SPN - Your life is here - Sam/Castiel - R
Title: Your life is here, part six a of six
Author: sephirothflame
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: R
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Castiel/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester
Warning(s): Language, Angst, AU, Sam's a whiny bitch who texts too much
Spoiler(s): Through 5.22, "Swan Song" just to be safe
Prompt(s): N/A
Word Count: Approx. 3,336
Beta Reader: fallingemerald
Rants: This has got to be the longest, porniest thing I've ever written. The full chapter is just shy of 9K, but since that's as long as the first five parts this is split into part six a and part six b.
Summary: Sam hasn't heard from Castiel since he vanished from the warehouse. When he shows back up, Sam's determined to make every moment count, even if the end is extremely freaking nigh.
Master List: Here
Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
Crossposted to: My ff.net, sn_slash and sam_castiel
Sam's scared. Terrified, really, or petrified or panicked or a half dozen other synonyms, he doesn't care. That twisty feeling in his gut that makes him want to cry and scream and puke and punch something at the same time, whatever it's called, he's got that feeling. He's called Castiel three times since they left the warehouse like a bat out of Hell an hour ago and sent him a half million text messages - all of it a variation of; I'm freaked the fuck out, call me already.
The entire car ride back to Bobby's place thus far has been spent in tense silence between Sam and Dean. Sam knows Dean knows something is going on between him and Castiel, can see it in the guarded way his brother is looking at him and the way they're pointedly not talking about it. Dean's knuckles are white as they clench the steering wheel of a '98 Jeep Grand Cherokee he'd hot wired. It was the only thing they could find.
Sam keeps checking his phone every few minutes. He can't help it. He needs to know Castiel is going to be okay. He isn't sure if he can live with himself if the angel isn't. This is all Sam's fault, after all. He shouldn't have carved the sigil into Castiel's chest, he should have convinced him to find another way. There had to have been another way. There's always another way.
“If he didn't reply to the first text, what makes you think he's going to reply to the thousandth?” Dean asks. He sounds exhausted and he watches Sam warily out of the corner of his eyes, and even though Sam knows he means no harm he can't help but bristle up in anger and annoyance.
“Just shut up and drive,” Sam snaps, glaring at his phone as his fingers flitter across the keypad as he typed; Cas, please please please reply. Freaking out here. Sam doesn't hesitate before hitting 'Send' and he can see Dean clench the steering wheel impossibly tighter.
“You're not the only one worried about him,” Dean responds and Sam huffs at him angrily. “He's my friend, too, Sam and this is as much my fault as it is yours so just - “
“You're not the one who carved a banishing sigil into his chest,” Sam says through clenched teeth and Dean doesn't seem to know what to say in response to that. “Listen - can we just not talk about this?”
“Not talking about things is kind of my specialty,” Dean replies.
Sam isn't sure if he wants to laugh at his brother, or punch him.
-
They make it back to Bobby's with the sun shining in their faces over a day later. They haven't stopped for anything besides food and to switch drivers when Dean was ready to fall asleep at the wheel. Dean manages to tell Bobby to get rid of the Jeep, just in case, before the old hunter banishes them upstairs to the guest room. Dean calls dibs on the bed and passes out the minute he lays down on it. Sam sits with his back against the wall on the cot, cross legged with his phone balanced on one knee. He doesn't sleep.
At Bobby's now. We're okay. Sam texts, laying the phone back down. He stares at it for a moment before he picks it up and starts typing again. I need to know you're okay. Please say something. He continues, fingers jittery as they type, like maybe if Sam sends Castiel enough messages the angel will be okay.
God, Sam hopes Castiel is okay. He'd much rather learn that Castiel's just so pissed off at him that he doesn't want to come back, or that Sam's confession freaked him out enough to make him stay away. Castiel's avoided them before, but he usually at least messages one of them back to let them know he's still alive or searching for God or whatever. Sam doesn't want to think about the alternative.
Which prompts Sam to send another text, a lump forming in the back of his throat and his vision is blurry. It's because he's tired, he tells himself. I understand if you hate me. Please just let me know that you're okay.
His phone beeps at him five minutes after he sends the last message and Sam nearly screams in frustration when it's just a low battery warning and not a reply. Ruffling through his duffel, Sam finds the charger and plugs it in before settling back to stare at the phone for the rest of the morning.
-
Three days have gone by and they still haven't heard from Castiel. Sam hasn't slept for more than an hour stretch at a time, fingers curled painfully tight around the plastic of his cellphone. He probably wouldn't have bothered to shower, and shave, and eat if Dean and Bobby hadn't threatened his life.
He keeps his phone within arms reach at all times, in case Castiel finally decides to call or text him.
-
Dean made burgers. Sam types before his finger hovers over the 'Send' button. He isn't sure why he feels like he needs to bribe Castiel back into his life, but he's willing to try anything at this point. He absolutely refuses to believe Castiel is simply gone.
Sam isn't sure what he'd do if he lost Castiel. He remembers what it felt like to lose Jess and Dean; both to hell and over and over again to Gabriel at the Mystery Spot. It still hurts, all of it - especially since a lot of it is probably his fault, if not all of It.
Sam stops eating his burger long enough to pick up his phone and send another text to Castiel. It's raining and I just realized my hoodie is outside. He doesn't have to look up to know Bobby and Dean are sharing A Look, one that says Sammy's crazy, you should talk to him but neither seems to want to be the one to do it.
Sam manages to finish his food and slink off upstairs back to the guest bedroom, before either of them works up enough guts or drinks enough booze to confront him. Not that Sam would ever admit to slinking. He's not five, after all.
He curls up on the bed, the cellphone on his pillow next to his head and somehow he manages to drift off for an hour or two. He wakes when it beeps at him to tell him it's dying and he rolls out of bed to plug it in to charge. It's dark out and he intends to go back to bed, but he can hear loud, muffled voices from downstairs so he pushes open the door to listen in.
He can't hear what they're saying word for word, but they keep saying “Sam” and “Castiel” and Bobby says something about how “Sam's killing himself and Dean ain't doing anything about it.” Sam isn't sure what's said back, but he's sure Dean's pissed. He kind of wants to go downstairs but he can't bring himself to leave his phone.
Sam closes the door as quietly as he can before climbing back into the bed, fingers curled around his phone. He pretends to be asleep an hour later when Dean comes up and falls asleep on the cot on the other side of the room. He doesn't need to. Dean knows he's awake, he always does.
They lay in silence for a long time before Dean's breath evens out and he finally falls asleep. Sam lets out a sigh he didn't know he was holding and turned his cellphone over in his hand and sends another text message. Cas, please.
-
Bobby kicks them out five days after they showed up in the Jeep. Dean's glad to be in the Impala again and Sam's too tired to make fun of him for cooing at her, promising she will always be his one true love. They drive in silence for the first few hours, no idea where they're going, just that they're not welcomed at Bobby's right now unless one of them is dying. Sam feels like he's dying, but that probably doesn't count.
His finger's itch to text Castiel again, but Sam thinks he's starting to control the urge. That doesn't stop him from staring at his phone with intense preoccupation from it's spot on the dashboard though. He thinks Dean may have tried to talk to him but he's too focused to even remember about what.
They're still not talking about the thing between Sam and Castiel. As much as Dean hates talking about feelings he's dying to know if Sam's okay. The looks he keeps giving Sam are proof enough for that. Sam kind of wonders if Dean will punch Castiel for hurting Sam like he did to Jeffrey Something-Or-Other when Sam was in the eleventh grade and he called Sam a faggot and broke two of Sam's fingers. Sam thinks he might just let him.
-
“We need to find someplace to stop,” Dean says, barely audible over the familiar cacophony of Led Zepplin, torrential rain and the Impala's windshield wipers. When Sam gives him a bitchface, Dean glowers. “At least until this storm is over. I'm not wrecking my baby.”
“We should just keep going, Dean,” Sam huffs but Dean's ignoring him in favor for searching for someplace to pull over. If worse comes to worst Sam knows Dean will just pull over on the side of the road and they'll wait the storm out that way, but only as a final option. “Seriously, it's not like we're even going anywhere.”
“Which is why we we are just going to pull over now,” Dean replies with finality. “Seriously, I get that your hellbent on finding Cas, I miss the guy too, but we're not going to find him just by sitting in the Impala driving in the rain where we could potentially die in an accident.”
This isn't about Cas, Sam wants to snap at Dean but he isn't sure if he has the resolve to lie right now. He's too tired to even fight properly. “Fine,” he mutters darkly, slouching down in his seat. “Whatever.” He doesn't bring up the fact that Dean raises a very valid point. They're never going to find Castiel if they just keep moving.
-
We were grounded by a rainstorm. Dean found a place called the Elysian Fields. Sam sends before picking at his food in disinterest. Dean's watching him in that way they've both learned to watch without being obvious, but really is because Sam knows everything about Dean.
“Are you going to ask or not?” Sam asks, sighing heavily as he pushes his plate away from him. He knows Dean's been dying to know what's up with Sam for the last few days and Sam is kind of tired of being stared at, especially since he hasn't done anything wrong.
Dean opens his mouth to snap at Sam, annoyance on his face for being caught out, but clenches his jaw shut instead. Sam's starting to think he might not speak but Dean surprises him. “What the hell is going on between you and Cas?” He asks, eyes narrowed. “And don't say nothing because I saw you two outside that warehouse.”
“What do you want me to say, Dean?” Sam snaps before he glares at his older brother. “That you're just being paranoid because you're jealous Cas likes me more than he likes you? Or do you want me to tell you that Cas and I are having se-”
“Oh God, mental images,” Dean says and Sam shuts up in favor of just bitchfacing Dean. “And ha! I knew it! And it's totally not paranoia since you two really are - Ugh. Really, Sam? Really? Cas? Of all the people - ”
“What's wrong with Cas?” Sam asks defensively, and Dean gives him a look that says if you don't know, I'm not telling. Sam knows he really shouldn't pull up the Bad Mistake Girls Dean's slept with in the past because, hello, Ruby is at the top of his own list, but he doesn't understand what Dean's got against Castiel. “What?”
“Nothing!” Dean snaps back, glowering at Sam over his pie. “He's just so - argh. He's Cas.”
It isn't until Dean's cheeks flush despite his annoyance that Sam realizes Dean is jealous. Dean has always gone out of his way to give Sam whatever he wants and even though they're not kids anymore, Sam is still taking everything that Dean considers his own. Castiel rose Dean from Perdition and he's probably the only real friend Dean's ever had and Sam's been acting like Dean doesn't even care.
Sam suddenly feels even worse now; ten minutes ago he wouldn't have even thought it possible.
-
If there is one good thing about trying to figure out how to stay alive and not be eaten by Pagan Gods it's that he doesn't have time to worry about whether Castiel is okay or not. He'll probably feel guilty about it later, he's sure, but there isn't any time to right now.
-
Gabriel hesitates before he leaves to get their blood back from Kali, like he can't quite make up his mind about whether he should say something or not. Sam squirms under the intensity of the Archangel's gaze and he can feel Dean tense up beside him. It's weird, because he's pretty sure Gabriel's avoided looking at him all night thus far.
“Don't you have something you should be doing, Gabriel?” Dean asks, and yeah, he's pissed but Gabriel's face breaks out into a scowl as he looks over at the oldest Winchester.
“I'm getting to it,” Gabriel says, rolling his eyes before pointing a finger at Sam. “You should be ashamed of yourself, Sammysaurus Rex.”
Sam's completely thrown off by the comment, and he isn't even sure why he's supposed to be ashamed of. Not to mention, oh my God, what the hell had Gabriel just called him? “What are you on about now?” He asks through clenched teeth.
“I wasn't going to mention it because this is my baby brother we're talking about,” Gabriel says lazily, the corner of his lips twitching up into a smile. “You're covered in Castiel. You two really should learn subtlety. Where is he, anyways?” Gabriel pauses and looks genuinely surprised that he's just now noticed Castiel isn't lurking nearby awkwardly.
“He's not around,” Dean snaps back harshly at the same time Sam asks, “I'm what?”
“You, Gigantor,” Gabriel says slowly, lifting his hands to gesture at all of Sam in a vague manner, “Are completely covered in Castiel.” When Sam and Dean just continue to stare at him, Gabriel rolls his eyes again. “His essence, his angel mojo! You're like a shining beacon and it's screaming that you've been doing naughty things with my little bro.”
Sam actually blushes when Gabriel waggles his eyebrows at him, sputtering uselessly. “Don't you have blood to be retrieving?” Sam spits, trying to reign in his embarrassment.
“You are no fun whatsoever,” Gabriel pouts - actually pouts - before he snaps himself away.
“Don't you dare,” Sam snaps at Dean, who can't seem to make up his mind on whether he wants to be amused or disgusted. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
“Whatever you say, Sammy,” Dean says, trailing after him.
-
Gabriel is dead. Sam types slowly, fingers hesitating before he hits 'Send'. He doesn't know why he keeps doing this to himself, messaging Castiel. If the angel was capable of getting back to them he would have done it by now. It's been over a week. Still, he can't stop himself from messaging him. He saved us, though, and he told us how to end it all. Sam adds before he hits 'Send'.
Sam refuses to give up on Castiel. He is going to find the angel again, even if it's the last thing he does.
-
Sam knows he shouldn't be thinking about it, but the thought has been playing itself out in his mind for the last few hours. His cellphone is laying on the pillow next to him, but he's watching Dean sleep, rather than it for once. He thinks it might be progress but he isn't sure since he still can't bring himself to close his eyes.
Bobby was possessed once but he managed to regain control of his body. If they can find the last two Horseman of the Apocalypse they'll still need a way to trap Lucifer inside of his cage. It starts off as a wayward thought, but Sam wonders if he might be able to do the same thing as Bobby. He wonders if he can be stronger than Lucifer, at least for a little while. Long enough for it to count.
Dean would kill him if he knew what Sam was even entertaining the idea. They didn't fight this hard at saying 'no' just to say 'yes' at the eleventh hour.
Sighing heavily, Sam rolls onto his back and tries to force his mind blank. He isn't sure how long it takes, but only that, eventually, he falls asleep because he wakes up with the sun shining on his face through the cracked window curtains. Today is going to be a long day.
-
Sam doesn't call Dean a hypocrite even though he sorely wants to. Instead he chooses to sit on a rickety chair in the kitchen and bitches to Castiel, and even though the angel isn't there it still makes him feel kind of better. He's sure Castiel would feel the same were he around, anyways.
Dean's run off with Crowley to get Pestilence's ring. Sam sends, his fingers flying over the keyboard. He's left me alone in Crowley's new place. I think it might collapse on me. and I miss you Cas. Please come back. follow shortly after.
Please, he says.
-
Sam's too tired to be pissed off. As far as he's concerned, his entire life has been a lie - at least, all of the life that was his at college. Brady, his ex-best friend wasn't even Brady. Sam wants to feel like screaming or smashing something or maybe even bursting into tears like the girl Dean is always accusing him of being but he doesn't think he has it in him at this point.
He's got a nagging feeling in him and he clutches his cellphone tightly in his hand as he resists the urge to send another message to Castiel. A part of him can't help but feel like maybe Brady was right, maybe he isn't anything more than Lucifer's vessel. Maybe he doesn't deserve Castiel. Maybe - he can't quell the thoughts now that they've started and a part of Sam thinks maybe they haven't heard from Castiel because Castiel knows. He knows he's too good for Sam, knows that Sam doesn't deserve him.
Sam bites back the bitter nausea tumbling around in his stomach and forces himself to look out the window of the Impala and focuses on trying not to think. It's redundant but he can't think about this now. He doesn't want to think that the reason Castiel didn't say “I love you” back is because he was disgusted by Sam, but it's all he can focus on.
-
I'm sorry for everything. All of this is my fault.
I messed up bad, I know I did. Please don't hate me for this.
I'll make it up, somehow. I'll figure this out. I'll make it right.
and
I love you, Cas.
Concluded in No eleventh hour reprieve.
Author: sephirothflame
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: R
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Castiel/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester
Warning(s): Language, Angst, AU, Sam's a whiny bitch who texts too much
Spoiler(s): Through 5.22, "Swan Song" just to be safe
Prompt(s): N/A
Word Count: Approx. 3,336
Beta Reader: fallingemerald
Rants: This has got to be the longest, porniest thing I've ever written. The full chapter is just shy of 9K, but since that's as long as the first five parts this is split into part six a and part six b.
Summary: Sam hasn't heard from Castiel since he vanished from the warehouse. When he shows back up, Sam's determined to make every moment count, even if the end is extremely freaking nigh.
Master List: Here
Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
Crossposted to: My ff.net, sn_slash and sam_castiel
Sam's scared. Terrified, really, or petrified or panicked or a half dozen other synonyms, he doesn't care. That twisty feeling in his gut that makes him want to cry and scream and puke and punch something at the same time, whatever it's called, he's got that feeling. He's called Castiel three times since they left the warehouse like a bat out of Hell an hour ago and sent him a half million text messages - all of it a variation of; I'm freaked the fuck out, call me already.
The entire car ride back to Bobby's place thus far has been spent in tense silence between Sam and Dean. Sam knows Dean knows something is going on between him and Castiel, can see it in the guarded way his brother is looking at him and the way they're pointedly not talking about it. Dean's knuckles are white as they clench the steering wheel of a '98 Jeep Grand Cherokee he'd hot wired. It was the only thing they could find.
Sam keeps checking his phone every few minutes. He can't help it. He needs to know Castiel is going to be okay. He isn't sure if he can live with himself if the angel isn't. This is all Sam's fault, after all. He shouldn't have carved the sigil into Castiel's chest, he should have convinced him to find another way. There had to have been another way. There's always another way.
“If he didn't reply to the first text, what makes you think he's going to reply to the thousandth?” Dean asks. He sounds exhausted and he watches Sam warily out of the corner of his eyes, and even though Sam knows he means no harm he can't help but bristle up in anger and annoyance.
“Just shut up and drive,” Sam snaps, glaring at his phone as his fingers flitter across the keypad as he typed; Cas, please please please reply. Freaking out here. Sam doesn't hesitate before hitting 'Send' and he can see Dean clench the steering wheel impossibly tighter.
“You're not the only one worried about him,” Dean responds and Sam huffs at him angrily. “He's my friend, too, Sam and this is as much my fault as it is yours so just - “
“You're not the one who carved a banishing sigil into his chest,” Sam says through clenched teeth and Dean doesn't seem to know what to say in response to that. “Listen - can we just not talk about this?”
“Not talking about things is kind of my specialty,” Dean replies.
Sam isn't sure if he wants to laugh at his brother, or punch him.
-
They make it back to Bobby's with the sun shining in their faces over a day later. They haven't stopped for anything besides food and to switch drivers when Dean was ready to fall asleep at the wheel. Dean manages to tell Bobby to get rid of the Jeep, just in case, before the old hunter banishes them upstairs to the guest room. Dean calls dibs on the bed and passes out the minute he lays down on it. Sam sits with his back against the wall on the cot, cross legged with his phone balanced on one knee. He doesn't sleep.
At Bobby's now. We're okay. Sam texts, laying the phone back down. He stares at it for a moment before he picks it up and starts typing again. I need to know you're okay. Please say something. He continues, fingers jittery as they type, like maybe if Sam sends Castiel enough messages the angel will be okay.
God, Sam hopes Castiel is okay. He'd much rather learn that Castiel's just so pissed off at him that he doesn't want to come back, or that Sam's confession freaked him out enough to make him stay away. Castiel's avoided them before, but he usually at least messages one of them back to let them know he's still alive or searching for God or whatever. Sam doesn't want to think about the alternative.
Which prompts Sam to send another text, a lump forming in the back of his throat and his vision is blurry. It's because he's tired, he tells himself. I understand if you hate me. Please just let me know that you're okay.
His phone beeps at him five minutes after he sends the last message and Sam nearly screams in frustration when it's just a low battery warning and not a reply. Ruffling through his duffel, Sam finds the charger and plugs it in before settling back to stare at the phone for the rest of the morning.
-
Three days have gone by and they still haven't heard from Castiel. Sam hasn't slept for more than an hour stretch at a time, fingers curled painfully tight around the plastic of his cellphone. He probably wouldn't have bothered to shower, and shave, and eat if Dean and Bobby hadn't threatened his life.
He keeps his phone within arms reach at all times, in case Castiel finally decides to call or text him.
-
Dean made burgers. Sam types before his finger hovers over the 'Send' button. He isn't sure why he feels like he needs to bribe Castiel back into his life, but he's willing to try anything at this point. He absolutely refuses to believe Castiel is simply gone.
Sam isn't sure what he'd do if he lost Castiel. He remembers what it felt like to lose Jess and Dean; both to hell and over and over again to Gabriel at the Mystery Spot. It still hurts, all of it - especially since a lot of it is probably his fault, if not all of It.
Sam stops eating his burger long enough to pick up his phone and send another text to Castiel. It's raining and I just realized my hoodie is outside. He doesn't have to look up to know Bobby and Dean are sharing A Look, one that says Sammy's crazy, you should talk to him but neither seems to want to be the one to do it.
Sam manages to finish his food and slink off upstairs back to the guest bedroom, before either of them works up enough guts or drinks enough booze to confront him. Not that Sam would ever admit to slinking. He's not five, after all.
He curls up on the bed, the cellphone on his pillow next to his head and somehow he manages to drift off for an hour or two. He wakes when it beeps at him to tell him it's dying and he rolls out of bed to plug it in to charge. It's dark out and he intends to go back to bed, but he can hear loud, muffled voices from downstairs so he pushes open the door to listen in.
He can't hear what they're saying word for word, but they keep saying “Sam” and “Castiel” and Bobby says something about how “Sam's killing himself and Dean ain't doing anything about it.” Sam isn't sure what's said back, but he's sure Dean's pissed. He kind of wants to go downstairs but he can't bring himself to leave his phone.
Sam closes the door as quietly as he can before climbing back into the bed, fingers curled around his phone. He pretends to be asleep an hour later when Dean comes up and falls asleep on the cot on the other side of the room. He doesn't need to. Dean knows he's awake, he always does.
They lay in silence for a long time before Dean's breath evens out and he finally falls asleep. Sam lets out a sigh he didn't know he was holding and turned his cellphone over in his hand and sends another text message. Cas, please.
-
Bobby kicks them out five days after they showed up in the Jeep. Dean's glad to be in the Impala again and Sam's too tired to make fun of him for cooing at her, promising she will always be his one true love. They drive in silence for the first few hours, no idea where they're going, just that they're not welcomed at Bobby's right now unless one of them is dying. Sam feels like he's dying, but that probably doesn't count.
His finger's itch to text Castiel again, but Sam thinks he's starting to control the urge. That doesn't stop him from staring at his phone with intense preoccupation from it's spot on the dashboard though. He thinks Dean may have tried to talk to him but he's too focused to even remember about what.
They're still not talking about the thing between Sam and Castiel. As much as Dean hates talking about feelings he's dying to know if Sam's okay. The looks he keeps giving Sam are proof enough for that. Sam kind of wonders if Dean will punch Castiel for hurting Sam like he did to Jeffrey Something-Or-Other when Sam was in the eleventh grade and he called Sam a faggot and broke two of Sam's fingers. Sam thinks he might just let him.
-
“We need to find someplace to stop,” Dean says, barely audible over the familiar cacophony of Led Zepplin, torrential rain and the Impala's windshield wipers. When Sam gives him a bitchface, Dean glowers. “At least until this storm is over. I'm not wrecking my baby.”
“We should just keep going, Dean,” Sam huffs but Dean's ignoring him in favor for searching for someplace to pull over. If worse comes to worst Sam knows Dean will just pull over on the side of the road and they'll wait the storm out that way, but only as a final option. “Seriously, it's not like we're even going anywhere.”
“Which is why we we are just going to pull over now,” Dean replies with finality. “Seriously, I get that your hellbent on finding Cas, I miss the guy too, but we're not going to find him just by sitting in the Impala driving in the rain where we could potentially die in an accident.”
This isn't about Cas, Sam wants to snap at Dean but he isn't sure if he has the resolve to lie right now. He's too tired to even fight properly. “Fine,” he mutters darkly, slouching down in his seat. “Whatever.” He doesn't bring up the fact that Dean raises a very valid point. They're never going to find Castiel if they just keep moving.
-
We were grounded by a rainstorm. Dean found a place called the Elysian Fields. Sam sends before picking at his food in disinterest. Dean's watching him in that way they've both learned to watch without being obvious, but really is because Sam knows everything about Dean.
“Are you going to ask or not?” Sam asks, sighing heavily as he pushes his plate away from him. He knows Dean's been dying to know what's up with Sam for the last few days and Sam is kind of tired of being stared at, especially since he hasn't done anything wrong.
Dean opens his mouth to snap at Sam, annoyance on his face for being caught out, but clenches his jaw shut instead. Sam's starting to think he might not speak but Dean surprises him. “What the hell is going on between you and Cas?” He asks, eyes narrowed. “And don't say nothing because I saw you two outside that warehouse.”
“What do you want me to say, Dean?” Sam snaps before he glares at his older brother. “That you're just being paranoid because you're jealous Cas likes me more than he likes you? Or do you want me to tell you that Cas and I are having se-”
“Oh God, mental images,” Dean says and Sam shuts up in favor of just bitchfacing Dean. “And ha! I knew it! And it's totally not paranoia since you two really are - Ugh. Really, Sam? Really? Cas? Of all the people - ”
“What's wrong with Cas?” Sam asks defensively, and Dean gives him a look that says if you don't know, I'm not telling. Sam knows he really shouldn't pull up the Bad Mistake Girls Dean's slept with in the past because, hello, Ruby is at the top of his own list, but he doesn't understand what Dean's got against Castiel. “What?”
“Nothing!” Dean snaps back, glowering at Sam over his pie. “He's just so - argh. He's Cas.”
It isn't until Dean's cheeks flush despite his annoyance that Sam realizes Dean is jealous. Dean has always gone out of his way to give Sam whatever he wants and even though they're not kids anymore, Sam is still taking everything that Dean considers his own. Castiel rose Dean from Perdition and he's probably the only real friend Dean's ever had and Sam's been acting like Dean doesn't even care.
Sam suddenly feels even worse now; ten minutes ago he wouldn't have even thought it possible.
-
If there is one good thing about trying to figure out how to stay alive and not be eaten by Pagan Gods it's that he doesn't have time to worry about whether Castiel is okay or not. He'll probably feel guilty about it later, he's sure, but there isn't any time to right now.
-
Gabriel hesitates before he leaves to get their blood back from Kali, like he can't quite make up his mind about whether he should say something or not. Sam squirms under the intensity of the Archangel's gaze and he can feel Dean tense up beside him. It's weird, because he's pretty sure Gabriel's avoided looking at him all night thus far.
“Don't you have something you should be doing, Gabriel?” Dean asks, and yeah, he's pissed but Gabriel's face breaks out into a scowl as he looks over at the oldest Winchester.
“I'm getting to it,” Gabriel says, rolling his eyes before pointing a finger at Sam. “You should be ashamed of yourself, Sammysaurus Rex.”
Sam's completely thrown off by the comment, and he isn't even sure why he's supposed to be ashamed of. Not to mention, oh my God, what the hell had Gabriel just called him? “What are you on about now?” He asks through clenched teeth.
“I wasn't going to mention it because this is my baby brother we're talking about,” Gabriel says lazily, the corner of his lips twitching up into a smile. “You're covered in Castiel. You two really should learn subtlety. Where is he, anyways?” Gabriel pauses and looks genuinely surprised that he's just now noticed Castiel isn't lurking nearby awkwardly.
“He's not around,” Dean snaps back harshly at the same time Sam asks, “I'm what?”
“You, Gigantor,” Gabriel says slowly, lifting his hands to gesture at all of Sam in a vague manner, “Are completely covered in Castiel.” When Sam and Dean just continue to stare at him, Gabriel rolls his eyes again. “His essence, his angel mojo! You're like a shining beacon and it's screaming that you've been doing naughty things with my little bro.”
Sam actually blushes when Gabriel waggles his eyebrows at him, sputtering uselessly. “Don't you have blood to be retrieving?” Sam spits, trying to reign in his embarrassment.
“You are no fun whatsoever,” Gabriel pouts - actually pouts - before he snaps himself away.
“Don't you dare,” Sam snaps at Dean, who can't seem to make up his mind on whether he wants to be amused or disgusted. “Come on, let's get out of here.”
“Whatever you say, Sammy,” Dean says, trailing after him.
-
Gabriel is dead. Sam types slowly, fingers hesitating before he hits 'Send'. He doesn't know why he keeps doing this to himself, messaging Castiel. If the angel was capable of getting back to them he would have done it by now. It's been over a week. Still, he can't stop himself from messaging him. He saved us, though, and he told us how to end it all. Sam adds before he hits 'Send'.
Sam refuses to give up on Castiel. He is going to find the angel again, even if it's the last thing he does.
-
Sam knows he shouldn't be thinking about it, but the thought has been playing itself out in his mind for the last few hours. His cellphone is laying on the pillow next to him, but he's watching Dean sleep, rather than it for once. He thinks it might be progress but he isn't sure since he still can't bring himself to close his eyes.
Bobby was possessed once but he managed to regain control of his body. If they can find the last two Horseman of the Apocalypse they'll still need a way to trap Lucifer inside of his cage. It starts off as a wayward thought, but Sam wonders if he might be able to do the same thing as Bobby. He wonders if he can be stronger than Lucifer, at least for a little while. Long enough for it to count.
Dean would kill him if he knew what Sam was even entertaining the idea. They didn't fight this hard at saying 'no' just to say 'yes' at the eleventh hour.
Sighing heavily, Sam rolls onto his back and tries to force his mind blank. He isn't sure how long it takes, but only that, eventually, he falls asleep because he wakes up with the sun shining on his face through the cracked window curtains. Today is going to be a long day.
-
Sam doesn't call Dean a hypocrite even though he sorely wants to. Instead he chooses to sit on a rickety chair in the kitchen and bitches to Castiel, and even though the angel isn't there it still makes him feel kind of better. He's sure Castiel would feel the same were he around, anyways.
Dean's run off with Crowley to get Pestilence's ring. Sam sends, his fingers flying over the keyboard. He's left me alone in Crowley's new place. I think it might collapse on me. and I miss you Cas. Please come back. follow shortly after.
Please, he says.
-
Sam's too tired to be pissed off. As far as he's concerned, his entire life has been a lie - at least, all of the life that was his at college. Brady, his ex-best friend wasn't even Brady. Sam wants to feel like screaming or smashing something or maybe even bursting into tears like the girl Dean is always accusing him of being but he doesn't think he has it in him at this point.
He's got a nagging feeling in him and he clutches his cellphone tightly in his hand as he resists the urge to send another message to Castiel. A part of him can't help but feel like maybe Brady was right, maybe he isn't anything more than Lucifer's vessel. Maybe he doesn't deserve Castiel. Maybe - he can't quell the thoughts now that they've started and a part of Sam thinks maybe they haven't heard from Castiel because Castiel knows. He knows he's too good for Sam, knows that Sam doesn't deserve him.
Sam bites back the bitter nausea tumbling around in his stomach and forces himself to look out the window of the Impala and focuses on trying not to think. It's redundant but he can't think about this now. He doesn't want to think that the reason Castiel didn't say “I love you” back is because he was disgusted by Sam, but it's all he can focus on.
-
I'm sorry for everything. All of this is my fault.
I messed up bad, I know I did. Please don't hate me for this.
I'll make it up, somehow. I'll figure this out. I'll make it right.
and
I love you, Cas.
Concluded in No eleventh hour reprieve.