league,” Travis says. “That’s why we didn’t come in the front door.”
“Point,” Xander says.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” Travis asks. “Not like we haven’t been turned down before - by guys actually in our league.”
“Actually, I’m thinking we could get tossed out into the street by those bodyguards over there,” Xander says. Travis and Nico follow his gaze to the two buff men in black standing on either side of the main entrance, bulging arms crossed over equally bulging chests. “And suddenly the manhandling? Not sounding so bad.”
“I wouldn’t mind,” Nico says.
“Down, boy,” Travis says. “We can get ourselves kicked out later. Right now, let’s focus. Target acquired - two o’clock.
“Three of us, three of them,” Nico notes, repeating Travis’s earlier words.
This time around, Xander likes that math. “I call the blond,” he says.
Ten minutes later, Xander is calling the blond Matt and sitting next to him on a couch and they’re actually talking. And not just discussing where and how soon they can fuck, either - a real, bona fide conversation.
“So you grew up in Sunnydale. That’s a pretty small town, right? Must have been tough.”
“I won’t say it didn’t try to kill me once or twice.”
Matt laughs. “But you survived.”
“I had tough friends.”
“Tough friends,” Matt repeats. “Why do I get the feeling you’re selling yourself short here?”
“Because you’ve never met my friends?” Xander quips. “Seriously, my friend Buffy? Could totally kick your ass.”
Matt laughs and Xander smiles like he was actually joking.
“Still, you came here. On your own. And that’s something. L.A. is not for the faint of heart.”
Xander shrugs. “Well, you know what they say about the fools and the rushing in? Let’s just say it’s my signature move.”
“Some people might call that bravery.”
“Only the ones who can’t hear me muttering ‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit’ in my head.”
Matt laughs again. “Thank you,” he says.
“For what?”
“For making tonight fun. You have no idea how dull these parties can get.”
“You’re right - I really don’t.” Xander lowers his voice. “We snuck in.”
“Really?” Matt laughs some more. “And here I’ve spent the last hour trying to figure out how to sneak out. Well, before the last fifteen minutes anyway.”
“You can’t just leave?”
“Are you kidding? Tripp watches the door like a hawk. It’s not even midnight. If I left now, I’d never hear the end of it.”
“What about the kitchens?” Xander asks.
“What about them?”
“Is Tripp watching those doors?”
Matt grins. “He probably doesn’t even know where they are.”
Xander grins back. “Well, lucky for you, I do. Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
For some reason when Matt suggests going back to Xander’s place, Xander breaks policy and doesn’t say no.
“I do have a roommate,” he warns as they walk from the car to the door. “But he should be out. He tends to come rolling in just before dawn.”
“Creature of the night, eh?”
“That’s a romantic way of looking at it.” See also: bloodsucking fiend. Xander unlocks the door and sticks his head into the apartment. The lights and the TV are both off. “Yep, he’s still out.”
“Mind if I come in, then?”
Xander’s not about to answer that one. Instead, he reachs up and grabs hold of Matt’s shirt, pulling him in for a kiss before dragging him - invite free - right across the threshold.
When they break apart, Xander closes and locks the front door, then turns the lights on to dim.
Matt looks around. “Nice. I’m glad we have the place to ourselves.”
Suddenly, the lights go bright.
Xander goes back to the switch and turns them down again. “Yeah, as long as you don’t mind my ghost.”
Matt laughs. “I lived in an old building once. They can be quirky.”
“Yeah, well if they know what’s good for them, they’re gonna wanna be a little less quirky starting pretty much right now.” Xander turns on the radio, but the mellow eletronica that starts out is quickly replaced by something with at least three accordions.
“That’s some jaunty Polka,” Matt says.
“Did I mention that my ghost can be a little judgmental?”
“He doesn’t like me?”
“He doesn’t know you,” Xander says. “And he doesn’t get a vote. Also - he lives in the living room.”
“Then I guess we’ll just have to get out of his way,” Matt says.
Xander starts down the hall, smiling back over his shoulder. “I like the way you think.”
When Xander wakes up and opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Spike’s face.
Which is about four feet from Xander’s face.
And staring down at it.
Xander almost has a heart attack.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Spike! What the hell are you doing?”
“Waiting for you to wake up.”
“Waiting for me…? Are you insane? Where’s Matt?”
“That bloke you shagged last night?”
“No, Spike, Matt my pet turtle,” Xander growls. “Yes, the bloke I shagged last night! You better not have scared him away.”
“Nope,” Spike says. “Scampered off all on his own a few hours ago.”
“Great.” Xander sighs. “A few hours? What time is it?”
“Quarter of eleven,” Spike says. “So, you two have a good time last night?”
“None of your business. Now get out so I can get ready for work.”
“Don’t think you’re going to work today. Didn’t they teach you about condoms in that school of yours?”
“Well, actually, they liked to highlight abstinence, but… What the hell are you talking about?”
“Safe sex,” Spike says.
“Okay, screw what - let’s go with why. As in, why are you here in my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed and waiting for me to wake up so you can talk to me about safe sex?”
“Figured someone ought to.” Spike looks thoughtful. “Though it’s a bit like closing the barn door after the cow’s gotten out, yeah?”
“I know about safe sex, Spike, okay? So why don’t you get out now? I really have to pee and get to work.”
“Angel’s on his way here.”
“Why? So he can take over for you and explain where babies come from?”
“Actually, we’re hoping Watcher Boy can take care of that one.”
“Wesley’s coming, too?”
“Hasn’t got time. He’s gotta research.”
“Research what? Spike - what the hell is going on?”
Spike stands up, grabs a handful of comforter and starts to pull.
“Hey! Stop it, Spike, I’m…” The comforter disappears and Xander’s heart stops for the second time that morning. He pushes the last word through a tight throat. “Pregnant.”
“Have I mentioned that I’m joining a monastic order?” Xander lies sprawled out on the couch, his feet in Spike’s lap, Spike’s thumbs pressing into his arches. “They have those in California, right? Up in the hills somewhere?”
“Think you’re getting confused, mate.” Spike rolls Xander’s toes between his fingers. “Send the unwed mothers off to live with the nuns, not the monks.”
“I am not an unwed mother,” Xander says.
“Don’t see a ring on your finger.”
“That’s right, Spike, go ahead, quibble with the pregnant guy. I dare ya.” Spike pauses in his massaging to give Xander a look. Xander sends his own look right back, along with a threat. “Stop again and I will stake you dead, buddy.”
Spike resumes rubbing, keeps one hand going strong as he picks the ringing phone up off the side table, tucks the phone under between his shoulder and ear and puts the other hand back to work. “Give me something good, Angel,” he says.
He listens for a moment. “Yeah, well try harder, then.” He listens again. “Oh, right, and how exactly are we supposed to do that, mate?” Another pause, then a snort. “They’re medical professionals. I reckon they’ll notice the twig ’n’ giggle berries.” Eye-rolling. “Fine, you do that.” Spike hangs up the phone.
“Whole lot of nothing?” Xander asks.
Spike shrugs. “More or less.”
“Anyway, like I was saying - monastery. As soon as you guys get this thing out of me, I’m joining up. I mean, I talk to a guy, I get mystical syphilis. I kiss a guy, skull-splitting visions. I sleep with a guy and, bam, all knocked up. I’d say the vow of celibacy is way overdue.”
About an hour later, Angel and Wes arrive with the portable ultrasound equipment and a medical text book.
Wesley bustles around, plugging things in and flipping switches. “Right, so we just put this here, and that in there, and then we flip this…” Wesley approaches the couch and pushes up Xander’s shirt. “Pardon me,” he says. “Now this may be a bit cold…”
The screen is facing away from Xander, but the look on Wesley’s face as his eyes flicker between the screen and the textbook is not reassuring.
“Wesley, what do you see?”
Wesley just shakes his head and keeps his lips sealed.
“Don’t fuck with me, Wes,” Xander begins, but then he sees Spike’s eyes widen.
Spike looks over at Angel. “Are you hearing what I’m hearing?”
Angel nods.
“What?” Xander cries. “What are you hearing?”
“Stay calm, Xander,” Angel says. “It’s just the heartbeats.”
“Heartbeats? Heart. Beats? Plural?”
“Relax, Xander,” Wesley says. “I’m sure everything’s going to be-”
“Don’t tell me to relax!” Xander grabs Spike by the shirt collar and yanks him down until they’re face to face. “How. Many?”
Spike swallows. “Five…maybe six.”
Xander lets go. “Thank you, Spike.” He looks from Spike to Angel to Wesley. “Now,” he says calmly, “was that so hard?”
Wesley’s hands shake a bit as he unplugs the ultrasound. “I should, uh, return this and get back to my research.”
“And I need to find Matt,” Angel says. “I’m afraid, Xander, that your friends might also be in danger.”
Spike steps toward Angel. “Sounds like a tough job,” he says, reaching for his duster. “I’ll help you look.”
But Angel shakes his head. “I need you to stay here with Xander.”
The muttered exchange that ensues is too low for Xander to hear, but in the end Spike sets his coat back down and Angel follows Wes and the ultrasound machine out the door.
“Come over here.” Xander’s voice is soft.
Spike slowly approaches the couch.
“Sit down.”
Spike sits down on the edge of the cushion next to Xander’s hip. Xander reaches up and cups the back on Spike’s head, gently guiding it down so that his ear rests against Xander’s belly.
“You can hear them, right?”
Spike nods.
“Good,” Xander says. “Tell me, do they sound…healthy?”
Xander’s halfway to Nap Land on the wings of the world’s best foot massage when the pain hits. His back arches off the couch as he screams.
The look on Spike’s face lies somewhere in the Bermuda triangle of worry, fear and anger. He grabs hold of Xander’s hand and squeezes. “It’s all gonna to work out,” he says. “You’ll see. Everything’s going to be just fine.”
Xander smiles and pats their clenched hands with his free one. “I know it will be.”
Spike’s look drifts in the direction of fear. His eyes dart toward the phone as he stands up and covers Xander with a blanket. “Just relax, get comfortable - well, as comfortable as you can at any rate - and should you need anything, anything at all, I’ll just...”
Xander frowns at him. “You’re afraid.”
“What?”
“You’re afraid of what’s inside of me. You think it’s horrible. You want to get rid of it. Of them.”
“Thought you wanted rid of them, pet. Were gonna join the order, yeah? Take a vow of celibacy?”
Xander strokes a hand over his own belly, feeling the movements against his hand. “You were wrong,” he tells Spike. “There are seven of them. There are seven of his children growing inside of me. They’re talking to me. They’re talking all at once.” He leans his head closer to his belly to tell them, “I can’t understand.”
“Right, um, well, I’m just gonna talk to Angel for a mo’ so you just sit tight and I’ll be right-”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” Xander whispers.
Spike pauses on the way out of the room, phone in hand. “What’s that?”
“You don’t know what it’s like to be a partner in creation.”
“Reckon I don’t.”
“They’re not human.”
“Reckon they’re not.”
“But, I mean...that could be okay, right? I mean, you and Angel aren’t human. And Doyle, he wasn’t either...”
“Shh,” Spike says. “Back in a mo’.”
Xander sighs, sinking back into the couch and closing his eyes as Spike disappears down the hall.
Then he gets hungry.
When Spike emerges from the bedroom, he finds Xander standing in front of the fridge, drinking blood.
“What?” Xander says. “I was hungry.”
After that, he can feel Spike watching him. He can tell Spike doesn’t understand. Can’t understand. How could a dead thing ever know what it’s like to bring life?
When the time comes, Xander does what he has to do.
He leaves an unconscious Spike lying on the floor and heads for the warehouse.
When he gets there, he joins Travis, Nico and the others. They exchange serene smiles, dress in their white robes and head for the pool.
“Xander!”
Xander looks up and sees Spike and Wesley charging towards him. Wesley stands at the edge of the pool and looks down. “Come out of there this instant!” he demands. “All of you please!”
“We don’t expect you to understand,” Xander says.
“What I understand,” Wesley says, crouching down beside Xander, “is that you’ll die unless you come with us.” He wrinkles his nose and turns slightly green. “And that this is the most vile smelling filth I’ve ever had the displeasure of inhaling.”
Spike steps forward. “Don’t make me come in there after you, Harris.”
“We serve our master,” Xander says.
Spike growls and vamps. “Oh, I’ll show you a master…”
He lunges forward as Wesley recoils.
Suddenly the ground begins to shake with thundering footsteps as the father of Xander’s progeny emerges through a hole in the wall. “Who is the interloper to think you could disturb the birth of my children? Who are you?”
“William the Bloody,” Spike says.
Wesley stands up. “Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, rogue demon hunter.” He puts up his fists. “And I’m here to fight you, sir, to the death. Preferably yours.”
Spike rolls his eyes. “Oh, please.” He looks up at the great and powerful demon. “By the time this one gets around to meeting you for pistols at dawn, I’ll already have kicked your ass.”
“You?” It’s not clear which one of them Xander’s lord and master is laughing at, but it is clear that he’s laughing. Hard. “You said you came here to do battle, then let’s fight and be done.”
Wesley looks around then slowly inches around the edge of the pool, getting closer to the Xander’s partner in creation. “Yes, well, as a point of courtesy,” he says, “I like to get to know my opponents before I engage them in mortal combat. Do you…ah…do you have any hobbies?”
“Enough talk,” roars Xander’s baby-daddy. “I’ll come to you.”
But before can reach Spike and Wesley, Angel appears, rolling a metal tank labeled ‘liquid nitrogen’ into the warehouse. “Sorry I’m late to the baby shower,” he says. “Brought a little gift.”
He picks up the tank, spins around like a discus thrower and tosses it to Xander’s eternal mate, who catches it easily out of the air. Before Xander can think to stop him, Wesley draws a gun and shoots a hole in the tank. Liquid nitrogen shoots out of the hole, blasting Xander’s demon lover, who screams through the fog.
Xander and the others join in his scream as their bellies slowly deflate.
By the time they stop screaming, the demon who made Xander his bitch is nothing but a big ugly popsicle. Xander drips with goo as he steps out of the pool and walks toward it.
“Allow me,” he says, grabbing a big metal pulley hanging from the warehouse ceiling and letting it fly. The frozen body shatters on contact. Xander shakes his head. “This shit has got to stop.”
Which brings us to this week.
And explains why there have been no chapters and why I'm still ridiculously behind on my comment-answering.
To tell the truth, I'm fairly amazed this chapter exists right now. I wrote about 70% of it today.
Thank you all for your patience.
Just under 4000 words here, quite unbeta'd. If typos are spotted, please point them out.
Title: So Crazy it Just Might Work
Chapter: Twelve - "Expecting"
Pairing: Angel, Xander, Wesley, Spike; Spike/Xander
Rating: Mature
Disclaimer: Probably not what Joss envisioned. Some bits of dialogue have been stolen from AtS s1 "Expecting."
Thanks: To reremouse and cordelianne for their support.
Summary: A slashier version of the first season of AtS in which Angel teams up with Xander instead of Cordelia (but not in a sexual way).
Part One: "City Of..."
Part Two: "Lonely Hearts"
Part Three: "In the Dark"
Part Four: "I Fall to Pieces"
Part Five: "Rm w/ a Vu"
Part Six: "Sense and Sensitivity"
Part Seven: "Bachelor Party"
Part Eight A: "Pangs"
Part Eight B: "I Will Remember You"
Part Nine: "Hero"
Part Ten: "Parting Gifts"
Part Eleven: "Somnambulist"
Xander stands in the front office and studies his reflection in one of the windows, reaching up to run two sets of fingers through his hair.
And again.
Reasonably satisfied, he turns to check the time…
And almost has a heart attack.
“A bell,” he tells Angel after catching his breath. “First thing in the morning, I am going out and buying you a bell.”
“Just wanted to check on a file,” Angel says, holding up the item in question.
“Ever hear of whistling while you work?” Xander purses his lips and offers a seven-note example.
Angel doesn’t look impressed.
“Oh, come on,” Xander says. “It was good enough for Sleepy, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful and Doc. You could be Broody. You’d fit right in.”
“Too tall,” Angel says.
Xander stares and blinks. That Angel actually got the reference gives him the wig. He moves on. “So…” he glances back at his reflection, “how do I look?”
And now it’s Angel’s turn to make with the staring and blinking. “Please don’t make me answer that.”
Hearing the office door open behind him, Xander looks past Angel to finish checking the time. Yep, just past sunset. “Sorry, Spike,” he calls without turning, “no evil tonight.”
“Hello,” the voice from the doorway says at the same time. “I was just in the neighborhood, patrolling with my new Bavarian fighting axe…”
“Still Happy Hour at Sidestreet, though,” Xander continues. “If you hurry.”
“…when I suddenly thought ‘perhaps Xander has had a vision’, perhaps you need my help in…”
Xander turns to see Wesley walking into the office. “Oh hey, Wes. Sorry, I thought you were Spike.”
Wesley frowns. “I daresay no one’s ever made that particular mistake before.”
“Mistake making is an art form,” Xander says. “I’m very innovative.”
“Yes, well, I just thought I’d stop by and see if you needed any… Wait a moment, did you say ‘no evil’?”
Angel shrugs. “We seem to be evil free at the moment.”
Wesley looks disappointed for a moment, but then brightens. “Well,” he says, “I also packed along a ‘Word Puzzle 3-D’ if either of you has the nerve to take me on.”
Xander manages to hold back his eye roll. “Sorry, Wes, it…uh…sounds fun and all, but I’ve already got plans.”
“And anyone with two eyes can see what those plans are.”
Xander, Wesley and Angel turn toward to door to find a leering Spike.
“Hey!” Xander objects. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Spike gives him a second once-over, taking in the tight tee shirt and ass-hugging jeans, lifts an eyebrow. “Means you look positively edible tonight, pet.”
Xander smiles, then turns to Angel. “See? That wasn’t so hard.”
“You wanted me to tell you you looked edible?”
Xander reconsiders. “Okay, yeah, no, not so much.”
“Right.” Spike claps his hands together. “So, Angel - Harris’s got his ‘plans’ - guess that leaves you and me. Ready to go fight some evil?”
Angel actually looks reluctant to break the news.
However, Wesley - visibly bristling over having been overlooked - is not. “I’m afraid they’re fresh out,” he says.
“What’s that?” Spike asks.
“Evil,” Wesley clarifies. “There isn’t any. Unless of course you’d like us to stake you. I’m sure Angel and I could be persuaded.”
Spike studies Wesley for a moment, then laughs. “You know, I think I like you, Watcher Boy.” He nods toward the weapon in Wes’s hand. “Nice axe, by the way.”
Wesley blushes. “Thanks, I…uh…you know,” he swings the axe around in what’s probably supposed to pass as a casual manner, “just happened to have it lying…” The blade goes slicing into the wall behind him and sticks “…around.”
Xander and Angel exchange a look, but before Xander can comment, he hears someone at the door again. He snags his jacket from a nearby chair and takes a quick step in that direction as his friends walk in.
“We’re late,” Travis says. “Nico practically had to have phone sex with the caterer’s assistant to get him to sneak us in.”
“You’re sneaking into a party?” Wes and Spike ask at the same time.
Wesley looks horrified.
Spike looks proud.
Angel looks vaguely stunned by the sudden presence of multiple strangers.
“Thank god for Nico’s accent,” Travis continues. “We’re totally in, but we need to go now. Right, Nico?” Travis looks over his right shoulder for Nico’s confirmation, but Nico’s attention is otherwise occupied. Travis follows Nico’s gaze. “Or, you know, we could hang out here for awhile. Enjoy the scenery.”
Xander shakes his head. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”
“Xander,” Nico says. “Don’t you think you should introduce us to your friends?”
“Let’s call them coworkers,” Xander says. “And, no.”
“Aw, come on, Xand.” Travis steps closer to Angel, who takes a step back. “Don’t be selfish.”
“Believe me when I say I have only your best interests in mind.”
“Xander…”
“Okay, fine. Travis, Nico - meet Angel, Wesley and Spike. Happy? Good. Let’s go.”
“Could change our plans,” Travis says. “Three of us, three of them. Plenty enough for a little party of our own.”
Xander hears Spike drawing in breath to speak and pins him with a glare, his own voice firm. “They’re not interested.”
Spike just smirks. “What’s wrong, pet? Ashamed of us?”
“Yes,” Xander says. He spots his wallet still sitting on his desk and moves toward it. “Yes, I-”
The pain stabs through his skull and his hand flies to his forehead as he drops to his knees behind the desk.
Beyond the haze of the vision he hears something fall to the ground next to him and Angel’s voice saying, “Ah, Xander, grab that file, will you? Sorry.”
He can hear Wesley muttering something from the floor beside him and Spike chatting Travis and Nico up about the party.
“I could get you in,” he hears Nico tell Spike.
“Sorry, mate, just got a better offer.”
The vision fading, Xander can hear the renewed impatience in Travis’s voice loud and clear. “Xand, tick, tock.”
Xander grabs the edge of the desk and pulls himself back to his feet, grabbing his wallet with a shaky hand and slipping it into his back pocket.
Angel clears his throat. “So, that client I’m supposed to be meeting tonight, what’s he like again?”
Some things really don’t lend themselves to subtle euphemism. “Like a big baby hatching from a big egg with really large hands and ugly fingernails.” Xander writes down the address he saw and hands the paper to Angel. “You’re meeting him here.” He heads for Travis and Nico, now hovering by the door. “Oh, so now you guys are ready to go.”
“Your coworkers,” Nico says as the office door closes behind them. “They are a bit strange.”
Xander rolls his eyes. “You don’t know the half of it.”
“Hot, though,” Travis says, not lowering his voice nearly enough to elude vampire hearing. “I mean for a body like that Angel guy’s, I could overlook a few-”
Xander slaps him upside the head as they start down the stairs.
As they slip out of the kitchen and into the party, Xander flashes back on his previous job and has to remind himself that he is not supposed to be carrying a tray.
Or scouting for evil.
But he can still feel a vague throb about his temples leftover from the vision and figures he’s had enough white hatitude for one evening.
They make their way to the bar, then survey the room, drinks in hand.
“Two o’clock,” Travis says. Xander and Nico look in that direction.
“Out of our league,” Xander says.
“This whole party is out of our league,” Travis says. “That’s why we didn’t come in the front door.”
“Point,” Xander says.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” Travis asks. “Not like we haven’t been turned down before - by guys actually in our league.”
“Actually, I’m thinking we could get tossed out into the street by those bodyguards over there,” Xander says. Travis and Nico follow his gaze to the two buff men in black standing on either side of the main entrance, bulging arms crossed over equally bulging chests. “And suddenly the manhandling? Not sounding so bad.”
“I wouldn’t mind,” Nico says.
“Down, boy,” Travis says. “We can get ourselves kicked out later. Right now, let’s focus. Target acquired - two o’clock.
“Three of us, three of them,” Nico notes, repeating Travis’s earlier words.
This time around, Xander likes that math. “I call the blond,” he says.
Ten minutes later, Xander is calling the blond Matt and sitting next to him on a couch and they’re actually talking. And not just discussing where and how soon they can fuck, either - a real, bona fide conversation.
“So you grew up in Sunnydale. That’s a pretty small town, right? Must have been tough.”
“I won’t say it didn’t try to kill me once or twice.”
Matt laughs. “But you survived.”
“I had tough friends.”
“Tough friends,” Matt repeats. “Why do I get the feeling you’re selling yourself short here?”
“Because you’ve never met my friends?” Xander quips. “Seriously, my friend Buffy? Could totally kick your ass.”
Matt laughs and Xander smiles like he was actually joking.
“Still, you came here. On your own. And that’s something. L.A. is not for the faint of heart.”
Xander shrugs. “Well, you know what they say about the fools and the rushing in? Let’s just say it’s my signature move.”
“Some people might call that bravery.”
“Only the ones who can’t hear me muttering ‘Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit’ in my head.”
Matt laughs again. “Thank you,” he says.
“For what?”
“For making tonight fun. You have no idea how dull these parties can get.”
“You’re right - I really don’t.” Xander lowers his voice. “We snuck in.”
“Really?” Matt laughs some more. “And here I’ve spent the last hour trying to figure out how to sneak out. Well, before the last fifteen minutes anyway.”
“You can’t just leave?”
“Are you kidding? Tripp watches the door like a hawk. It’s not even midnight. If I left now, I’d never hear the end of it.”
“What about the kitchens?” Xander asks.
“What about them?”
“Is Tripp watching those doors?”
Matt grins. “He probably doesn’t even know where they are.”
Xander grins back. “Well, lucky for you, I do. Come on. Let’s get out of here.”
For some reason when Matt suggests going back to Xander’s place, Xander breaks policy and doesn’t say no.
“I do have a roommate,” he warns as they walk from the car to the door. “But he should be out. He tends to come rolling in just before dawn.”
“Creature of the night, eh?”
“That’s a romantic way of looking at it.” See also: bloodsucking fiend. Xander unlocks the door and sticks his head into the apartment. The lights and the TV are both off. “Yep, he’s still out.”
“Mind if I come in, then?”
Xander’s not about to answer that one. Instead, he reachs up and grabs hold of Matt’s shirt, pulling him in for a kiss before dragging him - invite free - right across the threshold.
When they break apart, Xander closes and locks the front door, then turns the lights on to dim.
Matt looks around. “Nice. I’m glad we have the place to ourselves.”
Suddenly, the lights go bright.
Xander goes back to the switch and turns them down again. “Yeah, as long as you don’t mind my ghost.”
Matt laughs. “I lived in an old building once. They can be quirky.”
“Yeah, well if they know what’s good for them, they’re gonna wanna be a little less quirky starting pretty much right now.” Xander turns on the radio, but the mellow eletronica that starts out is quickly replaced by something with at least three accordions.
“That’s some jaunty Polka,” Matt says.
“Did I mention that my ghost can be a little judgmental?”
“He doesn’t like me?”
“He doesn’t know you,” Xander says. “And he doesn’t get a vote. Also - he lives in the living room.”
“Then I guess we’ll just have to get out of his way,” Matt says.
Xander starts down the hall, smiling back over his shoulder. “I like the way you think.”
When Xander wakes up and opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Spike’s face.
Which is about four feet from Xander’s face.
And staring down at it.
Xander almost has a heart attack.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Spike! What the hell are you doing?”
“Waiting for you to wake up.”
“Waiting for me…? Are you insane? Where’s Matt?”
“That bloke you shagged last night?”
“No, Spike, Matt my pet turtle,” Xander growls. “Yes, the bloke I shagged last night! You better not have scared him away.”
“Nope,” Spike says. “Scampered off all on his own a few hours ago.”
“Great.” Xander sighs. “A few hours? What time is it?”
“Quarter of eleven,” Spike says. “So, you two have a good time last night?”
“None of your business. Now get out so I can get ready for work.”
“Don’t think you’re going to work today. Didn’t they teach you about condoms in that school of yours?”
“Well, actually, they liked to highlight abstinence, but… What the hell are you talking about?”
“Safe sex,” Spike says.
“Okay, screw what - let’s go with why. As in, why are you here in my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed and waiting for me to wake up so you can talk to me about safe sex?”
“Figured someone ought to.” Spike looks thoughtful. “Though it’s a bit like closing the barn door after the cow’s gotten out, yeah?”
“I know about safe sex, Spike, okay? So why don’t you get out now? I really have to pee and get to work.”
“Angel’s on his way here.”
“Why? So he can take over for you and explain where babies come from?”
“Actually, we’re hoping Watcher Boy can take care of that one.”
“Wesley’s coming, too?”
“Hasn’t got time. He’s gotta research.”
“Research what? Spike - what the hell is going on?”
Spike stands up, grabs a handful of comforter and starts to pull.
“Hey! Stop it, Spike, I’m…” The comforter disappears and Xander’s heart stops for the second time that morning. He pushes the last word through a tight throat. “Pregnant.”
“Have I mentioned that I’m joining a monastic order?” Xander lies sprawled out on the couch, his feet in Spike’s lap, Spike’s thumbs pressing into his arches. “They have those in California, right? Up in the hills somewhere?”
“Think you’re getting confused, mate.” Spike rolls Xander’s toes between his fingers. “Send the unwed mothers off to live with the nuns, not the monks.”
“I am not an unwed mother,” Xander says.
“Don’t see a ring on your finger.”
“That’s right, Spike, go ahead, quibble with the pregnant guy. I dare ya.” Spike pauses in his massaging to give Xander a look. Xander sends his own look right back, along with a threat. “Stop again and I will stake you dead, buddy.”
Spike resumes rubbing, keeps one hand going strong as he picks the ringing phone up off the side table, tucks the phone under between his shoulder and ear and puts the other hand back to work. “Give me something good, Angel,” he says.
He listens for a moment. “Yeah, well try harder, then.” He listens again. “Oh, right, and how exactly are we supposed to do that, mate?” Another pause, then a snort. “They’re medical professionals. I reckon they’ll notice the twig ’n’ giggle berries.” Eye-rolling. “Fine, you do that.” Spike hangs up the phone.
“Whole lot of nothing?” Xander asks.
Spike shrugs. “More or less.”
“Anyway, like I was saying - monastery. As soon as you guys get this thing out of me, I’m joining up. I mean, I talk to a guy, I get mystical syphilis. I kiss a guy, skull-splitting visions. I sleep with a guy and, bam, all knocked up. I’d say the vow of celibacy is way overdue.”
About an hour later, Angel and Wes arrive with the portable ultrasound equipment and a medical text book.
Wesley bustles around, plugging things in and flipping switches. “Right, so we just put this here, and that in there, and then we flip this…” Wesley approaches the couch and pushes up Xander’s shirt. “Pardon me,” he says. “Now this may be a bit cold…”
The screen is facing away from Xander, but the look on Wesley’s face as his eyes flicker between the screen and the textbook is not reassuring.
“Wesley, what do you see?”
Wesley just shakes his head and keeps his lips sealed.
“Don’t fuck with me, Wes,” Xander begins, but then he sees Spike’s eyes widen.
Spike looks over at Angel. “Are you hearing what I’m hearing?”
Angel nods.
“What?” Xander cries. “What are you hearing?”
“Stay calm, Xander,” Angel says. “It’s just the heartbeats.”
“Heartbeats? Heart. Beats? Plural?”
“Relax, Xander,” Wesley says. “I’m sure everything’s going to be-”
“Don’t tell me to relax!” Xander grabs Spike by the shirt collar and yanks him down until they’re face to face. “How. Many?”
Spike swallows. “Five…maybe six.”
Xander lets go. “Thank you, Spike.” He looks from Spike to Angel to Wesley. “Now,” he says calmly, “was that so hard?”
Wesley’s hands shake a bit as he unplugs the ultrasound. “I should, uh, return this and get back to my research.”
“And I need to find Matt,” Angel says. “I’m afraid, Xander, that your friends might also be in danger.”
Spike steps toward Angel. “Sounds like a tough job,” he says, reaching for his duster. “I’ll help you look.”
But Angel shakes his head. “I need you to stay here with Xander.”
The muttered exchange that ensues is too low for Xander to hear, but in the end Spike sets his coat back down and Angel follows Wes and the ultrasound machine out the door.
“Come over here.” Xander’s voice is soft.
Spike slowly approaches the couch.
“Sit down.”
Spike sits down on the edge of the cushion next to Xander’s hip. Xander reaches up and cups the back on Spike’s head, gently guiding it down so that his ear rests against Xander’s belly.
“You can hear them, right?”
Spike nods.
“Good,” Xander says. “Tell me, do they sound…healthy?”
Xander’s halfway to Nap Land on the wings of the world’s best foot massage when the pain hits. His back arches off the couch as he screams.
The look on Spike’s face lies somewhere in the Bermuda triangle of worry, fear and anger. He grabs hold of Xander’s hand and squeezes. “It’s all gonna to work out,” he says. “You’ll see. Everything’s going to be just fine.”
Xander smiles and pats their clenched hands with his free one. “I know it will be.”
Spike’s look drifts in the direction of fear. His eyes dart toward the phone as he stands up and covers Xander with a blanket. “Just relax, get comfortable - well, as comfortable as you can at any rate - and should you need anything, anything at all, I’ll just...”
Xander frowns at him. “You’re afraid.”
“What?”
“You’re afraid of what’s inside of me. You think it’s horrible. You want to get rid of it. Of them.”
“Thought you wanted rid of them, pet. Were gonna join the order, yeah? Take a vow of celibacy?”
Xander strokes a hand over his own belly, feeling the movements against his hand. “You were wrong,” he tells Spike. “There are seven of them. There are seven of his children growing inside of me. They’re talking to me. They’re talking all at once.” He leans his head closer to his belly to tell them, “I can’t understand.”
“Right, um, well, I’m just gonna talk to Angel for a mo’ so you just sit tight and I’ll be right-”
“You don’t know what it’s like,” Xander whispers.
Spike pauses on the way out of the room, phone in hand. “What’s that?”
“You don’t know what it’s like to be a partner in creation.”
“Reckon I don’t.”
“They’re not human.”
“Reckon they’re not.”
“But, I mean...that could be okay, right? I mean, you and Angel aren’t human. And Doyle, he wasn’t either...”
“Shh,” Spike says. “Back in a mo’.”
Xander sighs, sinking back into the couch and closing his eyes as Spike disappears down the hall.
Then he gets hungry.
When Spike emerges from the bedroom, he finds Xander standing in front of the fridge, drinking blood.
“What?” Xander says. “I was hungry.”
After that, he can feel Spike watching him. He can tell Spike doesn’t understand. Can’t understand. How could a dead thing ever know what it’s like to bring life?
When the time comes, Xander does what he has to do.
He leaves an unconscious Spike lying on the floor and heads for the warehouse.
When he gets there, he joins Travis, Nico and the others. They exchange serene smiles, dress in their white robes and head for the pool.
“Xander!”
Xander looks up and sees Spike and Wesley charging towards him. Wesley stands at the edge of the pool and looks down. “Come out of there this instant!” he demands. “All of you please!”
“We don’t expect you to understand,” Xander says.
“What I understand,” Wesley says, crouching down beside Xander, “is that you’ll die unless you come with us.” He wrinkles his nose and turns slightly green. “And that this is the most vile smelling filth I’ve ever had the displeasure of inhaling.”
Spike steps forward. “Don’t make me come in there after you, Harris.”
“We serve our master,” Xander says.
Spike growls and vamps. “Oh, I’ll show you a master…”
He lunges forward as Wesley recoils.
Suddenly the ground begins to shake with thundering footsteps as the father of Xander’s progeny emerges through a hole in the wall. “Who is the interloper to think you could disturb the birth of my children? Who are you?”
“William the Bloody,” Spike says.
Wesley stands up. “Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, rogue demon hunter.” He puts up his fists. “And I’m here to fight you, sir, to the death. Preferably yours.”
Spike rolls his eyes. “Oh, please.” He looks up at the great and powerful demon. “By the time this one gets around to meeting you for pistols at dawn, I’ll already have kicked your ass.”
“You?” It’s not clear which one of them Xander’s lord and master is laughing at, but it is clear that he’s laughing. Hard. “You said you came here to do battle, then let’s fight and be done.”
Wesley looks around then slowly inches around the edge of the pool, getting closer to the Xander’s partner in creation. “Yes, well, as a point of courtesy,” he says, “I like to get to know my opponents before I engage them in mortal combat. Do you…ah…do you have any hobbies?”
“Enough talk,” roars Xander’s baby-daddy. “I’ll come to you.”
But before can reach Spike and Wesley, Angel appears, rolling a metal tank labeled ‘liquid nitrogen’ into the warehouse. “Sorry I’m late to the baby shower,” he says. “Brought a little gift.”
He picks up the tank, spins around like a discus thrower and tosses it to Xander’s eternal mate, who catches it easily out of the air. Before Xander can think to stop him, Wesley draws a gun and shoots a hole in the tank. Liquid nitrogen shoots out of the hole, blasting Xander’s demon lover, who screams through the fog.
Xander and the others join in his scream as their bellies slowly deflate.
By the time they stop screaming, the demon who made Xander his bitch is nothing but a big ugly popsicle. Xander drips with goo as he steps out of the pool and walks toward it.
“Allow me,” he says, grabbing a big metal pulley hanging from the warehouse ceiling and letting it fly. The frozen body shatters on contact. Xander shakes his head. “This shit has got to stop.”