I like the poems.elbalesMarch 25 2005, 10:29:57 UTC
I have some suggestions for a couple of these. Hope you don't mind the kibbitzing.
The sky has blessed this land (That I drive through today) <-- I'd cut this. The poem's about the landscape, not you. With water from the heavens
The sun shines through the clouds Here and there, there and here And (the) colors ignite across the land <-- The article isn't doing any work. Fire it. ;)
Earth and sky merge in (a) grey mist <-- Ditto here. In fact, I'd suggest going through "Desert Glory" and taking a close look at all of the articles. Often in poetry you don't need them
( ... )
Re: I like the poems.rurounitrivMarch 25 2005, 19:53:46 UTC
Hey, what's the sense in having an editor for a friend if you get snippy when she offers advice? ;)
I knew there were some awkward places in there - they're pretty much rough drafts, even now, and were rougher in my notebook. Your suggestions look like they'll make a vast improvement to things. *pulls up WP and starts tweaking, since Shadowfire doesn't seem to be cooperating tonight*
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Thanks for taking us with in our minds. :) Good poems, too.
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The sky has blessed this land
(That I drive through today) <-- I'd cut this. The poem's about the landscape, not you.
With water from the heavens
The sun shines through the clouds
Here and there, there and here
And (the) colors ignite across the land <-- The article isn't doing any work. Fire it. ;)
Earth and sky merge in (a) grey mist <-- Ditto here. In fact, I'd suggest going through "Desert Glory" and taking a close look at all of the articles. Often in poetry you don't need them ( ... )
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I knew there were some awkward places in there - they're pretty much rough drafts, even now, and were rougher in my notebook. Your suggestions look like they'll make a vast improvement to things. *pulls up WP and starts tweaking, since Shadowfire doesn't seem to be cooperating tonight*
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