[stargate: atlantis fic] universal constants, pg

[hihoplastic]

universal constants
- stargate: atlantis
- rodney, john/elizabeth
- 2880
- pg
- for antiqueskies. who, in this post, proclaimthed unto me, 'i haveth an awesome fic idea, but i shalt not write it, for i art a ho.' ...so i stole it and named it Pookie.
- thanks to multicolour for the flailing/beta'ing/encouragement! (countdown to world domination!)
- note: this is pure and utter self-indulgent, cliché, fluffy crack.



The last thing he hears is Elizabeth's panicked, 'Rodney, don't touch th-'

and then he blacks out.

--

When he wakes up, John and Elizabeth are hovering over opposite sides of his head.

'Rodney, are you alright?' she asks.

'Of course I'm not al-' he starts, but his head is fine and his back is fine and he frowns. 'Huh.'

John rolls his eyes and helps him sit up. 'This is why you should let Lizzie do the Ancient translating - she understands where the 'do not touch' buttons are.'

'Oh, thank you, Mr. Obvious, I'll do my best next time not to - did you just call her Lizzie?'

--

When he wakes up, John is prodding him in the side.

'Get up,' he says. 'You're fine.'

Rodney blinks. 'Nice to see you, too,' he mutters. 'What happened?'

'You touched the 'do not touch' button.'

Rodney mutters something and shakes his head. When he finally gets his bearings, he finds John at his left, Elizabeth some ten feet off to his right, and he sighs dramatically.

'Oh, now what?'

--

John and Elizabeth exchange glances.

'You sure you're alright, Rodney?' Elizabeth asks, concerned.

'Yeah, fine, fine.' He shakes his head. 'Hungry.'

John smirks. 'What else is new?' He turns back to Elizabeth. 'Mind if we skip out for a bit? They're serving turkey sandwiches today...sort of.'

His grin makes her roll her eyes and smile. 'Go. But straight to Carson afterwards, and you are helping me catalogue this later.'

There must be something in her tone, because his face lights up even more and he kisses her swiftly. 'You're the best.'

'Go,' she laughs, and smacks his ass with her file on his way out the door.

Rodney blinks rapidly, trying to comprehend what he just saw. A second later John ducks his head back around the door panel. 'Are you coming?'

Rodney's jaw hits the floor.

--

Elizabeth frowns. 'Excuse me?'

Rodney grumbles as he climbs to his feet, brushing imaginary dust off his pants.

'There's more than a foot of space between you and a notable lack of doe-eyes. Obviously you're fighting about something. Again.'

'Space?' Elizabeth asks.

'Doe-eyes?' John glowers.

Rodney looks back and forth between them with a look of mild horror. 'You haven't stopped having sex, have you? In case you've forgotten, that is really, really, bad for everybody, because when you two aren't getting any it's seriously-'

'Rodney!' Elizabeth shouts, over John's,

'McKay!'

They're both bright red.

Rodney looks terribly confused. 'What?'

--

'Did you just - she just - that is so-'

'You're babbling, McKay,' John smirks, strolling down the hallway toward the mess.

'Yeah, that's 'cause you - and she - and when did -'

John frowns and looks over at him. 'You sure you're alright?'

'No!'

Rodney stops suddenly and John turns.

'No, no, this is most definitely not right! Are you insane?' John blinks at the change in direction. 'She's your boss! Our boss! Do you have any idea what would happened to me if you got reassigned 'cause you couldn't handle the - ugh - I don't even want to think about - and when did you guys start - and what's with the-'

John taps his earpiece.

'Uh, 'Liz'beth, change of plans. We're gonna head straight to the infirmary. Rodney's...well...freakin' out.'

--

'That's inappropriate, McKay,' John mutters harshly, sparing Elizabeth a hesitant glance and swallowing tightly.

Rodney merely huffs. 'Please. I've given you both enough dating advice over the past three years to teach a college course.'

Elizabeth looks a little pale. 'Dating?'

John rears his head back like he's been smacked. 'Three years?'

Rodney pauses, looking from one to the other and back again. His gaze settles on Elizabeth, and he frowns. 'Hey! Why aren't you-' He blinks, then groans loudly. 'Oh, no.'

--

When they reach the infirmary, Elizabeth is already there, data pad tucked under one arm and frown in place. 'What's going on?'

'Oh, thank God, Carson,' Rodney heaves a sigh of relief, practically knocking her over to get to the doctor. John, already by her side, places his hand against her back to steady her; she turns into his touch and shoots him a brief smile of thanks.

'Stop that!' Rodney snaps.

They blink.

'Rodney,' Carson starts, but he's interrupted by flailing limbs.

'Carson, explain - them that PDAs - my health - indigestion - ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick.'

'Rodney, you need to calm down. Now start from the beginning and tell me what-'

'Is it April Fools? Am I being punk'd? Seriously, 'cause I'll have you know I have an aversion to surprises, ever since the time in grade four when Jimmy Pollini stuck a hamster down my-'

'Rodney!'

He stops and blinks and stares at Elizabeth with an open mouth - the clothes are different. Not jarringly so, but enough that that should have been the first thing he noticed. Both John and Elizabeth are dressed in black pants that have a suspiciously leather-like look to them and Elizabeth's shirt - though still red - is made of a much lighter material and lightly decorated with beads and gold thread. John's tac-vest - which looks like it has definitely seen better days - is thrown on over a peasant-style-

'Is that a tunic?'

John smirks. 'Hit your head a little hard there, huh, buddy?' He looks pointedly at Rodney's waist, wrapped in the same tan-colored cloth.

Rodney nearly squeals. 'What the hell is this? What did you do to me? I'm being punk'd. That's what this is.'

-and then there's the lighter color to her hair, the smoother skin, the laugh-lines; she's a little heavier, a little curvier. A lot curvier, actually. Especially around the -

'Oh, God!'

--

John drags him to the infirmary.

Carson confirms the jump in realities, and Elizabeth stays behind to hurriedly finish the translations in the Ancient room. Rodney fidgets and Carson glowers and John stands in the corner, frowning.

'Yes, yes, we all know I'm not 'of your world' now will you please get that thing out of my face?' He bats Carson's hand away. 'How do you have all this stuff, anyway?'

'The medical supplies?' Carson and John exchange a glance. 'The Daedalus brings them.'

'The who?'

John winces. 'Never mind.'

--

'You're - there's a - how did you - with him? I need to sit down.' He pushes Carson out of the way and collapses into the nearest chair. Meanwhile, John has taken a tense, protective stance in front of Elizabeth, shielding her almost entirely. Rodney rolls his eyes. 'And now he's going all Hercules on us.'

Placing a gentle, reassuring hand on John's arm, Elizabeth steps forward. 'You jumped realities, didn't you?'

'Well of course I jumped realities!' he snaps. 'This traumatizing...thing - would never occur in my reality, as if we don't have enough to deal with without you two playing house.'

If possible, Elizabeth looks even paler. John reaches out to her instinctively, Carson shoots them a sympathetic look, and Rodney glowers. 'What?'

'Tone it down a little, Rodney,' Carson admonishes under his breath.

'Look, I'm sorry, but where I come from, that-' He gestures frantically between them, at Elizabeth stomach, and then back between them again. '-would be a big, big no-no. So you'll have to excuse me if it's a little - ugh, like siblings-' He shakes his head as if to clear away the images. 'I can't believe the IOA isn't having a fit about this.' A lightbulb goes on over his head and his eyes widen. 'Unless there is no IOA.' He looks from one person to the other. 'You aren't in contact with Earth, are you?'

John shrugs and gives Elizabeth a quick, bashful smile. 'Looks like we're better off without 'em, huh?'

--

Rodney drums his heels against the metal chair-leg and John shoots him an annoyed look, so he knocks his feet harder and Carson rolls his eyes. Ronon reaches for his gun and Rodney stills.

There's a long, awkward pause, until finally he blurts: 'So I take it you and you and Elizabeth aren't-'

'No,' he says firmly.

'Huh.'

'What?'

Rodney feigns innocence. 'Huh? Oh, nothing.'

'McKay.'

'It's just...weird.' He shrugs. 'I spend so much of my time trying not to gag around you two making faces and calling each other 'pookie'. This is actually a nice relief.'

' 'Pookie' ?'

Rodney shrugs. 'It's happened once or twice.'

John just stares at him. ' 'Pookie' ?'

Rodney resists the urge to bang his head against the wall.

--

Rodney insists on futzing with anything Elizabeth will let him touch.

'It's almost funny,' John drawls, leaning casually against the wall. 'I think we actually found a Rodney who's superior to himself.'

Elizabeth looks up briefly from her research ('Exchanging Your McKay in 12 Easy Steps,' John snarks. She rolls her eyes. Rodney mock-gags) and cracks a smile.

'Yes, well, I'll have you know that the information at my disposal from the Daedalus and Earth transmissions has, on occasion, come in handy in terms of boosting Atlantis' power.'

John smirks. 'So you're saying you just have better luck?'

Rodney defaults to offended, then stops, thinks, and shrugs: 'Having more than one Zed-PM comes in handy, too.'

John gives a mock-sigh of awe. 'And he's humble, too.' He nudges Elizabeth's shoulder. 'You think we can trade?'

'Hey!' Rodney splutters. 'My other self resents that!'

Elizabeth laughs.

It isn't particularly loud or hearty, but it's real, with a large smile and dimples and a brightness in her eyes. Rodney stares, torn between the rare sight and the more familiar one - the way John is watching her like she's the only thing in the world he can see. After a moment, Elizabeth catches him staring and smiles self-consciously. 'What?'

'Nothing.' He blinks and shakes his head. They both frown, and Rodney resists the urge to roll his eyes at the synchronicity.

'McKay,' John starts.

'It's nothing, it's just - you guys look...' John raises his eyebrows. '...happy.'

Elizabeth looks confused. 'We are happy.'

'Yeah, no, I mean it's just...'

'We aren't happy in your universe?'

Rodney sighs, frustrated. 'Happy isn't the term I'd - I mean, you're not depressed if that's what you're asking.'

John narrows his eyes. 'It wasn't.'

Rodney hesitates. 'You're content,' he says finally. 'In my universe. You're both content.'

--

Elizabeth pages John within the hour.

'Zelenka and I believe we've found a way to link the two realities long enough to send this Rodney back.'

'And our McKay?' John asks, nodding his head to indicate that Rodney should follow him from the infirmary back to the Ancient lab.

'From what we can understand about the device, it keeps DNA signatures of both alternate-realtiy partners, and if one indicates - if, if the originator of the transfer indicates - that they want to return to their base-reality, the other will have to follow,' Zelenka informs them eagerly. 'It's really an - an - ingenious piece of technology. We believe it was designed to allow the Ancients the ability to study space-time as well as alternate dimensions, causation and the eh - eh - jak se česky řekne? - ah! the butterfly effect. Really...really very fascinating.'

'Yes,' Rodney drawls sarcastically, 'Entirely fascinating when you aren't the one swapping realities.'

John silences the comm and turns to Rodney, mildly defensive. 'What's wrong with this reality?'

Rodney rolls his eyes. 'You mean aside from the giant stick up Atlantis' collective ass?'

'Hey!'

'What? You can practically smell the IOA here. It's nauseating. As much as it sucks not having all these rations and supplies and...Zed-PMs...' Rodney grows wistful for a moment and Sheppard raises his eyebrows; Rodney waves his hand in front of his face and shakes his head. 'Even though! I'd rather wear an ugly tunic than deal with those bureaucrats. Atlantis is a colony - no fraternization policy, no higher-ups breathing down our necks. Free to do pretty much what we want...or, you know. Whatever Elizabeth will let us do.'

John nods slowly, considering his words. 'That sounds-' he starts seriously, then frowns: 'Did you just say tunic?'

--

'That isn't the ringing endorsement I was hoping for,' John mutters.

'Not much you can do about it,' Rodney shrugs, then shouts triumphantly when the computer beeps, ignoring the look that passes between John and Elizabeth. 'There! Power levels decreased, sensors strengthened, oh, and now you have hot water. You're welcome.'

John rolls his eyes. 'So much for humbl-'

'I think I've got something,' Elizabeth says suddenly. She flashes John an apologetic look for interrupting, then ushers Rodney over to take a look at her translation.

'Exploration...different realities...blah blah blah blah...you know, the Ancients really thought quite highly of themselves, didn't they?' Rodney intones.

'Yeah, unlike some people,' John drawls under his breath.

Rodney pretends not to hear. 'DNA...matter transfer...well that would certainly explain the - oh, no.'

'What?'

'The device has to be re-activated by whichever reality initiated the transfer,' Elizabeth supplies, looking to Rodney for confirmation. His groan is telling enough.

'God, I hope I'm as smart as I think I am.'

--

It takes Rodney all of eleven seconds to reprogram the device. 'What was so hard about that?' he demands, giving Zelenka a smug look.

'Rodney, are you sure you know what you're-'

'It's fine, Elizabeth. Besides, if I'm wrong, how many realities can their be, really?' Elizabeth arches an eyebrow and Rodney waves his hand. 'Don't answer that.'

'We just want to make sure-'

'You'll get your Rodney back, don't worry.'

'Not that it wasn't an...enlightening experience,' John adds, the quick glance he gives Elizabeth belaying the sarcasm in his tone.

'I'm here to serve,' Rodney says dryly. Elizabeth smirks and John rolls his eyes and Rodney rubs his hands together. 'Okay, are we ready? Good.' Without hesitation, he slaps his hand down on the circular indentation, and a hum gradually begins to fill the room. 'You, uh, you guys might to stand back. Not really sure what this thing's range is for - I hope there's not a time component for this thing. It would be really, really bad if I landed myself six months in the future or something - I mean, I haven't even gotten used to the concept yet, let alone the babysitting-'

--

'I'm sure it'll be fine,' John says. 'Besides, if you guys have all that fancy stuff from the Dead Ship-'

'The Daedalus, the Daedalus. You know, Greek mythology? Don't fly too high? Beware of painful death by falling from great heights? No, of course you don't. Anyway, I'm sure you're right. In fact, I'm probably figuring how out to get myself back right-'

--

There's a brief flash of light. John shields his eyes with his arm, and when he looks back Rodney is unconscious on the floor.

Zelenka steps closer and peers over his prone form. 'Is this the right one?'

John pokes Rodney's arm with his toe. 'Rodney,' he calls. Elizabeth stands quietly a few feet behind him. 'McKay!'

'I'm up!'

Zelenka jumps back as Rodney sits up suddenly. Elizabeth approaches cautiously, and John watches her out of the corner of his eye.

'Rodney?' she asks gently.

Rodney pinches his nose with one hand and waves his hand in front of his face with the other and says loudly, 'Yeah, yeah, it's me. The right me.'

'Are you alright?'

Taking a deep breath, he puffs out his cheeks until his ears pop. 'What? Oh, yeah. Fine. Universe vaulting is a bit like the bends.' He pauses. 'Except I'm hungry.'

'What else is new?' John mutters, a bit too harshly. The pause is a second too long, causing Rodney to glance up curiously. Elizabeth's hand is resting gently on John's arm, and she's staring at him with a nearly indecipherable expression. Indecipherable, Rodney thinks, to everyone except him. Mentally rolling his eyes, Rodney counts down, Three, two, one... Sure enough, John stares back for a long moment, then ducks his head and smiles up at her sheepishly.

Rodney bites back a groan. 'I guess some things are consistent in all universes.'

They both frown at that, then John shrugs and hauls him to his feet. 'C'mon. I think there's still some of that fake-chicken stuff in the mess.'

'After you get checked out by Carson,' Elizabeth adds.

Rodney rolls his eyes, but doesn't bother fighting it. 'Yes, mom,' he snarks, but there's an undertone of amusement that makes Elizabeth arch an eyebrow questioningly. Rodney says nothing, just smirks and nods and heads off for the infirmary.

'I'll make sure he doesn't get distracted on the way,' John drawls. Elizabeth nods, and smiles, and watches John's retreating form. When she can no longer hear his footsteps, she turns back to Zelenka.

'Good work, Radek,' she says fondly.

He smiles sheepishly. 'I did not do so much.'

'On the contrary.'

He shrugs. 'Thank you, Dr. Weir.'

Elizabeth tilts her head in acknowledgement, passes a hand over his shoulder and leaves. She's halfway out the door when she stops, and turns over her shoulder. 'Radek.'

'Yes?'

She opens her mouth; closes it. 'I-' she starts, then frowns. 'Did he say babysitting?'