EPIC BEAST PWNAGE!!!11!1! (plus a malt XD)
Story: Blaze Mafia Family
Title: EPIC BEAST PWNAGE!!!11!1!
Prompts: Carob #2: humiliation, FotD: bumptious (crudely, presumptuously, or loudly self-assertive) + malt (spaceangelacid ’s Dare: Someone wants to film a viral video and become the next SUPER INTERNET ACTION STAR. XD) + chopped nuts + cherry (script format) + root beer float
Rating: PG13
Characters: Paul Robinson, Firebird Blaze, Nicky Nails Blaze, Internet child
Summary: Woo! There are only five more days until ScriptFrenzy! Time to warm up my nonexistent script writing skills in preparation. XD This is chopped nuts because the canon timeline takes place before the invention of computers. However, if the Blazes did live in the age of technology, I’m sure YouTube would be a rather amusing nuisance. XD
Middle of the day at the Blaze Office. Firebird is working on her computer, Nicky Nails is surfing the internet on his laptop, and Paul is falling asleep in the corner.
All of a sudden, Nicky Nails laughs loudly.
Nicky: Oh, Pauly-boy, you’re in the shithouse now.
Firebird and Paul both look over at Nicky. He stands up and brings his laptop to Firebird’s desk.
Firebird: (raises an eyebrow) This is what you do all day? Waste your time on YouTube?
Nicky: Watch this first then you can tell me if I’m wasting my time.
Nicky points at the screen. Above the video is the title: EPIC BEAST PWNAGE!!!11!1!
Paul: (grumbles) Oh god.
Nicky: (grins) Hold that thought, son.
Nicky starts the video. It shows a webcam shot of a lanky boy in his late teens with dyed black hair and some acne sitting too close to his computer.
Kid: Hey guys. It’s Double-O Awesome here.
Firebird: (snorts) What the hell are we watching?
Nicky: Hush.
Kid: ...all my loyal fans know that it is my ultimate mission to find the first solid evidence of the imminent zombie apocalypse, but today I have to show you guys the most...
The boy sits back in his chair and puts his hands up, obviously at a loss for words.
Kid: EPIC...badassery that has ever graced the streets of New Palermo. I’m serious. Epic is epic and there is nothing more epic than what I caught on tape two days ago. I mean, this is serious videogame superhero shit right here and it really happened right in front of my eyes.
Paul: Two days ago...
Firebird: (suddenly serious) Joey Nash.
Paul: Fuck. How did this dumbass get that on tape?
Nicky: Just watch.
Kid: Okay, so enough fanboy-ing, though honest to god this guy deserves it. Once you guys see it, you’ll be as crazy about this as I am. Let’s just get to it.
The screen cuts to a shot from a handheld camera. The kid is filming himself while he walks down an empty sidewalk at dusk.
Kid: ...so that’s why me and my friends are never going to go back to that restaurant. Crazy ass slugs are friggin...
There’s an indistinct shout. The kid stops talking and looks to his left. There’s another shout and the kid’s eyes widen.
Kid: (whispers excitedly) Internet, that sounds like the cries of a helpless victim to a zombie attack! Let’s go!
Firebird: This kid is serious about the zombies, isn’t he?
Paul: Let’s hope not. He’s not gonna last long if he thinks running towards the zombies is a good idea.
The camera shakes as the kid runs into a narrow opening between two buildings. He runs out the other side of the passage into a back alley, then jumps back as a man sprints past him. The camera doesn’t catch details but Paul recognizes the scene and the man.
Paul: Joey.
Joey Nash stops at the first of two chain-link fences in front of a worn down pawn shop at the end of the alley, fumbling in his pocket and looking back wildly.
Kid: Holy shit! What the-”
The camera angle jerks back the left and another man turns into the alley and runs towards the fence. Joey pulled a pair of keys out of his pocket and is trying to open up the locked gate in the fence. Again, it’s too dark to make out the man’s features but the Blazes recognize the familiar shape.
Firebird: (grins as she recognizes the second man) That’s you, Paul.
Paul: Christ.
The first man jerks open the gate then lunges inside and shuts and locks the gate behind him. There’s a german shepherd chained to a pole, snarling and barking at Joey. The man goes through the second gate, slams it shut, and then fumbles with a chain that is connected through the fence to the dog’s collar. Joey lets the dog free and the german shepherd lunges at the front gate just as Paul slows to a stop in front of it.
Kid: (whispers, out of breath) Oh man. Oh man. This is crazy!
Joey Nash: Fuck you, man!
Joey flicks Paul off and laughs. Paul steps backward, moving away from the fence while looking around the alley.
Paul: No. Fuck you.
Paul runs straight at a pile of crates on the right side of the alley. He jumps up on them and leaps onto a wrought iron balcony attached to the wall. He pulls himself up and runs on top of the railing that goes past the first fence, then jumps at the second fence. One foot lands on the top of the fence and Paul uses that moment to leap straight at Joey, who was running towards the shop. Paul lands with his knees in Joey’s back, sending them both crashing to the ground.
Kid: Holy crap! No way!
Paul drags an obviously dazed Joey off the ground and shoves him up against the wall. He grabs the keys off the ground and opens the door, keeping Joey propped up against the wall. The camera just barely picks up Paul grumbling to himself.
Paul: (obviously pissed) Fucker had to make it difficult. Teach you to run from me.
The real life Paul shrugs when Firebird looks over at him with a smirk.
Paul: It did.
Paul gets the door open then grabs Joey by the shirt collar and shoves him inside, shutting the door behind him. The camera shakes as the kid turns the camera back to his excited face.
Kid: Did you friggin’ see that!! That’s craziest thing I’ve ever seen. That guy’s a flipping superhero!
Firebird: (rolls her eyes) That’s pushing it.
Paul: (pleased) No, he’s not.
The video cuts back to the kid at his computer, an overly excited expression on his face.
Kid: Dude! Did you see that? Were you not friggin’ amazed at the level of epicness that happened right there! He just friggin’ flew across those two fences! It’s crazy videogame shit! That guy could be in any of the MMORPGs that we all love so much. He should be a friggin’ X-Box game!”
The kid shakes his head in amazement.
Kid: Alright. We gotta watch this again.
The video cuts back to the alley and shows Paul doing his acrobatics again. When Paul tackles Joey, the video rewinds to him jumping off the balcony then goes forward again, this time in slow motion and with a loud crashing sound effect added. The slow-mo effect is repeated two more times, each with more dramatic sound effects.
Nicky and Firebird are laughing crazily while Paul looks a little aghast.
Paul: Now this is just getting stupid.
Firebird: (giggles) Nonsense. He’s just reacting to your dramatic display.
Paul: (glares) Dramatic! If I hadn’t chased after him, Joey would have disappeared off the grid and we never would have found our money!
Nicky: No one says differently. This kid’s just given you a little...flair.
The video cuts back to the kid who’s practically peeing himself, he’s so excited.
Kid: I don’t know who the hell he is but he is the most epic human being alive. Internet, you know that the most important decisions I make are about who I will and will not have fighting by my side when the zombies rise up to take over the world-
Paul: I bet it is.
Kid: But, guys, I have officially found the fifth and final member of my core team. For pure epic beastness, this guy obviously cannot be beat. I’m going to make it my mission to find this guy out so I can shake his hand and formally invite him to the Double-O Awesome Zombie Survival Squad.
Nicky: (overly dramatic) What an honor, Pauly!
Firebird sticks out her lip in a dramatic pout.
Firebird: But Paul, I wanted you to be on my zombie survival squad.
Paul: (pointedly ignoring their teasing) Is anyone actually going to see this video?
Nicky points at the total view stats below the video.
Nicky: Well, he posted this yesterday afternoon and it’s already got 20,000 hits, so I’d say yes. This geek has got some sort of geek cult obsessed with zombies.
Paul: Christ.
Firebird: Oh that’s wonderful, for you Paul. A cult of geeks all in awe of your...what did he call it? Pure epic beastness.
Paul: Laugh it up. At least I have options for when the world ends.
Title: EPIC BEAST PWNAGE!!!11!1!
Prompts: Carob #2: humiliation, FotD: bumptious (crudely, presumptuously, or loudly self-assertive) + malt (spaceangelacid ’s Dare: Someone wants to film a viral video and become the next SUPER INTERNET ACTION STAR. XD) + chopped nuts + cherry (script format) + root beer float
Rating: PG13
Characters: Paul Robinson, Firebird Blaze, Nicky Nails Blaze, Internet child
Summary: Woo! There are only five more days until ScriptFrenzy! Time to warm up my nonexistent script writing skills in preparation. XD This is chopped nuts because the canon timeline takes place before the invention of computers. However, if the Blazes did live in the age of technology, I’m sure YouTube would be a rather amusing nuisance. XD
Middle of the day at the Blaze Office. Firebird is working on her computer, Nicky Nails is surfing the internet on his laptop, and Paul is falling asleep in the corner.
All of a sudden, Nicky Nails laughs loudly.
Nicky: Oh, Pauly-boy, you’re in the shithouse now.
Firebird and Paul both look over at Nicky. He stands up and brings his laptop to Firebird’s desk.
Firebird: (raises an eyebrow) This is what you do all day? Waste your time on YouTube?
Nicky: Watch this first then you can tell me if I’m wasting my time.
Nicky points at the screen. Above the video is the title: EPIC BEAST PWNAGE!!!11!1!
Paul: (grumbles) Oh god.
Nicky: (grins) Hold that thought, son.
Nicky starts the video. It shows a webcam shot of a lanky boy in his late teens with dyed black hair and some acne sitting too close to his computer.
Kid: Hey guys. It’s Double-O Awesome here.
Firebird: (snorts) What the hell are we watching?
Nicky: Hush.
Kid: ...all my loyal fans know that it is my ultimate mission to find the first solid evidence of the imminent zombie apocalypse, but today I have to show you guys the most...
The boy sits back in his chair and puts his hands up, obviously at a loss for words.
Kid: EPIC...badassery that has ever graced the streets of New Palermo. I’m serious. Epic is epic and there is nothing more epic than what I caught on tape two days ago. I mean, this is serious videogame superhero shit right here and it really happened right in front of my eyes.
Paul: Two days ago...
Firebird: (suddenly serious) Joey Nash.
Paul: Fuck. How did this dumbass get that on tape?
Nicky: Just watch.
Kid: Okay, so enough fanboy-ing, though honest to god this guy deserves it. Once you guys see it, you’ll be as crazy about this as I am. Let’s just get to it.
The screen cuts to a shot from a handheld camera. The kid is filming himself while he walks down an empty sidewalk at dusk.
Kid: ...so that’s why me and my friends are never going to go back to that restaurant. Crazy ass slugs are friggin...
There’s an indistinct shout. The kid stops talking and looks to his left. There’s another shout and the kid’s eyes widen.
Kid: (whispers excitedly) Internet, that sounds like the cries of a helpless victim to a zombie attack! Let’s go!
Firebird: This kid is serious about the zombies, isn’t he?
Paul: Let’s hope not. He’s not gonna last long if he thinks running towards the zombies is a good idea.
The camera shakes as the kid runs into a narrow opening between two buildings. He runs out the other side of the passage into a back alley, then jumps back as a man sprints past him. The camera doesn’t catch details but Paul recognizes the scene and the man.
Paul: Joey.
Joey Nash stops at the first of two chain-link fences in front of a worn down pawn shop at the end of the alley, fumbling in his pocket and looking back wildly.
Kid: Holy shit! What the-”
The camera angle jerks back the left and another man turns into the alley and runs towards the fence. Joey pulled a pair of keys out of his pocket and is trying to open up the locked gate in the fence. Again, it’s too dark to make out the man’s features but the Blazes recognize the familiar shape.
Firebird: (grins as she recognizes the second man) That’s you, Paul.
Paul: Christ.
The first man jerks open the gate then lunges inside and shuts and locks the gate behind him. There’s a german shepherd chained to a pole, snarling and barking at Joey. The man goes through the second gate, slams it shut, and then fumbles with a chain that is connected through the fence to the dog’s collar. Joey lets the dog free and the german shepherd lunges at the front gate just as Paul slows to a stop in front of it.
Kid: (whispers, out of breath) Oh man. Oh man. This is crazy!
Joey Nash: Fuck you, man!
Joey flicks Paul off and laughs. Paul steps backward, moving away from the fence while looking around the alley.
Paul: No. Fuck you.
Paul runs straight at a pile of crates on the right side of the alley. He jumps up on them and leaps onto a wrought iron balcony attached to the wall. He pulls himself up and runs on top of the railing that goes past the first fence, then jumps at the second fence. One foot lands on the top of the fence and Paul uses that moment to leap straight at Joey, who was running towards the shop. Paul lands with his knees in Joey’s back, sending them both crashing to the ground.
Kid: Holy crap! No way!
Paul drags an obviously dazed Joey off the ground and shoves him up against the wall. He grabs the keys off the ground and opens the door, keeping Joey propped up against the wall. The camera just barely picks up Paul grumbling to himself.
Paul: (obviously pissed) Fucker had to make it difficult. Teach you to run from me.
The real life Paul shrugs when Firebird looks over at him with a smirk.
Paul: It did.
Paul gets the door open then grabs Joey by the shirt collar and shoves him inside, shutting the door behind him. The camera shakes as the kid turns the camera back to his excited face.
Kid: Did you friggin’ see that!! That’s craziest thing I’ve ever seen. That guy’s a flipping superhero!
Firebird: (rolls her eyes) That’s pushing it.
Paul: (pleased) No, he’s not.
The video cuts back to the kid at his computer, an overly excited expression on his face.
Kid: Dude! Did you see that? Were you not friggin’ amazed at the level of epicness that happened right there! He just friggin’ flew across those two fences! It’s crazy videogame shit! That guy could be in any of the MMORPGs that we all love so much. He should be a friggin’ X-Box game!”
The kid shakes his head in amazement.
Kid: Alright. We gotta watch this again.
The video cuts back to the alley and shows Paul doing his acrobatics again. When Paul tackles Joey, the video rewinds to him jumping off the balcony then goes forward again, this time in slow motion and with a loud crashing sound effect added. The slow-mo effect is repeated two more times, each with more dramatic sound effects.
Nicky and Firebird are laughing crazily while Paul looks a little aghast.
Paul: Now this is just getting stupid.
Firebird: (giggles) Nonsense. He’s just reacting to your dramatic display.
Paul: (glares) Dramatic! If I hadn’t chased after him, Joey would have disappeared off the grid and we never would have found our money!
Nicky: No one says differently. This kid’s just given you a little...flair.
The video cuts back to the kid who’s practically peeing himself, he’s so excited.
Kid: I don’t know who the hell he is but he is the most epic human being alive. Internet, you know that the most important decisions I make are about who I will and will not have fighting by my side when the zombies rise up to take over the world-
Paul: I bet it is.
Kid: But, guys, I have officially found the fifth and final member of my core team. For pure epic beastness, this guy obviously cannot be beat. I’m going to make it my mission to find this guy out so I can shake his hand and formally invite him to the Double-O Awesome Zombie Survival Squad.
Nicky: (overly dramatic) What an honor, Pauly!
Firebird sticks out her lip in a dramatic pout.
Firebird: But Paul, I wanted you to be on my zombie survival squad.
Paul: (pointedly ignoring their teasing) Is anyone actually going to see this video?
Nicky points at the total view stats below the video.
Nicky: Well, he posted this yesterday afternoon and it’s already got 20,000 hits, so I’d say yes. This geek has got some sort of geek cult obsessed with zombies.
Paul: Christ.
Firebird: Oh that’s wonderful, for you Paul. A cult of geeks all in awe of your...what did he call it? Pure epic beastness.
Paul: Laugh it up. At least I have options for when the world ends.