Fangirl Me
I've been thinking about myself and fandom and myself in fandom recently. None of this is news, I know, but I'm feeling very...something. I've always considered fandom something to be essentially ashamed of--I might be fannish about things, but it's kind of like masturbation. Just because I do it doesn't mean it's not embarrassing and, as my mother would say, beneath me.
Or so I've always pretty much felt.
But fuck it all, I'm tired of being embarrassed about it. I want to say it loud and proud, I'm a GOD DAMNED FANGIRL, all right? Suck it up!! When I was 7, years old I watched ST:TOS every single night and loved it. When I was in High School a friend of mine and I were going to do a shot for shot remake of Star Wars because we loved it so much (I was going to play C-3P0). When I was in college I went to SciFi conventions every year and watched every single episode of ST:TNG for the first three seasons, without missing a single one. I have adored all kinds of TV shows throughout my life from Starsky & Hutch to M*A*S*H to Simon & Simon to Remington Steele to ST:TNG to Mythbusters (and these are ones I don't slash--don't even get me started on the slashy ones).
I love slash fandom, I love smutty and romantic stories about people (mostly men) finding their way past the things that are separating them so that they can be together. I love squeeing over pretty guys. And I think the reason I love it is because a) a well written story is, in fact, a thing of joy b) because a single novel is both too long (because I don't really have the patience to read it) and too short (because I want to sink my teeth into a character for *years* and really get to know them). And I like fandom because I get to see more than one person's perspective on the characters. I get to see multiple perspectives.
I have read, and really love, some gen stories--though in general I have a preference for the slash. Partly because I'm a romantic and partly because, I think, I like to explore the barriers that keep people apart and the things that bring them together. And that exploration is part of the *point*. And it's harder with Gen to get a fully satisfactory exploration because what I care about, what I'm interested in is how people do and don't fall and stay in love with one another.
In some ways requesting reccomendations from people is a way of asking them to reveal themselves very deeply--you can learn a lot about a person from the stories they recommend because everyone is drawn to stories that touch their interests and their issues. And I think people wind out in fandoms because they're pimped into them, yes, or because the boys (or girls, or whatever) are pretty. Yes. All very true. But, at least for me, that gets me to read two, maybe three stories (Legolas/Aragorn ayone) and then I move to stories where maybe the people are't so pretty but the writing is good and the characters are part of me.
I think I do the fannish serial monogamy thing (for the most part) because I do want to really sink into one dynamic, one set of issues for a while. And then I move on because I get less interested in Logical!Reserved!Passionate!Spock and Emotional!Passionate!Loyal!Kirk and move on to TS fandom. And I'm all about the issues with Uncommunicative!Grumpy!Protective!Jim and Talkative!Hyper!Protective!Blair. But eventually I get tired of that too and I want to move on.
There are definitely things that I come back to--emotional reserve (from Spock to Jim Ellison to Fraser and Gil Grissom, oh yeah!). Because I am very squee-ish but, like all of those men, I keep the things that hurt me, that scare me, that I *need* very close to the vest. Sometimes so close that even I don't know about them. I come back to stories where people overcome having been hurt and learning to trust again. I come back to stories that are tremedously romantic, because this has happened more than once in my family (ask me about my Mom and P-San and my brother and his wife sometime).
My fannish new year's resolution this year is twofold. First, I'm going to stop being embarrassed about being a Squeeing!Fangirl, because it ain't right to go through your life being embarrassed about who you've always been. And second, I want to make more of a contribution to fandom--by writing, by supporting people with comments on stories, icons, songvids, whatever, that I enjoy. I might learn to make icons so I can give those to the community. I might learn to make wallpapers for the same reason. Also, making friends and supporting people throughout the fannish community. Whatever I can do to make a contribution, however small, to fandom, I want to do.
Oh and a little GIP, GIP gifty for the due South fans...
Or so I've always pretty much felt.
But fuck it all, I'm tired of being embarrassed about it. I want to say it loud and proud, I'm a GOD DAMNED FANGIRL, all right? Suck it up!! When I was 7, years old I watched ST:TOS every single night and loved it. When I was in High School a friend of mine and I were going to do a shot for shot remake of Star Wars because we loved it so much (I was going to play C-3P0). When I was in college I went to SciFi conventions every year and watched every single episode of ST:TNG for the first three seasons, without missing a single one. I have adored all kinds of TV shows throughout my life from Starsky & Hutch to M*A*S*H to Simon & Simon to Remington Steele to ST:TNG to Mythbusters (and these are ones I don't slash--don't even get me started on the slashy ones).
I love slash fandom, I love smutty and romantic stories about people (mostly men) finding their way past the things that are separating them so that they can be together. I love squeeing over pretty guys. And I think the reason I love it is because a) a well written story is, in fact, a thing of joy b) because a single novel is both too long (because I don't really have the patience to read it) and too short (because I want to sink my teeth into a character for *years* and really get to know them). And I like fandom because I get to see more than one person's perspective on the characters. I get to see multiple perspectives.
I have read, and really love, some gen stories--though in general I have a preference for the slash. Partly because I'm a romantic and partly because, I think, I like to explore the barriers that keep people apart and the things that bring them together. And that exploration is part of the *point*. And it's harder with Gen to get a fully satisfactory exploration because what I care about, what I'm interested in is how people do and don't fall and stay in love with one another.
In some ways requesting reccomendations from people is a way of asking them to reveal themselves very deeply--you can learn a lot about a person from the stories they recommend because everyone is drawn to stories that touch their interests and their issues. And I think people wind out in fandoms because they're pimped into them, yes, or because the boys (or girls, or whatever) are pretty. Yes. All very true. But, at least for me, that gets me to read two, maybe three stories (Legolas/Aragorn ayone) and then I move to stories where maybe the people are't so pretty but the writing is good and the characters are part of me.
I think I do the fannish serial monogamy thing (for the most part) because I do want to really sink into one dynamic, one set of issues for a while. And then I move on because I get less interested in Logical!Reserved!Passionate!Spock and Emotional!Passionate!Loyal!Kirk and move on to TS fandom. And I'm all about the issues with Uncommunicative!Grumpy!Protective!Jim and Talkative!Hyper!Protective!Blair. But eventually I get tired of that too and I want to move on.
There are definitely things that I come back to--emotional reserve (from Spock to Jim Ellison to Fraser and Gil Grissom, oh yeah!). Because I am very squee-ish but, like all of those men, I keep the things that hurt me, that scare me, that I *need* very close to the vest. Sometimes so close that even I don't know about them. I come back to stories where people overcome having been hurt and learning to trust again. I come back to stories that are tremedously romantic, because this has happened more than once in my family (ask me about my Mom and P-San and my brother and his wife sometime).
My fannish new year's resolution this year is twofold. First, I'm going to stop being embarrassed about being a Squeeing!Fangirl, because it ain't right to go through your life being embarrassed about who you've always been. And second, I want to make more of a contribution to fandom--by writing, by supporting people with comments on stories, icons, songvids, whatever, that I enjoy. I might learn to make icons so I can give those to the community. I might learn to make wallpapers for the same reason. Also, making friends and supporting people throughout the fannish community. Whatever I can do to make a contribution, however small, to fandom, I want to do.
Oh and a little GIP, GIP gifty for the due South fans...