Dare#28: Fandom/Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 1
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single male sim in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
And a drum kit.
And a vacation home.
And a painting costing at least $4,000.
And a more expensive table.
And another painting, but this one costing at least $5,000.
And a butler (preferably not one who hates cleaning and whines when his programming forces him to do something job-related like, I don't know, cleaning).
And a helicopter. Whee!
CHAPTER I.
In which Mrs. Bennet hears some news and discusses the news with her family and dear friends.
Mr. & Mrs. Bennet had five daughters. And ever since Mr. Bennet removed half his wife's brain for one of his 'experiments', the only thing Mrs. Bennet thought about (apart from what thrilling conversationalists her plants had become) was getting her daughters married.
So it was a happy moment indeed when her sister showed up at the Bennet residence with news...
"Oh, sister!" cried Mrs. Phillips. "Did you hear, did you hear the news about the rich young man who moved here from the North?! His name is Bingley and he's moving into Netherworld Park on Saturday! And best of all -- he's SINGLE!"
"Oh, sister! What a fine thing for my girls! Mmm. It's too bad there's only one...unless Mr. Bennet can clone him! Oh, sister! I must go and share the news!"
"--as single as he is handsome, aaand he earns something like, I don't know, around 2000 simoleons a day! Can you believe it, Lizzy? Jane? Oh, oh, oh I must go and tell your sisters."
"--over three -- no, four thousand simoleons a day! Can you imagine someone so rich? Mary? Mary, are you listening? Oh, nevermind, I have to tell Kitty and Lydia!"
"--and he used to be a nude model, and he has over twenty gold badges, and he earns over FIVE THOUSAND simoleons a day! This is the most exciting thing to happen since -- since Mr. Cactus was abducted by space aliens! Oh, but I must tell your father! He'll want to meet this Mr. Bingley right away!"
"--and his name is Bingley and, did I tell you already how rich he is, I'm sure I did, but oh, Mr. Bennet, you must call him up and offer to take him into town on an outing!"
"Mrs. Bennet, can't you see I'm busy?"
"Yes, but think of what a great thing this would be for our girls!"
"What? How would my going on a date with another man be a good thing for our girls?"
"After you meet Mr. Bingley you can introduce him to our daughters. And then he'll marry one of them!"
"Dammit, Mrs. B, why don't you call up the matchmaker if you're so doggone set on getting them married."
"Oh, Mr. Bennet, you know we don't have the money."
"Then sell some of your damn plants."
"I could never sell them! If I did I'd have no one to talk to you except for you and I know how much--"
"You're right; don't sell them."
"Hmmph. So will you call up Mr. Bingley or not?"
"Dammit woman, I'm not going on a date with this Mr. Bingley. I've got splines to reticulate!"
But Mrs. Bennet could not get Bingley off her mind.
"Dear Mr. Cactus. You would call up Mr. Bingley if I asked, wouldn't you? Yes, well, it's too bad you don't have thumbs then...Why? Because Mr. Bennet won't call him. You remember those awful names I called him yesterday. No not Mr. Bingley, Mr. Bennet...No those awful names I called my husband...no, he won't call Mr. Bingley so I called Mr. Bennet some--Oh, nevermind. You really should get your ears checked...What? You don't have ears? Then what am I talking to you for?"
"Oh, Mr. Bonsai, sometimes I think I have no control over my life. Like someone I can't see or hear or comprehend is ordering me around. Isn't that silly? And paranoid! Ha! If only I had the ability to pick up that phone and call Mr. Bingley myself. But alas, I cannot..."
The days passed and still Mr. Bennet refused to call on the new neighbor.
"You know what I heard, Mr. Ficus? Sir William Lucas has already met the new neighbor which means poor Mr. Bingley will soon be introduced to those horrid nasty Lucas girls and marry one of them because he thinks they're the best this town has to offer! And all because their father went and made acquaintances with Mr. Bingley. What a good father he is! Unlike some people I know...What did you say, Mr. Ficus?! No, those Lucas girls most definitely are horrid nasty creatures!...How dare you take their side over me!...Oh, that's IT! No more water for you! Let's see if your attitude improves after a couple days of leaf-drying thirst you overgrown chlorophyll junkie!"
But the subject of Mr. Bingley wasn't confined merely to the discourses between the mother and her friends.
"Guess WHAT?" said Lydia one morning at breakfast. "Mariah Lucas saw Mr. Bingley in town yesterday and she said he was like, really handsome and, and he's going to the party on Saturday night with like, twenty-seven girls and four guys or something and they're all rich but not like, as rich as Mr. Bingley. So can we go to this party?"
"Yeah, I want to go to the party, too!" said Kitty. "I want to see Mr. Bingley. Can we go? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplea--"
"Girls, SHUT UP! I don't want to hear anymore about Mr. Bingley! The rules of our neighborhood say we can't meet him until your father does and since that's never going to happen I don't want to hear anymore about it! I'm SICK of Mr. Bingley!"
"Oh?" said Mr. Bennet.
"Well I wish you had told me that before I called him."
"You called him?!" shrieked Mrs. Bennet. "So now we can introduce him to the girls! Oh, Mr. Bennet, I take back all the naughty things I said to Mr. Cactus about you! You're a good father after all. Maybe -- er, some of the time. But what did he say? Is he coming over?"
"Well...He said he might be able to. Later. But first he had to wait for the phone repairman."
"The phone repairman. Really, dear?"
"What? He said he'd try and be over afterwards. So...just wait a bit."
Later...
"Dammit it's almost midnight. I don't think he's coming, Mary."
"And I shaved my legs for him too. Gosh."
Will the girls go to the party??
Will Mr. Bingley bring twenty-seven girls and only four guys??
Will Mrs. Bennet make up with Mr. Ficus??
Find out the answers to these thrilling questions and more, next time on P&P&P!