A Matter of Time, part 6/10
Title:A Matter of Time part 6/10
warnings angst, romance, underage teen sex, references to miscarriage, implied physical abuse to a minor, some mild violence
Rating: nc-17 throughout
Word Count: this part approx 6,400 words (of 65,700)
summary An AU set in the Trek universe which explores a different beginning for Jim and Bones. Leonard McCoy suffers from chrono impairment, a genetic disease which causes him to time travel against his will. When teenage McCoy travels back in time and meets Jim Kirk aged six, in a meadow in Iowa, it is the beginning of a close friendship which will mark both their lives forever. The story tracks Kirk and McCoy’s relationship, McCoy’s search for a cure and Jim’s path to finding himself.
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Part 6
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Riverside: late August, 2255 - Leonard is 28, Jim is 22
Leonard
Leonard hates Riverside.
A touch of Fall is coloring the trees and it’s muggy, like home, he thinks - sarcasm and irritation his default mode these days. It’s an alien landscape, all flat, and he feels like a carbuncle protruding from its surface. Nevertheless, he’s sure he’s done the right thing coming here, despite the discomfort - he’s jumped to Iowa many times, propelled by lord knows what, so why question the compulsion to come here in the present, bide his time till he starts at the academy, rather than move to San Francisco. He’s damned chaff in the winds of time.
He hasn’t signed the papers yet, needs to think on it more, and being here will help. He wonders if he’d have ever considered this an option had he not known about his other self on the starship, when he jumped forward that first time. He’s curious, wants to watch himself ‘make’ these decisions, work out how an aviophobe can ever come to bring himself to work in space.
Riverside is somewhere he needs to pass through to get to some other place. He’s dumped himself here - soon he’ll move on. If he remembers that he doesn’t fit in, he’ll keep up his motivation to make a new start.
And of course, it’s where Jim was born - where Leonard first met him, according to what Jim told him. This is where it began and he’ll maybe figure out an ending here too. Meanwhile, Leonard volunteers long shifts at the local hospital, keeps himself busy in the labs they’ve allowed him workspace in, treading water, hoping he won’t drown of loneliness.
Leonard uses public transport; he can’t drive since he can’t predict when he’ll jump and he’s frightened of causing accidents so, once he’s made his way here on the train, he sinks a ton of credits into long cab rides in the country, the money from the sale of his grandma’s home still keeping him, though it won’t last.
He tells the driver he wants to find an old farm, belongs to the Kirks and, of course, George is a household name so the cab driver knows exactly where Leonard means, plenty of tourists wanting the same experience.
Unlike his older self, he’s never been here before, though he somehow recognizes the gates at the end of the track. Leonard tells the cab driver he’s going to be at least a couple of hours and he’ll comm him.
It’s late afternoon and clouds are few and far between. He knows something’s brewing, he can read the signs, and a shudder passes through him like a premonition, déjà vu, something.
Despite the faint, warm wind, Leonard zips up his hoodie, throws his messenger bag over his shoulder, waits for the cab to disappear out of sight and tries the gate. Mercifully it’s open, but then he’s not surprised either - away from the city, folk aren’t so careful about security. He walks up the long, long track for at least twenty minutes, can’t see the farmhouse, and then stops dead.
He closes his eyes, reaches for some kind of inspiration and then steps off the track into a meadow, heading straight into the long grass, enjoying the feel of it on his hands as he walks through, the swish, the grasshoppers leaping out of his way. Then he catches sight of a tree in the distance, and why this one should catch his eye rather than any other, he surely doesn’t know, so he stops again, pulls out a Starfleet towel he found in a thrift shop and treads down an area around him so he can lie down.
He sets the alarm on his comm for an hour later, pushes it into his jeans’ pocket and stretches out, staring up into the firmament until his eyes flutter shut and he sinks into oblivion.
+++
He wakes up from another dream about Jim and jumps to his feet in rage, shaking his hand to try and get rid of the pain. Fucking idiot for not putting on some insect repellant before he set out, but then when he brings his inflamed knuckle to his mouth to soothe the site of the sting, he stops like he’s been thrown into a body of ice cold water, such is the force of remembering.
It all comes back: he remembers with a cry, remembers Jim when he was a kid and the bee sting. Leonard collapses onto his ass, resting his head on his knees as the tears begin to fall, soaking through the denim, and he’s not sure if it’s relief or fear that he should come to this place, as if he’s following some hidden direction from someplace else; like there are powers controlling his every move, and despite the retching sobs he feels a calmness he’s never experienced before.
Jim, he thinks, it’s always been Jim. He has to, will get back to Jim and although he won’t search for him, knows that’s not how it will unfurl, he knows that if he just listens to his subconscious, his heart, he’ll end up in the right place and the right time and they’ll meet again.
+++
Riverside: September, 2255 - Leonard is 28, Jim is 22
Leonard
Leonard’s drunk and hiding out in the shuttle restroom. He shouldn’t mix the Drink Me with alcohol but fuck, he’s so scared and he doesn’t want to jump mid-flight, so he’ll willingly deal with the inevitable nightmares brought on by mixing the two. He hasn’t been on a shuttle since his Mom died in the crash a few years ago but he’s got to do this. He needs to prove to himself that bad things don’t always happen to him, and that if he can overcome this terror, he’ll make it to San Francisco and he can make his new start. He can reboot Leonard Horatio McCoy, failed father, failed husband, failed son, and failed friend.
He pushes past the flight attendant and sways to the only free seat on the shuttle, collapses into it and struggles with the safety belts. He can’t fucking believe that Starfleet don’t upgrade these pieces of rusty sh-mid rant, he stops dead.
“I think these things are pretty safe…”
Jesus - it’s Jim.
+++
Jim
Bones! It’s been almost two years since he walked out - of all the places to bump into him again.
Bones, naturally, looks as surprised as Jim feels, stinking of booze, looks like he hasn’t had a shave in a month. Jim fights back the joy, aware that many eyes are on them, and any doubt that he had that he’d not feel anything if he ever saw that grouchy face again is dispelled the minute Bones hands him a flask with a look in his eye that says ‘later - we’ll talk later’.
+++
They’ve been allocated rooms at different ends of the campus - Bones has one on his own, while Jim’s sharing with a couple of other cadets, but he doesn’t bother checking in to his; that can wait, everything else can wait. There’s so much to say on the walk to Bones’ room that neither of them knows where to begin. They’re a little awkward around each other for sure, but once they’re through the door Bones turns to Jim with a look of anguish on his face.
“I’m sorry,” he says simply, dropping his bag to the floor.
Jim feels, fuck, he doesn’t know how he feels, disbelief, worry that something else will go wrong, but mostly - how can this be? How can they have bumped into each other again after all this time? What if he hadn’t met Pike? What then?
“Bones, I…” Jim glances down at his feet.
“Me and Jocelyn, my ex, it’s over, Jim. It was over before that night really.”
“I should have given you a chance to explain,” Jim says, clears his throat.
“You weren’t meant to, Jim. Fuck, it’s a long story… and I’ve got a kid now, though I’m not supposed to see her. You any idea what you’re letting yourself in for, even damn well talking to me?”
Jim steps closer, brings a hand up to Bones’ rough jaw, blood roaring in his ears, and his heart breaks a little when he sees how Bones eyes don’t seem to want to meet his though he does lean a little into Jim’s touch; then he pulls away and Jim gulps, watches as Bones searches through the side pocket of his luggage.
His shoulders are slumped, eyes wary, and he brings a closed hand up to Jim’s eyes.
“I kept this,” he says, opening his hand.
They both look at the little toy Jim thought he’d lost - Bones.
Jim can’t speak for a moment, his throat tight, his tongue frozen and Bones waits for a reaction; and Jim gets it, realizes this is the man, the version of Leonard McCoy he knows, the shorter hair, the tired eyes, the one that came back to him as a kid all those times, the one who was always there. And for once, their situation seems reversed - it’s always been Bones who was the strong one, holding Jim’s hand, but it looks like it’s his turn to be the life-belt for a while.
“It’s us, Bones - it’s gonna be okay, trust me.” And before the idiot can protest, Jim’s pressed his mouth to those beautiful, plum colored, chapped lips, swallowing every moaned protest and grumble, twining his limbs around Bones so he can’t escape and they kiss and kiss until Jim loses all sense of time and it’s just them, Jim and Bones, like it was always meant to be.
+++
The Enterprise: date unknown, Spock: age unknown, Leonard: is (29)
“Don’t turn round!” Leonard snaps at the blue-clad back. He nips behind the screen dividing the bedroom from the living quarters and says, “You got anything’ll fit me, something will save me a red face?”
“I fail to see why you persist with concealing yourself, doctor. It is not, after all, the first time I have seen you unclothed.”
Leonard’s rummaging through Spock’s drawers. “Dammit, Spock, do you even own any other clothes than your uniform?” Not for the first time, Leonard wonders if Spock just has a wicked sense of humor and is fucking with him - would it kill him to stow some of the other Leonard’s clothing in his quarters for the ‘visitations’?
“My uniform is all I require,” Spock says thoughtfully. “I have a robe for meditation, and Starfleet issue clothing for recreational activities and ceremonial events.”
“What about shore-leave?” Leonard pulls on a set of black sweats and walks round the screen to face Spock who’s standing, hands clasped behind his back, his default impassive expression gracing his features. Yeah, Spock doesn’t fool him - that’s the best case of concealed enjoyment Leonard’s spotted so far. Spock can control his emotions, but not the twinkle in his eye-pointy eared…
“I do not take shore-leave, doctor.”
“Oh, yeah, right-that would be ‘illogical’.”
“Not at all. It is indeed logical to rest; it is merely my preference not to. Indeed, I find focusing on other areas of research in my free time as restorative as-”
“-A week on the beach; yeah, spare me Spock.”
“Do you wish to know what date it is, doctor?”
Dammit, how many times does he have to tell Spock? The bastard just likes to annoy him…“No I fucking don’t - we’ve been through this before. I don’t know how I got here - travelling forward is so rare, I like to hide out.”
“You have explained this on previous occasions. I am well aware that knowing the date causes you concern. It is an unfortunate affliction.”
“Damn right. If I know what the date is, I’ll know I’m still alive at a certain time, which means I don’t know I’m alive at a different time - fuck, my life’s gone through the rabbit hole and that’s the truth.”
Spock raises an eyebrow. “An interesting analogy, doctor. You are alluding to the popular childhood book, Alice in Wonderland, if I’m not mistaken, in which rules of logic and physical law are subverted for the amusement of the reader.”
“Are you tellin’ me you were amused, Spock?” Yes, Leonard can totally tease too.
“Negative. Amusement is an emotion and this would not be a motivation for engaging in reading matter. My mother, on the other hand, was a devotee of Lewis Carroll and read me both Alice novels when I was a child.”
“Well I never! Your mum, a Vulcan, a fan of Lewis Carroll.”
Spock blinks at him. “Doctor?” Spock looks at his feet, up on his coffee table, and the Vulcan’s eyes, he fancies, narrow almost imperceptibly; but it could be a trick of the light. He keeps his feet firmly planted.
The light flashes on the comm unit. Leonard’s heart flips and lands with a thump when he hears - Jim!
“Spock! You coming down here or not, I need-” But Spock’s leapt to the unit and turned it off.
“That was Jim,” Leonard says glaring at Spock. “He’s on this ship? Why didn’t you tell me, dammit?”
Spock smoothes his sleeves. “I do not wish to be tardy, doctor.”
“Well, I’ll be damned…Jim. What rank is he? Tell me.”
“That would involve knowledge about the future. We are clear this is not desirable.” Spock moves to the doors.
The annoying, logical-
“Go to your shift, Spock, I’ll amuse myself by going through your ‘fascinating’ possessions until the Powers that Be decide to send me home. Oh, and if I’m in bed when you come back - you take the couch. Jim’s on this ship and I’m an old-fashioned kinda guy.”
And Spock glides out through the doors leaving Leonard to ponder how the hell Jim Kirk ever gets to serve on the same ship as he does.
+++
San Francisco, 2256: Jim is 23, Leonard is 29
Leonard
Sarek’s lecture’s on first contact missions as a diplomat is over and he found it more interesting than he expected - not that he’ll let on to that fact.
“Damn, I can’t wait to get out there,” Jim says, his eyes shining.
“Nothing I haven’t heard before.” Leonard tries for nonchalant but his heart’s hammering dangerously at the thought of the blackness. He hurriedly knocks back a vial of Drink Me, Jim’s eyes following his movements.
“And he hasn’t replied to your emails?”
“Not as such.” They emerge on the steps and Leonard turns his head to look at Jim squinting in the sun. “Who was that woman?”
“The one in the strange dress, the one who looked like a chess piece or something?”
Leonard laughs, “Yeah, that’s the one, her.”
“That’s his wife, Amanda Grayson.”
“But… I thought Vulcans didn’t go in for marrying outside - how the fuck do you know this stuff, Jim?”
Jim gifts him one of his lazy grins. “Back of cereal packets, Bones.” Yeah, more like mad hacking skills, but Leonard lets it go. “I’m sure there was a ‘logical’ reason for their marriage,” Jim air-quotes. “And you know something else? They had a kid - a hybrid Vulcan/human called Spock - how about that?”
What? Sarek’s Spock’s father? Spock’s only half Vulcan?
“Well I’ll be damned…” He wonders how a human can even begin to adapt to life with a Vulcan, to give up emotion, intimacy.
“You should talk to her - if she can melt the old boy’s heart, maybe she can weave her magic on your behalf? Get in through the side door.”
Leonard pauses before they walk into the canteen. “Anyone ever tell you you’re a fucking genius?”
Jim winks at him. “First time today… fuck!”
It’s a reasonable reaction considering Leonard, who isn’t generally one for public displays of affection, has pulled Jim close by the front of his uniform and is kissing him hard. “Don’t mention this to anyone or I’ll be forced to kill you, but did I ever tell you I love your scrawny ass?”
“First time today…” Jim laughs into Leonard’s ear then ducks to avoid having his ear cuffed. “Hey! Mixed messages much!”
+++
So now having emailed Amanda, since Sarek’s not answered his repeat new mail - he’s been fobbed off by another automated reply - Leonard is outside Sarek and Amanda’s modest rooms at the Vulcan Embassy. He glowers at the Vulcan body-guard.
“I have an appointment to see Mrs...erm…Sarek,” he says stupidly. He’s discussed with Jim what might be a suitable form of address, but Jim had been as unsure as he was. Hey, at least he’s resisted saying ‘Mrs. Unpronounceable’ so he adds, “Amanda Grayson.”
The body-guard’s eyes darken - it could be a trick of the light. Leonard’s focuses his entire will on staying calm. Since he’s in his reds, he can’t drink, so he’s taken back to back vials of the Drink Me, much to Jim’s annoyance; because Jim had maintained there was some kind of anniversary coming up that night and they had to celebrate and okay, ’fine, you’ll have to blow me and I’ll make it up to you’; and fuck - this has to work, it really does.
The Vulcan speaks into his communicator, listens, snaps it shut and keys in the code for the door. Leonard turns his back politely until the door swishes. “Thank you kindly,” he says, his voice rich with sarcasm.
He walks into a small, dark hallway, and waits for his eyes to adjust. It’s stiflingly warm in the apartment, no doubt to reproduce Vulcan’s atmosphere. He hears movement to his right and turns to see Amanda Grayson, tiny, formally dressed in long, stiff robes that seem to swamp her. Her eyes are bright with welcome and her lips twitch - she’s obviously practiced at concealing her emotions but, as she extends both hands towards him, there is no doubting the pleasure in her eyes. He smiles readily and clasps her hands.
“Doctor McCoy!” she says. “It’s most pleasant to meet you!”
“Thank you for agreeing to see me.”
“How could I not? Your email moved me.” She indicates for him to follow and they sit on high backed chairs facing each other. The room is devoid of all personal touches.
“Well, I appreciate it. I received another automated reply before the lecture.”
“I think, doctor, or can I call you Leonard-?” He nods. “Sarek is difficult to reach due to his position. I am sure he would find your situation interesting. He has spoken to me of the Det’hnih’di on numerous occasions and I, of course, can arrange a meeting. I think, “she leans forward and whispers, “his private secretary is a little over zealous in his wish to shield my husband from unwanted approach. You did the right thing contacting me. I admit, I was particularly intrigued that you say you know something of my son…have you met?”
Leonard hesitates. “In a manner of speaking, yes - though not in this time.” Leonard’s aware of how strange this must sound so adds, “I apologize for being cryptic, ma’am, I’m unused to discussing my condition with more than a few trusted friends and I reveal little even then. It’s best people discover the paths of their own lives when they should, not through my temporal experiences which, it has to be said, make little sense to me.” Amanda doesn’t interrupt him so he continues, “It’s best you don’t mention me to him when we meet - I’m not at liberty to explain why, but-”
“I understand, Leonard,” she says.
“He speaks highly of you.” Well, that’s an exaggeration; what he’s noticed is an extra quirk of the eyebrows in future Spock, but Leonard never forgets his southern charm - when it suits the occasion. “He told me how you read Lewis Carroll to him as a child.”
“Ah,” she nods, half closes her eyes. “I always wanted Spock to keep in touch with his human side. He’s had no contact with his father for some years, since he refused a position at the Vulcan Science Academy, and it causes me enormous pain.”
Leonard’s impressed despite himself; the Science Academy is well known even on Earth. “You still have contact?”
“We do. Sarek has not forbidden it - not that,” she raises her eyebrows, “I would listen.”
And right there, Leonard sees where Spock must have got his rebellious streak, the one that had him flip the Vulcan bird at his daddy. He huffs out a low laugh and watches the attendant bring in lemon tea for them both.
“It’s one of my pleasures when I am home,” Amanda explains. “It simply doesn’t taste the same with Vulcan water, or perhaps, it’s the company.” Leonard cocks his head in a ‘could be’ gesture. Amanda waits for the attendant to leave before she continues. “In some ways, Leonard, you and I, we are both living between worlds. I, between Terran values and Vulcan ways, you, between the past and the present. We are both privileged, seeing things others have not seen, being a party to knowledge so few can have; but it is also a curse - the loneliness on occasion. Do you find that?”
Leonard gulps, thinks about this woman surrounded by stoic faces, her tenderness and empathic nature falling on stony soil.
“Yes, Ma’am - can be…”
“But I have a surprise for you, Leonard: I wouldn’t have it any other way. The many adjustments I’ve needed to undergo, they were, are worthwhile. Spock, on the other hand may have suffered and I am not at peace with that. Maybe I never will be.” She sets down her cup, folds her hands on her lap. Suffered? But Leonard thinks it would be rude to probe.
“Leonard, I am sure I can put your case to my husband. I can see you have a good heart, and from reading between the lines of your email, that you have suffered much.”
She leans slightly towards him. “I am very excited at the prospect of his helping you - I would love for you to have a happy ending!” She claps her hands, like a little girl who’s just unwrapped a birthday gift; then she looks sheepish and glances over her shoulder.
“I get a little carried away and undignified when I’m on Earth for a few days - Sarek teases me that the ‘bad influence of unfettered emotion pollutes me’.” She smiles fondly even as she attempts to impersonate her husband’s voice. “He’s so funny sometimes.”
Leonard’s not convinced but he can’t help smiling at her charming behavior.
“I can see you have a good heart, Leonard, and you trusted me with much when you wrote me how you must have suffered, or lost through your affliction.” Then adds, “Have you read Alice in Wonderland, Leonard?”
He raises an eyebrow, thinks human women, no matter where you put them, still have a tendency to come up with remarks out of leftfield. “Yes, it’s crazy stuff.” He laughs, “True to life you might say. My Gram used to read it to me when I was a kid.”
“‘I’m mad, you’re mad, we’re all mad!’” Amanda quotes with a small smile.
Leonard beams when he remembers the line. “Your husband is one lucky man, Ma’am,” he says, rising when she does.
“Thank you, Leonard; I can see you are the consummate southern gentleman. That young man in the lecture theatre, the one with the blond hair, he’s very lucky to have you.”
Leonard feels himself color, dammit. Nothing seems to get past this woman. He recalls Jim’s whispered ’Come on, Bones, no one will see’, and wishes he had slapped his hand away.
He takes Amanda’s hand and kisses it gently. “Now don’t be telling that to anyone who knows me or I’ll lose my scary reputation, Ma’am.”
Her laughter is, Leonard fancies, a little rusty, but it’s light and happy and grateful.
“Expect a communication from my husband shortly. He’s always trusted my instincts - although, “she dips her voice, ”if people knew that he’d lose his scary reputation!”
Leonard makes to leave and she walks with him to the hallway. “One more thing, Doctor McCoy,” she says, as the body-guard steps aside for him. “I have a token of my esteem,” and she presses a package into his hand.
+++
“Please tell me you’ll never wear it!” Jim chuckles, looking at the strange, hand-knitted, shapeless sweater on their bed, the gift wrap tossed aside.
“Shut up, thrift shop whore,” Leonard says with affection, “and I won’t, but not for why you think.” Tears prick at his eyes. “I’m not risking losing this sweater like snake-skin on the side of the road if I jump while I’m wearing it. No way. This was made by a very special lady and it’s following me to the ends of the universe.”
+++
The Enterprise: date unknown, Spock - age unknown, Leonard is (29)
“I trust you are well, doctor.”
Leonard’s wearing Spock’s pjs. While he wouldn’t say he knows Spock very well - he’s not exactly an open book and their situation makes personal details almost impossible - the thought of the Vulcan wearing nightwear just tickles him. Thing is, the thought of Spock sleeping naked is even more incongruous.
He realizes that the number of hours he’s spent with Spock to date (and isn’t that a dumb way to put it?) amount maybe, to one long day. He hasn’t jumped backwards in months, blessedly, and going forward seems to have become the norm. Despite his first leap being brought on by the usual - acute stress - his life with Jim at the academy, with Jim holed up in his room permanently, is pretty much the happiest he’s ever been.
True he’s knocking back the Drink Me like it’s going out of fashion and Jim’s bitched and moaned about the lack of sex, but the elixir doesn’t seem to affect the jumps forward which is leading Leonard to believe that it’s more than his errant biology that has a hand in this madness that is his life. He’s beginning to think these jumps to the future are somehow going to help him find a cure for his affliction. If this is indeed part of some greater plan by the Powers that Be, he wonders whether it has any bearing on why he jumped forward to Joss when he was a kid - it was as a direct result of that confusion, they conceived Joanna.
Most of the time, Leonard and Spock don’t talk that much - in fact, it’s got less and less chatty over the last few times they’ve spent together; mostly he just waits to go back.
All his visits have been over the past few months, in the sense of it always being 28 or 29 year old Leonard who comes here, to this ship. Leonard has done his best to avoid discovering the ship’s name, and he’s succeeded so far. He doesn’t have any idea if, from Spock’s point of view, Leonard visits him over months, years, decades. - and he kind of doesn’t want to know.
Spock changes a little - while he’s always in science blue, his stiflingly hot room alters marginally. Leonard spots new artifacts (or are they old ones rediscovered, unpacked?). He notes when some are missing - is that because they have been broken in an enemy attack, or just that they’ve not been acquired yet?
Sometimes Spock looks a little older but, by how many years, Leonard can’t tell. Vulcans live considerably longer than humans - the lack of frowning, smiling, means that they don’t show signs of aging in the same way, and add to that, a tough skin designed to withstand a desert climate.
Another change Leonard’s noticed despite himself, is the design of the PADDs; subtle differences in their functionality, their speed - Leonard’s considered how long these things take to change, thinks about other items of technology, how communicators have changed, vid screens, over his life-time. Does it take two years, five before a previous design looks out-dated? In the end, as with all of these lines of enquiry, he doesn’t want to know, not in these circumstances. It always comes back to Jim, not wanting to know whether he’s dead or alive ‘at this time’. So he stops looking at the PADDS, not just to avoid newsfeeds, but the date on the bottom of the screen in case he should bring it up by mistake. Spock’s modified one for him, so there are a few novels uploaded, but Leonard can’t concentrate, allows his mind to wander, sometimes thinking about his older self, somewhere on the ship, wondering what he’s up to at a given moment. He’s resisted contacting him up until this point, not wishing to know how old he is, anything too much about his future. And, he doesn’t know if he’s even still alive or indeed still on the ship.
So he lies on Spock’s bony couch and listens to tinkly, Vulcan music and waits to go home.
Spock’s at his desk working.
“I heard from your daddy,” Leonard says finally. He knows the word ‘daddy’ will irritate Spock and somehow he’s starting to enjoy getting up his nose now he knows Spock’s half human. He watches Spock closely for any reaction. Leonard’s noticed that over the individual visits, sometimes Spock ‘shows’ more emotion than others. What Leonard can’t gauge is if this is because Spock’s older and more in ‘control’ of his human side, or older and more ‘at peace’ with his human side, and therefore more willing in certain circumstance, to marginally reveal his emotions. Then again, Spock could be younger, more volatile because he has less control. Hell if he knows - he’s lost count of the number of times he’s used the expression ‘mind-fuck’ in his life.
So, when he mentions Sarek, Leonard decides Spock looks, what, apprehensive? He’s only got an eyebrow raise to enjoy, but hell - it’s something. Spock doesn’t probe, he knows the ‘rules’ after all. Leonard goes on, “He’s agreed to meet me.”
“Fascinating.”
“That’s it? You find that fascinating?”
“Affirmative.”
“You gonna tell me why, dammit?” Shit, he was the one supposed to do the irritating here.
“How did you gain access, doctor?”
“What, you mean you don’t know?” Instinctively, Leonard doesn’t want to mention Amanda’s involvement. Who knows, he may tell Spock about it sometime in the future, in ‘real’ time, but for now, his habit of keeping information to himself will have to stick. He’s only told Jim and even then, only a brief outline of his hour with Amanda. He wants to keep that precious encounter someplace in his heart where no one else can go.
“No, I do not. However, doctor, I do believe that your meeting with Sarek will indeed help you.”
“You do, do you? Well I know you’re not sayin’ anything more, but Spock, I have to tell you, if this doesn’t work, I’m screwed. From what you’ve hinted at, it is essential I complete my training at the academy, that I graduate-”
“My actual word was ‘prescient’, but I find myself agreeing with you doctor. It is of the utmost import you graduate from the academy and, since a condition of that is that you control your time-travelling completely for the safety of those with whom you’ll serve, a favorable outcome to your meeting is preferable.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you agreeing with me is as about as rare as a teat on a boar?”
“While I do not understand the relevance of your simile, I have heard you use it before-” Spock stops himself mid-flow. “My apologies, doctor, allow me to rephrase - it is indeed uncommon that we agree.”
Leonard laughs. “I’ll bet Jim fucking loves it!”
“It would be accurate and not too revealing to state that, on occasion, Jim is rather fond of our ‘disagreements’, while on other occasions he is not.”
“You’re a cagey SOB, Spock - you any good at chess?”
Spock raises an eyebrow. Leonard tries to quell the feeling of joy when he thinks about how the three of them are serving on the ship together. This means that he must have somehow managed to put a cap on the chrono impairment.
“This works, doesn’t it, Spock? It has to or we wouldn’t all be together now on this ship surely?”
“Not at all. It does not follow that simply because you have been unable to affect what has happened in your past, that you will not be able to affect what happens in your future. This situation, my present is, from your point in time, merely a possibility.”
“That doesn’t make sense. Why then are you so keen that I do find a cure? I’m just a country doctor, Spock - how can any course of action I follow, in a given moment, be so damned important that you’re worried it won’t happen?”
“As you know, I am limited to what I can reveal, doctor.”
Damn this is frustrating. Spock knows ‘something’. Perhaps it’s a ‘something’ he wants to ensure happens, but it could equally be something he wants to prevent - whatever, it’s an event or decision closely related to Leonard. An event or choice in Spock’s past and in Leonard’s future. Leonard aches to know, to probe, yet he wonders if it’s the knowing that causes the problem in the first place. Things have to happen the way they happen - being fore-warned may result in future altering paradoxes. He rubs the space between his eyebrows and suddenly feels a bond with Spock. In some ways, the poor bastard’s in the same boat as he is, embroiled in conundrums, knowing too much but still working in the dark.
“I gotta find a way of licking this thing,” Leonard says, finally.
“I am aware.”
“I’m convinced that Sarek can help me in ways I haven’t even considered, that it wasn’t mere coincidence that I happened up on his blog entry a couple of years back, that his information about the Det’hnih’di is just the fly at the end of the rod and he can help me get a cure or control in other ways too. And I keep jumping here, Spock. I haven’t been back to the past for months. The connection between me trying to contact Sarek, with this, it feels significant. And I get the feeling that it works out. But it also is possible that it won’t…”
Spock looks like he’s calculating odds, but he doesn’t share his calculations with Leonard. He listens without interrupting while Leonard continues.
“I’ve never been able to change the past, Spock, what makes you think I can have an effect on the future? What if I don’t get this right, will everything, you, this ship, my future self, just cease to exist?”
“I do not know,” Spock says quietly. “We may not indeed be on this same ship in the same way. Some events may occur as they have or they may not. We cannot accurately predict. It is nonetheless essential that you cure your affliction, even before you graduate and be permitted to…” he hesitates. “Since you accept my word that something of import will take place around the time of your graduation, I have no need to convince you of how pressing a matter this is.”
Oh, so now it’s around the time of his graduation, not after. Is this a slip up or is Spock playing a great hand here, encouraging Leonard to keep his sense of urgency.
“No, you don’t need to convince me - I’ve gotta find a cure or an absolute control for my own sake too. Do you have any idea the pressure this is putting on my heart? I don’t know how many more years I can take - if I don’t get killed during one of my jumps first, that is. And there’s my daughter too; she has the errant gene and I can’t have her go through the shit I’ve had to put up with. But I’m not going to get anywhere without Sarek’s help. I need to find out at the very least what he knows about the Det’hnih’di, share any knowledge he’s got about how they control their time-travelling, shit - I don’t even know if he knows much at all, but he may be able to give me some leads, how I can trace one of them, or speak to someone else who may know. How am I going to get him onside, Spock?”
“You are aware of the Det’hnih’di?” Spock’s flicker down, then up. “Fascinating.”
“What of it? Can you tell me something more about them?”
“I cannot. You require me to provide strategies for persuasion?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Sarek will share the information he has willingly. He will be inherently fascinated by your situation. But there is more, doctor - he will be able to assist you in your cure in ways that will become apparent. To encourage him to become thus involved, you must make it clear that it is logical for him to assist you. I have some information which will help and for it to be delivered to him will involve a mind meld with you.”
“Now wait! Why can’t you jus’ tell me? Why do the mo-jo on me?”
“In this way, information can be passed on and you will not be exposed, inadvertently, to knowledge that is ‘unnecessary’ and I can assure you that there is no ‘magic’ involved, doctor.”
“I apologize, Spock - it’s just a figure of speech. I’m just nervous about you running around my mind.”
“That is understandable but also unnecessary. In a matter of seconds I can implant a data package in your mind and I will withdraw.”
“So you won’t find out about that time at the academy with Jim, me and the chocolate mousse?”
“I will be most relieved if I do not, doctor.”
“In that case, go ahead. Hell, you’ve seen my meat and potatoes enough times what the hell’s wrong with a little brain nudity among friends too, huh?”
Despite his joking, Leonard’s trembling when Spock sits beside him on the edge of the couch and extends a steady hand towards his face.
on to part 7
warnings angst, romance, underage teen sex, references to miscarriage, implied physical abuse to a minor, some mild violence
Rating: nc-17 throughout
Word Count: this part approx 6,400 words (of 65,700)
summary An AU set in the Trek universe which explores a different beginning for Jim and Bones. Leonard McCoy suffers from chrono impairment, a genetic disease which causes him to time travel against his will. When teenage McCoy travels back in time and meets Jim Kirk aged six, in a meadow in Iowa, it is the beginning of a close friendship which will mark both their lives forever. The story tracks Kirk and McCoy’s relationship, McCoy’s search for a cure and Jim’s path to finding himself.
link to FIC masterpost HERE
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link to fanmix by leighblack
Part 6
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Riverside: late August, 2255 - Leonard is 28, Jim is 22
Leonard
Leonard hates Riverside.
A touch of Fall is coloring the trees and it’s muggy, like home, he thinks - sarcasm and irritation his default mode these days. It’s an alien landscape, all flat, and he feels like a carbuncle protruding from its surface. Nevertheless, he’s sure he’s done the right thing coming here, despite the discomfort - he’s jumped to Iowa many times, propelled by lord knows what, so why question the compulsion to come here in the present, bide his time till he starts at the academy, rather than move to San Francisco. He’s damned chaff in the winds of time.
He hasn’t signed the papers yet, needs to think on it more, and being here will help. He wonders if he’d have ever considered this an option had he not known about his other self on the starship, when he jumped forward that first time. He’s curious, wants to watch himself ‘make’ these decisions, work out how an aviophobe can ever come to bring himself to work in space.
Riverside is somewhere he needs to pass through to get to some other place. He’s dumped himself here - soon he’ll move on. If he remembers that he doesn’t fit in, he’ll keep up his motivation to make a new start.
And of course, it’s where Jim was born - where Leonard first met him, according to what Jim told him. This is where it began and he’ll maybe figure out an ending here too. Meanwhile, Leonard volunteers long shifts at the local hospital, keeps himself busy in the labs they’ve allowed him workspace in, treading water, hoping he won’t drown of loneliness.
Leonard uses public transport; he can’t drive since he can’t predict when he’ll jump and he’s frightened of causing accidents so, once he’s made his way here on the train, he sinks a ton of credits into long cab rides in the country, the money from the sale of his grandma’s home still keeping him, though it won’t last.
He tells the driver he wants to find an old farm, belongs to the Kirks and, of course, George is a household name so the cab driver knows exactly where Leonard means, plenty of tourists wanting the same experience.
Unlike his older self, he’s never been here before, though he somehow recognizes the gates at the end of the track. Leonard tells the cab driver he’s going to be at least a couple of hours and he’ll comm him.
It’s late afternoon and clouds are few and far between. He knows something’s brewing, he can read the signs, and a shudder passes through him like a premonition, déjà vu, something.
Despite the faint, warm wind, Leonard zips up his hoodie, throws his messenger bag over his shoulder, waits for the cab to disappear out of sight and tries the gate. Mercifully it’s open, but then he’s not surprised either - away from the city, folk aren’t so careful about security. He walks up the long, long track for at least twenty minutes, can’t see the farmhouse, and then stops dead.
He closes his eyes, reaches for some kind of inspiration and then steps off the track into a meadow, heading straight into the long grass, enjoying the feel of it on his hands as he walks through, the swish, the grasshoppers leaping out of his way. Then he catches sight of a tree in the distance, and why this one should catch his eye rather than any other, he surely doesn’t know, so he stops again, pulls out a Starfleet towel he found in a thrift shop and treads down an area around him so he can lie down.
He sets the alarm on his comm for an hour later, pushes it into his jeans’ pocket and stretches out, staring up into the firmament until his eyes flutter shut and he sinks into oblivion.
+++
He wakes up from another dream about Jim and jumps to his feet in rage, shaking his hand to try and get rid of the pain. Fucking idiot for not putting on some insect repellant before he set out, but then when he brings his inflamed knuckle to his mouth to soothe the site of the sting, he stops like he’s been thrown into a body of ice cold water, such is the force of remembering.
It all comes back: he remembers with a cry, remembers Jim when he was a kid and the bee sting. Leonard collapses onto his ass, resting his head on his knees as the tears begin to fall, soaking through the denim, and he’s not sure if it’s relief or fear that he should come to this place, as if he’s following some hidden direction from someplace else; like there are powers controlling his every move, and despite the retching sobs he feels a calmness he’s never experienced before.
Jim, he thinks, it’s always been Jim. He has to, will get back to Jim and although he won’t search for him, knows that’s not how it will unfurl, he knows that if he just listens to his subconscious, his heart, he’ll end up in the right place and the right time and they’ll meet again.
+++
Riverside: September, 2255 - Leonard is 28, Jim is 22
Leonard
Leonard’s drunk and hiding out in the shuttle restroom. He shouldn’t mix the Drink Me with alcohol but fuck, he’s so scared and he doesn’t want to jump mid-flight, so he’ll willingly deal with the inevitable nightmares brought on by mixing the two. He hasn’t been on a shuttle since his Mom died in the crash a few years ago but he’s got to do this. He needs to prove to himself that bad things don’t always happen to him, and that if he can overcome this terror, he’ll make it to San Francisco and he can make his new start. He can reboot Leonard Horatio McCoy, failed father, failed husband, failed son, and failed friend.
He pushes past the flight attendant and sways to the only free seat on the shuttle, collapses into it and struggles with the safety belts. He can’t fucking believe that Starfleet don’t upgrade these pieces of rusty sh-mid rant, he stops dead.
“I think these things are pretty safe…”
Jesus - it’s Jim.
+++
Jim
Bones! It’s been almost two years since he walked out - of all the places to bump into him again.
Bones, naturally, looks as surprised as Jim feels, stinking of booze, looks like he hasn’t had a shave in a month. Jim fights back the joy, aware that many eyes are on them, and any doubt that he had that he’d not feel anything if he ever saw that grouchy face again is dispelled the minute Bones hands him a flask with a look in his eye that says ‘later - we’ll talk later’.
+++
They’ve been allocated rooms at different ends of the campus - Bones has one on his own, while Jim’s sharing with a couple of other cadets, but he doesn’t bother checking in to his; that can wait, everything else can wait. There’s so much to say on the walk to Bones’ room that neither of them knows where to begin. They’re a little awkward around each other for sure, but once they’re through the door Bones turns to Jim with a look of anguish on his face.
“I’m sorry,” he says simply, dropping his bag to the floor.
Jim feels, fuck, he doesn’t know how he feels, disbelief, worry that something else will go wrong, but mostly - how can this be? How can they have bumped into each other again after all this time? What if he hadn’t met Pike? What then?
“Bones, I…” Jim glances down at his feet.
“Me and Jocelyn, my ex, it’s over, Jim. It was over before that night really.”
“I should have given you a chance to explain,” Jim says, clears his throat.
“You weren’t meant to, Jim. Fuck, it’s a long story… and I’ve got a kid now, though I’m not supposed to see her. You any idea what you’re letting yourself in for, even damn well talking to me?”
Jim steps closer, brings a hand up to Bones’ rough jaw, blood roaring in his ears, and his heart breaks a little when he sees how Bones eyes don’t seem to want to meet his though he does lean a little into Jim’s touch; then he pulls away and Jim gulps, watches as Bones searches through the side pocket of his luggage.
His shoulders are slumped, eyes wary, and he brings a closed hand up to Jim’s eyes.
“I kept this,” he says, opening his hand.
They both look at the little toy Jim thought he’d lost - Bones.
Jim can’t speak for a moment, his throat tight, his tongue frozen and Bones waits for a reaction; and Jim gets it, realizes this is the man, the version of Leonard McCoy he knows, the shorter hair, the tired eyes, the one that came back to him as a kid all those times, the one who was always there. And for once, their situation seems reversed - it’s always been Bones who was the strong one, holding Jim’s hand, but it looks like it’s his turn to be the life-belt for a while.
“It’s us, Bones - it’s gonna be okay, trust me.” And before the idiot can protest, Jim’s pressed his mouth to those beautiful, plum colored, chapped lips, swallowing every moaned protest and grumble, twining his limbs around Bones so he can’t escape and they kiss and kiss until Jim loses all sense of time and it’s just them, Jim and Bones, like it was always meant to be.
+++
The Enterprise: date unknown, Spock: age unknown, Leonard: is (29)
“Don’t turn round!” Leonard snaps at the blue-clad back. He nips behind the screen dividing the bedroom from the living quarters and says, “You got anything’ll fit me, something will save me a red face?”
“I fail to see why you persist with concealing yourself, doctor. It is not, after all, the first time I have seen you unclothed.”
Leonard’s rummaging through Spock’s drawers. “Dammit, Spock, do you even own any other clothes than your uniform?” Not for the first time, Leonard wonders if Spock just has a wicked sense of humor and is fucking with him - would it kill him to stow some of the other Leonard’s clothing in his quarters for the ‘visitations’?
“My uniform is all I require,” Spock says thoughtfully. “I have a robe for meditation, and Starfleet issue clothing for recreational activities and ceremonial events.”
“What about shore-leave?” Leonard pulls on a set of black sweats and walks round the screen to face Spock who’s standing, hands clasped behind his back, his default impassive expression gracing his features. Yeah, Spock doesn’t fool him - that’s the best case of concealed enjoyment Leonard’s spotted so far. Spock can control his emotions, but not the twinkle in his eye-pointy eared…
“I do not take shore-leave, doctor.”
“Oh, yeah, right-that would be ‘illogical’.”
“Not at all. It is indeed logical to rest; it is merely my preference not to. Indeed, I find focusing on other areas of research in my free time as restorative as-”
“-A week on the beach; yeah, spare me Spock.”
“Do you wish to know what date it is, doctor?”
Dammit, how many times does he have to tell Spock? The bastard just likes to annoy him…“No I fucking don’t - we’ve been through this before. I don’t know how I got here - travelling forward is so rare, I like to hide out.”
“You have explained this on previous occasions. I am well aware that knowing the date causes you concern. It is an unfortunate affliction.”
“Damn right. If I know what the date is, I’ll know I’m still alive at a certain time, which means I don’t know I’m alive at a different time - fuck, my life’s gone through the rabbit hole and that’s the truth.”
Spock raises an eyebrow. “An interesting analogy, doctor. You are alluding to the popular childhood book, Alice in Wonderland, if I’m not mistaken, in which rules of logic and physical law are subverted for the amusement of the reader.”
“Are you tellin’ me you were amused, Spock?” Yes, Leonard can totally tease too.
“Negative. Amusement is an emotion and this would not be a motivation for engaging in reading matter. My mother, on the other hand, was a devotee of Lewis Carroll and read me both Alice novels when I was a child.”
“Well I never! Your mum, a Vulcan, a fan of Lewis Carroll.”
Spock blinks at him. “Doctor?” Spock looks at his feet, up on his coffee table, and the Vulcan’s eyes, he fancies, narrow almost imperceptibly; but it could be a trick of the light. He keeps his feet firmly planted.
The light flashes on the comm unit. Leonard’s heart flips and lands with a thump when he hears - Jim!
“Spock! You coming down here or not, I need-” But Spock’s leapt to the unit and turned it off.
“That was Jim,” Leonard says glaring at Spock. “He’s on this ship? Why didn’t you tell me, dammit?”
Spock smoothes his sleeves. “I do not wish to be tardy, doctor.”
“Well, I’ll be damned…Jim. What rank is he? Tell me.”
“That would involve knowledge about the future. We are clear this is not desirable.” Spock moves to the doors.
The annoying, logical-
“Go to your shift, Spock, I’ll amuse myself by going through your ‘fascinating’ possessions until the Powers that Be decide to send me home. Oh, and if I’m in bed when you come back - you take the couch. Jim’s on this ship and I’m an old-fashioned kinda guy.”
And Spock glides out through the doors leaving Leonard to ponder how the hell Jim Kirk ever gets to serve on the same ship as he does.
+++
San Francisco, 2256: Jim is 23, Leonard is 29
Leonard
Sarek’s lecture’s on first contact missions as a diplomat is over and he found it more interesting than he expected - not that he’ll let on to that fact.
“Damn, I can’t wait to get out there,” Jim says, his eyes shining.
“Nothing I haven’t heard before.” Leonard tries for nonchalant but his heart’s hammering dangerously at the thought of the blackness. He hurriedly knocks back a vial of Drink Me, Jim’s eyes following his movements.
“And he hasn’t replied to your emails?”
“Not as such.” They emerge on the steps and Leonard turns his head to look at Jim squinting in the sun. “Who was that woman?”
“The one in the strange dress, the one who looked like a chess piece or something?”
Leonard laughs, “Yeah, that’s the one, her.”
“That’s his wife, Amanda Grayson.”
“But… I thought Vulcans didn’t go in for marrying outside - how the fuck do you know this stuff, Jim?”
Jim gifts him one of his lazy grins. “Back of cereal packets, Bones.” Yeah, more like mad hacking skills, but Leonard lets it go. “I’m sure there was a ‘logical’ reason for their marriage,” Jim air-quotes. “And you know something else? They had a kid - a hybrid Vulcan/human called Spock - how about that?”
What? Sarek’s Spock’s father? Spock’s only half Vulcan?
“Well I’ll be damned…” He wonders how a human can even begin to adapt to life with a Vulcan, to give up emotion, intimacy.
“You should talk to her - if she can melt the old boy’s heart, maybe she can weave her magic on your behalf? Get in through the side door.”
Leonard pauses before they walk into the canteen. “Anyone ever tell you you’re a fucking genius?”
Jim winks at him. “First time today… fuck!”
It’s a reasonable reaction considering Leonard, who isn’t generally one for public displays of affection, has pulled Jim close by the front of his uniform and is kissing him hard. “Don’t mention this to anyone or I’ll be forced to kill you, but did I ever tell you I love your scrawny ass?”
“First time today…” Jim laughs into Leonard’s ear then ducks to avoid having his ear cuffed. “Hey! Mixed messages much!”
+++
So now having emailed Amanda, since Sarek’s not answered his repeat new mail - he’s been fobbed off by another automated reply - Leonard is outside Sarek and Amanda’s modest rooms at the Vulcan Embassy. He glowers at the Vulcan body-guard.
“I have an appointment to see Mrs...erm…Sarek,” he says stupidly. He’s discussed with Jim what might be a suitable form of address, but Jim had been as unsure as he was. Hey, at least he’s resisted saying ‘Mrs. Unpronounceable’ so he adds, “Amanda Grayson.”
The body-guard’s eyes darken - it could be a trick of the light. Leonard’s focuses his entire will on staying calm. Since he’s in his reds, he can’t drink, so he’s taken back to back vials of the Drink Me, much to Jim’s annoyance; because Jim had maintained there was some kind of anniversary coming up that night and they had to celebrate and okay, ’fine, you’ll have to blow me and I’ll make it up to you’; and fuck - this has to work, it really does.
The Vulcan speaks into his communicator, listens, snaps it shut and keys in the code for the door. Leonard turns his back politely until the door swishes. “Thank you kindly,” he says, his voice rich with sarcasm.
He walks into a small, dark hallway, and waits for his eyes to adjust. It’s stiflingly warm in the apartment, no doubt to reproduce Vulcan’s atmosphere. He hears movement to his right and turns to see Amanda Grayson, tiny, formally dressed in long, stiff robes that seem to swamp her. Her eyes are bright with welcome and her lips twitch - she’s obviously practiced at concealing her emotions but, as she extends both hands towards him, there is no doubting the pleasure in her eyes. He smiles readily and clasps her hands.
“Doctor McCoy!” she says. “It’s most pleasant to meet you!”
“Thank you for agreeing to see me.”
“How could I not? Your email moved me.” She indicates for him to follow and they sit on high backed chairs facing each other. The room is devoid of all personal touches.
“Well, I appreciate it. I received another automated reply before the lecture.”
“I think, doctor, or can I call you Leonard-?” He nods. “Sarek is difficult to reach due to his position. I am sure he would find your situation interesting. He has spoken to me of the Det’hnih’di on numerous occasions and I, of course, can arrange a meeting. I think, “she leans forward and whispers, “his private secretary is a little over zealous in his wish to shield my husband from unwanted approach. You did the right thing contacting me. I admit, I was particularly intrigued that you say you know something of my son…have you met?”
Leonard hesitates. “In a manner of speaking, yes - though not in this time.” Leonard’s aware of how strange this must sound so adds, “I apologize for being cryptic, ma’am, I’m unused to discussing my condition with more than a few trusted friends and I reveal little even then. It’s best people discover the paths of their own lives when they should, not through my temporal experiences which, it has to be said, make little sense to me.” Amanda doesn’t interrupt him so he continues, “It’s best you don’t mention me to him when we meet - I’m not at liberty to explain why, but-”
“I understand, Leonard,” she says.
“He speaks highly of you.” Well, that’s an exaggeration; what he’s noticed is an extra quirk of the eyebrows in future Spock, but Leonard never forgets his southern charm - when it suits the occasion. “He told me how you read Lewis Carroll to him as a child.”
“Ah,” she nods, half closes her eyes. “I always wanted Spock to keep in touch with his human side. He’s had no contact with his father for some years, since he refused a position at the Vulcan Science Academy, and it causes me enormous pain.”
Leonard’s impressed despite himself; the Science Academy is well known even on Earth. “You still have contact?”
“We do. Sarek has not forbidden it - not that,” she raises her eyebrows, “I would listen.”
And right there, Leonard sees where Spock must have got his rebellious streak, the one that had him flip the Vulcan bird at his daddy. He huffs out a low laugh and watches the attendant bring in lemon tea for them both.
“It’s one of my pleasures when I am home,” Amanda explains. “It simply doesn’t taste the same with Vulcan water, or perhaps, it’s the company.” Leonard cocks his head in a ‘could be’ gesture. Amanda waits for the attendant to leave before she continues. “In some ways, Leonard, you and I, we are both living between worlds. I, between Terran values and Vulcan ways, you, between the past and the present. We are both privileged, seeing things others have not seen, being a party to knowledge so few can have; but it is also a curse - the loneliness on occasion. Do you find that?”
Leonard gulps, thinks about this woman surrounded by stoic faces, her tenderness and empathic nature falling on stony soil.
“Yes, Ma’am - can be…”
“But I have a surprise for you, Leonard: I wouldn’t have it any other way. The many adjustments I’ve needed to undergo, they were, are worthwhile. Spock, on the other hand may have suffered and I am not at peace with that. Maybe I never will be.” She sets down her cup, folds her hands on her lap. Suffered? But Leonard thinks it would be rude to probe.
“Leonard, I am sure I can put your case to my husband. I can see you have a good heart, and from reading between the lines of your email, that you have suffered much.”
She leans slightly towards him. “I am very excited at the prospect of his helping you - I would love for you to have a happy ending!” She claps her hands, like a little girl who’s just unwrapped a birthday gift; then she looks sheepish and glances over her shoulder.
“I get a little carried away and undignified when I’m on Earth for a few days - Sarek teases me that the ‘bad influence of unfettered emotion pollutes me’.” She smiles fondly even as she attempts to impersonate her husband’s voice. “He’s so funny sometimes.”
Leonard’s not convinced but he can’t help smiling at her charming behavior.
“I can see you have a good heart, Leonard, and you trusted me with much when you wrote me how you must have suffered, or lost through your affliction.” Then adds, “Have you read Alice in Wonderland, Leonard?”
He raises an eyebrow, thinks human women, no matter where you put them, still have a tendency to come up with remarks out of leftfield. “Yes, it’s crazy stuff.” He laughs, “True to life you might say. My Gram used to read it to me when I was a kid.”
“‘I’m mad, you’re mad, we’re all mad!’” Amanda quotes with a small smile.
Leonard beams when he remembers the line. “Your husband is one lucky man, Ma’am,” he says, rising when she does.
“Thank you, Leonard; I can see you are the consummate southern gentleman. That young man in the lecture theatre, the one with the blond hair, he’s very lucky to have you.”
Leonard feels himself color, dammit. Nothing seems to get past this woman. He recalls Jim’s whispered ’Come on, Bones, no one will see’, and wishes he had slapped his hand away.
He takes Amanda’s hand and kisses it gently. “Now don’t be telling that to anyone who knows me or I’ll lose my scary reputation, Ma’am.”
Her laughter is, Leonard fancies, a little rusty, but it’s light and happy and grateful.
“Expect a communication from my husband shortly. He’s always trusted my instincts - although, “she dips her voice, ”if people knew that he’d lose his scary reputation!”
Leonard makes to leave and she walks with him to the hallway. “One more thing, Doctor McCoy,” she says, as the body-guard steps aside for him. “I have a token of my esteem,” and she presses a package into his hand.
+++
“Please tell me you’ll never wear it!” Jim chuckles, looking at the strange, hand-knitted, shapeless sweater on their bed, the gift wrap tossed aside.
“Shut up, thrift shop whore,” Leonard says with affection, “and I won’t, but not for why you think.” Tears prick at his eyes. “I’m not risking losing this sweater like snake-skin on the side of the road if I jump while I’m wearing it. No way. This was made by a very special lady and it’s following me to the ends of the universe.”
+++
The Enterprise: date unknown, Spock - age unknown, Leonard is (29)
“I trust you are well, doctor.”
Leonard’s wearing Spock’s pjs. While he wouldn’t say he knows Spock very well - he’s not exactly an open book and their situation makes personal details almost impossible - the thought of the Vulcan wearing nightwear just tickles him. Thing is, the thought of Spock sleeping naked is even more incongruous.
He realizes that the number of hours he’s spent with Spock to date (and isn’t that a dumb way to put it?) amount maybe, to one long day. He hasn’t jumped backwards in months, blessedly, and going forward seems to have become the norm. Despite his first leap being brought on by the usual - acute stress - his life with Jim at the academy, with Jim holed up in his room permanently, is pretty much the happiest he’s ever been.
True he’s knocking back the Drink Me like it’s going out of fashion and Jim’s bitched and moaned about the lack of sex, but the elixir doesn’t seem to affect the jumps forward which is leading Leonard to believe that it’s more than his errant biology that has a hand in this madness that is his life. He’s beginning to think these jumps to the future are somehow going to help him find a cure for his affliction. If this is indeed part of some greater plan by the Powers that Be, he wonders whether it has any bearing on why he jumped forward to Joss when he was a kid - it was as a direct result of that confusion, they conceived Joanna.
Most of the time, Leonard and Spock don’t talk that much - in fact, it’s got less and less chatty over the last few times they’ve spent together; mostly he just waits to go back.
All his visits have been over the past few months, in the sense of it always being 28 or 29 year old Leonard who comes here, to this ship. Leonard has done his best to avoid discovering the ship’s name, and he’s succeeded so far. He doesn’t have any idea if, from Spock’s point of view, Leonard visits him over months, years, decades. - and he kind of doesn’t want to know.
Spock changes a little - while he’s always in science blue, his stiflingly hot room alters marginally. Leonard spots new artifacts (or are they old ones rediscovered, unpacked?). He notes when some are missing - is that because they have been broken in an enemy attack, or just that they’ve not been acquired yet?
Sometimes Spock looks a little older but, by how many years, Leonard can’t tell. Vulcans live considerably longer than humans - the lack of frowning, smiling, means that they don’t show signs of aging in the same way, and add to that, a tough skin designed to withstand a desert climate.
Another change Leonard’s noticed despite himself, is the design of the PADDs; subtle differences in their functionality, their speed - Leonard’s considered how long these things take to change, thinks about other items of technology, how communicators have changed, vid screens, over his life-time. Does it take two years, five before a previous design looks out-dated? In the end, as with all of these lines of enquiry, he doesn’t want to know, not in these circumstances. It always comes back to Jim, not wanting to know whether he’s dead or alive ‘at this time’. So he stops looking at the PADDS, not just to avoid newsfeeds, but the date on the bottom of the screen in case he should bring it up by mistake. Spock’s modified one for him, so there are a few novels uploaded, but Leonard can’t concentrate, allows his mind to wander, sometimes thinking about his older self, somewhere on the ship, wondering what he’s up to at a given moment. He’s resisted contacting him up until this point, not wishing to know how old he is, anything too much about his future. And, he doesn’t know if he’s even still alive or indeed still on the ship.
So he lies on Spock’s bony couch and listens to tinkly, Vulcan music and waits to go home.
Spock’s at his desk working.
“I heard from your daddy,” Leonard says finally. He knows the word ‘daddy’ will irritate Spock and somehow he’s starting to enjoy getting up his nose now he knows Spock’s half human. He watches Spock closely for any reaction. Leonard’s noticed that over the individual visits, sometimes Spock ‘shows’ more emotion than others. What Leonard can’t gauge is if this is because Spock’s older and more in ‘control’ of his human side, or older and more ‘at peace’ with his human side, and therefore more willing in certain circumstance, to marginally reveal his emotions. Then again, Spock could be younger, more volatile because he has less control. Hell if he knows - he’s lost count of the number of times he’s used the expression ‘mind-fuck’ in his life.
So, when he mentions Sarek, Leonard decides Spock looks, what, apprehensive? He’s only got an eyebrow raise to enjoy, but hell - it’s something. Spock doesn’t probe, he knows the ‘rules’ after all. Leonard goes on, “He’s agreed to meet me.”
“Fascinating.”
“That’s it? You find that fascinating?”
“Affirmative.”
“You gonna tell me why, dammit?” Shit, he was the one supposed to do the irritating here.
“How did you gain access, doctor?”
“What, you mean you don’t know?” Instinctively, Leonard doesn’t want to mention Amanda’s involvement. Who knows, he may tell Spock about it sometime in the future, in ‘real’ time, but for now, his habit of keeping information to himself will have to stick. He’s only told Jim and even then, only a brief outline of his hour with Amanda. He wants to keep that precious encounter someplace in his heart where no one else can go.
“No, I do not. However, doctor, I do believe that your meeting with Sarek will indeed help you.”
“You do, do you? Well I know you’re not sayin’ anything more, but Spock, I have to tell you, if this doesn’t work, I’m screwed. From what you’ve hinted at, it is essential I complete my training at the academy, that I graduate-”
“My actual word was ‘prescient’, but I find myself agreeing with you doctor. It is of the utmost import you graduate from the academy and, since a condition of that is that you control your time-travelling completely for the safety of those with whom you’ll serve, a favorable outcome to your meeting is preferable.”
“Why do I get the feeling that you agreeing with me is as about as rare as a teat on a boar?”
“While I do not understand the relevance of your simile, I have heard you use it before-” Spock stops himself mid-flow. “My apologies, doctor, allow me to rephrase - it is indeed uncommon that we agree.”
Leonard laughs. “I’ll bet Jim fucking loves it!”
“It would be accurate and not too revealing to state that, on occasion, Jim is rather fond of our ‘disagreements’, while on other occasions he is not.”
“You’re a cagey SOB, Spock - you any good at chess?”
Spock raises an eyebrow. Leonard tries to quell the feeling of joy when he thinks about how the three of them are serving on the ship together. This means that he must have somehow managed to put a cap on the chrono impairment.
“This works, doesn’t it, Spock? It has to or we wouldn’t all be together now on this ship surely?”
“Not at all. It does not follow that simply because you have been unable to affect what has happened in your past, that you will not be able to affect what happens in your future. This situation, my present is, from your point in time, merely a possibility.”
“That doesn’t make sense. Why then are you so keen that I do find a cure? I’m just a country doctor, Spock - how can any course of action I follow, in a given moment, be so damned important that you’re worried it won’t happen?”
“As you know, I am limited to what I can reveal, doctor.”
Damn this is frustrating. Spock knows ‘something’. Perhaps it’s a ‘something’ he wants to ensure happens, but it could equally be something he wants to prevent - whatever, it’s an event or decision closely related to Leonard. An event or choice in Spock’s past and in Leonard’s future. Leonard aches to know, to probe, yet he wonders if it’s the knowing that causes the problem in the first place. Things have to happen the way they happen - being fore-warned may result in future altering paradoxes. He rubs the space between his eyebrows and suddenly feels a bond with Spock. In some ways, the poor bastard’s in the same boat as he is, embroiled in conundrums, knowing too much but still working in the dark.
“I gotta find a way of licking this thing,” Leonard says, finally.
“I am aware.”
“I’m convinced that Sarek can help me in ways I haven’t even considered, that it wasn’t mere coincidence that I happened up on his blog entry a couple of years back, that his information about the Det’hnih’di is just the fly at the end of the rod and he can help me get a cure or control in other ways too. And I keep jumping here, Spock. I haven’t been back to the past for months. The connection between me trying to contact Sarek, with this, it feels significant. And I get the feeling that it works out. But it also is possible that it won’t…”
Spock looks like he’s calculating odds, but he doesn’t share his calculations with Leonard. He listens without interrupting while Leonard continues.
“I’ve never been able to change the past, Spock, what makes you think I can have an effect on the future? What if I don’t get this right, will everything, you, this ship, my future self, just cease to exist?”
“I do not know,” Spock says quietly. “We may not indeed be on this same ship in the same way. Some events may occur as they have or they may not. We cannot accurately predict. It is nonetheless essential that you cure your affliction, even before you graduate and be permitted to…” he hesitates. “Since you accept my word that something of import will take place around the time of your graduation, I have no need to convince you of how pressing a matter this is.”
Oh, so now it’s around the time of his graduation, not after. Is this a slip up or is Spock playing a great hand here, encouraging Leonard to keep his sense of urgency.
“No, you don’t need to convince me - I’ve gotta find a cure or an absolute control for my own sake too. Do you have any idea the pressure this is putting on my heart? I don’t know how many more years I can take - if I don’t get killed during one of my jumps first, that is. And there’s my daughter too; she has the errant gene and I can’t have her go through the shit I’ve had to put up with. But I’m not going to get anywhere without Sarek’s help. I need to find out at the very least what he knows about the Det’hnih’di, share any knowledge he’s got about how they control their time-travelling, shit - I don’t even know if he knows much at all, but he may be able to give me some leads, how I can trace one of them, or speak to someone else who may know. How am I going to get him onside, Spock?”
“You are aware of the Det’hnih’di?” Spock’s flicker down, then up. “Fascinating.”
“What of it? Can you tell me something more about them?”
“I cannot. You require me to provide strategies for persuasion?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Sarek will share the information he has willingly. He will be inherently fascinated by your situation. But there is more, doctor - he will be able to assist you in your cure in ways that will become apparent. To encourage him to become thus involved, you must make it clear that it is logical for him to assist you. I have some information which will help and for it to be delivered to him will involve a mind meld with you.”
“Now wait! Why can’t you jus’ tell me? Why do the mo-jo on me?”
“In this way, information can be passed on and you will not be exposed, inadvertently, to knowledge that is ‘unnecessary’ and I can assure you that there is no ‘magic’ involved, doctor.”
“I apologize, Spock - it’s just a figure of speech. I’m just nervous about you running around my mind.”
“That is understandable but also unnecessary. In a matter of seconds I can implant a data package in your mind and I will withdraw.”
“So you won’t find out about that time at the academy with Jim, me and the chocolate mousse?”
“I will be most relieved if I do not, doctor.”
“In that case, go ahead. Hell, you’ve seen my meat and potatoes enough times what the hell’s wrong with a little brain nudity among friends too, huh?”
Despite his joking, Leonard’s trembling when Spock sits beside him on the edge of the couch and extends a steady hand towards his face.
on to part 7