Time of Your Life, Ch 3, NC-17, RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

Jay bounced around the apartment trying to touch things unsuccessfully. Yet he could sit on things and walk on the floor without falling through it. Made no sense. Although, the incongruous rules governing the physical interactions of an apparition that can’t be real didn’t matter that much in the scheme of things.

Jensen wasn’t surprised that Jared couldn’t eat. The boy couldn’t pick up food any better than he was able to pick up anything else. Which was, not at all. Jensen even tried to feed him food but it would vanish upon reaching his lips. Jay twisted in disappointment.

“I’m gonna starve.” This was said plaintively and not like someone that truly feared something.

“I doubt that,” Jensen answered.

“How do you know?”

“You’re not really here, Jay. You can’t be.”

Jay nodded in a sage-like manner. He looked wiser than his years. That made Jensen curious. “How old are you?”

“Eight.”

Jensen studied the boy. “You look … a little older than when I first saw you.”

“I was six, then.”

“You aged two years since I first saw you?”

Jared nodded. “I guess.”

Jensen thought about this. But he had nothing.

“What are we going to do about my starving?”

“I don’t think-“

“So then what’s to do around here?”

Jensen started a little. “Do?” He didn’t spend all that much time in the apartment. Mostly he was at work.

“Yeah. Y’know. Got any games?”

“No. Not really.” He thought he could probably scrounge up a deck of cards. He must have one. Everyone did, right?

“So what do you have to play with?”

“Jay, I get that you’re still a kid. But as you noted I’m, uh, old and stuff. I don’t really play anymore.”

Jared’s eyes lasered in on him. “Not at all?” Incredulity leaked off him.

“Not really. Mostly I work.” His mind flashed to all that he had to still accomplish. It was early enough to get a little more done. “Speaking of which … I really should try to get in a few more hours. I can turn on the TV for you.”

Jared approached Jensen’s large flat screen and tried to run his finger along its thin end. His finger went right through it. “Huh. Skinny. Neat.”

“Yeah. So you want me to put on the Cartoon Network or something?”

Jared looked at Jensen again. “You’re really gonna work, Jenny?”

“I have to … at least for a few hours.”

His young friend looked bummed, lower lip protruding. “Well, I guess I’ll go then.”

Jensen blinked. And Jared was gone.

Jensen walked straight to his kitchen and pulled out an old bottle of Jack Daniels from his cupboard. He didn’t drink much. But tonight. He kinda thought he was due one drink.

~~~

The hallucination stayed gone and every minute Jensen wasn’t seeing things he shouldn’t be seeing made him feel better. It was all because of the concussion, had to be. The doctor probably just underestimated how hard he’d hit his head. Now that time was passing he was simply healing on his own and he wouldn’t be seeing any more things that weren’t there. Nosiree.

Sunday passed quickly and uneventfully. Just like Jensen liked it. He took Katie’s advice and didn’t go into the office. He put in some hours on his home computer and then went out and took a walk. It never got truly cold in Dallas but in February it was cooler and the crispness of the air felt good.

“I wish we lived somewhere else.”

“Yeah? Where?”

“Dunno. Somewhere with real seasons. This sucks.”

“But we get to play outdoors whenever we want.”

“I guess.”

“ ’Member the snow, Jay?”

It had snowed in February. That had been so cool. Jared looked at him with the hugest smile ever. “That was great.”

“Maybe we’ll get it again this winter.” It was early October now and the weather was warm and comfortable, just starting to dip a bit cooler in the evenings. Jensen thought about Christmas. He’d never had a white Christmas.

“Wow … that would be fantastic.”

It hadn’t snowed that Christmas but Jensen received a Nintendo Game Boy which way made up for Mother Nature’s failings. He and Jared had been glued to the thing for weeks and then in the spring Super Mario Land came out and Jared had begged his folks to get it. They hesitated a little since Jared didn’t own the Game Boy but he said Jensen was sharing his. They pretty much shared everything and after some discussion with Jensen’s parents everyone split the costs and the sharing was official.

So the handset bounced between them. The boys tended to bop back and forth between their houses, always begging to spend the night wherever they were last. At one point their moms, Sherri and Donna, joked that they were sharing custody of the boys. Jensen and Jared didn’t quite know what that meant but as long as they got to be together, they didn’t care.

Those early years were easy and laugh-filled. Recalling the uncomplicated camaraderie, Jensen wondered why he’d stopped remembering all this. Now it dominated his thoughts and made it hard to concentrate on the Johnston account. He blinked into the paperwork. Of course, intellectually he knew why he’d bottled all this up. Because if he didn’t then the rest … the later … would come with it. And he couldn’t, wouldn’t, deal with that.

By midweek Jensen realized that it was unlikely he’d make his self-imposed Friday deadline. Jeff came by to check on progress. “Just need to work on the ten-year out projections. And nail the five new manufacturing sites he could consider.”

“All outside the U.S.,” Jeff stated soberly.

Jensen nodded. He wished he could have found a U.S supplier, but there was no way to meet the profit margin Johnston wanted unless the job was farmed out overseas.

“So don’t do it.”

Jensen jumped as the young voice rang out.

“Jensen, you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost.”

Jensen flustered. “Fine. Just tired.”

“Listen … I have to ask … Samantha’s been on me about this because she doesn’t want us getting involved with anything that could smack of child labor.”

“Child labor? What’s that?”

Jensen ignored Jay. “I’ve done the best due diligence I can, Jeff. The information provided by the governments promise basic child rights protections. They don’t have our laws and we can’t impose all our labor guidelines but as far as I know we won’t be recommending any facilities that exploit children.”

“You’re gonna have kids make the clothes? Like … in factories?!”

“Shut up.”

“Jensen? I didn’t say anything. You know how Samantha is about these things.”

“Jenny … that’s your job? What you spend all day doing. Figuring out ways to get kids to work in factories?”

Jensen peered angrily at where Jared stood. He was a bit taller. Looked about ten. He was holding a Ninja Turtle in his hand. Donatello. “Hey. That was mine.”

“What was yours?”

Jeff.

“I … Maybe I need some coffee or something. You want anything, Jeff?”

Jeff gave him a puzzled look. “Pretty cold out there today. You got a scarf? You can borrow mine.”

Jensen waved him off. “ ‘S just down the block.”

He stepped around Jeff and took off not bothering to look if a certain floppy-haired kid was following.

In the doorway facing the sidewalk Jensen stopped and looked down. “You’re back.”

“Looks like.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why am I seeing you again?!”

“Dunno. Guess we’re not done yet.”

Jensen shoved his hands in his pocket and headed toward the Starbucks. He felt a tug on his arm.

“Can we hold hands? You’re the only thing I can touch.”

Big blue-gray eyes pierced him. When had he ever been able to deny those eyes anything?

“Megan wants to play again.”

“Crap. No. Girls can’t play. Them’s the rules.”

“She’s not a girl, she’s my sister.”

“I have a sister, too, and you don’t see her taggin’ along where she’s not wanted.”

“Yeah, well, your sister is a real girl. You know Meggie. She’s more boy than you are, Jenny.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“I’m calling Black Ninja.”

“No fair, dude. You got to be Black Ninja last time.”

“Tough.”

Jay looked resigned. “I call Fire Ninja.”

They both turned to Megan who had sidled up behind Jared. She’d gone through a growth spurt and was just about Jay’s height now. Slightly shorter than Jensen. Jensen looked at her with narrowed eyes. “Who will you be?”

She lifted her curved nose higher. Same nose as Jared’s. “I’m Rainbow Ninja.”

Jensen scoffed. “Rainbow Ninja?! What kind of lame Ninja is that? What’s it do, shoot puppies at people?”

Megan stared at him hard. “Her special powers are super special. She shoots happy faces.” Both boys sniggered. “Oh, yeah, Black Ninja? My powers turn evil into happy. Meaning you will be useless.”

Jensen kept smiling. “Gotta catch me first.”

And it was on. They chased each other through the Ackles back yard. Screeching so loud dogs would howl. Jared shot out fire balls and volcanoes. Jensen fought back by creating darkness pools and tornadoes. Megan would undo it all with her happy rainbow beams, temporarily disarming Jensen. He’d have to wait a certain amount of time to recharge and avoid getting hit with fireballs while he was in his ‘happy’ non-evil phase. Jared found this hysterical and kept after him relentlessly.

Jensen played along and started singing dopey Kindergarten songs. Eventually the game was called on account of giggling overdose. Jensen’s tummy started to hurt from laughing so hard.

For a fleeting moment he wondered what happened to Megan. Was she married now with a son of her own? Did he look like Jared?

As Jensen opened the door, the warmth of the Starbucks struck him at once. Wow. It really was oddly cold outside for Dallas, even in February.

Jensen stood in line trying not to look like there was an invisible person next to him. He felt a little guilty he couldn’t offer Jared anything, but really the kid couldn’t drink or eat.

When it was his turn Jensen smiled at the barista. She stared at him blankly. “I’ll have a half-caf, half decaf Americano, room for milk, Grande but in a Venti cup. Don’t want it to spill.”

“That’s it?”

Jensen gave her a studied look. “Extra hot.”

She turned her back to place the order.

He picked up his coffee and walked to the service station where he could doctor it the way he liked it. One Splenda, half a regular sugar and a little skim milk. Jay watched him throughout.

“You’re weird.”

“Hey! That’s not nice.”

Jared shrugged. “It’s true.”

“At least I’m real.”

Of course, that’s when Jensen turned around to spot the two employees staring at him, eyes wide. He was the only customer at present. Flushing, he touched his ear and mouthed ‘phone call’. Of course, he wasn’t wearing an earpiece.

Christ, they were still staring. It was cold out and he didn’t want to head back to the office with Jay but he couldn’t stay here either. Frowning, he left the Starbucks.

“Where we goin’ Jenny?”

“Back to the office.”

“Nah … c’mon let’s go have some fun.”

“I can’t. I have too much work to do.”

Jay frowned. “Right. Sending children to work.”

“Stop it. It’s not like that. You can’t possibly understand.”

Jay looked up at him again but then his eyes shifted higher, blinking madly. “Oh my god. Jenny!”

Jensen felt something cold touch his cheek.

“Jenny! It’s snowing!”

Jared pulled away and dashed down the street arms wide, passing through several people. The soft white flakes starting gaining in intensity until they filled Jensen’s vision. Snow? They hadn’t had a true snowstorm in years. He tried to think back. Many years. A flake touched his nose, another twittered past his eyelashes. And something deep inside started to glow.

“Hey. It really is snowing.”

Jay looked back at him. “Coming down fast. An’ it’s sticking. C’mon, Jenny … let’s go play.”

Jensen looked around at the folks stopping in amazement. He was practically in front of his office building again. He should go back up. He had mountains of projections to get through. He wasn’t dressed for this weather, he’d ruin his shoes. He shivered thinking he should have borrowed Jeff’s scarf. A hand tugged his coat. “C’mon … “

“But I don’t have-“

“Don’t matter. C’mon, you wuss. There’s gotta be a park around here.”

“I’m not a wuss. Just wish I had a scarf.”

Jay laughed at him. “Such a girl.”

“Am not.”

Jensen pouted. He took a sip of his coffee which helped warm him. “Okay, small fry. We can head out for a little while.”

Jared’s small fist pumped into the air. They headed to a nearby plaza. The snow was accumulating quicker than Jensen had ever seen in Dallas before. Already traffic was a mess and crawling. Jensen shuddered to think how long his normally easy commute would take this evening.

The plaza was abandoned as folks adjusted to this unexpected turn in the weather, although Jensen noted a few strolling couples and experienced a pang of loneliness. Then Jay’s eyes met his with unabashed joy and the feeling quickly vanished. The kid ran around in circles, kicking up snow. Jensen wondered what it looked like to others. Did they notice the sprays coming up out of nowhere? Or was this really all in Jensen’s head? It hurt to think about so he concentrated instead on the frosty taste of the snow as it hit his slightly upturned lips.

Jay was also trying to catch some on his tongue. “Like a slushy,” he called out. Jared’s giggles filled the space with a soft melodic twang. Like a thousand tiny bells all going at once.

Jensen wondered something. Jay was able to kick up the snow. And taste it. He knelt down and scooped a handful, rounding it carefully. Jared was still distracted trying to eat the snow and so was caught unaware when Jensen let the snowball rip through the air. It hit the boy’s shoulder and splattered with a squish. Jensen gave a little jump. It worked!

Jared squealed in surprise. Then his eyes got dark. “Oh. It is so on.”

Snow spattered wet and wild against his wool overcoat. Jensen bent back down and rearmed. His chest heaved and his eyes watered and his grin couldn’t get any bigger without bursting his face. Muscles he’d forgotten about groaned in protest but, man, this was fun.

Jared had hidden behind a bench, using it as a fort as he quickly amassed his arsenal. Jensen secured his base beside the center fountain. Snowballs flew between them in ever-increasing velocity. Jensen stopped wondering what others saw. It was snowing so hard a few extra flakes could hardly make a difference. The attacks stopped for a moment and Jensen peeked up from his hiding place to see what was up.

A wild howl sounded behind him before he felt the icy snow slam the back of his neck, chilling him bone deep as the frigid mush seeped inside his collar.

“You little-“ He turned and tackled Jared but Jay was armed with one last snowball and he squashed it in Jensen’s hair as they tumbled wildly, indenting a wide swath of snow. Jensen’s breath left him in a quick whoosh and he gulped in wet air as Jared landed full on his chest.

Laughing and working to catch his breath Jensen startled when the weight atop him shifted, grew heavier. Blinking, he saw Jared’s face had lengthened -- as had the rest of him. Long legs tangled his as Jared pushed up with arms now leanly muscled. Oh god. He’d forgotten how sudden Jay’s growth spurt had been the summer he turned fourteen. How he’d gone from small fry to being taller than Jensen almost overnight. How everything changed that summer.

Jensen pushed Jay off and sat up. Jay sat sprawled in the snow next to him. Young again. No more than ten. Jensen swallowed hard.

“Jen, you okay?”

“You … grew.”

“Yeah. A little.”

“No … I mean … never mind.” If Jay didn’t remember he didn’t want to remind him. He didn’t know if Jared was controlling the aging and Jensen certainly didn’t want to give him the idea to turn teenager again. Dammit, this was why he’d kept his memories shut off. He couldn’t handle this.

“I … have to go back to work now.”

Jay pouted. “But … we’ve been having fun, Jen. Kids are supposed to have fun.”

“I’m not a kid anymore.”

“You told me we’d always be kids, remember?”

Had he said that? He’d said a lot of things to Jared. Things he’d never said to anyone else for all the good it had done him.

Jensen stood and shook off the snow as best he could. He looked down at Jared who was swinging his arms back and forth in the snow. “You gonna be okay?”

Jared’s smile beamed at him counteracting the chill still tickling Jensen’s neck. He smiled back and started to walk away. Impulsively he turned to wave one last time. Two perfect snow angels lay side by side on the cottony ground. And Jared was nowhere to be seen.



art by apieceofcake

~~~
Jensen didn’t have many friends. Those he did have he let in only so far and no farther. It was just the way he was. Trusting too much never came to any good. He considered Katie a friend as well as his assistant. But he couldn’t imagine discussing this with her. That left Jason.

Hesitating, he reached for his cell phone which he’d dropped on the stack of papers on his desk. “Jason?”

“Jensen? Hey, man, been a while. Howya doin’?”

Had it been that long? He thought back. It was February. Yeah. Guess it was still last year the last time he’d seen Jason. Suddenly this seemed like a bad idea. What could he possibly say? “I’m doing okay. I, um had sort of an accident a few days ago.”

Jensen sensed the sudden attention on the other end. “Yeah? What kind of accident? You okay?”

He’d met Jason in college. Other than Jared he’d been the closest to a best friend Jensen’d ever had. He’d come out to Jason before anyone else. Well, not counting his family. And Jay, of course. He trusted Jason. As much as he thought he’d ever be able to trust anyone again. “I’m kinda not. Alright, I mean. I think … I’m not sure what’s wrong.”

“You at work?”

“Yeah. There’s this huge project and it’s taking up all my time. Maybe that’s all this is. Maybe I’ve been working too hard.”

“Takes time forcing children into slavery.”

Jensen jerked around. Jared eyed him with a slight smirk. Unlike Jensen, his clothes were dry, no indication they’d been playing in the snow thirty minutes ago. Jensen considered. Jay was a little taller. Not quite post-growth-spurt. He’d filled out a little. Twelve was the closest to chubby that Jensen had ever seen him.

Bright eyes skewered him. “Who ya talkin’ to?”

“Jensen, let’s meet up. After work? O’Donnell’s … what do you say?”

Jensen forced his eyes away from Jared. “I … can’t. Not tonight. Something … I have someone visiting me. I’m sorry I bothered you. Just too much work an’ it got me … I’m sorry. I’ll call again soon.”

Jason was still speaking when Jensen hung up. But he had no choice. He couldn’t possibly take Jared to a bar and it was becoming harder to pretend he wasn’t there. But how could Jared be here? Was Jensen having a nervous breakdown?

“Am I going crazy?”

“Going?” Jay teased.

“It’s not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.”

Jensen fought a hysterical giggle. Should he go back to that doctor? The young one? Have him retake the X-rays? Was his head damaged? Hallucinations were possible with a concussion but not for this long. Shouldn’t they … he … Jared … be gone by now?

“C’mon Jenny. It’s been fun, hasn’t it?”

“How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Do you read my mind?”

Jared smiled at him mysteriously. “Think of a fruit.”

Jensen pictured an apple.

“An apple.”

Jensen blanched and Jay burst into giggles. “No, you dork. I just know you. That’s your favorite. Relax. I can’t read your mind. Although that’s a neat Ninja power. Remember Silver Ninja? Ancient and wise. He read minds.”

Jensen didn’t have an answer for that. He remembered everything. That was the problem.

“I think Suzie Emerson likes me.”

“Yeah, Jen? Her tits got huge this year.”

“I know.”

“So whatcha gonna do about it? Gonna ask her out or something?”

“I dunno. Think I should?”

“Yeah. ‘Course you should, you dork. Melons like that. Why not?”

“Well, I never, you know.”

“It’s not that hard.”

They both blushed and then giggled at the unintended double entendre.

“What would you know?”

Jay’s lips twisted in an almost pout. “I kissed Penny Tisdale!”

Jensen snorted. “When you were like seven.”

Jay didn’t reply but kept looking put out. After a few moments he got quiet before adding. “You should ask her out. Bet you’d be great at kissing.”

“Yeah. I will. I guess. Why do you think I’d be good at it?”

Jay stared at him a moment. “Got those girly lips.” He burst out laughing.

“Screw you.”

Jensen had gone out with Suzie Emerson. And she’d been his first kiss. He’d told Jay it was okay. A little wet. Frankly, he’d thought kissing was overrated. That was before he realized he’d simply been kissing the wrong person.

Katie rapped on his doorway, interrupting his thoughts. “Jensen … it’s getting bad out there. I’m going to head home, okay? Look, everyone’s gone. Go home.”

Jay looked triumphant and Jensen turned away from his smiling face. “Yeah. I … traffic must be horrible. I’m sorry you stayed so long. You should have left sooner.”

She stared at him oddly. “You okay?”

Boy, he was getting asked that a lot. Did insanity show like a neon sign hanging around his head? “Yeah. I’m good.”

“The weather folks say this will be a storm for the books. Breaking all records.”

“It snowed in February before.”

“Yeah? I don’t remember-“

“About twenty years ago.”

“Ah. My family only moved here about ten years ago so that explains … “

“Yeah.”

“It’s pretty. You were out a while this afternoon. When I got back from lunch Jeff said you went for coffee but then you didn’t come back.”

He hesitated, glanced at Jay who remained silent. “I went for a walk. Ended up in the plaza. Haven’t seen this much snow in a while. It was … fun.”

Katie’s smile was super bright. “Sounds good, Jen. Glad you did that.”

She turned to go but Jensen stopped her. “We’re not going to make Friday.” It wasn’t a question but Katie nodded in agreement anyway. She tensed up as if expecting Jensen to yell at her and Jensen felt a nasty tinge at the thought. “Let’s aim for next Friday. Think it’s doable?”

Katie’s eyes widened and her smile returned. “Yeah boss. I do. Very doable.”

He smiled back. Across the room Jay studied him curiously. “Drive carefully. Get home safe.”

“You, too. See you tomorrow.”

The drive home was tedious and slogging and the seat in the rental car just didn’t feel comfortable. After the fifteen minute drive stretched into an hour, Jensen was too tired to be relieved at pulling into his garage. But Jay leapt out of the passenger seat with a bounce and headed for the stairs. “I have an elevator,” Jensen called but Jared was most of the way up already.

Jensen let them both in and was just about to heat up some soup when the doorbell rang.

“Jason?”

“If the mountain won’t come to Mohamed and all that.”

Jensen looked back to where Jay sat on the couch wondering if it would appear as if there was a dip in the sofa cushion. “It’s not the best-“

His friend swept inside looking around. “Houseguest gone?”

Jason was about Jensen’s height with short reddish brown hair and a neat beard. He took off his hat and coat and hung them on the coat hook by the door. Jensen took a deep resigned breath.

“Yes. With the weather turning bad, he, um, left early.”

“Him?” Jason questioned, eyebrow rising.

Shit. He hadn’t meant to … “Yeah. Look it’s not like that … “ But Jensen stopped because Jay was no longer a child. Instead, a tall, slim, built sixteen-year-old stared back at him with a possessive look Jensen thought he’d never see again.

Jay’s drawl made itself known. “Who’s your friend?”

~~~
Jensen poured the soup into two bowls and scrounged around for some bread. He checked for mold. Seemed okay. He placed it all on his small dining table and returned to his kitchen for a couple of beers.

“You sure you don’t want to head out for something more substantial?”

Jason waved him off. “This is fine. Mostly just wanted to see you. What happened, Jen? You sounded upset.”

Jay hovered behind Jason. All sinewy lines and sharp angles. It was one thing to lust after him when they were both fourteen. But Jensen was thirty years old. Twice the boy’s age. God. This was so wrong. “He your boyfriend?” Jay asked.

“What? No.” Soup sputtered out of his mouth. “He’s straight!”

Jason looked up from his bowl. “You mean your houseguest? I didn’t mean to be prying about that.”

“Good,” Jay purred and the heat in the room notched up higher. He walked around to stand behind Jensen, leaning in to speak directly into his ear. “Don’t share well. Never did.”

Suzie Emerson had become Jensen’s first girlfriend. They dated through most of middle school. And Jay was all for it at first. But then things started to change.

“I never see you anymore.”

“Sure you do. We see each other all the time.”

“But on weekends you’re with her.”

Jensen had rubbed the back of his head. A nervous gesture. “Yeah. Well, she’s my girlfriend. I’m supposed to see her.”

“You say it like you don’t want to.”

“I do. I mean most times. Sometimes she … “

“She what?”

“Never mind.”

Jay stepped closer. At fourteen he was slightly taller than Jensen now. Jensen didn’t know it at the time, but Jared would forever be taller. The difference was as yet barely noticeable and so when Jensen turned his head he peered straight into curious hazel eyes. Jared took another step toward him and suddenly the air seemed to thin. Like there wasn’t enough of it to sustain the two of them. Jay licked his lips. “Jenny.”

Jensen stepped back. “Don’ … don’t call me that.”

Jay blinked and the moment broke. “Sorry. I got chores. I’m gonna go.”

Jensen watched his friend practically run out the door and stood stock still staring at the spot where he’d been. He didn’t know exactly what was wrong. Only that it felt like he was hovering over a cliff, about to fall down and there sure as hell wasn’t a net.

“Jensen … dude, you okay?”

Jensen responded to Jason’s inquisitive look. Their soup bowls were empty. Jensen hardly remembered eating. He looked around but didn’t spot Jay. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“What’s this about an accident?”

“It was nothing really. Well … I totaled my car.” Jason looked shocked so Jensen quickly added. “But, I’m fine. As you can see. Not a scratch.”

“When was this?”

“Um, last Friday. Almost a week ago.”

Jason looked hesitant, his eyes avoided Jensen’s. “Jen … were you … had you been drinking?”

“What?! No. You know I don’t do that. I was driving back from a charity event. Had maybe one glass of wine all evening. Anyway, this animal shot out in front of me. Turned out to be a raccoon. I didn’t get a good look. Tried to avoid it and then this cat pops up out of nowhere. Rusty.”

“Rusty?” Jason asked, lips starting to twitch up.

“Shut up. That was the cat’s name. The owners found me after it happened. Their cat ran outside after hearing the raccoon or smelling it or whatever cats do. Anyway, they called the ambulance.”

“Ambulance?! Jen, you said you were fine.”

“I was. I mean, I am. They took X-rays and declared me fine. I had a concussion is all.”

“You know, I always knew you were gorgeous, but, man, you grew up amazing.”

Jared.

Jason stared at him, eyes narrowing. “Are you sure you’re okay? You keep spacing out in this weird way. And on the phone you said something was wrong. I can tell you’re keeping something. C’mon, dude, what’s wrong?”

Jensen refused to look at the six-feet of pure temptation hovering behind him. “Go back to kid-size, please.”

He’d kept his voice low and Jason uttered, “Huh?”

Jensen rose to clear the table and asked Jason, “Did you have a best friend as a kid?”

Jason joined him in the kitchen, placing his used bowl next to Jensen’s. He picked up the dishtowel to dry as Jensen washed. He smiled brightly. “Yeah. Marty Finkle. How ‘bout you? It was that neighbor boy you told me about, right?”

Didn’t take long to wash two bowls. They settled back on Jensen’s sofa with fresh beers. “Jay Padalecki,” Jensen answered, the full name passing his vocal cords for the first time in years. “How long were you and Marty friends?”

Jason took a long draught and put his feet up on the coffee table. “Through middle school I guess. We drifted apart in high school. You know how it is.”

Actually Jensen didn’t. Not really. There had been no drifting. Ripping, maybe.

A low, deep voice asked, “Ask him if he fell in love with his best friend.”

“I can’t do this.” Jensen felt like the floor was about to fall out from under him.

Jason’s arm reached out and squeezed Jensen’s arm in concern. “Jen? What’s wrong, man? I’ve never seen you like this.”

Jensen turned his face toward Jason whose expression warmed with concern . He was a good friend. He’d been there through Jensen’s disastrous attempts at maintaining a boyfriend in college. Never worked. That’s when he decided that dating just wasn’t for him. Easier to just find physical release and move on. No fuss. No baggage.

But this. God, he really couldn’t do this. Those two years of high school. Alone. That shit was locked down tight and needed to stay that way.

“Tell her no.”

“I can’t. How can I? Where will I live? Be reasonable.”

“Reasonable?! You’re leaving me!”

“I’m not. Not like that.”

“It’s five thousand miles. Across a fucking ocean … Jay … it’s exactly like that.”

“Jen. I have no choice. You know this.”

“Yes you do. Say ‘no’.”

“Since the accident I’ve been … thinking about someone that I haven’t thought about in a long time.”

Jason studied him. “The kid you grew up with. The one you told me you figured out … um … stuff with?”

“Yeah. Him.”

“What about me?” Jay sat on the coffee table, bending forward slightly. Jensen fought back the panic. Swallowed hard. Jason didn’t see him. He wasn’t really here.

“It’s just we parted … not so good and I guess … don’t know … maybe the accident just helped bring things up.”

“What do you mean, we parted?” Jared’s eyes widened.

Jensen stared at Jay. “You don’t know?”

Jason answered, “No. I never knew all that. You hardly spoke about it.”

Jared shook his head.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Jensen asked Jared.

Jared blushed. “Us … you know … fooling around. Trying things.”

Jason’s voice caught Jensen’s attention and he forced his eyes back to his friend. Jason answered the question unknowing it hadn’t been directed at him. “You told me that you’d figured out you were gay when you were attracted to the boy across the street. Once, when we were trashed, you told me you lost your virginity with him. Where’s all this coming from, Jensen? Like your life flashed before your eyes during the accident?”

Jensen turned back to Jay and stared into the confused eyes of the boy he’d once loved more than anything. “Something like that.”

“So what happened with Jay?” Jason asked softly. “You never said how you broke up.”

“He left,” Jensen said simply.

Jared’s eyes turned liquid. “I would never have left you.”

“Where’d he go?” Jason asked softly.

Jensen tore his eyes away from Jared’s. “Away from me.”

“Well, you know, if you’re thinking about him … maybe you should do something about it. Get closure or whatever. Do you know where he is now?”

Jensen started at Jason’s words because Jay was sitting right in front of him now. Except. That wasn’t exactly true. “You mean … find him now?”

“Yes.”

“No.”

The conflicting words pelted Jensen from both sides. He turned to Jason who was nodding his head affirmatively with vigor. His friend continued. “Sure. Why not? Sometimes it’s best to close doors all the way, you know? I get the impression that this guy is your ‘what if’. Who knows? He could be fat and balding and married or something now. Or maybe he’s been thinking about you, too. Only one way to know for sure.”

Jared stood up and paced. He repeated his objection. “No. Don’t do that.”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“I think you should,” Jason repeated. “Maybe he’s thinking about you, too, and … well, you might hook up again. Or … he’s got someone and you’ll know that chapter is over. I think maybe what has you all … like this … is the not knowing.”

Jensen turned back to Jared as the teenager continued to shake his head no. “I can’t explain … it’s a bad idea. Don’t Jenny. Don’t do it.”

Go to Chapter 4
Go to Master Post