(no subject)
Now that deadspeaker has finally graduated and has more time on her hands, because she can't procrastinate from studying anymore :) I found the following might keep her amused. Imagine your country which qualified for the world cup had some sort of mental breakdown. Each one is whisked away onto a psychiatrists couch and obviously has something to say. Could you work out from the following rather politically incorrect dialogues which country will be which? It helps if you've studied politics, international relations, sociology, cultural studies etc.. and have a very cruel mind.
Number 1 is England.
1. "Er, don't much like to talk about it actually. Had a bit of an empire once. Few wars. The odd cultural and social renaissance. Invented one or two sports, not that anyone seems to remember. Decaying post-colonial power, that sort of thing. Still, mustn't grumble, eh?"
2. "Everyone ignored me until Big Chris Columbus rocked up in 1498 and gave me props. Since then everyone wants a piece of me! They can't get enough, even going to the lengths of taking weeks off work to come and visit me! I don't need them, though - I've got gas and oil coming out of my ears."
3. "First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live with my Guaraní side . . . It took all the strength I had not to fall apart but then I nicked a little bit of my neighbour's backyard . . . Dictating men, they tried to hurt me with their lies. Did they think I'd crumble? Did they think I'd lay down and die?"
4. "For some reason people think I'm sex mad but it's a myth. I'm into melodies, progressive social policies, tennis, bargain interior design and the production of conservative vehicles. I'm friendly, well-adjusted and cautiously neutral, yet I have a dark side too, particularly when I become a daylight-plagued insomniac for half the year."
5. "I took several centuries to pull myself together and establish my own identity. When I was young I was influenced by totally the wrong sort of people. I got into a lot of fights and I did some terrible things. I've calmed down since but it's not always easy when people whistle The Great Escape at you all the time."
6. "I'm not being arrogant but I really am the centre of the entire world. I'm certainly more important than Peru and, if they don't like it, they'll get my fist in their face again. Here, did you know that one of my relatives is Christina Aguilera? She's second-generation Ecuadorean; I think that makes her my cousin or something. It is OK to have funny furtive feelings about your cousin, isn't it?"
7. "I'm not sure I really like anyone round here - they're a bit lowbrow and there's a bit too much fighting. And who needs an army? Why can't they just chill out? I'd much rather just share coffee, bananas and beef with the Europe boys. They liked me so much they called me Rich Coast. Why can't I live near them?"
8. "I've gone through 30 years of painful inner turmoil and, while things are only slowly getting better, a couple of weeks on holiday giving former oppressors a good shoeing should offer light relief."
9. "I've got no natural defences and for years I've felt like everybody wanted a part of me. I couldn't make them take no for an answer. Then there's my sense of place. I feel like I don't know where I am. One moment I'm leaning one way, the next I'm leaning the other. And you know I've never really felt totally accepted whichever way I've gone."
10. Everyone used to think I was really together but it was all a big act. I really loathed myself. When my father died it all started falling apart. It's almost as if I was at war with myself a lot of the time. Ultimately everyone leaves me and even today there are parts of myself I'm not totally comfortable with.
11. For years I prided myself on my reputation for peace and prosperity but recently things took a turn for the worse thanks to some bellicose squatters who tried to demolish all I have built. I evicted them but they still keep a foothold in a house they'd rather destroy than let us get on with our business.
12. Germany? We used to own this place you know. Which might explain my strange urge to dress up in jodhpurs and stride around the place building things out of gold. I must tell you about my cousin's uncle's brother: he works in the cement business but still loves his mama. All right then - I surrender.
13. I get these terrible mood swings: if my boss doesn't give me enough cash for cake I'll swing for him, I don't care if I take his bloody head off; other times I'll let my neighbour walk all over me. But that's because ultimately I'm a lover, not a fighter.
14. I once had it all, or at least everything the British hadn't got their grubby hands on. And I did well on it for years but it all went and I fell apart. After a long spell I don't like to talk about I've recovered and am a better citizen, though even now I feel bits of me want to go it alone. But check out how many visitors I have: I must be doing something right.
15. I struck lucky by making it big when I was pretty young in the oil industry and haven't looked back since. Some say I've got more money than I know what to do with.
16. I was an unusual kid. I didn't feel particularly close to anyone and grew up with my own habits that surprised a few people when they finally did get to know me. But then I was possessed by a foreign influence, and I've never been the same since. I think it's a bit late for an exorcism now.
17. I was forced into an arranged marriage but I finally managed to wangle a divorce, not without difficulties. Now I just want to relish my freedom, flex my muscles, live a little. I've got passion to burn but I can still be a bit impetuous. Watch out if you spill my pint.
18. I was isolated for a long time in my early years and developed quite a singular personality. Some might say I'm a little idiosyncratic. When I started to get around a little more it didn't always have entirely positive results. People know my work but don't really know me. Incidentally how far east do you have to go before you are in the west?
19. I'm cultured and quite devout but have long been troubled by envious looks from the neighbours. They used to come in here and try to take over but I have survived, shortened my name and now people are happy just to come and get munted on my munificent hospitality. Tell you what, though: I'd love a trip to the seaside.
20. it's not that I need to be loved by everyone but I can't bear all this suspicion. I've been around since Cyrus the Great you know, seen them all come and go. I should have been a major player by now; it's not my fault Kohmeini upset Jimmy Carter.
21. I've always been a bit of a wanderer, though I don't get out as much as I used to. In my younger days I wasn't always the most respectful of visitors, which is why a few people who put me up back in the day are still narked, but what can you do? I've said I'm sorry. Anyway, whatever I've done, I'm not as bad as them next door.
22. I've always liked to experiment. I was the first African to drop a military coup; it was a real buzz for a while but this Eyadéma bloke started really getting heavy on my ass. What a bummer. Now I'm detoxing and giving elections a go, though I still feel a bit groggy.
23. Just because we are only 15 years old, people think we aren't as important as that old Russia fellow. He may give us gas but that doesn't mean he's our superior: we bring chicken kievs to the party, remember. While I'm here, do you know when people are going to decide if I need a The in front of my name or not?
24. Life is so unfair: everybody thinks all we do is sit in coffee shops smoking and wander down red-light districts. Well, we export cheese as well. And those bloody Grolsch advertsh have made everyone think we're idiotsch. And I've never had my finger in a bloody dyke.
25. My working life? I'm successful and I know I'm really good but my next-door neighbour has always won more respect from the world than me. As for my love life, well there was this mad swivel-eyed bitch who put the knife in during the 1980s. I've still not forgiven her or her family for that, though I've paid them back once or twice, heh heh!
26. Occupation, civil war, the Japanese, those Americans with their amusing field hospitals. I never know if I'm coming or going. Loved the Olympics, though, those were the days. Anyway must dash - several million attractively-priced electronic exports to ship.
27. People see me as dry, old, cultured and sweet natured but, feel these muscles, I can be bad too. I used to be so popular tooled-up visitors would come here and fight each other. A brusque field marshal in a black beret did well round here in the 1940s and nowadays people prefer to come for sunny hospitality.
28. Sometimes I feel as though I'm walking around with a 'kick me' sign stuck to my back. I have to be hyper-vigilant like a neighbourhood watch volunteer with a Crimewatch fixation. I've been besieged by bullies and thieves, foreign and native, and I'd give anything for a quiet life.
29. Those buggers next door give me no respect. They gave me a good kicking a couple of hundred years ago, yet who do they come running to the minute they've robbed a bank and need to cross a border where the cops can't get at them? Eh?
30. Usually I punch first and ask questions later. Actually sometimes I don't bother with the questions bit, particularly where evildoers are concerned. People are suspicious of my strength and it can be a lonely lot, but I have one 'special' friend who always sticks by my side and tells me that I am a good person and gets very upset if I am too friendly with anyone else. I have a playful side but am at my best in games that no one else really understands.
31. We're pleasingly well-oof but like to keep ourselves to ourselves, thank you very much. In fact when them next door start warring they come here to leave their valuabkes. though we don't always go out of our way to find them or their relatives when it's all over. Some think we're boring. Why are your eyes shut?
32. When I was a kid I had it all. But I got friendly with the wrong people and now I find I'm losing all my natural gifts. I'm having to replace them with hard work but I have discipline issues.
The above were taken from http://football.guardian.co.uk/worldcup2006/ in case you get sucked into this and get desperate to work out the answers :)
Bonus points for identifying croatia which is incredibly evil :)
Number 1 is England.
1. "Er, don't much like to talk about it actually. Had a bit of an empire once. Few wars. The odd cultural and social renaissance. Invented one or two sports, not that anyone seems to remember. Decaying post-colonial power, that sort of thing. Still, mustn't grumble, eh?"
2. "Everyone ignored me until Big Chris Columbus rocked up in 1498 and gave me props. Since then everyone wants a piece of me! They can't get enough, even going to the lengths of taking weeks off work to come and visit me! I don't need them, though - I've got gas and oil coming out of my ears."
3. "First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live with my Guaraní side . . . It took all the strength I had not to fall apart but then I nicked a little bit of my neighbour's backyard . . . Dictating men, they tried to hurt me with their lies. Did they think I'd crumble? Did they think I'd lay down and die?"
4. "For some reason people think I'm sex mad but it's a myth. I'm into melodies, progressive social policies, tennis, bargain interior design and the production of conservative vehicles. I'm friendly, well-adjusted and cautiously neutral, yet I have a dark side too, particularly when I become a daylight-plagued insomniac for half the year."
5. "I took several centuries to pull myself together and establish my own identity. When I was young I was influenced by totally the wrong sort of people. I got into a lot of fights and I did some terrible things. I've calmed down since but it's not always easy when people whistle The Great Escape at you all the time."
6. "I'm not being arrogant but I really am the centre of the entire world. I'm certainly more important than Peru and, if they don't like it, they'll get my fist in their face again. Here, did you know that one of my relatives is Christina Aguilera? She's second-generation Ecuadorean; I think that makes her my cousin or something. It is OK to have funny furtive feelings about your cousin, isn't it?"
7. "I'm not sure I really like anyone round here - they're a bit lowbrow and there's a bit too much fighting. And who needs an army? Why can't they just chill out? I'd much rather just share coffee, bananas and beef with the Europe boys. They liked me so much they called me Rich Coast. Why can't I live near them?"
8. "I've gone through 30 years of painful inner turmoil and, while things are only slowly getting better, a couple of weeks on holiday giving former oppressors a good shoeing should offer light relief."
9. "I've got no natural defences and for years I've felt like everybody wanted a part of me. I couldn't make them take no for an answer. Then there's my sense of place. I feel like I don't know where I am. One moment I'm leaning one way, the next I'm leaning the other. And you know I've never really felt totally accepted whichever way I've gone."
10. Everyone used to think I was really together but it was all a big act. I really loathed myself. When my father died it all started falling apart. It's almost as if I was at war with myself a lot of the time. Ultimately everyone leaves me and even today there are parts of myself I'm not totally comfortable with.
11. For years I prided myself on my reputation for peace and prosperity but recently things took a turn for the worse thanks to some bellicose squatters who tried to demolish all I have built. I evicted them but they still keep a foothold in a house they'd rather destroy than let us get on with our business.
12. Germany? We used to own this place you know. Which might explain my strange urge to dress up in jodhpurs and stride around the place building things out of gold. I must tell you about my cousin's uncle's brother: he works in the cement business but still loves his mama. All right then - I surrender.
13. I get these terrible mood swings: if my boss doesn't give me enough cash for cake I'll swing for him, I don't care if I take his bloody head off; other times I'll let my neighbour walk all over me. But that's because ultimately I'm a lover, not a fighter.
14. I once had it all, or at least everything the British hadn't got their grubby hands on. And I did well on it for years but it all went and I fell apart. After a long spell I don't like to talk about I've recovered and am a better citizen, though even now I feel bits of me want to go it alone. But check out how many visitors I have: I must be doing something right.
15. I struck lucky by making it big when I was pretty young in the oil industry and haven't looked back since. Some say I've got more money than I know what to do with.
16. I was an unusual kid. I didn't feel particularly close to anyone and grew up with my own habits that surprised a few people when they finally did get to know me. But then I was possessed by a foreign influence, and I've never been the same since. I think it's a bit late for an exorcism now.
17. I was forced into an arranged marriage but I finally managed to wangle a divorce, not without difficulties. Now I just want to relish my freedom, flex my muscles, live a little. I've got passion to burn but I can still be a bit impetuous. Watch out if you spill my pint.
18. I was isolated for a long time in my early years and developed quite a singular personality. Some might say I'm a little idiosyncratic. When I started to get around a little more it didn't always have entirely positive results. People know my work but don't really know me. Incidentally how far east do you have to go before you are in the west?
19. I'm cultured and quite devout but have long been troubled by envious looks from the neighbours. They used to come in here and try to take over but I have survived, shortened my name and now people are happy just to come and get munted on my munificent hospitality. Tell you what, though: I'd love a trip to the seaside.
20. it's not that I need to be loved by everyone but I can't bear all this suspicion. I've been around since Cyrus the Great you know, seen them all come and go. I should have been a major player by now; it's not my fault Kohmeini upset Jimmy Carter.
21. I've always been a bit of a wanderer, though I don't get out as much as I used to. In my younger days I wasn't always the most respectful of visitors, which is why a few people who put me up back in the day are still narked, but what can you do? I've said I'm sorry. Anyway, whatever I've done, I'm not as bad as them next door.
22. I've always liked to experiment. I was the first African to drop a military coup; it was a real buzz for a while but this Eyadéma bloke started really getting heavy on my ass. What a bummer. Now I'm detoxing and giving elections a go, though I still feel a bit groggy.
23. Just because we are only 15 years old, people think we aren't as important as that old Russia fellow. He may give us gas but that doesn't mean he's our superior: we bring chicken kievs to the party, remember. While I'm here, do you know when people are going to decide if I need a The in front of my name or not?
24. Life is so unfair: everybody thinks all we do is sit in coffee shops smoking and wander down red-light districts. Well, we export cheese as well. And those bloody Grolsch advertsh have made everyone think we're idiotsch. And I've never had my finger in a bloody dyke.
25. My working life? I'm successful and I know I'm really good but my next-door neighbour has always won more respect from the world than me. As for my love life, well there was this mad swivel-eyed bitch who put the knife in during the 1980s. I've still not forgiven her or her family for that, though I've paid them back once or twice, heh heh!
26. Occupation, civil war, the Japanese, those Americans with their amusing field hospitals. I never know if I'm coming or going. Loved the Olympics, though, those were the days. Anyway must dash - several million attractively-priced electronic exports to ship.
27. People see me as dry, old, cultured and sweet natured but, feel these muscles, I can be bad too. I used to be so popular tooled-up visitors would come here and fight each other. A brusque field marshal in a black beret did well round here in the 1940s and nowadays people prefer to come for sunny hospitality.
28. Sometimes I feel as though I'm walking around with a 'kick me' sign stuck to my back. I have to be hyper-vigilant like a neighbourhood watch volunteer with a Crimewatch fixation. I've been besieged by bullies and thieves, foreign and native, and I'd give anything for a quiet life.
29. Those buggers next door give me no respect. They gave me a good kicking a couple of hundred years ago, yet who do they come running to the minute they've robbed a bank and need to cross a border where the cops can't get at them? Eh?
30. Usually I punch first and ask questions later. Actually sometimes I don't bother with the questions bit, particularly where evildoers are concerned. People are suspicious of my strength and it can be a lonely lot, but I have one 'special' friend who always sticks by my side and tells me that I am a good person and gets very upset if I am too friendly with anyone else. I have a playful side but am at my best in games that no one else really understands.
31. We're pleasingly well-oof but like to keep ourselves to ourselves, thank you very much. In fact when them next door start warring they come here to leave their valuabkes. though we don't always go out of our way to find them or their relatives when it's all over. Some think we're boring. Why are your eyes shut?
32. When I was a kid I had it all. But I got friendly with the wrong people and now I find I'm losing all my natural gifts. I'm having to replace them with hard work but I have discipline issues.
The above were taken from http://football.guardian.co.uk/worldcup2006/ in case you get sucked into this and get desperate to work out the answers :)
Bonus points for identifying croatia which is incredibly evil :)