Almost Normal
Author: ryosukekoibito
Pairing: none
Rating: PG
Warnings: portrayals of negative body image
Genre: Magical realisim
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone from J&A.
Summary: When Hikaru doesn't show up for practice, Keito thinks he might not really be sick.
A/N: This is a sequel to Special, and is set in an AU where J&A is a haven for superpowered boys and men.
One of the best things about winter Keito felt, was Takaki. His groupmates’ special abilities were all amazing, and fun to witness, but when it got cold outside, Takaki was appreciated above everyone else, for one simple reason: he was warm. Takaki’s special thing was that he could absorb heat, store it inside of himself, and then let it out as he saw fit. So, when the temperature dropped he became the group’s center of attention. And so, it was no surprise when one morning, a little over a week into February Keito walked into a practice room to find Takaki in a corner, with Chinen glued to one side, Yuto on the other, while Inoo sat in his lap, purring, his catlike ears tickling Takaki’s chin, his tail wrapped around his legs.
Takaki didn’t seem to mind the snuggling, the little group radiating comfort, and the sight made Keito smile as he walked up, saying his greetings and scooting in and pressing his own body up against Takaki’s back, feeling warmth seeping into him, warming his muscles and relaxing him. In the next ten minutes a few more of their groupmates came in, everyone moving to join the ball of snuggling bodies on the floor. Daiki teleported over as soon as he appeared in the room, landing on top of them all to a chorus of groans and laughs, and it was nice. It was only a few minutes before their dance rehearsal was due to start when Yabu called, telling a concerned sounding Yamada that he was sick and wouldn’t make it in to practice. Almost as soon as that call ended Inoo got a call from Hikaru, he too declaring himself too sick to come to rehearsal.
It was the time of the year for sickness, and Yabu’s call hadn’t been that big of a surprise-he’d been snivelling and coughing for the past few days. Inoo too had been rather sluggish, and Keito had wondered on occasion if he was catching some sickness. Inoo was always one of the worst ones affected by the cold, his cat like features more than just external-his internal body temperature naturally ran a few degrees warmer than that of a normal person, and as a result he felt the cold more harshly than the rest of them did. Hikaru’s call however, had been a surprise. It wasn’t like him to miss work, even if he was sick, and he’d seemed fine the day before. Rehearsal started without them, and throughout it Keito couldn’t escape this nagging feeling that maybe Hikaru wasn’t sick at all. Maybe Hikaru was just hiding.
Hikaru’s special ability was a well kept secret, Keito himself only having learned about it only eight months previous. Hikaru had a physical aberration, like Yamada or Inoo. The only reason Keito hadn’t known was that Yabu helped Hikaru hide it. Yabu explained it to him once, a few days after Keito had first found out about Hikaru. Yabu’s special thing was that he could will things out of existence for as long as he was focused on doing so. He’d been willing what he called ‘Hikaru’s deformations’ out of existence during the day, for almost as long as they’d known each other, and he’d told Keito that the arrangement had become such a constant in their lives that it was something that he barely noticed he was doing anymore. Still, Keito thought, as rehearsal ended, and he started packing up, if Yabu was sick enough, maybe he couldn’t do it. Maybe Hikaru was just afraid of someone seeing him.
Keito couldn’t shake the idea, and so after they all went their separate ways instead of going home he decided to visit Hikaru, stopping in a convenience store on his way to Hikaru’s apartment, deciding to gear himself up with some snacks as an incentive to get through the door. Hikaru had never invited anyone over to his place, and Keito only knew where it was because he’d been with their manager once when the man had needed to drop something off for Hikaru. He was rather nervous, afraid he would be told to fuck off and turned away, and so he left the convenience store with copious amounts of chocolate and chips, picking snacks he knew Hikaru liked.
Keito got there as the sun slipped under the Tokyo skyline, and he was eager to get inside, the cold having started to make his ears burn and his nose run. He rang the doorbell, and almost immediately there was a crashing noise from inside, and he expected the door to be opened after a few moments. But there was nothing. He stood there, outside Hikaru’s door for a full minute to no response before he rang the doorbell again. Still, there was nothing, and the suspicion Keito had felt all day only grew when he realized Hikaru was intentionally giving him the cold shoulder. And so he knocked on the door, abandoning the doorbell in favor of an incessant knocking, calling out
“I’m not going home! You can’t just leave me out here! I won’t stop until I see you!” The knocking continued for another full minute before suddenly the door swung open, Hikaru’s head peering around the frame, looking annoyed but healthy, and he snapped at Keito, eyes narrowed and glaring. Keito could feel Hikaru’s irritation, feel it prickling at his own skin before Hikaru even opened his mouth.
“What the hell?!” Hikaru’s tone was cold, and Keito felt rather embarrassed, but the relief he felt at seeing Hikaru outweighed any embarrassment over his behavior.
“I brought you snacks. I thought maybe you were hiding and...I wanted to see you.” Keito’s confession was met with a long blank stare from Hikaru, the irritation dissipating a little as Keito held out the plastic bag filled with the spoils from his shopping, hoping it would be enough as he asked “Can I come in?” Hikaru treated him to a long, hard stare, before sighing and nodding, stepping back just enough for Keito to fit through the doorway before snapping the door shut. Keito glanced around Hikaru’s apartment. It was for the most part exactly how he’d pictured it.
Eclectic, colorful furniture with vibrant patterns decorated the space, somehow all unique and able to fit together at once. It was busy, and a little cluttered, tall bookshelves crammed full of books lined one wall, while a huge television surrounded by gaming consoles and their accessories took up another. Hikaru had all of the curtains drawn, and it was a little messier than Keito had expected, but his musings on the apartment came to a screeching halt when he turned to look at Hikaru properly for the first time, Keito’s breath catching in his throat, despite his best efforts to stay calm. He’d been right. He’d been expecting this, and yet it was still shocking.
Hikaru was bare chested, and his chest was bowed out, distorted, stretching the skin in a way that just looked unnatural and painful, extra muscles bulging under the skin. But even more startling were his wings. He had them folded up as tight to his body as he could get them, and yet they still seemed bigger than the last time Keito had seen them. They were enormous, despite being folded they were taller than he was, and they looked wretched, the skin scarred and tattered and ugly, the bones exposed in points at the joints, looking sharp, like they could cut flesh if they came into contact with it, and while it was a sight Keito had seen before, it wasn’t something he was by any means used to, and as he took Hikaru’s body in, it all just looked so painful.
“Want to sit? I can get tea or something.” Hikaru offered, seeming rather self conscious. Keito nodded, and Hikaru gestured to his couch, before turning away, headed off toward what Keito assumed must be the kitchen. As he went his wings bumped into a bookcase, making it wobble a bit, one precariously perched book tumbling to the floor, landing with a thump. Keito hastened to pick it up, Hikaru turning and looking embarrassedly over his shoulder, before sighing and continuing on his way. Perhaps the apartment wasn’t usually this messy. Maybe Hikaru was just too big for it right now. He took a seat on the couch, putting the bag of snacks on Hikaru’s coffee table, and after a few minutes Hikaru returned, tea in hand.
He handed Keito a cup, Keito thanking him for it as Hikaru sat on the floor, across the table from him. As he sat down he stretched his wings out to allow the motion, and Keito sat there, amazed, as Hikaru’s wingspan expanded. His wings stretched out across the whole living room, wings brushing the walls on both sides, still not quite at their full display. He was staring, and he realized it, burying his face in his cup and saying
“Sorry.” Hikaru shrugged, but as he did he winced, one hand coming up to rub at his shoulder, a sigh making his bowed out chest rise and fall, his lips pursed, brow furrowed, as his fingers ran over the muscles of his shoulders. His wings sagged, the skin of them trailing on the ground, as though he was tired of holding them up, and Keito had the sudden realization that maybe Hikaru hated the wings for more reasons than the way they looked. Maybe they were a burden physically too.
“Does it hurt?” He asked, the question past his lips before he realized what a terrible mistake it probably was, feeling stupid at once. Hikaru just treated him to a long look, his brow furrowed, confused, as though he was trying to figure out just what the hell Keito was doing. Finally though, right as Keito was about to apologize for the insensitive question, Hikaru nodded, his wings stretching a little.
“They weigh a ton. I...when I’m like this I weigh twice as much as I do when I’m at work, and my body isn’t used to it. They’ve always been like this. Too heavy. But when Yabu helps out he doesn’t just make them invisible, he makes them go away, so I don’t feel the effects of them anymore. I haven’t had to deal with them while the sun was still up since I was a kid, so when I do...I really feel it. I don't have much of a tolerance anymore.” Hikaru’s words came slowly, like he was trying to figure out how to say them, and he was watching Keito the whole time, as if gauging Keito’s reaction to every word he said. It had been about seven months since Keito had first found out about Hikaru’s special something, yet this was the first time they had talked about any of it, the only previous acknowledgement that anything was different a few lingering glances in practice room mirrors.
As they drank their tea Hikaru pulled a pill bottle out of the pocket of his sweatpants, taking a couple before setting the bottle down on the table. Painkillers. Keito winced. They finished their tea in relative silence, and Hikaru glanced at the door as though expecting Keito to leave now that he’d had a chance to stare. Keito felt rather sad, and he asked tentatively
“Can I stay for a while?” Hikaru looked over at him in surprise at the question, his voice unsure when he spoke.
“It’ll be weird though. With me like this.”
“I don’t mind.” Keito told him, and it was the truth. It was amazing, really, Hikaru’s true form, but the longer Keito looked at it the more used to it he became. He was already much more comfortable looking at Hikaru now than he had been when he’d first walked in the door. “Besides,” He said, passing Hikaru the bag from the convenience store. “I got you chocolate. Are you going to reject my feelings?” His little quip caught Hikaru’s attention, and the older man dug inside the bag, pulling out three separate boxes of chocolates, all of which were done up in pinks and reds, with hearts for Valentine’s day, as the holiday was only a few days off. Hikaru smiled, tension draining from his body as he looked at the candy boxes, and he nodded, making a show of sighing and telling Keito he could stay, but there was a teasing, affectionate light in his eyes this time, and it made Keito smile too.
They ended up breaking into the chocolate and playing video games. Hikaru’s current favorites were racing games, so they played a lot of those, Keito joining Hikaru on his floor, sitting with one of Hikaru’s wings brushing against his back as they grappled with their controllers. As they played any remaining tension was washed away, and as evening turned to night that wing that had just been lightly brushing Keito’s back ended up resting across his shoulders. Hikaru hadn’t been exaggerating. It was heavy. It was also cold, Keito realizing that Hikaru was shivering, his arms held close to his body, knees drawn as close to his bare chest as he could get them. Keito had on layers, a long sleeved shirt on underneath his sweater, but Hikaru had nothing, naked from the waist up.
Keito moved, scooting closer, until they were pressed up against each other, able to feel Hikaru’s shivers. Keito half expected Hikaru to startle and pull away, considering how on edge he’d been at the beginning of the evening, but instead Hikaru did the exact opposite. He leaned into Keito’s side, shoving a piece of chocolate into his mouth and pressing his cold body against Keito. It was only a minute or so after the initial contact that Keito decided to offer tentatively, as he fell behind in their virtual high speed car chase.
“If you want, we could cuddle.” Hikaru froze for a moment before turning his gaze away from the television screen completely, giving Keito an incredulous look. Keito paused the game, the sudden silence putting him on edge a little as he lowered his controller. “I mean, you’re cold, and you don’t have any shirts that fit you, right?” For a moment Keito thought Hikaru might be angry, his gaze fierce. But he didn’t feel angry, and Keito was pretty much always right about those types of things, so he wasn’t quite sure what to think. Then, after a painfully tense moment, Hikaru asked
“How would you propose that would work?” Keito set his controller down on the floor for a moment, thinking, his eyes sweeping the room.
“Can you get on the couch?” He asked, and Hikaru nodded, standing and pulling his wings in, walking the short distance over to the couch, before pausing and turning to give Keito a self conscious look over his shoulder. He then proceeded to wrap his huge, tattered wings around himself like a burrito, and flopped down on the couch, looking rather like a cartoon vampire in a coffin. It was funny, but Keito did his best not to laugh, Hikaru looking up at him from his spot on the couch, feeling vulnerable and embarrassed. A smile slipped past Keito’s defenses however, and Hikaru noticed, pushing himself to his feet and unfurling his wings, muttering
“This was stupid.”
“No!” Keito declared, getting to his feet. He’d been doing so well. He didn’t want Hikaru to be uncomfortable; not when he’d finally relaxed. “Here.” He crossed the space separating them in a matter of moments, leaning in and wrapping his arms around Hikaru’s torso as best he could, pressing his chest to Hikaru’s disfigured, bowed out one, feeling Hikaru’s cold skin under his palms. Hikaru just stood there for a moment, feeling tense again, and Keito asked “Can...can you wrap up now, like you did before, with me inside too?”
Hikaru’s face was only a few centimeters away from his, and Hikaru fixed him with a stare like he thought Keito was crazy, but then he hugged Keito back, and his huge, demonic wings stretched out, before furling around behind Keito, cocooning him inside their embrace. They stood there for a few moments, Hikaru still feeling self conscious, still embarrassed, and he asked pointedly
“Now what? We can’t move.” Keito shrugged.
“I mean, I was thinking maybe we could do this on the couch, but I don’t know if it’s big enough.”
“Was this just a ploy to stop playing, because I was whupping your ass?” Hikaru asked, a little bit of his joking tone returning, and Keito huffed defensively, pretending to be angry, and muttering humorously about how people couldn’t just do nice things anymore without being suspected of having ulterior motives. Hikaru chuckled, Keito feeling it in his body as he moved, and he paused, resting his head on Hikaru’s shoulder. “Are you getting warmer?” Hikaru adjusted the way his arms were resting around Keito’s ribs, and he nodded.
“Yeah. I just wish you were Takaki.” The joke made Keito break out into a smile, and he told Hikaru about how that morning before rehearsal Hikaru had missed another classic Takaki snuggle fest. The conversation naturally turned to work, the things Hikaru had missed, and the parts Keito was struggling with, and almost as if reminding his body of the exercise he’d done earlier in the day he felt himself growing sleepy, wrapped up in the cocoon of Hikaru’s wings. He wasn’t the only one, Hikaru yawning, and Keito thought that perhaps he should excuse himself, and actually go home, when Hikaru said “Are you sure you’re cool with this whole thing? I’m not going to be mad if you think I’m a freak. You don’t need to pretend to be fine with it to be nice.”
“I really am fine with it! You’re still you. I don’t care what you look like.” Keito assured him. And it was the truth. Hikaru fell silent, another yawn escaping his lips, and he offered
“D’you want to stay over?” Keito was feeling rather comfortable, all things considered. Hikaru’s wings were warming up, not so cold on Keito’s skin; his arms strong and comforting around Keito’s torso, and while his chest was shaped rather awkwardly, it didn’t get in the way as much as Keito would have thought. Keito had never been one to say no to cuddling ever, and so he nodded. He didn’t have anywhere to be in the morning anyway. “Cool.” Hikaru declared, pleased. “Let’s move this party to a more horizontal location.”
They shuffled to Hikaru’s bedroom, Hikaru not even turning on the lights, just directing Keito to the bed, Keito running into it and promptly flopping down, Hikaru adjusting them, dragging Keito’s body into his chest and moving his wings so that they were in more or less the same position they’d been in before, in the living room, but now they were lying down. Keito was still wrapped up in Hikaru’s wings, and he had to ask, worried
“Am I too heavy?”
“Nah.” Hikaru assured him. “I sleep wrapped up like this if I go to sleep after Yabu does. I’m used to lying on my wings.” He paused, suddenly self conscious. “Just watch out for the spikes.” Hikaru warned, and Keito nodded. The conversation continued, turning to more light hearted topics, and honestly Keito didn’t remember falling asleep, waking up the next morning to the bed shifting. He opened his eyes to see Hikaru sitting up, his cell phone in his hand, looking perfectly normal. Perfectly human. Hikaru smiled at him, happiness coming from him in waves, telling him excitedly that Yabu was feeling much better, and Keito nodded, feeling rather speechless as he took Hikaru’s body in.
Hikaru set his phone down, expression uncharacteristically serious, and he said
“Thanks for...yesterday. You made me feel almost normal.” Keito didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to respond, to express his thoughts, so instead he smiled and nodded, Hikaru smiling back, yawning and running a hand through his hair. He wanted to reach out and touch Hikaru, touch his flat chest and the bare spaces on his back that he knew the wings jutted out from, but he didn’t. He couldn’t find it in himself to ask, surprised to find that as he looked at Hikaru’s beautiful body, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed.