...Guess. No really, guess.
NOT LIKE THAT
It is late autumn when Rikuoh disappears. Kazahaya finds himself in bed one morning without having been woken up, and when he glances at the clock, it tells him that it is just past noon. He dresses and hurries out into the kitchen. It is bare and empty; there is nothing on the stove, no dishes set for breakfast, no mess of crumbs and instant coffee in the sink. Kazahaya makes some toast and tries not to look at the newspaper lying neatly folded at the door.
When he goes downstairs to the store and Rikuoh isn't there, he apologizes to Kakei for his lateness but doesn't ask any questions as to his whereabouts. It's probably just business. He doesn't want to seem like he's prying.
That day he stocks the shelves as usual. The store smells like medicine and cigarettes; everything is coloured hospital white and green. There is no Rikuoh to darken the brightly-lit aisles with his presence. The high school girls who come to the store to gawk at him are disappointed. They buy nothing, then walk away through the carpet of brown leaves with little pouts and sighs. The other customers are impossibly dull. Saiga doesn't show up; Kakei has no jobs for him.
Before he goes to bed that night, he sets his alarm clock for the first time ever. It doesn't help, he oversleeps anyway.
The next few days pass with no new jobs and no sign of Rikuoh. Outside the air grows chilly, alternately dry and damp. Kazahaya begins wearing a thick jacket when he travels between their - his? - apartment and the grocery store. He stuffs his hands in his pockets to keep warm. He could buy mittens, but money is becoming slightly scarce.
Finally he manages to humble himself and ask Kakei what happened.
"That guy. Did he find it? What he was looking for, I mean?"
"No, I don't think so." Kakei shakes his head. His smile is as mild and inscrutable as always. "We certainly would have heard of it by now, if he had."
"Then where is he?"
Kakei shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know." A customer approaches the register, and he takes their money, then turns back to Kazahaya. "I was thinking of putting an ad in the paper."
"Even if he sees it, he might not respond."
"Him? You mean Himura-kun?" Kakei looks almost surprised. He shakes his head. "No, you misunderstand. I mean, I was thinking of putting an ad in the paper for a new employee. I can't run the store with only one person."
"Oh." Kazahaya feels thoroughly stupid. "Yeah, that's true, isn't it."
The customer is a woman in perhaps her twenties. The shape of her face reminds him of Tsukiko. In Rikuoh's memories she was beautiful like a classical Western painting, pale as her name. She and Rikuoh would make an impressive pair if one were to see them together. Was she his sister? Lover? What happened between the two of them? Has he found her yet?
Now he supposes he'll never know.
xxx
Kazahaya begins to realize that before, he was always together with Rikuoh. Neither of them had school or any hobbies. They were too thrifty for movies or clubs. And since they rarely went out, other than on jobs, and to get groceries... it's almost ridiculous, the way their lives happened in such a small space. Somehow he was too distracted to pay it any mind before.
The days turn into a whole week. He reads the newspaper thinking of how Rikuoh's hands held it; the wind blows, and he remembers Rikuoh's breath on his ear, and shivers. He is haunted by the lack of that presence.
To tell the truth, he didn't mind Rikuoh all that much. Sure, he was a frustrating guy, but he was company, and good to have at your back. They looked out for each other. Possibly they were a little like friends. But somehow...
It's strange, the things you never manage to say to people.
For some reason he thinks of Nayuki.
The thought is instantly dismissed. It's not like that at all. Nayuki couldn't be honest with others: Kazahaya is honest to a fault. He has no trouble expressing his true feelings. And besides, Nayuki's true feelings were completely different.
There is no connection.
After a while, without realizing it, he begins looking for Rikuoh. He spends hours after work wandering the streets, looking through crowds of nameless people, hiding under eaves from the sudden winter rains that wash the streets clean. He stares through the windows of brightly-lit stores scanning the customers. He tells himself he's just wandering because he's bored.
Sometimes he thinks he recognizes the place where he collapsed in the snow last Christmas. He was told that Rikuoh found him and carried him home. He doesn't remember that. He only remembers the cold, and wanting not to die, and then suddenly being warm. Even though he may not always have liked Rikuoh, he can't forget that feeling.
One time he is walking down the street and he sees the girl who gave him her school uniform several months ago. She is laughing, and she holds onto the arm of an older man, who is also laughing. Probably her boyfriend.
Kazahaya realizes that he has never felt more alone in his life.
xxx
"You're putting them on the wrong shelf," calls Kakei from the counter.
Kazahaya looks at the box in his hands. It's true. "Oh. Uh, sorry!" he calls back, and takes the box back into another aisle to put it where it belongs.
Kakei leaves the counter and joins him. "You seem distracted lately. Are you worried about Himura-kun?"
"Of course not. There's no reason for me to be worried about him, is there? It's none of my business."
"I suppose you're right."
"Suppose? What does that mean?" He is almost beginning to shout before he realizes it and instantly becomes quieter. It's only that the smirk on Kakei's face pissed him off. "I know what you're thinking. I'm not like that. If I had a problem with him being gone, I would tell you. Well, of course I'd like some more extra work, but... it doesn't bug me. Really."
"Fair enough." Kakei looks at the box. "Incidentally, that's still not the right shelf."
"Oh."
xxx
Kazahaya stops at an intersection and watches the crowd of people crossing towards him. The concrete is spotted with broken drops of rain. There is something missing here. It's like a part of him is...
All at once he becomes aware of the fact that, when he goes out, he is not actually looking for Rikuoh. He is running away because he's scared to face the truth. The truth is that he knows exactly where Rikuoh is.
Immediately he tells himself that that's not it, it can't be, it's not like that. Nayuki was completely different from him. He turns around anyway, because there are things he can't pretend to himself no matter what, heads back to the Green Drugstore, up the flight of stairs, opens the door and steps inside.
"So you finally came."
He is standing at the bottom of a grassy hill. Above him, his ghost sits with Rikuoh, who is unconscious and a little pale but otherwise seems normal. His head is in the ghost's lap.
"You're not me," Kazahaya says.
Not-Kazahaya only smiles.
"You can't be me. I'm... I'm not like that. If I... I would say something."
"But you didn't."
Kazahaya shakes his head, and takes a step forward up the hill. "Give him back."
"No."
"I said give him back!"
"No," repeats Not-Kazahaya. "Why should I? He's happy. So am I." His hand ghosts over Rikuoh's face. "He doesn't have to worry about money, or jobs, or Tsukiko... I'll take care of him here. Besides, what can you give him?"
"It's not like you can give him anything either."
"But I want him. You don't."
"I want him plenty," growls Kazahaya.
The spirit smiles again. Then it fades away into nothing, and with it, the hill. Rikuoh is lying on the apartment floor. Kazahaya drags him into his room, but can't quite lift him up onto the bed. He throws the blanket over him and makes his way back to his own room. The entire time, he tries not to look at Rikuoh.
It wasn't... it's not like that. It was probably just an evil spirit trying to confuse him, he knows that happens sometimes. They like to play tricks on people. Put weird thoughts in their heads. There's no reason to think it was anything like what happened with Nayuki. The best thing would be to forget it ever happened.
Now things can go back to normal.
xxx
"Now things can go back to normal, huh?"
"Possibly."
"What do you mean?"
"That spirit is the result of unexpressed feelings. When the feelings are expressed, it disappears... but if Kudou-kun continues this way, those feelings will build up inside him, and the spirit will be created again."
"But if he just-"
Kakei's expression is very mild, but frightening nonetheless.
"Do you really think that will happen?"
END
(Well, if Clamp won't finish their goddamn series, I'll just have to do it myself! In hindsight, this fic is uneccessarily dramatic. But watch as I don't care. I have a good time writing creepy disappearence stories, and that's all that matters.)
For those not in the know, Gouhou Drug is XXXholic's prototype sister, featuring 150% more gratuitous crossdressing and creepy sisters.