it's in the books (part i)
it's in the books
yoona always finds paradise in a library. he's always there.
a/n: wrote this for aoza on my birthday, and i'm somewhat proud by this one so i decided to post it on livejournal.
divided into parts due to the fact that livejournal thinks it's too big.
He is new. The library is a paradise, her paradise. It’s the escape at three in the morning when she can’t stand to be in the same bed as someone she doesn’t love. She picks up the remains of her tattered life, picks up the red gown, the stained jewelry, and slips on heels that she doesn’t need. There is no turning back. She runs into the wilderness of the city, leaves her sins with the man who won’t remember her name, and hides in the yellowed pages of literature.
Except, she has never seen him before. The library is abandoned at three. The librarians see her and they know her as the morning-after, the morning that has yet to come. She dons her most beautiful self and the workers sneer at the smears of her lipstick, the smudged eyeliner, and the bra straps that continue to fall. It’s their favorite game, she presumes. But when she tries to find The Great Gatsby, she finds him. A man who leans against the shelves as though he owns the world. There’s a crown on his head. He doesn’t want to be mistaken as prince. His suit is untucked, his white shirt hangs over his slacks, his tie is loose, and his hair resembles clothes flung around at night.
He looks up from the book he’s reading, Siddhartha, and looks at her. The look on his face resembles the one that the women at the counter would give her any night. The dark eyes judge her sinful ways, inspect the damage on her body, and return to reading. He has an opinion about a woman he has never spoken to. It’s typical.
Her fingers touch the spines of each and every book until it reaches to Fitzgerald. There is still a lipstick swatch inside. She opens it. The markings on the side still the same. Eyeliner annotations and lipstick highlighters. Her vandalism isn’t new. The library is practically hers. She hides her black heels in the nonfiction section, and finds a spot in the international fiction to read about the green light and the extravagant parties that Gatsby holds in his chateau.
Every now and then, the king sneaks glances in her direction. She’s the single green light and he has nothing more to do than to watch it beat on in the night. (Whenever she looks up, he has the same smile she imagines Jay to have in the story.)
The clock strikes five and before the sun rises, she puts away her makeup smeared book, throws away her heels and disappears. The man disappears at seven, trails behind the red gown, trails behind the print on the book that he has yet to read.
“Generous, I’m sure,” she speaks. Her voice is a lullaby. People of the other side enjoy the superficial compliments she spills. They love watching her laugh whenever a joke she’s heard is used incorrectly. They fill her glass to the brim with champagne. She dilutes it with water. A drunk heiress isn’t becoming.
They ask if she has married yet (no, not yet, but would you like to do the honors), if she has found a business to partner with (ah, my father wouldn’t want to hear such nonsense at an event like this), or if she knows she’s as beautiful as the rumors say (and how trite it is). What she lacks is intelligence and practicality. At twenty-six, she would be better off with a man. A man who could raise her company to new heights is what they want. It’s demanding. She tugs on her pearl necklace and pretends she doesn’t know what the world is expecting from her.
“Ah, Miss Im, would you accompany me?” she hears. She spins away from her conversation to see Lee Donghae smiling at her. It’s not the first time she will be following him into the dark. His gold wrist cuffs shine under the chandeliers and she smiles with her wretched red lips. She wraps her hands around his arms, and follow him upstairs. (She hears the giggles from the others, but she doesn’t care. Lee Donghae has had no better woman than herself.)
He kisses her, tells her he loves her, and continues the chain of nonchalant exchanges. At first, he is kind and soft with everything he does. A touch of warmth as he unzips her dress, leaves his lips on her shoulder blades. This is what love feels like. He doesn’t unclasp her necklace. He takes everything else off: the champagne dress, a pair of lace gloves, her glittering heels, and the lipstick she applied so carefully.
“Make love with me tonight, Yoona,” he whispers when he gently places her onto the bed. He is gentlemanly, kind, and everything she’d want in a lover. They have sex. She wakes up at two to get rid of his stench. The water strips away the filth. She finds herself vulnerable because Lee Donghae is a light sleeper and there have been times before where he takes her hand forces her back on the bed. He tells her to stay. But tonight, he had too much to drink, tonight he wears himself out, and she puts on her champagne gown without any kind of urgency.
It is her escape. She runs away into the library again. The person at the counter smiles softly at her. Her sophisticated bun has turned into a waterfall that softly cascades past her shoulders. The labyrinth of her facades waste away and she finds herself in search of The Great Gatsby once again.
The king from before holds it as a septer. He thumbs through the caked pages. At four, she finds him once again. He smears her eyeliner notes and she’s dumbfounded when he looks at her. The same judgemental eyes she was used to when she enters her own heaven. Angels are still as sinful as humans on Earth. He opens his mouth, but she disappears, hides herself with books that are stories that she has yet to remember. She picks up Siddhartha and starts highlighting passages with her beige lipstick.
The king reminds her of Siddhartha. A man who has no true faults, no real worries, a man who has nothing more than religion that he faults in. A person who yearns for a spirituality that has yet to complete him. It’s too bad that Hesse didn’t follow the rules of Buddhism. She finds herself more distracted by the man, who falls into the river and revives again.
(She highlights one passage and only one passage that night: I have always thirsted for knowledge, I have always been full of questions.)
He eyes her pearl necklace. It leaves an indent in her skin.
“Miss Im, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Her eyes widen when she approaches a man who will potentially own half of her own company. He’s tall and fair. He has a face that others would be proud of. A man of his physique would make all the women quiver. They shake hands and she can feel the electricity run through her spine. He is no ordinary man. It makes her tremble. It’s the smile that keeps her guard up. (It reminds her too much of greed and wealth.)
“I’m Ok Taecyeon. I’m sure you’ve met my business partners.”
She’s never been skillful at reading between the lines, but she knows with that look of lust, he’s heard of the prowess she is. A good woman at sex is a goddess of some sort. He is a demigod and she has no desire to be around someone lesser than her. Her breathing quickens whenever he touches her. The rumors that spread in such a business never ceases to amazes her.
“Mr. Ok, what a surprise! I’ve heard such great things about you,” she compliments. Her artificial smile is a dead giveaway that she rather not place her fear in him, but Taecyeon is as intelligent as the lot of them. Reading has never been a favorite pastime for their kind. They exchange formalities. In hushed tones, she can hear the growl in his voice. The names he lists are familiar to her. (Kim Kibum, a man who was married yet left purple on her collarbones, Nichkhun, a boy so sweet in love yet so passionate with sex, and Lee Donghae, a man she used to love.) It’s obvious that he knows what kind of person he wants. However, she is not a person of his needs. The force around her wrist is enough for her to give up on her facade.
“Mr. Ok, if you would like to discuss our business matters, please plan to do so after this party. I don’t intend to be speaking about our merge when you are a half-drunken fool,” she firmly states. (The tipsy bubbles have long sobered and she is no fool.) He breaks her gold bracelet and spits his apologies. It’s revolting, but she rather surrender thousands than to be at his side. This makes her vomit more than any of the other men she has slept with.
The woman is there earlier than expected. The librarians are surprised when she appears with her head held high. Her makeup is still in glitters and gleams. Her black dress is still in one piece and her white heels aren’t thrown off into the international fiction section. There is no morning after in her walk or in her speech, she greets the librarians with her charming personality and continues to stride among the books. He appears once more. Siddhartha gives her a surprised look. At midnight, he is the only one to appear. But she swings her arms behind the man, searching for Lord of the Flies. His hands are still wrapped around her copy of The Great Gatsby. It frustrates her only a bit.
“You have some fairly interesting annotations.”
She doesn’t say a word, instead, walks away with her head in pages that he’ll never read. Boys, who decide to kill the beasts instead of killing the instincts inside them. It applies to real life. A conch that disappears into the ravine, and he finds her interests in words more intriguing than her disdain for him.
Her handwriting in the novel is beautiful for something that is easily so illegible. Each one is paired up with a motif he has yet to understand or comprehend. There are names he recognizes when she points arrows to certain characters. He looks away from it and stares at her. She’s a Daisy of some sorts, but when she looks at him, there’s nothing more than a child’s savagity in them. It’s a look that no one gives him. Hidden behind an ocean of books, he watches her and how delicately amazing she may be.
Something churns in him.
She is surprisingly not the one they speak about tonight. In her white gown, she hears about something else. Ok Taecyeon runs off with Kwon Yuri and decides that they will be merging their companies together. Eyes after eyes look at her. They whisper in case Mr. Ok’s partners are searching for new gossip to tell him. Her eyes glaze over Miss Yuri’s great smile as she playfully hits Taecyeon’s arms.
“What happened when he was with you, Miss Im?”
Ok Taecyeon forces a smile on his face as Miss Yuri continues to tease and laugh. This is how she's always been. This is how people love her.
“You know how these men work. I said no.”
The females around Miss Im start to surround her. They ask how she could resist such a handsome devil (Ok Taecyeon looks at Miss Yuri as though she's a child), and they continue to talk as though he's a god worth worshipping. (He looks in her direction. The look of desperation replaces his look of want from a week ago.)
“He's worth billions.”
Wealth has always run high in these games. It’s not news to her. They objectify people as things with price tags. Mr. Ok seems to be begging with his eyes for her help. As sadistic as Miss Im may be, she is no villain waiting for his fall.
“And my company is worth eight trillion. Your point is?”
They quiet down. Her silver heels make a confident noise as she struts towards Ok Taecyeon. She wraps her arms around his muscular arms and grins as Miss Yuri brightens up. The man does the same.
“Yoona! I knew you were right about Taecyeon. I shouldn't have doubted you. Thank you so much,” she thanks with a smile. His grin disappears almost immediately as he hears what Miss Yuri utters.
“As long as your company are still partners with mine, there really is no need for thanks. The two companies only complemented each other,” she smiles. She can feel his muscles tighten around her grip.
“I own 17% of your company now,” she whispers into his ears. The color drains from his face. It’s benign fun. The other woman takes her hand and they disappear into the night, a bounty full of drunken laughter and humor.
“He's a bloody fool!” Yuri cries out loud when undos her bun for long curls. “Almost a day after the social, he comes to my company and asks for such an agreement! Ah, these heirs are such dumbasses,” she continues.
The woman laughs out loud. It’s empty and hollow, but it's a laugh nonetheless. Being friends with Yuri is looking through a mirror. She's just like her. They're twins, but Yuri is innocent while she is indifferent. Yuri comes to life while she kills the others when she feels the need to. The gasps and exclamations are too much for her soul. She refills her champagne glass. The empty laughter fills the air once again. It’s brutish and possibly tiring. For once, Yuri doesn’t seem as innocent as she looks.
They exchange looks and the thought formulates. As though it’s second nature, she comforts her. The laughs become louder and more obvious as the night progresses into dawn. (Yuri’s cries have long been disguised.)
Yuri falls asleep around two. She stays instead of leaving a piece of herself behind. Sometimes, it’s painful to be the person she is. Whenever she looks at Yuri, her sweet smile still on her face, she has to wonder if this is the path she has to take.
“I’m Shim Changmin.”
He becomes a familiar face after consistent weeks of invading her library sanctuary. There is no validation or sound that leaves her lips. She disappears before he can even finish the last letter of his name. It’s only the mere act of breathing that indicates she even heard him.
He continues to read the annotations in her copy while she picks up the last copy of Julius Caesar. It’s marked up from someone else’s writing. Scrawled handwriting runs on the side of each page. It highlights favorite monologues, it circles obscure words that most people do not know, adds a definition and scribbles more into each line.
Names become characters of the story, each one familiar to her. She looks up from her play to see those dark eyes look at her once more. It intrigues her. Someone that is a part of that world yet has no interest in it. What secrets could be hidden? She scratches out who Brutus is and replaces it with his name. Then replaces Caesar’s name with her own. Instead of putting the book away, she leaves it in plain sight. When she goes home for the night, he realizes this is the only symbol he’ll ever truly comprehend.
“Miss Im Yoona? She’s perhaps the only one who consistently shows up to these parties. I’m surprised your lonesome self decided to appear,” a colleague explains. He finds the names of familiar people there. They all laugh politely. They all look around for someone who could be better or raise their reputation. He remembers the relationship charts she writes in her books. It’s almost amazing to see how well they fit.
Shim Changmin knows it is unusual for him to engage in these social events. Standing alone, he is worth trillions. However, there is one who is indisputably richer than him. His eyes roam toward the woman in indigo. There’s a proud grin on her lips as she talks to Kim Jaejoong about their prior engagements. The man touches her, and she laughs as kindly as she can. It sounds like broken glass, but it’s a laugh he’s used to. The rich often can’t differentiate fools’ gold from real gold.
“Miss Im Yoona?” he asks. She spins delicately on her heels to face him. When he finds her in the library, she seems tamed and beautiful. In that moment, she’s as wild as any heiress should be. Her smile continues to be a potential mistake at any given moment.
“Mr. Shim Changmin?” she asks. It’s as though the nights in the library become nothing to her when she slips into the world of make believe. Her tone has an inkling of curiosity, but more importantly, her voice is light and carefully constructed as she speaks. “I see you decided to attend for once,” she finishes. She smirks before grabbing onto Kim Jaejoong’s arms.
“Do you know Changmin?” Jaejoong asks. Looking back at the smirking young man, she nods her head.
“He’s worth a few trillion. Most of his work goes unnoticed. He’s well bred and well read,” she smiles. There is silence. How does she know such things? “Ah, don’t be such a downer, Mr. Shim! It’s a party, at least pretend you enjoy it,” she finishes. His intense gaze doesn’t scare her. It becomes habit to stare at him. His eyes that leave nothing to hide. Im Yoona has a world to hide.
Jaejoong fucks her then, tells her not to worry because he’ll take care of everything, and she almost bursts in laughter at the thought of it. Kim Jaejoong can barely run his company. He could barely take care of her own needs and wants. She doesn’t wait for him to fall asleep to disappear at midnight. Instead, she giggles. The hilarity that Jaejoong believes she’d choose him is almost embarrassing. The company is bound to go bankrupt and she wouldn’t be the one to steal it all. She’s a chooser and never a beggar.
“You’ll love it in my mansion,” he promises.
She has to stop herself from laughing. Jaejoong is blind.
Changmin stares at her as she enters the library, throws her heels into the nonfiction section and wanders aimlessly in the literature section. She picks up Lord of the Flies once again. Her indigo gown still appears regal on her lithe body. Her hair cascades once again.
“Kill the pig. Cut her throat. Spill her blood,” Yoona recites. It’s the first true words he ever hears from her lips. Unlike the champagne induced smiles and the rabid words she uses, her voice is hard and cold. There is no emotion behind her voice. She laughs heartlessly as Changmin continues to gaze at her. “Cut her throat,” she repeats. Im Yoona carries herself with a regal demeanor. When the eyes of the forgotten judge her, she continues to beat without rest. A judgement is nothing more than an empty opinion without evidence. The first few words he ever hears from her lips are those of murder. However, he isn’t terrified.
In the coming of weeks, Kim Jaejoong loses all his money. It’s bought by the one and only Im Co. She doesn’t steal the company, Kim Jaejoong burns it to the ground and Miss Im picks it up. The look she gives Changmin when he appears at the next gala is almost frightening. It’s a visual “I-told-you-so.” (She cut the pig’s throat.) But as quickly as the glance appears, it disappears. He tries to speak to her once again, but she waves him away for Lee Donghae.
(It’s the first time he’s ever seen her smile so brightly before.)
Apparently, Lee Donghae is engaged to Jung Sooyeon. Yoona exclaims as she hears the news. Her face lights up. Donghae tells her he’d rather have her than Sooyeon. He tries to coax her into breaking off the engagement.
“I love you, Yoona,” he whispers in the bedroom. It reeks of sex and sorrow. “Didn’t you love me once?” he asks when he unzips her once more. Donghae’s desperation almost makes her swoon. His bright eyes and sweet lips bring themselves onto her. She moans as he leaves his marks on her body. This part has never been theirs.
“When I was worth only millions, you would never love me,” she whispers. “How the tables have turned,” she scoffs. She kisses his disbelief away. She forgets she has ever seen the tears on his face. She hears the cries of a fool then. In her own way, this was how she said I love you. He realizes too late that he loves her.
The girl loses her smile and when he wakes up in the morning, he understands why she never stays with him.
(Changmin watches as she adds Donghae’s name underneath Brutus’s.)