Bit late for April Fools'...

[ramblin_rosie]

... but still somewhat in the spirit of the silly season! For jennytork, whose fault it will always be, and for nong_pradu, who requested deaf!Dean in the latest hoodie_time comment-fic meme.

Summary: Cas sometimes has a strange definition of keeping people safe--like the time his buddy Balthazar sends the Winchesters and Braedens into a world where no one believes Dean's really deaf.


Quiet on the Set
By San Antonio Rose
Exactly one year after the world didn’t end, Dean Winchester’s life takes a turn for the bizarre.

There’s this angel in his and Lisa’s living room, see, whose vessel seems to be some greasy, debauched English playboy, and the angel says his name is Balthazar and he was Cas’ only friend back before Cas got sent to Bible camp. He’s also the source of the loose nukes, which he swiped from Heaven’s arsenal just because he could. Except now he’s trying to back Cas again because Cas has succeeded in getting Raphael off the Campbells’ collective back but doesn’t quite have the juice or the clout to stop Raphael from starting a civil war as cover for going after Purgatory. Raphael found out about Balthazar and sent a hitman after him, and now both Balthazar and Cas think said hitman is coming after the assembled Winchester-Braeden clan. Dean has not the first clue as to how Raphael thinks he’ll be able to start the Apocalypse with both Sam and Dean dead, and trying to read Balthazar’s lips is starting to give him a headache, but that’s neither here nor there. Balthazar is now trying to whip up some kind of spell that he says will keep all four humans currently standing in the living room safe.

Correction: Balthazar has conjured up a plate glass window between the living room and the kitchen and is painting a sigil on it with what looks like blood but is probably blood and some other stuff, given that he’s dipping it out of a copper bowl. And he seems to still be talking, but since his back is to the living room, Dean can’t see what he’s saying. Sam doesn’t look like he’s having much more success in following Balthazar even though he can hear, and Lisa and Ben just look like they’re scared stiff.

Annnd there’s a storm building outside. Awesome.

Balthazar gets the sigil drawn and turns away from the new window. Dean doesn’t see what he does with the bowl; he’s busy memorizing the sigil and hoping Sam knows the ingredients in case they have to repeat the spell. But then Balthazar starts searching his pockets and pulls aside his jacket to reveal that his side is covered in blood.

“Whoa,” Dean says before he can stop himself. “What happened there?”

Balthazar pulls a key out of his inside jacket pocket and answers, but he’s one of those annoying people whose lips barely move when they speak, and Dean really, really hates it when people do that. Then Balthazar hands Sam a key that looks like maybe it goes to one of those parcel lockers at the post office.

Even if Dean couldn’t read Sam’s lips, he knows what Sam’s saying from his expression: “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Run with it,” Balthazar says more clearly-and goes flying across the room. As he gets up, another angel comes storming in the front door. Balthazar says something that’s probably the angel’s name and then, pushing a hand toward the humans, “I said run!”

The family takes about two steps toward the kitchen before the wall of force Balthazar’s pushed toward them catches them, knocking them through the glass partition-

-and they land on their feet, barely, but Sam’s knee puts a hole in the island, which is made of MDF all of a sudden. Dean and Lisa rush to make sure he’s okay, and then there are people swarming into their house and Dean turns and there are lights and cameras and it’s not their house anymore. It looks like some damn sound stage, and Balthazar’s nowhere to be found. And everybody’s yelling, and nobody stays facing Dean long enough for him to figure out what the hell is going on. Some blonde chick grabs his arm and starts pulling him away, and as he looks around wildly for Sam, he sees some other chick grab hold of Ben.

Ben’s white as a ghost. And Lisa is in Ninja Mom Mode.

She snarls something Dean can’t quite make out, but the chick who’s got hold of Ben just laughs and keeps pulling. Lisa grabs the chick’s arm, kicks her knees out from under her, and puts the knife she always carries now under the chick’s chin.

“I said, let go of my son,” she says more plainly.

Dean tries to go to them before the other strangers can swarm them, but the chick who’s got his arm is stronger than she looks and keeps tugging even as he tries to pull away. And he can tell that she’s talking to him, but she’s facing toward their destination.

“Look,” he says, pulling back more strongly, “I’m sorry, but my son-”

She shoots him an amused look and turns away and keeps hustling him forward.

“Wait, what did you say? Can-can you face me when you talk?”

She tosses her head like she’s still talking and doesn’t turn around.

Dean has had enough. He stops, shakes off her arm, grabs her shoulders, and pulls her around to face him. “Dammit, lady, I can’t hear you!!” He knows he’s yelling, and not only does he not care, he shakes her a little for emphasis.

She suddenly looks like she’s afraid he’ll break her in half.

Sam is trying to brush off the reporter who’s trying to pull him toward what looks like another set and get back to Ben and Lisa when he hears Dean over all the chaos: “I can’t hear you!!”

That explosion gets everyone’s attention, and for about five seconds, you could hear a pin drop. It’s all the opening Sam needs to get away from the reporter and run to Dean, as do Lisa and Ben. Sam makes sure he runs up behind the chick Dean has accidentally terrified into silence, so that he’s in Dean’s field of vision. Let her go, Sam signs as Dean looks up at him.

Still looking panicky, Dean does let go of the chick, but only to sign back, She won’t LOOK at me, Sammy!

Ben runs up and attaches himself to Dean’s side, which helps, as does the fact that Lisa’s gotten away from the people who were threatening to call the cops. What the hell is going on here? Lisa signs. What did B-angel do?

“I-I-I’m sorry?” the blonde chick stammers.

Sam sighs and turns to her. “Listen, you have to look at my brother when you talk to him. He’s deaf. He can read lips, but only if you’re actually facing him.”

She looks from Sam to Dean and back warily and laughs nervously. “T-this is a prank, right, Jared? I mean, everybody knows Jensen’s not deaf....”

Sam frowns and signs that remark to Dean, who blinks. “Wait, what did she call us?”

Sam fingerspells the names again.

The chick looks around again with another nervous laugh. “Cindy? Nick? One of you guys want to help me out here?”

Lisa frowns. “Who are Cindy and Nick?”

“It’s not a prank,” Ben says, and Dean moves a hand down to rub his back while trying to see what the boy’s saying. “You’re making a TV show of our lives, but we’re the real people, not the actors. An angel sent us here.”

Dean looks to Sam for help, and Sam interprets for him. Then Dean looks down at Ben again. “A TV show? About us? You sure?”

Ben nods. Only way makes sense.

“Still doesn’t make a lot of sense. Why would Balthazar do that?”

“Okay,” says the blonde chick, “you guys are officially freaking me out here. Will you please just come let me reset your makeup?”

“Our what?” Sam and Lisa chorus.

But it’s only Ben’s horrified face that prompts Dean to look up again, near panic once more. When Sam signs the question, Dean pulls Ben against him more tightly and replies, “Aw, hell no!”

The balding, round-faced man who had launched himself out of a chair by the camera when Sam turned around earlier walks up to them. “Jared, what was the idea of jumping into frame like that? And where the hell did all that glass come from?”

“Um,” Sam says as he tries to sign for Dean. “I-I don’t-”

“Kevin says it’s going to take two hours to clean up and reset! Never mind that stunt Cindy pulled-we get it, Cindy; Lisa’s a tough, protective mom, but did you really have to demonstrate with Nick’s makeup girl? And Jensen, what is this ‘I can’t hear’ business?”

Evidently Dean’s been able to keep up with this guy’s lips, because he shakes his head before Sam’s finished signing. “Look, I’m gettin’ a migraine from all this. Do you mind if we go... to my trailer for a bit and work out what’s going wrong with this scene?”

The guy doesn’t look happy, but he nods. “All right. I guess we can call Fred, see if he’s available to do his coverage now. But take care of that migraine quick, you hear? There’s only one scene this episode that you’re not in.”

Dean nods his understanding.

The guy turns to Sam. “And try reining in that Padalecki sense of humor, all right?”

“Yes, sir,” Sam replies, hoping he sounds suitably chastened.

The guy nods and walks away. Sam shoots an apologetic smile at the makeup chick and herds the family toward the nearest exit. Ben’s still got an arm around Dean’s waist, though, and Lisa puts an arm around Dean from the other side as Dean puts an arm around her shoulders and rubs Ben’s back a little.

He’ll be strong for them, Sam knows. He’d be strong for Sam if it was just the two of them. But Dean is clearly no less freaked out about this whole thing than any of the rest of them, and probably more so given that he can’t hear and no one outside the family cares.

It’s just as well that he can’t, though. Sam’s hearing a lot of “Since when did the Js start talking to each other?” whispers among the crew, and he doesn’t want to know why or see how Dean would react.

Half an hour later, Jim Beaver leaves the sound stage, having been summoned by Bob Singer to find out what in tarnation Jared and Jensen are up to. The knotheads seem to have some kind of prank war going on, one that’s got them talking to each other for the first time in... hell, he’s lost count now. Only the prank seems to be against everybody else, and they’ve got Cindy and Nick in on it, too. Bob and Kevin and Serge were not exactly clear on what they thought was really going on, but Kevin did complain a lot about the shattered glass that had come out of nowhere and covered the floor of the kitchen set. And as Jim heads out toward Jensen’s trailer, he runs into a confused Mitch, who has apparently just come from a conversation where the pranksters were pretending he was actually Samuel Campbell.

Bracing himself, Jim heads over to the trailer Jensen chose because it was as big as his ego and knocks. A moment of silence passes before Nick answers.

“Hi, Mr. Singer,” Nick says, sounding subdued. “Or-whatever. Come in.”

Jim frowns at the greeting but steps into the trailer. The reason for the silence becomes apparent quickly, because Jared and Jensen and Cindy are sitting around the table signing to each other. And then Jim takes a closer look at Cindy’s wrists and realizes that there’s no makeup there. Her tattoos are gone.

“This isn’t a prank, is it?” he asks the kid who probably isn’t Nick after all.

The kid shakes his head. “My name’s Ben Braeden.”

Jim offers his hand. “Jim Beaver. Good to know you.”

J-Sam and C-Lisa are looking at him now, and Lisa gently touches J-Dean’s arm, signs something, and nods Jim’s direction.

Dean turns. “Hey. You look enough like Bobby to be his twin brother.”

“That’s the general idea,” Jim remarks dryly, but he can’t help smiling a little. “What, um....” He motions toward his ear.

“Stull,” the brothers chorus.

Jim frowns. “I thought Cas was supposed to heal all of Dean’s injuries at the end of that episode.”

Dean’s been watching his lips, but now he looks Jim in the eye and nods. “He tried, but at least in our universe, the damage to the auditory nerve was too severe.”

“We found a script,” Sam adds. “Looks like our universe split off from the one you’re portraying at about that point.”

Jim nods slowly. “So how the hell did you get here?”

“There was this angel, Balthazar. He said Cas wanted him to hide us, so... he sent us here.”

“We don’t know where fake-us went,” Dean continues-and if Jim had any doubts about whether he was talking to Dean or Jensen, that comment would have eliminated them. ‘Fake-us’ isn’t a phrase Jensen would coin. “I guess they swapped places with us, which-”

“Stinks,” Lisa interrupts, probably for Ben’s benefit. “Especially since there was an angel hitman coming through the door when we left.”

Jim sighs heavily. He doesn’t know why he buys the story, but it makes the most sense of the evidence. “All right, well, y’all’re here now. Question is, how do we make this work until you four can get home?”

Dean’s eyes close as he rubs his forehead, the crow’s-feet deepening briefly with pain. “Hell, Bobby-er, Jim, sorry-I don’t know. I ain’t fakin’ the migraine. And we’re not actors. Y’know, scamming our way into police stations is one thing, but this....”

“I understand that,” Jim replies, and Sam grabs Dean’s hand and starts signing into it while Lisa goes to the mini-fridge to prepare an ice pack. “But this episode’s focused on Dean. And it’s not like leaving the set will help much, either. Jared married the actress who played Ruby’s second host, and Jensen’s wife lives in LA.”

Both brothers frown at that last, and Dean looks up at Jim again as they chorus, “Where are we?”

“Vancouver.”

Dean’s color ebbs under his makeup. “We’re not even in America.” He accepts the ice pack from Lisa and plops it on his head with a resigned sigh, and when she sits down beside him, he leans against her heavily.

Jim sighs, too. “You’re not in any shape to do anything today, son,” he says gently, speaking slowly enough that Sam won’t have to rush to keep up. “And I... I’m pretty sure Gen’s in Idaho for the week, visiting family. I’ll have Clif take y’all to Jared’s house.”

The adults all nod. “Thanks, Jim,” says Sam at the same time Dean signs Thank you.

Jim nods back and goes to find Clif, wondering how the hell they’ll cover beyond this afternoon.

This Jared Padalecki dude has an insanely huge house and no taste. It may be the headache talking, but Dean can’t see the purpose of having a house this big unless he’s planning to have twenty kids.

And no, he’s not going to say so. He doesn’t want Lisa getting ideas... yet.

Anyway, aside from the tacky pop art and random suits of armor and other junk that was probably way overpriced, fake-Sam’s living room has two very telling portraits on the mantelpiece: one of fake-Sam and fake-Ruby on their wedding day, and one of a camel-sorry, alpaca, as Ben informs Dean upon spotting said beast out in the backyard. That doesn’t help Dean’s headache any. He’s not even in a mood to sample Jared’s collection of non-rotgut liquor. He wants to go home.

Lisa finds a spare bedroom and puts Dean to bed with a fresh ice pack and some pain relievers. He sleeps like a log.

She brings him breakfast in bed, too, and fills him in on all the latest as he eats. Gen really isn’t home, and Dean’s grateful for small favors. Lisa and Sam spent the evening chasing down spell ingredients (lamb’s blood, Dead Sea brine, and the bone of a lesser saint). Then Sam used Jared’s no-limits credit card to buy everything, but given the research he did overnight, he’s not sure they’ll be able to recreate the spell.

“Wait, what?” Dean asks. “I’ve got the sigil, if that’s the problem.”

No, no, Lisa replies, shaking her head. No magic here. All fake.

He blinks. “Seriously? ‘No hell below us, above us only sky’?”

She nods.

He sighs and signs a curse. “So how do we get back, then?”

Not sure yet. Ben and I go back to set today, see what we can find.

“Lis, be careful. I don’t trust this crazy town.”

I know. She kisses his cheek and starts to get up.

“Hey, wait, what’d you tell ’em about Sam and me?”

You still sick. Need Jared help. She puts her hand across his forehead, which... now that she mentions it, does still hurt some. He leans into the coolness of her touch, and thus he can feel her hum affirmatively. I bring more ice before I go.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he murmurs.

She smiles and gets up, but he’s asleep again before she gets back.

He doesn’t know what it is about this world, but the migraine hangs on more stubbornly than the headaches he’s had at home. Sam’s in and out most of the morning, from what Dean can tell, and manages to scrounge up some tomato-rice soup for lunch. But shortly after lunch, Sam comes back and shakes Dean awake.

Bad feeling, he signs, forehead scrunched and puppy eyes on maximum worry. You okay if-

Dean starts to sit up but groans and flops backward as the motion makes the headache spike.

Dean?

“Go ’head,” Dean grits out. “I’d go with you, but....”

Sam nods. Rest. Text if you need me. And he presses Dean’s phone into his hand.

“Likewise, you hear me? Say the word-”

Stay put, Sam interrupts with a look that says he won’t accept any arguments.

“I’m just sayin’.”

Sam nods and leaves.

Dean dozes fitfully for an hour or two before fighting through the pain to get to the bathroom and back. This is one of those days when he absolutely hates being deaf. He’s just about made up his mind to go after Sam anyway when Ben barrels into the room and just manages to stop himself from jumping on the bed to hug Dean. Dean forces himself up and holds out his arms anyway, and Ben hugs him.

The kid’s shaking.

“What happened?” Dean asks.

Ben can’t answer, but Lisa’s close enough behind him to have heard. V-angel, she signs.

“Wh-was that the hitman?”

She nods. Followed. Don’t know when or how. Tried to break into scene and smite K-camera. No good. Sam and Fred-this name she fingerspells-got us away while S-camera, others subdued V-angel.

Sam comes in then and gives Lisa a side hug. No magic, he signs after he lets her go. Good today-don’t know how we get home, though.

Dean decides that if they ask, he’ll blame the tears that fall as he presses his cheek against the top of Ben’s head on the migraine.

Sam decides not to tell Dean he bought a scanner on the way home. And he’s definitely not telling him that Virgil seems to have escaped from set because a call just came through that Russell Porter, the guy who played Sid the construction contractor, has turned up in a Gastown alley with his throat slashed. Sam and Lisa discuss it quietly, though, and decide to leave Ben to be Dean’s gofer while they go investigate.

Getting the rest of the story from the bum who witnessed the murder is a matter of $50 Canadian. Evidently Virgil used a blood phone to contact Raphael. Figuring out how to keep Virgil from getting to “the place of the crossing” could be more complicated.

But it isn’t that complicated after all, because a sketch artist has just showed up to try to get a description from the witness. Said witness has made himself scarce, but Lisa volunteers on the grounds of the disturbance Virgil had caused on set. Sam adds what he can, and between them they give the artist enough information to draw a very good sketch of Virgil’s vessel. When they add that they have reason to fear that Virgil will turn up at the studio again tomorrow, the police throw the manhunt into high gear.

They’re safe enough for now, Sam thinks. So they head back to Jared’s house.

And Dean meets them at the door, pale and squinting and ticked off. “Where the hell have you two been?” he growls.

Investigating, Sam shoots back. Sit down before you fall down.

“Investigating what?” Dean demands, bracing himself against the doorframe.

V-angel. Blood phone. Got police to put out APB.

Dean grunts in approval and lets Lisa pull him inside.

Sam signs the story to Dean as Lisa gets him loaded up with pain relievers again. Dean grouches about Sam’s taking Lisa into such a dangerous situation, but she grouches back, You in no fit state, and I never get to do anything.

“You and Ben,” he grumbles, and she turns away so he won’t see her laugh.

Ben comes in at that point, so Lisa takes him aside and brings him up to speed while Sam continues talking with Dean.

We all go studio tomorrow, he signs. Some scenes you can shoot sick.

“It’ll be bright, Sammy,” Dean replies, probably not realizing how much of a whine has crept into his voice. Now that he can’t hear himself, he seems to have a lot less control on how much his voice betrays his emotions, and Sam keeps finding himself caught off-guard by it.

Sorry, he signs back, hoping his face shows that he really does sympathize. No choice.

Dean sighs heavily. “What do we do for tonight? I haven’t found any guns.”

V-angel on foot, twenty miles from here. No straight route, bridges and rivers and highways. No way get here before morning, even if knows location. And I asked for close patrol.

“Guess that’ll have to do.” Dean’s eyes start to droop shut.

“Sure will,” Sam murmurs and bundles Dean back into bed.

And lo and behold, the close patrol does its job and catches Virgil about half a mile from Jared’s house shortly before sunrise. Sam’s startled awake by “Shots fired!” coming over the scanner, followed by helicopters flying over the house, and he hustles Ben and Lisa into the basement. But by the time he’s gotten back upstairs to wake Dean, Virgil’s taken enough lead to be overpowered and arrested for Russell’s murder. So Sam goes back down to let Ben and Lisa out of the basement and then finally wakes Dean-who, naturally, has slept through the whole thing.

There are times when Sam wishes he were deaf.

They get breakfast and head to the studio, where Ben and Lisa try not to giggle while Sam and Dean practically sleepwalk through an emotionless reunion scene that leaves Dean grousing with his hands between takes. But the scene is set in one of the Campbells’ safe houses, and their chairs are set up in the next room, which has a couple of windows that aren’t boarded up, so as the morning wears on, the four of them keep an eye on the windows just in case that happens to be where Virgil jumped after them.

For once, their luck holds, sort of. They’ve just finished a take that’s halfway acceptable, according to Bob and Serge, and gone to rest when Ben spots the sigil and yelps. Before any of them can figure out whether to run, Raphael’s power grabs them and pulls them through the window.

Luckily, the place is swarming with Campbells in no time flat.

Samuel charges Raphael first, shotgun blazing, Johnny and Avery hard on his heels. Gwen pulls Ben and Lisa out of the line of fire, while Mark helps Sam steady Dean. Raphael looks ready to go nuclear when Balthazar and Cas show up, along with half a dozen other angels.

“It’s over, Raphael,” Cas thunders, spreading his wings in the visible spectrum. “The weapons are mine. Yield or die.”

“Never!” Raphael shouts before disappearing. The other angels give chase-all but Cas and Balthazar, that is.

“I’ll take that key now,” Balthazar says as he and Cas walk over to Sam, Dean, and Mark.

“Shouldn’t I be giving it to Cas?” Sam asks, frowning a little.

“Oh, good heavens, no. All that opens is a locker in the Albany bus station.”

“WHAT?!” Dean bellows as Sam hands over the key. Apparently he was able to read that much.

Balthazar waggles a finger in his ear. “Really, mate, no need to shout.”

“We needed a diversion,” Cas explains, somewhat abashed, looking straight at Dean. “Balthazar needed time to retrieve the weapons.”

Dean’s both shocked and furious, and Sam doesn’t blame him. “You sent us into that clown factory as a diversion?!”

“The key was the diversion. I really did want to keep you safe.”

“A three-day migraine is your definition of SAFE?!”

“I’m sorry, Dean. It was Balthazar’s idea-”

“Oi!” Balthazar objects.

“-but I thought it was wise. Do you still have the migraine?”

“No, I’m better, no thanks to you,” Dean grumbles.

“Dean-”

“Forget it, Cas.” Dean shakes Mark off but signs Thank you to him and to Gwen, who’s walking up with Lisa and Ben. “Just take us home.”

Cas hesitates just long enough for the Winchesters to nod to Samuel and for him to nod back before they’re back in Lisa’s living room. Then Cas looks down at the floor and cleans up the broken glass with a thought.

Sam sighs. “Dammit, Cas,” he says and signs, “ask next time. Virgil could have killed Ben and Lisa when he showed up on set.”

Before Cas can reply, Dean interrupts, “No, you know what, Cas? We’re out. We will help you with research, and if there’s something Sam can do on his own without getting killed, that’s fine. But you are not putting my family in the line of fire again.”

Cas visibly flinches. “Am I not your family, too, Dean?”

“You pull another stunt like that, you might not be.”

“But I’m fighting for you! If I lose-”

“We know the stakes, Cas. That’s about all you’ve told us!”

Lisa takes Dean’s arm. “Why can’t you just tell the other angels the whole truth?”

Cas shakes his head. “I’ve tried, but I don’t know how to convince them. I’ll... I’ll find a way, though, somehow. And I’ll send some of my friends to guard you and this town.”

Dean sighs and nods. “Thanks, Cas.”

Cas nods back and leaves.

Drained, Dean sinks down on the couch. He’s still not 100% after all those illnesses that plagued him early in the spring, and Sam can tell this whole ordeal has taken more out of him than he’ll want to admit. Lisa sits down beside him, and Ben curls up in his lap, head positioned against Dean’s shoulder where Dean can, and does, rest his cheek against it. So Sam sits down on the other side. Dean wraps his arms around Lisa’s and Sam’s shoulders, pulling them close, and Sam and Lisa each put an arm around Ben.

They fall asleep like that.

And a world away, Sera Gamble looks over the news from Vancouver and says to her writers, “Y’know what might make a great episode?”