Beholder, Ch. 9, NC-17, RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

Jensen walked along Jared’s side silently. Jared would sneak a look over every few minutes. Sometimes he caught Jen looking back. The third time it happened he smiled like a teenager and brushed his fingers against Jensen’s gently. After a few blocks of almost touches and accidental swipes they stopped at a crosswalk waiting for the signal to change, and Jared gave in to what he’d been craving and took Jensen’s hand in his, weaving their fingers together.

Jensen tilted his head up at this.

“Okay?” Jared asked.

Jensen didn’t reply but didn’t let go.

The walk went fast after that. They were about a block away when Jared pulled Jensen into the front entrance of a closed office building. He hoped it was shadowed enough. “Want to talk to you a minute before we meet with Jeff.” He tugged on the edges of Jensen’s hood. “Think it’s pretty private here. Take this off? Easier to talk when I can see you.”

Jensen looked around. Hesitated. Finally, he slowly pulled the hood back. Jared smiled broadly. Felt that surge of pleasure at seeing Jensen. Was a rush like it had been the first time he ever laid eyes on him. Jensen was stunning. It stole his breath away. Before Jared was able to compose himself again he leaned in for a kiss.

Jensen kissed back eagerly, but pulled away after a minute, pushing on Jared’s chest gently. “Jared. This is not talking.”

Jared giggled, touching Jensen’s lip with his thumb. “Guess not. More fun though.”

Jensen smiled at him but quickly sobered. “What talk about?”

“I … met with Jeff earlier today.”

Jensen immediately stiffened, face frowning. “Talk about me?”

“No. Well not about what he found out about your past. He said he wouldn’t talk about that without you there. But … I told him about the restaurant workers and what they did … “

Jensen snarled. “No! Jared … no police. Trouble. Blame Beast.” His eyes narrowed. “Should not do.”

Jared gulped. “I … Jen, I’m sorry. I would never do something you wouldn’t want … but I trust Jeff. I told him as a friend. All of it is off the record. He was off duty. Jen … “ He grabbed Jensen’s arm. “They hurt you.”

Maybe it wasn’t enough to justify breaking Jensen’s confidence. But it was everything.

“Why trust Jeff?” Jensen asked unexpectedly.

Jared was taken aback. Didn’t have a ready answer. The trust lived in his gut, like everything else important. It was the way Jared was wired. “I just do. He … he shared stuff about his brother, Joel. Personal stuff. And he gets … “

Jensen waited but then got impatient. “Gets what?”

Us, Jared wanted to say. Instead he replied with a partial truth, “Me.”

“What about brother?”

“Like I said, it was personal.”

“You tell him personal about me!”

Jensen had him there. But how to explain this without Jensen thinking that Jared thought he was crazy? Jared chastised himself. Not crazy. Mentally ill. But in the end it would come out seeming the same. “His brother is schizophrenic. When he doesn’t take his medications he’s ended up living on the streets.”

Jared planned to explain that he didn’t believe that this was Jensen’s situation at all. How he believed Jensen suffered from a physical condition and not a mental illness.

It happened fast. One minute they stood in an entranceway a block away from the precinct and the next moment Jensen roared and fled not even taking the time to raise his hood. It flapped behind him madly as he raced down the street.

Shit. No!

“Jensen! C’mon, man, stop. Please.”

Jared ran after him. But Jensen was slight and incredibly swift and pumped with adrenaline and knew shortcuts that Jared didn’t and he was out of sight before Jared reached the next crosswalk. Jared stood looking uncomprehendingly at the people walking, cars moving while his body went numb, close to shock. How did this happen? How could he have let this happen? He spun around a few times but didn’t know which direction to take.

Jensen was gone.



Jeff urged him into a seat. “Calm down.”

“No. We should be out there. We have to find him!”

Jared jumped back up. His heart beat furiously. How could Jensen just run away like that? He’d promised he wouldn’t leave Jared. But he had. What had Jared said? What set Jensen off like that?

Jeff’s level voice broke his inner panic. “This isn’t unusual, Jared. Joel has done it to me, to his boyfriend … it’s just part of the illness. Delusions are common. So is paranoia. Suddenly they believe in conspiracies against them. They can’t help themselves. It’s not that Jensen doesn’t want to trust you. It’s the chemistry of his brain misfiring that’s making it impossible.”

Jared met Jeff’s eyes. They shone with sympathy and truth. God. Was that all this was? A sudden paranoid attack of a delusional mind? Not that this was simple, but Jared had been so convinced, so sure that something had actually happened to Jensen. That the curse was real.

He had to know suddenly how Jeff was so sure that Jensen was mentally ill. “Jeff. I know you didn’t want to tell me what you uncovered without Jensen here. But … if it could help me find him … “

Jeff hesitated, eyes drifting to a closed folder on the desk in front of him. “Okay,” he said slowly, drawing the word out. “I know you care about him. Maybe this will help you accept the situation.”

“What situation?”

“Eight years ago Jensen was institutionalized. I don’t have diagnostic information. That’s confidential.”

Jared fought back the chill running up his back. “Where was this?”

“Detroit.” At Jared’s wide-eyed stare Jeff continued. “They held him in a municipal facility for six months. Then he was released as an out-patient. Within three months he vanished from their records. But that’s not unusual. Joel - when he skips his meds - he’s gone missing for months, years, at a time. He’s … creative, my brother. Boisterous, exuberant. Fanciful. It’s infectious. You can’t help but smile around him. He builds worlds and swallows you up in them. They seem real. But then the dark side appears. The monsters and demons and the fear. That’s real, too. And he loses himself.”

“Do you … is Joel alright now?” Jared asked fearfully.

“Yes. I found him again recently. He looked about how Jensen did when I first saw him. I begged Joel to move in with me but only if he kept his doctor’s visits and took his medications. They steady him.” Brown eyes bore into Jared’s hazel ones. “I get it, Jay. I do. I miss my brother sometimes. My real brother. The way he is on the medication … it’s not the same. Sure, it makes for a sane existence. No more impromptu treasure hunts or quests for holy artifacts or conversations with the shadow people. No witches or curses. Ordinary life walking my beat is hard to compete with all that. But I also don’t have to go to sleep worrying every night if some human monster is forcing himself on my brother while he’s battling the gnomes that came to life in the yard next door.”

Jared slumped in the seat, defeated. He saw the amazing light of Jensen’s eyes. The horror in his face as he spoke of the dark-eyed witch that cursed him. Turned him into a beast. Fanciful. Right. The thing is, Jared had believed it. Well, he believed someone made Jensen believe this. Someone real, not merely a product of a broken mind. Jared needed it to be real, he realized suddenly. Because if it were, then the curse could be broken. And Jensen could be free.

“I wanted it to be real,” he let out haltingly to Jeff.

The policeman put a hand on his arm, squeezing once. “I know.”

His hair had fallen over his eyes and Jared peered at Jeff through it. “If Jensen sees a doctor. Gets help again. Would he … would he still be Jensen?”

Will die this time, Jared. The words rang in his head. Is this what Jensen had meant? That the doctors took away who he was. That they essentially killed him?

“I don’t know what Jensen’s medical situation is, then or now. But the medications keep getting better. Joel has been doing well. Years ago the drugs would make him lethargic. Zombie-like. Not anymore. He gets sleepy sometimes, but most of the time he’s … still Joel. A normal version of Joel. Like I remember from when we were kids.”

“How old was your brother when … when he got ill?”

“Nineteen. Just after high school. Started talking to me about odd things. Conspiracies. I … it’s hard to describe. At first I thought it was true. I mean hell, I was a kid … I didn’t think … but he got wilder, more out of control. He’d get agitated and his temper was uncontrollable. Our parents got frightened. His boyfriend couldn’t … he’d been with Seth since his freshman year of high school. They were tight. But Joel kept telling me he thought Seth was up to something. At first I thought maybe he meant he was cheating on him but the accusations got crazier, more out there. He talked about seeing him with the shadows. Dancing with a blue shadow who was trying to trick him into giving up the quest.”

Jared’s eyes grew huge. This was just so much to take in. “Did Seth break up with your brother?” he asked curious.

“No, not in the way you think. Seth loved my brother. He tried. Reasoned with him that he was on his side. Would never hurt him. But Joel couldn’t process the truth anymore. We knew by then that he needed help. Except Joel thought the doctors were part of the blue shadow conspiracy. Said he could see the shadows hovering around their necks. Couldn’t trust them. Couldn’t trust anyone. That’s the first time he ran away. I didn’t see him again for three years after that.”

“Oh god,” Jared let out.

“My parents tried the police. Hired a private investigator. Hell, I joined the police academy thinking it would help me find my brother.”

Jared could feel Jeff’s pain as he talked. “How did you find him?”

“He came back on his own. Not to us. He found Seth. It was … rough.” Jared stared at this. “Yeah. When Joel first vanished, Seth … well, he was a mess. Blamed himself. Admitted that for months he’d noticed changes in Joel. Mood swings and erratic behavior. He thought it was stress, starting a new job, a new school. He thought maybe if he’d intervened sooner that Joel could have gotten help earlier. Anyway, he took Joel’s leaving really hard. Like I said, they were tight.

“But three years is a long time and Seth had moved on. Well, he thought he had, at least. But my brother bounced back into his life like he hadn’t been gone. And my brother’s a force of nature. Seth’s new partner didn’t stand a chance. But we convinced Joel to see a doctor. Finally got a real diagnosis and they tried different medications. Some made him sleep all day. Like the walking dead. Others did nothing or made him worse. They tried to find a balance. It’s more art than science. Got no idea what makes the brain work, not really.” Jared could tell Jeff was remembering something hurtful when he paused.

Jared twisted his hands, tried not to see himself as Seth. Failed. Finally had to ask. “Then what happened? Did your brother run away again?”

Jeff let out a soft breath, face tight. “Not right away. He moved in with Seth and they made a go of it. I visited whenever I could. Checked up on him during the day. Some days I’d see him laying on the couch, drool coming out of his mouth, head lolling. Broke my heart. It devastated Seth … We’d all been friends for a long time. It was tough. Other times, Joel was fine. Normal. We’d laugh and talk about old times. When it was good like that - seeing them together - they were … special.

“Then, one night I stopped over after my shift and … it was bad. They were fighting. Seth’s lip was bleeding. Joel had punched him. Accused him of conspiring again with the shadow people. He was ranting, out of control, snarling and almost howling. He said they were all over Seth. He said he hadn’t hit Seth, only the shadows.” Jeff raised his eyes to Jared’s and held him captive. “Something broke in Seth after that. We … had to put my brother in a mental hospital. My parent’s drained the last of their retirement money to find a top-notch private place. Except places like that … it’s all voluntary. One week after admission Joel vanished. Didn’t see him again for five years.”

Jared gasped audibly. “Kid, I’m not telling you all this to torture you. But it’s hard loving someone like that. Sometimes it’s darn near impossible.”

“You do,” Jared said softly.

Jeff looked down, running a hand through his silver speckled beard. “Yeah, well, he’s my brother.”

“Did Seth stop?”

“Stop what?” Jeff asked confused.

“Loving him?”

Jeff looked startled at the question. “I haven’t spoken with him in a while. He knows Joel is back. But they’re not … “ Jeff trailed off and met Jared’s eyes.

Jared nodded because the answer didn’t need to be verbalized. He felt like he had a lifetime’s worth of information to process. And still the need to find Jensen was pulsing through his blood like fast-acting venom.

“I have to go.”

Jeff stood and walked him back outside. “How ‘bout your girl?” Jeff asked at the doorway. “Maybe you should consider making a go of that.”

Jared looked at Jeff sadly. “Can’t recap the genie.” He forced a small smile on his face. “Thanks.”

He was surprised to be drawn into a one-armed manly hug. “Take care of yourself.”

Jared pulled back and met Jeff’s eyes for one last pleading look. “Jeff. If you spot him … call me. Please?”

He sensed Jeff’s hesitation. “Okay.”



Jeff didn’t call.

And Jared couldn’t help but stare at every gray jacket he passed in the street. It was fall, and hoodies suddenly seemed to be everywhere. He knew it was a mistake but he staked out the White Star’s alley, trying to stay out of sight. Jensen never came.

Misha tried to help. Except he didn’t understand. Thought Jensen was Jared’s admittedly obsessive charity case. Not much different than Sadie. Not that Misha considered Jensen as a pet, as a beast. Misha wasn’t like that. But he didn’t get the depth of Jared’s feelings. How could he? Jared barely understood his own feelings.

“I think that’s the last of the boxes. Damn, Jay, didja have to move from one fifth floor walkup to another?!”

Jared had finally found his own place. And, yeah, it was another walkup. But it was all he could afford. Especially since he’d insisted the apartment had to have two bedrooms. Misha had looked at the small extra room with wide questioning eyes. Jared said it was to create a home office.

“An office?”

“Yeah.”

“For what? Not like you work some corporate job and will be bringing work home.”

“I’ll put my computer in there and some other shit.”

“But … you have a laptop, Jay. That hardly requires its own room.”

Jared stayed quiet. There was no need to explain himself further. If Misha figured out the real reason for the must-have second bedroom he never said.

Jared shook off his melancholy and plopped himself on his new sofa. That and his new king-size bed were his biggest indulgences in years. The sofa had been used but in good shape. It was extra-long and extra deep. More than enough to handle his ginormous frame. And the fact that it could easily serve as an extra bed until he could save up enough to buy one for the spare room, well, that was incidental. He really was a big guy.

Misha dropped down next to him. “Got anything to drink in your fridge?”

Jared rose and brought back two beers. “Went shopping yesterday.”

“Essentials,” Misha said dryly, bringing the bottle to his lips.

Jared took his own long swig. “You betcha.”

“This is so close to the shelter. Now you’ll never leave work.”

Jared took another swallow and turned toward his friend. “Mish?”

“Mmm?”

Jared floated the idea he’d been struck with when he signed the lease. “I want to adopt Sadie. Think she’ll be okay here while I’m working?”

Misha smiled at him. “She’ll be fine. Better than the kennel she’s in now. Plus, you can bring her to hang in the shelter with us like always. If you want, I can process it tomorrow and bring her by. You can unpack and get ready that way.”

“That would be great!” The joy that filled him at the thought of having Sadie with him here tomorrow took Jared by surprise. “Thanks, man.”

“No worries.” Misha put his empty bottle down on the rectangular coffee table. “I should be going.” He hesitated. “You gonna be okay?”

Jared met warm blue eyes. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Jay … “

“Misha, I’m fine. It’s cool. Hey, I’m twenty-five years old … it’s about time I learned to live on my own.”



A week later Jared was surprised to find himself sitting on his still-new-to-him sofa watching Chad absently stroke the top of Sadie’s head. When he’d first gotten Chad’s call he’d felt odd. Chad and Sophia were more Sandy’s friends than his and that was before he and Sandy had split. He was trying not to be suspicious but wondered if Sandy had sent Chad over here for some ulterior reason. Best case, she was just checking up on Jared. Worst, she wanted something and was too afraid to confront Jared herself.

“So … “ Chad started hesitantly. “Nice place.”

“Mmm. Thanks.”

“And you finally got a dog, dude. I know how you always wanted … and Sandy, well … “ Chad colored slightly and kept his eyes firmly on the top of Sadie’s shiny brown head. “Glad that part worked out. She’s a cutie, man.”

Jared couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah. She’s my girl.”

Chad looked up at this, meeting Jared’s eyes, his own narrowed slightly. He ran a hand through his short-cropped blonde hair. “Um, yeah, about that … So, um, Sandy tells me you’re into dick now.”

Jared tried not to snort. He really couldn’t picture Sandy saying anything quite that crude, ever. There was something almost reassuring about how consistently inappropriate Chad could be. He met Chad’s curious gaze evenly. It was so none of this guy’s business. But, he wasn’t ashamed of anything. “I’m bi-sexual. Figured it out in college.”

“Right. College. Experimentation and all that.” Chad blushed and looked away. “Not that I … well, except for when … but I never really knew … never mind.”

Jared really didn’t want to know.

“You and the homeless guy, eh?” Chad blurted out suddenly.

Well, that was unexpected. Sandy must have spoken to Sophia about this. Jared bit back his temper. “His name is Jensen. And it’s not … it’s complicated.”

“Yeah. Always is. Look, for what it’s worth I … I’m sorry we got him all almost arrested and shit. I didn’t know you and he … I, um, told him I was sorry when I saw him. So, we’re cool … right?”

Jared met his eyes. “Sure, Chad, we’re cool-Wait. What? When you saw him?!”

“What?”

“What do you mean ‘when you saw him’? Did you see Jensen recently? Where?”

“Well, Sandy saw him first. She was running in Franklin Park. She mentioned it to Sophie. She was … well, she decided to find another running path. But I … well, I took a walk an’ he was sleeping on a bench there. Well, more like under it or something. But whatever. I got as close as I could … and I thought he was gonna bolt but then I guess he recognized me or something. He quieted down and came closer. Didn’t smell bad or anything. Looked almost clean, I guess. Well, for someone sleeping on the ground. Then, he mumbled your name.”

Jared’s heart skipped. “He asked for me?”

“He asked if you were okay.”

Something warm settled deep in Jared’s chest. “Was he okay? Did he look hurt?”

Chad studied him curiously. “Nah. Like I said, he seemed … fine. Anyway, I told him that as far as I knew you were great. That you’d moved out and had a new place over here on Tenth. After he heard you were okay he went to leave. So like I said, I told him I was sorry for what happened that other time. An’ then I gave him an apple and he disappeared into the park.”

“You gave him an apple?”

Chad shifted as if something had crawled into his pants. “Well … I didn’t know what else to … Didn’t have much at home so I grabbed it before heading out and … “

“Chad. That was really … kind of you. Thank you.”

Chad looked around suddenly as if expecting to see Jensen pop up. “Now that you … how come he’s still sleeping on the street. I would have thought … ?”

“Like I said. It’s complicated. Jensen has some … issues. It’s really hard for him to trust. Even … even me. Chad, what you did. That means a lot to me. And Jensen. Thanks.”

Chad shrugged.



Of course, Jensen was no longer in Franklin Park. It’s not that Jared had really expected to see him on or under any benches. But it stung nonetheless. At least as of Chad’s sighting Jensen was still in town. He hadn’t fled completely. But this was small consolation.

Another two weeks passed and the weather was quickly getting colder. Every ice-tinged lick against his skin chilled Jared’s veins when he thought of Jensen with just his hoodie. The empty bedroom in his apartment hammered him further. That was Jensen’s room. Only he wasn’t in it. Wasn’t in Jared’s life. They’d spent so little time together. How was it that Jared could miss him so much?

Jared’s friends rallied around him best they could, even if they didn’t completely understand. Jeff moved into the little circle of people Jared cared about easily.

Shortly after Jensen’s disappearance, Jeff invited Jared over to dinner and Jared got to meet Joel. The two brothers resembled each other so much they could have been twins. Joel was only a couple of years older than Jeff, a little shorter, but with a similar muscular build. They shared the same slightly bemused grin. But then Jared looked a little closer. Joel’s eyes were lighter than his brother’s. Almost gold in certain light and Jared fought off a memory.

During dinner Joel was animated and lively. His conversation drifted from sports to music to dance to television and every new topic made his eyes sweep over Jared’s face searching for connection.

Over dessert Joel mentioned in passing to his brother. “I saw Seth.”

Jared’s eyes leapt up to his friend. He knew Jeff was worried about this. It had been the start of his brother’s demise last time. Not that Jeff blamed Seth. But Jeff had talked about Joel enough now that Jared knew it was impossible not to be concerned about that relationship.

“Yeah?”

Jared sensed the tension. Jeff glanced toward Jared as if trying to silently convey to Joel that maybe this conversation should be private.

Joel didn’t seem to notice. His eyes looked inward and his words came out as if he were alone. “Yeah. He is still so beautiful.”

“Joel … “

“I know. Jeff, I know. I just … wish I could save him.”

“He doesn’t need you to save him. He never did.”

Joel stared hard at his brother. “You’re wrong. I’m not talking about the monsters. But he sure as hell needs saving. I just … don’t know if I can. Not every fairy tale ends happy.” Glowing, cat-like eyes bore into Jared suddenly. “You understand, don’t you? I see it in you. You know.”

Jared swallowed. “Know what?”

“How to love.”

Jared was locked into Joel’s gaze. It was as clear and lucid as the sky after a downpour, the mist burned away by the quick blaze of the sun. Jared couldn’t answer.

Jeff changed the subject by asking about what Joel had bought at the store today, and the moment vanished.

But Jared couldn’t shake the feeling he’d been given a message that went deeper than any words spoken.



Three weeks to the day that Jensen ran away, he reappeared.

Jared had never given up. Had spent every day taking long, meandering walks, first in the neighborhood and then expanding to other less-than-stellar areas of the city, scouting out places where the indigent often ended up. He’d bring some supplies. Basic stuff that was easy to carry. Fruits. Bread. Yogurt. Bottled water and juice boxes. Socks. So little. But so much. Then he’d wander and hand things out. Sometimes he’d start up conversations. Not often. Most folks preferred to be left alone. When he could, he made some gentle inquiries.

It actually heartened him that people were reluctant to talk much about Jensen. He understood that the street people had trouble trusting outsiders. So even though it frustrated the hell out of Jared, he knew that it was safer for Jensen that folks weren’t talking.

What Jared didn’t expect was that the homeless were starting to talk about him. Jeff was the one that informed him of his reputation.

“They think you’re Robin Hood or something. They call you ‘Tall Guy.’”

Jared laughed. “I don’t steal though. Do they think I’m giving out pilfered goods?”

This earned him a hearty chuckle back. “Probably. You’re like Batman, Robin Hood and a freakin’ angel, all wrapped into one.”

“Flattery will get you anywhere. That the only reason for this call?” Jeff went quiet and Jared suddenly knew this was about Jensen. His heart plummeted. Oh god. “Is he okay?”

“I guess. I mean, I don’t know. Haven’t seen him.”

“But … “

“I … think I have something new. A report from California. Could be nothing. A coincidence. But I’m digging further, waitin’ on a call. It’s just … Look. Let’s meet, okay?”

Jeff agreed to come to Jared’s apartment after Jeff’s shift later that evening.

Jared just finished preparing dinner and was taking out his recyclable trash, juggling a stack of old newspapers in one hand and a bag full of empty beer bottles and cans and plastics in the other. Preoccupied with what Jeff might tell him later, Jared didn’t even notice the huddled figure hiding behind the bright blue bins on the side of his apartment building.

“Jared.”

Jared jumped and dropped the bag. The tinkle of broken glass broke the quiet.

“Omigod. Jensen.” He took a step forward and then stopped, mouth hanging open stupidly. Arms aching to … hold. But Jensen was in full beast mode. Hidden and tight and restrained.

“Are you alright?” Jared asked when his throat remembered how to work.

“Beast fine.”

Jared cringed. “You are not a beast,” he said, almost out of habit.

Jensen took a step forward. He pulled his hood down on his own. Jared took in as much as he could within the dim light of the single bulb. Jensen’s face was smudged gray, his beard had grown in obscuring the freckles. His hair needed a wash. And he was still so beautiful that Jared had to swallow down the surge of emotion coursing through him.

“I am fine. You must stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Tall Guy. They all speak of you. Bring food, clothes. They say, angel. I know it is my Jared. But not safe. My world not safe. Please stop.”

Jared took a step closer. Jensen wore a pair of sweats Jared didn’t recognize but the same gray hoodie, only it was far worse for wear now. He could smell Jensen from where he stood, his body odor sharp and pungent. “You need a shower,” he said, ignoring Jensen’s request.

Jensen’s nose unconsciously wrinkled as if he’d just smelled himself. His eyes were soft. “Jared. Why not listen to me?”

“Come upstairs. Use my shower. We can have dinner together. I made chili. Do you like chili? Real hot. Will grow hair on your chest.”

Jensen looked at him oddly. “I have hair.”

Jared smiled, recalling the soft, baby fine blondish hairs on Jensen’s chest. He felt the heat puddle down low. He had to keep talking, keep Jensen from leaving. “They talk about you, too. The beast that shares his food. Keeps them safe. And they protect you. Nobody told me where I could find you.” He took another casual step forward until they stood close enough to touch. He should be repulsed by Jensen’s unwashed state. But he saw beyond it.

Ever so slowly, Jared raised his hand. When Jensen didn’t flinch away, Jared touched Jensen’s cheek with one finger. His whiskers were rough. “Why did you come back?”

“Fear for you. You do not stop.” Jensen’s hand came up and mimicked Jared’s actions. A dirty finger stroked Jared’s jaw. Jared leaned into it looking to increase the contact. His face fell into Jensen’s palm.

“That the only reason?”

Jensen didn’t answer but his eyes looked almost black in the golden light. Jared didn’t wait, he took Jensen’s hand firmly in his and walked him inside, up the stairs, into his apartment.

Sadie bounded over almost as happy to see Jensen as Jared had been. Jared watched silently as Jensen kneeled down to bury himself in her soft fur. He looked up at Jared, eyes wide and bright. “Sadie live here now?”

Jared’s beaming smile was all the answer needed.

He watched Jensen and Sadie a few more minutes before disappearing into his bedroom and returning with clean clothes for Jensen.

Twenty minutes later Jensen emerged from the shower, hair dark with moisture, spiky and clean. His face was clean shaven once more. Jared’s sweats were several inches too long on him and fell in a puddle near his ankles. The tee-shirt also hung loosely on Jensen’s smaller frame. Jared looked at the slight steam wafting out of the bathroom’s opening. The tub was probably scrubbed to within an inch of its porcelain shell. Probably cleaner than when Jared moved in.

Their eyes met and the heat that had started to build in Jared the minute Jensen pulled down his hood now began to simmer to a boil. He stepped into Jensen’s space and grasped his upper arms, leaning down and pressing their foreheads together. Jensen smelled of strawberry shampoo and toothpaste and man. “Why did you come back?” he asked again.

Jensen pulled back and stared at Jared deeply, then raised his hands to Jared’s neck and pulled down, smashing their lips together. Oh yeah. This was what Jared had been craving for weeks. Soft inviting heat and wet pulsing strokes that went straight to his cock. He moved them against a wall and pulled Jensen up until their groins shoved into each other and the heat, the fire, moving over his body was all consuming.

They kissed deep and long and dirty. Wet hungry thrusts that copied the movements of their lower bodies. Jared tugged Jensen’s full lower lip between this teeth, flicking his tongue teasingly against it. They ground against each other in hungry gasps. Jared’s hand drifted down, cupping Jensen’s erection through the soft cotton. So hard. So hot. God. He pressed in tighter, teeth mashing and lips searching. Jensen pulled back breathless and tugged his tee-shirt off with a harsh grunt. Jared followed suit and quickly bent his head down to suck into Jensen’s neck, feeling the blood pool and heat the surface under his teeth. Fuck. He was so hungry and Jensen … Jensen was his.

Jared’s lips moved downward, licking hard and wet against Jensen’s nipple until the bud tightened and reddened and Jared’s fever rose to a level he didn’t know he could reach. With a growl he dipped lower, tracking down Jen’s chest, nibbling on his tight abs until he reached the trail of dark blonde hair eddying down from navel to sagging waistband of the too-large pants. Jared dropped down to his knees and yanked the sweatpants down in one harsh pull, freeing Jensen’s cock to jab his lips. It was red and weeping and fucking perfect as Jared tested its tension in his fist and began to suck at the tip. Jensen let out a growl that was way more animal than human - and was the single sexiest sound Jared had ever heard.

Unbidden, he sucked Jensen in with one long breath and held Jensen’s hip taunt with his free hand. He felt the pressure of Jensen holding back, trying not to buck wildly into Jared’s mouth and looked up as he pulled his lips back slowly over Jensen’s length. He kept only the crown in his mouth, suckling gently, playing languidly with his balls with the other hand and kept his eyes up until they caught Jensen’s. The fiery green stare that met his dissolved all remnants of self-control and with his own growl he sucked that magnificent cock to the back of his throat. Pulling back he murmured up, “It’s okay, fuck my mouth. Want you to.”

Jensen lost it. Hips pistoning, he thrust into Jared’s mouth uttering loud, unrestrained groans of pure pleasure. His hands dug into Jared’s hair, pulling and tugging, almost harshly, except it felt good, it all felt good. Jared couldn’t stand the pressure on his crotch any more. He yanked his pants open and pulled out his own dick. He sensed when Jensen noticed Jared jerking himself, stroking his own rigid cock in time with the pushes Jensen was making into his mouth.

As Jensen’s plunges intensified he started calling out Jared’s name in such a broken whisper that Jared lost himself completely, forgetting his own need in the urgent act of giving Jensen pleasure. He glanced up one last time as Jensen’s head struck the wall behind him, body writhing wildly and Jared’s name escaping on a sob. Jensen released fast and strong, filling Jared’s mouth and shooting down his throat. Jared swallowed convulsively, inhaling air through his nose and savoring the salty taste until Jensen shuddered and melted limply against Jared.

Jared held Jensen tight, hand returning to his own cock, jerking hard and fast. Jensen slid down the wall until he was kneeling in front of Jared, and Jared shook as Jensen slipped his own hand over Jared’s. The combination of their hands on his dick was so good, so hot, his cock jerked into his fist uncontrollably. Jensen murmured Jared’s name before whispering, “Come on me.” That was all it took. Jared’s orgasm blasted out of him, traveling from his balls up and out, trembling through his body. He sagged into Jensen, letting Jensen support his weight, rubbing his come between their bellies.

When breath was possible Jared put his lips back to Jensen’s once more, nearly dying from the intensity of Jensen licking his taste out of Jared’s mouth like a kitten lapping up milk. It took a moment for Jared to realize that there was an unexplained wetness against his face, and he pulled back to see tears zigging down the side of Jensen’s nose. “Jen?” he asked, suddenly concerned.

Jensen sunk into his shoulder, breath hitching as he fought for control.

“Jen? What’s wrong?”

“Hurt,” he muttered near Jared’s ear.

“Did I hurt you?” Jared asked incredulously.

“Hurt without you.”

Jared kissed him again, pouring everything he was too scared to say into it. They drank each other in. He used his discarded tee-shirt to clean them up and then helped Jensen pull his pants back up before donning his own. “C’mon,” he said. “I have something to show you.”

Jensen slipped his borrowed tee-shirt back over his head and followed Jared into the spare bedroom.

Jensen took in the small space. On one wall was a desk holding Jared’s laptop, above it he’d installed some shelves which held some magazine files and books. A few favorite photos from trips he’d taken in matching simple black frames adorned the wall. The opposite wall held a futon. “That opens into a bed.” He watched for the reaction in those burning eyes. “This. Is your room.”

Jensen dropped onto the futon as if his legs could no longer hold his weight. “Beast thought … “

“What did you think, Jensen?”

“Police. Talk of hospital. Drugs. Jeff’s brother crazy and you think, like Beast. I think, Jared does not know. Not understand. Because Jared good. Try to help me.” For the first time Jared saw pleading on Jensen’s face. “But will kill me. Do not want to go.”

“Go where? Jensen, I’d never, ever make you go anywhere you didn’t want to go. Never.”

“They … lock me up. Never leave.” He looked away, eyes hidden. “Hurt me.”

Jared knelt down to face him, to look in Jen’s eyes. He needed to understand.

Sadie barked suddenly. The doorbell rang. Jensen jumped up.

Shit. That was Jeff.

Jared turned to Jensen. “Listen to me. Please. Jeff is here.” At Jensen’s panicked stare Jared took his hands in his. “Jen. Please. You know how I feel about you … I’d never let … I trust Jeff. He’s a friend. A good friend. I was nuts when you were gone. Out of my mind. You left me. I didn’t know if I’d … Don’t run again. Please.”

Jensen didn’t say anything, but his face remained closed, scared. Jared sensed that Jensen wanted to flee, it was instinct. Years of survival kicking in. He understood but he couldn’t lose Jensen again.

The doorbell rang once more.

They stared at each other in silence. Jared felt his control breaking. “It hurts without you,” he admitted, repeating Jensen’s words.

“Will not go with him,” Jensen said, voice steady.

“I understand that. I won’t ask you to. Just stay here. I won’t even tell him you’re here. I promise.”

He leaned in to press his lips softly back to Jensen’s before closing the door behind him. This would not be easy. Jared trusted Jeff and he didn’t want to lie to him. But he knew where his priorities lay. He ran into his bedroom to throw on a shirt and checked himself out in the mirror quickly. Best he could do.

He apologized as he opened the door. “Sorry to keep you waiting. I was in the bathroom.”

Jeff entered, eyes instantly sweeping the space. “Everything okay?” he asked, leaning down to pat the top of Sadie’s head.

Avoiding Jeff’s eyes, Jared swiped absently at his hair. He glanced down to be sure his zipper was back up and sucked in air. “Sure. Just. You know, hard day. What did you want to tell me?”

He offered Jeff a beer and they both sat on Jared’s plump sofa. Jeff hesitated a moment, eyes doubtful. Jared forced himself to meet the other man’s gaze head on. Jeff must have been satisfied because he took a long swallow and grinned.

“I think we have a break. I think I found Jensen.”

Jared’s eyes widened. Found him? Not so much, given that Jensen was currently ensconced in Jared’s spare room. In Jensen’s room. As if to punctuate that point Sadie rapped up on the spare bedroom door with a loud whine.

“Sadie,” Jared commanded. “Lie down.” The dog whimpered once but then scampered to her favorite blanket and settled in with a final flick of her tale.

“Where? Where do you think he … I mean, where is he?”

“No, Jay. I don’t know where he is. Sorry. But that’s not … I know who he is. Or really … was. You see, Jensen is dead.”

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