Fic: Adventures in Duckwatching (1/2)
Title: Adventures in Duckwatching
Author: saucydiva
Word count: 5K (what the duck)
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I'm going to go ahead and claim I own this
Summary: fandom road trip rpf. Wait, what?
Author’s Note: ryeloza had a post about #duck watch 2013 in Pittsburgh, and princess_george suggested that while she personally couldn’t go visit the duck, everyone else should. That, naturally, spiraled into this.
I think I managed to incorporate every suggestion someone threw at me, but then, that’s probably why this was 5K. Also, because every time I was certain I’d added in everyone, someone else asked to be included.
Just to make this clear: everyone who appears in this either opted in on one of my tumblr posts about it this weekend, or has given me prior permission to write fandom rpf about them. I wouldn’t write about a fandom person without their permission. Likewise, I tried to make sure I used the names that made people comfortable. Also. This is just for fun, and while I tried to use my best judgement (plus tumblr, lj, and occasionally in-person meetups) about how to portray the people in this, I want to remind everyone that I may have gotten it wrong.
Also, all the duck pictures are borrowed with permission from the tumblr/lj of ryeloza.
Dramatis Personae
(in order of appearance) (I think, I’m not double-checking this)
Saucydiva- Diaphenia, Chicagoan, in charge of the narrative both figuratively and literally.
Emilyla- Emily, Chicagoan, has gathered a Bride and a Dog and plans to take over the world with both
throwingpens- Amber, Chicagoan. Lover of Wendy Davis, reading things out loud, and Joe Biden
Bride of Emily, spouse of Emily
Courtknees1-Courtney, Australian who failed to use the world “crikey”, world traveler, hot redhead
missnumbat, Australian, unicyclist, dog-lover, tea-lover. Has her own office; is better at her career than you
whimsical_irony-Elle, Californian. Shippable with both Kate Beckett and Joan Watson. Known to be a bit of a hipster. Once thought Chicago was on the East coast
craponaspatula-Andie, Californian. Makes delicious scones, wears awesome shoes, probably talking about her fandoms in front of her students
princess_george-Georgie, Canadian. Has seen everything, and is willing to share details. No longer bakes.
beetsbearsbsg-Bri, Californian. Loves her dog, music, and gifs. Currently at war with spoilers
ratherdance-M, Netherlander. Displaced Spaniard. Likes feta for some reason, American television, and double rainbows.
stiffleaves-herbalsmoothie, Netherlander. Speaks several languages, loves red wine and biking. Apparently has a butler.
sullen_aquarian-Laura, California. Cheers for the Chargers, I think. Likes driving into chairs, and going on fabulous cruises without us
ballroom_pink-Emily, downstate Illinoisan. Different person than first Emily. Makes jam, while jamming out to mix tapes.
stars_inthe_sky-Allison, Bostonian. Political wonk. Met Rob Lowe for work; her job is better than your job. Allison/boyfriend OTP.
scullyseviltwin-Leslie, Bostonian. In approximately every wedding ever. Has written novels worth of fan fic. Likes sports, even baseball. Especially baseball.
Ryeloza, Pittsburger. Loves giant ducks, changing one's fortunes through sheer tenacity, and crocheting, recently.
Ashisfriendly- Ashley, Californian. Writing a novel, in between shaping the minds of the next generation and trying to make the next generation with her husband.
yumytaffy- Roda, Californian. Bored by celebrities, but still gets excited over washboard abs. Once watched a video of the Grand Canyon while next to the Grand Canyon.
Diaphenia sighed as Emily made her final checks on her checklist checklist, checking off check all lists at the end. “You realize this behavior isn’t normal, right? Lists are just not a thing.”
“Like Saturday Night Live?” Amber asked, rolling her eyes.
“What?” Diaphenia asked.
“I’m sorry, but if you were in charge of planning everything, we’d have no bus and we’d end up somewhere in Montana,” Emily said, triple-checking her checklists and glaring.
Diaphenia and Amber both stared momentarily. “That was awesome,” Diaphenia said. “I mean, you apologized, so I should probably hit you in the arm, but still. Awesomely mean.”
“This is our doing,” Amber said, pulling out a bag of potato chips.
“I’m sorry,” Emily said, and she winced a moment later when Diaphenia made good on her promise.
Bride of Emily came out to help the girls load in their bags. “Lana’s going to miss you,” he said.
“Lana’s hungry for your flesh,” Diaphenia said, glancing around in case saying the dog’s name brought her to their feet.
The Bride laughed. “You realize that, in taking my wife away from me, you are giving me free rein to play the bass and watch football 24/7, right?”
“Better when I’m not here,” Emily said, giving him a goodbye kiss. “Try to go to work too.”
“Football is gross because I don’t understand it,” Diaphenia said, and Emily nodded.
Bride shared a look of exasperation with Amber, who started discussing the Bears with him in long, boring, incomprehensible detail, driving the other two women to hightail it onto the bus.
“Great job getting them on there,” Bride said, high-fiving Amber, who grinned as she hopped on.
O’Hare was, as ever, crowded. Emily had never driven a bus before, and the combination of O’Hare’s twisty roads, terrible signage, and the handling of the bus was wearing on her nerves. It didn’t help that Diaphenia was singing along with the radio and Amber was watching what sounded like it might be The West Wing on her laptop. Plus, she’s spent so long on the checklists that they were only twenty-five minutes early rather than thirty, and that was making her anxieties flare.
Not to mention the nightmare that was trying to park the thing. Amber got out and tried to help direct her into the spot, which Diaphenia stole Amber’s chips and played with her phone, occasionally offering unhelpful advice like it’s not greedy to take two spots as long as you don’t take the last one. When Emily wrote her book on how to be a person, she was going to shame her friend on her parking behavior, but for now, all she could do was tune her out.
By the time they got to the gate, welcome poster in hand, the Australians already had their luggage. They were hard to find, because a small crowd of Americans had gathered around them, listening to their accents and generally trying to get in their pants.
Courtney was in the middle of her story, “And the second weirdo I acquired on OK Cupid was, would you guess, an actual clown-” when she saw the three Great Lakes goddesses. She stopped her story mid-sentence, and ran over to them, throwing arms around them. Her crowd of admirers, disappointed, started to disperse.
Meanwhile, missnumbat gathered her things and dragged them over to the girls. Courtney took a moment to officially do the introductions.
“Do you have your unicycle?” Diaphenia asked, her eyes wide.
“What?” missnumbat asked.
“Nothing.”
“Are we stopping for food?” Amber asked.
“We literally just left home an hour ago, and you’ve been eating the entire time,” Emily said.
“We both just got off a plane,” missnumbat said. “Have you eaten plane food recently?”
“I haven’t slept in approximately twenty four hours,” Courtney said. “I’ll be passing out three minutes after boarding that bus.”
“That will get in the way of the group singalong,” Diaphenia said, holding up a CD marked Ke$ha’s greatest hits.
“Try not to sing too loudly,” Courtney said.
“Are we going to get a tea?” missnumbat asked.
“I brought Lipton,” Amber said.
“I didn’t sign up for this,” missnumbat said.
One trip to Dennys and quick stop off at DAVIDsTea later, and the five of them were back on the road.
Courtney yawned as they passed Holiday Inns and McDonalds. She couldn’t get to sleep, despite her exhaustion. Diaphenia had forgone the sing-along, but was on the phone, talking way louder than someone should.
“What do you mean, you’re in Chicago? We’re not... no, we already left. Wait, what airport... Are you kidding? You know that’s the East... do you even know where Chicago is? No, sit tight. We’ll be there in, oh, twenty four hours or so. Just, don’t move.” She hung up as the tv characters did, without saying goodbye.
“Everyone,” she said dramatically. The other three were deep in conversation, talking about politics, ignored her, to her visible frustration. She brought it up a decibel, announcing, “Elle is in Boston.”
“Is that around here?” missnumbat asked.
“It’s a three hour plane ride,” Courtney answered, fairly certain.
“I just. Chicago is a big city. It’s pretty easy to find on maps,” Diaphenia railed.
“It’s fine, we’ll just go get her,” Emily said soothingly.
“Like you can even read maps,” Amber said.
“I know where Chicago is!”
“Only because you live there!”
“Who’s our next pick up?” Courtney asked, hoping the answer involves a feather mattress and total silence.
“Andie and Georgie, from Detroit,” Emily answered, consulting her list.
“And why didn’t they just fly into Chicago?” Courtney asked.
“Adventure!” Diaphenia said, clapping her hands together.
Courtney just hoped they got to sleep soon.
Andie had gathered her Canadian and was attempting to work her cold weather gear when Courtney popped up.
“I’ve been sent in as the international ambassador to collect you,” she said cheerful, despite the bags under her eyes. “Emily was... struggling to park the bus. Why are you wearing a scarf?”
“It’s cold out here,” Andie said, yanking her enormous bag behind her. “The midwest is cold. I know this.”
“It’s twenty three degrees,” Courtney said, incredulously.
“Huh?” Andie asked, while Georgie nodded, confirming this was practically bathing suit weather.
Georgie and Courtney were soon deep in a conversation about spending one’s twenties travelling when they all found the bus circling the parking lot. Andie had never met Emily before, but she seemed nice enough, if a little nervous, so she put her gloved hand into Emily’s to shake before boarding the idling bus.
There was a flurry of hugs and jostling for seats.
“I think you billabongs should probably take us out for food,” Georgie said, texting her family to let them know she was in America and ready for fun. “And I’m talking about carbs. Just bread on top of rolls wrapped in tortillas covered in noodles.”
“We just ate two hours ago, actually-” Emily started.
“I’m hungry,” Amber said, opening a bag of Oreos.
“I’ve heard of these!” missnumbat said, grabbing a handful.
Andie was appalled. They didn’t even have any milk.
“How about we compromise by going to a bar?” Diaphenia suggested to general agreement.
“We’re on a tight schedule-” Emily said, to Diaphenia’s assurance it would be a quick stop, very quick.
Three hours later, they were still at the bar. Diaphenia and Amber had decided it had been too long since they’d karaoked together, and had commandeered condiment bottles into microphones and the space in front of the DJ into a stage, while they wailed out some country-sounding song.
Georgie was in the corner, fluffing her hair while sitting just a little too close to an attractive man in a suit.
“You’re married,” Andie said, equally delighted and appalled.
“You’re ridiculous,” Georgie said, adding her best tinkly laugh. “Besides, everyone knows my heart belongs-”
“To your husband?” the man said, an easy grin on his face.
“To the giant duck in Pittsburgh,” she said, her face growing serious for a moment. And then she was back into her flirting.
Andie shook her head and went to find more goddesses.
Emily was sitting in the corner with missnumbat, as far away as possible from the make-shift karaokiers. She kept checking her watch and frowning.
But where was Courtney? Andie kept looking for her, but she wasn’t anywhere in the bar, not in the bathrooms, the booths, or the kitchens, though Andie did find a really hot bartender. When she found out he was a bad-boy Mormon, she vowed to never to tell Diaphenia, who would never shut up about it. When he added that he’d once met Ryan Lochte, she vowed to immediately tell Amber. And when she dragged the hot Mormon bartender back to the bus for some quality makeouts, she finally found Courtney, on the bus and fast asleep.
missnumbat had never been to America, but she was fairly certain the route they were taking made no sense. She consulted her travel guide surreptitiously, trying not to ruffle any feathers. Clearly, the route was something of a contentious point among the Americans.
“So if we asked you if you wanted barbeque, you’d call it...?” Bri asked.
“Barbeque,” missnumbat answered. Honestly, did everyone on this side of the world seriously think they talked like bogans? They probably did.
Bri sighed, clearly unsatisfied with this answer. She’d told everyone she wasn’t going on this trip, but they’d found her hitchhiking somewhere in the middle of Indiana, on her way to the duck. No one else seemed surprised by this, but given the number of murders that seemed to happen around here, missnumbat was appalled Bri’d done something so dangerous.
“So we’re picking up M and herbalsmoothie, right?” Amber asked.
“Are you kidding,” Diaphenia said, talking into her phone while banging her head against the side of the bus. “Why did you- I don’t- how are you in South Carolina?” She listened for a while, then hung up. “Elle escaped again,” she announced. “Apparently, she thought Pittsburg was in South Carolina.”
No one seemed particularly surprised.
Suddenly, missnumbat could feel a tingle. There were wombats nearby.
When she tried to explain her powers to the rest of the bus, they seemed unconvinced.
“They aren’t even native to the area,” Emily said. “And you guys know we’re on a tight schedule, right?”
“Wait, is there a zoo nearby?” missnumbat asked.
“Tight schedule,” Emily repeated, but she seemed to know she’d lost.
Six hours later, they were back in the car. Georgie, who’d bought stuffed orangutans for her children, had also purchased one for Bri. She had scoffed when Georgie handed it to her, but she still had the stuffed animal sitting with her on her bus seat.
“I am sorry,” missnumbat apologized. “I really thought there was a wombat nearby.”
“There was a kangaroo. Maybe your calibrations are off,” Amber said.
Emily squeezed the steering wheel a little too hard as she tore out of the parking lot. “Don’t apologize to me, apologize to the two people we’ll be late picking up. Did you know their butler called me three times? I’m going to have to buy him wacky socks to make up for it.”
“Yeah, them having a butler seems a little OOC to me,” Amber said.
“Are you talking like a fan fic reviewer again?” Diaphenia asked. “Because that borders on absurdly meta.”
“You border on absurdly meta,” Amber shot back.
“You know they're both perfectly capable adults. I’m certain they took a cab somewhere fun,” Courtney said.
“Shouldn’t we be going south to get to the airport?” missnumbat asked, which turned out to be a dangerous question.
Amber snuck a peek over at M and herbalsmoothie, who were making out to the fascination of most of the bus, who hadn’t realized they were living together living together. “I really thought they both had boyfriends,” she said. “I’m telling you, this feels out of character.”
Diaphenia glared. “Every time you say that phrase near a fic writer a piece of them dies. Are you trying to kill me, and half this bus?”
“I’m not the one trying to get our driver drunk.”
“Come on, she’s hilarious drunk. Besides, someone else could drive.”
“Half the people on here don’t even drive on the same side of the road as we do.”
“Like Georgie?”
“Do you know anything about Canada?” Amber asked, putting out a hand. “Never mind, let’s get started on makeovers.”
She pulled out her eyeshadow pallet and contemplated Andie’s face, trying to decide if she was more golden brown or brownish gold.
“Wait, I just got a text message,” Andie said, pulling out her phone. “Elle doesn't want Diaphenia to know she’s in Oklahoma and might miss the, I think she meant to say Duckfest.” She looked up, then cringed. “Also, if she ever asks I did not read that out loud.”
Diaphenia growled but said nothing.
Courtney looked up from her laptop and announced, “Ryeloza just posted on tumblr, apparently Michael Fassbender’s going to be at the duck this week. Something about promoting a movie or dishsoap. And he’s-”
Suddenly, Emily’s phone started jangling, playing out a low-quality version of “Bad Romance.” She answered the phone, one hand still carefully on the wheel. “Hello? Yeah. Yeah. I actually had heard. Yeah. Ok, assuming we ever get out of the midwest.” She pushed her phone back in her pocket. “Downstate Emily is coming too.”
“Why’d she change her mind?” Amber asked.
“She just reblogged about a hundred pictures of Michael Fassbender, so I’d say we have an answer,” missnumbat said.
Emily continued. “Anyway. She’s flying in and we’re going to pick her up. Same time we pick up Allison. Which is soon, so we need to drive, and not stop again for a while.”
“We’re getting dinner first, right?” Amber asked.
(Part two)