Blue Chapter 2
--X--
Nooj spoke, even before the Commsphere screen had entirely cleared of bluish static, “What’s the status report in Bevelle?”
“All’s fine and dandy,” Gippal replied quickly. “Well, aside from the sudden invasion of zombies.”
“Zombies?” Nooj echoed, his tone just dripping with disbelief.
“He means fiends,” Baralai supplied. “ ( Read more... )
Comments 7
This chapter advanced the plot quite well. The characters are nicely drawn and accurately depicted. I particularly like the little bits of social history you drop in.
I found a trio of teeny errors:
he had to make due with standing. - the word should be 'do'
even if they day before he had killed her undead father - 'the' not 'they'
This last one is not an error but may be an (unintentional?) double entendre.
he couldn’t begin to imagine the trappings hidden away in all of Gippal’s secret places. - I would be willing to bet he does not have to imagine; he knows! LOL
Keep it up, ladies. This is going alone very well. ;)
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That last one was intentional, actually. ;) Baralai was reminiscing about the days when he first met Gippal, when he would have had no idea (about either)!
I'm so glad you're enjoying it and that we've brightened up an otherwise boring day. ;)
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Some things. Um, [insert point about epithets here]. ._. Some of Baralai's dialogue didn't scan very well for me, it felt sort of unnatural? Mostly in the scene with Gippal, and all the lines that have no contractions, which is really odd, because Baralai actually uses contractions quite often.
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Re: Baralai's dialogue -- actually, before writing this chapter, we had been watching some clips on YouTube from the game. I, in particular, had noticed a distinct lack of contractions in Baralai's lines, and in some strange places too. I think it was the scene where he first meets Yuna, but more than a week later, I can't quite remember. ;.;
It is overdone in the beginning of this chapter though, I will give you that. Maybe he's speaking ultra-formally in order to steer Gippal away from his ideas of a morning in bed... ;) "Oh man, Baralai's not using contractions, I'm not going to get any sex today..."
(Even if not, that might be an excellent tactic...)
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I'm enjoying the unusual plot on this, too -- the question of Gippal's parentage is interesting. It makes sense that Baralai would obsess over it, and that he would be too shocked and wary to ask Gippal about it directly.
I did also find the lack of contractions in Baralai's speech jarring; it's true that he doesn't use as many as most people, but I'd be surprised if he never used any.
What you're doing with the friendship/relationship between Baralai and Yuna is great -- I always enjoy the overtones between them, and the way you work it here makes a lot of sense. And of course any implication that Paine and Nooj are together makes me happy -- I'm so predictable. ;) It's a good mix of relationships and I look forward to seeing what happens with it all.
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