Fic: Under Pressure (Part II)
Title: Under Pressure
Disclaimer: Ryan Murphy's sandbox. I just play in it.
Rating: R (language)
Word Count: 7,619 (between both parts). Another long one.
Continuity: This is next after 'P is for Pillow Talk'.
A/N: A huge thank you to my beta readers: Redlance and Carpesomediem. You guys are awesome!
Summary: Sam goes to therapy.
A/N II: This is probably not an accurate representation of how therapy actually works. This is more like 'Hollywood' therapy, where things have to get accomplished and revelations have to be made in the half-hour or hour or however long until the show ends. So keep that in mind if it seems unrealistic.
Under Pressure, Part II
To go to Part I click here.
Sam had recounted most of the details of her and Brooke’s relationship, and had ended on the events that led her mother to suspect that something was going on between them.
That explains why Brooke never mentioned your relationship when she was seeing me.
Sam nodded. We didn’t start going out until Christmas.
That was sweet of you to set up that dinner for New Year’s, Dr. Halley smiled.
Thanks, Sam grinned bashfully. She still didn’t feel comfortable talking about that sort of thing, but as before: every person who knew made their relationship that much more real.
So why is it you that think you don’t deserve Brooke?
Sam was taken aback. This isn’t about Brooke, she asserted.
Dr. Halley weighed her response-her head tilted back and forth on her shoulders. And it may not be. But this is clearly an issue with you. Why not address it while we’re here?
Why do you think you’re not good enough for Brooke? Dr. Halley inquired.
It’s not that I-- Sam began, and then changed tack. Have you seen her?
Yes, she is a very beautiful girl, Dr. Halley agreed. Stunning, really, she added. But, Sam, yours is a different look than hers, but you’re just as striking in your own right.
Sam rolled her eyes at the compliment, but smiled just the same. I know I’m not unattractive, its just that... Sam’s struggled to articulate her thoughts. Brooke is Aphrodite, she finally blurted out. It doesn’t matter how good looking you are, when you walk into a bar with Aphrodite, you are automatically Aphrodite’s ugly friend.
Dr. Halley smirked. Interesting metaphor, she quipped. I’ll bet Brooke thinks you’re pretty.
She does, Sam grinned at the floor. Or at least she says she does.
That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Why would you say that? Do you not believe her?
I do, Sam replied. I-It’s just-- her words failed her.
Just what, Sam? Dr. Halley prodded.
Why is she gay? Sam asked. I mean, if you would have told me a year ago that Brooke McQueen was gay, I would have told ya you were crazy. She remembered her surroundings. No offense, she added.
Dr. Halley took the comment in stride.
It just doesn’t seem like Brooke is gay, Sam continued.
Dr. Halley ventured cautiously. So the two of you haven’t...
No, Sam replied-the apples of her cheeks burning. We have. We do.
And is Brooke an active participant?
She’s an animal, Sam chuckled. She jokingly refers to it as ‘molesting’ me, but it’s not that far from the truth. Not that she minded.
So she initiates sexual contact? the Doctor inquired.
Oh yeah, Sam confirmed. At home, in the Novak...
That’s the bathroom at school, she clarified upon seeing the Doctor’s puzzled look. The woman’s eyebrows hiked up to her hairline and Sam wondered if she’d volunteered too much.
She sounds gay to me, Dr. Halley concluded.
But why? Sam argued. She ran her hands through her hair. I mean: I’m gay. If Brooke and I ever broke up-God, and it scares me to even say that-I know I would still date girls-once I drank like a fish and cried for three straight years, I mean, she amended.
Her and I watched this porno once--
Long story, she disclaimed in lieu of an explanation, and I was definitely turned on by the women. They started kissing and making out in one scene, and I don’t know if it was because I was watching it with Brooke or what, but I--
She cleared her throat. I know I’m gay. But Brooke, I mean, she could have anyone-male or female--
Why you...?
It knocked the wind out of her, hearing her most private fear voiced out loud. Yeah, she said, feeling the prickling in her eyes and hearing the tremor in her own voice, why me?
She looked down at her folded hands
Because she loves you? Dr. Halley offered.
She does, Sam nodded. It was true. Sam didn’t doubt that.
And that makes you happy, doesn’t it?
Happier than I’ve ever been, Sam confessed.
Dr. Halley scrutinized her. Don’t you deserve to be happy?
Sam was silent for a moment. I keep waiting for it to all go to hell.
Why do you think it will?
Doesn’t it always? Sam challenged.
Dr. Halley let that one settle for a moment. I don’t know, she shrugged. It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
Yeah, Sam nodded. She got up and looked out the window at the buildings in the distance. Everything’s going great-the story of your life, just like you always planned. And then bam! It all goes wrong-and it happens so fast your head spins. And you realize that there are no happy endings.
Sam felt a drop of salty liquid crawl slowly down her cheek. It amazes me sometimes: that your whole life can change-it can be totally upside down from what you thought it would be-and you don’t even know it.
For those few hours, my life was absolutely normal, Sam continued. They’re like limbo now-and I remember them so vividly. I was worried about my algebra test--
Fucking algebra! Sam sniffed, wiping at her eyes. Her laugh was devoid of mirth. There was a time where I thought my biggest worry was going to be a goddamn algebra test, she shook her head at herself-at her naïveté.
We’re not talking about Brooke anymore, are we?
Sam was silent, and steeled herself for what was to come. She didn’t talk about this with anyone-even Brooke. My Mom came and got me out of school early that day. I-I never did take that test...
It was so hard-even now-to even rewind to that day in her head. Dad was sick. Real sick. We found out that night it was cancer.
Sam fought the aching just behind her eyes. If she lost it now, here, she was afraid she would break into so many pieces there just wouldn’t be enough to put back together. Fuck...
She slammed her hand on the glass window.
How long has it been? Dr. Halley asked.
Five years, Sam supplied. Jesus, it’s been five fucking years... Suddenly she wanted to see Brooke. She thought about asking Dr. Halley to ask her in. But no. That was stupid. That was too much like help, and Sam McPherson didn’t ask for help.
What am I doing here? she suddenly asked out loud. This is getting nowhere. She turned on the Doctor. Dredging this up again isn’t going to help anything.
How do you know?
I know! And my Dad dying isn’t the issue. I’ve been there-I’ve seen the ‘grief counselors’. Air quotes revealed her opinion of their efforts.
I take it they didn’t help much?
MY DAD DIED! she bellowed. What the fuck could they do?
No reply. Huh? What the fuck could they do? Sam asked again. With all their stupid words and platitudes--
Oh, and if I had to hear that idiotic ‘Footprints in the Sand’ poem one more GODDAMN TIME!! She grabbed fistfuls of her hair, and her bitter laugh was more like a bark. I couldn’t believe Aunt Maggie read that at the funeral! I wanted to fuckin’ puke!
She rounded on Dr. Halley. And people kept asking me: ‘is there anything I can do for you Sam’? she mocked them in a sing song voice. Yeah: bring my father back! Make him not be dead! How’s that?
Do that or shut the fuck up! she bellowed, because there’s nothing else to do!
She got up and paced the room, leaving scorch marks behind her. You know, I hated Brooke when we first met-hated her, she confided, but she never treated my any differently because of what happened. I liked her for that.
Other people were all ‘kid gloves’ around me. But not her. No, she couldn’t stand me, and wasn’t afraid to tell me.
On a regular basis, she chuckled, smiling sincerely for the first time in what felt like ages. I hated her because I was so fucking in love with her.
God, when Nicole hit her, Sam recalled, I didn’t know if she was alive or dead. I honestly don’t know how she survived that, seeing it. And I just kept thinking: ‘Not her too. Not her too.’
I know this sounds melodramatic, Sam warned, all ‘teen angst’ and shit, but I don’t think I would have made it if she died. Sam stared out the window, and remembered how it felt that night to watch Brooke’s life seep out of her onto the blacktop. She exhaled, and heard the tremor in her breathing.
Being with her makes it seem like everything’s okay-and that’s what scares me, Sam confessed. She even came out to see me one time at my Father’s grave, Sam reminisced, and it made it hurt less. I got the feeling that he was happy for me.
I’m sure he is, Sam, Dr. Halley assured her.
I-- Sam stammered. This was the hardest part. I feel like I’m losing him again.
Dr. Halley again waited for her to continue. Mom is marrying Mike. They’ve become a family. We’ve become a family.
I looked at him the other day. Mom was talking about Dad, and I looked up at Mike without thinking.
Do you know why?
Sam nodded, the tears blurring her view of the window. It’s my fault.
Why, Sam?
Sam sniffed. I don’t know what I’d choose, she divulged. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, and the tears fell freely. She thought this was supposed to make her feel better?
Choose? Choose what, Sam?
I always fantasized that I could get my Dad back somehow: she said, a genie would grant me a wish, or maybe they’d invent time travel and I could go back and detect it earlier...
And then one day I realized that if I did that I wouldn’t have Brooke, she revealed. Yeah, I might know her, but I certainly wouldn’t be with her. Mom and Mike would have never met on that cruise, we wouldn’t have moved to The Palace, Mac wouldn’t be here, and Brooke would despise me-just like she always did.
And for a split second, I didn’t know what my choice would be...
She fought back the tears, because that wasn’t the worst of it. She’d come this far: she might as well lay it all out for the world to see. No, she retched from inside of her-her voice sounding as hollow as she felt, that’s not true. I did know what my choice would be. She put her face in her hands, not daring to see the look of condemnation in the Doctor’s eyes. Jesus!
And I’m so afraid I’m going to lose Brooke-as punishment for that. And I deserve it! Because what kind of daughter am I?
Sam, Dr. Halley attempted to halt the spiral.
No! she screamed. It’s true! It doesn’t last-nothing ever lasts! There are no happy endings!
My dad’s ending sucked, and-- her voice cracked as hysteria threatened to overwhelm her, what’s his epithet?
His own daughter forgot him! she answered her own question, pleading the prosecution’s case against herself. And if she had the chance to bring him back she wouldn’t-because she’s happier without him!
I told him I’d never forget him! she wailed, the hypocrisy of her actions like a mirror to her soul. I sat there as he died and told him I’d love him forever!
FUCK! her shrill cry echoed through the office. She clawed at her face as she sat there. Memories flooded her without warning, moments that at the time seemed insignificant: visiting her father at the paper, or going out for ice cream or hot dogs-or something stupid that had been so great simply because he’d been there with her.
In her mind’s eye she could see him smiling at her. God, what would he say to her now: knowing how she turned out?
Sam? the Doctor’s voice reached out to her, pleading.
In the memories he was still smiling. Sam sat there, wanting him to see the real her-the failure she had turned out to be.
But he was still smiling, like he always did...
Listen to me, Dr. Halley commanded, you didn’t choose for your father to die. You would never make that choice.
Sam shook her head. She knew what the doctor was going to say: something no doubt aimed at making her feel better. Fat chance.
You didn’t choose a new family over him, Sam. That’s the path your life took-after you lost him so quickly, and so unfairly.
Sam looked up. No one ever called it unfair. And why? Damn right it was unfair. He was her Dad. She loved him more than anything in the world.
He would want you to move on-to be happy.
He wouldn’t want me to forget him!
You haven’t forgotten him.
I have!
No, Sam, Dr. Halley countered, you haven’t. How could you?
Dr. Halley smiled. You’re Dad loved you-loves you still, she added. And he knows you loved him.
He’s gone. He knows that you have to move on to be happy-even if that means having a new family. Especially if it means having a new family. He doesn’t want you to hurt, Sam.
Sam felt the tears coming again, and she didn’t fight it. She lowered her head and cried like she did at the dinner table. But it was better this time: with the tears went the pain and the poison.
Can I get you anything, Sam?
She debated with herself for a moment. To hell with it. Can you get Brooke? she pleaded.
Dr. Halley leaned over to the desk phone. Beatrice, can you ask Brooke to come in--
The door burst open so fast the change in atmospheric pressure ruffled the papers on the desk. The blonde surveyed the scene in a flash, and shut the door behind her. She went immediately to Sam and cradled the brunette in her arms.
It’s all right, Sammy, she said. I’ve got you. Brooke pressed her lips to Sam’s hair, and then remembered they had company.
Um, she began, there’s something I need to tell you, Dr. Halley. Sam and I are--
I told her, a muffled voice called out from her chest.
Good, Brooke said, and squeezed the brunette tighter.
After a few moments the tears subsided, and Sam sat up. She took Brooke’s hand because it made her feel better, and because she could. Apparently I have some issues, Sam revealed.
Brooke, to her credit, stayed silent-merely raising an eyebrow.
Sam couldn’t help but smile. Ha-ha, she said.
I didn’t say anything! Brooke protested indignantly.
You didn’t have to, Sam chuckled.
Sam, we both know I’m the crazy one, Brooke insisted.
Shall I book you for next week, Brooke? Dr. Halley quipped.
No, Brooke grinned, I’ve made peace with crazy.
I don’t have to do this again next week, do I? Sam lamented. I don’t think I can take it.
I would like to see you again, Dr. Halley replied. But it can be when you feel up to it.
Sam nodded, and turned to her girlfriend. One of the things I discovered is that I worry that you’re not really gay.
Brooke arched an eyebrow. Do I have to rip your pants off right here and prove how gay I am?
Brooke! Sam admonished, turning beat red. Did she delight in doing that?
She did, didn’t she?
She seems pretty gay to me, Sam, Dr. Halley opined with a laugh.
See? the blonde affirmed, and that’s from a professional.
Sam smirked, amazed at the changes in her girlfriend over the last year-from the Brooke McQueen who was so afraid of being different in even the slightest way.
Are you really okay? Brooke asked. I could hear you yelling, the blonde frowned. Mom and Dad had to restrain me.
Sam chuckled.
Yeaaahhh, Brooke acknowledged, if Mom was wondering before...
Oh, and my Dad wants to set you up with some brunette at the coffee shop near the office, she added.
Is she cute? Sam grinned.
Oh, do I have to rip your pants off in front of Mom and Dad to prove how gay we are? There will be no Starbucks ho’s in your future, Miss McPherson. You’re mine!
Sam smiled. She wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s go home, Sam said. The word had taken on new meaning-but it was all right. It was good.
The Doctor was right: her Dad would have wanted it this way. He loved her-he would want her life to go on.
He’d even told her that, now that she thought back. She was just too distraught to hear it at the time.
They walked hand and hand to the door. Sam stopped, and looked at their joined hands before entering the waiting room.
We could just tell them now, Brooke suggested. She nodded toward Dr. Halley: Book the whole afternoon...?
Sam said nothing. She felt extremely fragile right now, and didn’t want to let go off her lifeline. But she wasn’t ready to face the parentals right now.
She had to will her fingers to let go of Brooke’s.
Soon, the blonde reassured her. Soon-and I’ll never let go.
It was enough-enough to give her the strength to walk through that door.
* * *
Sam’s homecoming was cautiously optimistic. They greeted her at the waiting room with tentative hugs: speaking in hushed tones and cradling her gingerly like a Faberge Egg.
The ride home was quiet. The curiosity was plainly visible in Mike and her mother’s eyes, but they didn’t broach the subject. Sam decided to make a game of it, and see how long they could go without cracking and question her. She took the fact that she found this so amusing as a good sign that she was getting better.
It didn’t hurt that Brooke-gauging the direction of her father’s eyes in the rear view mirror-reached over to hold her hand.
She needed that, and could admit that to herself now. Once the blonde had said ‘I love you’ she had been irrevocably altered. Her DNA had rewired itself to include a dependence upon this other person-and it scared the hell out of her.
She remembered how sad she’d been the day they told Harrison about the two of them. Because she realized then and there that-while she didn’t want to lose his friendship-she could live without him if she had too.
At the time she’d attributed that to being in the relationship with Brooke. And while that was certainly part of it, it wasn’t the whole truth. She shut herself off when her Dad died. Sure, she was able to produce a passable imitation of her old self-and eventually her friends came to recognize the ‘Sam’ that they all knew and loved.
But it was a façade. She had never allowed herself to really need any of them-or anyone else for that matter-ever again. It was just safer that way-until a certain blonde cheerleader shattered all of her carefully constructed barriers.
So there she sat, vulnerable for the first time since she’d lost her father. She’d allowed herself to need somebody again-and apparently that frightened the hell out of her.
I guess I’ve had another breakthrough, Sam thought to herself, Wouldn’t Doctor Halley be pleased?
Sam looked down at the hand enfolding hers. It was so scary: depending on another person-to open herself up like that. Could she trust this...?
A gentle squeeze brought her eyes up to meet hazel ones studying her. She couldn’t help but grin at the smile in those eyes.
And then the blonde’s lips were moving-silently annunciated three words:
I’ve got you, she said, and those hazel eyes shone like the sun itself.
The last of her defenses fell. ‘Forever’ was now in the hand encircling her own. She made a decision then and there to surrender her heart and soul to this girl-only to realize that she’d done so ages ago.
But it was all right: she wasn’t afraid anymore.
She believed in happy endings again.
Disclaimer: Ryan Murphy's sandbox. I just play in it.
Rating: R (language)
Word Count: 7,619 (between both parts). Another long one.
Continuity: This is next after 'P is for Pillow Talk'.
A/N: A huge thank you to my beta readers: Redlance and Carpesomediem. You guys are awesome!
Summary: Sam goes to therapy.
A/N II: This is probably not an accurate representation of how therapy actually works. This is more like 'Hollywood' therapy, where things have to get accomplished and revelations have to be made in the half-hour or hour or however long until the show ends. So keep that in mind if it seems unrealistic.
Under Pressure, Part II
To go to Part I click here.
Sam had recounted most of the details of her and Brooke’s relationship, and had ended on the events that led her mother to suspect that something was going on between them.
That explains why Brooke never mentioned your relationship when she was seeing me.
Sam nodded. We didn’t start going out until Christmas.
That was sweet of you to set up that dinner for New Year’s, Dr. Halley smiled.
Thanks, Sam grinned bashfully. She still didn’t feel comfortable talking about that sort of thing, but as before: every person who knew made their relationship that much more real.
So why is it you that think you don’t deserve Brooke?
Sam was taken aback. This isn’t about Brooke, she asserted.
Dr. Halley weighed her response-her head tilted back and forth on her shoulders. And it may not be. But this is clearly an issue with you. Why not address it while we’re here?
Why do you think you’re not good enough for Brooke? Dr. Halley inquired.
It’s not that I-- Sam began, and then changed tack. Have you seen her?
Yes, she is a very beautiful girl, Dr. Halley agreed. Stunning, really, she added. But, Sam, yours is a different look than hers, but you’re just as striking in your own right.
Sam rolled her eyes at the compliment, but smiled just the same. I know I’m not unattractive, its just that... Sam’s struggled to articulate her thoughts. Brooke is Aphrodite, she finally blurted out. It doesn’t matter how good looking you are, when you walk into a bar with Aphrodite, you are automatically Aphrodite’s ugly friend.
Dr. Halley smirked. Interesting metaphor, she quipped. I’ll bet Brooke thinks you’re pretty.
She does, Sam grinned at the floor. Or at least she says she does.
That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Why would you say that? Do you not believe her?
I do, Sam replied. I-It’s just-- her words failed her.
Just what, Sam? Dr. Halley prodded.
Why is she gay? Sam asked. I mean, if you would have told me a year ago that Brooke McQueen was gay, I would have told ya you were crazy. She remembered her surroundings. No offense, she added.
Dr. Halley took the comment in stride.
It just doesn’t seem like Brooke is gay, Sam continued.
Dr. Halley ventured cautiously. So the two of you haven’t...
No, Sam replied-the apples of her cheeks burning. We have. We do.
And is Brooke an active participant?
She’s an animal, Sam chuckled. She jokingly refers to it as ‘molesting’ me, but it’s not that far from the truth. Not that she minded.
So she initiates sexual contact? the Doctor inquired.
Oh yeah, Sam confirmed. At home, in the Novak...
That’s the bathroom at school, she clarified upon seeing the Doctor’s puzzled look. The woman’s eyebrows hiked up to her hairline and Sam wondered if she’d volunteered too much.
She sounds gay to me, Dr. Halley concluded.
But why? Sam argued. She ran her hands through her hair. I mean: I’m gay. If Brooke and I ever broke up-God, and it scares me to even say that-I know I would still date girls-once I drank like a fish and cried for three straight years, I mean, she amended.
Her and I watched this porno once--
Long story, she disclaimed in lieu of an explanation, and I was definitely turned on by the women. They started kissing and making out in one scene, and I don’t know if it was because I was watching it with Brooke or what, but I--
She cleared her throat. I know I’m gay. But Brooke, I mean, she could have anyone-male or female--
Why you...?
It knocked the wind out of her, hearing her most private fear voiced out loud. Yeah, she said, feeling the prickling in her eyes and hearing the tremor in her own voice, why me?
She looked down at her folded hands
Because she loves you? Dr. Halley offered.
She does, Sam nodded. It was true. Sam didn’t doubt that.
And that makes you happy, doesn’t it?
Happier than I’ve ever been, Sam confessed.
Dr. Halley scrutinized her. Don’t you deserve to be happy?
Sam was silent for a moment. I keep waiting for it to all go to hell.
Why do you think it will?
Doesn’t it always? Sam challenged.
Dr. Halley let that one settle for a moment. I don’t know, she shrugged. It seems that way sometimes, doesn’t it?
Yeah, Sam nodded. She got up and looked out the window at the buildings in the distance. Everything’s going great-the story of your life, just like you always planned. And then bam! It all goes wrong-and it happens so fast your head spins. And you realize that there are no happy endings.
Sam felt a drop of salty liquid crawl slowly down her cheek. It amazes me sometimes: that your whole life can change-it can be totally upside down from what you thought it would be-and you don’t even know it.
For those few hours, my life was absolutely normal, Sam continued. They’re like limbo now-and I remember them so vividly. I was worried about my algebra test--
Fucking algebra! Sam sniffed, wiping at her eyes. Her laugh was devoid of mirth. There was a time where I thought my biggest worry was going to be a goddamn algebra test, she shook her head at herself-at her naïveté.
We’re not talking about Brooke anymore, are we?
Sam was silent, and steeled herself for what was to come. She didn’t talk about this with anyone-even Brooke. My Mom came and got me out of school early that day. I-I never did take that test...
It was so hard-even now-to even rewind to that day in her head. Dad was sick. Real sick. We found out that night it was cancer.
Sam fought the aching just behind her eyes. If she lost it now, here, she was afraid she would break into so many pieces there just wouldn’t be enough to put back together. Fuck...
She slammed her hand on the glass window.
How long has it been? Dr. Halley asked.
Five years, Sam supplied. Jesus, it’s been five fucking years... Suddenly she wanted to see Brooke. She thought about asking Dr. Halley to ask her in. But no. That was stupid. That was too much like help, and Sam McPherson didn’t ask for help.
What am I doing here? she suddenly asked out loud. This is getting nowhere. She turned on the Doctor. Dredging this up again isn’t going to help anything.
How do you know?
I know! And my Dad dying isn’t the issue. I’ve been there-I’ve seen the ‘grief counselors’. Air quotes revealed her opinion of their efforts.
I take it they didn’t help much?
MY DAD DIED! she bellowed. What the fuck could they do?
No reply. Huh? What the fuck could they do? Sam asked again. With all their stupid words and platitudes--
Oh, and if I had to hear that idiotic ‘Footprints in the Sand’ poem one more GODDAMN TIME!! She grabbed fistfuls of her hair, and her bitter laugh was more like a bark. I couldn’t believe Aunt Maggie read that at the funeral! I wanted to fuckin’ puke!
She rounded on Dr. Halley. And people kept asking me: ‘is there anything I can do for you Sam’? she mocked them in a sing song voice. Yeah: bring my father back! Make him not be dead! How’s that?
Do that or shut the fuck up! she bellowed, because there’s nothing else to do!
She got up and paced the room, leaving scorch marks behind her. You know, I hated Brooke when we first met-hated her, she confided, but she never treated my any differently because of what happened. I liked her for that.
Other people were all ‘kid gloves’ around me. But not her. No, she couldn’t stand me, and wasn’t afraid to tell me.
On a regular basis, she chuckled, smiling sincerely for the first time in what felt like ages. I hated her because I was so fucking in love with her.
God, when Nicole hit her, Sam recalled, I didn’t know if she was alive or dead. I honestly don’t know how she survived that, seeing it. And I just kept thinking: ‘Not her too. Not her too.’
I know this sounds melodramatic, Sam warned, all ‘teen angst’ and shit, but I don’t think I would have made it if she died. Sam stared out the window, and remembered how it felt that night to watch Brooke’s life seep out of her onto the blacktop. She exhaled, and heard the tremor in her breathing.
Being with her makes it seem like everything’s okay-and that’s what scares me, Sam confessed. She even came out to see me one time at my Father’s grave, Sam reminisced, and it made it hurt less. I got the feeling that he was happy for me.
I’m sure he is, Sam, Dr. Halley assured her.
I-- Sam stammered. This was the hardest part. I feel like I’m losing him again.
Dr. Halley again waited for her to continue. Mom is marrying Mike. They’ve become a family. We’ve become a family.
I looked at him the other day. Mom was talking about Dad, and I looked up at Mike without thinking.
Do you know why?
Sam nodded, the tears blurring her view of the window. It’s my fault.
Why, Sam?
Sam sniffed. I don’t know what I’d choose, she divulged. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, and the tears fell freely. She thought this was supposed to make her feel better?
Choose? Choose what, Sam?
I always fantasized that I could get my Dad back somehow: she said, a genie would grant me a wish, or maybe they’d invent time travel and I could go back and detect it earlier...
And then one day I realized that if I did that I wouldn’t have Brooke, she revealed. Yeah, I might know her, but I certainly wouldn’t be with her. Mom and Mike would have never met on that cruise, we wouldn’t have moved to The Palace, Mac wouldn’t be here, and Brooke would despise me-just like she always did.
And for a split second, I didn’t know what my choice would be...
She fought back the tears, because that wasn’t the worst of it. She’d come this far: she might as well lay it all out for the world to see. No, she retched from inside of her-her voice sounding as hollow as she felt, that’s not true. I did know what my choice would be. She put her face in her hands, not daring to see the look of condemnation in the Doctor’s eyes. Jesus!
And I’m so afraid I’m going to lose Brooke-as punishment for that. And I deserve it! Because what kind of daughter am I?
Sam, Dr. Halley attempted to halt the spiral.
No! she screamed. It’s true! It doesn’t last-nothing ever lasts! There are no happy endings!
My dad’s ending sucked, and-- her voice cracked as hysteria threatened to overwhelm her, what’s his epithet?
His own daughter forgot him! she answered her own question, pleading the prosecution’s case against herself. And if she had the chance to bring him back she wouldn’t-because she’s happier without him!
I told him I’d never forget him! she wailed, the hypocrisy of her actions like a mirror to her soul. I sat there as he died and told him I’d love him forever!
FUCK! her shrill cry echoed through the office. She clawed at her face as she sat there. Memories flooded her without warning, moments that at the time seemed insignificant: visiting her father at the paper, or going out for ice cream or hot dogs-or something stupid that had been so great simply because he’d been there with her.
In her mind’s eye she could see him smiling at her. God, what would he say to her now: knowing how she turned out?
Sam? the Doctor’s voice reached out to her, pleading.
In the memories he was still smiling. Sam sat there, wanting him to see the real her-the failure she had turned out to be.
But he was still smiling, like he always did...
Listen to me, Dr. Halley commanded, you didn’t choose for your father to die. You would never make that choice.
Sam shook her head. She knew what the doctor was going to say: something no doubt aimed at making her feel better. Fat chance.
You didn’t choose a new family over him, Sam. That’s the path your life took-after you lost him so quickly, and so unfairly.
Sam looked up. No one ever called it unfair. And why? Damn right it was unfair. He was her Dad. She loved him more than anything in the world.
He would want you to move on-to be happy.
He wouldn’t want me to forget him!
You haven’t forgotten him.
I have!
No, Sam, Dr. Halley countered, you haven’t. How could you?
Dr. Halley smiled. You’re Dad loved you-loves you still, she added. And he knows you loved him.
He’s gone. He knows that you have to move on to be happy-even if that means having a new family. Especially if it means having a new family. He doesn’t want you to hurt, Sam.
Sam felt the tears coming again, and she didn’t fight it. She lowered her head and cried like she did at the dinner table. But it was better this time: with the tears went the pain and the poison.
Can I get you anything, Sam?
She debated with herself for a moment. To hell with it. Can you get Brooke? she pleaded.
Dr. Halley leaned over to the desk phone. Beatrice, can you ask Brooke to come in--
The door burst open so fast the change in atmospheric pressure ruffled the papers on the desk. The blonde surveyed the scene in a flash, and shut the door behind her. She went immediately to Sam and cradled the brunette in her arms.
It’s all right, Sammy, she said. I’ve got you. Brooke pressed her lips to Sam’s hair, and then remembered they had company.
Um, she began, there’s something I need to tell you, Dr. Halley. Sam and I are--
I told her, a muffled voice called out from her chest.
Good, Brooke said, and squeezed the brunette tighter.
After a few moments the tears subsided, and Sam sat up. She took Brooke’s hand because it made her feel better, and because she could. Apparently I have some issues, Sam revealed.
Brooke, to her credit, stayed silent-merely raising an eyebrow.
Sam couldn’t help but smile. Ha-ha, she said.
I didn’t say anything! Brooke protested indignantly.
You didn’t have to, Sam chuckled.
Sam, we both know I’m the crazy one, Brooke insisted.
Shall I book you for next week, Brooke? Dr. Halley quipped.
No, Brooke grinned, I’ve made peace with crazy.
I don’t have to do this again next week, do I? Sam lamented. I don’t think I can take it.
I would like to see you again, Dr. Halley replied. But it can be when you feel up to it.
Sam nodded, and turned to her girlfriend. One of the things I discovered is that I worry that you’re not really gay.
Brooke arched an eyebrow. Do I have to rip your pants off right here and prove how gay I am?
Brooke! Sam admonished, turning beat red. Did she delight in doing that?
She did, didn’t she?
She seems pretty gay to me, Sam, Dr. Halley opined with a laugh.
See? the blonde affirmed, and that’s from a professional.
Sam smirked, amazed at the changes in her girlfriend over the last year-from the Brooke McQueen who was so afraid of being different in even the slightest way.
Are you really okay? Brooke asked. I could hear you yelling, the blonde frowned. Mom and Dad had to restrain me.
Sam chuckled.
Yeaaahhh, Brooke acknowledged, if Mom was wondering before...
Oh, and my Dad wants to set you up with some brunette at the coffee shop near the office, she added.
Is she cute? Sam grinned.
Oh, do I have to rip your pants off in front of Mom and Dad to prove how gay we are? There will be no Starbucks ho’s in your future, Miss McPherson. You’re mine!
Sam smiled. She wouldn’t have it any other way. Let’s go home, Sam said. The word had taken on new meaning-but it was all right. It was good.
The Doctor was right: her Dad would have wanted it this way. He loved her-he would want her life to go on.
He’d even told her that, now that she thought back. She was just too distraught to hear it at the time.
They walked hand and hand to the door. Sam stopped, and looked at their joined hands before entering the waiting room.
We could just tell them now, Brooke suggested. She nodded toward Dr. Halley: Book the whole afternoon...?
Sam said nothing. She felt extremely fragile right now, and didn’t want to let go off her lifeline. But she wasn’t ready to face the parentals right now.
She had to will her fingers to let go of Brooke’s.
Soon, the blonde reassured her. Soon-and I’ll never let go.
It was enough-enough to give her the strength to walk through that door.
* * *
Sam’s homecoming was cautiously optimistic. They greeted her at the waiting room with tentative hugs: speaking in hushed tones and cradling her gingerly like a Faberge Egg.
The ride home was quiet. The curiosity was plainly visible in Mike and her mother’s eyes, but they didn’t broach the subject. Sam decided to make a game of it, and see how long they could go without cracking and question her. She took the fact that she found this so amusing as a good sign that she was getting better.
It didn’t hurt that Brooke-gauging the direction of her father’s eyes in the rear view mirror-reached over to hold her hand.
She needed that, and could admit that to herself now. Once the blonde had said ‘I love you’ she had been irrevocably altered. Her DNA had rewired itself to include a dependence upon this other person-and it scared the hell out of her.
She remembered how sad she’d been the day they told Harrison about the two of them. Because she realized then and there that-while she didn’t want to lose his friendship-she could live without him if she had too.
At the time she’d attributed that to being in the relationship with Brooke. And while that was certainly part of it, it wasn’t the whole truth. She shut herself off when her Dad died. Sure, she was able to produce a passable imitation of her old self-and eventually her friends came to recognize the ‘Sam’ that they all knew and loved.
But it was a façade. She had never allowed herself to really need any of them-or anyone else for that matter-ever again. It was just safer that way-until a certain blonde cheerleader shattered all of her carefully constructed barriers.
So there she sat, vulnerable for the first time since she’d lost her father. She’d allowed herself to need somebody again-and apparently that frightened the hell out of her.
I guess I’ve had another breakthrough, Sam thought to herself, Wouldn’t Doctor Halley be pleased?
Sam looked down at the hand enfolding hers. It was so scary: depending on another person-to open herself up like that. Could she trust this...?
A gentle squeeze brought her eyes up to meet hazel ones studying her. She couldn’t help but grin at the smile in those eyes.
And then the blonde’s lips were moving-silently annunciated three words:
I’ve got you, she said, and those hazel eyes shone like the sun itself.
The last of her defenses fell. ‘Forever’ was now in the hand encircling her own. She made a decision then and there to surrender her heart and soul to this girl-only to realize that she’d done so ages ago.
But it was all right: she wasn’t afraid anymore.
She believed in happy endings again.