For The Last Time
Title: For the Last Time
Author: sasuke_fuji
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Characters: Tezuka/Fuji
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Unable to be together during their lifetime, Fuji now waited for his last chance to get a certainty from Tezuka
Warnings: Perfect Pair, slightly implied TezukaXOC and FujiXOC
Disclaimer: Characters owned by Takeshi Konomi.
Beta: a1y_puff
A/N:This is my first Tefu fanfic. A lot of thanks to a1y_puff and lafuego for helping me in wording problems. Another thanks to vierblith-tefu, demonessryu, isumi-ilde and others Tefu's writer that I have known for introducing me to this incredible fandom ^_^
A legend said that far away in northern Japan, there was a place called Ozoresan where the Sanzu River-which was the gate between the living world and the netherworld-was flowing. To reach the netherworld, the soul of the deceased people had to cross the bridge laid over it, which was guarded by two guardian spirits. The souls allowed to cross the bridge were those who had done good deeds during their lifetime, while the ones who failed were those who had done unfavorable deeds. They would end up stuck around the bridge as a wandering soul with no destinations. Though apparently, not all of the qualified souls decided to cross the bridge immediately. For some reasons, some of them chose to stay before the bridge.
*****************************
“Fuji-san.”
Curiously, Fuji Syusuke looked at two guardian spirits who were approaching him. They were both short, almost looked like two identical boys with a flat face. They were wearing some kind of Japanese traditional clothing with long, glowing silk shawl. Fuji found the fact that they had no mouths was interesting for he could clearly hear their voice chanted in his ear.
“Why don’t you continue your journey?” asked one of the guardians. “You have finished your life. You were a good person. You’ve had a perfect family and a respectable life. Now is the time for you to enter the afterlife. Please, you may cross the bridge.”
Fuji smiled and refused politely when one of the guardians took his hand to escort him.
“Thank you, but I’m afraid I prefer to stay here for a while.”
“Why?” The guardians looked at Fuji with questioning look.
“I’m waiting for someone.”
“Have you both made a promise to meet before?”
Fuji plastered another smile.
“Should we have made a promise beforehand?” he asked back innocently. The guardians sighed.
“It is not always necessary,” said the guardian. “The person whom you are waiting for might find you here, but only if both of you hold the same feelings, and if this person is also searching for you.”
At that statement, Fuji fell silent.
Would you also feel the same? Would you go look for me, then? Maybe, this is my last chance to make things clear.
“Then, I will wait,” stated Fuji softly.
Fuji waited before the bridge and looked at his surrounding. There was only darkness around the river. The only light came from the bridge and the sole tree nearby. Fuji saw more shawls were hung on the branches. He thought that maybe, those were the other guardians’ shawls. He assumed the tree must be the guardians’ shelter. Fuji found himself observing the guardians now. He used to imagine that the bridge’s guardian would be a horrible demon. Unexpectedly, they were actually far from frightening. Or was it because he had become a spirit that he wasn’t afraid of the two guardians? Fuji wondered how he looked like right now. It was a pity there were no mirrors in sight. Worse, he was starting to get bored now as nothing could be done to kill the time.
“Is there something wrong, Fuji-san?”
Fuji smiled sweetly. Too sweet, actually, which had usually brought a bad feeling to the people around him at the time he was alive.
“I’m bored.”
“So?” The guardian tilted his head. The sweet smile was getting wider.
“Let’s have a talk.”
“What?”
“You see, I’m used to have people to entertain me when I’m bored. Sometimes we would just have some random talks, or maybe even play some games,” Fuji explained. “Mostly I did it with my siblings or my friends. Actually, my parents were nice people to talk too. But my father was rarely being around while my mother was too innocent for joke. Neesan was a great sister. She had taught me about many things. We often did fun things together. I think you have met them here before.”
“Fuji-san...-“The guardians tried to cut the Fuji’s unexpected narration. But Fuji ignored it and continued.
“And Yuuta was the best brother that I’ve ever had.”
“You only have one brother, Fuji-san. To whom are you comparing him, then?”
“To all brothers ever existed in the world, of course. He was the best for me anyway.” Fuji said lightly. “You may check it if you meet him later.”
The guardian sighed and inwardly wondered, what is the point of talking about his family on this bridge with us?
Their conversation was interrupted suddenly as Fuji’s attention moved to a group of souls which approached from the darkness. Some of them looked elderly, the other looked younger and there were even children among them. They walked towards the gate with content smiles. Fuji could even see halo rings above their heads. As they were getting closer to the bridge, the elderly souls were gradually turning younger, and when they had finally arrived in front of the gate of the bridge, their appearance had become completely young, beautiful, bright and innocent. Fuji was astounded with the transformations, while the guardians were busy welcoming and assisting them.
“Why were they coming in a group?” Fuji curiously asked after the group had passed.
“They were prayers who died when their temple was burned recently.”
“That was horrible.” He murmured. “And why had the elders turned younger?”
“Every soul would cross this bridge with their best appearances during their lives.” The guardians said.
“So am I?” Fuji wondered.
“Yes, you are, Fuji-san. You are in your best shape right now. You are…” The guardian paused for a while. Fuji tilted his head and threw a questioning look. “Well… you look very beautiful,” coughed. “…just like an angel,” the guardian continued, and the other one nodded his agreement. Fuji showed his infamous angelic smile which had successfully made the guardians felt rather awkward.
“And what are those pale and dim lights around the bridge?”
“They are the unqualified souls. They are trapped between the two worlds. They have finished their lives but we still can’t accept them due to some considerations.”
Fuji smiled. He liked the way the guardians explain things to him. He thought the guardians were rather cute.
“Saa, you seem to know everything,” he said cheerfully. “I wonder how long you have worked guarding the bridge and assisting the souls like this.” The guardian spirits frowned. “Are you well paid? What about the day-offs and rewards?”
“Fuji-san,” cut the spirit. “We are Sanzu’s bridge guardians, not the Nation boundaries’ gate keeper.”
“Well, you two are suited for that position.”
The other guardian sighed.
“Fuji-san, there have been many souls who have crossed the bridge or stopped to wait here as you do now, but you are the first one who talk to us and compare us to the Nation boundaries gate keepers.”
Fuji chuckled, feeling rather amused with the guardians’ reaction. He was sure he could see the spirits blushed and got annoyed at him. Fuji was glad he didn’t lose his sense of humor after his death. He found teasing the guardian enjoyable. This was what made him never stopped teasing Yuuta and his friends, especially Tezuka. Remembering him, Fuji’s smile grew wider.
Fuji had never really loved tennis. He liked this game because it was fun and challenging. He didn’t take it seriously when he won his first official as a child. He had never even thought of continuing his carrier in tennis either, but then he found out that Yuuta was fond of this game. Fuji had thought that it would be fun if he could play with his brother. That was why he decided to continue playing tennis. When he entered Seigaku, his teacher suggested him to apply in tennis club upon noticing Fuji’s achievement in that sport thus far. Fuji had agreed then. Fuji never thought that his decision to apply would change his perception about human’s relationships later.
“You are daydreaming, Fuji-san,”
That voice snapped Fuji back from his musings. Fuji smiled and apologized softly.
“Those must have been beautiful memories.”
“Indeed,” said Fuji sweetly. “Too beautiful, actually.”
Especially the memories about him.
At the beginning, Fuji didn’t expect anything when he entered the Seigaku tennis club. He had only thought of waiting for another year before he could play with his beloved brother in the club. His mind changed, though, from the first time his blue eyes met a pair of hazel ones behind a very elegance spectacles. Since the first time, Fuji knew that he was special. That boy was clever, diligent, and very responsible, yet stoic and reserved. His ability was far more superior to their seniors, but he had never shown it. The stoic youth had immediatly caught Fuji's interest. It had been in the middle of spring, between cherry blossom’s petals which were falling slowly, a few days after their eyes met, Fuji greeted the stoic youth for the first time.
“Tezuka-kun…”
They were always together, their friends had once said.
At first, Fuji had just thought that Tezuka needed to have a friend, a close friend, perhaps. Being so reserved in such a young age was no fun at all. Tezuka had to realize that. That was why he decided to approach the stoic youth; he greeted him every morning and talked about random things to him at any possible chance. It was like a blessing when they become classmates in their second year. Naturally, they were getting closer. Soon, they had become close friends as Tezuka started to get used to Fuji’s presence by his side. They had been attached to each other, completing each other, and built a very strong understanding between them. They had always been together, like a man and his shadow. Before they could realize, their understanding for each other had changed into needs and dependence. Their feeling had turned slowly into something forbidden
It was when they were about to walk home together after the final exams that everything was revealed. Fuji blamed it on their rather melancholic private conversation concerning graduation and separation. He cursed the damned teenage hormones which overwhelmed him as he couldn’t bear the thought of separating from his best friend. In the corner of School yard, he could no longer control himself when his hands reached Tezuka’s stoic face, and then cerulean eyes met hazel ones. There was silence after the confession. What he could remember after that was that their lips had finally locked and their tongues entangled with each other. No need for words to convey their true feelings toward each other. They were in a pure bliss until that thing called logic crashing in and smashed them hard to reality.
”We can’t do this, Fuji.”
“... I understand....”
“Maybe..,” Tezuka paused for a while. “We need to wait.”
Fuji let out a bitter chuckle. The infamous Seigaku’s buchou still put his stoic face but Fuji could see the light within those hazel eyes were different. There were glints of uncertainty and doubts there. Fuji did not like awkwardness silence that enveloping them after.
“What for?”
“We need to see if these feelings hold true over time.”
Fuji made another chuckle which sounded somewhat sweeter and lighter than before.
“Never count on erratic young love, ne, Tezuka?”
“Hn...”
Fuji’s smile faltered as he fell silent. He could see the agonized look on Tezuka's face. The way he threw his gaze to the floor and how he drew a deep breath caused a tinge of pain somewhere in Fuji's chest.
“Is it because we’re both male?” Fuji asked bitterly.
“We are still young.”
Fuji sighed. “You know, I don’t mind admitting I might be gay at such a young age.”
“You are very open-minded.”
“Tezuka, I love you.” Fuji continued abruptly.
“Fuji, you are the best thing I’ve ever had.”
“Does that mean you love me back?”
“…”
Fuji let out another sigh as no answer escaped from the other’s lip.
“I see.”
At least, you didn’t resist the kiss. I‘m glad you were the one who steal my first kiss. If time could slowly make things clear, then I wouldn’t mind waiting.
“Did you find your love at school?”
Fuji snapped back to the present. His eyelids fluttering open. He looked at the guardians for a while before closing his eyes again. His smile was once again plastered on his face.
“I’ve found much love in my family and my friends. We cared for each other even years after our school days. We’ve managed to keep in touch and sent greeting to each other. Sometimes, we would have some reunions and visit each other. I was blessed to have them.”
“Did you meet your spouse there?”
Fuji laughed lightly.
“I met my wife after I’ve settled with my job in my late twenties. She was a famous writer. We met for the first time in my photo exhibition. She was a pretty French lady, very kind and sweet with beautiful fingers. We got married three years after that.” Fuji stopped for a while. “Maybe I should’ve thanked her more for everything that she had given to me. We’ve had nice memories and a happy family. She was a good wife and a perfect mother. I’ve always tried my best to make her happy, but I guess that would never be enough to pay for what she had done for me.”
“Didn’t you love her?”
“I...-”
Fuji was surprised he could not answer that question directly. It had always been easy for him to boast about how madly in love he was with his wife to everyone when he was alive. But now, he found that his tongue felt too numb to say those words.
Did I ever really love her?
After they graduated from junior high, Tezuka went to Germany and started to build his carrier as a professional tennis player while Fuji went to a common Senior High School in Japan. There, he found himself registered in a photography club. He felt that his memories with the Seigaku regulars were too priceless. It would’ve been agonizing for him to see the shadows of his friends, and especially Tezuka, if he were to join the tennis club and frequently visit the tennis courts. He had enough of tennis and decided to follow Tezuka’s moves in a different way.
They kept in contact. They visited each other whenever there was a chance. It was ironic; as they grew up they were getting used in controlling their feelings toward each other. Acting normal and composed had become much easier for them. They never talked about those feelings anymore. Their conversations were casual. But there were times, though, when Tezuka let Fuji showed his affections and concerns more than a friend should. Indeed, Fuji could see that the light within the hazel eyes was still the same, although the stoic man never reacted too far than what a close friend might do.
Sometimes, Fuji found himself slumped into his miserable nights when he missed Tezuka so much. That was another time when Fuji felt the urge to clarify everything as he started to doubt the understanding and tenderness indicated in those hazel eyes. Fuji realized Tezuka had never changed. They just didn’t talk about it anymore. So Fuji thought he wouldn’t push the issue since he understood Tezuka so well.
They continued to share everything about life through phone calls, letters, emails, gifts and some sweet rendezvous. Occasionally, Fuji was honored to have unofficial friendly match when Tezuka was in Japan. They became the first person to congratulate each other for birthdays, success in their careers or on other events. Fuji flew to England when he heard Tezuka was injured and Tezuka went back to Japan when Fuji got into a bad car accident. Fuji always tried to be with Tezuka in his special events, and vice versa. At some points, Fuji thought that slowly, their feelings were clearly established without them discussing. He was gradually building up hopes until he heard something that really broke him into pieces. Tezuka decided to get married.
The bride-to-be was his far relative. She was sweet and smart. She was suited for Tezuka. She even acted so nice and polite to Fuji. That was the first time Fuji got himself drunk so badly and cursed Tezuka. It was very obvious there was no love in the way Tezuka looked at her. It was only Tezuka’s responsibility to his family. She was good and Tezuka just happened to get along quite well with her, so he had decided he would take his role as a good son and a husband-to-be. Fuji felt like he wanted to shot his head that night. Luckily, he couldn’t find any gun near him. It took him a few weeks of contemplating before he finally decided to contact Tezuka.
“Tezuka, congratulation for your engagement.” Fuji said to the other side of the line. It took lots of effort to make his tone sounded neutral.
“Thank you.”
There was an awkward pause between them. Fuji did not like it at all.
“Tezuka, do you still remember our junior high memories?”
“Yes.”
“Those are the best memories in my life.”
“In mine as well.”
There was another long pause. Fuji didn't know why but he suddenly got so pissed off and had to hold back the urge to shout.
Tezuka, couldn't you have come up with a more sympathetic comment? Don't you know how you have crushed me so bad before?
“Tezuka, I still love you.” Fuji paused for a moment then continued when no reply came from the other. “Are you disturbed that I say it?”
“Fuji, I thought we’re already clear about this.”
Fuji bit his lips. Those words had somehow put him on the edge of his patience.
“Just answer the question, dammit!”
A few seconds of silence almost drove Fuji mad. He had prepared for this conversation before, but he had never expected it would be so hard to control his emotions. He wondered whether the other felt the same.
“No, I’m not.”
“Does that mean you love me too?”
“Fuji, you are the best thing that I’ve ever had.”
“Yes or no?”
“You are very important to me.”
Fuji hung up. He hated denial.
Tezuka, you idiot. Why is it so hard for you to just admit it?
Fuji sighed. He had understood already that this issue was difficult for Tezuka since he had a very respectable and conservative family. It was really obvious for Fuji because since their time in Seigaku, he had been the only one who was able to understand the inner workings of Tezuka’s mind. It would be pointless regretting Tezuka’s decision. So, He just needed to follow Tezuka’s way. They just had to put on the masks again to hide everything. With this, Fuji decided to leave Japan and went overseas without chasing Tezuka’s shadow.
“I was blessed to meet a very understanding woman like my wife. I was happy with her,” Fuji said softly as he tried to answer the guardian’s question.
“No, you were not.”
Fuji blinked.
“Why?”
“Because if you were happy with your life, you would’ve easily said that you love her.”
“I was happy. If I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t have ended my life’s story perfectly. I wouldn’t have left my world surrounded by my beloved children, grandchildren and friends. I wouldn’t have lived a life this long.”
“But deep inside your heart, that was not the life that you’ve had expected. You needed to make sure of something; that is your real determination. That is why you decided to stop here. You want to get your real happiness in this last chance.”
Fuji was stunned.
“Fuji-san, that person is not your wife, is it?”
Fuji was silent for awhile. He sighed heavily before he finally answered.
“No.”
“Who is this person?”
“He is someone whom I wanted to devote my entire life to.”
“Why couldn’t you be with this person during your life?”
Fuji smiled bitterly.
“There were too many considerations to think of and consequences to bear with. He was the only son in his family and he couldn’t go against the expectations placed upon him. I respected his decision. I thought it would be easier for me to forget him after we were both married. But I was wrong. There was a time when I imagined that we would do things like on those romance movies, like maybe, we would have the courage to break the barrier in the name of love. But that was illogical, and we were anything but illogical. In fact, I found both of us kept on struggling to keep everything normal and perfect until the end. He had never said anything about it but I’ve always been able to feel it. Each time we met, I felt like he had always tried to ask me to wait and understand. So that’s what I’ve been doing.”
“What have both of you been waiting for?”
“We will wait until we are in a world where difference wouldn’t matter anymore, where we wouldn’t have to lie or pretend, that is a world of honesty and sincerity. There would be my final chance to make things clear.”
“Are you sure he will come to you then?”
“He will find me here and we will cross the bridge together.”
The two guardians looked each other and looked back to Fuji with more concern aura.
“Fuji-san, have you ever imagined if the person that you are waiting for might not be looking for you anymore?” Fuji did not answer. “Do you know what will happen to you?”
Suddenly, a long moment of silence was present between them. Fuji was shivering as he glanced at the pale and dim lights floating aimlessly in the darkness.
Tezuka, does the transition world feel this cold?
“I would end up like them.”
The two guardians sighed.
“Well then, Fuji-san. Please enjoy your wait.”
“Thank you.”
Then Fuji continued to wait no matter how much the time he needed since that was the only thing he could do now. This was the last time. Soon, the two guardians started busying themselves by welcoming another spirits. No one stopped and looked at him. No one recognized him and none looked like someone he was waiting for.
Ne, Tezuka, I still remember our first kiss. You’re honest sometimes, you know. I could feel it. And I still remember the way you looked at me. It was gentle and full of adoration. I felt honored to know that I’m the luckiest person to receive such affections from you, even compared to your own family. Those were the things which had kept me strong to play my own role. I’ve never needed words, yet I’ve always understood. Those thousands of messages that you’ve been unconsciously sending me have made me understand that I have to wait. So I will always wait for you, until the time comes for us to make things clear.
*********END**********
OMAKE :
“Fuji.”
That voice was still like what he always remembered, deep yet tender. Fuji turned his head and saw a soul in his elderly features approaching from the darkness. Fuji turned to face the said soul with a genuine smile. As the soul was getting closer, it started to transform. The Grey and thin hair slowly turned into thick messy brown hair that he had been longing for so long. His wrinkled skin smoothened up and that fragile body was slowly getting well-built. Fuji’s smile was getting wider as that person stopped right in front of him, as beautiful as he had always remembered.
“Ne, Tezuka, finally you really look at me.”
“Hn..”
Fuji reached out to touch Tezuka’s face. When was the last time he kissed him? It must have been quite a long, long time ago. How he really longed for this time.
“Ne, Tezuka, I love you,” he said; a genuine smile was adorning his face.
A hint of doubt flashed in Tezuka’s eyes, as he replied “You are the best thing I’ve ever had, Fuji.”
At that statement, Fuji’s face fell. As his smile was faltering, he looked straight into Tezuka’s eyes.
“Don’t you have better words to say? I’m tired of hearing those words from you,” Fuji paused to take a deep breath. Then he continued in a more frustrated tone, “Damn it, Tezuka, would you please stop denying?”
Tezuka lips twitched a little bit, and his eyes softened as he gazed back into Fuji’s eyes.
“I love you too, Fuji. I am sorry for making you wait for this long.”
The confession put Fuji in a daze for a while. Finally, he could hear those words that he had longed all the time. He let out a content sigh and smiled once more.
“Saa, then I don’t really mind to wait.”
Author: sasuke_fuji
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Characters: Tezuka/Fuji
Genre: Romance/Angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Unable to be together during their lifetime, Fuji now waited for his last chance to get a certainty from Tezuka
Warnings: Perfect Pair, slightly implied TezukaXOC and FujiXOC
Disclaimer: Characters owned by Takeshi Konomi.
Beta: a1y_puff
A/N:This is my first Tefu fanfic. A lot of thanks to a1y_puff and lafuego for helping me in wording problems. Another thanks to vierblith-tefu, demonessryu, isumi-ilde and others Tefu's writer that I have known for introducing me to this incredible fandom ^_^
A legend said that far away in northern Japan, there was a place called Ozoresan where the Sanzu River-which was the gate between the living world and the netherworld-was flowing. To reach the netherworld, the soul of the deceased people had to cross the bridge laid over it, which was guarded by two guardian spirits. The souls allowed to cross the bridge were those who had done good deeds during their lifetime, while the ones who failed were those who had done unfavorable deeds. They would end up stuck around the bridge as a wandering soul with no destinations. Though apparently, not all of the qualified souls decided to cross the bridge immediately. For some reasons, some of them chose to stay before the bridge.
*****************************
“Fuji-san.”
Curiously, Fuji Syusuke looked at two guardian spirits who were approaching him. They were both short, almost looked like two identical boys with a flat face. They were wearing some kind of Japanese traditional clothing with long, glowing silk shawl. Fuji found the fact that they had no mouths was interesting for he could clearly hear their voice chanted in his ear.
“Why don’t you continue your journey?” asked one of the guardians. “You have finished your life. You were a good person. You’ve had a perfect family and a respectable life. Now is the time for you to enter the afterlife. Please, you may cross the bridge.”
Fuji smiled and refused politely when one of the guardians took his hand to escort him.
“Thank you, but I’m afraid I prefer to stay here for a while.”
“Why?” The guardians looked at Fuji with questioning look.
“I’m waiting for someone.”
“Have you both made a promise to meet before?”
Fuji plastered another smile.
“Should we have made a promise beforehand?” he asked back innocently. The guardians sighed.
“It is not always necessary,” said the guardian. “The person whom you are waiting for might find you here, but only if both of you hold the same feelings, and if this person is also searching for you.”
At that statement, Fuji fell silent.
Would you also feel the same? Would you go look for me, then? Maybe, this is my last chance to make things clear.
“Then, I will wait,” stated Fuji softly.
Fuji waited before the bridge and looked at his surrounding. There was only darkness around the river. The only light came from the bridge and the sole tree nearby. Fuji saw more shawls were hung on the branches. He thought that maybe, those were the other guardians’ shawls. He assumed the tree must be the guardians’ shelter. Fuji found himself observing the guardians now. He used to imagine that the bridge’s guardian would be a horrible demon. Unexpectedly, they were actually far from frightening. Or was it because he had become a spirit that he wasn’t afraid of the two guardians? Fuji wondered how he looked like right now. It was a pity there were no mirrors in sight. Worse, he was starting to get bored now as nothing could be done to kill the time.
“Is there something wrong, Fuji-san?”
Fuji smiled sweetly. Too sweet, actually, which had usually brought a bad feeling to the people around him at the time he was alive.
“I’m bored.”
“So?” The guardian tilted his head. The sweet smile was getting wider.
“Let’s have a talk.”
“What?”
“You see, I’m used to have people to entertain me when I’m bored. Sometimes we would just have some random talks, or maybe even play some games,” Fuji explained. “Mostly I did it with my siblings or my friends. Actually, my parents were nice people to talk too. But my father was rarely being around while my mother was too innocent for joke. Neesan was a great sister. She had taught me about many things. We often did fun things together. I think you have met them here before.”
“Fuji-san...-“The guardians tried to cut the Fuji’s unexpected narration. But Fuji ignored it and continued.
“And Yuuta was the best brother that I’ve ever had.”
“You only have one brother, Fuji-san. To whom are you comparing him, then?”
“To all brothers ever existed in the world, of course. He was the best for me anyway.” Fuji said lightly. “You may check it if you meet him later.”
The guardian sighed and inwardly wondered, what is the point of talking about his family on this bridge with us?
Their conversation was interrupted suddenly as Fuji’s attention moved to a group of souls which approached from the darkness. Some of them looked elderly, the other looked younger and there were even children among them. They walked towards the gate with content smiles. Fuji could even see halo rings above their heads. As they were getting closer to the bridge, the elderly souls were gradually turning younger, and when they had finally arrived in front of the gate of the bridge, their appearance had become completely young, beautiful, bright and innocent. Fuji was astounded with the transformations, while the guardians were busy welcoming and assisting them.
“Why were they coming in a group?” Fuji curiously asked after the group had passed.
“They were prayers who died when their temple was burned recently.”
“That was horrible.” He murmured. “And why had the elders turned younger?”
“Every soul would cross this bridge with their best appearances during their lives.” The guardians said.
“So am I?” Fuji wondered.
“Yes, you are, Fuji-san. You are in your best shape right now. You are…” The guardian paused for a while. Fuji tilted his head and threw a questioning look. “Well… you look very beautiful,” coughed. “…just like an angel,” the guardian continued, and the other one nodded his agreement. Fuji showed his infamous angelic smile which had successfully made the guardians felt rather awkward.
“And what are those pale and dim lights around the bridge?”
“They are the unqualified souls. They are trapped between the two worlds. They have finished their lives but we still can’t accept them due to some considerations.”
Fuji smiled. He liked the way the guardians explain things to him. He thought the guardians were rather cute.
“Saa, you seem to know everything,” he said cheerfully. “I wonder how long you have worked guarding the bridge and assisting the souls like this.” The guardian spirits frowned. “Are you well paid? What about the day-offs and rewards?”
“Fuji-san,” cut the spirit. “We are Sanzu’s bridge guardians, not the Nation boundaries’ gate keeper.”
“Well, you two are suited for that position.”
The other guardian sighed.
“Fuji-san, there have been many souls who have crossed the bridge or stopped to wait here as you do now, but you are the first one who talk to us and compare us to the Nation boundaries gate keepers.”
Fuji chuckled, feeling rather amused with the guardians’ reaction. He was sure he could see the spirits blushed and got annoyed at him. Fuji was glad he didn’t lose his sense of humor after his death. He found teasing the guardian enjoyable. This was what made him never stopped teasing Yuuta and his friends, especially Tezuka. Remembering him, Fuji’s smile grew wider.
Fuji had never really loved tennis. He liked this game because it was fun and challenging. He didn’t take it seriously when he won his first official as a child. He had never even thought of continuing his carrier in tennis either, but then he found out that Yuuta was fond of this game. Fuji had thought that it would be fun if he could play with his brother. That was why he decided to continue playing tennis. When he entered Seigaku, his teacher suggested him to apply in tennis club upon noticing Fuji’s achievement in that sport thus far. Fuji had agreed then. Fuji never thought that his decision to apply would change his perception about human’s relationships later.
“You are daydreaming, Fuji-san,”
That voice snapped Fuji back from his musings. Fuji smiled and apologized softly.
“Those must have been beautiful memories.”
“Indeed,” said Fuji sweetly. “Too beautiful, actually.”
Especially the memories about him.
At the beginning, Fuji didn’t expect anything when he entered the Seigaku tennis club. He had only thought of waiting for another year before he could play with his beloved brother in the club. His mind changed, though, from the first time his blue eyes met a pair of hazel ones behind a very elegance spectacles. Since the first time, Fuji knew that he was special. That boy was clever, diligent, and very responsible, yet stoic and reserved. His ability was far more superior to their seniors, but he had never shown it. The stoic youth had immediatly caught Fuji's interest. It had been in the middle of spring, between cherry blossom’s petals which were falling slowly, a few days after their eyes met, Fuji greeted the stoic youth for the first time.
“Tezuka-kun…”
They were always together, their friends had once said.
At first, Fuji had just thought that Tezuka needed to have a friend, a close friend, perhaps. Being so reserved in such a young age was no fun at all. Tezuka had to realize that. That was why he decided to approach the stoic youth; he greeted him every morning and talked about random things to him at any possible chance. It was like a blessing when they become classmates in their second year. Naturally, they were getting closer. Soon, they had become close friends as Tezuka started to get used to Fuji’s presence by his side. They had been attached to each other, completing each other, and built a very strong understanding between them. They had always been together, like a man and his shadow. Before they could realize, their understanding for each other had changed into needs and dependence. Their feeling had turned slowly into something forbidden
It was when they were about to walk home together after the final exams that everything was revealed. Fuji blamed it on their rather melancholic private conversation concerning graduation and separation. He cursed the damned teenage hormones which overwhelmed him as he couldn’t bear the thought of separating from his best friend. In the corner of School yard, he could no longer control himself when his hands reached Tezuka’s stoic face, and then cerulean eyes met hazel ones. There was silence after the confession. What he could remember after that was that their lips had finally locked and their tongues entangled with each other. No need for words to convey their true feelings toward each other. They were in a pure bliss until that thing called logic crashing in and smashed them hard to reality.
”We can’t do this, Fuji.”
“... I understand....”
“Maybe..,” Tezuka paused for a while. “We need to wait.”
Fuji let out a bitter chuckle. The infamous Seigaku’s buchou still put his stoic face but Fuji could see the light within those hazel eyes were different. There were glints of uncertainty and doubts there. Fuji did not like awkwardness silence that enveloping them after.
“What for?”
“We need to see if these feelings hold true over time.”
Fuji made another chuckle which sounded somewhat sweeter and lighter than before.
“Never count on erratic young love, ne, Tezuka?”
“Hn...”
Fuji’s smile faltered as he fell silent. He could see the agonized look on Tezuka's face. The way he threw his gaze to the floor and how he drew a deep breath caused a tinge of pain somewhere in Fuji's chest.
“Is it because we’re both male?” Fuji asked bitterly.
“We are still young.”
Fuji sighed. “You know, I don’t mind admitting I might be gay at such a young age.”
“You are very open-minded.”
“Tezuka, I love you.” Fuji continued abruptly.
“Fuji, you are the best thing I’ve ever had.”
“Does that mean you love me back?”
“…”
Fuji let out another sigh as no answer escaped from the other’s lip.
“I see.”
At least, you didn’t resist the kiss. I‘m glad you were the one who steal my first kiss. If time could slowly make things clear, then I wouldn’t mind waiting.
“Did you find your love at school?”
Fuji snapped back to the present. His eyelids fluttering open. He looked at the guardians for a while before closing his eyes again. His smile was once again plastered on his face.
“I’ve found much love in my family and my friends. We cared for each other even years after our school days. We’ve managed to keep in touch and sent greeting to each other. Sometimes, we would have some reunions and visit each other. I was blessed to have them.”
“Did you meet your spouse there?”
Fuji laughed lightly.
“I met my wife after I’ve settled with my job in my late twenties. She was a famous writer. We met for the first time in my photo exhibition. She was a pretty French lady, very kind and sweet with beautiful fingers. We got married three years after that.” Fuji stopped for a while. “Maybe I should’ve thanked her more for everything that she had given to me. We’ve had nice memories and a happy family. She was a good wife and a perfect mother. I’ve always tried my best to make her happy, but I guess that would never be enough to pay for what she had done for me.”
“Didn’t you love her?”
“I...-”
Fuji was surprised he could not answer that question directly. It had always been easy for him to boast about how madly in love he was with his wife to everyone when he was alive. But now, he found that his tongue felt too numb to say those words.
Did I ever really love her?
After they graduated from junior high, Tezuka went to Germany and started to build his carrier as a professional tennis player while Fuji went to a common Senior High School in Japan. There, he found himself registered in a photography club. He felt that his memories with the Seigaku regulars were too priceless. It would’ve been agonizing for him to see the shadows of his friends, and especially Tezuka, if he were to join the tennis club and frequently visit the tennis courts. He had enough of tennis and decided to follow Tezuka’s moves in a different way.
They kept in contact. They visited each other whenever there was a chance. It was ironic; as they grew up they were getting used in controlling their feelings toward each other. Acting normal and composed had become much easier for them. They never talked about those feelings anymore. Their conversations were casual. But there were times, though, when Tezuka let Fuji showed his affections and concerns more than a friend should. Indeed, Fuji could see that the light within the hazel eyes was still the same, although the stoic man never reacted too far than what a close friend might do.
Sometimes, Fuji found himself slumped into his miserable nights when he missed Tezuka so much. That was another time when Fuji felt the urge to clarify everything as he started to doubt the understanding and tenderness indicated in those hazel eyes. Fuji realized Tezuka had never changed. They just didn’t talk about it anymore. So Fuji thought he wouldn’t push the issue since he understood Tezuka so well.
They continued to share everything about life through phone calls, letters, emails, gifts and some sweet rendezvous. Occasionally, Fuji was honored to have unofficial friendly match when Tezuka was in Japan. They became the first person to congratulate each other for birthdays, success in their careers or on other events. Fuji flew to England when he heard Tezuka was injured and Tezuka went back to Japan when Fuji got into a bad car accident. Fuji always tried to be with Tezuka in his special events, and vice versa. At some points, Fuji thought that slowly, their feelings were clearly established without them discussing. He was gradually building up hopes until he heard something that really broke him into pieces. Tezuka decided to get married.
The bride-to-be was his far relative. She was sweet and smart. She was suited for Tezuka. She even acted so nice and polite to Fuji. That was the first time Fuji got himself drunk so badly and cursed Tezuka. It was very obvious there was no love in the way Tezuka looked at her. It was only Tezuka’s responsibility to his family. She was good and Tezuka just happened to get along quite well with her, so he had decided he would take his role as a good son and a husband-to-be. Fuji felt like he wanted to shot his head that night. Luckily, he couldn’t find any gun near him. It took him a few weeks of contemplating before he finally decided to contact Tezuka.
“Tezuka, congratulation for your engagement.” Fuji said to the other side of the line. It took lots of effort to make his tone sounded neutral.
“Thank you.”
There was an awkward pause between them. Fuji did not like it at all.
“Tezuka, do you still remember our junior high memories?”
“Yes.”
“Those are the best memories in my life.”
“In mine as well.”
There was another long pause. Fuji didn't know why but he suddenly got so pissed off and had to hold back the urge to shout.
Tezuka, couldn't you have come up with a more sympathetic comment? Don't you know how you have crushed me so bad before?
“Tezuka, I still love you.” Fuji paused for a moment then continued when no reply came from the other. “Are you disturbed that I say it?”
“Fuji, I thought we’re already clear about this.”
Fuji bit his lips. Those words had somehow put him on the edge of his patience.
“Just answer the question, dammit!”
A few seconds of silence almost drove Fuji mad. He had prepared for this conversation before, but he had never expected it would be so hard to control his emotions. He wondered whether the other felt the same.
“No, I’m not.”
“Does that mean you love me too?”
“Fuji, you are the best thing that I’ve ever had.”
“Yes or no?”
“You are very important to me.”
Fuji hung up. He hated denial.
Tezuka, you idiot. Why is it so hard for you to just admit it?
Fuji sighed. He had understood already that this issue was difficult for Tezuka since he had a very respectable and conservative family. It was really obvious for Fuji because since their time in Seigaku, he had been the only one who was able to understand the inner workings of Tezuka’s mind. It would be pointless regretting Tezuka’s decision. So, He just needed to follow Tezuka’s way. They just had to put on the masks again to hide everything. With this, Fuji decided to leave Japan and went overseas without chasing Tezuka’s shadow.
“I was blessed to meet a very understanding woman like my wife. I was happy with her,” Fuji said softly as he tried to answer the guardian’s question.
“No, you were not.”
Fuji blinked.
“Why?”
“Because if you were happy with your life, you would’ve easily said that you love her.”
“I was happy. If I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t have ended my life’s story perfectly. I wouldn’t have left my world surrounded by my beloved children, grandchildren and friends. I wouldn’t have lived a life this long.”
“But deep inside your heart, that was not the life that you’ve had expected. You needed to make sure of something; that is your real determination. That is why you decided to stop here. You want to get your real happiness in this last chance.”
Fuji was stunned.
“Fuji-san, that person is not your wife, is it?”
Fuji was silent for awhile. He sighed heavily before he finally answered.
“No.”
“Who is this person?”
“He is someone whom I wanted to devote my entire life to.”
“Why couldn’t you be with this person during your life?”
Fuji smiled bitterly.
“There were too many considerations to think of and consequences to bear with. He was the only son in his family and he couldn’t go against the expectations placed upon him. I respected his decision. I thought it would be easier for me to forget him after we were both married. But I was wrong. There was a time when I imagined that we would do things like on those romance movies, like maybe, we would have the courage to break the barrier in the name of love. But that was illogical, and we were anything but illogical. In fact, I found both of us kept on struggling to keep everything normal and perfect until the end. He had never said anything about it but I’ve always been able to feel it. Each time we met, I felt like he had always tried to ask me to wait and understand. So that’s what I’ve been doing.”
“What have both of you been waiting for?”
“We will wait until we are in a world where difference wouldn’t matter anymore, where we wouldn’t have to lie or pretend, that is a world of honesty and sincerity. There would be my final chance to make things clear.”
“Are you sure he will come to you then?”
“He will find me here and we will cross the bridge together.”
The two guardians looked each other and looked back to Fuji with more concern aura.
“Fuji-san, have you ever imagined if the person that you are waiting for might not be looking for you anymore?” Fuji did not answer. “Do you know what will happen to you?”
Suddenly, a long moment of silence was present between them. Fuji was shivering as he glanced at the pale and dim lights floating aimlessly in the darkness.
Tezuka, does the transition world feel this cold?
“I would end up like them.”
The two guardians sighed.
“Well then, Fuji-san. Please enjoy your wait.”
“Thank you.”
Then Fuji continued to wait no matter how much the time he needed since that was the only thing he could do now. This was the last time. Soon, the two guardians started busying themselves by welcoming another spirits. No one stopped and looked at him. No one recognized him and none looked like someone he was waiting for.
Ne, Tezuka, I still remember our first kiss. You’re honest sometimes, you know. I could feel it. And I still remember the way you looked at me. It was gentle and full of adoration. I felt honored to know that I’m the luckiest person to receive such affections from you, even compared to your own family. Those were the things which had kept me strong to play my own role. I’ve never needed words, yet I’ve always understood. Those thousands of messages that you’ve been unconsciously sending me have made me understand that I have to wait. So I will always wait for you, until the time comes for us to make things clear.
*********END**********
OMAKE :
“Fuji.”
That voice was still like what he always remembered, deep yet tender. Fuji turned his head and saw a soul in his elderly features approaching from the darkness. Fuji turned to face the said soul with a genuine smile. As the soul was getting closer, it started to transform. The Grey and thin hair slowly turned into thick messy brown hair that he had been longing for so long. His wrinkled skin smoothened up and that fragile body was slowly getting well-built. Fuji’s smile was getting wider as that person stopped right in front of him, as beautiful as he had always remembered.
“Ne, Tezuka, finally you really look at me.”
“Hn..”
Fuji reached out to touch Tezuka’s face. When was the last time he kissed him? It must have been quite a long, long time ago. How he really longed for this time.
“Ne, Tezuka, I love you,” he said; a genuine smile was adorning his face.
A hint of doubt flashed in Tezuka’s eyes, as he replied “You are the best thing I’ve ever had, Fuji.”
At that statement, Fuji’s face fell. As his smile was faltering, he looked straight into Tezuka’s eyes.
“Don’t you have better words to say? I’m tired of hearing those words from you,” Fuji paused to take a deep breath. Then he continued in a more frustrated tone, “Damn it, Tezuka, would you please stop denying?”
Tezuka lips twitched a little bit, and his eyes softened as he gazed back into Fuji’s eyes.
“I love you too, Fuji. I am sorry for making you wait for this long.”
The confession put Fuji in a daze for a while. Finally, he could hear those words that he had longed all the time. He let out a content sigh and smiled once more.
“Saa, then I don’t really mind to wait.”