It's a Secret to Everyone
Perhaps I should spend more time outside of my bedroom. Lets disregard factors such as laziness and unhealthy amounts of masturbation, but I'm talking about the amount of madness caused by allowing my mind to wander.
I sincerely hope that I'm not the only one that brings about his own madness by constant questioning and scenario posing. I find more and more in my days that my downfall is constant thinking and analyzing. I think this entire journal is a testament to that. Its the cause of a lack of confidence, as I've already played out the scenario and found a result not in my favor. Then I wonder why I do this to myself at all. What point is served by my mind going on auto-pilot almost instinctively and going on to protect myself from any disappointment? How can it be so easy for my peers to do what they do? What makes me that much different? What went on in their lives that let them be okay with not knowing the outcome and going for it anyway? I want in on this fucking secret because it's really holding me back from shit that looks pretty goddamn enjoyable. I wanna be able to do this just the same. I can see myself doing it. But when it comes down to that exact moment that'll set off those good times I can't bring myself to pop the question or do the deeds that'll set it off.
Then I step back a little more than that and I wonder why these things should interest me at all. Why I've gotta have myself a girl or why I should go get drunk or high at the request of my friends. What makes it so special? How am I going to benefit from this? Sober and single has worked for me for so long (to a point) but I sometimes I do see how it ends up being frustrating. Whats this comfort zone that I can attain where I can be alright with some self-destructive or romantic behavior? I often find that when running entirely on emotion is involved that I just shut down. My mind can't handle not having a direct A-->B path to go on. "Come on dude, just ask her out, its not hard" or "Come on, just have a drink, its not going to fuck you up" make it so easy to downplay the risk involved. You're not thinking ahead. You're pretending there's not any consequences. I can't have that, period.
I try not to inform you all about how much of a stick in the mud I can be sometimes. At the same time I want to help you all understand more about me. I think thats a little bit of the reason that I need this journal. And despite the naysayers or people who may object to the content you're missing the point completely. This is like my little confessional room. A place to air out whats on my mind and help others understand my motivations. I don't think that I could have found a better medium to try and help my mind. I've always wanted something that I could express myself with and have others try to read and understand. I couldn't put my true nature into the spoken word. Given the way I am, I'm terrible with conversation and questioning. I'm doing what I can with what I'm best with: the written word. While my entries are long and unwieldly I hope that the amount of details that I put into them are atleast sufficient enough for comprehension. In addition, I don't think that the comments function is used quite enough here. I know that I may have written something that'll need some more explanation so please allow me the opportunity for clarification by asking me some goddamn questions once in a while.
I don't know what kind of person all of you view me as. I don't know what kind of individual comes into your head when you look at me. When you see my face, when you see me talking, when you read my words. I don't know and can't possibly know what all of you have thought or are thinking of me. Help me understand the people I'm trying to understand. With more understanding we can probably have more peace and better times in the future.
im in ur mind, raping ur lobes
I sincerely hope that I'm not the only one that brings about his own madness by constant questioning and scenario posing. I find more and more in my days that my downfall is constant thinking and analyzing. I think this entire journal is a testament to that. Its the cause of a lack of confidence, as I've already played out the scenario and found a result not in my favor. Then I wonder why I do this to myself at all. What point is served by my mind going on auto-pilot almost instinctively and going on to protect myself from any disappointment? How can it be so easy for my peers to do what they do? What makes me that much different? What went on in their lives that let them be okay with not knowing the outcome and going for it anyway? I want in on this fucking secret because it's really holding me back from shit that looks pretty goddamn enjoyable. I wanna be able to do this just the same. I can see myself doing it. But when it comes down to that exact moment that'll set off those good times I can't bring myself to pop the question or do the deeds that'll set it off.
Then I step back a little more than that and I wonder why these things should interest me at all. Why I've gotta have myself a girl or why I should go get drunk or high at the request of my friends. What makes it so special? How am I going to benefit from this? Sober and single has worked for me for so long (to a point) but I sometimes I do see how it ends up being frustrating. Whats this comfort zone that I can attain where I can be alright with some self-destructive or romantic behavior? I often find that when running entirely on emotion is involved that I just shut down. My mind can't handle not having a direct A-->B path to go on. "Come on dude, just ask her out, its not hard" or "Come on, just have a drink, its not going to fuck you up" make it so easy to downplay the risk involved. You're not thinking ahead. You're pretending there's not any consequences. I can't have that, period.
I try not to inform you all about how much of a stick in the mud I can be sometimes. At the same time I want to help you all understand more about me. I think thats a little bit of the reason that I need this journal. And despite the naysayers or people who may object to the content you're missing the point completely. This is like my little confessional room. A place to air out whats on my mind and help others understand my motivations. I don't think that I could have found a better medium to try and help my mind. I've always wanted something that I could express myself with and have others try to read and understand. I couldn't put my true nature into the spoken word. Given the way I am, I'm terrible with conversation and questioning. I'm doing what I can with what I'm best with: the written word. While my entries are long and unwieldly I hope that the amount of details that I put into them are atleast sufficient enough for comprehension. In addition, I don't think that the comments function is used quite enough here. I know that I may have written something that'll need some more explanation so please allow me the opportunity for clarification by asking me some goddamn questions once in a while.
I don't know what kind of person all of you view me as. I don't know what kind of individual comes into your head when you look at me. When you see my face, when you see me talking, when you read my words. I don't know and can't possibly know what all of you have thought or are thinking of me. Help me understand the people I'm trying to understand. With more understanding we can probably have more peace and better times in the future.
im in ur mind, raping ur lobes