(no subject)
Who: Rose and Jack
When: Midnight-ish, 6 days after Rose's arrival
Where: The Hub
What: Insomnia leads to a late night argument and then late night bonding.
Rose couldn't sleep. She'd finished her work for the day, and gone back to her new apartment to find... Well, it was empty. Oh, it was furnished fine, and she'd got some new clothes and the rest. It lacked a lot of personal touches, and only time would fix that. But it felt empty. No real warmth or homeyness to it. It was an unfamiliar place she went to to sleep and change clothes, and that was about it. It was too quiet.
And too much quiet gave her time and space to think.
After driving herself half-mad thinking about everything, her current situation, her life, she got up and re-dressed. If she couldn't sleep she wasn't going to lie here and spend the night depressing herself. She was going back to work.
She walked into the hub and over to her desk, assuming no one else would be about, and switched on her computer.
Jack had gotten everyone to go home. Ianto had been the last - he hadn't left until after Jack had eaten. That left Jack alone with the pterodactyl and the weevils. He took the time to wander through the base, starting at the basement and working his way up and in toward the hub methodically. Making sure everything was where it was supposed to be and nothing was out of place. He was, if was honest, also making sure no one was hiding anything that could wipe out life on earth, their partner, or both down there.
He knew someone was in the hub before he walked in. He walked lightly and almost silently, because he fully expected it to be Ianto. It wasn't. It very much wasn't. "You should be asleep."
Rose looked up in surprise, lips quirking. "So should you."
He smiled, with his hands in his pockets, and leaned his shoulder against the door frame. "Nah."
"Couldn't sleep," she told him, shrugging and looking back to her computer screen. "Figured I might as well do something useful."
"Why couldn't you sleep?" He asked, warm and curious but quiet - laid back and low key.
She smiled a bit, but there was no happiness to it. "Just couldn't."
"When you couldn't sleep back home, what did you do?"
"There was always more work needed doing," she shrugged. Truth be told she couldn't really remember beyond the few times she'd come into work, like this. Except then she'd been alone. What else did she used to do when she couldn't sleep? Actually that question just brought memories of the TARDIS, which she shoved away harshly. She'd thought about that enough already tonight.
Jack lifted and dropped one shoulder, without taking his hands out of his pockets or moving. If she wanted to work there wasn't much he could do except kick her out again and there wasn't much point in that since she wasn't going home to anyone - yet. "What time is it?"
She glanced down to the clock on her screen. "Coming up on one." There was a pause, then she looked back at him. "How come you're still here?"
Exact middle of the night. It figured. "I live here."
She took that in her stride. "OK, how come you're still up?"
He crossed one ankle over the other without leaving his spot against the door and tilted his head and smiled warmly. "I don't sleep."
"Of course you sleep," she frowned. "I remember. You liked sleep. Well, you like being in bed, or so you said." She was well aware he'd been teasing when he'd said that.
"I still spend plenty of time in bed," he reassured her with a quick grin. "Sometimes even alone - and once in a while it's actually for rest not recreation."
Rose rolled her eyes, laughing slightly. The relaxed air she was trying for had a few cracks in it, but her friendship with Jack was important to her. She was giving it the effort she thought it deserved and trying to keep things from getting too... Something. She wouldn't dwell on any of the things she didn't want to think about and they'd be fine.
He was too perceptive by half and even not having seen Rose in ages and ages (well, for him) he was capable of seeing the cracks. "Rose." Gentle and soft, but there was still something...firm there.
Something she picked up on and God, but she didn't want this conversation. "Jack?" she asked, deliberately light.
He grinned - kind of the way he grinned at Tosh when he realized something was going on with her around that whole Mary fiasco. Completely insincere. "Stop it."
Rose frowned and wrinkled her nose, slumping down in her seat. "I'm OK, Jack," she said tiredly. "I'm just. Keeping busy. That's all."
"You know what I hate?" He asked, finally pushing away from the wall and walking a little. He went to sit on Owen's desk - not at, on. Owen would love that. He pushed his finger through the paper work. "Being patronized. It just sucks all over the place and it is so much worse when people try to use my own shtick to do it."
That got a laugh out of her, though it still sounded tired. "What would you prefer I say?"
"I'd prefer you either tell me the truth or not tell me anything."
She nodded, thought about it, and spoke softly. "It's too quiet at home."
"I can understand that." He smiled, this time it was faint but sincere. "But coming back to work probably isn't the best way to make sure you've got things that are worth going home to."
She shook her head. "It's not that. There's too much space to... Think."
"And you think you're going to find things to fill that space here?"
"No, I think I'm going to distract myself enough so I forget that my entire family's in another universe and the man I left them for once might never come back in my lifetime," her voice cracked slightly at the end, but another breath and she was steady again and she managed not to run off at the mouth, letting that sit there while she avoided Jack's eyes.
"I am more sorry about your family than I can say." He was warm, and he was sincere, but what he didn't say was sincere too.
"I'm OK." It was a lie, but at the same time she' d thought a lot about what she'd have done if she had been separated from them, and she could cope with it. She missed them even more than she'd thought she would, but she could cope with it. "You're the only person here left that I know," she smiled faintly, finding that ironic in ways she couldn't really articulate. Like she really knew him. It'd been 150 years for him, it was clear he'd changed. She found she didn't care about him any less though, and that hurt a little bit in ways she couldn't put her finger on.
He smiled, and shook his head. "There are people I introduce you to, for you to talk to about the Doctor, if that's what you want. I'm sorry I'm not very good at it." He really was. He was also sorry that he couldn't quite make himself be who he had been and maintain it. It was a very up close and undeniable demonstration of how much he'd changed and been changed and that hurt.
She shook her head quickly. "There's one person I could talk to here if I wanted. Besides you I mean. I don't know her well, and I just. I'm not ready. Maybe when I finally get it through my head it's over I will be." She swallowed the tremble out of her voice. God, how old was she, twelve? "It's just. I still need to hope."
"There's actually more than one person. There's someone at another Torchwood, but I'll leave it alone until you decide it's something you want to do." He sighed, but left it at that. There wasn't much he could do about it. There wasn't even much he could feel about it, except frustrated.
"No, I couldn't talk to a stranger. Sarah Jane, she." Rose shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jack," she said softly. It might seem like a jump, but it followed her thoughts. "For what I did, but especially for leaving you behind."
"I know who Sarah-Jane is," He answered with a nod. He did, too. "I don't need an apology from you, Rose. You weren't yourself, and when you were there's no way you could have know that I wasn't dead." There was some slight emphasis on you.
"That doesn't stop me being sorry. Wishing I could go back and change it." If she noticed the emphasis, she ignored it. The Doctor wasn't perfect, she knew that, but she wasn't about to lay blame at his door either. She was sure he hadn't known.
Jack hadn't been originally, but at this point there was very little doubt in his mind that if the Doctor hadn't known at the time he'd have found out god damned fast afterward and had still made no effort to find him and find out what was happening. "Well, you can't. Fortunately you can't cross your own time stream, and neither can I."
"I know that," she snapped, immediately calming herself. "Look, never mind." He wasn't getting it. Or he was getting it and not reacting in the way she needed him to. Desperately wanted him to. She was no valiant child anymore, just a lost one. She wasn't sure she even knew what she wanted. She looked vaguely back at her computer, but couldn't even sum up the will to do that.
"What do you want from me?" He asked, mild and curious, looking up from his haphazard investigation of Owen's desk, "Sympathy, compassion, reassurance that he's going to come back, permission to miss him, or for me to tell you that he loved you more than anything in the world and of course he's going to come back for you?"
She started to laugh but stopped when she choked on it. "I don't know. You expect a lot," she murmured.
"I expect you to tell me what lie you want me to feed you, because you're not ready for the truth." Jack was. A lot blunter than he used to be.
She thought about it for a moment, brushed her hand quickly over her eyes and pushed her chair back from her desk, turning it to face him and sitting forward a bit, folding her arms on her knees. It took a lot to keep her voice level. "You push too hard, Jack. You want me to just get over losing everything I wanted, and then just when I'd settled, losing everything I had left. I thought I at least had you, but sometimes..." She hesitated, but forced herself to continue. He wanted to know? Fine. "I barely even recognize you. And every time I realize that I know it's my fault, whatever you want to say. Everything's changed so much so fast and the last thing I want to do is find someone to 'fill my apartment', like you seem to want me to so much. I don't expect lies, but I did expect a friend." She leaned over to turn her computer off and stood up, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair. "It's not your fault. 150 years is a long time. You probably barely even remember me and I'm trying to treat you like a best friend. I'm sorry."
"Get over yourself, Rose," He said in a tone that was more old Jack than it was someone the team would recognize, if only for the sheer bitchiness of it. "I haven't said you should get over the Doctor, or losing everything you ever wanted. I haven't even told you to look at his file and see how many companions, broken hearts, and dead bodies stretch out behind him, through history. I haven't done a thing to you except suggest that you weren't going to adjust if coming into work was your idea of filling empty spaces and maybe you should work on making some friends because you're right. It's been more than a *century* for me, and all I want, Rose, all I want, is to find him so he can fix this and I can die."
She wasn't touching the companions thing. She knew there'd been others, and she knew there was a lot about the Doctor she didn't know. It'd been years since she'd got used to that idea and she wasn't going to hold it against him now. Her smile was tight, and sad, and not anything a smile should be. "I figured that out on my own. You fill your empty spaces in your way, I fill them in mine. And you know what? I'm not the one living where I work, so you can stop being such a bloody hypocrite about the whole thing. I came in once, and you were already here."
"It isn't being a hypocrite to not want to see you turn into me," he said flatly. "I've done my living, and my loving, and my hurting and bleeding and dying and holding and fighting and fucking and dying - I've done them dozens of times over and there's just not that much left of me. I'm waiting around to die. You're still waiting around to live."
"There's a lot more than your immortality that's tired you out, Jack, and I've been through most of it. God, you don't get it do you? Yeah, some of it's about the Doctor and I still miss him a lot, but there's a lot more than that." Tears started falling and she wiped them away angrily, still trying to keep her voice level. "It hasn't been that long. I'm grieving, all right? I can't just shove everything aside and pretend it doesn't matter like you can. I still care and I still feel, even if you don't." She'd moved past the rational part of this argument, and she knew that last bit was just lashing out on her part, but she couldn't take it back now.
"You've been through most of what, Rose?" He asked, honestly curious, because he really didn't have a clue what she was talking about. "And no, I know nothing about grief and never have. And absolutely what I'm suggesting is that you cut off all emotion and feel nothing. That's exactly what I meant when I said you were still waiting on living and you needed more in your life than a memory. "
Being left behind. Being Torchwood's beck-and-call girl. Being somewhere she doesn't know, completely on her own. All of that could tire you out. She didn't say anything. "How am I supposed to feel and not at the same time, Jack? Explain that to me because I'm confused."
"I didn't tell you not to feel," he bit out. He was clearly angry. He was also in tears, but that wasn't the point. He was well past trying to stop that particular response.
The sight of Jack in tears did things to her she didn't want to think about, and she looked away, the fight draining out of her. "I didn't come here Jack, because I'm trying to make work fill something in my life. I came because I needed a distraction tonight, I told you that. I came because one more minute sitting on my own staring at a strange ceiling was going to drive me mad, and the only other place to look is the stars and that's worse. I'm down here, so I can't stare at the stars and think about how much I want it all back, or stare at the ceiling and miss my Dad's house or hell, even the old flat." She laughed humorlessly. "Besides, where else am I gonna go at one in the morning in Cardiff?"
He had to laugh. "No where good, that's for sure." He shook his head with a faint grimace. "The night life here is primarily composed of mutant sewer aliens, though I suppose that's better than turtles."
She laughed with him, tired and sad but it was a laugh of sorts, and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jack."
"You still don't have anything to apologize for, Rose."
"For what I said. You didn't deserve that."
He shook his head a little. "I'm not trying to open a can of worms, here, but which part of it do you think I didn't deserve?"
"The stuff about you not feeling," she said quietly. "I know that's not true."
He smiled, just a little. "It's okay, so do I."
Rose returned the faint smile and hugged her jacket to herself. "I should go. Leave you alone and let you.... Whatever you were doing before I got here."
He shook his head. "I wasn't doing anything, Rose." He laughed. "Unless talking to Janet and Myfanwy counts. Come on, I'll give you a drink and walk you home - or we can just take a walk if you still don't feel like sleeping. It's still a while before Ianto's due to show up and mother me."
She gave him an almost nervous smile, and nodded slightly. "all right. Thank you."
He tilted his head toward his office as he pushed off the desk and to his feet, and led the way to his office. "So how are you getting on with everyone?" Argument or no, he didn't much want to let her go now that she was here.
"Not bad. It's strange trying to adjust to feeling friendly towards people who don't know you, but I think Tosh and I are getting on all right. Ianto's sweet," she smiled, "They haven't changed much. Owen's Owen, but we manage." That was light, and a conscious push from Rose to try and be normal. "Gwen's..." Kind of high strung, not that she could talk. "Nice."
Jack got out the glasses and poured Rose a drink and after a brief hesitation poured one for himself. He *really* rarely drank, but somehow he needed it tonight. "It's got to be weird," he agreed. "Ianto's very, very sweet," He grinned briefly and handed her his glass. "High strung, hm?" He was so not arguing.
Jack got out the glasses and poured Rose a drink and after a brief hesitation poured one for himself. He *really* rarely drank, but somehow he needed it tonight. "It's got to be weird," he agreed. "Ianto's very, very sweet," He grinned briefly and handed her his glass. "Nice, hm?"
She took the drink, and eyed him with a smile. Small, but real. "I bet. And Gwen... I'm still getting to know her." Despite the fact she'd talked to Rose more than Ianto and Owen. Possibly combined.
He laughed at the smile. "You're allowed to dislike them, Rose," he said with a grin that was just a little suggestive that he knew Gwen and Rose weren't exactly a match made in heaven.
"She's... Something." Rose wrinkled her nose. "She's OK." Personally Rose didn't think much of her judgementmental attitude at times, or her pushiness. She had to admit part of it was probably one stubborn person meeting another, but partly she just didn't like her much. She could work with her, but they weren't likely to be close.
Jack wasn't that far off in his assumption - it had less to do with the stubborn factor and more to do with the pushy and just basic personality and outlook differences. "Good enough." He tipped his drink back. "Finish that and let's go. I could use that walk."
She knocked her drink back, enjoying the brief burn, and nodded. "Me too." She put the empty glass aside and reached for his hand.
He left both glasses on his desk but put the bottle away again. He took her hand and as they left he grabbed both their jackets.
When they got outside she put her jacket on, and took his hand again, walking close to him and looking up at the sky. Unsurprisingly for Wales, it was cloudy and the stars were covered. "What have you done with yourself?" she murmured. "Since Satellite Five?"
He only let go of her hand long enough for them both to get into their coats. "There's. That's a big question," he admitted, but there was a grin there. "How much detail do you want, and how much time do you have?"
She grinned back. "Whatever you're comfortable with. And if I start falling asleep part way through you can tell me the rest next time." A slight amount of teasing there. Being light about how long he'd lived cost her a bit, but it was necessary and would get easier.
He slipped both their hands into the deep pocket of the wool greatcoat. It really was a warm coat, and it really was a bit of a security blanket. "I woke up on the station just in time to see the TARDIS leave - I just barely missed. I got enough scraped together to throw myself back into earth's history but my my calculations and equipment weren't that great. I hit in 1854. The rest is history, really. I fought in a couple of wars, fell in love a dozen times." He smiled, not without sadness, but it wasn't without fondness. "I came to Cardiff in 1952 - the rift was here, tech was here. Since then I've had 10 staff changes and been doing the best I can."
She leaned into him a bit, resting her head against his shoulder as they walked. "Tell me about a time you were happy?" she asked after a moment.
"You know that's going to turn into me talking about my love life, right?"
She laughed. "Try and at least keep it to a 15 rating." There was teasing, but genuine warmth there.
"I was mostly kidding - mostly." His smile was warm and fond. "War. Always World War II. I met Estelle there. She was all of 17 but God she was beautiful. "
Rose looked up, smiling. "What was she like?"
There was a flash of a grin that showed his teeth and his dimples. "Full of magic and life. She had more faith in the beauty in the world than anyone I'd ever seen before."
She answered the grin with a fond one of her own. "Bet she was more than a match for you."
"She was. She really, really, was."
"She sounds wonderful," Rose said honestly. She was under no illusions that it had been long term, even if Jack had loved Estelle he didn't do that, he'd said so. But she was glad he'd had someone.
He left it there, not telling Rose that she'd died last week thinking Jack was his own son. She wanted happy memories. He kept walking, quietly just holding her hand and watching the city sleeping.
She wanted happy memories for both of them. She figured they could use it. Her head rested back on Jack's shoulder as she walked quietly beside him, letting his presence and the night-time calm of the city soothe her.
When: Midnight-ish, 6 days after Rose's arrival
Where: The Hub
What: Insomnia leads to a late night argument and then late night bonding.
Rose couldn't sleep. She'd finished her work for the day, and gone back to her new apartment to find... Well, it was empty. Oh, it was furnished fine, and she'd got some new clothes and the rest. It lacked a lot of personal touches, and only time would fix that. But it felt empty. No real warmth or homeyness to it. It was an unfamiliar place she went to to sleep and change clothes, and that was about it. It was too quiet.
And too much quiet gave her time and space to think.
After driving herself half-mad thinking about everything, her current situation, her life, she got up and re-dressed. If she couldn't sleep she wasn't going to lie here and spend the night depressing herself. She was going back to work.
She walked into the hub and over to her desk, assuming no one else would be about, and switched on her computer.
Jack had gotten everyone to go home. Ianto had been the last - he hadn't left until after Jack had eaten. That left Jack alone with the pterodactyl and the weevils. He took the time to wander through the base, starting at the basement and working his way up and in toward the hub methodically. Making sure everything was where it was supposed to be and nothing was out of place. He was, if was honest, also making sure no one was hiding anything that could wipe out life on earth, their partner, or both down there.
He knew someone was in the hub before he walked in. He walked lightly and almost silently, because he fully expected it to be Ianto. It wasn't. It very much wasn't. "You should be asleep."
Rose looked up in surprise, lips quirking. "So should you."
He smiled, with his hands in his pockets, and leaned his shoulder against the door frame. "Nah."
"Couldn't sleep," she told him, shrugging and looking back to her computer screen. "Figured I might as well do something useful."
"Why couldn't you sleep?" He asked, warm and curious but quiet - laid back and low key.
She smiled a bit, but there was no happiness to it. "Just couldn't."
"When you couldn't sleep back home, what did you do?"
"There was always more work needed doing," she shrugged. Truth be told she couldn't really remember beyond the few times she'd come into work, like this. Except then she'd been alone. What else did she used to do when she couldn't sleep? Actually that question just brought memories of the TARDIS, which she shoved away harshly. She'd thought about that enough already tonight.
Jack lifted and dropped one shoulder, without taking his hands out of his pockets or moving. If she wanted to work there wasn't much he could do except kick her out again and there wasn't much point in that since she wasn't going home to anyone - yet. "What time is it?"
She glanced down to the clock on her screen. "Coming up on one." There was a pause, then she looked back at him. "How come you're still here?"
Exact middle of the night. It figured. "I live here."
She took that in her stride. "OK, how come you're still up?"
He crossed one ankle over the other without leaving his spot against the door and tilted his head and smiled warmly. "I don't sleep."
"Of course you sleep," she frowned. "I remember. You liked sleep. Well, you like being in bed, or so you said." She was well aware he'd been teasing when he'd said that.
"I still spend plenty of time in bed," he reassured her with a quick grin. "Sometimes even alone - and once in a while it's actually for rest not recreation."
Rose rolled her eyes, laughing slightly. The relaxed air she was trying for had a few cracks in it, but her friendship with Jack was important to her. She was giving it the effort she thought it deserved and trying to keep things from getting too... Something. She wouldn't dwell on any of the things she didn't want to think about and they'd be fine.
He was too perceptive by half and even not having seen Rose in ages and ages (well, for him) he was capable of seeing the cracks. "Rose." Gentle and soft, but there was still something...firm there.
Something she picked up on and God, but she didn't want this conversation. "Jack?" she asked, deliberately light.
He grinned - kind of the way he grinned at Tosh when he realized something was going on with her around that whole Mary fiasco. Completely insincere. "Stop it."
Rose frowned and wrinkled her nose, slumping down in her seat. "I'm OK, Jack," she said tiredly. "I'm just. Keeping busy. That's all."
"You know what I hate?" He asked, finally pushing away from the wall and walking a little. He went to sit on Owen's desk - not at, on. Owen would love that. He pushed his finger through the paper work. "Being patronized. It just sucks all over the place and it is so much worse when people try to use my own shtick to do it."
That got a laugh out of her, though it still sounded tired. "What would you prefer I say?"
"I'd prefer you either tell me the truth or not tell me anything."
She nodded, thought about it, and spoke softly. "It's too quiet at home."
"I can understand that." He smiled, this time it was faint but sincere. "But coming back to work probably isn't the best way to make sure you've got things that are worth going home to."
She shook her head. "It's not that. There's too much space to... Think."
"And you think you're going to find things to fill that space here?"
"No, I think I'm going to distract myself enough so I forget that my entire family's in another universe and the man I left them for once might never come back in my lifetime," her voice cracked slightly at the end, but another breath and she was steady again and she managed not to run off at the mouth, letting that sit there while she avoided Jack's eyes.
"I am more sorry about your family than I can say." He was warm, and he was sincere, but what he didn't say was sincere too.
"I'm OK." It was a lie, but at the same time she' d thought a lot about what she'd have done if she had been separated from them, and she could cope with it. She missed them even more than she'd thought she would, but she could cope with it. "You're the only person here left that I know," she smiled faintly, finding that ironic in ways she couldn't really articulate. Like she really knew him. It'd been 150 years for him, it was clear he'd changed. She found she didn't care about him any less though, and that hurt a little bit in ways she couldn't put her finger on.
He smiled, and shook his head. "There are people I introduce you to, for you to talk to about the Doctor, if that's what you want. I'm sorry I'm not very good at it." He really was. He was also sorry that he couldn't quite make himself be who he had been and maintain it. It was a very up close and undeniable demonstration of how much he'd changed and been changed and that hurt.
She shook her head quickly. "There's one person I could talk to here if I wanted. Besides you I mean. I don't know her well, and I just. I'm not ready. Maybe when I finally get it through my head it's over I will be." She swallowed the tremble out of her voice. God, how old was she, twelve? "It's just. I still need to hope."
"There's actually more than one person. There's someone at another Torchwood, but I'll leave it alone until you decide it's something you want to do." He sighed, but left it at that. There wasn't much he could do about it. There wasn't even much he could feel about it, except frustrated.
"No, I couldn't talk to a stranger. Sarah Jane, she." Rose shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jack," she said softly. It might seem like a jump, but it followed her thoughts. "For what I did, but especially for leaving you behind."
"I know who Sarah-Jane is," He answered with a nod. He did, too. "I don't need an apology from you, Rose. You weren't yourself, and when you were there's no way you could have know that I wasn't dead." There was some slight emphasis on you.
"That doesn't stop me being sorry. Wishing I could go back and change it." If she noticed the emphasis, she ignored it. The Doctor wasn't perfect, she knew that, but she wasn't about to lay blame at his door either. She was sure he hadn't known.
Jack hadn't been originally, but at this point there was very little doubt in his mind that if the Doctor hadn't known at the time he'd have found out god damned fast afterward and had still made no effort to find him and find out what was happening. "Well, you can't. Fortunately you can't cross your own time stream, and neither can I."
"I know that," she snapped, immediately calming herself. "Look, never mind." He wasn't getting it. Or he was getting it and not reacting in the way she needed him to. Desperately wanted him to. She was no valiant child anymore, just a lost one. She wasn't sure she even knew what she wanted. She looked vaguely back at her computer, but couldn't even sum up the will to do that.
"What do you want from me?" He asked, mild and curious, looking up from his haphazard investigation of Owen's desk, "Sympathy, compassion, reassurance that he's going to come back, permission to miss him, or for me to tell you that he loved you more than anything in the world and of course he's going to come back for you?"
She started to laugh but stopped when she choked on it. "I don't know. You expect a lot," she murmured.
"I expect you to tell me what lie you want me to feed you, because you're not ready for the truth." Jack was. A lot blunter than he used to be.
She thought about it for a moment, brushed her hand quickly over her eyes and pushed her chair back from her desk, turning it to face him and sitting forward a bit, folding her arms on her knees. It took a lot to keep her voice level. "You push too hard, Jack. You want me to just get over losing everything I wanted, and then just when I'd settled, losing everything I had left. I thought I at least had you, but sometimes..." She hesitated, but forced herself to continue. He wanted to know? Fine. "I barely even recognize you. And every time I realize that I know it's my fault, whatever you want to say. Everything's changed so much so fast and the last thing I want to do is find someone to 'fill my apartment', like you seem to want me to so much. I don't expect lies, but I did expect a friend." She leaned over to turn her computer off and stood up, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair. "It's not your fault. 150 years is a long time. You probably barely even remember me and I'm trying to treat you like a best friend. I'm sorry."
"Get over yourself, Rose," He said in a tone that was more old Jack than it was someone the team would recognize, if only for the sheer bitchiness of it. "I haven't said you should get over the Doctor, or losing everything you ever wanted. I haven't even told you to look at his file and see how many companions, broken hearts, and dead bodies stretch out behind him, through history. I haven't done a thing to you except suggest that you weren't going to adjust if coming into work was your idea of filling empty spaces and maybe you should work on making some friends because you're right. It's been more than a *century* for me, and all I want, Rose, all I want, is to find him so he can fix this and I can die."
She wasn't touching the companions thing. She knew there'd been others, and she knew there was a lot about the Doctor she didn't know. It'd been years since she'd got used to that idea and she wasn't going to hold it against him now. Her smile was tight, and sad, and not anything a smile should be. "I figured that out on my own. You fill your empty spaces in your way, I fill them in mine. And you know what? I'm not the one living where I work, so you can stop being such a bloody hypocrite about the whole thing. I came in once, and you were already here."
"It isn't being a hypocrite to not want to see you turn into me," he said flatly. "I've done my living, and my loving, and my hurting and bleeding and dying and holding and fighting and fucking and dying - I've done them dozens of times over and there's just not that much left of me. I'm waiting around to die. You're still waiting around to live."
"There's a lot more than your immortality that's tired you out, Jack, and I've been through most of it. God, you don't get it do you? Yeah, some of it's about the Doctor and I still miss him a lot, but there's a lot more than that." Tears started falling and she wiped them away angrily, still trying to keep her voice level. "It hasn't been that long. I'm grieving, all right? I can't just shove everything aside and pretend it doesn't matter like you can. I still care and I still feel, even if you don't." She'd moved past the rational part of this argument, and she knew that last bit was just lashing out on her part, but she couldn't take it back now.
"You've been through most of what, Rose?" He asked, honestly curious, because he really didn't have a clue what she was talking about. "And no, I know nothing about grief and never have. And absolutely what I'm suggesting is that you cut off all emotion and feel nothing. That's exactly what I meant when I said you were still waiting on living and you needed more in your life than a memory. "
Being left behind. Being Torchwood's beck-and-call girl. Being somewhere she doesn't know, completely on her own. All of that could tire you out. She didn't say anything. "How am I supposed to feel and not at the same time, Jack? Explain that to me because I'm confused."
"I didn't tell you not to feel," he bit out. He was clearly angry. He was also in tears, but that wasn't the point. He was well past trying to stop that particular response.
The sight of Jack in tears did things to her she didn't want to think about, and she looked away, the fight draining out of her. "I didn't come here Jack, because I'm trying to make work fill something in my life. I came because I needed a distraction tonight, I told you that. I came because one more minute sitting on my own staring at a strange ceiling was going to drive me mad, and the only other place to look is the stars and that's worse. I'm down here, so I can't stare at the stars and think about how much I want it all back, or stare at the ceiling and miss my Dad's house or hell, even the old flat." She laughed humorlessly. "Besides, where else am I gonna go at one in the morning in Cardiff?"
He had to laugh. "No where good, that's for sure." He shook his head with a faint grimace. "The night life here is primarily composed of mutant sewer aliens, though I suppose that's better than turtles."
She laughed with him, tired and sad but it was a laugh of sorts, and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Jack."
"You still don't have anything to apologize for, Rose."
"For what I said. You didn't deserve that."
He shook his head a little. "I'm not trying to open a can of worms, here, but which part of it do you think I didn't deserve?"
"The stuff about you not feeling," she said quietly. "I know that's not true."
He smiled, just a little. "It's okay, so do I."
Rose returned the faint smile and hugged her jacket to herself. "I should go. Leave you alone and let you.... Whatever you were doing before I got here."
He shook his head. "I wasn't doing anything, Rose." He laughed. "Unless talking to Janet and Myfanwy counts. Come on, I'll give you a drink and walk you home - or we can just take a walk if you still don't feel like sleeping. It's still a while before Ianto's due to show up and mother me."
She gave him an almost nervous smile, and nodded slightly. "all right. Thank you."
He tilted his head toward his office as he pushed off the desk and to his feet, and led the way to his office. "So how are you getting on with everyone?" Argument or no, he didn't much want to let her go now that she was here.
"Not bad. It's strange trying to adjust to feeling friendly towards people who don't know you, but I think Tosh and I are getting on all right. Ianto's sweet," she smiled, "They haven't changed much. Owen's Owen, but we manage." That was light, and a conscious push from Rose to try and be normal. "Gwen's..." Kind of high strung, not that she could talk. "Nice."
Jack got out the glasses and poured Rose a drink and after a brief hesitation poured one for himself. He *really* rarely drank, but somehow he needed it tonight. "It's got to be weird," he agreed. "Ianto's very, very sweet," He grinned briefly and handed her his glass. "High strung, hm?" He was so not arguing.
Jack got out the glasses and poured Rose a drink and after a brief hesitation poured one for himself. He *really* rarely drank, but somehow he needed it tonight. "It's got to be weird," he agreed. "Ianto's very, very sweet," He grinned briefly and handed her his glass. "Nice, hm?"
She took the drink, and eyed him with a smile. Small, but real. "I bet. And Gwen... I'm still getting to know her." Despite the fact she'd talked to Rose more than Ianto and Owen. Possibly combined.
He laughed at the smile. "You're allowed to dislike them, Rose," he said with a grin that was just a little suggestive that he knew Gwen and Rose weren't exactly a match made in heaven.
"She's... Something." Rose wrinkled her nose. "She's OK." Personally Rose didn't think much of her judgementmental attitude at times, or her pushiness. She had to admit part of it was probably one stubborn person meeting another, but partly she just didn't like her much. She could work with her, but they weren't likely to be close.
Jack wasn't that far off in his assumption - it had less to do with the stubborn factor and more to do with the pushy and just basic personality and outlook differences. "Good enough." He tipped his drink back. "Finish that and let's go. I could use that walk."
She knocked her drink back, enjoying the brief burn, and nodded. "Me too." She put the empty glass aside and reached for his hand.
He left both glasses on his desk but put the bottle away again. He took her hand and as they left he grabbed both their jackets.
When they got outside she put her jacket on, and took his hand again, walking close to him and looking up at the sky. Unsurprisingly for Wales, it was cloudy and the stars were covered. "What have you done with yourself?" she murmured. "Since Satellite Five?"
He only let go of her hand long enough for them both to get into their coats. "There's. That's a big question," he admitted, but there was a grin there. "How much detail do you want, and how much time do you have?"
She grinned back. "Whatever you're comfortable with. And if I start falling asleep part way through you can tell me the rest next time." A slight amount of teasing there. Being light about how long he'd lived cost her a bit, but it was necessary and would get easier.
He slipped both their hands into the deep pocket of the wool greatcoat. It really was a warm coat, and it really was a bit of a security blanket. "I woke up on the station just in time to see the TARDIS leave - I just barely missed. I got enough scraped together to throw myself back into earth's history but my my calculations and equipment weren't that great. I hit in 1854. The rest is history, really. I fought in a couple of wars, fell in love a dozen times." He smiled, not without sadness, but it wasn't without fondness. "I came to Cardiff in 1952 - the rift was here, tech was here. Since then I've had 10 staff changes and been doing the best I can."
She leaned into him a bit, resting her head against his shoulder as they walked. "Tell me about a time you were happy?" she asked after a moment.
"You know that's going to turn into me talking about my love life, right?"
She laughed. "Try and at least keep it to a 15 rating." There was teasing, but genuine warmth there.
"I was mostly kidding - mostly." His smile was warm and fond. "War. Always World War II. I met Estelle there. She was all of 17 but God she was beautiful. "
Rose looked up, smiling. "What was she like?"
There was a flash of a grin that showed his teeth and his dimples. "Full of magic and life. She had more faith in the beauty in the world than anyone I'd ever seen before."
She answered the grin with a fond one of her own. "Bet she was more than a match for you."
"She was. She really, really, was."
"She sounds wonderful," Rose said honestly. She was under no illusions that it had been long term, even if Jack had loved Estelle he didn't do that, he'd said so. But she was glad he'd had someone.
He left it there, not telling Rose that she'd died last week thinking Jack was his own son. She wanted happy memories. He kept walking, quietly just holding her hand and watching the city sleeping.
She wanted happy memories for both of them. She figured they could use it. Her head rested back on Jack's shoulder as she walked quietly beside him, letting his presence and the night-time calm of the city soothe her.