Fides Quaerens Intellectus 2/3
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Dean hadn’t improved by Sunday morning, so Lisa was set to load him in the car, call someone to house-sit, and just get down to San Antonio. Sam convinced her to wait until they knew for sure Dean could be seen right away; he argued, and she agreed, that it likely wouldn’t help matters any for them to rush down and then have to wait around for an appointment. Instead, while she started to work on winding up her affairs in Cicero and looking for work and a house in San Antonio, she had Dean start packing up Ben’s room. And she checked on him every half hour or so. Sometimes she’d catch him playing with Ben’s toys but wouldn’t fuss at him. Sometimes he’d be packing methodically, almost robotically. Sometimes she’d happen by just as he tried to do something with his missing left hand, and more often than not, he would slip and hit his stump.
Nothing got injured but his pride, and none of Ben’s things got broken. But once in a while she would find him about to cry from the frustration. Then she’d hold him and let him cry, or not, until the moment passed and he seemed better enough that she could let him go back to work.
Jess spent Monday wrestling with the VA hospital and finally got Dean an appointment with the Polytrauma Center the following Monday. The drive to San Antonio would take two days, and Sam and Lisa agreed that they’d need Sunday to let Dean rest and recover, so Lisa planned to leave first thing Friday morning while Sam and Jess went up to Boise City to pick up Ben. Lisa had been reluctantly prepared to ask her mom to keep Ben a while longer, but Sam rejected the idea as soon as she’d said it.
“No, trust me,” he said. “Dean wouldn’t want you to do that. Besides, Ben’s what, six? He’ll get over a sudden move faster than he’ll get over being stranded at Grandma’s.”
Lisa frowned. “How would you know?”
“’Cause we got both. A lot. Well, I mean, not grandparents, but there was the summer Dad left us at Bobby’s for what should have been two weeks and turned into two months, and... as much as we love Bobby, I was so bored by the end. Got tired of moving around, but if it had been a one-time thing? Would much rather have moved.” He paused. “At least we would have known where Dad was.”
So Lisa called her mom and filled her in, then asked to talk to Ben. She’d checked in with him weekly but hadn’t told him more about Dean than that she’d been spending time with an old friend. So she weighed her words as Ben gave her all of his news.
“You’re coming this weekend, right?” Ben concluded.
Lisa sighed. “No. I’m afraid there’s been a change in plans.”
“You’ve got a boyfriend.” He sounded disappointed.
“It’s a little more than that, sweetheart. You know that old friend I mentioned?”
“Yeah.”
“I found your dad. And I married him.”
He gasped. “Really?!”
“Yup. His name is Dean. He’s a really good guy. I think you’ll like him.”
“Awesome!”
“The only problem, Ben, is that he’s really sick. He needs to live close to a hospital in Texas to get good care. So we’re gonna have to move down there for a while.”
“Oh.” That sounded more stunned.
“I’ll still have the house here until I can sell it, so we can come back for your birthday and you can say goodbye to everybody.”
“Okay.”
“But I won’t be able to come get you on my way down there, so your Uncle Sam and your Aunt Jess are gonna come up on Friday to pick you up. We’ll meet you guys back at their place on Saturday night.”
“Is Dean gonna be okay?”
“I sure hope so, baby.”
“Is it, like, cancer or something?”
“No. He’s a Marine, and he was pretty badly injured in Iraq a few months ago.”
“Oh.” Ben pondered that. “He’s not gonna die, right?”
“No, baby, it’s not that bad. His outsides are all healed up. But he hit his head really hard, and it’s still giving him some trouble. So I’m taking him to the doctor Monday to find out what’s wrong.”
“Okay. He hasn’t got, like, am-am-nee-zha?”
Lisa blinked. “Ben Braeden, have you been watching soap operas?”
He giggled.
“Look, try not to worry about it, okay? He’ll have to go to the doctor a lot, but he’ll get better, sooner or later.”
“Okay. Love you, Mom.”
“Love you, Ben. See you Saturday.”
“Okay. Bye.” And Ben hung up.
Lisa sighed and put down the phone. Then she looked up just in time to see Dean, on his way down the stairs, suddenly stumble on the next to last step, try to catch himself with his left hand, and narrowly miss hitting his head as he slammed into the wall with his left side and landed on his knees on the floor.
“Ow,” he whined as she ran up to him.
“Dean! Dean, are you okay?”
“Hurts.”
“Here, here.” She helped him to his feet and guided him as he limped over to the couch. By the time they got there, she was supporting him more than not; he was clearly having trouble balancing.
“Not s’posed to be a ghost here,” he moaned as she checked him over.
“Where’s here?”
“Your house.”
“Good. No, there’s not a ghost here. You just slipped.”
He grumbled something in Arabic but ended with, “... concussion. Can’t walk straight, can’t think straight.”
“Looks like you twisted your ankle pretty good, but everything else is okay. Gonna have some nasty bruises, though. I’ll get you some aspirin.”
“Thanks, Lis. Sorry ’bout all this.”
“Hey, it’s okay. You just rest.”
But the aspirin didn’t do enough to help, and Dean nearly fell again as she helped him up to bed. By morning, he was in serious pain. Lisa called Jess, who told her where to find the emergency stash of fentanyl patches in Dean’s car and how to administer them but warned her that stoned Dean wouldn’t be much better than he’d been the rest of the weekend. And Sam promised to send help.
Said help arrived in a convoy Wednesday morning while Dean was still asleep. Friends of the family, they introduced themselves as, and a wild bunch they were. Ellen, Jo, and Ash had come out from Nebraska; Bobby had come down from Sioux Falls; Jim, who wore a clerical collar even with what was clearly a work shirt, was from Minnesota; and Rufus... wouldn’t say.
“You guys are hunters, aren’t you?” Lisa asked quietly once they were all inside.
“Don’t mean we can’t handle this job,” Bobby answered gruffly but kindly. “’Sides, the boys are all but family. By extension, so are you.”
Lisa felt almost dizzy with relief. “Thank you.”
The hunters had the house surveyed in minutes and a plan of attack formulated in minutes more. “We won’t pack everything yet,” Ellen declared. “A staged house will sell better than an empty one, and you’re movin’ in with Sam for the time being, so you won’t need a whole house full of stuff right away. Now, your boy’s gonna want his things, so we’ll get that room packed up and sent down first.”
“I’ve got a small van,” Jim added. “Should hold everything just fine. Sam and I can get their spare room set up for Ben before they leave to go get him.”
“Ben’s room’s mostly packed,” Lisa noted. “That should be easy to wrap up today.”
Ellen nodded. “Then we’ll work out what you can leave, what you should take, what you can store. We’ll leave enough here to stage the place and pack up everything else.”
Lisa didn’t know what to say and was perilously close to tears. Ellen just hugged her.
While the men went off to assess the state of Lisa’s packing supplies and Jo and Ellen started plotting the ideal layout for the living room, Lisa went back upstairs to check on Dean. He started calling for her just about the time she reached the top of the stairs, and she got to the doorway just in time to see him sit partway up and look around groggily.
“Hey,” she said as she walked in.
He looked at her blearily. “Where’s Alec?”
“Who’s Alec?”
“’S m’bear.” Dean tried to push himself up further but didn’t seem to notice much when his stump hit the mattress and his left arm crumpled; he just shifted his weight to his right arm. “Can’ fin’ ’im.”
Lisa sat down next to him. “I don’t think you brought a bear, sweetheart.”
“I di’n’? Bu’... m’arm hurts.” He waved his stump a little and went back to looking around near the bed. “Need Alec. Always have Alec. Alec’s m’friend. Goes unner m’elbow.”
“Dean.”
He looked at her. “Huh?”
“Do you know where you are?”
“... Your house?” He sounded unsure.
“That’s right. You know why?”
“’Cause we’re married.” That was plaintive but sure.
She nodded, relieved that he hadn’t forgotten. “That’s right. But you didn’t bring your bear. He’s still at Sam’s house.”
“Home?”
“Mm-hm. Alec’s at home.”
“Bu’... bu’ I need ’im.”
“I’ll get you a pillow, okay?”
He sighed, miserable but resigned, and looked barely older than Ben. “’Kay.”
“C’mon, lie down.”
He lay down, and she went to the hall closet to get a spare pillow. As she returned, Rufus and Ash came up the stairs and went into Ben’s room, talking quietly.
Dean blinked and tried to see what he could without getting up. “You get movers?”
“You could say that,” she replied with a wry smile and tucked the pillow under his arm.
He frowned at it. “Where’s Alec?”
“Alec’s at home with Sam.”
“Sammy?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Sammy’s at home?”
“Yep.”
“When we gonn’ go home?”
She tried not to cry. “Soon. Day after tomorrow.”
“’Kay. Wann’... go home.” He blinked slowly and was out.
She was still trying to fight off tears when a hand landed gently on her back and started rubbing lightly. She looked up to see Bobby standing over her.
“Sam said it was bad,” Bobby confessed. “But I ain’t seen him this bad since he was still in the hospital.”
Lisa lost it.
“Ohhh.” Bobby pulled her to her feet and into a hug. “He’s just goin’ through a rough patch, is all. Don’t give up hope. Those folks at Audie Murphy, they’re the best in the business. They’ll get him fixed up.”
“Bobby, I’m scared.”
“I know.” He hugged her closer. “Lord knows, I’m scared for him, too. But you’re doin’ right by him. So will we. And we’re here for you, too, like I said.”
She just held onto him and cried.
“Hey,” Ash whispered from the doorway. “Y’all okay?”
Bobby sighed. “Got a new job for you, Ash.”
“What’s that?”
“Find John.”
“’M on it.”
Sam and Jess had to scramble a bit to get the room they’d been using as an office cleared out before Pastor Jim arrived Thursday evening. They got Ben’s furniture set up in there Thursday night, but there wasn’t time to get the toys and such unpacked, so since Pastor Jim already had a spare key, Sam and Jess just left him to it and headed on up to the Oklahoma Panhandle as early Friday morning as they could manage. It was a long, hot, dry drive, alleviated mainly by exchanging stories of road trips of yesteryear and what trivia they each knew about some of the places they were driving through. But Jess confessed as they drove through Masterson that she’d never heard “I’m a Ding Dong Daddy from Dumas,” so by the time they got to Dumas, Sam managed to remember all the words and stayed mostly on key as he sang it for her. He wasn’t sure if she laughed more at the song or at his voice.
Mrs. Braeden was coolly polite, and while the fact that Sam and Jess were married, educated, and gainfully employed made a good impression, she still seemed glad they were leaving as early as possible Saturday morning. Ben... well, Sam didn’t remember much of what Dean was like at Ben’s age, having been only two at the time himself, but he couldn’t imagine there being much difference. Ben looked a little more like a young Fred Savage, but that was about it. Once Sam broke the ice with him, it stayed broken. Ben chattered almost non-stop all the way back to San Antonio, about sports, about music, about cars, about life in Cicero, about the time Lisa took him to the Indy 500, about going to three different VBS programs in Boise City and having a blast even though he wasn’t sure he believed “all that Bible stuff.” And when he wasn’t giving information, he was demanding it, especially about Dean.
It was something of a relief to get home, give Ben the five-cent tour of the apartment, and put him to bed. Sam hadn’t been jabbered at so much since the time a possessed Brady got hopped up on meth and wouldn’t. shut. up. Exhausted, he sank into a chair at the dining table and rested his aching forehead on his hands. Jess kissed his temple and set a mug of coffee in front of him.
“What, no beer?”
She chuckled. “Not for you, mister. Lisa’s still about an hour out, and I don’t want you drunk when Dean gets here.”
“I do not get drunk off one beer.”
Her eyes narrowed, and he rolled his and drank the coffee.
Jess was probably right, though, he reflected as the caffeine did its work. If Lisa was having to manhandle Dean in and out of the car every time they stopped, she’d probably be dead on her feet by the time she got in. And as tired as Sam had been, a beer might well have put him straight to sleep.
Ben was quiet, though Sam had his doubts about whether the boy was actually asleep, by the time Lisa called from the gate. Sam gave her the gate code and directions to get through the parking lot, then met her outside with Dean’s wheelchair. She did look pretty done in when she got out of the car.
“Sam?” she asked.
He smiled. “Hey, Lisa.” Then he walked up to her and pulled her into a hug; she looked like she needed one.
She sighed and sagged against him for a moment. “I think next time we’ll just fly.”
“Not if Dean can help it. He hates flying.”
She chuckled and pulled back. “He’s asleep in the front, has been since we got supper in Austin. He hasn’t needed a pain patch today, but....”
“Still pretty out of it?”
“Yeah. Not rambly, just zoned.”
“Okay. Ben’s in bed, but I don’t know if he’s asleep. I can get Dean if you want to go on in.”
She nodded. “Thanks.”
He hugged her again quickly. “Glad you’re here.”
“Me, too.” She smiled up at him and went inside.
Dean roused a little as Sam lifted him out of the car and into the wheelchair, but he didn’t actually wake up until he felt the vibration of the wheelchair crossing the threshold. He straightened and looked around while Sam closed the door, but Sam couldn’t tell how much he was actually registering.
So Sam came around the front of the wheelchair and knelt down to be in Dean’s line of sight. “Hey, Dean.”
“Sammy?” The glazed look in Dean’s eyes was somewhere between sleepy and stoned. He tried to reach for Sam with his missing left hand first but failed to make contact.
“Yeah. Hi.”
Dean succeeded in patting Sam’s cheek with his right hand and gave him a loopy smile. “Hi. ’M I home?”
“Yeah. You’re home.”
“’S Lis here?”
“Yeah, she’s talking to Ben right now, but she’ll be back in a minute.”
“Y’meet her?”
“I did. She’s pretty.”
“W’re married.”
“I know, dude. That’s awesome.”
Dean nodded, and his eyelids started to droop shut.
“Here. I’ll get you to bed.”
“’Kay.”
Dean nodded off again briefly as Sam pushed him into his bedroom, but he woke up when Sam started getting him changed for bed. That much he insisted on doing for himself. But he didn’t object when Sam started to help him into bed, though he did surprise Sam by heading around to the opposite side of the bed from where he’d normally slept before.
“Dean? Don’t you....”
Dean shook his head. “Lisa sleeps there.”
Sam shrugged and helped Dean get settled. As he did so, it finally occurred to him how odd it had been for the Moores to pick out a double bed for Dean’s room. At the time, he had assumed they couldn’t find a twin in the adjustable style, but now... now he wondered if Cas, or someone else, hadn’t been planning this move even then.
Dean smiled sleepily as Sam tucked Alec under Dean’s left elbow. “Missed you, Sasquatch.”
Sam smiled back. “Missed you, too, Dean. Get some sleep, okay?”
Dean nodded and drifted off.
Sam sighed and turned the lights out on his way out of the room. He returned to the living room to find Jess giving Lisa a supportive hug. Giving Jess’s shoulder a squeeze as he passed, he went back outside to unload and lock up the Impala. The duffle he pulled out of the back seat was one Dean probably had left in the trunk by accident when he left the car with Bobby before enlisting, or else Cas had put it there for him. Sam was quite sure Dean hadn’t left with a bag, and he now knew Dean wouldn’t have been with it enough to buy himself new clothes when he realized how far from home he was. Lisa’s suitcase was in the trunk, which gave Sam the chance to double-check the arsenal and make sure everything there was secure before he went inside.
Jess was giving Lisa the grand tour of the kitchen when Sam came in again. He took the luggage straight into Dean’s room, made sure to set Lisa’s suitcase where it would be visible from the door, and moved the wheelchair out of the traffic path so she wouldn’t stumble over it when she came in. Then he checked on Dean again and came back out to find Jess on the couch nursing a soda.
“Hey,” he said quietly as he sat down next to her. “Where’s Lisa?”
“Bathroom.” Jess leaned against him. “How’s Dean?”
He sighed and put an arm around her shoulders. “Concussed.”
She nodded and sighed herself.
“But he’s asleep now. Guess we’ll see how things stand in the morning.”
She nodded again.
“Just soda?”
“For now, yeah.”
He kissed her cheek, and she leaned into him a little more but didn’t really relax. And there they sat for several minutes until they heard the door to Dean’s bathroom open, followed by the sound of Lisa sniffling.
Both Sam and Jess sat up as Lisa walked into the room slowly, clearly fighting tears. Then Jess set her soda down, stood up, and intercepted Lisa with a hug.
“And?” she prompted quietly.
Lisa nodded and started crying.
“Hey.” Jess rubbed Lisa’s back gently. “It’s okay. We’re here for you. You’re not alone this time.”
And suddenly Sam realized just why Lisa had been in the bathroom so long. When Jess would have stashed a pregnancy test in there, he didn’t know, but she clearly had, and Lisa had clearly just used it.
“How far along are you?” he asked.
Lisa sniffled and shook her head as she pulled back from Jess. “It’s not that specific, just a yes or no. G-guess I’ll have to find a doctor down here myself.”
“I’ll set you up at the clinic where I work,” Jess offered. “Dean’s disability rating may be high enough for you to get benefits through the VA, but until we find out for sure....”
Lisa chuckled. “Not sure I’d be comfortable seeing an Army doctor anyway.”
Sam stood and walked over to them. “Y’know, Jess is right. As usual.”
“Of course,” Jess teased, and Lisa chuckled again.
Sam smiled at her but continued addressing Lisa. “As crazy as all this is... I mean, marriage, baby, move, Dean... it’s a lot, I know. But we’re here for you. You’re family now.”
Lisa hugged him. “Thanks, Sam.”
How Sam managed to sleep that night, he wasn’t sure. It was probably sheer exhaustion. Even so, he and Jess were up fairly early the next morning and got to work preparing breakfast for five instead of just two.
“Didn’t even think to ask what Ben and Lisa like,” he sighed as he examined the contents of the fridge.
“Ben is Dean’s son,” she replied flatly. “What do you think they like?”
After a pause, he pulled out the bacon and eggs.
Breakfast was just about ready when Sam heard quiet voices in Dean’s room. He finished preparing Dean’s plate and stepped out of the kitchen just as Dean came out of his room, limping a bit and looking sleep-rumpled and somewhat disoriented but much clearer-eyed than he’d been the night before.
Sam didn’t have to say anything before Dean spotted him and lit up like a Christmas tree. “Sammy?!”
Sam smiled. “Morning.”
And suddenly he had his arms full of big brother, who grabbed a handful of the back of Sam’s shirt and held on for dear life. “I’m home,” he said into Sam’s shoulder after a moment. “I’m home. Thank God. I thought I was losin’ my mind.”
“Wasn’t sure you ever had it,” Sam jibed while trying not to squeeze tight enough to actually crack a rib.
“Ha. Funny, Sam.”
Once they’d thumped each other’s backs and let go, Dean moved on to Jess, who’d come up behind Sam, and gave her the same kind of desperate hug. “Jess, it’s so good to see you.”
“Ohhh, missed you, too, Dean. You really had us worried.”
He released her. “Hell, you were worried? I think I remember five days out of the last month. How long I been back?”
“You got in last night.”
He nodded. “Okay. Okay, good. What day is it?”
“Sunday,” Sam informed him. “And we got you in with the VA hospital first thing tomorrow.”
Dean visibly relaxed. “Good. You guys got any guess as to what’s goin’ on?”
Jess shook her head. “It’s got something to do with the TBI, I’m sure, but what’s causing these symptoms and why now....”
“Some kind of short in the wiring, huh?”
“Well, you were pretty sick for a while,” Lisa added, coming up to them. “The fever wasn’t high enough to make you hallucinate, but I’m sure it didn’t help.”
“No. No, it wouldn’t have.” Dean looked her over and fiddled briefly with the wedding ring on his right ring finger.
Before Lisa could say anything else, Ben’s door opened. She hurried past the other adults to intercept him, but Sam watched Dean watch her, his eyes wide as he took in mother and son. And the whirring of Dean’s mental wheels as he made connections was almost audible.
Lisa gave Ben a quick kiss good morning and whispered to him for a moment, then put a hand on his shoulder and guided him toward Dean. “This is Ben,” she said, since Ben was staring up at Dean in open-mouthed awe and wasn’t likely to introduce himself.
Dean nodded twice, pulled himself together, and strode forward, hand extended. “Ben. Corporal Dean Winchester, United States Marine Corps. Glad to know you.”
Ben dutifully shook Dean’s hand. “Hi. What happened to your hand?”
“I got blown up in Iraq. They had to cut it off.”
“Oh.” Ben paused. “The thing that’s always worried me about being one of the few is the way we keep on getting fewer.”
Lisa was taken aback, but Dean’s eyebrows went up before he broke into a grin. “Dude. You’re awesome.”
Ben returned the grin with a giggle.
“Ben, where did you see The Longest Day?” Lisa asked.
“At Trevor’s house,” Ben confessed. “His dad gots lotsa war movies.”
“Has,” all of the adults corrected at the same time, and the brothers continued with the same cadence they’d been using since Dean first received the same lesson at about Ben’s age, “Gots is not a word.”
Ben grimaced. “Sorry.”
Lisa looked skeptical. “Oh, you’re sorry for that but not sorry for watching movies with Trevor that you know I don’t want you to watch?”
“But, Mooom....”
“Hey,” Dean interrupted, crouching down to look Ben in the eye. “I know all the explosions and such look cool on the screen. But I’ve lived it, and I know why your mom doesn’t want you watching that stuff yet. War is hell. You’re a kid. You don’t need to be thinkin’ about those things right now.”
Ben nodded reluctantly. “Yes, sir.”
Dean put his hand on Ben’s other shoulder. “Your mom tell you we got married?”
Ben nodded.
“I’m afraid I can’t remember what all she said about you, but you look like a pretty good kid to me. Think we’re gonna have a good time.”
Ben looked skeptical. “Can we go fishing?”
“Sure. Not today, but maybe when I’m good to drive, we could go up to Canyon Lake, go camping.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Maybe go to a few ballgames now and then.”
“There’s a baseball team here?”
“Yeah, minor league, think they’re a Double-A Padres affiliate. ’Course, there’s the Spurs, too, for basketball.”
“And soccer?”
Dean shook his head with a smile. “Have to ask your Uncle Sammy about that one, dude. Soccer’s his game. You like cars?”
Ben nodded.
“Well, when you’re old enough, I’ll teach you how to take care of mine.”
Ben looked at Dean steadily for a moment, then hugged him. Dean chuckled and hugged him back. Lisa, resting her left hand on her stomach, moved toward Dean’s left side as he let Ben go and stood, so he hooked his left arm around her shoulders, noticed where her hand was, and twined his fingers with hers with a gentle smile. She blushed, and he kissed her temple.
“Are you gonna be okay, Dean?” Ben asked.
Dean smiled down at him. “I’m home with my family, son. I couldn’t be better.”
Jess and Sam leaned into each other much as Dean and Lisa were doing, unable to keep from smiling. Dean had a point.
Then Ben ended the moment with a decisive, “Good, ’cause I’m hungry.”
Everyone laughed.
Yet the moment wasn’t quite over. After breakfast, when Ben had gone off to play in his room for a while and Sam and Jess were working on cleanup in the kitchen, Sam glanced up to see Lisa looking out the living room windows with her hand on her stomach again and Dean coming up beside her.
“Hey,” Dean said quietly, covering her hand with his.
“Hey,” she returned.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was blackmailing you.”
“Aw, Lis.” He pulled her into a hug.
Jess nudged Sam and hissed, “Don’t stare.”
So Sam got back to work, but for the first time since the whole mess started, he thought Cas might have a point after all.
The Audie Murphy VA Hospital was just a few blocks from where Jess worked, and she had gotten permission for Ben to tag along with her for the day. Given the number of appointments and meetings Dean had scheduled for the day and Sam’s uncertainty about exactly how their schedule would match up with Dean’s, however, they decided to take separate vehicles and try to meet up for lunch. Ben rode in the Impala with Dean and Lisa on the way to the clinic, and since they were all in the back seat and Sam was driving, there was a lot of good-natured teasing about Sam being the family chauffeur.
Then Dean, Sam, and Lisa went on to the hospital, where Dean insisted that both his brother and his wife be allowed to accompany him for the initial assessment and the care team meeting, at minimum. Sam and Lisa had to wait while Dean got whisked off for a CAT scan and whatnot, but they were allowed to go with him into the examining room, where the wisdom of Dean’s insistence was proven by the number of times he answered a question with “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” and Sam or Lisa had to fill in blanks about what had happened over the last month, skipping over the details about the hunt and characterizing it only as an urgent research question for their family business. The doctor pried a little, but she seemed to accept the explanation Sam came up with on the fly.
Finally, Dr. Gutierrez asked, “Now, other than this spill at Lisa’s house, has Dean hit his head recently?”
Lisa shook her head. “Not while he’s been with me.”
Sam frowned. “Wait a minute. He fell out of bed on Memorial Day-but I didn’t think he’d hit his head. Did you?” he asked Dean.
Wide-eyed, Dean shook his head. “Dude, I do not remember that at all.”
Dr. Gutierrez nodded. “Well, the CAT scan shows some fairly recent bruising-not much, but enough that it could potentially trigger that kind of confusion. Memorial Day would just about fit.”
“But what about the second round? The one after I got sick?”
“Yeah,” Sam chimed in. “I asked Dean specifically if he’d fallen, and he said no.”
“That’s true,” Lisa agreed. “And he didn’t look like he’d fallen when I found him.”
Dr. Gutierrez shrugged. “Well, they call it polytrauma for a reason. And with a brain injury, we might not be looking only at obvious physical causes. Do you know anything about what happened between the time you last spoke to him and the time Lisa found him?”
Sam looked at Dean and swallowed hard, wondering how much to say.
“Sam,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I don’t remember. If you know somethin’, say it, no matter what it was.”
Sam ran a hand over his mouth and turned back to Dr. Gutierrez. “Dean had... just gotten some bad news. He’d been close to a little girl over there, and she was killed by a landmine after he was injured.”
Dean’s hand gripped the bed so hard, his knuckles turned white, and his voice shook when he spoke. “Sora? S-Sora’s dead?”
Sam turned back to him and nodded. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”
Dean exploded with what Sam assumed was the harshest Kurdish expletive he knew. “I shoulda been there. I shoulda saved her.” Tears welled up in his eyes, and Sam could tell he was on the brink of another relapse.
Sam shot out of his chair and grabbed Dean by the shoulders. “Dean. Listen to me. You wouldn’t have been there anyway. She was with Fox Company; Echo Company was across town.”
“She shouldn’t have been there at all, Sammy! I shoulda done something!” A tear fell, and Dean’s eyes were beginning to go glassy.
Sam shook him a little. “Dean. Remember what Cas said.”
“What?”
“What Cas told us, at Christmas, about what might have been. About why he’s here.” Sam suddenly sensed another presence in the room, possibly Cas but probably not, and he prayed that if it was friendly, it would help Dean remember so Sam wouldn’t have to repeat the conversation about alternate timelines and the Apocalypse in front of a doctor who really didn’t need to think they were a family of religious nuts.
Dean drew in a ragged breath as Lisa came up beside him, on his left, and started rubbing his back, and another tear escaped. “Y-you’re sayin’....”
“There was nothing. you. could have done.”
Dean stared at him for a moment, still wavering, still fighting the tears and losing, then turned his head a little toward Lisa. “You s-shouldn’ta married me, Lis.”
“Why not?” Lisa asked, more challenging than curious.
Dean raised his voice as he declared, “Because I fail everyone I love.”
The room was silent for a long moment after that bombshell, and Dean closed his eyes and ran his hand over his nose and mouth like he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But he didn’t take it back.
Then Lisa moved her hand up to Dean’s shoulder, and Sam took the cue and moved to sit on the bed to Dean’s right while she stepped around in front of him and cupped his face in both hands so he had to look at her. “Hey. You asked me, remember? You asked me if I was sure.”
Dean let out a shaky breath. “Yeah. I remember.”
“You remember what I said?”
“‘F-f-f-for life.’”
“For life,” she repeated. “For better or worse and all that jazz.” Dean tried to pull away and duck his head, but she tightened her grip. “Hey. Look at me. I chose you, remember? I want you.”
“You could do so much better, Lis.”
“I don’t want better. I want you. You’re stuck with me, bucko.”
“I’ll let you down.”
“And I’ll let you down. And we’ll get over it, because that’s what married people do.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Well, hell,” Sam chimed in. “I married up. Why shouldn’t you?” And he nudged Dean’s shoulder.
That did it. Dean chuckled, and so did Lisa, who wiped his tears away with her thumbs and kissed him. The presence Sam had been sensing backed away. And even as he smiled, Sam knew they’d averted another crisis.
“You gonna be okay now?” Lisa asked, rubbing a thumb over Dean’s cheek.
He nodded and hugged her. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“Mm-hm,” said Dr. Gutierrez. “That’s what I thought.”
Lisa moved out of the way and stood beside Dean again so they could all see the doctor at the same time.
Dean cleared his throat and pulled himself together. “Uh. What-how do you mean?”
Dr. Gutierrez spread her hands. “Let’s expand the timeline a little here. The Medical Review Board decides Dean should be medically retired. The rehab he’s been getting over at Brooke comes to an end. For whatever reason-bureaucratic snafu, physician assessment, act of God, I don’t know-the transition over here isn’t immediate. The routine he’s had goes away, and there isn’t another to replace it. He’s lost a limb. He’s lost his job. He’s already somewhat adrift. Then he falls. Maybe he hits his head, maybe he’s just jarred, but it’s enough to cloud his mind. And maybe he’s already getting sick.
“So he goes for a drive. Nothing unusual about that. But now he’s out of a familiar environment. He starts to drift; he’s getting lost. It’s a miracle he runs into an old girlfriend who can take care of him.”
More so than you know, Sam thought but didn’t say.
“Then he gets sick. When he’s better, he’s not at home, but he’s in a familiar place with someone he knows and cares about, and that’s enough. He’s happy. He’s doing better. He gets married. Then bam-he gets the bad news about Sora. He’s grieving; he’s got regrets. And with a brain injury, whatever coping mechanisms he had before to deal with that kind of grief maybe aren’t there. He gets a little lost again. The phantom limb starts acting up. Then he falls. Now we’re getting into a feedback loop. Maybe the grief was causing some physical aches and pains already, and now he’s got a twisted ankle and some new bruises to go along with them, which makes him feel worse emotionally, and that probably sets off his other injuries. He does truly need the pain meds, but that doesn’t help him think any better. And so it goes. Then he’s on the road again, more disorientation. And then he’s home; he’s with his family; he’s happy; and he’s better. Today he gets the reminder about Sora and we almost lose him again. Now, we can talk all we want about the physical injuries, but there’s an elephant in the room that’s the key to this whole mess.” Dr. Gutierrez paused. “Lady and gentlemen, my patient is depressed.”
Sam, Dean, and Lisa looked at each other in bewilderment.
Dr. Gutierrez went on to explain what clinical depression is, how it differs from a simple matter of feeling sad or thinking negative thoughts, and how it can affect cognitive ability and physical comfort even in patients in otherwise perfect health. Then she ran through some of the ways Dean’s injuries could make matters worse, especially the concussion. “We’ll have to tackle this from several angles at once,” she concluded, “and we’ll go through all that at the team meeting this afternoon. But I feel confident that a low-dose antidepressant will help, at least in the short term. Now, when’s the last time Dean had a pain patch?”
Lisa thought back. “Um, Thursday morning. The pain seemed to calm down after that.”
Dr. Gutierrez nodded as she did the math. “All right, I’m going to write a prescription; you can get it filled at the pharmacy here before you leave. But wait until tomorrow to start him on it. I want to make sure all the fentanyl’s out of his system.”
All three Winchesters nodded their understanding.
There was some other discussion about the antidepressant, what to expect at the afternoon meeting, and some of the other treatment avenues like cognitive behavioral therapy and, yes, yoga that they would be trying. But to a large extent, Sam was still trying to get his head around using Dean and clinical depression in the same sentence. He was absurdly grateful to finally have answers, but he had no clue whether they’d have gotten those answers had it not been for that one moment when Dean had blurted out the truth about how he felt. Sam sure hadn’t seen the signs himself, and he didn’t think Jess had, either.
Whatever was here, he prayed silently, whatever got that out of him, thank you.
Then, as they thanked Dr. Gutierrez and got ready to leave, Sam stuck his hand in his pocket-and found a lollipop that hadn’t been there when he’d walked in.
Next
Dean hadn’t improved by Sunday morning, so Lisa was set to load him in the car, call someone to house-sit, and just get down to San Antonio. Sam convinced her to wait until they knew for sure Dean could be seen right away; he argued, and she agreed, that it likely wouldn’t help matters any for them to rush down and then have to wait around for an appointment. Instead, while she started to work on winding up her affairs in Cicero and looking for work and a house in San Antonio, she had Dean start packing up Ben’s room. And she checked on him every half hour or so. Sometimes she’d catch him playing with Ben’s toys but wouldn’t fuss at him. Sometimes he’d be packing methodically, almost robotically. Sometimes she’d happen by just as he tried to do something with his missing left hand, and more often than not, he would slip and hit his stump.
Nothing got injured but his pride, and none of Ben’s things got broken. But once in a while she would find him about to cry from the frustration. Then she’d hold him and let him cry, or not, until the moment passed and he seemed better enough that she could let him go back to work.
Jess spent Monday wrestling with the VA hospital and finally got Dean an appointment with the Polytrauma Center the following Monday. The drive to San Antonio would take two days, and Sam and Lisa agreed that they’d need Sunday to let Dean rest and recover, so Lisa planned to leave first thing Friday morning while Sam and Jess went up to Boise City to pick up Ben. Lisa had been reluctantly prepared to ask her mom to keep Ben a while longer, but Sam rejected the idea as soon as she’d said it.
“No, trust me,” he said. “Dean wouldn’t want you to do that. Besides, Ben’s what, six? He’ll get over a sudden move faster than he’ll get over being stranded at Grandma’s.”
Lisa frowned. “How would you know?”
“’Cause we got both. A lot. Well, I mean, not grandparents, but there was the summer Dad left us at Bobby’s for what should have been two weeks and turned into two months, and... as much as we love Bobby, I was so bored by the end. Got tired of moving around, but if it had been a one-time thing? Would much rather have moved.” He paused. “At least we would have known where Dad was.”
So Lisa called her mom and filled her in, then asked to talk to Ben. She’d checked in with him weekly but hadn’t told him more about Dean than that she’d been spending time with an old friend. So she weighed her words as Ben gave her all of his news.
“You’re coming this weekend, right?” Ben concluded.
Lisa sighed. “No. I’m afraid there’s been a change in plans.”
“You’ve got a boyfriend.” He sounded disappointed.
“It’s a little more than that, sweetheart. You know that old friend I mentioned?”
“Yeah.”
“I found your dad. And I married him.”
He gasped. “Really?!”
“Yup. His name is Dean. He’s a really good guy. I think you’ll like him.”
“Awesome!”
“The only problem, Ben, is that he’s really sick. He needs to live close to a hospital in Texas to get good care. So we’re gonna have to move down there for a while.”
“Oh.” That sounded more stunned.
“I’ll still have the house here until I can sell it, so we can come back for your birthday and you can say goodbye to everybody.”
“Okay.”
“But I won’t be able to come get you on my way down there, so your Uncle Sam and your Aunt Jess are gonna come up on Friday to pick you up. We’ll meet you guys back at their place on Saturday night.”
“Is Dean gonna be okay?”
“I sure hope so, baby.”
“Is it, like, cancer or something?”
“No. He’s a Marine, and he was pretty badly injured in Iraq a few months ago.”
“Oh.” Ben pondered that. “He’s not gonna die, right?”
“No, baby, it’s not that bad. His outsides are all healed up. But he hit his head really hard, and it’s still giving him some trouble. So I’m taking him to the doctor Monday to find out what’s wrong.”
“Okay. He hasn’t got, like, am-am-nee-zha?”
Lisa blinked. “Ben Braeden, have you been watching soap operas?”
He giggled.
“Look, try not to worry about it, okay? He’ll have to go to the doctor a lot, but he’ll get better, sooner or later.”
“Okay. Love you, Mom.”
“Love you, Ben. See you Saturday.”
“Okay. Bye.” And Ben hung up.
Lisa sighed and put down the phone. Then she looked up just in time to see Dean, on his way down the stairs, suddenly stumble on the next to last step, try to catch himself with his left hand, and narrowly miss hitting his head as he slammed into the wall with his left side and landed on his knees on the floor.
“Ow,” he whined as she ran up to him.
“Dean! Dean, are you okay?”
“Hurts.”
“Here, here.” She helped him to his feet and guided him as he limped over to the couch. By the time they got there, she was supporting him more than not; he was clearly having trouble balancing.
“Not s’posed to be a ghost here,” he moaned as she checked him over.
“Where’s here?”
“Your house.”
“Good. No, there’s not a ghost here. You just slipped.”
He grumbled something in Arabic but ended with, “... concussion. Can’t walk straight, can’t think straight.”
“Looks like you twisted your ankle pretty good, but everything else is okay. Gonna have some nasty bruises, though. I’ll get you some aspirin.”
“Thanks, Lis. Sorry ’bout all this.”
“Hey, it’s okay. You just rest.”
But the aspirin didn’t do enough to help, and Dean nearly fell again as she helped him up to bed. By morning, he was in serious pain. Lisa called Jess, who told her where to find the emergency stash of fentanyl patches in Dean’s car and how to administer them but warned her that stoned Dean wouldn’t be much better than he’d been the rest of the weekend. And Sam promised to send help.
Said help arrived in a convoy Wednesday morning while Dean was still asleep. Friends of the family, they introduced themselves as, and a wild bunch they were. Ellen, Jo, and Ash had come out from Nebraska; Bobby had come down from Sioux Falls; Jim, who wore a clerical collar even with what was clearly a work shirt, was from Minnesota; and Rufus... wouldn’t say.
“You guys are hunters, aren’t you?” Lisa asked quietly once they were all inside.
“Don’t mean we can’t handle this job,” Bobby answered gruffly but kindly. “’Sides, the boys are all but family. By extension, so are you.”
Lisa felt almost dizzy with relief. “Thank you.”
The hunters had the house surveyed in minutes and a plan of attack formulated in minutes more. “We won’t pack everything yet,” Ellen declared. “A staged house will sell better than an empty one, and you’re movin’ in with Sam for the time being, so you won’t need a whole house full of stuff right away. Now, your boy’s gonna want his things, so we’ll get that room packed up and sent down first.”
“I’ve got a small van,” Jim added. “Should hold everything just fine. Sam and I can get their spare room set up for Ben before they leave to go get him.”
“Ben’s room’s mostly packed,” Lisa noted. “That should be easy to wrap up today.”
Ellen nodded. “Then we’ll work out what you can leave, what you should take, what you can store. We’ll leave enough here to stage the place and pack up everything else.”
Lisa didn’t know what to say and was perilously close to tears. Ellen just hugged her.
While the men went off to assess the state of Lisa’s packing supplies and Jo and Ellen started plotting the ideal layout for the living room, Lisa went back upstairs to check on Dean. He started calling for her just about the time she reached the top of the stairs, and she got to the doorway just in time to see him sit partway up and look around groggily.
“Hey,” she said as she walked in.
He looked at her blearily. “Where’s Alec?”
“Who’s Alec?”
“’S m’bear.” Dean tried to push himself up further but didn’t seem to notice much when his stump hit the mattress and his left arm crumpled; he just shifted his weight to his right arm. “Can’ fin’ ’im.”
Lisa sat down next to him. “I don’t think you brought a bear, sweetheart.”
“I di’n’? Bu’... m’arm hurts.” He waved his stump a little and went back to looking around near the bed. “Need Alec. Always have Alec. Alec’s m’friend. Goes unner m’elbow.”
“Dean.”
He looked at her. “Huh?”
“Do you know where you are?”
“... Your house?” He sounded unsure.
“That’s right. You know why?”
“’Cause we’re married.” That was plaintive but sure.
She nodded, relieved that he hadn’t forgotten. “That’s right. But you didn’t bring your bear. He’s still at Sam’s house.”
“Home?”
“Mm-hm. Alec’s at home.”
“Bu’... bu’ I need ’im.”
“I’ll get you a pillow, okay?”
He sighed, miserable but resigned, and looked barely older than Ben. “’Kay.”
“C’mon, lie down.”
He lay down, and she went to the hall closet to get a spare pillow. As she returned, Rufus and Ash came up the stairs and went into Ben’s room, talking quietly.
Dean blinked and tried to see what he could without getting up. “You get movers?”
“You could say that,” she replied with a wry smile and tucked the pillow under his arm.
He frowned at it. “Where’s Alec?”
“Alec’s at home with Sam.”
“Sammy?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Sammy’s at home?”
“Yep.”
“When we gonn’ go home?”
She tried not to cry. “Soon. Day after tomorrow.”
“’Kay. Wann’... go home.” He blinked slowly and was out.
She was still trying to fight off tears when a hand landed gently on her back and started rubbing lightly. She looked up to see Bobby standing over her.
“Sam said it was bad,” Bobby confessed. “But I ain’t seen him this bad since he was still in the hospital.”
Lisa lost it.
“Ohhh.” Bobby pulled her to her feet and into a hug. “He’s just goin’ through a rough patch, is all. Don’t give up hope. Those folks at Audie Murphy, they’re the best in the business. They’ll get him fixed up.”
“Bobby, I’m scared.”
“I know.” He hugged her closer. “Lord knows, I’m scared for him, too. But you’re doin’ right by him. So will we. And we’re here for you, too, like I said.”
She just held onto him and cried.
“Hey,” Ash whispered from the doorway. “Y’all okay?”
Bobby sighed. “Got a new job for you, Ash.”
“What’s that?”
“Find John.”
“’M on it.”
Sam and Jess had to scramble a bit to get the room they’d been using as an office cleared out before Pastor Jim arrived Thursday evening. They got Ben’s furniture set up in there Thursday night, but there wasn’t time to get the toys and such unpacked, so since Pastor Jim already had a spare key, Sam and Jess just left him to it and headed on up to the Oklahoma Panhandle as early Friday morning as they could manage. It was a long, hot, dry drive, alleviated mainly by exchanging stories of road trips of yesteryear and what trivia they each knew about some of the places they were driving through. But Jess confessed as they drove through Masterson that she’d never heard “I’m a Ding Dong Daddy from Dumas,” so by the time they got to Dumas, Sam managed to remember all the words and stayed mostly on key as he sang it for her. He wasn’t sure if she laughed more at the song or at his voice.
Mrs. Braeden was coolly polite, and while the fact that Sam and Jess were married, educated, and gainfully employed made a good impression, she still seemed glad they were leaving as early as possible Saturday morning. Ben... well, Sam didn’t remember much of what Dean was like at Ben’s age, having been only two at the time himself, but he couldn’t imagine there being much difference. Ben looked a little more like a young Fred Savage, but that was about it. Once Sam broke the ice with him, it stayed broken. Ben chattered almost non-stop all the way back to San Antonio, about sports, about music, about cars, about life in Cicero, about the time Lisa took him to the Indy 500, about going to three different VBS programs in Boise City and having a blast even though he wasn’t sure he believed “all that Bible stuff.” And when he wasn’t giving information, he was demanding it, especially about Dean.
It was something of a relief to get home, give Ben the five-cent tour of the apartment, and put him to bed. Sam hadn’t been jabbered at so much since the time a possessed Brady got hopped up on meth and wouldn’t. shut. up. Exhausted, he sank into a chair at the dining table and rested his aching forehead on his hands. Jess kissed his temple and set a mug of coffee in front of him.
“What, no beer?”
She chuckled. “Not for you, mister. Lisa’s still about an hour out, and I don’t want you drunk when Dean gets here.”
“I do not get drunk off one beer.”
Her eyes narrowed, and he rolled his and drank the coffee.
Jess was probably right, though, he reflected as the caffeine did its work. If Lisa was having to manhandle Dean in and out of the car every time they stopped, she’d probably be dead on her feet by the time she got in. And as tired as Sam had been, a beer might well have put him straight to sleep.
Ben was quiet, though Sam had his doubts about whether the boy was actually asleep, by the time Lisa called from the gate. Sam gave her the gate code and directions to get through the parking lot, then met her outside with Dean’s wheelchair. She did look pretty done in when she got out of the car.
“Sam?” she asked.
He smiled. “Hey, Lisa.” Then he walked up to her and pulled her into a hug; she looked like she needed one.
She sighed and sagged against him for a moment. “I think next time we’ll just fly.”
“Not if Dean can help it. He hates flying.”
She chuckled and pulled back. “He’s asleep in the front, has been since we got supper in Austin. He hasn’t needed a pain patch today, but....”
“Still pretty out of it?”
“Yeah. Not rambly, just zoned.”
“Okay. Ben’s in bed, but I don’t know if he’s asleep. I can get Dean if you want to go on in.”
She nodded. “Thanks.”
He hugged her again quickly. “Glad you’re here.”
“Me, too.” She smiled up at him and went inside.
Dean roused a little as Sam lifted him out of the car and into the wheelchair, but he didn’t actually wake up until he felt the vibration of the wheelchair crossing the threshold. He straightened and looked around while Sam closed the door, but Sam couldn’t tell how much he was actually registering.
So Sam came around the front of the wheelchair and knelt down to be in Dean’s line of sight. “Hey, Dean.”
“Sammy?” The glazed look in Dean’s eyes was somewhere between sleepy and stoned. He tried to reach for Sam with his missing left hand first but failed to make contact.
“Yeah. Hi.”
Dean succeeded in patting Sam’s cheek with his right hand and gave him a loopy smile. “Hi. ’M I home?”
“Yeah. You’re home.”
“’S Lis here?”
“Yeah, she’s talking to Ben right now, but she’ll be back in a minute.”
“Y’meet her?”
“I did. She’s pretty.”
“W’re married.”
“I know, dude. That’s awesome.”
Dean nodded, and his eyelids started to droop shut.
“Here. I’ll get you to bed.”
“’Kay.”
Dean nodded off again briefly as Sam pushed him into his bedroom, but he woke up when Sam started getting him changed for bed. That much he insisted on doing for himself. But he didn’t object when Sam started to help him into bed, though he did surprise Sam by heading around to the opposite side of the bed from where he’d normally slept before.
“Dean? Don’t you....”
Dean shook his head. “Lisa sleeps there.”
Sam shrugged and helped Dean get settled. As he did so, it finally occurred to him how odd it had been for the Moores to pick out a double bed for Dean’s room. At the time, he had assumed they couldn’t find a twin in the adjustable style, but now... now he wondered if Cas, or someone else, hadn’t been planning this move even then.
Dean smiled sleepily as Sam tucked Alec under Dean’s left elbow. “Missed you, Sasquatch.”
Sam smiled back. “Missed you, too, Dean. Get some sleep, okay?”
Dean nodded and drifted off.
Sam sighed and turned the lights out on his way out of the room. He returned to the living room to find Jess giving Lisa a supportive hug. Giving Jess’s shoulder a squeeze as he passed, he went back outside to unload and lock up the Impala. The duffle he pulled out of the back seat was one Dean probably had left in the trunk by accident when he left the car with Bobby before enlisting, or else Cas had put it there for him. Sam was quite sure Dean hadn’t left with a bag, and he now knew Dean wouldn’t have been with it enough to buy himself new clothes when he realized how far from home he was. Lisa’s suitcase was in the trunk, which gave Sam the chance to double-check the arsenal and make sure everything there was secure before he went inside.
Jess was giving Lisa the grand tour of the kitchen when Sam came in again. He took the luggage straight into Dean’s room, made sure to set Lisa’s suitcase where it would be visible from the door, and moved the wheelchair out of the traffic path so she wouldn’t stumble over it when she came in. Then he checked on Dean again and came back out to find Jess on the couch nursing a soda.
“Hey,” he said quietly as he sat down next to her. “Where’s Lisa?”
“Bathroom.” Jess leaned against him. “How’s Dean?”
He sighed and put an arm around her shoulders. “Concussed.”
She nodded and sighed herself.
“But he’s asleep now. Guess we’ll see how things stand in the morning.”
She nodded again.
“Just soda?”
“For now, yeah.”
He kissed her cheek, and she leaned into him a little more but didn’t really relax. And there they sat for several minutes until they heard the door to Dean’s bathroom open, followed by the sound of Lisa sniffling.
Both Sam and Jess sat up as Lisa walked into the room slowly, clearly fighting tears. Then Jess set her soda down, stood up, and intercepted Lisa with a hug.
“And?” she prompted quietly.
Lisa nodded and started crying.
“Hey.” Jess rubbed Lisa’s back gently. “It’s okay. We’re here for you. You’re not alone this time.”
And suddenly Sam realized just why Lisa had been in the bathroom so long. When Jess would have stashed a pregnancy test in there, he didn’t know, but she clearly had, and Lisa had clearly just used it.
“How far along are you?” he asked.
Lisa sniffled and shook her head as she pulled back from Jess. “It’s not that specific, just a yes or no. G-guess I’ll have to find a doctor down here myself.”
“I’ll set you up at the clinic where I work,” Jess offered. “Dean’s disability rating may be high enough for you to get benefits through the VA, but until we find out for sure....”
Lisa chuckled. “Not sure I’d be comfortable seeing an Army doctor anyway.”
Sam stood and walked over to them. “Y’know, Jess is right. As usual.”
“Of course,” Jess teased, and Lisa chuckled again.
Sam smiled at her but continued addressing Lisa. “As crazy as all this is... I mean, marriage, baby, move, Dean... it’s a lot, I know. But we’re here for you. You’re family now.”
Lisa hugged him. “Thanks, Sam.”
How Sam managed to sleep that night, he wasn’t sure. It was probably sheer exhaustion. Even so, he and Jess were up fairly early the next morning and got to work preparing breakfast for five instead of just two.
“Didn’t even think to ask what Ben and Lisa like,” he sighed as he examined the contents of the fridge.
“Ben is Dean’s son,” she replied flatly. “What do you think they like?”
After a pause, he pulled out the bacon and eggs.
Breakfast was just about ready when Sam heard quiet voices in Dean’s room. He finished preparing Dean’s plate and stepped out of the kitchen just as Dean came out of his room, limping a bit and looking sleep-rumpled and somewhat disoriented but much clearer-eyed than he’d been the night before.
Sam didn’t have to say anything before Dean spotted him and lit up like a Christmas tree. “Sammy?!”
Sam smiled. “Morning.”
And suddenly he had his arms full of big brother, who grabbed a handful of the back of Sam’s shirt and held on for dear life. “I’m home,” he said into Sam’s shoulder after a moment. “I’m home. Thank God. I thought I was losin’ my mind.”
“Wasn’t sure you ever had it,” Sam jibed while trying not to squeeze tight enough to actually crack a rib.
“Ha. Funny, Sam.”
Once they’d thumped each other’s backs and let go, Dean moved on to Jess, who’d come up behind Sam, and gave her the same kind of desperate hug. “Jess, it’s so good to see you.”
“Ohhh, missed you, too, Dean. You really had us worried.”
He released her. “Hell, you were worried? I think I remember five days out of the last month. How long I been back?”
“You got in last night.”
He nodded. “Okay. Okay, good. What day is it?”
“Sunday,” Sam informed him. “And we got you in with the VA hospital first thing tomorrow.”
Dean visibly relaxed. “Good. You guys got any guess as to what’s goin’ on?”
Jess shook her head. “It’s got something to do with the TBI, I’m sure, but what’s causing these symptoms and why now....”
“Some kind of short in the wiring, huh?”
“Well, you were pretty sick for a while,” Lisa added, coming up to them. “The fever wasn’t high enough to make you hallucinate, but I’m sure it didn’t help.”
“No. No, it wouldn’t have.” Dean looked her over and fiddled briefly with the wedding ring on his right ring finger.
Before Lisa could say anything else, Ben’s door opened. She hurried past the other adults to intercept him, but Sam watched Dean watch her, his eyes wide as he took in mother and son. And the whirring of Dean’s mental wheels as he made connections was almost audible.
Lisa gave Ben a quick kiss good morning and whispered to him for a moment, then put a hand on his shoulder and guided him toward Dean. “This is Ben,” she said, since Ben was staring up at Dean in open-mouthed awe and wasn’t likely to introduce himself.
Dean nodded twice, pulled himself together, and strode forward, hand extended. “Ben. Corporal Dean Winchester, United States Marine Corps. Glad to know you.”
Ben dutifully shook Dean’s hand. “Hi. What happened to your hand?”
“I got blown up in Iraq. They had to cut it off.”
“Oh.” Ben paused. “The thing that’s always worried me about being one of the few is the way we keep on getting fewer.”
Lisa was taken aback, but Dean’s eyebrows went up before he broke into a grin. “Dude. You’re awesome.”
Ben returned the grin with a giggle.
“Ben, where did you see The Longest Day?” Lisa asked.
“At Trevor’s house,” Ben confessed. “His dad gots lotsa war movies.”
“Has,” all of the adults corrected at the same time, and the brothers continued with the same cadence they’d been using since Dean first received the same lesson at about Ben’s age, “Gots is not a word.”
Ben grimaced. “Sorry.”
Lisa looked skeptical. “Oh, you’re sorry for that but not sorry for watching movies with Trevor that you know I don’t want you to watch?”
“But, Mooom....”
“Hey,” Dean interrupted, crouching down to look Ben in the eye. “I know all the explosions and such look cool on the screen. But I’ve lived it, and I know why your mom doesn’t want you watching that stuff yet. War is hell. You’re a kid. You don’t need to be thinkin’ about those things right now.”
Ben nodded reluctantly. “Yes, sir.”
Dean put his hand on Ben’s other shoulder. “Your mom tell you we got married?”
Ben nodded.
“I’m afraid I can’t remember what all she said about you, but you look like a pretty good kid to me. Think we’re gonna have a good time.”
Ben looked skeptical. “Can we go fishing?”
“Sure. Not today, but maybe when I’m good to drive, we could go up to Canyon Lake, go camping.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Maybe go to a few ballgames now and then.”
“There’s a baseball team here?”
“Yeah, minor league, think they’re a Double-A Padres affiliate. ’Course, there’s the Spurs, too, for basketball.”
“And soccer?”
Dean shook his head with a smile. “Have to ask your Uncle Sammy about that one, dude. Soccer’s his game. You like cars?”
Ben nodded.
“Well, when you’re old enough, I’ll teach you how to take care of mine.”
Ben looked at Dean steadily for a moment, then hugged him. Dean chuckled and hugged him back. Lisa, resting her left hand on her stomach, moved toward Dean’s left side as he let Ben go and stood, so he hooked his left arm around her shoulders, noticed where her hand was, and twined his fingers with hers with a gentle smile. She blushed, and he kissed her temple.
“Are you gonna be okay, Dean?” Ben asked.
Dean smiled down at him. “I’m home with my family, son. I couldn’t be better.”
Jess and Sam leaned into each other much as Dean and Lisa were doing, unable to keep from smiling. Dean had a point.
Then Ben ended the moment with a decisive, “Good, ’cause I’m hungry.”
Everyone laughed.
Yet the moment wasn’t quite over. After breakfast, when Ben had gone off to play in his room for a while and Sam and Jess were working on cleanup in the kitchen, Sam glanced up to see Lisa looking out the living room windows with her hand on her stomach again and Dean coming up beside her.
“Hey,” Dean said quietly, covering her hand with his.
“Hey,” she returned.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to think I was blackmailing you.”
“Aw, Lis.” He pulled her into a hug.
Jess nudged Sam and hissed, “Don’t stare.”
So Sam got back to work, but for the first time since the whole mess started, he thought Cas might have a point after all.
The Audie Murphy VA Hospital was just a few blocks from where Jess worked, and she had gotten permission for Ben to tag along with her for the day. Given the number of appointments and meetings Dean had scheduled for the day and Sam’s uncertainty about exactly how their schedule would match up with Dean’s, however, they decided to take separate vehicles and try to meet up for lunch. Ben rode in the Impala with Dean and Lisa on the way to the clinic, and since they were all in the back seat and Sam was driving, there was a lot of good-natured teasing about Sam being the family chauffeur.
Then Dean, Sam, and Lisa went on to the hospital, where Dean insisted that both his brother and his wife be allowed to accompany him for the initial assessment and the care team meeting, at minimum. Sam and Lisa had to wait while Dean got whisked off for a CAT scan and whatnot, but they were allowed to go with him into the examining room, where the wisdom of Dean’s insistence was proven by the number of times he answered a question with “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” and Sam or Lisa had to fill in blanks about what had happened over the last month, skipping over the details about the hunt and characterizing it only as an urgent research question for their family business. The doctor pried a little, but she seemed to accept the explanation Sam came up with on the fly.
Finally, Dr. Gutierrez asked, “Now, other than this spill at Lisa’s house, has Dean hit his head recently?”
Lisa shook her head. “Not while he’s been with me.”
Sam frowned. “Wait a minute. He fell out of bed on Memorial Day-but I didn’t think he’d hit his head. Did you?” he asked Dean.
Wide-eyed, Dean shook his head. “Dude, I do not remember that at all.”
Dr. Gutierrez nodded. “Well, the CAT scan shows some fairly recent bruising-not much, but enough that it could potentially trigger that kind of confusion. Memorial Day would just about fit.”
“But what about the second round? The one after I got sick?”
“Yeah,” Sam chimed in. “I asked Dean specifically if he’d fallen, and he said no.”
“That’s true,” Lisa agreed. “And he didn’t look like he’d fallen when I found him.”
Dr. Gutierrez shrugged. “Well, they call it polytrauma for a reason. And with a brain injury, we might not be looking only at obvious physical causes. Do you know anything about what happened between the time you last spoke to him and the time Lisa found him?”
Sam looked at Dean and swallowed hard, wondering how much to say.
“Sam,” Dean said, shaking his head. “I don’t remember. If you know somethin’, say it, no matter what it was.”
Sam ran a hand over his mouth and turned back to Dr. Gutierrez. “Dean had... just gotten some bad news. He’d been close to a little girl over there, and she was killed by a landmine after he was injured.”
Dean’s hand gripped the bed so hard, his knuckles turned white, and his voice shook when he spoke. “Sora? S-Sora’s dead?”
Sam turned back to him and nodded. “I’m so sorry, Dean.”
Dean exploded with what Sam assumed was the harshest Kurdish expletive he knew. “I shoulda been there. I shoulda saved her.” Tears welled up in his eyes, and Sam could tell he was on the brink of another relapse.
Sam shot out of his chair and grabbed Dean by the shoulders. “Dean. Listen to me. You wouldn’t have been there anyway. She was with Fox Company; Echo Company was across town.”
“She shouldn’t have been there at all, Sammy! I shoulda done something!” A tear fell, and Dean’s eyes were beginning to go glassy.
Sam shook him a little. “Dean. Remember what Cas said.”
“What?”
“What Cas told us, at Christmas, about what might have been. About why he’s here.” Sam suddenly sensed another presence in the room, possibly Cas but probably not, and he prayed that if it was friendly, it would help Dean remember so Sam wouldn’t have to repeat the conversation about alternate timelines and the Apocalypse in front of a doctor who really didn’t need to think they were a family of religious nuts.
Dean drew in a ragged breath as Lisa came up beside him, on his left, and started rubbing his back, and another tear escaped. “Y-you’re sayin’....”
“There was nothing. you. could have done.”
Dean stared at him for a moment, still wavering, still fighting the tears and losing, then turned his head a little toward Lisa. “You s-shouldn’ta married me, Lis.”
“Why not?” Lisa asked, more challenging than curious.
Dean raised his voice as he declared, “Because I fail everyone I love.”
The room was silent for a long moment after that bombshell, and Dean closed his eyes and ran his hand over his nose and mouth like he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But he didn’t take it back.
Then Lisa moved her hand up to Dean’s shoulder, and Sam took the cue and moved to sit on the bed to Dean’s right while she stepped around in front of him and cupped his face in both hands so he had to look at her. “Hey. You asked me, remember? You asked me if I was sure.”
Dean let out a shaky breath. “Yeah. I remember.”
“You remember what I said?”
“‘F-f-f-for life.’”
“For life,” she repeated. “For better or worse and all that jazz.” Dean tried to pull away and duck his head, but she tightened her grip. “Hey. Look at me. I chose you, remember? I want you.”
“You could do so much better, Lis.”
“I don’t want better. I want you. You’re stuck with me, bucko.”
“I’ll let you down.”
“And I’ll let you down. And we’ll get over it, because that’s what married people do.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Well, hell,” Sam chimed in. “I married up. Why shouldn’t you?” And he nudged Dean’s shoulder.
That did it. Dean chuckled, and so did Lisa, who wiped his tears away with her thumbs and kissed him. The presence Sam had been sensing backed away. And even as he smiled, Sam knew they’d averted another crisis.
“You gonna be okay now?” Lisa asked, rubbing a thumb over Dean’s cheek.
He nodded and hugged her. “Yeah. Thanks.”
“Mm-hm,” said Dr. Gutierrez. “That’s what I thought.”
Lisa moved out of the way and stood beside Dean again so they could all see the doctor at the same time.
Dean cleared his throat and pulled himself together. “Uh. What-how do you mean?”
Dr. Gutierrez spread her hands. “Let’s expand the timeline a little here. The Medical Review Board decides Dean should be medically retired. The rehab he’s been getting over at Brooke comes to an end. For whatever reason-bureaucratic snafu, physician assessment, act of God, I don’t know-the transition over here isn’t immediate. The routine he’s had goes away, and there isn’t another to replace it. He’s lost a limb. He’s lost his job. He’s already somewhat adrift. Then he falls. Maybe he hits his head, maybe he’s just jarred, but it’s enough to cloud his mind. And maybe he’s already getting sick.
“So he goes for a drive. Nothing unusual about that. But now he’s out of a familiar environment. He starts to drift; he’s getting lost. It’s a miracle he runs into an old girlfriend who can take care of him.”
More so than you know, Sam thought but didn’t say.
“Then he gets sick. When he’s better, he’s not at home, but he’s in a familiar place with someone he knows and cares about, and that’s enough. He’s happy. He’s doing better. He gets married. Then bam-he gets the bad news about Sora. He’s grieving; he’s got regrets. And with a brain injury, whatever coping mechanisms he had before to deal with that kind of grief maybe aren’t there. He gets a little lost again. The phantom limb starts acting up. Then he falls. Now we’re getting into a feedback loop. Maybe the grief was causing some physical aches and pains already, and now he’s got a twisted ankle and some new bruises to go along with them, which makes him feel worse emotionally, and that probably sets off his other injuries. He does truly need the pain meds, but that doesn’t help him think any better. And so it goes. Then he’s on the road again, more disorientation. And then he’s home; he’s with his family; he’s happy; and he’s better. Today he gets the reminder about Sora and we almost lose him again. Now, we can talk all we want about the physical injuries, but there’s an elephant in the room that’s the key to this whole mess.” Dr. Gutierrez paused. “Lady and gentlemen, my patient is depressed.”
Sam, Dean, and Lisa looked at each other in bewilderment.
Dr. Gutierrez went on to explain what clinical depression is, how it differs from a simple matter of feeling sad or thinking negative thoughts, and how it can affect cognitive ability and physical comfort even in patients in otherwise perfect health. Then she ran through some of the ways Dean’s injuries could make matters worse, especially the concussion. “We’ll have to tackle this from several angles at once,” she concluded, “and we’ll go through all that at the team meeting this afternoon. But I feel confident that a low-dose antidepressant will help, at least in the short term. Now, when’s the last time Dean had a pain patch?”
Lisa thought back. “Um, Thursday morning. The pain seemed to calm down after that.”
Dr. Gutierrez nodded as she did the math. “All right, I’m going to write a prescription; you can get it filled at the pharmacy here before you leave. But wait until tomorrow to start him on it. I want to make sure all the fentanyl’s out of his system.”
All three Winchesters nodded their understanding.
There was some other discussion about the antidepressant, what to expect at the afternoon meeting, and some of the other treatment avenues like cognitive behavioral therapy and, yes, yoga that they would be trying. But to a large extent, Sam was still trying to get his head around using Dean and clinical depression in the same sentence. He was absurdly grateful to finally have answers, but he had no clue whether they’d have gotten those answers had it not been for that one moment when Dean had blurted out the truth about how he felt. Sam sure hadn’t seen the signs himself, and he didn’t think Jess had, either.
Whatever was here, he prayed silently, whatever got that out of him, thank you.
Then, as they thanked Dr. Gutierrez and got ready to leave, Sam stuck his hand in his pocket-and found a lollipop that hadn’t been there when he’d walked in.
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