Here, have a deconstruction of my problems for the benefit of fandom.
Warning: This post contains a discussion of mental health issues. May be triggery to some.
ETA: I see I've been linked over at metafandom. If any of you are coming from over there, two things: I wrote another post, here which is less emotional and more matter of fact. And probably contains 200% more swearwords.
Also, if this post engenders any discussion, I reserve the right to use what tools I have at my disposal to keep the discussion as safe and respectful as possible. I also reserve the right to do so at my discretion.
---
I've been reading the most recent Warnings Wank all over the internet for the past few hours and I'm a little shocked.
No, scratch that. I'm a lot shocked. As a matter of fact, I'm appalled.
Here's the thing: I'm lucky, in a sense. If I have sexual triggers, I have yet to come across them, and considering the sheer amount of NC-17 fanfic I read, I'm thinking I won't discover any in the future, unless I develop them from trauma. Which, for obvious reasons, I'm hoping won't happen.
But I do have triggers. They're just not sexual. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of utterly random, bizarre and often chaotic triggers which are hard for me to keep track of, let alone anybody else.
So where do my triggers come from? Well, I've had mental health issues since I was twelve, and am currently diagnosed with Dysthymia and Anxiety Disorder, which has lead to three Major Depressive Episodes throughout the course of my life. (In 1999, when I was sixteen, in 2003-2004 when I was 20 and most recently, in 2007-2008, when I was 24.)
At this point, I have bowed to the fact that my problem is something I must learn to live with, and continue to live with, for the rest of my life. I am nearly twenty six, and I've had to accept that for however long I live, I will be at increased risk for suicide, major depressive episodes, reduced productivity, hospitalization, heart disease and stroke.
I tell you this, not to get your attention or try to trip you up into sympathizing with me, but because later on in this post, I want to make a very specific point about how I, as a person, must continue to live with my illness, despite being aware that the death rate for people above the age of 55, who have suffered from depression, is four times higher than the death rate for those who have been free of mood disorders.
What I want to tell you right now, however, is what can happen when I hit a trigger.
Most of the time, I can dismiss it. It'll give me a flashback, be it on a visual, mnemonic level, or an emotional level, but I have the tools to deal with those. If something in a fic seriously upsets me, I usually remove myself from the computer in some fashion; go meet friends, take a walk, cook, clean, anything where I can sort through whatever emotional response the trigger engendered.
But there are times when that doesn't happen. Mental health issues are subtle and insidious; sometimes I'll believe I have dealt with the response when I've only addressed the tip of the iceberg, other times, the triggers are something I've never encountered before and have no idea how to deal with.
Here's my worst case scenario:
In November of 2007, I was already in a very emotionally vulnerable state. I was far away from home, having moved house for the eighth time in five years. I had made a few acquaintances in the city where I lived, but the friend I had relied on for emotional support in a new country was dealing with her own problems (she was suffering from breast cancer) and in addition I had just started a new course of study which was more challenging than I had anticipated.
Fandom was one of my escapes, in a situation where I was already having a hard time coping. I had just entered a fandom which was relatively new to me, so I was reading at a pretty voracious rate, especially because I had, frankly, very few things to do with my free time.
And then I read a story.
I honestly had no idea at the time why the story was affecting me so profoundly. It took me, as a matter of fact, nearly half a year of therapy to get to the point where I understood the association it had for me. I had to backtrack my mental state an awful lot before I could understand just what the hell had happened.
The story caused me to think a lot about certain issues I've had for a long time. It confronted me with a "what if this were to happen?" and I fixated. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities, and I couldn't stop thinking about a similar experience I'd had.
That similar experience was the period between September 2003 and June 2004, when I suffered from a major depressive episode that was so deep and so hard that to this day, I barely remember anything that happened to me in that period. The trigger made me obsessed: I needed to remember. I needed to understand. I wanted to know. But it also took me back emotionally to a situation that was intolerable; I was emotionally constrained, couldn't get away, constantly in a heightened state of panic, constantly on edge, constantly inventing conspiracy theories to what other people were saying about me, incredibly distrustful of others, standoffish and isolated.
In November and December of 2007 I continued to isolate myself from the acquaintances I had made. I refused companionship. I lost my self-esteem. I lost focus. I couldn't concentrate, I felt stupid, my short-term memory went to hell in a handbasket.
I had a three month break between the end of term in December 2007 and the start of term in April 2008. During that time I continued to exist in a state of precarious emotional balance; being at home I had the support network to deal with the depression but to a large extent it was already too late. I was standoffish with my friends; I did not initiate contact with my loved ones, I was at an all-time creative low, I slept away whole days, I couldn't eat regularly but snacked like there was no tomorrow, I put on weight, I utterly lost the ability to tell time, I was ineffective both in my schoolwork and my part time job, I cried constantly, I alienated my boyfriend, I started thinking about suicide. And I was still fixated on my previous depressive episode, to the point where I couldn't recognize my own symptoms because they didn't line up precisely with what I had previously experienced.
At the end of March, I sought some professional help, but it was largely ineffective because I tended to minimize my symptoms out of fear of being considered stupid, weak, and useless.
In April of 2008 I went back to school, which was, again, in a different country, but one where I had little to no support network. However, I was feeling better, and previous experience suggested to both me and my psychiatrist that a radical change of scenery and pace would do me good.
In May of 2008 I had a nervous breakdown and put myself in front of an oncoming bus on purpose. I was yanked back by a bystander.
It's June of 2009 and I'm still clawing my way back from that, inch by inch. My mental balance is still precarious, my sense of self-worth is still practically nonexistent, I still have crying jags and I am utterly useless at self-discipline. I see a psychotherapist three times per month, I am taking antidepressants and I am learning how to be a person again. It's an ongoing process.
So what was the story?
Unidentified, by fiercelydreamed.
You know, I can just imagine anybody from the SGA fandom reading this and screeching to a halt in their head, going "...wait, WHAT?"
Unidentified is an utterly brilliant story. It's well written, it's gorgeous, it's sweet and I love it still, despite everything. (If you like SGA and haven't read it, honestly, go do so.) It's also very, very non-triggery.
Except to me, apparently.
In the story, Rodney McKay suffers memory loss, which John Sheppard helps him deal with.
Did you catch the part earlier where I said that I barely remember anything that happened in my life from August 2003 to June 2004? Yeah.
So apparently one of my triggers is detailed descriptions of memory loss. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I would never, ever, not in a million years expect anybody, of any fandom, non-fandom, never, anywhere to warn for that. Christ, no. That'd be ridiculous.
But guess what? I DO have triggers that I am aware of, that are common enough, and simple enough to warn for and avoid. Like, self-harm. Suicide. Descriptions of mental illness.
Mood disorders, at any given point in time, affect around 5%-10% of the population. In addition, the lifetime risk of developing depression is 10%-20% for females, with the risk somewhat lower for men. Also, depression is more common in people under 45, with the highest incidence rate between the ages of 22 and 45. Also, if you were wondering why the wide gap of percentages, it's because depression is a larger problem in heavily modernized societies.
If you're reading this, I'm guessing you're in fandom, so, chances are you're female, you're on a computer, and probably relatively young. Hey, a large portion of us fulfill all these risk factors!
I can't talk about the prevalence of sexual assault or the triggers that result from that kind of trauma. I can't talk about being a survivor of sexual violence in fandom, and how that effects my experience as a fan, but other people have done so very effectively, notably impertinence, here. Warning: Very explicit discussion of sexual assault and the nature, anatomy, cause & effect of triggers. Is itself triggery. Also, it made me cry.
What I can talk about is how being a fan with triggers, though they are mental-health related, has affected my fandom experience.
And what I want to know, as a fan with triggers, is this: What earthly excuse, as a human being could someone possibly have for not warning another human being that something one has written/created could possibly cause them incredible mental stress and psychological trauma, if it is at all within your capabilities to understand that the subject matter of your creation might have that effect???
Yes, I get that sometimes triggers are hard to fathom, especially if you don't have them, and if you don't, for the love of God, count yourself lucky and I hope for your sake you never develop any. But this is BASIC stuff: Non-con, dub-con, incest, self-harm, suicide, graphic descriptions of mental illness, abuse - I'm not sure I've got all the common ones, here, but it's not that hard to differentiate between a story that might contain those themes and a story which doesn't.
Of COURSE there's a lot of gray areas. Should we warn for deathfic? When does dub-con become dub-con and when is it non-con? Should we warn for incest if it's consensual? The list goes on.
It's the very nature of the thing; the smallest, most ridiculous things can hurt a person, and we can't always be on our guard for absolutely anything that might be hurtful to somebody else: I don't expect you to and I don't think any fan with triggers does.
Conversely, however, expecting me to be on my guard for anything that might potentially hurt me in any way, shape or fashion, without giving me the most basic tools to protect myself from harm? That's no less ridiculous.
I respect that some fans feel that putting up warnings spoils the story, but disguising warnings for those who are lucky enough not to need them is not that hard. Put them in an alternate post and link, make them invisible so they must be highlighted, whatever: fans with triggers WILL jump through those hoops to figure out whether the story is safe for them to read or not, and thank you for it.
Can't we at least, as fellow fans, agree on the bare minimum of something like:
Warnings: No - Meaning: as far as I'm aware, nothing in this story constitutes a major trigger, and,
Warnings: Yes - Meaning: as far as I'm aware, material in this story might be considered triggering to some, but I feel that detailing them would be a spoiler / I'm not an expert on triggers and don't want to be so I hesitate to detail them / It's 3 AM and I'm too lazy to figure it out right now / Whatever.
Seriously, for those of you who are artistically against detailed warnings, just slap a "Warning: yeah" or something like it on all your stories. Fans with triggers can then either ask you, ask a friend or steer clear. Is that too much to ask?
Some people have stated, in this debate, that they're not responsible for my emotional well-being and I absolutely agree with that. I'm not asking you to be take responsibility for my mental state, I'm asking you for help. I'm asking you, as a fellow human being, as a fellow fan, to put up the signal flags so I can respect my own boundaries.
The same people, and some other people too, have sometimes suggested that people like me, with triggers that can significantly disrupt their lives, should not be in fandom/on the internet/reading fic when there is no statement of safety at all.
To this I want to say... BULLSHIT.
I stated at the beginning that I was going to make a specific point, well, here it is:
15-20% of people who suffer from depression will eventually commit suicide. People who suffer from depression are at increased risk for all manner of physical symptoms later on in life, most notably heart disease or stroke.
If I were to dictate my life on those odds - if I were to avoid anything at all that could upset me, or trigger me, or hurt me - if I were to go through life basing every decision on my illness...
Then I can just as well throw in the towel right now.
Because the only way to ensure that I never get triggered, or that I never get hurt, or that I never get worse is to stop everything I'm doing, discontinue all contact with other people and lock myself away in a padded cell with the key thrown away.
If I were to stop reading fanfic, because it might potentially trigger me, it would be living around my depression, not with it. And guess what, I'm not willing to do that.
This is my life we're talking about. You CANNOT say that you are entitled to not issue warnings for your fic and then turn around and say that I am not entitled to feel upset about it.
If you are the sort of writer who places a higher premium on your 'artistic integrity' or your ability to surprise your audience, no matter what effects that surprise might have, then yeah, I guess I can respect your artistic integrity.
But I can't respect your integrity as a human being.
Sorry.
And don't you dare give me the 'slippery slope' argument, because it is impossible to argue first that you shouldn't have to issue any warnings and then go on to argue against what you shouldn't have to warn people about. You have a logical fallacy there, and I'm calling people out on it preemptively.
Thank you. I'll get off the soapbox, now.
---
Links to the debate:
Unfunnybusiness wank report.
Impertinence's post on sexual violence and triggers. Warning: Very explicit discussion of sexual assault and the nature, anatomy, cause & effect of triggers. Is itself triggery.
Shopfront on mental health related triggers, and blaming the victim.
Seperis's very graceful post about warnings.
A discussion in Seperis's journal between Shopfront and an Anonymous commenter, about mental health trigger.
Blackboggart on Artistic Integrity and Artistic Responsibility.
LC compiles some comments from Impertinence's post, AKA: Fandom sometimes FAILS, bigtime.
On warnings, from another perspective.
Kalpurna on ways to hide warnings for those who don't want them. It's easy, people.
---
Stats on depression: (AKA: I'm not making this up.)
World Health Organization, Depression: Facts and Figures.
WHO definition of depression.
A post of my own, with further depression stats, if you're willing to take my word for it.
ETA: I see I've been linked over at metafandom. If any of you are coming from over there, two things: I wrote another post, here which is less emotional and more matter of fact. And probably contains 200% more swearwords.
Also, if this post engenders any discussion, I reserve the right to use what tools I have at my disposal to keep the discussion as safe and respectful as possible. I also reserve the right to do so at my discretion.
---
I've been reading the most recent Warnings Wank all over the internet for the past few hours and I'm a little shocked.
No, scratch that. I'm a lot shocked. As a matter of fact, I'm appalled.
Here's the thing: I'm lucky, in a sense. If I have sexual triggers, I have yet to come across them, and considering the sheer amount of NC-17 fanfic I read, I'm thinking I won't discover any in the future, unless I develop them from trauma. Which, for obvious reasons, I'm hoping won't happen.
But I do have triggers. They're just not sexual. As a matter of fact, I have a lot of utterly random, bizarre and often chaotic triggers which are hard for me to keep track of, let alone anybody else.
So where do my triggers come from? Well, I've had mental health issues since I was twelve, and am currently diagnosed with Dysthymia and Anxiety Disorder, which has lead to three Major Depressive Episodes throughout the course of my life. (In 1999, when I was sixteen, in 2003-2004 when I was 20 and most recently, in 2007-2008, when I was 24.)
At this point, I have bowed to the fact that my problem is something I must learn to live with, and continue to live with, for the rest of my life. I am nearly twenty six, and I've had to accept that for however long I live, I will be at increased risk for suicide, major depressive episodes, reduced productivity, hospitalization, heart disease and stroke.
I tell you this, not to get your attention or try to trip you up into sympathizing with me, but because later on in this post, I want to make a very specific point about how I, as a person, must continue to live with my illness, despite being aware that the death rate for people above the age of 55, who have suffered from depression, is four times higher than the death rate for those who have been free of mood disorders.
What I want to tell you right now, however, is what can happen when I hit a trigger.
Most of the time, I can dismiss it. It'll give me a flashback, be it on a visual, mnemonic level, or an emotional level, but I have the tools to deal with those. If something in a fic seriously upsets me, I usually remove myself from the computer in some fashion; go meet friends, take a walk, cook, clean, anything where I can sort through whatever emotional response the trigger engendered.
But there are times when that doesn't happen. Mental health issues are subtle and insidious; sometimes I'll believe I have dealt with the response when I've only addressed the tip of the iceberg, other times, the triggers are something I've never encountered before and have no idea how to deal with.
Here's my worst case scenario:
In November of 2007, I was already in a very emotionally vulnerable state. I was far away from home, having moved house for the eighth time in five years. I had made a few acquaintances in the city where I lived, but the friend I had relied on for emotional support in a new country was dealing with her own problems (she was suffering from breast cancer) and in addition I had just started a new course of study which was more challenging than I had anticipated.
Fandom was one of my escapes, in a situation where I was already having a hard time coping. I had just entered a fandom which was relatively new to me, so I was reading at a pretty voracious rate, especially because I had, frankly, very few things to do with my free time.
And then I read a story.
I honestly had no idea at the time why the story was affecting me so profoundly. It took me, as a matter of fact, nearly half a year of therapy to get to the point where I understood the association it had for me. I had to backtrack my mental state an awful lot before I could understand just what the hell had happened.
The story caused me to think a lot about certain issues I've had for a long time. It confronted me with a "what if this were to happen?" and I fixated. I couldn't let it go. I couldn't stop thinking about the possibilities, and I couldn't stop thinking about a similar experience I'd had.
That similar experience was the period between September 2003 and June 2004, when I suffered from a major depressive episode that was so deep and so hard that to this day, I barely remember anything that happened to me in that period. The trigger made me obsessed: I needed to remember. I needed to understand. I wanted to know. But it also took me back emotionally to a situation that was intolerable; I was emotionally constrained, couldn't get away, constantly in a heightened state of panic, constantly on edge, constantly inventing conspiracy theories to what other people were saying about me, incredibly distrustful of others, standoffish and isolated.
In November and December of 2007 I continued to isolate myself from the acquaintances I had made. I refused companionship. I lost my self-esteem. I lost focus. I couldn't concentrate, I felt stupid, my short-term memory went to hell in a handbasket.
I had a three month break between the end of term in December 2007 and the start of term in April 2008. During that time I continued to exist in a state of precarious emotional balance; being at home I had the support network to deal with the depression but to a large extent it was already too late. I was standoffish with my friends; I did not initiate contact with my loved ones, I was at an all-time creative low, I slept away whole days, I couldn't eat regularly but snacked like there was no tomorrow, I put on weight, I utterly lost the ability to tell time, I was ineffective both in my schoolwork and my part time job, I cried constantly, I alienated my boyfriend, I started thinking about suicide. And I was still fixated on my previous depressive episode, to the point where I couldn't recognize my own symptoms because they didn't line up precisely with what I had previously experienced.
At the end of March, I sought some professional help, but it was largely ineffective because I tended to minimize my symptoms out of fear of being considered stupid, weak, and useless.
In April of 2008 I went back to school, which was, again, in a different country, but one where I had little to no support network. However, I was feeling better, and previous experience suggested to both me and my psychiatrist that a radical change of scenery and pace would do me good.
In May of 2008 I had a nervous breakdown and put myself in front of an oncoming bus on purpose. I was yanked back by a bystander.
It's June of 2009 and I'm still clawing my way back from that, inch by inch. My mental balance is still precarious, my sense of self-worth is still practically nonexistent, I still have crying jags and I am utterly useless at self-discipline. I see a psychotherapist three times per month, I am taking antidepressants and I am learning how to be a person again. It's an ongoing process.
So what was the story?
Unidentified, by fiercelydreamed.
You know, I can just imagine anybody from the SGA fandom reading this and screeching to a halt in their head, going "...wait, WHAT?"
Unidentified is an utterly brilliant story. It's well written, it's gorgeous, it's sweet and I love it still, despite everything. (If you like SGA and haven't read it, honestly, go do so.) It's also very, very non-triggery.
Except to me, apparently.
In the story, Rodney McKay suffers memory loss, which John Sheppard helps him deal with.
Did you catch the part earlier where I said that I barely remember anything that happened in my life from August 2003 to June 2004? Yeah.
So apparently one of my triggers is detailed descriptions of memory loss. Who knew? I certainly didn't. I would never, ever, not in a million years expect anybody, of any fandom, non-fandom, never, anywhere to warn for that. Christ, no. That'd be ridiculous.
But guess what? I DO have triggers that I am aware of, that are common enough, and simple enough to warn for and avoid. Like, self-harm. Suicide. Descriptions of mental illness.
Mood disorders, at any given point in time, affect around 5%-10% of the population. In addition, the lifetime risk of developing depression is 10%-20% for females, with the risk somewhat lower for men. Also, depression is more common in people under 45, with the highest incidence rate between the ages of 22 and 45. Also, if you were wondering why the wide gap of percentages, it's because depression is a larger problem in heavily modernized societies.
If you're reading this, I'm guessing you're in fandom, so, chances are you're female, you're on a computer, and probably relatively young. Hey, a large portion of us fulfill all these risk factors!
I can't talk about the prevalence of sexual assault or the triggers that result from that kind of trauma. I can't talk about being a survivor of sexual violence in fandom, and how that effects my experience as a fan, but other people have done so very effectively, notably impertinence, here. Warning: Very explicit discussion of sexual assault and the nature, anatomy, cause & effect of triggers. Is itself triggery. Also, it made me cry.
What I can talk about is how being a fan with triggers, though they are mental-health related, has affected my fandom experience.
And what I want to know, as a fan with triggers, is this: What earthly excuse, as a human being could someone possibly have for not warning another human being that something one has written/created could possibly cause them incredible mental stress and psychological trauma, if it is at all within your capabilities to understand that the subject matter of your creation might have that effect???
Yes, I get that sometimes triggers are hard to fathom, especially if you don't have them, and if you don't, for the love of God, count yourself lucky and I hope for your sake you never develop any. But this is BASIC stuff: Non-con, dub-con, incest, self-harm, suicide, graphic descriptions of mental illness, abuse - I'm not sure I've got all the common ones, here, but it's not that hard to differentiate between a story that might contain those themes and a story which doesn't.
Of COURSE there's a lot of gray areas. Should we warn for deathfic? When does dub-con become dub-con and when is it non-con? Should we warn for incest if it's consensual? The list goes on.
It's the very nature of the thing; the smallest, most ridiculous things can hurt a person, and we can't always be on our guard for absolutely anything that might be hurtful to somebody else: I don't expect you to and I don't think any fan with triggers does.
Conversely, however, expecting me to be on my guard for anything that might potentially hurt me in any way, shape or fashion, without giving me the most basic tools to protect myself from harm? That's no less ridiculous.
I respect that some fans feel that putting up warnings spoils the story, but disguising warnings for those who are lucky enough not to need them is not that hard. Put them in an alternate post and link, make them invisible so they must be highlighted, whatever: fans with triggers WILL jump through those hoops to figure out whether the story is safe for them to read or not, and thank you for it.
Can't we at least, as fellow fans, agree on the bare minimum of something like:
Warnings: No - Meaning: as far as I'm aware, nothing in this story constitutes a major trigger, and,
Warnings: Yes - Meaning: as far as I'm aware, material in this story might be considered triggering to some, but I feel that detailing them would be a spoiler / I'm not an expert on triggers and don't want to be so I hesitate to detail them / It's 3 AM and I'm too lazy to figure it out right now / Whatever.
Seriously, for those of you who are artistically against detailed warnings, just slap a "Warning: yeah" or something like it on all your stories. Fans with triggers can then either ask you, ask a friend or steer clear. Is that too much to ask?
Some people have stated, in this debate, that they're not responsible for my emotional well-being and I absolutely agree with that. I'm not asking you to be take responsibility for my mental state, I'm asking you for help. I'm asking you, as a fellow human being, as a fellow fan, to put up the signal flags so I can respect my own boundaries.
The same people, and some other people too, have sometimes suggested that people like me, with triggers that can significantly disrupt their lives, should not be in fandom/on the internet/reading fic when there is no statement of safety at all.
To this I want to say... BULLSHIT.
I stated at the beginning that I was going to make a specific point, well, here it is:
15-20% of people who suffer from depression will eventually commit suicide. People who suffer from depression are at increased risk for all manner of physical symptoms later on in life, most notably heart disease or stroke.
If I were to dictate my life on those odds - if I were to avoid anything at all that could upset me, or trigger me, or hurt me - if I were to go through life basing every decision on my illness...
Then I can just as well throw in the towel right now.
Because the only way to ensure that I never get triggered, or that I never get hurt, or that I never get worse is to stop everything I'm doing, discontinue all contact with other people and lock myself away in a padded cell with the key thrown away.
If I were to stop reading fanfic, because it might potentially trigger me, it would be living around my depression, not with it. And guess what, I'm not willing to do that.
This is my life we're talking about. You CANNOT say that you are entitled to not issue warnings for your fic and then turn around and say that I am not entitled to feel upset about it.
If you are the sort of writer who places a higher premium on your 'artistic integrity' or your ability to surprise your audience, no matter what effects that surprise might have, then yeah, I guess I can respect your artistic integrity.
But I can't respect your integrity as a human being.
Sorry.
And don't you dare give me the 'slippery slope' argument, because it is impossible to argue first that you shouldn't have to issue any warnings and then go on to argue against what you shouldn't have to warn people about. You have a logical fallacy there, and I'm calling people out on it preemptively.
Thank you. I'll get off the soapbox, now.
---
Links to the debate:
Unfunnybusiness wank report.
Impertinence's post on sexual violence and triggers. Warning: Very explicit discussion of sexual assault and the nature, anatomy, cause & effect of triggers. Is itself triggery.
Shopfront on mental health related triggers, and blaming the victim.
Seperis's very graceful post about warnings.
A discussion in Seperis's journal between Shopfront and an Anonymous commenter, about mental health trigger.
Blackboggart on Artistic Integrity and Artistic Responsibility.
LC compiles some comments from Impertinence's post, AKA: Fandom sometimes FAILS, bigtime.
On warnings, from another perspective.
Kalpurna on ways to hide warnings for those who don't want them. It's easy, people.
---
Stats on depression: (AKA: I'm not making this up.)
World Health Organization, Depression: Facts and Figures.
WHO definition of depression.
A post of my own, with further depression stats, if you're willing to take my word for it.