[One-shot] Fear - Part 2
[ Part one]
The next morning, Sho woke up slowly, the birds’ singings coming into his ears. He glanced at his alarm and realized that he just had two hours left before his first job for the day. Usually he would freak out because he liked to have at least four hours to get prepared; he needed to take a long shower, catch the morning news on TV and read the newspapers while having a good breakfast but since that day nothing mattered anymore. At least he had a restful night, without nightmares and that was already a great thing.
He climbed off his bed and walked into the living room. A strange scent came to tickle his nostril as he entered the living room, then sounds from the kitchen were heard. The first thought that crossed Sho’s mind was that someone was inside his apartment and a great fear run through his whole body.
“Jun?” Sho called with a hoarse voice as he saw Jun putting a frying pan into the sink. The younger man turned around as soon as he heard his name and smiled at Sho, drying his hands on his apron.
“Good morning! You’re just in time.” Jun said as he motioned Sho to sit behind the table where a huge breakfast was waiting for them.
Sho did as he was told, a bit surprised by Jun’s presence. He looked clueless at all the food in front of him then lifted his head as Jun sat opposite to him.
“I thought you may be hungry. I didn’t know what to do and since you have almost nothing in your fridge I ended up making you a western breakfast. I hope it will be okay with you?” Jun explained as he gave Sho a plate with an omelet and filled his cup with warm coffee.
“What are you doing here?” Sho asked as he watched Jun eating.
“It was late and I didn’t feel like going home. I slept into the sofa, I hope you don’t mind?” He explained before noticing that Sho hadn’t touched his plate yet.
“Did you…Did you bring me into my bed last night?” The rapper asked, the thought of being touched by Jun horrifying him.
Jun shook his head as he swallowed his breakfast. “No, you went in by yourself, you don’t remember?” He lied.
Sho just looked at his omelet as he tried to remember. Even though he was disappointed by the fact that Sho didn’t eat at all, Jun had decided that forcing him won’t be useful. He finished his breakfast in silence before standing up and putting the empty plates into the sink.
“Can I shower first?” He asked Sho as he headed towards the bathroom already.
“What are you doing here, Jun?” Sho asked finally.
“Hm? I just want to spend some time with you. Our schedules are finally a bit less hectic and I thought it was a good idea.” He answered casually.
“Bu-but we’ve broken up. We’re not together anymore.” Sho said totally lost.
“Wrong.” Jun smiled “You broke up, I didn’t. I still love you Sho and I’m sure that you love me as well.”
“Why? How do you still love me after what that man- after what happened? I’m dirty and…you may be disgusted and-” He started to say quickly, his head was a jumble of thoughts.
Jun’s face became serious. “Don’t say stupid things!” He calmed down as he saw Sho tensed at his tone. “You may feel dirty now and you can’t look at yourself without being disgusted. I can understand that. However, for me you’re still the same. You’re the man that I loved for so long and despite what you think, you’re still the purest soul I’ve ever seen.” He brushed Sho’s cheek with his thumb but Sho stepped back as soon as he felt the contact, tripped on the chair behind him and fell on the floor hard.
“Sho!” Jun moved to help him but Sho raised his forearms in front of his face in a protective way.
“Don’t!” He begged Jun who stopped his movement immediately.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Jun but I can’t bear any contact with a man. I’m really sorry.” Sho explained as tears fell down his cheeks.
Jun knelt down and smiled sadly at Sho. “Shh. It’s okay. I understand and I promise you that I won’t ever try to touch you again until you’re ready.” He whispered lovingly and raised his pinky finger as he made his promise. He smiled more genuinely as Sho lifted his eyes and looked at him, his eyes shining with hope.
Jun stood up and waited for Sho to do the same. “But in counterpart I want you to eat properly. Now please, eat your breakfast while I take a shower.”
Sho didn’t say anything and watched Jun disappear behind the bathroom’s door. He turned his gaze on the breakfast waiting for him on the table and after a few seconds of thinking he sat at the table and started to eat slowly.
Jun waited for Sho to be ready, he wanted to leave the apartment and go to work with him and show Sho that from now he would be always with him, like a guardian. In the past, Jun had spent some nights over at Sho’s and he knew that the rapper took his time to get ready, but today was different. They left the apartment two hours later and after Jun had excused themselves three times to their managers.
“What took you so long?” Jun asked as they got into the car.
Sho didn’t reply and to be honest Jun didn’t need an answer, the sounds that came from the bathroom during the second shower were already a response in itself. During all the way, Sho didn’t talk, he just spent the time looking at the landscape through the window.
“What would you like to eat tonight?” Jun tried to start a conversation.
Sho faced him but as soon as their eyes made a contact he avoided his gaze. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come.” Sho whispered unconfident.
“Why?”
Sho looked nervously at the driver, to be sure that their conversation wasn’t overheard. “I can’t stand your presence, Jun.”
That sentence hurt Jun deeply and Sho’s sad look didn’t help to feel better.
“You know that I won’t hurt you?” Jun tried to explain.
Sho rubbed his temples and sighed. “I…I’m sorry but I can’t believe that. I can’t help it but think that all the men around me want to…you know? And it’s not only that, I don’t like your pity. I already feel bad because as a man I was supposed to defend myself and I failed miserably and you’re looking at me as if I’m a poor defenseless-”
“No I’m not!” Jun cut him short angrily and so suddenly that Sho had a start.
“Sano-san could you stop the car?”
“What?” Jun asked surprised.
“I said stop the car!” Sho ordered again louder.
The driver looked at Jun through his rearview mirror as if he was silently asking for permission.
“Stop that damn car right now!” Sho burst out angrily. The car stopped right away in the middle of the road and Sho got out at lightning speed.
“Sho!” Jun followed him and had just the time to grab his forearm before a car run over Sho.
They both fall on the side, Jun on top of Sho who struggled violently to get free.
Jun let go of him while asking him to be calm. As soon as the contact broke Sho moved back and closed his arms around his chest in a protective manner and threw an icy glare at Jun.
“See?” he asked breathless. “How do you even dare to ask me to believe in you while you can’t even keep your promise to not ever touch me?”
“Sorry for not keeping my promise, next time I’ll let you die!”
They both stared at each other angrily, catching their breath. Then Jun closed his eyes and sighed deeply. “We should go back,” he started in a soft voice. “You can’t work in this state. I’ll ask Johnny-san a little break so you could recover.”
“No! Our work is the only thing that is important to me.” Sho argued, almost begged Jun.
“And you’re the only person important to me.” Jun replied back seriously, surprising Sho and leaving him speechless.
Jun took a few steps and knelt in front of Sho. “Let’s go back.” He smiled sadly and offered a hand to Sho who watched him silently for a few seconds before standing up, ignoring Jun’s hand. They both got into the car parked on the side, ignoring people’s strange looks.
The way back to Sho’s apartment was quiet, they didn’t talk to each other at all, and only Jun’s voice could be heard when he called the agency. It was hard for him to convince the president to give them a break without giving him the reasons but thanks to Jun’s willpower and natural charm, Johnny gave in in the end.
As soon as they get inside the apartment and closed the front door, Jun watched Sho closing himself into his bedroom without a word. He sighed and took off his coat, that’s when he realized he had missed several calls and he couldn’t help but smile sadly as he checked the phone numbers.
Jun felt guilty, awfully guilty; towards him, Sho and the rest of the group. Arashi was important for Jun just like the other and asking for a break without talking about it with the other three was an horrible thing to do but Sho was more important and in the end if Sho couldn’t recover, Arashi wouldn’t be the same Arashi they all loved so much anyway.
A few hours had passed when Jun knocked softly at Sho’s bedroom door. “What do you want to eat?”
Jun sighed knowing he wouldn’t get an answer but still he felt useless and a bit scared.
“If you want to be mad at me you can but at least say something so that I know you’re still alive.” He couldn’t help but used an angry tone. Yes he was mad at Sho for closing himself, for not letting Jun to help him even though as he read on the internet loneliness was usually an after effect with such a trauma, he was still mad at Sho.
“I know I’m useless and defenseless but I’m not stupid!” He heard Sho’s voice from the other side of the door.
At least Jun was reassured; Sho didn’t have the idea of doing something stupid. Just when he was going to ask something Jun heard someone knocked at the door. He wasn’t really surprised to see three familiar faces when he opened it.
They entered without being invited; it wasn’t like they needed it anyway. What surprised Jun the most was Ohno’s red and teary eyes; he had expected Masaki to be crying but definitely not their leader.
“Johnny-san called us.” Nino said as he closed the door behind him.
“He said that we’re on a break for a little while.” Aiba added.
“Listen guys, I’m really sorry I didn’t talk to you about it before calling Johnny-san but-” Jun started to explain but was cut short by Ohno.
“Is Sho-chan alright?”
Jun was taken aback for a few seconds, before smiling genuinely. No matter how much they loved the group, the main reason they cared so much was because they were friends and their health came before anything else, even the group’s activities.
“He’s physically healthy.” Jun nodded and he saw the three men sigh from relief.
Until Nino realized something strange in Jun’s answer. “Physically?”
Jun ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed. He really wanted to tell his friends what was going on because he knew how worried they were; the previous day he was just like them, worried without knowing anything. However he also knew that Sho didn’t want them to know and if there were people in the world that Sho wanted to keep it as a secret except from his family it was definitely Arashi. “I’m sorry guys, I can’t tell you. Maybe one day Sho will explain it by himself but right now he-”
“We don’t need to know what’s going on if we can’t help him,” Ohno said seriously “Just promise me that you’ll take care of him.”
Jun chuckled softly and rested a hand on Ohno’s shoulder. “I’m already taking care of him, Leader.”
Ohno nodded and smiled genuinely for the first time since they had entered the apartment. Jun realized that Masaki have been particularly quiet and just as he turned around to face him he saw the tall guy resting his face against Sho’s bedroom.
“Please get well soon, okay Sho-chan?” Masaki said softly. “We’re worried but it’s okay take your time to recover. We’ll wait for you and if you need anything you know you can call us, anytime.” He looked at Jun and smiled before adding “I’m sure Jun-chan will take care of you very well.”
Jun wasn’t the type of guy to show his feelings easily but hearing Aiba’s encouraging words to him and Sho moved him deeply, that’s why when Aiba passed by his side as the three of them left the apartment, Jun gave him a strong hug.
“Call us anytime you need Jun.” Nino said as he patted Jun’s back.
“J-Jun…” Ohno trailed off, his bottom lip trembling.
“Oh oh! I think it’s time for us to go!” Nino exclaimed as he grabbed Ohno’s shoulders strongly and leaded him towards the exit “He doesn’t cry much but when he had started it’s hard for us to stop him.”
Jun chuckled again and waved them goodbye before closing the door. He rested his forehead against the wooden door and sighed deeply. It felt good to see them, even though he didn’t tell them Sho’s secret he felt lighter.
“Are they gone?” He heard a soft voice in his back.
Jun turned around and saw that Sho had finally left his room. Again the rapper was wearing his old grey sweatpants, as if it were the only clothes he was comfortable in.
Jun nodded and noticed the teary eyes.
“I’m sorry Jun,” Jun’s eyes fell on Sho’s clenched fists. “I’m really sorry for making you all worried.”
“Shh,” Jun walked slowly towards Sho and stopped a few feet away, hoping that the distance between their bodies were bearable for Sho. “Didn’t you hear Masaki earlier? He said that it’s okay. Take your time and focus only on you. It’s true that we’re all worried but that’s because we care and if you really want to help us then try to recover.”
Sho lowered his face as tears came down his cheeks, his fists trembling. “I don’t think I will. I can’t do it, not this time. It’s too hard, too painful.”
Each sobs broke Jun’s heart but he needed to be strong for the both of them. “I think you’re wrong. I know you Sho. You’re brave and strong. You can do anything if you want it. Maybe you don’t know who you are anymore right now, I can understand that. You don’t know how to react, you don’t know who you can trust but I know you Sho and I’m sure that you’ll make it.”
Sho didn’t reply at Jun’s earnest words and the younger man understood very well his reaction. This kind of recovering will take time but with Jun’s help, Sho will feel better. Jun made that promise to himself.
They spend the rest of the day in the living room, Jun making dinner and Sho watching TV (Jun insisted that he should stay in the living room). They didn’t talk to each other at all, Jun had tried to bring a few topics to discuss but Sho only hummed in response, telling Jun that he wasn’t really in a mood to talk.
When dinner was ready, Jun called Sho but there were no answer. A quick glance at the sofa and Jun realized that his boyfriends had fallen asleep. It was a good thing because the rapper looked really tired these past few days, a good rest was what he needed. Carefully, Jun grabbed the blanket on the top at the sofa and covered Sho’s sleeping form. He watched him sleep, smiling softly and with a look full of emotions. He would have stayed here if only his phone didn’t ring suddenly. Jun grabbed it quickly and pressed the button, looking at Sho direction and making sure that he was still asleep.
“Leader?” Jun whispered, a bit surprised. Ohno wasn’t the type to call his band mates usually but maybe he wanted some news from Sho.
“Ah Jun,” Ohno’s sleepy voice came through the line.
“Something’s wrong?”
“No, not at all! I just wanted to tell you that we will take care of the press conference which will be held in two days. You don’t have to worry about that.”
Jun smiled, he didn’t think about giving a press conference at all. “Thank you Ohno-kun but there’s no need to call me, a simple message would have been enough you know?”
“Ah right,” Jun could tell how much Ohno was embarrassed and it was hard to embarrass Ohno Satoshi. “I just wanted to…hear your voice, you know?”
“Yeah I see.” Jun lied but couldn’t stop smiling. “Sho-san is sleeping right now.”
“Good, he seemed tired recently.”
They both remained silent for a while until Ohno decided that it was time to hang up.
Jun looked at his phone and chuckled, Ohno wasn’t their leader for nothing. With a quick glance at the clock Jun realized that it was already 10 p.m. Sho was still asleep and after working so hard in the kitchen he wanted to take a long and hot shower. He closed the bathroom door carefully and started to run the water in the shower. Jun let the hot water slid down his tired body; all the mental tiredness was leaving him little by little. It was a hard task for Jun to take care of Sho; emotionally speaking but also physically. It took everything inside him to suppress the need to hold his boyfriend in his arms. What could he do to help him? He had promise to not touch him but how did you show your presence to someone when you couldn’t touch him?
Totally lost in his thoughts, Jun didn’t realize that he had spent almost 45 minutes inside the shower.
Jun got out from the bathroom and freaked out when he saw that Sho wasn’t on the sofa anymore. A soft click of the door behind him could be heard and Jun recognized the sound of footsteps inside Sho’s bedroom.
“Sho?” He called, a strange feeling washing over his body.
From the corner of his eyes he saw a white paper on the dining table and quickly he walked to grab it. It was Sho’s handwriting.
“Jun,
I’m sorry but I’m not hungry. Also please don’t judge me for locking my door but I still can’t trust anybody.
Sakurai”
As something wet fell on the paper and his vision becoming blurry Jun realized that he was crying. So that was how Sho felt? That sensation of loneliness? As he sat behind the table Jun looked around, he scanned the empty and quiet apartment with his eyes and the feeling of loneliness became heavier. Was it really a protective move from Sho? How could he feel better while Jun only felt worse? It wasn’t the right thing to do. Sho needed a presence, somebody by his side in order to tell him and show him that he wasn’t alone.
Jun looked at the bedroom door, determined. He wiped his tears and stood up, his feet firm on the floor. He sat in front of the door and leant against it, knocking softly.
“Sho? Are you asleep yet?”
There was no response.
“I need to talk. You can just listen to me if you want, but I really need to talk with you.”
Jun started a long monologue. He told Sho how he felt, how much it hurt him to be so close and yet so far from the one he loved. He apologized for not being there to protect him that night and also admitted how much he hated himself for not being able to help him right now.
“It’s killing me Sho. I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss your presence Sho. I’ve never told you that before but when you’re by my side I feel confident, more secure. The more vivid memory I have of that feeling is during our first concert, when we held each other hands.”
Jun raised his hand before his eyes “I can still feel the strong grip you had around my hand and I can clearly remember that bright smile you gave me while our fans screamed our name. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that’s the moment I’ve fallen for you.”
Jun rested his palm against the cold wooden door. “I miss you.”
Maybe it was because he was tired, or even hopeless enough that his ears played a trick on him but as he closed his eyes, tired from his cries, Jun heard a muffle sound coming right from behind the door; “I miss you too.”
The next morning Jun woke up slowly, the sunlight caressing his face and a soft melody playing in the air. He didn’t open his eyes but just woke up little by little, his brain registering the melody. Piano? He thought as he moved slowly, his body adjusting the door frame. It seemed like he had fallen asleep against the door the night before.
As consciousness hit his brain, Jun realized that the melody came from in front of him; he knew the song played but he couldn’t find the title; just some bribes of lyrics playing in his head. An English song…
‘Save me’
Jun opened his eyes suddenly as he remembered the song. His eyes fell upon Sho. He was the one playing. Jun just saw his back but just with the intensity Sho used on the piano’s keys, Jun felt how much Sho was desperate.
Quietly Jun stood up and approached Sho from behind, his bare feet almost sliding onto the wooden floor. He moved on the side to take a look at Sho’s face. Jun didn’t know if he saw him because he was so focused on hitting the keys. It hit Jun, that force he had on his face, that determination he loved so much were back as Sho played the song, Jun could almost hear Sho’s voice singing the lyrics. Just one word came in Jun’s head: beautiful.
The song slowed down until the final key was hit. They both stood there silent, until Sho lifted his head and looked right into Jun’s eyes.
“I will.” Jun said simply; in response to Sho musical plead.
“I’m sorry.” Sho whispered. By the confused look Jun gave him, he added “I’m sorry for asking you such a selfish request.”
“This is what lovers do, right?” Jun smiled; he wanted to caress his face but he knew that this simple gesture could ruin everything.
“How can you still love me after…after…he had”
“I can’t explain it.” Jun cut him short as he saw the anger burning into Sho’s eyes. “I love you, maybe even more, and to me this is all that matter.”
Sho’s eyes fell upon Jun’s hand that rested on top of the piano, Jun noticed the way Sho bit his lower lip as if he was debating with his inner self. Jun retrieved his hand and ran it through his hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Sho shook his head. “One day maybe…”
Jun nodded once and offered Sho to make breakfast, despite Sho’s reticence they ended in the kitchen, Sho sat behind the worktop while Jun was cooking. Jun felt Sho’s gaze on his back, the idol watching carefully his every movement.
“Why did you choose this song? And how did you learn it so quickly?” Jun asked casually, trying to find a topic to discuss.
Sho shrugged “I don’t really know. Yesterday night as I fall asleep this song came in my mind. I’ve never particularly liked that song; it was just a song you know?”
Jun nodded silently, he was so glad that Sho was finally talking normally again. “Also this is the first time that I play a song right without practice, as if…it came naturally.”
Jun brought a plate of toasts and two cup of warm coffee, Sho really needed to buy food. They started to eat in silence, for once Sho didn’t refuse to eat. As he took a sip of his coffee Jun asked “What will you do now?”
Sho lifted his face and looked at Jun questionably, still chewing on his toast.
“I mean, you’ve been to the police station already, right?”
Sho coughed as he tried to shallow what he had in his mouth. He shook his head vigorously “No and I won’t!” He said firmly.
“Why?” Jun asked, dumbfounded. “You need to tell them so they can arrest him and prevent another attempt.”
“They won’t believe me Jun! And have you thought about the media? They’ll know it and who knows what will happen to me or the group!”
“But Sho you have to-”
“I said no and that’s that!” Sho ended the talk, angrily.
They both ate in silence; only the sounds of the plates could be heard. Once they finished their breakfast Jun went to pick the plates but Sho did it first, telling Jun to relax a bit while he washed the dishes. At first Jun offered his help but the look in Sho’s eyes, almost begging him to let him doing it, stopped Jun.
The younger man sat in the sofa, turning the TV on. He wasn’t really interested in whatever was playing on the screen, from the corner of his eyes he was staring at Sho who cleaned the dishes carefully. That strange habit of him always intrigued Jun. He had read that some victims developed a cleaning habit after the incident, their brain always giving the order to clean anything that was dirty and Jun noticed that Sho had that habit, just by watching the state of this apartment or even the time Sho took when he showered. This habit would disappear when the victim would find peace again and Jun vowed to himself to do anything to help Sho.
Once he had finished cleaning, Sho dry his hands with a tea towel and went into the living room where Jun was pretending to watch TV. Jun’s heart sank when he realized that Sho didn’t sit next to him but on the farthest couch opposite to him.
Just a few minutes had passed when Sho sighed heavily.
“Are we going to stay here all day long and watch TV?”
“Do you want to get out?” Jun offered.
Sho shook his head vigorously and lowered his eyes. Jun had the same idea than Sho; being in Arashi they were used to have an hectic schedule and not even a minute to get bored, the simple thought of having one day of rest was just a dream but now that they were on a break, after only two days they were totally bored and with Sho’s trauma there weren’t a lot of activities to do.
At least they could talk but Sho wasn’t very talkative to say the least. They just spend their time watching TV, making dinner or reading books.
But as each day passed Jun could clearly see an evolution. One day Sho would talk a bit more or even start a conversation. Another day it was the sound of a wonderful melody played on the piano that replaced the sounds of TV. One of the best improvements was when Sho came out of the bathroom one day wearing a plain white tee-shirt and a pair of blue jeans; the grey sweat pants were finally forgotten. Also, Jun noticed how Sho became closer to him as if little by little he was trusting him again; his usual spot on the opposite couch became at first the couch at Jun’s right side, then the same sofa as Jun and soon, having Sho sitting near him without being tensed became an habit Jun wouldn’t believe to feel ever again. He had gained weight again and after a few weeks the round cheeks were coming back little by little, thanks to Jun’s delicious meals. Every time it was Sho who made the first move because Jun wanted to follow Sho’s rhythm and it was the best way to show him that he could trust Jun heartedly.
However one day, everything had been ruined in the blink of an eye.
Jun and Sho were chatting carelessly in the sofa, eating ice cream while watching TV. They shared their opinion about that stupid girl that was running after the man she secretly loved while the main male character was doing everything to get her.
“Another triangle love.” Sho sighed as he engulfed his ice cream.
“You know that’s what viewers want to watch, you can’t help it.” Jun explained as he turned the page of his book.
The drama finally ended and they both fell silent during the commercials. Jun was totally absorbed in his book while Sho was waiting for the news to show up. Jun’s brain registered the opening theme of the news program but didn’t really care; the detective in his book was on the edge to arrest the criminal. However his brain froze when he felt a hand holding his tightly. Jun lowered his book and watched their hands connected with a huge smile, his heart beating fast in his chest. Finally, after all this time they had a skin contact. Yet, Jun lost his smile when he lifted his gaze and saw Sho’s behavior. The rapper’s body was still and his face was horribly pale, his eyes focused on the TV screen.
“Sho?” Jun called softly as if he was afraid to scare him, but Sho didn’t reply.
Jun looked at the TV, hoping he would understand what made Sho in this state. The newscaster was talking about a missing person, a mild-aged man. His wife was crying on the screen, begging anybody that had seen her husband to call the police.
As the newscaster gave the details about the missing man, Jun felt how Sho’s fingers curled around his hand; it was so tight that it started to hurt him.
When Jun asked him what was wrong, Sho opened his mouth slightly, his lips trembling as he tried to find how to speak.
“H-him. Tha-that face. I can’t forget it.” He stuttered as tears formed in his eyes.
“What?”
Sho stood up suddenly, looking around like a mad man. “He’s here for me!”
“Calm down Sho. Calm down. No one is here for you.” Jun followed Sho in his crazy run around the apartment.
“He will do it again. He hadn’t had enough. Maybe he wants to kill me because I know his face but I didn’t go to the police. I won’t!”
“Sho!” Jun called him loudly as he grabbed his both shoulders and tried to calm him.
“I don’t want to feel his hands on me again! I won’t bear it again! Not again!” Tears fell down his cheeks as reason left Sho’s body. Jun’s grip was strong around Sho’s shoulders and he tried his best to calm him down with soothing words.
“Don’t worry. No one will ever hurt you again, you hear me? I’m here with you. You don’t have to fear anything Sho.”
The words seemed to calm Sho a bit; he looked straight into Jun’s eyes, his body still trembling.
Jun let go of one shoulder to grab the remote and turned the TV off then he forced Sho to sit at the table, grabbed another chair and sat in front of him.
“Did you hear what they said? He’s been missing for a week if he wanted to get you he would have already made a move, don’t you think?”
Sho nodded slowly, his breath becoming normal again. Jun sighed, stood up and headed to the kitchen. He took a glass of water and went into the bathroom before coming back and offered Sho the glass with a pill.
Sho pushed the hand holding the pill away. “I don’t want it if I start medication now I don’t know what will happen.” Sho refused it sternly.
“It’s just for this time. You need some dreamless sleep Sho.”
Sho pondered about the possibilities.
“You trust me, right? You know that I would give you meds only if I think it’s good for you and right now I think it is.” Jun said calmly as he put the sleeping pill into Sho’s hand and the glass of water on the table.
Sho ran a hand over his face and quickly took the pill before he changed his mind. He looked at Jun with a strange glint in his eyes and for a second Jun thought that he had seen the Sho he had knew before, this kind of face as if he was telling Jun ‘See? I did as you asked. Are you satisfied?’ a mix between a tease and a pout. Instinctively Jun brought his hand over Sho’s cheek and for a second he hesitated, but Sho closed his eyes slightly and leaned into Jun’s hand. The touch was brief and innocent but it felt so good; feeling that warmth again, that fair and soft skin under his fingers; Jun only realized at that moment how much he had missed it.
He watched Sho leaving the living room and closed the door behind him, as always the click telling Jun that the door was locked resonated into his ears. It seemed like Sho didn’t totally trust him in the end. Jun stayed there for a moment, thinking hard about all the things he had learned. Finally he knew what the man who hurt Sho looked like. He wasn’t as horrible as he had thought. To be honest the man looked normal, not a serial killer or something like that as he had imagined but to Sho he must be the ugliest monster on Earth.
With a glance at the clock Jun realized how late it was already, he needed to do some things before dinner time. Sho was certainly sound asleep by now so it wouldn’t be a problem to leave the apartment for an hour or two; it was hard to leave because Sho refused to be alone most of the time.
Quietly Jun picked his wallet, his keys and his jacket and headed towards the door. When he opened it he stopped when three faces greeted him.
“Hi!” Masaki said cheerfully while waving his hand.
Jun stepped back and made room for the three other to enter.
“You look awful.” Nino had always been kind with his friendly comments.
“That’s what you get when you sleep in a sofa for weeks.” Jun replied tiredly.
They headed to the living room and sat in the couches.
“You haven’t gone home until now?” Ohno asked a bit surprised.
Jun shook his head once ‘He wouldn’t let me which is a funny fact because at first he wanted me to leave.”
“How is he doing?” They both asked in unison and that made Jun chuckled.
“Better. He eats and talks normally again and just yesterday he tried to work on new lyrics for his next rap.” Jun smiled, pleased to share the improvements.
He could see the relief on his friends’ face. “Where is he?” Aiba asked.
“Well,” Jun started hesitantly, throwing a glance at Sho’s bedroom. “He’s sleeping right now. You choose the wrong time to come actually because something happened and he’s a bit upset.”
“You still won’t tell us what happened?” Nino asked at his turn. It wasn’t a reproach just a statement.
Jun shook his head and sighed. “This is not me who should tell you. I don’t know if Sho will ever tell you and I’m really sorry but-”
Ohno raised his hand in the air. “Don’t apologize. We all have our secrets. However if we can do something to help the both of you just say it.”
“Actually,” Jun started hesitantly, glancing at his watch. “I have to go to my apartment to pick some new clothes and also I need to stop by the store to buy groceries.”
“And you want us to stay here and keep an eye on Sho-chan, right?” Aiba smiled brightly.
Jun nodded and deduced by their smiles that they all agreed to his request. Without wasting a second he took his stuff and headed towards the main door. “Ah! Do you want to eat with us tonight? I’m sure Sho will be glad to see you after such a long time.”
“Mm…spending a night with the five of us and eating Jun’s delicious handmade dinner? I wonder why I still ponder about this.” Nino replied as he rubbed his chin in a false wondering manner.
Jun chuckled before leaving; he will need more food that planned.
He felt guilty to feel this way but the rare times Jun could get out from Sho’s apartment he felt relieved as if the burden of Sho’s trauma left him as soon as he had passed through the front door. Jun really felt bad for thinking this way because he was sure that Sho felt ten times worse and that sensation never left him since that night. Most of the times Jun dreamed of the days where he and Sho would live together normally again, and deep inside of him he was scared that those days wouldn’t come.
On the other hand, being away from Sho gave him a strange feeling and Jun surprised himself when he realized that he tried to do what he had to as fast as possible. He didn’t waste a minute into his apartment and hurriedly headed to the nearest store.
When he had picked enough food to feed an army Jun went to the checkout. As he waited the headlines of a gossips’ magazine caught his attention.
“Bullshit…” He whispered as his eyes run over the article. It was about Arashi, of course. Being on a break didn’t mean they weren’t the target of those magazines anymore; on the contrary it was the opposite. But this time it was a bit well-founded. The article gave a theory about Arashi’s break, explaining that maybe it was the start of a definite breaking from the group after some witnesses reported that they’ve seen Matsumoto Jun and Sakurai Sho having a fight in the street a few days before Arashi’s break was announced.
Jun remember that moment very well. True that scene could be a good explanation but Jun knew the truth and as soon as Sho would feel better Arashi would restart their activity.
“Sir?” The female voice startled Jun who put the magazine back on the box and paid the cashier before leaving.
Jun stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath before turning the doorknob. He felt a bit scared to enter; what happened while he was away? Was Sho alright? Was he still asleep? Jun blamed himself for being so overprotective; Sho wasn’t a child anymore and being like this wouldn’t be helpful.
Though when he entered Jun didn’t find the heavy mood he was expecting. Ohno, Aiba and Nino were in the living room chatting happily but quietly so they didn’t disturb Sho’s sleep.
Jun removed his shoes and joined the others in the living room.
“He’s still asleep?” Jun asked a bit worried.
They nodded and resumed their talk. Jun went into the kitchen to put the groceries away and prepared some snack and warm tea for them and himself.
It felt good to chat casually with them, even laugh. Even though Sho had been better those few days, Jun missed the sound of laughter in this apartment. Until now there hadn’t been a joke, a laugh or a smile before the three others came in. As he sipped his tea Jun secretly wished that he would soon hear Sho’s laugh again.
As if the Devil wanted to play a prank on Jun, as soon as he made his wish Sho’s voice resonated into the apartment. Unfortunately it wasn’t what Jun was expecting.
“No!”
The four men froze when they heard Sho’s screams.
“What’s going on?” Ohno asked as Jun stood up in one jump from his seat.
“No, please! Jun! Jun!”
Jun tried to turn the doorknob before remembering that Sho had closed the door. As Sho called him louder and louder Jun started to panic. He charged at the door using all his might. Once. Twice.
“Jun!” This time Nino called him.
Another try.
“You will hurt yourself.” Aiba added worriedly.
Though Jun didn’t care. All that mattered was that Sho was on the other side calling him helplessly and that damn door was the only obstacle.
Finally the sound of wood being broken could be heard and with one final charge Jun opened the door, the force he used was so strong that he fell on the floor. He stood up quickly and run towards the bed where Sho was struggling with the bed sheets and still screaming Jun’s name.
“I’m here. Sho! Wake up! I’m here!” Jun shook Sho’s body gently at first and more strongly when the older one didn’t wake up. The other three men were watching the scene helplessly. They wanted to help as well but something deep inside them told them that this moment belonged only to the both of them.
“Sho!” Jun called with a firm shake and Sho’s eyes opened wide and fell upon Jun’s face right away.
“I’m here,” Jun whispered.
His face covered with sweats from his nightmare Sho stared at Jun for a second before tears started to fall down his cheeks and he hugged Jun tightly.
“You came! This time you came.” Sho cried against Jun’s chest.
Jun was at a loss for words and just stood there, sitting on the side of the bed hugging Sho tightly. They remained in this position for a while until Sho’s cries subsided.
“I’m sorry I broke your door.” Jun said out of the blue, not knowing what he could say in this situation.
“I don’t care.” Sho replied between two breaths still not letting go of Jun.
Sho’s eyes opened when he heard a sound coming from the living room. He froze when he saw the rest of the band at the door.
“Th-they saw me,”
“Shh it’s okay.” Jun tried to reassure him.
“They know.” He said sadly his eyes never leaving Aiba’s worried face.
“Maybe not,” Jun started to explain as he pushed Sho a bit to look into his eyes. “And even if they know, they won’t judge you. They’re our friends, so it’s okay.”
“B-but…” Sho tried to counter.
“It’s okay Sho. Now get ready we will have dinner together.” Jun ordered gently as he let go of Sho and stood up, leaving no chance to Sho to argue.
Nino, Aiba and Ohno watched Sho heading to the bathroom; the latter walking his face down not daring to look at them.
“Hi Sho-chan.” Satoshi tried but it only resulted in Sho walking faster and closing himself into the bathroom.
“God damn it, Jun! What happened?” Nino burst angrily. “Don’t tell me he had been in this state for the past weeks?!”
Jun headed to the kitchen without saying anything. He started to prepare dinner silently.
“Jun!” Nino called him again.
“Yes he had!” Jun put down his knife angrily and turned around, facing his band mates and throwing them an angry look. He was really tired of all of this.
“Maybe we should leave,” Ohno pondered, feeling uneasy.
“No!” Jun refused right away. He sighed and added sadly as he resumed his cooking “Being nice and slow doesn’t work as well as I thought. I think I need to force Sho a bit.” He hated the thought of forcing him, scared of hurting his boyfriend but he hadn’t another choice.
“I’ll help you. What can I do?” Aiba offered as he grabbed an apron and stood by Jun’s side.
Jun smiled slightly at him and told Aiba what he could do to help. A few minutes later, the four of them where working in the kitchen.
“Honestly we’re not here only to say hi,” Ohno said as he set the table.
Jun put the dishes on the table and stared at Ohno silently, waiting for more explanation.
“The truth is that we had a call from Johnny-san today.” Ohno sat as Nino and Aiba. Jun did the same, his heart beating faster.
“He wants us to resume our activity by the end of next week.”
[ Part 3]
The next morning, Sho woke up slowly, the birds’ singings coming into his ears. He glanced at his alarm and realized that he just had two hours left before his first job for the day. Usually he would freak out because he liked to have at least four hours to get prepared; he needed to take a long shower, catch the morning news on TV and read the newspapers while having a good breakfast but since that day nothing mattered anymore. At least he had a restful night, without nightmares and that was already a great thing.
He climbed off his bed and walked into the living room. A strange scent came to tickle his nostril as he entered the living room, then sounds from the kitchen were heard. The first thought that crossed Sho’s mind was that someone was inside his apartment and a great fear run through his whole body.
“Jun?” Sho called with a hoarse voice as he saw Jun putting a frying pan into the sink. The younger man turned around as soon as he heard his name and smiled at Sho, drying his hands on his apron.
“Good morning! You’re just in time.” Jun said as he motioned Sho to sit behind the table where a huge breakfast was waiting for them.
Sho did as he was told, a bit surprised by Jun’s presence. He looked clueless at all the food in front of him then lifted his head as Jun sat opposite to him.
“I thought you may be hungry. I didn’t know what to do and since you have almost nothing in your fridge I ended up making you a western breakfast. I hope it will be okay with you?” Jun explained as he gave Sho a plate with an omelet and filled his cup with warm coffee.
“What are you doing here?” Sho asked as he watched Jun eating.
“It was late and I didn’t feel like going home. I slept into the sofa, I hope you don’t mind?” He explained before noticing that Sho hadn’t touched his plate yet.
“Did you…Did you bring me into my bed last night?” The rapper asked, the thought of being touched by Jun horrifying him.
Jun shook his head as he swallowed his breakfast. “No, you went in by yourself, you don’t remember?” He lied.
Sho just looked at his omelet as he tried to remember. Even though he was disappointed by the fact that Sho didn’t eat at all, Jun had decided that forcing him won’t be useful. He finished his breakfast in silence before standing up and putting the empty plates into the sink.
“Can I shower first?” He asked Sho as he headed towards the bathroom already.
“What are you doing here, Jun?” Sho asked finally.
“Hm? I just want to spend some time with you. Our schedules are finally a bit less hectic and I thought it was a good idea.” He answered casually.
“Bu-but we’ve broken up. We’re not together anymore.” Sho said totally lost.
“Wrong.” Jun smiled “You broke up, I didn’t. I still love you Sho and I’m sure that you love me as well.”
“Why? How do you still love me after what that man- after what happened? I’m dirty and…you may be disgusted and-” He started to say quickly, his head was a jumble of thoughts.
Jun’s face became serious. “Don’t say stupid things!” He calmed down as he saw Sho tensed at his tone. “You may feel dirty now and you can’t look at yourself without being disgusted. I can understand that. However, for me you’re still the same. You’re the man that I loved for so long and despite what you think, you’re still the purest soul I’ve ever seen.” He brushed Sho’s cheek with his thumb but Sho stepped back as soon as he felt the contact, tripped on the chair behind him and fell on the floor hard.
“Sho!” Jun moved to help him but Sho raised his forearms in front of his face in a protective way.
“Don’t!” He begged Jun who stopped his movement immediately.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Jun but I can’t bear any contact with a man. I’m really sorry.” Sho explained as tears fell down his cheeks.
Jun knelt down and smiled sadly at Sho. “Shh. It’s okay. I understand and I promise you that I won’t ever try to touch you again until you’re ready.” He whispered lovingly and raised his pinky finger as he made his promise. He smiled more genuinely as Sho lifted his eyes and looked at him, his eyes shining with hope.
Jun stood up and waited for Sho to do the same. “But in counterpart I want you to eat properly. Now please, eat your breakfast while I take a shower.”
Sho didn’t say anything and watched Jun disappear behind the bathroom’s door. He turned his gaze on the breakfast waiting for him on the table and after a few seconds of thinking he sat at the table and started to eat slowly.
Jun waited for Sho to be ready, he wanted to leave the apartment and go to work with him and show Sho that from now he would be always with him, like a guardian. In the past, Jun had spent some nights over at Sho’s and he knew that the rapper took his time to get ready, but today was different. They left the apartment two hours later and after Jun had excused themselves three times to their managers.
“What took you so long?” Jun asked as they got into the car.
Sho didn’t reply and to be honest Jun didn’t need an answer, the sounds that came from the bathroom during the second shower were already a response in itself. During all the way, Sho didn’t talk, he just spent the time looking at the landscape through the window.
“What would you like to eat tonight?” Jun tried to start a conversation.
Sho faced him but as soon as their eyes made a contact he avoided his gaze. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to come.” Sho whispered unconfident.
“Why?”
Sho looked nervously at the driver, to be sure that their conversation wasn’t overheard. “I can’t stand your presence, Jun.”
That sentence hurt Jun deeply and Sho’s sad look didn’t help to feel better.
“You know that I won’t hurt you?” Jun tried to explain.
Sho rubbed his temples and sighed. “I…I’m sorry but I can’t believe that. I can’t help it but think that all the men around me want to…you know? And it’s not only that, I don’t like your pity. I already feel bad because as a man I was supposed to defend myself and I failed miserably and you’re looking at me as if I’m a poor defenseless-”
“No I’m not!” Jun cut him short angrily and so suddenly that Sho had a start.
“Sano-san could you stop the car?”
“What?” Jun asked surprised.
“I said stop the car!” Sho ordered again louder.
The driver looked at Jun through his rearview mirror as if he was silently asking for permission.
“Stop that damn car right now!” Sho burst out angrily. The car stopped right away in the middle of the road and Sho got out at lightning speed.
“Sho!” Jun followed him and had just the time to grab his forearm before a car run over Sho.
They both fall on the side, Jun on top of Sho who struggled violently to get free.
Jun let go of him while asking him to be calm. As soon as the contact broke Sho moved back and closed his arms around his chest in a protective manner and threw an icy glare at Jun.
“See?” he asked breathless. “How do you even dare to ask me to believe in you while you can’t even keep your promise to not ever touch me?”
“Sorry for not keeping my promise, next time I’ll let you die!”
They both stared at each other angrily, catching their breath. Then Jun closed his eyes and sighed deeply. “We should go back,” he started in a soft voice. “You can’t work in this state. I’ll ask Johnny-san a little break so you could recover.”
“No! Our work is the only thing that is important to me.” Sho argued, almost begged Jun.
“And you’re the only person important to me.” Jun replied back seriously, surprising Sho and leaving him speechless.
Jun took a few steps and knelt in front of Sho. “Let’s go back.” He smiled sadly and offered a hand to Sho who watched him silently for a few seconds before standing up, ignoring Jun’s hand. They both got into the car parked on the side, ignoring people’s strange looks.
The way back to Sho’s apartment was quiet, they didn’t talk to each other at all, and only Jun’s voice could be heard when he called the agency. It was hard for him to convince the president to give them a break without giving him the reasons but thanks to Jun’s willpower and natural charm, Johnny gave in in the end.
As soon as they get inside the apartment and closed the front door, Jun watched Sho closing himself into his bedroom without a word. He sighed and took off his coat, that’s when he realized he had missed several calls and he couldn’t help but smile sadly as he checked the phone numbers.
Jun felt guilty, awfully guilty; towards him, Sho and the rest of the group. Arashi was important for Jun just like the other and asking for a break without talking about it with the other three was an horrible thing to do but Sho was more important and in the end if Sho couldn’t recover, Arashi wouldn’t be the same Arashi they all loved so much anyway.
A few hours had passed when Jun knocked softly at Sho’s bedroom door. “What do you want to eat?”
Jun sighed knowing he wouldn’t get an answer but still he felt useless and a bit scared.
“If you want to be mad at me you can but at least say something so that I know you’re still alive.” He couldn’t help but used an angry tone. Yes he was mad at Sho for closing himself, for not letting Jun to help him even though as he read on the internet loneliness was usually an after effect with such a trauma, he was still mad at Sho.
“I know I’m useless and defenseless but I’m not stupid!” He heard Sho’s voice from the other side of the door.
At least Jun was reassured; Sho didn’t have the idea of doing something stupid. Just when he was going to ask something Jun heard someone knocked at the door. He wasn’t really surprised to see three familiar faces when he opened it.
They entered without being invited; it wasn’t like they needed it anyway. What surprised Jun the most was Ohno’s red and teary eyes; he had expected Masaki to be crying but definitely not their leader.
“Johnny-san called us.” Nino said as he closed the door behind him.
“He said that we’re on a break for a little while.” Aiba added.
“Listen guys, I’m really sorry I didn’t talk to you about it before calling Johnny-san but-” Jun started to explain but was cut short by Ohno.
“Is Sho-chan alright?”
Jun was taken aback for a few seconds, before smiling genuinely. No matter how much they loved the group, the main reason they cared so much was because they were friends and their health came before anything else, even the group’s activities.
“He’s physically healthy.” Jun nodded and he saw the three men sigh from relief.
Until Nino realized something strange in Jun’s answer. “Physically?”
Jun ran a hand through his hair, embarrassed. He really wanted to tell his friends what was going on because he knew how worried they were; the previous day he was just like them, worried without knowing anything. However he also knew that Sho didn’t want them to know and if there were people in the world that Sho wanted to keep it as a secret except from his family it was definitely Arashi. “I’m sorry guys, I can’t tell you. Maybe one day Sho will explain it by himself but right now he-”
“We don’t need to know what’s going on if we can’t help him,” Ohno said seriously “Just promise me that you’ll take care of him.”
Jun chuckled softly and rested a hand on Ohno’s shoulder. “I’m already taking care of him, Leader.”
Ohno nodded and smiled genuinely for the first time since they had entered the apartment. Jun realized that Masaki have been particularly quiet and just as he turned around to face him he saw the tall guy resting his face against Sho’s bedroom.
“Please get well soon, okay Sho-chan?” Masaki said softly. “We’re worried but it’s okay take your time to recover. We’ll wait for you and if you need anything you know you can call us, anytime.” He looked at Jun and smiled before adding “I’m sure Jun-chan will take care of you very well.”
Jun wasn’t the type of guy to show his feelings easily but hearing Aiba’s encouraging words to him and Sho moved him deeply, that’s why when Aiba passed by his side as the three of them left the apartment, Jun gave him a strong hug.
“Call us anytime you need Jun.” Nino said as he patted Jun’s back.
“J-Jun…” Ohno trailed off, his bottom lip trembling.
“Oh oh! I think it’s time for us to go!” Nino exclaimed as he grabbed Ohno’s shoulders strongly and leaded him towards the exit “He doesn’t cry much but when he had started it’s hard for us to stop him.”
Jun chuckled again and waved them goodbye before closing the door. He rested his forehead against the wooden door and sighed deeply. It felt good to see them, even though he didn’t tell them Sho’s secret he felt lighter.
“Are they gone?” He heard a soft voice in his back.
Jun turned around and saw that Sho had finally left his room. Again the rapper was wearing his old grey sweatpants, as if it were the only clothes he was comfortable in.
Jun nodded and noticed the teary eyes.
“I’m sorry Jun,” Jun’s eyes fell on Sho’s clenched fists. “I’m really sorry for making you all worried.”
“Shh,” Jun walked slowly towards Sho and stopped a few feet away, hoping that the distance between their bodies were bearable for Sho. “Didn’t you hear Masaki earlier? He said that it’s okay. Take your time and focus only on you. It’s true that we’re all worried but that’s because we care and if you really want to help us then try to recover.”
Sho lowered his face as tears came down his cheeks, his fists trembling. “I don’t think I will. I can’t do it, not this time. It’s too hard, too painful.”
Each sobs broke Jun’s heart but he needed to be strong for the both of them. “I think you’re wrong. I know you Sho. You’re brave and strong. You can do anything if you want it. Maybe you don’t know who you are anymore right now, I can understand that. You don’t know how to react, you don’t know who you can trust but I know you Sho and I’m sure that you’ll make it.”
Sho didn’t reply at Jun’s earnest words and the younger man understood very well his reaction. This kind of recovering will take time but with Jun’s help, Sho will feel better. Jun made that promise to himself.
They spend the rest of the day in the living room, Jun making dinner and Sho watching TV (Jun insisted that he should stay in the living room). They didn’t talk to each other at all, Jun had tried to bring a few topics to discuss but Sho only hummed in response, telling Jun that he wasn’t really in a mood to talk.
When dinner was ready, Jun called Sho but there were no answer. A quick glance at the sofa and Jun realized that his boyfriends had fallen asleep. It was a good thing because the rapper looked really tired these past few days, a good rest was what he needed. Carefully, Jun grabbed the blanket on the top at the sofa and covered Sho’s sleeping form. He watched him sleep, smiling softly and with a look full of emotions. He would have stayed here if only his phone didn’t ring suddenly. Jun grabbed it quickly and pressed the button, looking at Sho direction and making sure that he was still asleep.
“Leader?” Jun whispered, a bit surprised. Ohno wasn’t the type to call his band mates usually but maybe he wanted some news from Sho.
“Ah Jun,” Ohno’s sleepy voice came through the line.
“Something’s wrong?”
“No, not at all! I just wanted to tell you that we will take care of the press conference which will be held in two days. You don’t have to worry about that.”
Jun smiled, he didn’t think about giving a press conference at all. “Thank you Ohno-kun but there’s no need to call me, a simple message would have been enough you know?”
“Ah right,” Jun could tell how much Ohno was embarrassed and it was hard to embarrass Ohno Satoshi. “I just wanted to…hear your voice, you know?”
“Yeah I see.” Jun lied but couldn’t stop smiling. “Sho-san is sleeping right now.”
“Good, he seemed tired recently.”
They both remained silent for a while until Ohno decided that it was time to hang up.
Jun looked at his phone and chuckled, Ohno wasn’t their leader for nothing. With a quick glance at the clock Jun realized that it was already 10 p.m. Sho was still asleep and after working so hard in the kitchen he wanted to take a long and hot shower. He closed the bathroom door carefully and started to run the water in the shower. Jun let the hot water slid down his tired body; all the mental tiredness was leaving him little by little. It was a hard task for Jun to take care of Sho; emotionally speaking but also physically. It took everything inside him to suppress the need to hold his boyfriend in his arms. What could he do to help him? He had promise to not touch him but how did you show your presence to someone when you couldn’t touch him?
Totally lost in his thoughts, Jun didn’t realize that he had spent almost 45 minutes inside the shower.
Jun got out from the bathroom and freaked out when he saw that Sho wasn’t on the sofa anymore. A soft click of the door behind him could be heard and Jun recognized the sound of footsteps inside Sho’s bedroom.
“Sho?” He called, a strange feeling washing over his body.
From the corner of his eyes he saw a white paper on the dining table and quickly he walked to grab it. It was Sho’s handwriting.
“Jun,
I’m sorry but I’m not hungry. Also please don’t judge me for locking my door but I still can’t trust anybody.
Sakurai”
As something wet fell on the paper and his vision becoming blurry Jun realized that he was crying. So that was how Sho felt? That sensation of loneliness? As he sat behind the table Jun looked around, he scanned the empty and quiet apartment with his eyes and the feeling of loneliness became heavier. Was it really a protective move from Sho? How could he feel better while Jun only felt worse? It wasn’t the right thing to do. Sho needed a presence, somebody by his side in order to tell him and show him that he wasn’t alone.
Jun looked at the bedroom door, determined. He wiped his tears and stood up, his feet firm on the floor. He sat in front of the door and leant against it, knocking softly.
“Sho? Are you asleep yet?”
There was no response.
“I need to talk. You can just listen to me if you want, but I really need to talk with you.”
Jun started a long monologue. He told Sho how he felt, how much it hurt him to be so close and yet so far from the one he loved. He apologized for not being there to protect him that night and also admitted how much he hated himself for not being able to help him right now.
“It’s killing me Sho. I miss your laugh and your smile. I miss your presence Sho. I’ve never told you that before but when you’re by my side I feel confident, more secure. The more vivid memory I have of that feeling is during our first concert, when we held each other hands.”
Jun raised his hand before his eyes “I can still feel the strong grip you had around my hand and I can clearly remember that bright smile you gave me while our fans screamed our name. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that’s the moment I’ve fallen for you.”
Jun rested his palm against the cold wooden door. “I miss you.”
Maybe it was because he was tired, or even hopeless enough that his ears played a trick on him but as he closed his eyes, tired from his cries, Jun heard a muffle sound coming right from behind the door; “I miss you too.”
The next morning Jun woke up slowly, the sunlight caressing his face and a soft melody playing in the air. He didn’t open his eyes but just woke up little by little, his brain registering the melody. Piano? He thought as he moved slowly, his body adjusting the door frame. It seemed like he had fallen asleep against the door the night before.
As consciousness hit his brain, Jun realized that the melody came from in front of him; he knew the song played but he couldn’t find the title; just some bribes of lyrics playing in his head. An English song…
‘Save me’
Jun opened his eyes suddenly as he remembered the song. His eyes fell upon Sho. He was the one playing. Jun just saw his back but just with the intensity Sho used on the piano’s keys, Jun felt how much Sho was desperate.
Quietly Jun stood up and approached Sho from behind, his bare feet almost sliding onto the wooden floor. He moved on the side to take a look at Sho’s face. Jun didn’t know if he saw him because he was so focused on hitting the keys. It hit Jun, that force he had on his face, that determination he loved so much were back as Sho played the song, Jun could almost hear Sho’s voice singing the lyrics. Just one word came in Jun’s head: beautiful.
The song slowed down until the final key was hit. They both stood there silent, until Sho lifted his head and looked right into Jun’s eyes.
“I will.” Jun said simply; in response to Sho musical plead.
“I’m sorry.” Sho whispered. By the confused look Jun gave him, he added “I’m sorry for asking you such a selfish request.”
“This is what lovers do, right?” Jun smiled; he wanted to caress his face but he knew that this simple gesture could ruin everything.
“How can you still love me after…after…he had”
“I can’t explain it.” Jun cut him short as he saw the anger burning into Sho’s eyes. “I love you, maybe even more, and to me this is all that matter.”
Sho’s eyes fell upon Jun’s hand that rested on top of the piano, Jun noticed the way Sho bit his lower lip as if he was debating with his inner self. Jun retrieved his hand and ran it through his hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Sho shook his head. “One day maybe…”
Jun nodded once and offered Sho to make breakfast, despite Sho’s reticence they ended in the kitchen, Sho sat behind the worktop while Jun was cooking. Jun felt Sho’s gaze on his back, the idol watching carefully his every movement.
“Why did you choose this song? And how did you learn it so quickly?” Jun asked casually, trying to find a topic to discuss.
Sho shrugged “I don’t really know. Yesterday night as I fall asleep this song came in my mind. I’ve never particularly liked that song; it was just a song you know?”
Jun nodded silently, he was so glad that Sho was finally talking normally again. “Also this is the first time that I play a song right without practice, as if…it came naturally.”
Jun brought a plate of toasts and two cup of warm coffee, Sho really needed to buy food. They started to eat in silence, for once Sho didn’t refuse to eat. As he took a sip of his coffee Jun asked “What will you do now?”
Sho lifted his face and looked at Jun questionably, still chewing on his toast.
“I mean, you’ve been to the police station already, right?”
Sho coughed as he tried to shallow what he had in his mouth. He shook his head vigorously “No and I won’t!” He said firmly.
“Why?” Jun asked, dumbfounded. “You need to tell them so they can arrest him and prevent another attempt.”
“They won’t believe me Jun! And have you thought about the media? They’ll know it and who knows what will happen to me or the group!”
“But Sho you have to-”
“I said no and that’s that!” Sho ended the talk, angrily.
They both ate in silence; only the sounds of the plates could be heard. Once they finished their breakfast Jun went to pick the plates but Sho did it first, telling Jun to relax a bit while he washed the dishes. At first Jun offered his help but the look in Sho’s eyes, almost begging him to let him doing it, stopped Jun.
The younger man sat in the sofa, turning the TV on. He wasn’t really interested in whatever was playing on the screen, from the corner of his eyes he was staring at Sho who cleaned the dishes carefully. That strange habit of him always intrigued Jun. He had read that some victims developed a cleaning habit after the incident, their brain always giving the order to clean anything that was dirty and Jun noticed that Sho had that habit, just by watching the state of this apartment or even the time Sho took when he showered. This habit would disappear when the victim would find peace again and Jun vowed to himself to do anything to help Sho.
Once he had finished cleaning, Sho dry his hands with a tea towel and went into the living room where Jun was pretending to watch TV. Jun’s heart sank when he realized that Sho didn’t sit next to him but on the farthest couch opposite to him.
Just a few minutes had passed when Sho sighed heavily.
“Are we going to stay here all day long and watch TV?”
“Do you want to get out?” Jun offered.
Sho shook his head vigorously and lowered his eyes. Jun had the same idea than Sho; being in Arashi they were used to have an hectic schedule and not even a minute to get bored, the simple thought of having one day of rest was just a dream but now that they were on a break, after only two days they were totally bored and with Sho’s trauma there weren’t a lot of activities to do.
At least they could talk but Sho wasn’t very talkative to say the least. They just spend their time watching TV, making dinner or reading books.
But as each day passed Jun could clearly see an evolution. One day Sho would talk a bit more or even start a conversation. Another day it was the sound of a wonderful melody played on the piano that replaced the sounds of TV. One of the best improvements was when Sho came out of the bathroom one day wearing a plain white tee-shirt and a pair of blue jeans; the grey sweat pants were finally forgotten. Also, Jun noticed how Sho became closer to him as if little by little he was trusting him again; his usual spot on the opposite couch became at first the couch at Jun’s right side, then the same sofa as Jun and soon, having Sho sitting near him without being tensed became an habit Jun wouldn’t believe to feel ever again. He had gained weight again and after a few weeks the round cheeks were coming back little by little, thanks to Jun’s delicious meals. Every time it was Sho who made the first move because Jun wanted to follow Sho’s rhythm and it was the best way to show him that he could trust Jun heartedly.
However one day, everything had been ruined in the blink of an eye.
Jun and Sho were chatting carelessly in the sofa, eating ice cream while watching TV. They shared their opinion about that stupid girl that was running after the man she secretly loved while the main male character was doing everything to get her.
“Another triangle love.” Sho sighed as he engulfed his ice cream.
“You know that’s what viewers want to watch, you can’t help it.” Jun explained as he turned the page of his book.
The drama finally ended and they both fell silent during the commercials. Jun was totally absorbed in his book while Sho was waiting for the news to show up. Jun’s brain registered the opening theme of the news program but didn’t really care; the detective in his book was on the edge to arrest the criminal. However his brain froze when he felt a hand holding his tightly. Jun lowered his book and watched their hands connected with a huge smile, his heart beating fast in his chest. Finally, after all this time they had a skin contact. Yet, Jun lost his smile when he lifted his gaze and saw Sho’s behavior. The rapper’s body was still and his face was horribly pale, his eyes focused on the TV screen.
“Sho?” Jun called softly as if he was afraid to scare him, but Sho didn’t reply.
Jun looked at the TV, hoping he would understand what made Sho in this state. The newscaster was talking about a missing person, a mild-aged man. His wife was crying on the screen, begging anybody that had seen her husband to call the police.
As the newscaster gave the details about the missing man, Jun felt how Sho’s fingers curled around his hand; it was so tight that it started to hurt him.
When Jun asked him what was wrong, Sho opened his mouth slightly, his lips trembling as he tried to find how to speak.
“H-him. Tha-that face. I can’t forget it.” He stuttered as tears formed in his eyes.
“What?”
Sho stood up suddenly, looking around like a mad man. “He’s here for me!”
“Calm down Sho. Calm down. No one is here for you.” Jun followed Sho in his crazy run around the apartment.
“He will do it again. He hadn’t had enough. Maybe he wants to kill me because I know his face but I didn’t go to the police. I won’t!”
“Sho!” Jun called him loudly as he grabbed his both shoulders and tried to calm him.
“I don’t want to feel his hands on me again! I won’t bear it again! Not again!” Tears fell down his cheeks as reason left Sho’s body. Jun’s grip was strong around Sho’s shoulders and he tried his best to calm him down with soothing words.
“Don’t worry. No one will ever hurt you again, you hear me? I’m here with you. You don’t have to fear anything Sho.”
The words seemed to calm Sho a bit; he looked straight into Jun’s eyes, his body still trembling.
Jun let go of one shoulder to grab the remote and turned the TV off then he forced Sho to sit at the table, grabbed another chair and sat in front of him.
“Did you hear what they said? He’s been missing for a week if he wanted to get you he would have already made a move, don’t you think?”
Sho nodded slowly, his breath becoming normal again. Jun sighed, stood up and headed to the kitchen. He took a glass of water and went into the bathroom before coming back and offered Sho the glass with a pill.
Sho pushed the hand holding the pill away. “I don’t want it if I start medication now I don’t know what will happen.” Sho refused it sternly.
“It’s just for this time. You need some dreamless sleep Sho.”
Sho pondered about the possibilities.
“You trust me, right? You know that I would give you meds only if I think it’s good for you and right now I think it is.” Jun said calmly as he put the sleeping pill into Sho’s hand and the glass of water on the table.
Sho ran a hand over his face and quickly took the pill before he changed his mind. He looked at Jun with a strange glint in his eyes and for a second Jun thought that he had seen the Sho he had knew before, this kind of face as if he was telling Jun ‘See? I did as you asked. Are you satisfied?’ a mix between a tease and a pout. Instinctively Jun brought his hand over Sho’s cheek and for a second he hesitated, but Sho closed his eyes slightly and leaned into Jun’s hand. The touch was brief and innocent but it felt so good; feeling that warmth again, that fair and soft skin under his fingers; Jun only realized at that moment how much he had missed it.
He watched Sho leaving the living room and closed the door behind him, as always the click telling Jun that the door was locked resonated into his ears. It seemed like Sho didn’t totally trust him in the end. Jun stayed there for a moment, thinking hard about all the things he had learned. Finally he knew what the man who hurt Sho looked like. He wasn’t as horrible as he had thought. To be honest the man looked normal, not a serial killer or something like that as he had imagined but to Sho he must be the ugliest monster on Earth.
With a glance at the clock Jun realized how late it was already, he needed to do some things before dinner time. Sho was certainly sound asleep by now so it wouldn’t be a problem to leave the apartment for an hour or two; it was hard to leave because Sho refused to be alone most of the time.
Quietly Jun picked his wallet, his keys and his jacket and headed towards the door. When he opened it he stopped when three faces greeted him.
“Hi!” Masaki said cheerfully while waving his hand.
Jun stepped back and made room for the three other to enter.
“You look awful.” Nino had always been kind with his friendly comments.
“That’s what you get when you sleep in a sofa for weeks.” Jun replied tiredly.
They headed to the living room and sat in the couches.
“You haven’t gone home until now?” Ohno asked a bit surprised.
Jun shook his head once ‘He wouldn’t let me which is a funny fact because at first he wanted me to leave.”
“How is he doing?” They both asked in unison and that made Jun chuckled.
“Better. He eats and talks normally again and just yesterday he tried to work on new lyrics for his next rap.” Jun smiled, pleased to share the improvements.
He could see the relief on his friends’ face. “Where is he?” Aiba asked.
“Well,” Jun started hesitantly, throwing a glance at Sho’s bedroom. “He’s sleeping right now. You choose the wrong time to come actually because something happened and he’s a bit upset.”
“You still won’t tell us what happened?” Nino asked at his turn. It wasn’t a reproach just a statement.
Jun shook his head and sighed. “This is not me who should tell you. I don’t know if Sho will ever tell you and I’m really sorry but-”
Ohno raised his hand in the air. “Don’t apologize. We all have our secrets. However if we can do something to help the both of you just say it.”
“Actually,” Jun started hesitantly, glancing at his watch. “I have to go to my apartment to pick some new clothes and also I need to stop by the store to buy groceries.”
“And you want us to stay here and keep an eye on Sho-chan, right?” Aiba smiled brightly.
Jun nodded and deduced by their smiles that they all agreed to his request. Without wasting a second he took his stuff and headed towards the main door. “Ah! Do you want to eat with us tonight? I’m sure Sho will be glad to see you after such a long time.”
“Mm…spending a night with the five of us and eating Jun’s delicious handmade dinner? I wonder why I still ponder about this.” Nino replied as he rubbed his chin in a false wondering manner.
Jun chuckled before leaving; he will need more food that planned.
He felt guilty to feel this way but the rare times Jun could get out from Sho’s apartment he felt relieved as if the burden of Sho’s trauma left him as soon as he had passed through the front door. Jun really felt bad for thinking this way because he was sure that Sho felt ten times worse and that sensation never left him since that night. Most of the times Jun dreamed of the days where he and Sho would live together normally again, and deep inside of him he was scared that those days wouldn’t come.
On the other hand, being away from Sho gave him a strange feeling and Jun surprised himself when he realized that he tried to do what he had to as fast as possible. He didn’t waste a minute into his apartment and hurriedly headed to the nearest store.
When he had picked enough food to feed an army Jun went to the checkout. As he waited the headlines of a gossips’ magazine caught his attention.
“Bullshit…” He whispered as his eyes run over the article. It was about Arashi, of course. Being on a break didn’t mean they weren’t the target of those magazines anymore; on the contrary it was the opposite. But this time it was a bit well-founded. The article gave a theory about Arashi’s break, explaining that maybe it was the start of a definite breaking from the group after some witnesses reported that they’ve seen Matsumoto Jun and Sakurai Sho having a fight in the street a few days before Arashi’s break was announced.
Jun remember that moment very well. True that scene could be a good explanation but Jun knew the truth and as soon as Sho would feel better Arashi would restart their activity.
“Sir?” The female voice startled Jun who put the magazine back on the box and paid the cashier before leaving.
Jun stopped in front of the door and took a deep breath before turning the doorknob. He felt a bit scared to enter; what happened while he was away? Was Sho alright? Was he still asleep? Jun blamed himself for being so overprotective; Sho wasn’t a child anymore and being like this wouldn’t be helpful.
Though when he entered Jun didn’t find the heavy mood he was expecting. Ohno, Aiba and Nino were in the living room chatting happily but quietly so they didn’t disturb Sho’s sleep.
Jun removed his shoes and joined the others in the living room.
“He’s still asleep?” Jun asked a bit worried.
They nodded and resumed their talk. Jun went into the kitchen to put the groceries away and prepared some snack and warm tea for them and himself.
It felt good to chat casually with them, even laugh. Even though Sho had been better those few days, Jun missed the sound of laughter in this apartment. Until now there hadn’t been a joke, a laugh or a smile before the three others came in. As he sipped his tea Jun secretly wished that he would soon hear Sho’s laugh again.
As if the Devil wanted to play a prank on Jun, as soon as he made his wish Sho’s voice resonated into the apartment. Unfortunately it wasn’t what Jun was expecting.
“No!”
The four men froze when they heard Sho’s screams.
“What’s going on?” Ohno asked as Jun stood up in one jump from his seat.
“No, please! Jun! Jun!”
Jun tried to turn the doorknob before remembering that Sho had closed the door. As Sho called him louder and louder Jun started to panic. He charged at the door using all his might. Once. Twice.
“Jun!” This time Nino called him.
Another try.
“You will hurt yourself.” Aiba added worriedly.
Though Jun didn’t care. All that mattered was that Sho was on the other side calling him helplessly and that damn door was the only obstacle.
Finally the sound of wood being broken could be heard and with one final charge Jun opened the door, the force he used was so strong that he fell on the floor. He stood up quickly and run towards the bed where Sho was struggling with the bed sheets and still screaming Jun’s name.
“I’m here. Sho! Wake up! I’m here!” Jun shook Sho’s body gently at first and more strongly when the older one didn’t wake up. The other three men were watching the scene helplessly. They wanted to help as well but something deep inside them told them that this moment belonged only to the both of them.
“Sho!” Jun called with a firm shake and Sho’s eyes opened wide and fell upon Jun’s face right away.
“I’m here,” Jun whispered.
His face covered with sweats from his nightmare Sho stared at Jun for a second before tears started to fall down his cheeks and he hugged Jun tightly.
“You came! This time you came.” Sho cried against Jun’s chest.
Jun was at a loss for words and just stood there, sitting on the side of the bed hugging Sho tightly. They remained in this position for a while until Sho’s cries subsided.
“I’m sorry I broke your door.” Jun said out of the blue, not knowing what he could say in this situation.
“I don’t care.” Sho replied between two breaths still not letting go of Jun.
Sho’s eyes opened when he heard a sound coming from the living room. He froze when he saw the rest of the band at the door.
“Th-they saw me,”
“Shh it’s okay.” Jun tried to reassure him.
“They know.” He said sadly his eyes never leaving Aiba’s worried face.
“Maybe not,” Jun started to explain as he pushed Sho a bit to look into his eyes. “And even if they know, they won’t judge you. They’re our friends, so it’s okay.”
“B-but…” Sho tried to counter.
“It’s okay Sho. Now get ready we will have dinner together.” Jun ordered gently as he let go of Sho and stood up, leaving no chance to Sho to argue.
Nino, Aiba and Ohno watched Sho heading to the bathroom; the latter walking his face down not daring to look at them.
“Hi Sho-chan.” Satoshi tried but it only resulted in Sho walking faster and closing himself into the bathroom.
“God damn it, Jun! What happened?” Nino burst angrily. “Don’t tell me he had been in this state for the past weeks?!”
Jun headed to the kitchen without saying anything. He started to prepare dinner silently.
“Jun!” Nino called him again.
“Yes he had!” Jun put down his knife angrily and turned around, facing his band mates and throwing them an angry look. He was really tired of all of this.
“Maybe we should leave,” Ohno pondered, feeling uneasy.
“No!” Jun refused right away. He sighed and added sadly as he resumed his cooking “Being nice and slow doesn’t work as well as I thought. I think I need to force Sho a bit.” He hated the thought of forcing him, scared of hurting his boyfriend but he hadn’t another choice.
“I’ll help you. What can I do?” Aiba offered as he grabbed an apron and stood by Jun’s side.
Jun smiled slightly at him and told Aiba what he could do to help. A few minutes later, the four of them where working in the kitchen.
“Honestly we’re not here only to say hi,” Ohno said as he set the table.
Jun put the dishes on the table and stared at Ohno silently, waiting for more explanation.
“The truth is that we had a call from Johnny-san today.” Ohno sat as Nino and Aiba. Jun did the same, his heart beating faster.
“He wants us to resume our activity by the end of next week.”
[ Part 3]