(no subject)
xposted from my journal, it just feels like too long since I last posted here. for merueru, who asked for Ikki+Shaka and the sentence "just call me neesan" ...
Warnings: non-sensical attempt at comedy below. No claims ever made at quality or logic. So be warned.
Title: we asked the story, but she refuses to give out a name. Something about not talking to strangers...
Word Count: ~2350.
Genre: PWP (as in Plot, What Plot?! not Porn Without Plot you dirty little minds)
Disclaimer: Saint Seiya is the property of Mr Kurumada, Toei and whoever has any rights. Not that this story has *all* that much to do with StS in the first place, but anyway fair is fair and life is everything else.
----
Since I realized this may make even less sense than I expected, let me put the story in context.
First, we have the narrator, who always speaks between **. Don't blame him, he hates his job.
Saori, on the other hand, seems to be enjoying herself. The italics are to accentuate her ... ennerving voice
Then you get Shaka, he's the guy who speaks to himself and is watching the show "So you think you can..." (we never get to know the whole name of the show, mind you.)
And yes, the show follows the bronzies up the well known stairs.
And now, to the pointless point:
-----
* Oh, hi. It’s me, the annoying narrator sometimes you have to put up with when the writer doesn’t know how to carry a scene out without help. Yeah, I know, the job sucks but it pays the bills. Got wife and kids, if you get my drift. Anyhow, they don't pay me by hour, so let’s get on with it*
I’ve always liked these shows, people think they are silly, even ridiculous. And I must confess I would never admit I’m a faithful follower. Being a Saint of Athena, and a Gold Saint to that, means carrying yourself in a certain way.
Oh, but let’s be quiet now. The music is playing, and the little shiny stars are taking over the screen, the show is about to start!
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN …
I love the music, it’s just breath taking. I wonder who comes up with these songs.
TODAY, AFTER A TIME OF HARD PRACTICING THAT MUST HAVE SEEMED LIKE YEARS, OUR YOUNG CONTESTANTS ARE EAGER TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT THEY CAN AMAZE, THEY CAN DAZZLE, THEY CAN TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY!
Ohmy, I’m excited! This is going to be the best season finale of all times! Here comes the hostess into the spotlight. What a figure, ohlala! What a dress, what a voice, what a…
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN … !
- Deeeeears and dearessssssts! Welcome back! Let me first tell you in this last show, that I love you all, the whole world! You’ve been here all along and I love you so so so much that I … I’d die for you! And because I love you tons and kilos and grams, and because I’m the one who gets this show the funding to keep on going, so do love you our dear contestants!
Ain’t her pretty? I wonder what the ketchups she’s talking about, though. I know the dude who puts the dough for the show and it isn’t the girl who gets all the money raining down from the dealmakers up in the organization. But with those boobs… I mean, personality, who can deny her anything?
- It’s been hard to decide, I know, but we’ve finally managed to reduce the number of contestants to four, or five, or maybe four and half. We never know, because one of them doesn’t always show up, but he’s got charm and the audience loves him. So this is that, and math be damned.
Anyway, moving on to the important business at hand, we’re here for the season finale, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. And we won’t keep you waiting anymore! Or maybe we will, because it’s time for some advertisement. But we’ll be right back, with SO YOU THINK YOU CAN … !
* A pity the producer messed up, because this was the one time the presenter got the name of the show right. But we all know what happens with log-budget shows, sentences get cut out now and then*
Ah, I hate these while-we-get-there ads. But I’m too chicken to switch channels, what if I miss the beginning?
Well, that wasn’t long, was it? Now, to our first segment! This is your last program, boys, and we first want to make sure you know how much the public loves you. After all these weeks of staying away from everything and living under the camera we thought you deserved some goodies, so we tried to locate somebody important from your past to come and give you a big bear hug. And damn you, was that hard! So we gave up and picked some random guy, now be polite and say hello to our guest: MU!
Yadayadayada. How pretty, how sweet. Good advice, kids crying, I think I’m going to be sick. Ahhh, not too long at least! The first song is already playing, the contestants line up for the dance. Beautiful, the moves, the emotion. I need a handkerchief, or maybe a drink.
* Indistinct sound of ice in the background while the program plays on and an agreement is reached. All shows are rigged and this is no exception*
Did I miss something important? Oh, the second segment is already over? That was quick! But I hear the third one is double the fun!
*As the man sits down on his coach, glass of lemon margarita in hand, the images on the screen change as fast as colors would sound if we could hear them flying around the universe. Unfortunately, we as a race are color-deaf due to some forgotten original problem with creation so the effect is lost to us*
The special effects are neat, will you just look at that. Wow. The decorations may be a bit cheesy, but the contestants are worth putting up with it. I wonder who will get kicked out in this round. The blond chick… or is it a guy? Hmmm, I never really noticed. No matter anyway, she, he -whatever- is a goner. I knew from day one that the duck image was not going to fly. Anyway, there are so many more contestants that it really doesn’t make a big difference. I need to decide to make the call to eliminate someone for the next one, if I can find my cell that is… ah, here it is.
* Last generation interactive phone is pulled out. Quick scans performed by extraterrestrial beings who conduct the experiment gravely mistaken for life in this planet take note: an occurrence of a user being smarter that gadget s/he uses is written down. Too bad a careless research assistant will spill soda on the sheets in a few minutes, the effects of this outlier in the investigation would have otherwise turned the results positive and the project would have received funding for the next fiscal year. As it is, the experiment will be cancelled and the human race terminated*
Oiii, and I was complaining about decorations in the third segment! The fourth is even worse, who is the designer? Masks are so last year! And the contestant! Hair *that* long looks good only on dolls, or bar strippers. Yeah, bar strippers with fake long black manes that flow like the wind over green flat pastures….hmmm…. Eks, that flat pasture is not green at all, what a way of ruining the effect. There is one contestant who is not getting my vote. The choice of setting for his segment sucks and and no amount of special effects can change that.
Done at last, and good riddance. On and forward with the next contestant, the chap with the big head. Now, that’s a good setting, and the storyline of his play is touching. Unrequited love, family sagas… tragedies left and right! All that’s missing is a gorgeous girl showing some skin… ah, there we go: here she is, the skinny girl in scanty clothes. I forecast baby in the next season, or twins possibly.
The fifth segment is almost over and, wow!, that’s a cool way of re-introducing the presenter, making it seem like they’re all thinking about her. The mellow light of the transition of images from the segment stage to her is a bit outdated, but still, neat, very neat.
Ahhh, wasn’t that pretty? Big applause everybody for Seiya and his helpers in his segment! Come on! Put your hands together for them!
Now it’s the time you, the audience, get a chance to your dream - being part of our program. Our innocent hand, Kiki the weird kid, has pulled out of the gold urn the name and address of the lucky person… and…!
* Loud crash at the back entrance of the Temple, someone has broken a window and Shaka is not going to be happy when he finds out, ohnonotatall, but for now he’s too taken away by being in TV*
- Oh! What a surprise! Who sent my name for nomination? I’m so-so-so-sooo excited! It’s so great to see you all here! You, and you, and … hey, do I know you from somewhere, boy? What’s your name?
- Ikki, I’m not a boy and I don’t think we’ve ever met -get your marbles in place.
- Oh, ok. No need to get so upset, I just thought I knew you from before. Are you the contestant selected for the segment? I’m so excited!
- Well, I wasn’t due until some time later, but the audience numbers had started falling down like Seiya approaching a staircase and… well, they pulled me in.
- I see…
* The all-knowing aliens look on, interested, as a certain kind of bacteria that has been making its way through for days finally starts eating away at Shaka’s stomach walls. They make a note to take a sample for experimentation; they’ve had problems with small pests back at home and an odor-free spray made from the bacteria could come in handy.
Meanwhile, Shaka takes the strange feeling to be a certain form of appreciation for the contestant. On their side, the audience -filled with rabid teenage girls- senses something has just been set in motion and opts for writing the pair down as a yaoi favorite.
The bacteria, impervious to all the mess it’s created, just keep on eating small bits of stomach, bacteria are funny like that*
- Hey, you, Freaky, or whatever-is-your-name.
- Ikki, the name is Ikki.
- Yeah, whatever, you. This is my segment, so get the potatoes out. Now.
- Oh, excuse me… your name being?
- Shun. I’m Shun and this is Shun’s segment.
- Listen, Chun, you said? Ah, Shun, sorry. That’s it, Shun, listen. I really didn’t want to come interrupt…
* In the alien ship noises of computers deafen the conversation, a plan is being set to abduct the bacteria-carrying specimen, who is in the meantime seeing horrified how his newfound romantic interest apologizes and gets ready to leave.*
- But you can’t leave!
- What do you mean he can’t leave?! This is MY part of the program! Picky, you agree this is my segment, ri...ri....right?
- No need to cry over this, kiddo. I'm leaving, take it easy. The name is Ikki, by the way, I-kk-i.
- Oh, sorry. See? Tricky doesn’t want to stay!
- But he can’t leave, he’s taken my heart away!
- Ikki! How many times do I have to tell you? My name is Ikki! Not Freaky, or Picky, or Tricky. It’s … -turning around to face Shaka- … what did you just say?
- You took my heart away! I deserve something in return! I can’t bear to look as you leave me like this!
- And what kind of crap is that, exactly? I didn't sign up for a soap opera! I want to talk with my agent!
- No need to get so upset, Geeky, man.
- IKKI! It’s IKKI! And you! The freak with your eyes closed! Look at me! I haven’t taken a thing!
- But you did! My heart, my life! I love you, I want you, I deserve you! I want all your senses to be focused on me!
- Now that I think about it, Tacky, it might be better if I just let the two of you figure this one out. There seems to be a lot of chemistry here.
* A chorus of alien heads shakes in beautiful synchrony. Humans never got the difference between chemistry and stomach-eating bacteria. Plus they are loud and smelly. They all agree that if the experiment is terminated only the cleaning lady is going to miss them, and that just because she has a soft heart*
- What chemistry and what solemn business? There is nothing here, and I’m telling you for the last time, my name is Ikki!
- Oh, what a character, Wacky. Cool it, you seem about to burn!
* Flames spread left and right, Ikki has had about enough of all this name calling, plus Shaka is approaching in what seems to be a suspicious way.*
- Shun, listen, just call me… how is Irvin for you, difficult name?
- Vermin? Nah, that’s easy, I can do Vermin.
- Mickey?
- Monkey! That’s a cute name! It fits you, also…
- AHHHH! You know what? Just call me neesan, ok? Can you do that one?
- Geez! I don’t know why you get so upset! Of course I can call you whatever you want. I like neesan, sounds cool, neesan. Let me go talk to the scriptwriter so he can write it down. You know, he’s not as good as me with names.
- And what about me?
- What about you?
- I was chosen to be in this segment, Ikki. Of all the people in the audience, it's me! We’re here for a reason, some divine being up there brought you to me!
* The aliens briefly convene and concur they want nothing to do with it, they didn’t bring anybody anywhere -aside from planting the seeds for the experiment, that is, and they all agree no causal law could ever derive Shaka’s claim from that. And though divine sounds… well, divine, they don’t have the time or the energy to start taking responsibility for stuff.*
- Now, listen, let’s be rational!
- But I want you to never put your eyes on other!
- Hey…
- I don’t want you to listen to anything but my voice, to taste anything but my loving lips, to….
* The amount of heat accumulating in Shaka's midsection is starting to bother the bacteria, and if the bacteria are not happy… well, let’s say alien machines run programs fast and we all know about that milk episode. Messages travel quickly through empty space and the funding agency has a tight budget as things are and ... I’m sure you all would like to keep on eavesdropping on this beautiful human interaction, but me -see, I’d rather spend my last seconds of life somehow else. It's just been too long since I just looked at children playing and fountains flowing, if you get my point...*
---
*dodges tomatoes and diverse piles of half-rotten produce that would be better used on some political representatives of various countries*
Warnings: non-sensical attempt at comedy below. No claims ever made at quality or logic. So be warned.
Title: we asked the story, but she refuses to give out a name. Something about not talking to strangers...
Word Count: ~2350.
Genre: PWP (as in Plot, What Plot?! not Porn Without Plot you dirty little minds)
Disclaimer: Saint Seiya is the property of Mr Kurumada, Toei and whoever has any rights. Not that this story has *all* that much to do with StS in the first place, but anyway fair is fair and life is everything else.
----
Since I realized this may make even less sense than I expected, let me put the story in context.
First, we have the narrator, who always speaks between **. Don't blame him, he hates his job.
Saori, on the other hand, seems to be enjoying herself. The italics are to accentuate her ... ennerving voice
Then you get Shaka, he's the guy who speaks to himself and is watching the show "So you think you can..." (we never get to know the whole name of the show, mind you.)
And yes, the show follows the bronzies up the well known stairs.
And now, to the pointless point:
-----
* Oh, hi. It’s me, the annoying narrator sometimes you have to put up with when the writer doesn’t know how to carry a scene out without help. Yeah, I know, the job sucks but it pays the bills. Got wife and kids, if you get my drift. Anyhow, they don't pay me by hour, so let’s get on with it*
I’ve always liked these shows, people think they are silly, even ridiculous. And I must confess I would never admit I’m a faithful follower. Being a Saint of Athena, and a Gold Saint to that, means carrying yourself in a certain way.
Oh, but let’s be quiet now. The music is playing, and the little shiny stars are taking over the screen, the show is about to start!
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN …
I love the music, it’s just breath taking. I wonder who comes up with these songs.
TODAY, AFTER A TIME OF HARD PRACTICING THAT MUST HAVE SEEMED LIKE YEARS, OUR YOUNG CONTESTANTS ARE EAGER TO SHOW THE WORLD THAT THEY CAN AMAZE, THEY CAN DAZZLE, THEY CAN TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY!
Ohmy, I’m excited! This is going to be the best season finale of all times! Here comes the hostess into the spotlight. What a figure, ohlala! What a dress, what a voice, what a…
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN … !
- Deeeeears and dearessssssts! Welcome back! Let me first tell you in this last show, that I love you all, the whole world! You’ve been here all along and I love you so so so much that I … I’d die for you! And because I love you tons and kilos and grams, and because I’m the one who gets this show the funding to keep on going, so do love you our dear contestants!
Ain’t her pretty? I wonder what the ketchups she’s talking about, though. I know the dude who puts the dough for the show and it isn’t the girl who gets all the money raining down from the dealmakers up in the organization. But with those boobs… I mean, personality, who can deny her anything?
- It’s been hard to decide, I know, but we’ve finally managed to reduce the number of contestants to four, or five, or maybe four and half. We never know, because one of them doesn’t always show up, but he’s got charm and the audience loves him. So this is that, and math be damned.
Anyway, moving on to the important business at hand, we’re here for the season finale, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. And we won’t keep you waiting anymore! Or maybe we will, because it’s time for some advertisement. But we’ll be right back, with SO YOU THINK YOU CAN … !
* A pity the producer messed up, because this was the one time the presenter got the name of the show right. But we all know what happens with log-budget shows, sentences get cut out now and then*
Ah, I hate these while-we-get-there ads. But I’m too chicken to switch channels, what if I miss the beginning?
Well, that wasn’t long, was it? Now, to our first segment! This is your last program, boys, and we first want to make sure you know how much the public loves you. After all these weeks of staying away from everything and living under the camera we thought you deserved some goodies, so we tried to locate somebody important from your past to come and give you a big bear hug. And damn you, was that hard! So we gave up and picked some random guy, now be polite and say hello to our guest: MU!
Yadayadayada. How pretty, how sweet. Good advice, kids crying, I think I’m going to be sick. Ahhh, not too long at least! The first song is already playing, the contestants line up for the dance. Beautiful, the moves, the emotion. I need a handkerchief, or maybe a drink.
* Indistinct sound of ice in the background while the program plays on and an agreement is reached. All shows are rigged and this is no exception*
Did I miss something important? Oh, the second segment is already over? That was quick! But I hear the third one is double the fun!
*As the man sits down on his coach, glass of lemon margarita in hand, the images on the screen change as fast as colors would sound if we could hear them flying around the universe. Unfortunately, we as a race are color-deaf due to some forgotten original problem with creation so the effect is lost to us*
The special effects are neat, will you just look at that. Wow. The decorations may be a bit cheesy, but the contestants are worth putting up with it. I wonder who will get kicked out in this round. The blond chick… or is it a guy? Hmmm, I never really noticed. No matter anyway, she, he -whatever- is a goner. I knew from day one that the duck image was not going to fly. Anyway, there are so many more contestants that it really doesn’t make a big difference. I need to decide to make the call to eliminate someone for the next one, if I can find my cell that is… ah, here it is.
* Last generation interactive phone is pulled out. Quick scans performed by extraterrestrial beings who conduct the experiment gravely mistaken for life in this planet take note: an occurrence of a user being smarter that gadget s/he uses is written down. Too bad a careless research assistant will spill soda on the sheets in a few minutes, the effects of this outlier in the investigation would have otherwise turned the results positive and the project would have received funding for the next fiscal year. As it is, the experiment will be cancelled and the human race terminated*
Oiii, and I was complaining about decorations in the third segment! The fourth is even worse, who is the designer? Masks are so last year! And the contestant! Hair *that* long looks good only on dolls, or bar strippers. Yeah, bar strippers with fake long black manes that flow like the wind over green flat pastures….hmmm…. Eks, that flat pasture is not green at all, what a way of ruining the effect. There is one contestant who is not getting my vote. The choice of setting for his segment sucks and and no amount of special effects can change that.
Done at last, and good riddance. On and forward with the next contestant, the chap with the big head. Now, that’s a good setting, and the storyline of his play is touching. Unrequited love, family sagas… tragedies left and right! All that’s missing is a gorgeous girl showing some skin… ah, there we go: here she is, the skinny girl in scanty clothes. I forecast baby in the next season, or twins possibly.
The fifth segment is almost over and, wow!, that’s a cool way of re-introducing the presenter, making it seem like they’re all thinking about her. The mellow light of the transition of images from the segment stage to her is a bit outdated, but still, neat, very neat.
Ahhh, wasn’t that pretty? Big applause everybody for Seiya and his helpers in his segment! Come on! Put your hands together for them!
Now it’s the time you, the audience, get a chance to your dream - being part of our program. Our innocent hand, Kiki the weird kid, has pulled out of the gold urn the name and address of the lucky person… and…!
* Loud crash at the back entrance of the Temple, someone has broken a window and Shaka is not going to be happy when he finds out, ohnonotatall, but for now he’s too taken away by being in TV*
- Oh! What a surprise! Who sent my name for nomination? I’m so-so-so-sooo excited! It’s so great to see you all here! You, and you, and … hey, do I know you from somewhere, boy? What’s your name?
- Ikki, I’m not a boy and I don’t think we’ve ever met -get your marbles in place.
- Oh, ok. No need to get so upset, I just thought I knew you from before. Are you the contestant selected for the segment? I’m so excited!
- Well, I wasn’t due until some time later, but the audience numbers had started falling down like Seiya approaching a staircase and… well, they pulled me in.
- I see…
* The all-knowing aliens look on, interested, as a certain kind of bacteria that has been making its way through for days finally starts eating away at Shaka’s stomach walls. They make a note to take a sample for experimentation; they’ve had problems with small pests back at home and an odor-free spray made from the bacteria could come in handy.
Meanwhile, Shaka takes the strange feeling to be a certain form of appreciation for the contestant. On their side, the audience -filled with rabid teenage girls- senses something has just been set in motion and opts for writing the pair down as a yaoi favorite.
The bacteria, impervious to all the mess it’s created, just keep on eating small bits of stomach, bacteria are funny like that*
- Hey, you, Freaky, or whatever-is-your-name.
- Ikki, the name is Ikki.
- Yeah, whatever, you. This is my segment, so get the potatoes out. Now.
- Oh, excuse me… your name being?
- Shun. I’m Shun and this is Shun’s segment.
- Listen, Chun, you said? Ah, Shun, sorry. That’s it, Shun, listen. I really didn’t want to come interrupt…
* In the alien ship noises of computers deafen the conversation, a plan is being set to abduct the bacteria-carrying specimen, who is in the meantime seeing horrified how his newfound romantic interest apologizes and gets ready to leave.*
- But you can’t leave!
- What do you mean he can’t leave?! This is MY part of the program! Picky, you agree this is my segment, ri...ri....right?
- No need to cry over this, kiddo. I'm leaving, take it easy. The name is Ikki, by the way, I-kk-i.
- Oh, sorry. See? Tricky doesn’t want to stay!
- But he can’t leave, he’s taken my heart away!
- Ikki! How many times do I have to tell you? My name is Ikki! Not Freaky, or Picky, or Tricky. It’s … -turning around to face Shaka- … what did you just say?
- You took my heart away! I deserve something in return! I can’t bear to look as you leave me like this!
- And what kind of crap is that, exactly? I didn't sign up for a soap opera! I want to talk with my agent!
- No need to get so upset, Geeky, man.
- IKKI! It’s IKKI! And you! The freak with your eyes closed! Look at me! I haven’t taken a thing!
- But you did! My heart, my life! I love you, I want you, I deserve you! I want all your senses to be focused on me!
- Now that I think about it, Tacky, it might be better if I just let the two of you figure this one out. There seems to be a lot of chemistry here.
* A chorus of alien heads shakes in beautiful synchrony. Humans never got the difference between chemistry and stomach-eating bacteria. Plus they are loud and smelly. They all agree that if the experiment is terminated only the cleaning lady is going to miss them, and that just because she has a soft heart*
- What chemistry and what solemn business? There is nothing here, and I’m telling you for the last time, my name is Ikki!
- Oh, what a character, Wacky. Cool it, you seem about to burn!
* Flames spread left and right, Ikki has had about enough of all this name calling, plus Shaka is approaching in what seems to be a suspicious way.*
- Shun, listen, just call me… how is Irvin for you, difficult name?
- Vermin? Nah, that’s easy, I can do Vermin.
- Mickey?
- Monkey! That’s a cute name! It fits you, also…
- AHHHH! You know what? Just call me neesan, ok? Can you do that one?
- Geez! I don’t know why you get so upset! Of course I can call you whatever you want. I like neesan, sounds cool, neesan. Let me go talk to the scriptwriter so he can write it down. You know, he’s not as good as me with names.
- And what about me?
- What about you?
- I was chosen to be in this segment, Ikki. Of all the people in the audience, it's me! We’re here for a reason, some divine being up there brought you to me!
* The aliens briefly convene and concur they want nothing to do with it, they didn’t bring anybody anywhere -aside from planting the seeds for the experiment, that is, and they all agree no causal law could ever derive Shaka’s claim from that. And though divine sounds… well, divine, they don’t have the time or the energy to start taking responsibility for stuff.*
- Now, listen, let’s be rational!
- But I want you to never put your eyes on other!
- Hey…
- I don’t want you to listen to anything but my voice, to taste anything but my loving lips, to….
* The amount of heat accumulating in Shaka's midsection is starting to bother the bacteria, and if the bacteria are not happy… well, let’s say alien machines run programs fast and we all know about that milk episode. Messages travel quickly through empty space and the funding agency has a tight budget as things are and ... I’m sure you all would like to keep on eavesdropping on this beautiful human interaction, but me -see, I’d rather spend my last seconds of life somehow else. It's just been too long since I just looked at children playing and fountains flowing, if you get my point...*
---
*dodges tomatoes and diverse piles of half-rotten produce that would be better used on some political representatives of various countries*