Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
I am sorry to have made you guys wait so long for this: I very much hope you enjoy! All mockery is, of course, done with affection.
This also seems to be a good time to link to some Star Trek parody icons written by my dear mizkit.
CREDITS: See how we dissolve and fly like Dementor mist... and then form like ink, ink on the page of a very special book! With awesome special effects!
AUDIENCE: I hope these credits are not using up the film's whole budget for subtlety.
HARRY: Here I am, randomly in a train station, reading the paper, scamming on the hottest waitress in the world.
HOTTEST WAITRESS IN THE WORLD: It's your lucky day, Harry Potter. I've always had a weakness for pasty younger men.
DUMBLEDORE: And now I arrive in a swirl of magic!
HARRY: I miss the days when magic arrived to rescue me from my abusive childhood, rather than to rescue me from hot waitresses.
NARCISSA MALFOY: Snape, I'd be ever so thankful if you'd swear to protect my son Draco.
BELLATRIX: Nonsense Cissy, he'd never do it. He's not MAN enough to take the Unbreakable Vow.
SNAPE: I am totally willing to do anything you two want me to do. By the way, do you fancy drinks?
SCENE: Two grateful ladies. One lonely Potions Master.
SCENE: *discreetly fades out*
DUMBLEDORE: So I'm taking you to visit a friend of mine I want something from. He enjoys underage celebrities. You're like a fruit basket.
HARRY: Cool.
DUMBLEDORE: Ah, my boy. Never have I been more grateful that you were raised so messed up.
SLUGHORN: Dumbledore, hey. I was just hanging around here, relaxing by pretending to be an armchair.
DUMBLEDORE: Looks like fun! Maybe next time I come by I'll be a footstool. But for now, Harry, I'm going to leave you in the dying light with an elderly stranger and his photos of his special favourite students, okay?
HARRY: Catch you later!
SLUGHORN: So I totally collected your mom.
HARRY: I have her eyes.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, Harry, off we go!
SLUGHORN: Okay, give me a minute to pack up my student shrine, and I'll be right with you.
DUMBLEDORE: Sorry for ruining your chances with the hot waitress, by the way. But it's all for the best: I hear Hermione Granger's extracurricular project for the year is to marry you off to Ginny Weasley.
HARRY: Huh?
DUMBLEDORE: You think that's bad, you don't even want to know what I have planned for you.
GINNY: Mum, Harry's here!
MRS WEASLEY: Harry is not here, darling.
GINNY: Look, I know that chest. I have pictured that trunk at the foot of my bed many, many times. If you know what I'm saying.
HARRY: Hey, Ginny, I hear we have sexual tension now.
GINNY: I hear that too. Show me what you've got, big boy!
HARRY: ...
GINNY: ...
HARRY: 'Sup?
RON & HERMIONE: Hey Harry, welcome!
HARRY & GINNY: Oh thank God.
HARRY: Hermione, I have a riddle for you. What's more conspicuous than two people dressed in ninja black, looking shiftily around and ducking into the nearest dark alley?
HERMIONE: Two people doing so with white-blond hair?
HARRY: After the Malfoys!
HERMIONE & HARRY: Did you see what the Malfoys were doing before the curtains on the sinister house were closed?
RON: I saw nothing useful at all.
HARRY: But at least now we know the Malfoys are UP TO NO GOOD.
HERMIONE: Yep. That one's a shocker.
HARRY: I'm totally convinced that Draco Malfoy was chosen to be a Death Eater.
RON: I'm still pretty doubtful Draco Malfoy could get chosen to be on a volleyball team.
HARRY: Gotta go climb on a luggage rack and spy on the evil genius, bye!
BLAISE ZABINI: Whatever happened to the private Slytherin cabin, where we could all lie around in evil state while Pansy stroked your hair?
DRACO: Zabini, read the script! Only Gryffindors get romances in this movie.
BLAISE ZABINI: Seriously?
DRACO: Sweet love belongs to the brave.
BLAISE ZABINI: Slytherins, it's time to leave this movie and never come back.
DRACO: So ends my only onscreen interaction with friends. From now on it's going to just be birds, random pieces of architecture, and Harry Potter. Who speaking of, is not exactly stealth.
HARRY: Oh no, I have been caught!
DRACO: I have the great enemy of the Dark Lord totally at my mercy. It's time to do what any minion of darkest evil would do - deliver the taunting of a lifetime.
LUNA: Oh hello Harry. I see you're all beat up. Let me fix it for you - I know you're not meant to be artfully roughed up until three-quarters of the way into these movies.
HARRY: Hey Luna. So have you heard this is the movie where Gryffindors get some play?
LUNA: I'm in Ravenclaw.
HARRY: As the Chosen One, I could make you an honorary-
LUNA: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
FILCH: I have to go through all the student's trunks. Including Mr Malfoy, who has brought approximately seven trunks of clothing. And a walking stick.
DRACO: Don't touch my daddy's pimp cane! It is a sacred heirloom of the Malfoy line. And don't criticise my packing: this year I'm scheduled to have a dark night of the soul, and I have to be appropriately dressed!
FILCH: It's clear young Draco is in no way man enough to handle the Malfoy pimp cane.
HARRY: My sudden Potions skills have nothing to do with this new magical book full of awesome notes that I have found.
SLUGHORN: All that fame and brains too?
HERMIONE: My hair is LITERALLY STANDING ON END WITH DISAPPROVAL.
HARRY: Ah Quidditch try-outs. Good to be young and single and fit, surveying my options on the stands. Quiet everyone-
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: Hey, I thought I'd introduce myself. My name's Cormac, and you've never seen me before because I just transferred into Gryffindor. I heard this was the go-to house if you're interested in getting some play this year .
HARRY: Yeah, I don't know how those rumours got started, dude, or well, I do, but the thing you have to understand is that I was young! Impressionable! And Cedric Diggory was all, 'Do I dazzle you?' and-
CORMAC: So could you introduce me to Hermione Granger?
HARRY: Oh right! Totally.
GINNY: ALL OF YOU PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN TO YOUR FATH - CAPTAIN.
HARRY: Uh, thanks.
GINNY: Hermione's been making me practise for the future.
LAVENDER BROWN: The way to love a man is to radiate support and encouragement!
HERMIONE: The way to love a man is to use trickery and inflict brain damage on innocent bystanders.
SCENE: I think we're all clear on which romance is the real one here.
HARRY: You rang, headmaster?
DUMBLEDORE: Just wondering if you're single!
HARRY: ... Oh my God, what?
DUMBLEDORE: That a yes? Not tapping Hermione Granger on the sly?
HARRY: No! Oh my God, could this be any more inappropriate?
DUMBLEDORE: Excellent. Glad to know you're single. In a totally unrelated subject, I'd like you to cosy up to Professor Slughorn. Get some information out of him. Aaaany way you can think of.
HARRY: ... I see I asked a silly question.
DUMBLEDORE: So let's travel through the mists of time to see Lord Voldemort as a child.
HARRY: Wow, evil covered in evil sauce with an evil cherry on top.
DUMBLEDORE: Yep. You're defined by your choices, Harry. Like the choice to be born evil.
DRACO: Here is Draco, in the Hall of Purposefulness.
DUMBLEDORE: See Slughorn entertaining some kids in private... and Tom Riddle stays behind to ask him some private questions. About death and destruction and so forth. I'd like you to get the real story from Slughorn.
HARRY: Sure, I could just tip some Veritaserum into his drink-
DUMBLEDORE: No I think it would be best for you to hang around his rooms and have midnight chats with him. Make sure you dress nice.
HARRY: But seriously it would be no trouble-
DUMBLEDORE: TRUST YOUR HEADMASTER.
DRACO: Draco is taking a broken white bird out of a magical cupboard into his trembling be-ringed hands.
SCENE: Is symbolic of lost innocence. And symbolism and stuff.
ROOM: Is the Room of Requirement and Misery.
DRACO: *weeps*
SLUGHORN: How is your dessert, kids?
CORMAC: Finger-licking gooooooooood.
SLUGHORN: You seem to be well-connected, and also kind of inappropriate and obscene. I like you.
HERMIONE: Look, here's Ginny! She looks eligible for marriage tonight, doesn't she?
HARRY: She is looking pretty foxy, actually, I'd like to-
HERMIONE: Sit your ass down, Harry Potter. If you like it then you'd better put a ring on it.
HARRY: Hey, Professor Slughorn. So I got lost on my way from the dinner table to the door, and here I am, alone in your rooms.
SLUGHORN: I remember when your mother used to leave me strangely personal gifts on my desk, Harry. Good times, good times.
HARRY: Slinking around just like Tom Riddle used to. Saying the exact words Tom Riddle used to say. Sneaky, right?
SLUGHORN: Oh you're lucky you're famous, young man.
HARRY: Tee hee. I'm like a ninja. So sly! Dumbledore told me to subtly winnow some information out of you.
SLUGHORN: What?
HARRY: I mean, tell me everything you know about your unsavoury associations with the Dark Lord.
SLUGHORN: Oh my God get out.
HARRY: Spill your incriminating secrets right now! Um. Please.
SLUGHORN: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
HARRY: Do you guys think it would be fun to go to a pub and stalk a teacher?
RON & HERMIONE: If by fun you mean 'really awkward and disturbing'...
DRACO: Hey, I thought you were meant to be stalking me this movie, Potter.
HARRY: I'm sorry, but there were time constraints. I only have so much stalking to give!
DRACO: Fine. I'm going to the Upper Floor of Growing Doubts About My Actions.
KATIE'S FRIEND: Katie, maybe taking packages from dudes in bathrooms isn't a good idea.
KATIE: Nonsense, I - AUGHAUGHAUGH.
HARRY: I blame Draco Malfoy, on account of how I saw him plotting evil, and then he told me he was plotting evil, and then I saw him at the scene of the crime looking shifty and wearing his hat of plotting evil!
MCGONAGALL: That's ridiculous, Mr Potter.
HARRY: It is not! You know how he likes to dress for the occasion!
RON: Oh my God, the big game. Oh my God, all eyes on me.
HARRY: As the Quidditch prodigy here there'll probably be a few eyes on-
SCENE: Pretty much all eyes on Ron, yep.
HARRY: No fair!
SCENE: You and your broom got enough play in Equus, my friend.
RON: My victory makes me recall a song. Oh I may not be a whiz on the Quidditch pitch, but I'm chased over town by every witch, who hears that I'm a legend in the changing room, because baby I've got an enormous br-
LAVENDER: *makes out*
HERMIONE: *storms off*
SCENE: Again, the true love in this situation is pretty clear.
HARRY: Are you... doing okay, Hermione?
HERMIONE: Are you exhibiting interest in my feelings and my life apart from you, Harry?
HARRY: Yeah.
HERMIONE: ... Are you sure you're feeling quite well?
RON & LAVENDER: Whoops, sorry if we intruded on a private moment, we'll make out elsewhere.
HERMIONE: Aloof, unavailable ice queen... aloof, unavailable ice queen...
HERMIONE: *shrieks, attacks Ron with birds, bursts out crying*
HERMIONE: Is this how it feels when you see Ginny with Dean, Harry?
HARRY: If it is, I have to tell you I'm a whole lot better at the whole aloof, unavailable ice queen act.
DRACO: Draco is brooding, lonely as a cloud, in the Tower of Astronomy and Woe.
HARRY: Why oh why did I ask Luna 'Ravenclaws Don't Put Out' Lovegood to the Christmas party?
HERMIONE: Why oh why did I ask Cormac 'Busy Hands' McLaggen to the Christmas party?
HARRY: Is he disrespecting you, Hermione? I will kick his ass!
HERMIONE: You're not really the kind of man friend who beats up guys for me, Harry. More the kind of man friend who stands behind curtains with me and gossips about boys.
HARRY: What kind of friend d'you mean?
HERMIONE: Weeeeellll...
HARRY: By the way, your dress is FABulous.
SNAPE: Ahahaha, Harry Potter, time to whip back the curtain and catch you canoodling with...
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: 'Sup?
SNAPE: MY EYES.
HARRY: Y'all, did Filch bring Draco Malfoy to the Christmas party as his date? The stress must be really getting to Malfoy.
MALFOY: *runs*
SNAPE: *pursues*
HARRY: *pursues*
HERMIONE: Man, all the boys are better at being aloof, unavailable ice queens than me.
SNAPE: I want to protect you, Draco!
DRACO: You're not my father! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PIMP CANE.
RON: Harry, all Lavender wants to do is make out with me.
MOVIE: Remember, ladies, guys hate it when you do that!
AUDIENCE: Are you sure? Maybe there's something in the water at Hogw-
MOVIE: Audience, you shameless hussies, nobody will marry you if you continue to behave as if you ENJOY A MAN'S COMPANY.
GINNY: Hey, Harry. Mince pie of desire?
HARRY: Maybe. Sit down next to me.
RON: Hey y'all. Man, I love pie.
GINNY: Death Eaters are taking over England, and my brother is eating my mince pies of desire. Worst Christmas ever!
GINNY: Oh Harry, there you are! Let me tie your shoelaces.
HARRY: It's like you're a kindergarten teacher and I'm a somewhat slow five-year-old.
GINNY: We're practically married already!
HARRY: Oh my God, time to chase evil through the swamp!
GINNY: Is this going to be one of those couples activities we do together, like hiking?
HARRY: The house got burned down and we got stalked by a werewolf with man boobs. Worst Christmas ever!
DRACO: sits in an Alcove of Woe.
SCENE: Man, y'all, I love the Draco Malfoy bits. No dialogue, no 'interaction.' Just random bits of architecture and sadness.
MOVIE: Remember, ladies, Draco Malfoy is not your boyfriend!
AUDIENCE: Good thing that ladies are never attracted to dudes who lean artistically about the place and suffer eternal torment.
MOVIE: Exactly!
RON: Omigod Harry, I love Romilda Vane so much.
HARRY: Slughorn, Ron accidentally got into some chocolates for me that were filled with Love Potions, so-
SLUGHORN: How could you accuse me of such a thing, Harry?
HARRY: I was wondering if you could cure him, possibly?
SLUGHORN: Oh right. Totally.
HARRY: Thanks, sir.
SLUGHORN: Oh, I know how things are. Girls pouncing on and making out with and drugging boys while the boys run for their lives.
AUDIENCE: Seriously, are we sure there's nothing in the water at Hogw-
RON: *chokes*
AUDIENCE: We KNEW it!
SLUGHORN: Ron Weasley almost died, and was only saved by the Potions genius of Harry Potter!
SNAPE: ... Am I living in opposites world?
LAVENDER: Ron, schnookums, speak to me!
HERMIONE: Uh, he's unconscious.
LAVENDER: You'd better not be putting the moves on my man.
HERMIONE: Well, no, because he's uncon-
DUMBLEDORE: Is this what the kids these days are calling a 'throw down'?
RON: Hermione...
SNAPE: I AM MADE HIDEOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE BY BEING FORCED TO WITNESS THIS ADOLESCENT SOAP OPERA, AND I AM LEAVING NOW.
DUMBLEDORE: *munches popcorn* Carry on, kids.
SNAPE: I don't want to carry out your plans anymore! And I find your interest in the students' love lives truly inappropriate!
DUMBLEDORE: Severus! Don't you know this is a critical period in their lives - if you don't find mutual true love by the time you're seventeen, you'll end up bitter and alone, weeping over your shattered dreams, only washing your hair on the anniversary of their deaths...
SNAPE: ...
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, right.
SCENE: Even Draco's hair has now entered a spiral of depression.
DRACO'S HAIR: Tiny Ruffled Bangs of Misery.
LAVENDER: *clutches Spoon of Death*
RON: I'm getting the feeling I upset Lavender in some way.
HARRY: Guys, do you think if I drugged myself I could get Slughorn to talk to me?
HERMIONE: Don't you mean, if you drugged him-
HARRY: No.
HERMIONE: Don't you think it would be easier to just drug h-
HARRY: Man, I am so wasted.
HERMIONE: Oh, boys.
HARRY: Heyyyy Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: Uh, have the ladies been dosing you again?
HARRY: NAH. I just feel REALLY AWESOME. Hey, let's take a WALK. Just you and a young celebrity and NATURE, what do you say?
SLUGHORN: That sounds inappropriate. I'm in!
HARRY: Just you and a young celebrity and a giant man and a giant spider and a copious amount of alcohol, how about it?
SLUGHORN: Wow, when you go for inappropriate, you really go all out!
HARRY: I AM the Chosen One.
HARRY: Remember the inappropriate gift my mom gave you? You should tell me all about that incriminating talk you had with Voldemort, or the fish bowl - which is like your heart - will remain always empty. Because a fish that was a petal that was symbolically my mom won't be there. Because the fish that was a petal that was my mother is also your courage. In the fishbowl. That is your heart.
SLUGHORN: Huh?
HARRY: SYMBOLISM. If you'd been paying attention to the Draco Malfoy scenes, you'd know it was important.
SLUGHORN: Okay here's the thing, Tom Riddle split his soul into like seven objects which he could've hidden literally anywhere. Anywhere in the world. You could be searching for them for like, years. There could be like, a hundred more movies.
HARRY: Wow.
SLUGHORN: I know.
HARRY: I'm really looking forward to 'Harry Potter Goes to Bermuda.'
HARRY: So Katie, I'm glad you're alive, and all-
KATIE: Draco Malfoy.
HARRY: I KNEW it.
KATIE: Is right behind you. You know, it's funny.
HARRY: The way he totally almost killed you?
KATIE: No, the way all the other students are wearing jumpers...
DRACO: *is wearing the Sweater Vest of Woe*
HARRY: I know you're in this bathroom, Malfoy! I've seen the Tiny Ruffled Bangs of Misery! I've seen the Sweater Vest of Woe! I know EVERYTHING-
DRACO: I am so wretched I have even wrenched off the Sweater Vest of Woe, further disarranging the Ruffled Bangs of Misery! Nothing can make my life worse!
HARRY: Oh, wow. Awkward.
DRACO: Seems I was mistaken.
HARRY: Gosh, I'm taken aback.
DRACO: By my EVIL?
HARRY: No, that I had pretty much figured out, I just thought you'd be dealing with your evil in a more manly way.
DRACO: What about my generally ineffectual drama queen routine of the last six years gave you that idea?
HARRY: Point. Okay, Imma kick your ass.
DRACO: I'll cut you!
HARRY: As the morally upright hero, I'm just going to use a mystery spell I found in a mystery book that - Whoops.
DRACO: *bleeds*
SNAPE: Oh my God, what the hell?
HARRY: Er. You know, Malfoy's been really depressed lately. Look at his hair. This whole cutting business was coming sooner or later anyway.
SNAPE: ...
HARRY: So I'm gonna go.
GINNY: So my suggestion is that we go up to the Room of Requirement, and hide the Half-Blood Prince's book somewhere you'll never find it.
HARRY: Ten-four.
GINNY: Just like the way I'll hide your Witches Gone Wild magazines in later life.
HARRY: Cool. What?
GINNY: And while we're up here, Harry - I'll keep you my dirty little secret. Who has to know?
HARRY: Seriously? AWESOME.
GINNY: Aside from all the people we invite to the wedding, and everyone who reads the announcement in the papers.
DUMBLEDORE: Let's go on a scary adventure, Harry. I know I can trust you to be my companion. You are so stalwart and true, and so unfailingly kind.
HARRY: Like... the time I found a kid crying in a bathroom and cut him?
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, it's best if you try never to make sense of anything I say. That's part of the whole sage thing. Now, let's go into a dark cave which is a death trap set by an evil megalomaniac, to drink poison and be attacked by a horde of zombies! I'm not scared, Harry, because I am with you.
HARRY: ... I'm scared.
DUMBLEDORE: So, up side, we have a new piece of costume jewellery. Down side, I have been poisoned to death. Get Snape, would you?
DRACO: Ahahaha, I have you cornered now, Dumbledore! My evil plan totally worked!
DUMBLEDORE: Dude, congratulations. You kind of accomplished more than Voldemort did in six years.
DRACO: Thanks! Do I get house points? I mean - shut up, I'm totally going to kill you.
DUMBLEDORE: See, I don't think you are. You're not a bad kid, even though you do fuss with your hair too much and dress like a pretentious ninja.
DRACO: I'm totally killing you for that.
DUMBLEDORE: I'm waiiiiting.
DRACO: Yeah, it's you or me, dude.
DUMBLEDORE: And I realise you're worried about your family, too.
DRACO: There'll be space for me to have more than one motivation in the script of 'Harry Potter Goes to Bermuda,' okay?
BELLATRIX: Did you kill him yet?
FENRIR: My man boobs are getting chilly up here on this tower. Can we get to the killing?
DUMBLEDORE: You did suffer artistically all year and make your hair have a nervous breakdown just in order to magically smuggle in these Death Eaters as, uh, moral support?
DRACO: My health is in ruins, my wardrobe has no shades of grey in it, and I am the only Death Eater ever not temperamentally suited to killing. My life cannot get any worse.
BELLATRIX: *kisses Draco on the neck*
DRACO: OH GOOD, WRONG AGAIN!
SNAPE: I will handle this before Draco has hysterics and falls right off the Astronomy Tower.
HARRY: Whew, thank God for Snape.
SNAPE: *kills Dumbledore*
HARRY: Well, thank God that's all sort - WAIT YOU WHAT?
SNAPE: *has definitely killed Dumbledore. Page 606. Check it, Harry.*
HARRY: Oh my God, the guy I never trusted isn't trustworthy - HOW CAN THIS BE?
DRACO: I can't believe I risked my health and hairstyles to smuggle in Death Eaters so they could dance on the tables.
BELLATRIX: And commit petty vandalism! Broken windows! Huts on fire!
DRACO: MY LIFE IS POINTLESS.
SNAPE: Draco, just wait for the next two movies. Bellatrix, let's go.
BELLATRIX: Wait, I wanted to spray-paint 'DUMBLEDORE SUX' and 'BELLA WOZ HERE' on the front of the castle...
SNAPE: I SAID LET'S GO.
HARRY: You killed Dumbledore, you bas-
SNAPE: Yes, Potter. Also, I am the Half-Blood Prince!
HARRY: I feel so, so betrayed.
SNAPE: I know, right? Secretly, I have been carrying on the most inappropriate student/teacher relationship of them all!
GINNY: Oh my God, Dumbledore's dead.
MCGONAGALL: Don't worry, kids, I know what to do. Everyone light your wands and wave them like you're listening to Def Leppard!
GINNY: Who?
MCGONAGALL: JUST WAVE.
HARRY: Oh, Hogwarts. How beautiful you are in the sunlight, covered by phoenixes, your hills and burned-up huts, your Quidditch pitches and spiders' graves, all the various youthful hijinks and actual felonies I have committed while here... I'll miss you when I'm in Bermuda.
HERMIONE: We'll always be with you, Harry. You need us.
HARRY: You've kind of been too wrapped up in your romantic drama to be much use, actually-
HERMIONE: Harry, trust me. My project for this year was to marry you off to Ginny Weasley, and that went pretty well, right?
HARRY: Well, I'm not married yet-
HERMIONE: We've set up an Elvis chapel in the Great Hall. Just you wait until you hear my great plan for the next two five impossible to determine number of movies!
HARRY: Okay, let's hear it.
HERMIONE: You sure you're ready?
HERMIONE: Brace yourselves, this one's a corker.
HERMIONE: Camping.
RON: ...
HARRY: ...
This also seems to be a good time to link to some Star Trek parody icons written by my dear mizkit.
CREDITS: See how we dissolve and fly like Dementor mist... and then form like ink, ink on the page of a very special book! With awesome special effects!
AUDIENCE: I hope these credits are not using up the film's whole budget for subtlety.
HARRY: Here I am, randomly in a train station, reading the paper, scamming on the hottest waitress in the world.
HOTTEST WAITRESS IN THE WORLD: It's your lucky day, Harry Potter. I've always had a weakness for pasty younger men.
DUMBLEDORE: And now I arrive in a swirl of magic!
HARRY: I miss the days when magic arrived to rescue me from my abusive childhood, rather than to rescue me from hot waitresses.
NARCISSA MALFOY: Snape, I'd be ever so thankful if you'd swear to protect my son Draco.
BELLATRIX: Nonsense Cissy, he'd never do it. He's not MAN enough to take the Unbreakable Vow.
SNAPE: I am totally willing to do anything you two want me to do. By the way, do you fancy drinks?
SCENE: Two grateful ladies. One lonely Potions Master.
SCENE: *discreetly fades out*
DUMBLEDORE: So I'm taking you to visit a friend of mine I want something from. He enjoys underage celebrities. You're like a fruit basket.
HARRY: Cool.
DUMBLEDORE: Ah, my boy. Never have I been more grateful that you were raised so messed up.
SLUGHORN: Dumbledore, hey. I was just hanging around here, relaxing by pretending to be an armchair.
DUMBLEDORE: Looks like fun! Maybe next time I come by I'll be a footstool. But for now, Harry, I'm going to leave you in the dying light with an elderly stranger and his photos of his special favourite students, okay?
HARRY: Catch you later!
SLUGHORN: So I totally collected your mom.
HARRY: I have her eyes.
DUMBLEDORE: Well, Harry, off we go!
SLUGHORN: Okay, give me a minute to pack up my student shrine, and I'll be right with you.
DUMBLEDORE: Sorry for ruining your chances with the hot waitress, by the way. But it's all for the best: I hear Hermione Granger's extracurricular project for the year is to marry you off to Ginny Weasley.
HARRY: Huh?
DUMBLEDORE: You think that's bad, you don't even want to know what I have planned for you.
GINNY: Mum, Harry's here!
MRS WEASLEY: Harry is not here, darling.
GINNY: Look, I know that chest. I have pictured that trunk at the foot of my bed many, many times. If you know what I'm saying.
HARRY: Hey, Ginny, I hear we have sexual tension now.
GINNY: I hear that too. Show me what you've got, big boy!
HARRY: ...
GINNY: ...
HARRY: 'Sup?
RON & HERMIONE: Hey Harry, welcome!
HARRY & GINNY: Oh thank God.
HARRY: Hermione, I have a riddle for you. What's more conspicuous than two people dressed in ninja black, looking shiftily around and ducking into the nearest dark alley?
HERMIONE: Two people doing so with white-blond hair?
HARRY: After the Malfoys!
HERMIONE & HARRY: Did you see what the Malfoys were doing before the curtains on the sinister house were closed?
RON: I saw nothing useful at all.
HARRY: But at least now we know the Malfoys are UP TO NO GOOD.
HERMIONE: Yep. That one's a shocker.
HARRY: I'm totally convinced that Draco Malfoy was chosen to be a Death Eater.
RON: I'm still pretty doubtful Draco Malfoy could get chosen to be on a volleyball team.
HARRY: Gotta go climb on a luggage rack and spy on the evil genius, bye!
BLAISE ZABINI: Whatever happened to the private Slytherin cabin, where we could all lie around in evil state while Pansy stroked your hair?
DRACO: Zabini, read the script! Only Gryffindors get romances in this movie.
BLAISE ZABINI: Seriously?
DRACO: Sweet love belongs to the brave.
BLAISE ZABINI: Slytherins, it's time to leave this movie and never come back.
DRACO: So ends my only onscreen interaction with friends. From now on it's going to just be birds, random pieces of architecture, and Harry Potter. Who speaking of, is not exactly stealth.
HARRY: Oh no, I have been caught!
DRACO: I have the great enemy of the Dark Lord totally at my mercy. It's time to do what any minion of darkest evil would do - deliver the taunting of a lifetime.
LUNA: Oh hello Harry. I see you're all beat up. Let me fix it for you - I know you're not meant to be artfully roughed up until three-quarters of the way into these movies.
HARRY: Hey Luna. So have you heard this is the movie where Gryffindors get some play?
LUNA: I'm in Ravenclaw.
HARRY: As the Chosen One, I could make you an honorary-
LUNA: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
FILCH: I have to go through all the student's trunks. Including Mr Malfoy, who has brought approximately seven trunks of clothing. And a walking stick.
DRACO: Don't touch my daddy's pimp cane! It is a sacred heirloom of the Malfoy line. And don't criticise my packing: this year I'm scheduled to have a dark night of the soul, and I have to be appropriately dressed!
FILCH: It's clear young Draco is in no way man enough to handle the Malfoy pimp cane.
HARRY: My sudden Potions skills have nothing to do with this new magical book full of awesome notes that I have found.
SLUGHORN: All that fame and brains too?
HERMIONE: My hair is LITERALLY STANDING ON END WITH DISAPPROVAL.
HARRY: Ah Quidditch try-outs. Good to be young and single and fit, surveying my options on the stands. Quiet everyone-
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: Hey, I thought I'd introduce myself. My name's Cormac, and you've never seen me before because I just transferred into Gryffindor. I heard this was the go-to house if you're interested in getting some play this year .
HARRY: Yeah, I don't know how those rumours got started, dude, or well, I do, but the thing you have to understand is that I was young! Impressionable! And Cedric Diggory was all, 'Do I dazzle you?' and-
CORMAC: So could you introduce me to Hermione Granger?
HARRY: Oh right! Totally.
GINNY: ALL OF YOU PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN TO YOUR FATH - CAPTAIN.
HARRY: Uh, thanks.
GINNY: Hermione's been making me practise for the future.
LAVENDER BROWN: The way to love a man is to radiate support and encouragement!
HERMIONE: The way to love a man is to use trickery and inflict brain damage on innocent bystanders.
SCENE: I think we're all clear on which romance is the real one here.
HARRY: You rang, headmaster?
DUMBLEDORE: Just wondering if you're single!
HARRY: ... Oh my God, what?
DUMBLEDORE: That a yes? Not tapping Hermione Granger on the sly?
HARRY: No! Oh my God, could this be any more inappropriate?
DUMBLEDORE: Excellent. Glad to know you're single. In a totally unrelated subject, I'd like you to cosy up to Professor Slughorn. Get some information out of him. Aaaany way you can think of.
HARRY: ... I see I asked a silly question.
DUMBLEDORE: So let's travel through the mists of time to see Lord Voldemort as a child.
HARRY: Wow, evil covered in evil sauce with an evil cherry on top.
DUMBLEDORE: Yep. You're defined by your choices, Harry. Like the choice to be born evil.
DRACO: Here is Draco, in the Hall of Purposefulness.
DUMBLEDORE: See Slughorn entertaining some kids in private... and Tom Riddle stays behind to ask him some private questions. About death and destruction and so forth. I'd like you to get the real story from Slughorn.
HARRY: Sure, I could just tip some Veritaserum into his drink-
DUMBLEDORE: No I think it would be best for you to hang around his rooms and have midnight chats with him. Make sure you dress nice.
HARRY: But seriously it would be no trouble-
DUMBLEDORE: TRUST YOUR HEADMASTER.
DRACO: Draco is taking a broken white bird out of a magical cupboard into his trembling be-ringed hands.
SCENE: Is symbolic of lost innocence. And symbolism and stuff.
ROOM: Is the Room of Requirement and Misery.
DRACO: *weeps*
SLUGHORN: How is your dessert, kids?
CORMAC: Finger-licking gooooooooood.
SLUGHORN: You seem to be well-connected, and also kind of inappropriate and obscene. I like you.
HERMIONE: Look, here's Ginny! She looks eligible for marriage tonight, doesn't she?
HARRY: She is looking pretty foxy, actually, I'd like to-
HERMIONE: Sit your ass down, Harry Potter. If you like it then you'd better put a ring on it.
HARRY: Hey, Professor Slughorn. So I got lost on my way from the dinner table to the door, and here I am, alone in your rooms.
SLUGHORN: I remember when your mother used to leave me strangely personal gifts on my desk, Harry. Good times, good times.
HARRY: Slinking around just like Tom Riddle used to. Saying the exact words Tom Riddle used to say. Sneaky, right?
SLUGHORN: Oh you're lucky you're famous, young man.
HARRY: Tee hee. I'm like a ninja. So sly! Dumbledore told me to subtly winnow some information out of you.
SLUGHORN: What?
HARRY: I mean, tell me everything you know about your unsavoury associations with the Dark Lord.
SLUGHORN: Oh my God get out.
HARRY: Spill your incriminating secrets right now! Um. Please.
SLUGHORN: I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
HARRY: Do you guys think it would be fun to go to a pub and stalk a teacher?
RON & HERMIONE: If by fun you mean 'really awkward and disturbing'...
DRACO: Hey, I thought you were meant to be stalking me this movie, Potter.
HARRY: I'm sorry, but there were time constraints. I only have so much stalking to give!
DRACO: Fine. I'm going to the Upper Floor of Growing Doubts About My Actions.
KATIE'S FRIEND: Katie, maybe taking packages from dudes in bathrooms isn't a good idea.
KATIE: Nonsense, I - AUGHAUGHAUGH.
HARRY: I blame Draco Malfoy, on account of how I saw him plotting evil, and then he told me he was plotting evil, and then I saw him at the scene of the crime looking shifty and wearing his hat of plotting evil!
MCGONAGALL: That's ridiculous, Mr Potter.
HARRY: It is not! You know how he likes to dress for the occasion!
RON: Oh my God, the big game. Oh my God, all eyes on me.
HARRY: As the Quidditch prodigy here there'll probably be a few eyes on-
SCENE: Pretty much all eyes on Ron, yep.
HARRY: No fair!
SCENE: You and your broom got enough play in Equus, my friend.
RON: My victory makes me recall a song. Oh I may not be a whiz on the Quidditch pitch, but I'm chased over town by every witch, who hears that I'm a legend in the changing room, because baby I've got an enormous br-
LAVENDER: *makes out*
HERMIONE: *storms off*
SCENE: Again, the true love in this situation is pretty clear.
HARRY: Are you... doing okay, Hermione?
HERMIONE: Are you exhibiting interest in my feelings and my life apart from you, Harry?
HARRY: Yeah.
HERMIONE: ... Are you sure you're feeling quite well?
RON & LAVENDER: Whoops, sorry if we intruded on a private moment, we'll make out elsewhere.
HERMIONE: Aloof, unavailable ice queen... aloof, unavailable ice queen...
HERMIONE: *shrieks, attacks Ron with birds, bursts out crying*
HERMIONE: Is this how it feels when you see Ginny with Dean, Harry?
HARRY: If it is, I have to tell you I'm a whole lot better at the whole aloof, unavailable ice queen act.
DRACO: Draco is brooding, lonely as a cloud, in the Tower of Astronomy and Woe.
HARRY: Why oh why did I ask Luna 'Ravenclaws Don't Put Out' Lovegood to the Christmas party?
HERMIONE: Why oh why did I ask Cormac 'Busy Hands' McLaggen to the Christmas party?
HARRY: Is he disrespecting you, Hermione? I will kick his ass!
HERMIONE: You're not really the kind of man friend who beats up guys for me, Harry. More the kind of man friend who stands behind curtains with me and gossips about boys.
HARRY: What kind of friend d'you mean?
HERMIONE: Weeeeellll...
HARRY: By the way, your dress is FABulous.
SNAPE: Ahahaha, Harry Potter, time to whip back the curtain and catch you canoodling with...
CORMAC MCLAGGEN: 'Sup?
SNAPE: MY EYES.
HARRY: Y'all, did Filch bring Draco Malfoy to the Christmas party as his date? The stress must be really getting to Malfoy.
MALFOY: *runs*
SNAPE: *pursues*
HARRY: *pursues*
HERMIONE: Man, all the boys are better at being aloof, unavailable ice queens than me.
SNAPE: I want to protect you, Draco!
DRACO: You're not my father! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PIMP CANE.
RON: Harry, all Lavender wants to do is make out with me.
MOVIE: Remember, ladies, guys hate it when you do that!
AUDIENCE: Are you sure? Maybe there's something in the water at Hogw-
MOVIE: Audience, you shameless hussies, nobody will marry you if you continue to behave as if you ENJOY A MAN'S COMPANY.
GINNY: Hey, Harry. Mince pie of desire?
HARRY: Maybe. Sit down next to me.
RON: Hey y'all. Man, I love pie.
GINNY: Death Eaters are taking over England, and my brother is eating my mince pies of desire. Worst Christmas ever!
GINNY: Oh Harry, there you are! Let me tie your shoelaces.
HARRY: It's like you're a kindergarten teacher and I'm a somewhat slow five-year-old.
GINNY: We're practically married already!
HARRY: Oh my God, time to chase evil through the swamp!
GINNY: Is this going to be one of those couples activities we do together, like hiking?
HARRY: The house got burned down and we got stalked by a werewolf with man boobs. Worst Christmas ever!
DRACO: sits in an Alcove of Woe.
SCENE: Man, y'all, I love the Draco Malfoy bits. No dialogue, no 'interaction.' Just random bits of architecture and sadness.
MOVIE: Remember, ladies, Draco Malfoy is not your boyfriend!
AUDIENCE: Good thing that ladies are never attracted to dudes who lean artistically about the place and suffer eternal torment.
MOVIE: Exactly!
RON: Omigod Harry, I love Romilda Vane so much.
HARRY: Slughorn, Ron accidentally got into some chocolates for me that were filled with Love Potions, so-
SLUGHORN: How could you accuse me of such a thing, Harry?
HARRY: I was wondering if you could cure him, possibly?
SLUGHORN: Oh right. Totally.
HARRY: Thanks, sir.
SLUGHORN: Oh, I know how things are. Girls pouncing on and making out with and drugging boys while the boys run for their lives.
AUDIENCE: Seriously, are we sure there's nothing in the water at Hogw-
RON: *chokes*
AUDIENCE: We KNEW it!
SLUGHORN: Ron Weasley almost died, and was only saved by the Potions genius of Harry Potter!
SNAPE: ... Am I living in opposites world?
LAVENDER: Ron, schnookums, speak to me!
HERMIONE: Uh, he's unconscious.
LAVENDER: You'd better not be putting the moves on my man.
HERMIONE: Well, no, because he's uncon-
DUMBLEDORE: Is this what the kids these days are calling a 'throw down'?
RON: Hermione...
SNAPE: I AM MADE HIDEOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE BY BEING FORCED TO WITNESS THIS ADOLESCENT SOAP OPERA, AND I AM LEAVING NOW.
DUMBLEDORE: *munches popcorn* Carry on, kids.
SNAPE: I don't want to carry out your plans anymore! And I find your interest in the students' love lives truly inappropriate!
DUMBLEDORE: Severus! Don't you know this is a critical period in their lives - if you don't find mutual true love by the time you're seventeen, you'll end up bitter and alone, weeping over your shattered dreams, only washing your hair on the anniversary of their deaths...
SNAPE: ...
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, right.
SCENE: Even Draco's hair has now entered a spiral of depression.
DRACO'S HAIR: Tiny Ruffled Bangs of Misery.
LAVENDER: *clutches Spoon of Death*
RON: I'm getting the feeling I upset Lavender in some way.
HARRY: Guys, do you think if I drugged myself I could get Slughorn to talk to me?
HERMIONE: Don't you mean, if you drugged him-
HARRY: No.
HERMIONE: Don't you think it would be easier to just drug h-
HARRY: Man, I am so wasted.
HERMIONE: Oh, boys.
HARRY: Heyyyy Slughorn.
SLUGHORN: Uh, have the ladies been dosing you again?
HARRY: NAH. I just feel REALLY AWESOME. Hey, let's take a WALK. Just you and a young celebrity and NATURE, what do you say?
SLUGHORN: That sounds inappropriate. I'm in!
HARRY: Just you and a young celebrity and a giant man and a giant spider and a copious amount of alcohol, how about it?
SLUGHORN: Wow, when you go for inappropriate, you really go all out!
HARRY: I AM the Chosen One.
HARRY: Remember the inappropriate gift my mom gave you? You should tell me all about that incriminating talk you had with Voldemort, or the fish bowl - which is like your heart - will remain always empty. Because a fish that was a petal that was symbolically my mom won't be there. Because the fish that was a petal that was my mother is also your courage. In the fishbowl. That is your heart.
SLUGHORN: Huh?
HARRY: SYMBOLISM. If you'd been paying attention to the Draco Malfoy scenes, you'd know it was important.
SLUGHORN: Okay here's the thing, Tom Riddle split his soul into like seven objects which he could've hidden literally anywhere. Anywhere in the world. You could be searching for them for like, years. There could be like, a hundred more movies.
HARRY: Wow.
SLUGHORN: I know.
HARRY: I'm really looking forward to 'Harry Potter Goes to Bermuda.'
HARRY: So Katie, I'm glad you're alive, and all-
KATIE: Draco Malfoy.
HARRY: I KNEW it.
KATIE: Is right behind you. You know, it's funny.
HARRY: The way he totally almost killed you?
KATIE: No, the way all the other students are wearing jumpers...
DRACO: *is wearing the Sweater Vest of Woe*
HARRY: I know you're in this bathroom, Malfoy! I've seen the Tiny Ruffled Bangs of Misery! I've seen the Sweater Vest of Woe! I know EVERYTHING-
DRACO: I am so wretched I have even wrenched off the Sweater Vest of Woe, further disarranging the Ruffled Bangs of Misery! Nothing can make my life worse!
HARRY: Oh, wow. Awkward.
DRACO: Seems I was mistaken.
HARRY: Gosh, I'm taken aback.
DRACO: By my EVIL?
HARRY: No, that I had pretty much figured out, I just thought you'd be dealing with your evil in a more manly way.
DRACO: What about my generally ineffectual drama queen routine of the last six years gave you that idea?
HARRY: Point. Okay, Imma kick your ass.
DRACO: I'll cut you!
HARRY: As the morally upright hero, I'm just going to use a mystery spell I found in a mystery book that - Whoops.
DRACO: *bleeds*
SNAPE: Oh my God, what the hell?
HARRY: Er. You know, Malfoy's been really depressed lately. Look at his hair. This whole cutting business was coming sooner or later anyway.
SNAPE: ...
HARRY: So I'm gonna go.
GINNY: So my suggestion is that we go up to the Room of Requirement, and hide the Half-Blood Prince's book somewhere you'll never find it.
HARRY: Ten-four.
GINNY: Just like the way I'll hide your Witches Gone Wild magazines in later life.
HARRY: Cool. What?
GINNY: And while we're up here, Harry - I'll keep you my dirty little secret. Who has to know?
HARRY: Seriously? AWESOME.
GINNY: Aside from all the people we invite to the wedding, and everyone who reads the announcement in the papers.
DUMBLEDORE: Let's go on a scary adventure, Harry. I know I can trust you to be my companion. You are so stalwart and true, and so unfailingly kind.
HARRY: Like... the time I found a kid crying in a bathroom and cut him?
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, it's best if you try never to make sense of anything I say. That's part of the whole sage thing. Now, let's go into a dark cave which is a death trap set by an evil megalomaniac, to drink poison and be attacked by a horde of zombies! I'm not scared, Harry, because I am with you.
HARRY: ... I'm scared.
DUMBLEDORE: So, up side, we have a new piece of costume jewellery. Down side, I have been poisoned to death. Get Snape, would you?
DRACO: Ahahaha, I have you cornered now, Dumbledore! My evil plan totally worked!
DUMBLEDORE: Dude, congratulations. You kind of accomplished more than Voldemort did in six years.
DRACO: Thanks! Do I get house points? I mean - shut up, I'm totally going to kill you.
DUMBLEDORE: See, I don't think you are. You're not a bad kid, even though you do fuss with your hair too much and dress like a pretentious ninja.
DRACO: I'm totally killing you for that.
DUMBLEDORE: I'm waiiiiting.
DRACO: Yeah, it's you or me, dude.
DUMBLEDORE: And I realise you're worried about your family, too.
DRACO: There'll be space for me to have more than one motivation in the script of 'Harry Potter Goes to Bermuda,' okay?
BELLATRIX: Did you kill him yet?
FENRIR: My man boobs are getting chilly up here on this tower. Can we get to the killing?
DUMBLEDORE: You did suffer artistically all year and make your hair have a nervous breakdown just in order to magically smuggle in these Death Eaters as, uh, moral support?
DRACO: My health is in ruins, my wardrobe has no shades of grey in it, and I am the only Death Eater ever not temperamentally suited to killing. My life cannot get any worse.
BELLATRIX: *kisses Draco on the neck*
DRACO: OH GOOD, WRONG AGAIN!
SNAPE: I will handle this before Draco has hysterics and falls right off the Astronomy Tower.
HARRY: Whew, thank God for Snape.
SNAPE: *kills Dumbledore*
HARRY: Well, thank God that's all sort - WAIT YOU WHAT?
SNAPE: *has definitely killed Dumbledore. Page 606. Check it, Harry.*
HARRY: Oh my God, the guy I never trusted isn't trustworthy - HOW CAN THIS BE?
DRACO: I can't believe I risked my health and hairstyles to smuggle in Death Eaters so they could dance on the tables.
BELLATRIX: And commit petty vandalism! Broken windows! Huts on fire!
DRACO: MY LIFE IS POINTLESS.
SNAPE: Draco, just wait for the next two movies. Bellatrix, let's go.
BELLATRIX: Wait, I wanted to spray-paint 'DUMBLEDORE SUX' and 'BELLA WOZ HERE' on the front of the castle...
SNAPE: I SAID LET'S GO.
HARRY: You killed Dumbledore, you bas-
SNAPE: Yes, Potter. Also, I am the Half-Blood Prince!
HARRY: I feel so, so betrayed.
SNAPE: I know, right? Secretly, I have been carrying on the most inappropriate student/teacher relationship of them all!
GINNY: Oh my God, Dumbledore's dead.
MCGONAGALL: Don't worry, kids, I know what to do. Everyone light your wands and wave them like you're listening to Def Leppard!
GINNY: Who?
MCGONAGALL: JUST WAVE.
HARRY: Oh, Hogwarts. How beautiful you are in the sunlight, covered by phoenixes, your hills and burned-up huts, your Quidditch pitches and spiders' graves, all the various youthful hijinks and actual felonies I have committed while here... I'll miss you when I'm in Bermuda.
HERMIONE: We'll always be with you, Harry. You need us.
HARRY: You've kind of been too wrapped up in your romantic drama to be much use, actually-
HERMIONE: Harry, trust me. My project for this year was to marry you off to Ginny Weasley, and that went pretty well, right?
HARRY: Well, I'm not married yet-
HERMIONE: We've set up an Elvis chapel in the Great Hall. Just you wait until you hear my great plan for the next two five impossible to determine number of movies!
HARRY: Okay, let's hear it.
HERMIONE: You sure you're ready?
HERMIONE: Brace yourselves, this one's a corker.
HERMIONE: Camping.
RON: ...
HARRY: ...