Fic: Closure
Title: Closure
Author: kayevelyn
Fandom: X-men
Pairing: Erik/Charles
Rating: E is for everyone. A is for AAAAAANGST
Summary: He doesn't regret it. Really. Never.
Notes: Written for this prompt over at 1stclass-kink. Originally posted there. I just finally got up the courage to clean it up and repost it un-anon. .____.
So uh, yeah, people who follow this journal for Suju, if you've been wondering where I've been, I've just been camping out in X-men fandom, no biggie. >.> I'll come back just as soon as I work out all the feelings Charles and Erik have transplanted in me <.<
Disclaimer: I don't own or make any profit off of this :)
“Do you ever wonder if Charles let you do it?”
The pawn stops mid-move and Erik turns his head to look at Raven. She’s curled up on the bed, still such innocence even after three months on the run. She looks small, and she carries herself like she’s small, and a part of Erik wants to mold her, and make her stand up straight and take charge. The other part wants to let her be, because it’s a reminder of what was, and he wants that more than he’s willing to admit.
“What are we talking about?” He says it softly because nights like these are supposed to be just for the two of them. He keeps meaning to stop them, because he can’t be Erik anymore, and she can’t be Raven anymore, but she keeps coming to him, looking scared and young, and he can’t help but indulge her.
The others cannot know. They have such wavering faith as is.
Raven’s fingers play with the edge of the pillow. This hotel seems to be cleaner than the last one they were in. “When you killed Shaw.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He looks away and focuses on the chessboard. He’s playing himself and it’s not all that exciting, but it allows him to test his powers, train them to move small things precisely.
Raven shuts her mouth, and for a moment Erik really believes she’s going to drop it. He allows them their moments, small memories, quiet laughter about training, and Hank, and Alex, and Sean, and even Moira. But only small ones. Never long, never large. They never talk about it.
Talking about Charles and Shaw and death would be long and large and unwelcomed.
The bed shifts and Erik feels Raven’s arms wrap around his shoulders, looking over at the chessboard. The pieces are still moving, and he’s barely concentrating because now, against his will, he’s thinking. He looks down to pat her forearm and isn’t surprised to see it’s pale. She always tends to change back to that form whenever she feels scared, and unsure, and alone. It’s a comfort she says.
“You’re thinking about it,” she finally says, pressing herself fully against his back.
“Raven.” He tries to say it like a warning but it comes out too tender. He may not be Charles, not able to read minds, but her vulnerability is rolling off her like waves. She’s scared: of him, of saying what she wants, of saying something wrong, of being wrong.
“He had to have held on the entire time, didn’t he? Because if he didn't Shaw would have been able to move. And then.” She tightened her hold just for a moment. “He knew that if he let go Shaw was going to kill you.”
Erik is quiet for a moment, wondering if she will continue. But no. She seems to want him to participate. “I suppose.”
“He could see you. Through Shaw’s eyes, he could see what you were doing, and hear what you were saying.” Her chin rests in the crook of his collarbone, but he didn’t feel the discomfort it might have caused. “I was thinking that Shaw, he would have been screaming inside his own mind, trying to barter with Charles. Try to convince him to let him go and stop you from killing him.”
“He never would have agreed.” He says it without meaning too. He didn’t want to talk about this, and he didn’t want to listen to Raven’s fanciful ideas and regrets.
“No.” Erik feels her tuck her head, pressing her lips to the skin that was exposed at his neck. “He chose to let you kill Shaw instead of finding another way. He didn’t think to move him, or try to control him any further.”
“He couldn’t move him. It wasn’t a choice. He just couldn’t do it.” Erik says it quietly and fiercely.
“He held onto the end. I heard him screaming. I didn’t realize what was going on right then, but when I went running to him, he just had his fingers at his temple and he kept screaming until the connection finally broke.” Raven goes quiet again, and Erik wonders if this conversation is almost over. His chess game has come to a stop, and he is no longer in the mood to continue it. He’s suddenly tired. “He must have been in so much pain.”
“Does this conversation have a point?” He stands, shrugging her off of him, and turns around. He’s guessed right, and she’s pale and human looking, curled up in the middle of the bed with wide eyes like she hadn’t realized she’d crossed a line.
She stutters, and then swallows, taking a deep breath. It takes her a moment but then she’s meeting his eyes and she no longer looks afraid.
“Charles let you have you revenge.”
“What does it matter?”
“It matters because you regret it.”
“I would never regret that.” He sneers as he says it because she’s so far off the mark.
“You regret it because you think that’s what made Charles start to hate you!” She stands on the bed, meeting his eye, looking down on him and he wants to knock her down but instead she just keeps talking. “You think that if maybe you hadn’t done that, that things would have gone differently. You sit here and wonder about it all the time and it’s screwing you up.” She reaches for him. “I’m just trying to tell you no, Charles didn’t hate you for that.” She grabs hold of Erik’s shoulder and he’s too shocked that she’s even doing this to pull back. “If we want to win this war you need to stop second guessing your actions.”
It takes Erik a moment to speak, and finally he swallows and lifts Raven’s hands off of his shoulders. “I regret nothing.” He pushes her back onto the bed. “Your insight has been helpful, and enlightening, but I think you should leave.”
She scrambles up to her feet, back to standing on the bed. “No.” Erik glares at her, and she falters for just a moment, but then her back straightens. “You don’t need to hide it from me Erik. I know you. I know how much Charles’ opinion meant to you and I know how much it hurts that he just let us go. Like he doesn’t care anymore, like he hates us.” Her voice has started to tremble. “He didn’t even try to fight for us.”
“He made his choice.”
“And that’s where we were both wrong.” She ignores Erik. “He didn’t fight us because he cared too much. He let us go because he knew it was what we wanted, and what we needed. And he let you kill Shaw because he needed you to find peace just as badly as you needed revenge.”
“Why are we still on this?”
“Because you aren’t understanding me!”
“What is there to understand?” He is shouting now and it’s probably gotten the attention of the others. Emma is probably reaching out for them right now, trying to figure out why they are fighting and he doesn’t want another telepath inside his mind but when he calls for his helmet Raven’s shout stops him.
“Stop thinking and listen to me!”
The helmet hits the ground.
She’s angry now, and it’s caused her to shift back to her true form. “Charles told me. He showed me, right before we left. He wanted you to know, that of all the things you did that day, killing Shaw was nothing to him.” Her voice drops. “If you had only done that, he would have let you stay.”
“Get out.”
“Erik-“
“Get out!” The door swings open with a bang and it shakes the entire room.
Raven doesn’t flinch as she climbs off the bed, and stalks past him. She’s no longer scared, no longer frightened. She turns to say something but Erik has the door slam shut and bolts it.
He listens until she’s finally gone, back to her own room. She can be the one to explain to the others, to tell them it’s nothing and to mind their own business.
He sits down. And he thinks.
He thinks about a lot of things.
Different moments, where it all went wrong. He had been sure he’d made Charles’ choice when he put on that helmet. He’d been positive. Charles had made it clear to him that he disapproved, but Erik knew he needed to do it.
Erik covers his face with his hand, and bites back a laugh.
Charles does things out of love, for the people he loves. Of course he does. Everyone does.
Erik was just too blinded to see. He wonders if Charles can ever forgive that.
Fin
Author: kayevelyn
Fandom: X-men
Pairing: Erik/Charles
Rating: E is for everyone. A is for AAAAAANGST
Summary: He doesn't regret it. Really. Never.
Notes: Written for this prompt over at 1stclass-kink. Originally posted there. I just finally got up the courage to clean it up and repost it un-anon. .____.
So uh, yeah, people who follow this journal for Suju, if you've been wondering where I've been, I've just been camping out in X-men fandom, no biggie. >.> I'll come back just as soon as I work out all the feelings Charles and Erik have transplanted in me <.<
Disclaimer: I don't own or make any profit off of this :)
“Do you ever wonder if Charles let you do it?”
The pawn stops mid-move and Erik turns his head to look at Raven. She’s curled up on the bed, still such innocence even after three months on the run. She looks small, and she carries herself like she’s small, and a part of Erik wants to mold her, and make her stand up straight and take charge. The other part wants to let her be, because it’s a reminder of what was, and he wants that more than he’s willing to admit.
“What are we talking about?” He says it softly because nights like these are supposed to be just for the two of them. He keeps meaning to stop them, because he can’t be Erik anymore, and she can’t be Raven anymore, but she keeps coming to him, looking scared and young, and he can’t help but indulge her.
The others cannot know. They have such wavering faith as is.
Raven’s fingers play with the edge of the pillow. This hotel seems to be cleaner than the last one they were in. “When you killed Shaw.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” He looks away and focuses on the chessboard. He’s playing himself and it’s not all that exciting, but it allows him to test his powers, train them to move small things precisely.
Raven shuts her mouth, and for a moment Erik really believes she’s going to drop it. He allows them their moments, small memories, quiet laughter about training, and Hank, and Alex, and Sean, and even Moira. But only small ones. Never long, never large. They never talk about it.
Talking about Charles and Shaw and death would be long and large and unwelcomed.
The bed shifts and Erik feels Raven’s arms wrap around his shoulders, looking over at the chessboard. The pieces are still moving, and he’s barely concentrating because now, against his will, he’s thinking. He looks down to pat her forearm and isn’t surprised to see it’s pale. She always tends to change back to that form whenever she feels scared, and unsure, and alone. It’s a comfort she says.
“You’re thinking about it,” she finally says, pressing herself fully against his back.
“Raven.” He tries to say it like a warning but it comes out too tender. He may not be Charles, not able to read minds, but her vulnerability is rolling off her like waves. She’s scared: of him, of saying what she wants, of saying something wrong, of being wrong.
“He had to have held on the entire time, didn’t he? Because if he didn't Shaw would have been able to move. And then.” She tightened her hold just for a moment. “He knew that if he let go Shaw was going to kill you.”
Erik is quiet for a moment, wondering if she will continue. But no. She seems to want him to participate. “I suppose.”
“He could see you. Through Shaw’s eyes, he could see what you were doing, and hear what you were saying.” Her chin rests in the crook of his collarbone, but he didn’t feel the discomfort it might have caused. “I was thinking that Shaw, he would have been screaming inside his own mind, trying to barter with Charles. Try to convince him to let him go and stop you from killing him.”
“He never would have agreed.” He says it without meaning too. He didn’t want to talk about this, and he didn’t want to listen to Raven’s fanciful ideas and regrets.
“No.” Erik feels her tuck her head, pressing her lips to the skin that was exposed at his neck. “He chose to let you kill Shaw instead of finding another way. He didn’t think to move him, or try to control him any further.”
“He couldn’t move him. It wasn’t a choice. He just couldn’t do it.” Erik says it quietly and fiercely.
“He held onto the end. I heard him screaming. I didn’t realize what was going on right then, but when I went running to him, he just had his fingers at his temple and he kept screaming until the connection finally broke.” Raven goes quiet again, and Erik wonders if this conversation is almost over. His chess game has come to a stop, and he is no longer in the mood to continue it. He’s suddenly tired. “He must have been in so much pain.”
“Does this conversation have a point?” He stands, shrugging her off of him, and turns around. He’s guessed right, and she’s pale and human looking, curled up in the middle of the bed with wide eyes like she hadn’t realized she’d crossed a line.
She stutters, and then swallows, taking a deep breath. It takes her a moment but then she’s meeting his eyes and she no longer looks afraid.
“Charles let you have you revenge.”
“What does it matter?”
“It matters because you regret it.”
“I would never regret that.” He sneers as he says it because she’s so far off the mark.
“You regret it because you think that’s what made Charles start to hate you!” She stands on the bed, meeting his eye, looking down on him and he wants to knock her down but instead she just keeps talking. “You think that if maybe you hadn’t done that, that things would have gone differently. You sit here and wonder about it all the time and it’s screwing you up.” She reaches for him. “I’m just trying to tell you no, Charles didn’t hate you for that.” She grabs hold of Erik’s shoulder and he’s too shocked that she’s even doing this to pull back. “If we want to win this war you need to stop second guessing your actions.”
It takes Erik a moment to speak, and finally he swallows and lifts Raven’s hands off of his shoulders. “I regret nothing.” He pushes her back onto the bed. “Your insight has been helpful, and enlightening, but I think you should leave.”
She scrambles up to her feet, back to standing on the bed. “No.” Erik glares at her, and she falters for just a moment, but then her back straightens. “You don’t need to hide it from me Erik. I know you. I know how much Charles’ opinion meant to you and I know how much it hurts that he just let us go. Like he doesn’t care anymore, like he hates us.” Her voice has started to tremble. “He didn’t even try to fight for us.”
“He made his choice.”
“And that’s where we were both wrong.” She ignores Erik. “He didn’t fight us because he cared too much. He let us go because he knew it was what we wanted, and what we needed. And he let you kill Shaw because he needed you to find peace just as badly as you needed revenge.”
“Why are we still on this?”
“Because you aren’t understanding me!”
“What is there to understand?” He is shouting now and it’s probably gotten the attention of the others. Emma is probably reaching out for them right now, trying to figure out why they are fighting and he doesn’t want another telepath inside his mind but when he calls for his helmet Raven’s shout stops him.
“Stop thinking and listen to me!”
The helmet hits the ground.
She’s angry now, and it’s caused her to shift back to her true form. “Charles told me. He showed me, right before we left. He wanted you to know, that of all the things you did that day, killing Shaw was nothing to him.” Her voice drops. “If you had only done that, he would have let you stay.”
“Get out.”
“Erik-“
“Get out!” The door swings open with a bang and it shakes the entire room.
Raven doesn’t flinch as she climbs off the bed, and stalks past him. She’s no longer scared, no longer frightened. She turns to say something but Erik has the door slam shut and bolts it.
He listens until she’s finally gone, back to her own room. She can be the one to explain to the others, to tell them it’s nothing and to mind their own business.
He sits down. And he thinks.
He thinks about a lot of things.
Different moments, where it all went wrong. He had been sure he’d made Charles’ choice when he put on that helmet. He’d been positive. Charles had made it clear to him that he disapproved, but Erik knew he needed to do it.
Erik covers his face with his hand, and bites back a laugh.
Charles does things out of love, for the people he loves. Of course he does. Everyone does.
Erik was just too blinded to see. He wonders if Charles can ever forgive that.
Fin