Blue Chapter 3

[rytings]

“How about that reward?”

Baralai turned to look at Gippal curiously. “Reward? Did I promise you a reward?”

Gippal rolled his eye - his eyes, Baralai knew secretly - and stepped forward to join Baralai at the window. Baralai turned back to his original position, staring out the open picture window at the dark Bevelle sky. The lights of the

Comments

I

[kunstarniki]

You (pl.) write very lyrical Al Bhed. Thank you for the translations; they are nicely integrated. Baralai's complex relationships are clearly presented and the inclusion of the Sphere Break game done with easy skill. *applause*

You have created a plausible world for the characters to inhabit and are holding the various personas to their proper guise. I can recognize them by their speech. Wakka is particularly well drawn. The plot thickens very satisfactorily. My curiosity is aroused and I anticipate next Saturday.

Mesdames! Brava! ;)

Re: I

[rytings]

Thanks Ikon. =) You'll get a lot of Wakka in the next chapter... which you may or may not like. ;)

[heyheyrenay]

Um. Um. Mantouching? TOTALLY APPROVE? ;f;asdlkhgf;sf I'M SORRY I HAVE SO LITTLE TO SAY IN RESPONSE. But. Mantouching. Anyway, moving on.

Okay, so Baralai is one crafty bastard with his digging for information from Rin. That was awesome. I really loved their entire scene together quite a lot, with how they interacted with one another. But of course, I get to rain on the parade with something:

"Ah, there you are Praetor," said Rin in his characteristic Al Bhed accent. This basically ripped me right out of the story, to be honest, and interrupted the flow in the transition from Baralai's thoughts to the scene. This is mainly because we know Rin's accent already, and Baralai already knows Rin has an accent and would likely not think of it, so author voice basically barges on in and sits down going "HAI GUYZ!" in the manner of lolcats. Probably this isn't what you intended, and it's a huge shame because of the awesome world building that happened in previous paragraphs.

Also: epithets are still pinging me out, and they're getting sneaky

[rytings]

Ah -- what I (who wrote the line) wanted to do with that was hinging on the next line, in which Baralai realizes that Gippal has no outstanding accent, which is now, in Baralai's brain, yet another weird thing that he took for granted about Gippal. In essence, I wanted to rip Baralai out of one of his little securities with a little thing like a spoken accent, but maybe it inadvertently transferred onto the reader.

(Insert tl;dr information here regarding how Gippal actually has a slight Pittsburgh accent.)

I'm glad you approved of the truncated boysex. We figured it would be a shame to write Gippalai without any, you know, Gippalai. ;)

[tikkuy]

OH YES. Yes. Please. More. Write more. That chapter was great. You've got lots of suspense hanging everywhere, I can't wait to find out what happened with Gippal's blue eye. Maybe Gippal is wearing colour contact lenses so he LOOKS like an Al Bhed. I'm sure they had colour contact lenses then. Duh.
Um.
-runs off to fantasy land-

[iamleaper]

I'm glad you like it! We update every Saturday!

=) That's an interesting theory too! Actually, in this story, Gippal has one blue and one green eye, like Yuna does. The contact thing... hm. Hm hm hm. That's an interesting idea too!

[tikkuy]

Oh, is it really? xD I only meant it as a joke, although it could work. I was just thinking, Baralia having pointed out Gippal's accent (or lack of) and his eye...It made me thought that maybe he wore a green colour contact lense just to look a bit more rebel. Haha, quite farfetched, I know.

[owlmoose]

Great chapter -- the sex scene is both hot and conveys a lot about both men, and the conversation with Rin is just excellent. I like all the world-building you do here, too, how you bring us up to date on how Spira has changed and share the details of exactly how it happened. Also, Rin coming out of the closet! Gotta love that.

And now, onto the next...

[iamleaper]

If anyone would come out of the closet first, it would be Rin. ;)

World-building is fun!

[raserei_hojo]

Hooray for mantouching!