"In Between Days" by amitee
Title: In Between Days
Author: amitee
Rating/Warning: PG
Spoilers: No spoilers.
Recipient: Lilly
Request details: None.
Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.
- Octavio Paz, "Between Going and Staying"
1.
"It's not a bad gig, Carter, working at the Pentagon while you finish
what's left of your PhD," Bradley said, leaning back in his chair, his
eyes focused on her.
"I know, sir."
"Then what's bothering you? There's something, I can tell, so don't
hold out on me."
Sam's hands twisted uncomfortably in her lap. "Makes me feel like I'm
giving up my wings, sir."
"Come on now, you'll always be a pilot through and through," he
replied. He reached for his coffee mug and added another packet of
sugar. "Look, I know the idea of a desk job isn't all that appealing,
but it's the Pentagon. Trust me when I say they won't have you
answering phones. It'll be that step towards NASA that I know you
want."
"I hope not," she said, looking out the window towards the airfield.
"I've only been given the most basic of details as to what the project
is that I've been assigned to, so I don't really know exactly what
I'll be doing up there."
"Something worthy of your brilliant mind, I'm sure," Bradley said, and
the tone of his voice told Sam he meant it, and that he probably knew
more about the research projects running at the Pentagon than she did.
"I've always felt you were destined for something more than this,
Captain, and even if you don't feel the same way right now I'm
confident that the Air Force has something for you that will make the
best use of your talents."
"If I may, sir?" she asked, and he nodded. "I hope that you're right.
Both you and my father have more confidence in this transfer than I
do."
Bradley smiled. "We know there's more to you than what you're doing here, Sam."
"Thank you, sir. I think."
"But I'll miss you."
"I'll write," she replied with a grin.
"You better."
In the distance, she could hear the Pave Hawk approaching. It would
take her from Whiteman to Bolling, where she was to report in at DIAC
and spend the night before continuing on to the Pentagon. "I guess
that's my ride, sir," she said to Bradley, who nodded.
She stood and saluted. He returned the salute, then extended his
hand. "It's been a pleasure, Sam."
"You too. Thank you, sir." She shook his hand, then picked up her
bag and closed his office door behind her on the way out.
The helicopter was waiting on the pad as she jogged across the field.
The pilot was holding a headset ready for her as she climbed in. Sam
slid it over her head and stowed her bag out of the way before she
strapped in. "Ready, ma'm?"
"Yes, thank you, Lieutenant."
"Don't get too many runs to Bolling," he said as the helicopter lifted
into the air. "Weather's nice and clear; should be a short flight."
"Understood."
2.
It was past dark when Sam finally made it home to her apartment,
kicking off her shoes and setting her hat on the counter next to the
flashing answering machine. She hit play and unbuttoned her jacket as
she listened to the messages: Jonas asking where she was, her graduate
advisor reminding her of their meeting tomorrow - she hadn't
forgotten, but he was like a dentist's office with the reminder calls
- and one from her brother. "Sam, it's Mark… just wanted you to know
that we had the baby this morning… everyone's okay… I hope you're
doing well."
Sam didn't even know his new number. She didn't feel like calling her
father to see if he had it. After the last fight, she figured Mark
hadn't told him the number either, and she knew she was just another
name on a list of people he had to call to tell.
She went into the bedroom, hung up her uniform and pulled on a worn
Academy t-shirt and faded pajama bottoms. There was beer in the
refrigerator, and it was calling her name. She gave the pile of
textbooks on the coffee table a mean look as she passed, planning on
ignoring them for the night, and grabbed a bottle from the door.
Today, her CO had told her there was an opening on a highly classified
project, and that he was going to recommend her for it. "I can't tell
you what it is exactly because I don't have all the details, Captain,
but with your astrophysics background and your security clearance, I
can't think of anyone more qualified."
He proceeded to explain what he knew of the Stargate project, a search
for theoretical methods of space travel outside of manned spaceflight.
Sam was pretty sure her jaw had been in her lap by the time he was
done, and her CO insisted that what he'd told her probably wasn't the
half of it. "So I'm assuming you're interested?"
"Absolutely, sir."
Now she stretched out on the couch with a beer and idly flipped
through channels on the television, not paying much attention. This
could be a big leap towards the space program, she knew, and NASA had
been her goal since she was eight. Her entire life had been planned
out following that path, right down to the research papers she'd done
as an undergraduate. Her fellow physics students had looked at her
like she was crazy; like she was chasing an unobtainable dream, but
NASA had always seemed reachable to Sam because she knew all the steps
she needed to take to get there.
Yawning, she set the bottle on top of the books and curled up on her
side, knowing sleeping on the couch was likely to give her a backache
but too worn out to care. The television flickered, but after
sleeping in a war zone some flashing lights were easily ignored, and
she was asleep in minutes.
3.
Sam stood at the edge of the Reflecting Pool, resisting the urge to
dig her dress-shoe clad foot angrily into the dirt. She thought that
this qualified as the second worst day of her life. Even though she'd
been the one to end the engagement, she still felt terrible. The look
on Jonas' face had been almost scary, and she was not a person who
scared easily. He'd turned and hit the wall, not with enough force to
break through, but hard enough her picture frames had rattled.
And then, at work, the official decision had been made on the Stargate
mission. Her request to join had been denied. They were sending a
formerly retired Colonel with a death wish - she had heard the stories
- and an anthropologist. An anthropologist. On a military
reconnaissance mission. It was about the worst idea she'd ever heard,
and she'd struggled to stay calm in front of Hammond. He, too, looked
a little worse for wear; Sam knew he'd requested to be part of the
command and been denied as well.
She was looking down at her hand where the ring used to be when
someone walked up beside her. "Hello, Sam."
"Colonel!" she gasped. She hadn't seen Bradley in two years. "Sir,
what are you doing here?"
"I came to see you," he said simply.
Sam was shocked. "Thanks," she murmured. "But seriously, sir."
"I've got a meeting at the Pentagon. But that doesn't mean I didn't
want to check up on you." He smiled.
"So I assume you know about the program?"
"Some of it. Probably not everything." He looked out over the water.
"You get the graduation card?"
"Yes, sir. It was nice of you to think of me."
"Sam, you can call me Shane, you know." Bradley clasped his hands
together behind his back as they walked. "I'm not your CO anymore.
Hell, you can call me Clipper like your father does."
"I don't think I could go that far, sir," Sam laughed.
"So tell me what's new. I'll buy you a cup of coffee."
She sighed. "I could use it, after the day I've had."
"Come on." Bradley paid for the two Styrofoam cups filled to the brim
from a cart, and they sat down on the Lincoln steps. "All right,
spill."
"I got denied. All that work, and the Joint Chiefs said no." She
blew on the surface of the coffee. "They didn't even give a reason,
and Hammond had to feed me this line about how that the team who's
going probably won't come back."
"There's some truth to that."
"I know," she insisted, frustrated. "But I've given two years of my
life to this."
"Your father would have been upset if you'd gone."
"You don't think he intervened, do you?" she asked.
"I know he didn't." Bradley looked at her solemnly, his forearms
resting on his knees, holding the cup loosely between his fingers.
"It's not fair, Sam. I know that. There's not much in this business
that is fair."
She nodded. "I understand that."
"But you've never been turned down for anything, have you," he said
gently, and it wasn't a question. "Let me guess - it's always you
doing the turning down."
"You summed it up pretty good, sir," she chuckled. "The thing is… I
was ready to go. I was ready to let go of everything and leave it all
behind." She turned the cup in her hands and then set it aside. "I
even broke up with my fiancé this morning. But it wasn't because I
thought I was leaving and not coming back."
"I'm sorry."
Sam hugged her knees. "It was for the best, I think."
"Maybe it's all for the best, Sam." She nodded again and didn't say
anything. Bradley finished his coffee. The sun flashed hot orange
across the water.
Author: amitee
Rating/Warning: PG
Spoilers: No spoilers.
Recipient: Lilly
Request details: None.
Between going and staying the day wavers,
in love with its own transparency.
The circular afternoon is now a bay
where the world in stillness rocks.
- Octavio Paz, "Between Going and Staying"
1.
"It's not a bad gig, Carter, working at the Pentagon while you finish
what's left of your PhD," Bradley said, leaning back in his chair, his
eyes focused on her.
"I know, sir."
"Then what's bothering you? There's something, I can tell, so don't
hold out on me."
Sam's hands twisted uncomfortably in her lap. "Makes me feel like I'm
giving up my wings, sir."
"Come on now, you'll always be a pilot through and through," he
replied. He reached for his coffee mug and added another packet of
sugar. "Look, I know the idea of a desk job isn't all that appealing,
but it's the Pentagon. Trust me when I say they won't have you
answering phones. It'll be that step towards NASA that I know you
want."
"I hope not," she said, looking out the window towards the airfield.
"I've only been given the most basic of details as to what the project
is that I've been assigned to, so I don't really know exactly what
I'll be doing up there."
"Something worthy of your brilliant mind, I'm sure," Bradley said, and
the tone of his voice told Sam he meant it, and that he probably knew
more about the research projects running at the Pentagon than she did.
"I've always felt you were destined for something more than this,
Captain, and even if you don't feel the same way right now I'm
confident that the Air Force has something for you that will make the
best use of your talents."
"If I may, sir?" she asked, and he nodded. "I hope that you're right.
Both you and my father have more confidence in this transfer than I
do."
Bradley smiled. "We know there's more to you than what you're doing here, Sam."
"Thank you, sir. I think."
"But I'll miss you."
"I'll write," she replied with a grin.
"You better."
In the distance, she could hear the Pave Hawk approaching. It would
take her from Whiteman to Bolling, where she was to report in at DIAC
and spend the night before continuing on to the Pentagon. "I guess
that's my ride, sir," she said to Bradley, who nodded.
She stood and saluted. He returned the salute, then extended his
hand. "It's been a pleasure, Sam."
"You too. Thank you, sir." She shook his hand, then picked up her
bag and closed his office door behind her on the way out.
The helicopter was waiting on the pad as she jogged across the field.
The pilot was holding a headset ready for her as she climbed in. Sam
slid it over her head and stowed her bag out of the way before she
strapped in. "Ready, ma'm?"
"Yes, thank you, Lieutenant."
"Don't get too many runs to Bolling," he said as the helicopter lifted
into the air. "Weather's nice and clear; should be a short flight."
"Understood."
2.
It was past dark when Sam finally made it home to her apartment,
kicking off her shoes and setting her hat on the counter next to the
flashing answering machine. She hit play and unbuttoned her jacket as
she listened to the messages: Jonas asking where she was, her graduate
advisor reminding her of their meeting tomorrow - she hadn't
forgotten, but he was like a dentist's office with the reminder calls
- and one from her brother. "Sam, it's Mark… just wanted you to know
that we had the baby this morning… everyone's okay… I hope you're
doing well."
Sam didn't even know his new number. She didn't feel like calling her
father to see if he had it. After the last fight, she figured Mark
hadn't told him the number either, and she knew she was just another
name on a list of people he had to call to tell.
She went into the bedroom, hung up her uniform and pulled on a worn
Academy t-shirt and faded pajama bottoms. There was beer in the
refrigerator, and it was calling her name. She gave the pile of
textbooks on the coffee table a mean look as she passed, planning on
ignoring them for the night, and grabbed a bottle from the door.
Today, her CO had told her there was an opening on a highly classified
project, and that he was going to recommend her for it. "I can't tell
you what it is exactly because I don't have all the details, Captain,
but with your astrophysics background and your security clearance, I
can't think of anyone more qualified."
He proceeded to explain what he knew of the Stargate project, a search
for theoretical methods of space travel outside of manned spaceflight.
Sam was pretty sure her jaw had been in her lap by the time he was
done, and her CO insisted that what he'd told her probably wasn't the
half of it. "So I'm assuming you're interested?"
"Absolutely, sir."
Now she stretched out on the couch with a beer and idly flipped
through channels on the television, not paying much attention. This
could be a big leap towards the space program, she knew, and NASA had
been her goal since she was eight. Her entire life had been planned
out following that path, right down to the research papers she'd done
as an undergraduate. Her fellow physics students had looked at her
like she was crazy; like she was chasing an unobtainable dream, but
NASA had always seemed reachable to Sam because she knew all the steps
she needed to take to get there.
Yawning, she set the bottle on top of the books and curled up on her
side, knowing sleeping on the couch was likely to give her a backache
but too worn out to care. The television flickered, but after
sleeping in a war zone some flashing lights were easily ignored, and
she was asleep in minutes.
3.
Sam stood at the edge of the Reflecting Pool, resisting the urge to
dig her dress-shoe clad foot angrily into the dirt. She thought that
this qualified as the second worst day of her life. Even though she'd
been the one to end the engagement, she still felt terrible. The look
on Jonas' face had been almost scary, and she was not a person who
scared easily. He'd turned and hit the wall, not with enough force to
break through, but hard enough her picture frames had rattled.
And then, at work, the official decision had been made on the Stargate
mission. Her request to join had been denied. They were sending a
formerly retired Colonel with a death wish - she had heard the stories
- and an anthropologist. An anthropologist. On a military
reconnaissance mission. It was about the worst idea she'd ever heard,
and she'd struggled to stay calm in front of Hammond. He, too, looked
a little worse for wear; Sam knew he'd requested to be part of the
command and been denied as well.
She was looking down at her hand where the ring used to be when
someone walked up beside her. "Hello, Sam."
"Colonel!" she gasped. She hadn't seen Bradley in two years. "Sir,
what are you doing here?"
"I came to see you," he said simply.
Sam was shocked. "Thanks," she murmured. "But seriously, sir."
"I've got a meeting at the Pentagon. But that doesn't mean I didn't
want to check up on you." He smiled.
"So I assume you know about the program?"
"Some of it. Probably not everything." He looked out over the water.
"You get the graduation card?"
"Yes, sir. It was nice of you to think of me."
"Sam, you can call me Shane, you know." Bradley clasped his hands
together behind his back as they walked. "I'm not your CO anymore.
Hell, you can call me Clipper like your father does."
"I don't think I could go that far, sir," Sam laughed.
"So tell me what's new. I'll buy you a cup of coffee."
She sighed. "I could use it, after the day I've had."
"Come on." Bradley paid for the two Styrofoam cups filled to the brim
from a cart, and they sat down on the Lincoln steps. "All right,
spill."
"I got denied. All that work, and the Joint Chiefs said no." She
blew on the surface of the coffee. "They didn't even give a reason,
and Hammond had to feed me this line about how that the team who's
going probably won't come back."
"There's some truth to that."
"I know," she insisted, frustrated. "But I've given two years of my
life to this."
"Your father would have been upset if you'd gone."
"You don't think he intervened, do you?" she asked.
"I know he didn't." Bradley looked at her solemnly, his forearms
resting on his knees, holding the cup loosely between his fingers.
"It's not fair, Sam. I know that. There's not much in this business
that is fair."
She nodded. "I understand that."
"But you've never been turned down for anything, have you," he said
gently, and it wasn't a question. "Let me guess - it's always you
doing the turning down."
"You summed it up pretty good, sir," she chuckled. "The thing is… I
was ready to go. I was ready to let go of everything and leave it all
behind." She turned the cup in her hands and then set it aside. "I
even broke up with my fiancé this morning. But it wasn't because I
thought I was leaving and not coming back."
"I'm sorry."
Sam hugged her knees. "It was for the best, I think."
"Maybe it's all for the best, Sam." She nodded again and didn't say
anything. Bradley finished his coffee. The sun flashed hot orange
across the water.