chocolate malt...with chopped-nuts zombies!
Author:
hi_falootin
Story: Second Chances
Prompt: Chocolate 14. vengeance
+ Malt : Truth/Dare + Chopped Nuts
Rating: R for goofy violence/language
Word count: 2162
Notes: Kuu's dare was "Angry Lonnie wielding a pipe." So here he is. Along with more zombies than you could uh...shake a pipe at! Takes place in the same universe as "Zombie Valentine."
Oh no, zombies have taken over the diner! Will Mike and Kathy become Zombie Lunch?? Not if Darcy has anything to do with it! ...And what is this about a Taco Cart?
"Darcy!" Lonnie hisses, trying to flatten himself against the alley wall. He's afraid to raise his voice above a whisper, unsure whether what he's hearing is the pounding of approaching footsteps or the pounding of his own heart. "Darcy!"
"Hold your horses!" she shoots back. He can only see the top of her head, peeking out from the Dumpster.
"But-"
"I'm looking for something you can use as a weapon!" There's a ripping noise and a torn cardboard box comes flying out of the dumpster, nearly hitting Lonnie in the shoulder. Next comes a mannequin arm with some broken fingers and he ducks. It clatters to the blacktop at his feet.
"How about we just get out of here?"
"Well"-Darcy's voice is strained, like she's lifting something heavy-"If you want to run like a little baby, fine. But good luck getting anywhere. They'll be waiting for us when we come out."
Lonnie tugs at his hat in frustration. She's probably right. "Can you at least hurry up?"
"Look, do you want to climb in here and look yourself? Dumpster diving takes time, okay?" Her voice is drifting in and out. "You can't just grab the first blunt object you see..."
Lonnie's tempted to climb in after her, just because it seems safer in there, but he is not about to say that outloud. Plus, the smell emanating from that Dumpster is not too pleasant, despite Darcy's insistence that the grossest thing in there was day-old bear-claws.
"Ah-ha!" A hand appears at the rim of the Dumpster and Darcy pulls herself up. Looking rather pleased with herself, Darcy holds out a piece of metal pipe for him. A piece of metal pipe...covered in something sticky. He wraps his jacket sleeve over his hand and tries desperately to wipe it off. This better be worth it.
Darcy hoists herself out of the Dumpster and hits the pavement with the quiet thump of really good sneakers. Grabbing her backpack and sword from where she'd abandoned them, she pushes past Lonnie to peer out of the alley. The coast must be clear, because she motions him forward.
He hesitates.
"Come on," she says. "We've got work to do."
"What are we doing again?" He stumbles over the mannequin arm, trying to follow her. The closer they got to the street, the tighter he found himself gripping the piece of pipe. "I thought we were just going to find somewhere to hide and wait this one out."
"Not yet," Darcy says, holding the sword out in front of her like a divining rod, pointing the way. "There's something we've gotta do first."
Lonnie scans the streets; they're eerily deserted for 4:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. Darcy's moving forward without him again and he has to jog to catch up. "Is it important?" he asks, falling into step behind her. "Like, more important than NOT getting eaten by zombies right now?"
Darcy stops walking and gives him a withering look. "Look, if you're not down for a rescue mission, feel free to wuss out and go home."
"Rescue mission?"
"Yeah..." She digs into her pocket suddenly, producing her cellphone which she proceeds to thrust in his face. "Didn't I mention that zombies have taken over the diner?"
The phone's display comes into focus inches from his nose. Mike's name and number. Lonnie's jaw drops as he reads the text.
HI DARCY
DINER TAKEN OVER
BY ZOMBIES
HELP?
Lonnie shakes his head, reads the message again. "Why did he text you and not me?"
Sliding the phone back into her pocket, Darcy rolls her eyes. "Are you coming or what?"
"Of course I'm coming!" He's offended she even asked now. Slapping on his most battle-ready expression, he holds the pipe above his head, swings it through the air a couple of times. "Let's go kick some zombie ass!"
"Hell yes," Darcy says, righting her grip on her sword. "Let's go!"
* * *
They might have to change their strategy to hiding behind the counter, Mike realizes, when the kitchen runs out of hamburgers.
"What am I supposed to do?" Kathy hisses, hands shaking as she pins up the last of the orders. "Appease them with veggie burgers? I'm pretty sure they'll know the difference!"
"We still have some bacon, right?" Mike asks. He turns to yell at Alejandro, who's furiously frying the last of the burgers in the kitchen. "We still have bacon?"
"We're running out!" The cook calls back, panic edging into his voice. "We're almost out of saugage and chicken strips too!"
"Oh no, not the chicken strips!" Kathy gasps. "I just got two more orders for those."
Cringing, Mike looks out at the chaos that's overtaken the diner. Every table is filled with hungry zombies, chomping down on their quickly diminishing food supply. Disgusting things up close, flesh rotting from their faces and and bits a bones sticking out at their joints. Blood-shot eyes that skip over the menu's vegetarian options and go straight for the really expensive stuff.
One of the zombies begins to make a horrible noise, waving a three-fingered hand in the air while beating the table with its other fist. Mike was wondering about the missing fingers until he notices what the zombie's dining companion is dipping in ketchup.
If they were starting to eat each other, it's only a matter of time before...
"You take that one's order," Kathy tells him, collapsing against the counter. "I can't go back out there!"
"Okay" Mike says, swallowing hard. "You go to the freezer and see if there's anything left."
Kathy nods. "I thought you called for reinforcements. What the hell is taking them so long?"
"I did..." He's a little worried too at this point, but he isn't ready to let that show. He tries to smile. "We have to hold out a little longer."
"Wait, Mike!" She catches his sleeve as he's turning to leave, her normal look of jaded apathy bordering on something like...concern.
It's unnervving.
"Be careful out there," she says.
"I will," Mike promises. He tucks a pencil fiercely behind his ear and steps out into the fray.
* * *
"All right," Darcy says, "We're going to burst in the door and-Lonnie? Lonnie, are you even listening?"
Lonnie wasn't listening. Not anymore. Not since they rounded the corner and the true horror of the zombie infestation came into view:
The Original Taco Cart, lying on it's side like a dead animal. Surrounded by zombies trying to gnaw their way through the cart's metal siding, sticking their grubby, rotting hands through the window.
Lonnie's jaw drops.
"Not the Taco Cart!" he gasps. It's loud enough for the zombies to hear, and one looks up briefly before deciding Lonnie and Darcy are less interesting than his current occupation.
"Forget the Taco Cart! We're almost to the diner." Darcy grabs his shirt and pulls him back against the nearest storefront. She points up the street. "We just need to sneak past those zombies and-"
"Sneak past them?" Lonnie flails his arms. "But they've taken the Taco Cart!
"Look at it, Lonnie. The Taco Cart is beyond saving now. We've got to focus on the diner!"
"But it's the Taco Cart, Darcy! We can't let them get away with this!" He raises the pipe above his head.
"Give it up!" She grabs for his sleeve and misses. "Look, I love tacos as much as you do, but the Taco Cart is a casualty of war now! We have to move on!"
Taking a deep breath, Lonnie lifts his chin to face the hoard of taco-crazed zombies. "You go on without me," he says, "I will avenge the Taco Cart."
Taking one last look back at Darcy's stunned face, he raises the pipe above his head and letting out an ear-piercing battle cry, begins to sprint towards the fallen Taco Cart.
"Fucking great!" Darcy screams after him. "Do I have to do everything myself??"
* * *
When Alejandro bolts and they find themselves without a cook, things get a lot more dire. With the kitchen overran by zombies looking to lap up the remaining bacon grease, there's nowhere to hide, and Mike and Kathy find themselves standing on the counter, trying desperately to push back the hoards of unsatisfied customers.
"I can't believe that little shit ran out the back door!" Kathy rages. "Bastard can forget about using me as a reference!"
Mike jabs a few grabby zombies with the business end of a push-broom. One makes a grab for it and he has to kick it in it's soft, rotting face to make it let go. "This is going to be a huge mess to clean up," he mutters, impaling one of the zombies through it's eye socket. "Seriously, this is disgusting!"
Kathy shrieks as one grabs the bottom of her skirt. She whacks it in the head with a serving tray. "Mike...If we're going to die, there's something I should tell you-"
"Kathy-"
"No, I want you to know-I want you to know that I never did hate you! And I'm sorry for all the terrible things I've said about you!" She swings the tray at a zombie who's trying to grab her ankle. "Even the ones I said behind your back!"
"Don't say that, Kathy! We're going to get out of this alive! We're-"
The door chimes sound and the zombie hoards freeze, rolling their red swollen eyes back towards the sound.
Mike's mouth drops open, then he breaks out in a relieved grin as Darcy staggers through the glass doors
"Wait..." Kathy lowers the tray. "She's who you called? I thought you called the cops of something! What the fuck?"
"Give it a second," Mike says, as the zombies start lumbering towards Darcy.
There's a flash as metal as Darcy pulls out her sword, raises it high above her head.
"ANY ZOMBIE-MOTHERFUCKERS WANT TO TASTE MY METAL??"
* * *
Sword gripped in both hands, Darcy takes a swing at the last zombie, cleanly severing its head from its body. The head, wearing a Giants cap, hits the floor with a splat and rolls under a table. There are corpses strewn across the tables and floor, and just thinking about how long this'll take to clean up is making her exhausted.
Business finished, she falls to her knees, sword clattering to the floor. She wants to go home. And take a shower. Then maybe watch some bad TV. And then sleep. For like, a thousand years. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
"Darcy!" Mike calls, running out from the chair-fort he'd been crouching behind with Kathy. "Are you all right?"
"Dandy." Darcy tries to catch her breath. "Swell. Peachy. Never been better."
He laughs, looping her arm over his shoulder and dragging her up to her feet. She grabs the sword on the way up, letting it hangs limply at her side, dripping zombie goo onto the linoleum floor. Yeah, that was going to stain.
Kathy runs up to them, almost tripping over a severed leg.
"Look, just a shot in the dark here," Kathy says, "but why don't we get the fuck out of here while we have the chance?"
"My car's right out front," Mike says. He adjusts his grip on Darcy and nods towards the front door. "Come on."
Darcy lets him pull her along, looking down at the bloodstains on her shoes. Those will be a bitch to get out. Maybe she could pass it off as a fashion statement...
Her head snaps up suddenly. "Wait, hang on!"
"What?" Kathy asks, irritated. "We're burning daylight!"
"I forgot about Lonnie!"
"What?" Mike asks. "What about Lonnie?"
"I left him fighting zombies at the Taco Cart." She points weakly down the street. "He was going to come help save you guys, but he got distracted."
Mike shades his eyes with his free hand, squinting off into the setting sun. "Oh yeah, I think I see his hat."
"Does it look like he's winning?" Darcy asks.
"I can't tell. Do you think we should go get him?"
Darcy shrugs. "It's your call."
Kathy makes a sound of exasperation.
"Can we get in the fucking car now?" She demands, yanking on the handle. "Fuck Lonnie! He ditched you! Let him get eaten!"
Darcy looks at Mike.
"I think..." He pauses. "I think he can probably take care of himself. Don't you?"
"Sweet Jesus, YES!" Kathy rattles the door handle again. "Let's go, go, go!"
When Mike finally pulls out his keys and unlocks the doors, Darcy collapses into the front seat. Kathy jumps in the back and immediately locks the doors again. Darcy closes her eyes as Mike starts the car, folding her hands over her stomach.
Suddenly, she feels it grumble and she realizes it's about time for dinner.
"So where to, Darcy?" Mike asks as they're pulling out of the lot.
"Can we stop at Burger King?" she asks.
It's not the Taco Cart, but it'll do in a pinch.
...*collapses*. That was...much longer than I had intended. AND AU LONNIE IS EVEN A BIGGER TOOL THAN CANON LONNIE.
hi_falootin
Story: Second Chances
Prompt: Chocolate 14. vengeance
+ Malt : Truth/Dare + Chopped Nuts
Rating: R for goofy violence/language
Word count: 2162
Notes: Kuu's dare was "Angry Lonnie wielding a pipe." So here he is. Along with more zombies than you could uh...shake a pipe at! Takes place in the same universe as "Zombie Valentine."
Oh no, zombies have taken over the diner! Will Mike and Kathy become Zombie Lunch?? Not if Darcy has anything to do with it! ...And what is this about a Taco Cart?
"Darcy!" Lonnie hisses, trying to flatten himself against the alley wall. He's afraid to raise his voice above a whisper, unsure whether what he's hearing is the pounding of approaching footsteps or the pounding of his own heart. "Darcy!"
"Hold your horses!" she shoots back. He can only see the top of her head, peeking out from the Dumpster.
"But-"
"I'm looking for something you can use as a weapon!" There's a ripping noise and a torn cardboard box comes flying out of the dumpster, nearly hitting Lonnie in the shoulder. Next comes a mannequin arm with some broken fingers and he ducks. It clatters to the blacktop at his feet.
"How about we just get out of here?"
"Well"-Darcy's voice is strained, like she's lifting something heavy-"If you want to run like a little baby, fine. But good luck getting anywhere. They'll be waiting for us when we come out."
Lonnie tugs at his hat in frustration. She's probably right. "Can you at least hurry up?"
"Look, do you want to climb in here and look yourself? Dumpster diving takes time, okay?" Her voice is drifting in and out. "You can't just grab the first blunt object you see..."
Lonnie's tempted to climb in after her, just because it seems safer in there, but he is not about to say that outloud. Plus, the smell emanating from that Dumpster is not too pleasant, despite Darcy's insistence that the grossest thing in there was day-old bear-claws.
"Ah-ha!" A hand appears at the rim of the Dumpster and Darcy pulls herself up. Looking rather pleased with herself, Darcy holds out a piece of metal pipe for him. A piece of metal pipe...covered in something sticky. He wraps his jacket sleeve over his hand and tries desperately to wipe it off. This better be worth it.
Darcy hoists herself out of the Dumpster and hits the pavement with the quiet thump of really good sneakers. Grabbing her backpack and sword from where she'd abandoned them, she pushes past Lonnie to peer out of the alley. The coast must be clear, because she motions him forward.
He hesitates.
"Come on," she says. "We've got work to do."
"What are we doing again?" He stumbles over the mannequin arm, trying to follow her. The closer they got to the street, the tighter he found himself gripping the piece of pipe. "I thought we were just going to find somewhere to hide and wait this one out."
"Not yet," Darcy says, holding the sword out in front of her like a divining rod, pointing the way. "There's something we've gotta do first."
Lonnie scans the streets; they're eerily deserted for 4:30 on a Wednesday afternoon. Darcy's moving forward without him again and he has to jog to catch up. "Is it important?" he asks, falling into step behind her. "Like, more important than NOT getting eaten by zombies right now?"
Darcy stops walking and gives him a withering look. "Look, if you're not down for a rescue mission, feel free to wuss out and go home."
"Rescue mission?"
"Yeah..." She digs into her pocket suddenly, producing her cellphone which she proceeds to thrust in his face. "Didn't I mention that zombies have taken over the diner?"
The phone's display comes into focus inches from his nose. Mike's name and number. Lonnie's jaw drops as he reads the text.
HI DARCY
DINER TAKEN OVER
BY ZOMBIES
HELP?
Lonnie shakes his head, reads the message again. "Why did he text you and not me?"
Sliding the phone back into her pocket, Darcy rolls her eyes. "Are you coming or what?"
"Of course I'm coming!" He's offended she even asked now. Slapping on his most battle-ready expression, he holds the pipe above his head, swings it through the air a couple of times. "Let's go kick some zombie ass!"
"Hell yes," Darcy says, righting her grip on her sword. "Let's go!"
* * *
They might have to change their strategy to hiding behind the counter, Mike realizes, when the kitchen runs out of hamburgers.
"What am I supposed to do?" Kathy hisses, hands shaking as she pins up the last of the orders. "Appease them with veggie burgers? I'm pretty sure they'll know the difference!"
"We still have some bacon, right?" Mike asks. He turns to yell at Alejandro, who's furiously frying the last of the burgers in the kitchen. "We still have bacon?"
"We're running out!" The cook calls back, panic edging into his voice. "We're almost out of saugage and chicken strips too!"
"Oh no, not the chicken strips!" Kathy gasps. "I just got two more orders for those."
Cringing, Mike looks out at the chaos that's overtaken the diner. Every table is filled with hungry zombies, chomping down on their quickly diminishing food supply. Disgusting things up close, flesh rotting from their faces and and bits a bones sticking out at their joints. Blood-shot eyes that skip over the menu's vegetarian options and go straight for the really expensive stuff.
One of the zombies begins to make a horrible noise, waving a three-fingered hand in the air while beating the table with its other fist. Mike was wondering about the missing fingers until he notices what the zombie's dining companion is dipping in ketchup.
If they were starting to eat each other, it's only a matter of time before...
"You take that one's order," Kathy tells him, collapsing against the counter. "I can't go back out there!"
"Okay" Mike says, swallowing hard. "You go to the freezer and see if there's anything left."
Kathy nods. "I thought you called for reinforcements. What the hell is taking them so long?"
"I did..." He's a little worried too at this point, but he isn't ready to let that show. He tries to smile. "We have to hold out a little longer."
"Wait, Mike!" She catches his sleeve as he's turning to leave, her normal look of jaded apathy bordering on something like...concern.
It's unnervving.
"Be careful out there," she says.
"I will," Mike promises. He tucks a pencil fiercely behind his ear and steps out into the fray.
* * *
"All right," Darcy says, "We're going to burst in the door and-Lonnie? Lonnie, are you even listening?"
Lonnie wasn't listening. Not anymore. Not since they rounded the corner and the true horror of the zombie infestation came into view:
The Original Taco Cart, lying on it's side like a dead animal. Surrounded by zombies trying to gnaw their way through the cart's metal siding, sticking their grubby, rotting hands through the window.
Lonnie's jaw drops.
"Not the Taco Cart!" he gasps. It's loud enough for the zombies to hear, and one looks up briefly before deciding Lonnie and Darcy are less interesting than his current occupation.
"Forget the Taco Cart! We're almost to the diner." Darcy grabs his shirt and pulls him back against the nearest storefront. She points up the street. "We just need to sneak past those zombies and-"
"Sneak past them?" Lonnie flails his arms. "But they've taken the Taco Cart!
"Look at it, Lonnie. The Taco Cart is beyond saving now. We've got to focus on the diner!"
"But it's the Taco Cart, Darcy! We can't let them get away with this!" He raises the pipe above his head.
"Give it up!" She grabs for his sleeve and misses. "Look, I love tacos as much as you do, but the Taco Cart is a casualty of war now! We have to move on!"
Taking a deep breath, Lonnie lifts his chin to face the hoard of taco-crazed zombies. "You go on without me," he says, "I will avenge the Taco Cart."
Taking one last look back at Darcy's stunned face, he raises the pipe above his head and letting out an ear-piercing battle cry, begins to sprint towards the fallen Taco Cart.
"Fucking great!" Darcy screams after him. "Do I have to do everything myself??"
* * *
When Alejandro bolts and they find themselves without a cook, things get a lot more dire. With the kitchen overran by zombies looking to lap up the remaining bacon grease, there's nowhere to hide, and Mike and Kathy find themselves standing on the counter, trying desperately to push back the hoards of unsatisfied customers.
"I can't believe that little shit ran out the back door!" Kathy rages. "Bastard can forget about using me as a reference!"
Mike jabs a few grabby zombies with the business end of a push-broom. One makes a grab for it and he has to kick it in it's soft, rotting face to make it let go. "This is going to be a huge mess to clean up," he mutters, impaling one of the zombies through it's eye socket. "Seriously, this is disgusting!"
Kathy shrieks as one grabs the bottom of her skirt. She whacks it in the head with a serving tray. "Mike...If we're going to die, there's something I should tell you-"
"Kathy-"
"No, I want you to know-I want you to know that I never did hate you! And I'm sorry for all the terrible things I've said about you!" She swings the tray at a zombie who's trying to grab her ankle. "Even the ones I said behind your back!"
"Don't say that, Kathy! We're going to get out of this alive! We're-"
The door chimes sound and the zombie hoards freeze, rolling their red swollen eyes back towards the sound.
Mike's mouth drops open, then he breaks out in a relieved grin as Darcy staggers through the glass doors
"Wait..." Kathy lowers the tray. "She's who you called? I thought you called the cops of something! What the fuck?"
"Give it a second," Mike says, as the zombies start lumbering towards Darcy.
There's a flash as metal as Darcy pulls out her sword, raises it high above her head.
"ANY ZOMBIE-MOTHERFUCKERS WANT TO TASTE MY METAL??"
* * *
Sword gripped in both hands, Darcy takes a swing at the last zombie, cleanly severing its head from its body. The head, wearing a Giants cap, hits the floor with a splat and rolls under a table. There are corpses strewn across the tables and floor, and just thinking about how long this'll take to clean up is making her exhausted.
Business finished, she falls to her knees, sword clattering to the floor. She wants to go home. And take a shower. Then maybe watch some bad TV. And then sleep. For like, a thousand years. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.
"Darcy!" Mike calls, running out from the chair-fort he'd been crouching behind with Kathy. "Are you all right?"
"Dandy." Darcy tries to catch her breath. "Swell. Peachy. Never been better."
He laughs, looping her arm over his shoulder and dragging her up to her feet. She grabs the sword on the way up, letting it hangs limply at her side, dripping zombie goo onto the linoleum floor. Yeah, that was going to stain.
Kathy runs up to them, almost tripping over a severed leg.
"Look, just a shot in the dark here," Kathy says, "but why don't we get the fuck out of here while we have the chance?"
"My car's right out front," Mike says. He adjusts his grip on Darcy and nods towards the front door. "Come on."
Darcy lets him pull her along, looking down at the bloodstains on her shoes. Those will be a bitch to get out. Maybe she could pass it off as a fashion statement...
Her head snaps up suddenly. "Wait, hang on!"
"What?" Kathy asks, irritated. "We're burning daylight!"
"I forgot about Lonnie!"
"What?" Mike asks. "What about Lonnie?"
"I left him fighting zombies at the Taco Cart." She points weakly down the street. "He was going to come help save you guys, but he got distracted."
Mike shades his eyes with his free hand, squinting off into the setting sun. "Oh yeah, I think I see his hat."
"Does it look like he's winning?" Darcy asks.
"I can't tell. Do you think we should go get him?"
Darcy shrugs. "It's your call."
Kathy makes a sound of exasperation.
"Can we get in the fucking car now?" She demands, yanking on the handle. "Fuck Lonnie! He ditched you! Let him get eaten!"
Darcy looks at Mike.
"I think..." He pauses. "I think he can probably take care of himself. Don't you?"
"Sweet Jesus, YES!" Kathy rattles the door handle again. "Let's go, go, go!"
When Mike finally pulls out his keys and unlocks the doors, Darcy collapses into the front seat. Kathy jumps in the back and immediately locks the doors again. Darcy closes her eyes as Mike starts the car, folding her hands over her stomach.
Suddenly, she feels it grumble and she realizes it's about time for dinner.
"So where to, Darcy?" Mike asks as they're pulling out of the lot.
"Can we stop at Burger King?" she asks.
It's not the Taco Cart, but it'll do in a pinch.
...*collapses*. That was...much longer than I had intended. AND AU LONNIE IS EVEN A BIGGER TOOL THAN CANON LONNIE.