[rd][fic][Transformers Bayverse] Paperback Writer
Paperback Writer
by K. Stonham
first released 9th October 2012
Sideswipe was many things. He was a fantastic warrior. He was a brilliant prankster. He was a notorious trader. And, while he was not the prettiest Cybertronian - that title was reserved either for his twin, or for mockings of the Decepticons' infamously vain Air Commander - he was possibly the sneakiest of the Autobots.
(The exceptions to that title claim were, in order, Jazz, Mirage, and Smokescreen. All of whom in their own way found Sideswipe useful, so they let him have the public rep.)
He had been a merchant, once upon a time back in Polyhex, when they still had an economy and a planet. He'd been pretty good, at it, too, and as Sunstreaker had grown better at painting and sculpture, he'd added a small art gallery to the side of his shop.
Sideswipe hadn't anticipated Sunny's art taking over and becoming their main source of income.
He'd made sure to keep his hand in on more mainstream dealings, just in case. Nobles and Senators were notoriously fickle creatures, and there was no telling if Sunny would be able to hold their attention long-term.
But here on Earth, in between Decepticon hunts and NEST training sessions, there was a slagging lot of downtime to fill. Ratchet used it for putting together, for the first time in centuries, a decent medbay. (Sideswipe may or may not have pointed him in the direction of a few sources for the raw materials he needed.) Ironhide's entire life was built around war and training troops, of course; no one could recall him ever being happier. Optimus politicked until even ex-Senator Ratchet was threatening him with enforced shutdown. Bumblebee was off being happy with his own pair of humans on the mainland. Etcetera.
And Sideswipe was bored.
The humans' international stock market was a joke. Buying and trading was boring when none of the products were something you might use or admire yourself. And, frankly, there was only so much interest he could work up in car wax with Sunny still MIA.
A bored Sideswipe, as many Autobots and not a few Decepticons could attest, was a dangerous thing.
*
The books were hilarious. Maggie loved them for just how bad they were. She and Valerie and Anne, the two other women stationed on Diego Garcia, had a book club going, and with liberal applications of liquor, the Twilight books were a scream to read aloud.
And then the porn fanfic versions came out in print, and those were even better. Their drinking game totally levelled up.
She didn't expect to get caught sniggering, off-shift, over a reread of book three, by an Autobot.
"What's that?"
Maggie looked up at the deep voice, reflexively holding her page open with one finger.
Silver. Sideswipe, right?
"Bad human fiction," she told him. "It's hilarious."
He looked a little befuddled at that. "Deliberately bad?"
"No!" Maggie grinned up at him. "That's the best part - the whole thing is so earnestly written, and so many women are in love with it, and it's just horrible!"
Optical shutters flickered. The mecha sat down on the sand next to her. "It's popular?" he asked.
"Immensely so. Not quite as much as the Harry Potter books, I think, but then nothing is. Not even Stephen King."
A moment's silence. She suspected Sideswipe was accessing the internet.
His optics widened. "That... is a slaggin' lot of books to sell."
"Harry Potter?" Maggie nodded. "Hell yeah."
"Hmm." He looked speculative. Then he looked at the book in her hand. "Can I borrow those?"
*
Half a year later, a hot three-way bidding war broke out between publishing houses for a trilogy of books from a neophyte author.
Six months after that, the first book rolled off the press and into millions of waiting hands, already adored and reviled in equal measure. The story of a high school girl and her love affair with a shapeshifting metallic alien who had come to conquer her world, Silver Skies was met with critical acclaim, science-fiction mockery, and feminist outrage.
The author, Sidney Piews, was described as a late-twenties career military woman, currently stationed on an island in the Pacific. Maggie donated her photograph for the glamor shot, in exchange for "Sidney" putting her new (author-sanctioned!) drinking game on the official website, and 1% of the profits.
The series was a hit, even if its author never did any personal appearances.
*~*~*
Author's Note: I find the entire hoopla over the Twilight books (and movies) and the 50 Shades books (and movies) to be hilarious, and a little bit sad. That said, given how immensely popular they are, my hindbrain hit on an Autobot being able to read those works, and other best-seller popular books, correlate points and themes that they had in common, and develop a winning sales formula. Sideswipe was bored and volunteered to make some money and, at the same time, pull one over on the human public. Optimus' official stance on this (as with many of Sideswipe's other shenanigans) is "No comment. (Primus, where is Prowl when I need him to discipline this kindergarten we call an army?)"