where the stars shine brightest for fatal_fangirl
Title: where the stars shine brightest
For: fatal_fangirl
Pairing: Jongin/Kyungsoo
Rating: pg-13
Length: 9467 words
Summary: Kyungsoo tries to find Jongin again, amongst the brokens dreams they had once shared.
Jongin's eyes beg him to "leave" whilst in Kyungsoo's head, his half-finished thought ends with “stay”. And so they lost each other, because neither of them is willing to reach out.
Perhaps they were just too wounded for one another, or maybe they weren’t wounded at all. They might just be acting, for the sake of what they had wanted. They slowly become the ghosts they tell themselves they were, and they sublimate from each other’s realities, just like the magic in fairy tales.
As Kyungsoo stares at the unfinished mural on his wall, it hit him all at once how far apart they had become, and how much that distance, amongst all things in the universe, mattered to him. He realises that Jongin might have been only waiting for him to reach out. Meanwhile, he was waiting, desperately, for him to do the same.
And so they are stuck, far apart from each other, with the past holding them back.
You are a strong flashlight,
still yet your figure forever is left as an afterimage flashback.
Kyungsoo remembers the time when he first saw Jongin. It was years back, when they were kids, struggling to chase dreams that were too big for their little hearts. Kyungsoo was barely 14 and he had difficulty fitting into school. Just because he looked vulnerable and his background was a little different from the rest, he was always targeted by the students. The insults that the other kids hurled at him made it hard for him to believe in himself.
You can't sing.
Give it up.
Maybe the school of arts wasn't his cup of tea.
Kyungsoo wandered around the campus alone, searching for an empty practice room. A soft trail of music stopped him in his tracks. Unknowingly, he followed it and he found himself in front of a dance room. Quietly, he sneaked in as curiosity grew in him.
The bronze-skinned male pranced across the parquet floor, marking the tiles with his graceful shadow. The way his body curves when he spins, it made Kyungsoo's heart stop and he forgot to breathe for a second.
"It's rude to stare." The voice broke Kyungsoo's reverie and he blinked blankly at the male. He chuckled softly as he turned to the stereo, switching the music off. Kyungsoo took note of the perfect curve of his arms and he looked at his, they were nothing like Jongin's. Perhaps he should have taken up ballet.
"You are?"
Kyungsoo cleared his throat nervously, feeling his heart stuck in his mouth.
"Kyu-ungsoo."
"I'm Jongin." He held his hand out, waiting for the latter to shake it. Kyungsoo stared at his hand, confused.
"Step one, shake the hand." With that, Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo's sweaty hand and he held it firmly before he shakes it. Kyungsoo tried to ignore the feeling of Jongin's fingers wrapping around his.
"Step two...Nah. There isn't a fixed guide in making friends. Screw it." Kyungsoo broke into a gentle laughter but he stopped when he realised that Jongin wanted to be friends.
"Fri-iends?"
"Yes, friends!"
Kyungsoo grinned widely. Jongin was the first friend he had made in school.
(And he was the first person he had gave his heart to.)
-
Kyungsoo thinks fate is a sadistic bastard who is addicted to stupid twists. Chanyeol's friend needs a roommate to share the rent and Kyungsoo needs a place to stay. Rooming together would be a perfect solution to their problems.
"Why don't you move in with him? I'll call him now."
"But I--"
"I don't want you to be homeless. Besides, you don't really have a choice, do you?"
Kyungsoo's parents had sold their flat and they were leaving the country to live with a relative. He had assured (lied to) them that he has a place to stay. Kyungsoo sighs in defeat and he slowly nods. Chanyeol smiles widely as he digs out his phone, calling his friend almost immediately.
"Kai, I found someone who is willing to room with you!" Chanyeol stands up from his seat and walks away from the table. His boisterous voice echoes through the cafe but it slowly fades off when he disappears outside.
Kyungsoo stares silently at the steam rising from his coffee. The worries start to bombard his mind as his heartbeats start to synchronize with the sound of the ticking clock. When Chanyeol pushes the door open, Kyungsoo could feel the strong winter breeze from outside and he shudders a little. Chanyeol quickly makes his way back and he slams his hands on the table.
"Guess what? He's coming to meet you."
Kyungsoo hums a soft "um" before he looks at his coffee as he taps his foot to the beat of his heart. It's getting faster,
And faster.
Occupied by his nervousness, he pays no attention to Chanyeol's rambling about his friend but he nods occasionally just to show that he is still here.
"Oh he's here!"
Chanyeol drags his chair, making Kyungsoo cringe at the noise. He looks up to the approaching figure. When the face of the stranger gets clearer, Kyungsoo feels his heart stopping. The bronzed colour skin and plump lips, Kyungsoo recognises him immediately.
"Jongin," he mutters the name softly. It feels foreign and weird when his name rolls off his tongue. The man widens his eyes in shock for a moment, but it quickly changes back to the blank expression he had before.
"It's been a long while, isn't it?"
Chanyeol blinks, as he looks at them, confused.
"You two know each other?"
"We were from the same school." Jongin says nonchalantly. Kyungsoo nods along hesitantly, eyeing Jongin carefully. He tries to read Jongin's eyes but he finds nothing. It was empty and bottomless. The Jongin he sees now is completely different from the Jongin in his memories. Chanyeol, feeling the weird tension, clears his throat to break the awkward silence.
"Kai, Kyungsoo needs a place to stay."
Jongin's eyes come into focus and they immediately fixed onto Kyungsoo's flickering eyes, piercing straight through him, spearing the heart in Kyungsoo's mouth.
"I-- If you don't want me to, I can look for another--"
"It's fine. When will you move in?" his voice remains cold. Kyungsoo swallows hard before he chokes out a reply.
"Tomorrow."
(Kyungsoo's unprepared heart collapses after Jongin leaves the cafe with Chanyeol. He continues to stare at the coffee, trying to ignore his jumping heart, but the mist had condensed in the air and the coffee had already turned cold. Kyungsoo curses at fate silently.)
-
Kyungsoo was a small part of Jongin's past, the past that he has hide so deeply inside of him, just like a thick old book at the end of the shelf, collecting dust from time. There are no words that will contain the weight of his past; there is nothing he can do to erase the memories of yesterdays.
His failure had lingered amongst his many regrets, tearing his pained heart every night. He was constantly battling with insomnia, trying to forget the blinding limelight and the loud crack of his bone
.
He hadn't thought that his past will come haunting him again, especially in the form of his first love. He was so busy nursing his wounds; he had unconsciously shut himself away from everyone. Ever since Kyungsoo left, everything was just a passing phase. He seemed to be drowning in things he cannot grasp or understand. There was no certainty as he continues to fumble down a dark tunnel that didn't have an opening at the end. He was stumbling over his emptiness. And so lessons went by like a breeze and he could remember nothing from school. It was a miracle for him to graduate.
After graduation, the school pitied their once star dancer and they had offered him a course on dance choreography. Jongin was grateful for the opportunity to drown himself in the workload, but he was bitter about the sympathy.
Maybe if Kyungsoo hadn't disappear, he could have brushed all of this as a simple nightmare because he knew he would be fine, if Kyungsoo was by his side.
But he wasn't.
The battle with self-pity and despair carried on and he learnt to swallow his feelings and had built a mask for himself, to hide away from everything and to protect himself from breaking any further.
-
Kyungsoo had to give up his dreams. His father had lost his job, so they couldn't afford the school fees. Even the scholarship couldn't save him. He was almost 17 and he was sure that he would be fine if he had tried harder. He should have worked, part-time or full-time on the weekends. He should have argued that he was old enough to fend for himself. There were many possibilities that he should have pursued because he needed his dreams to live.
But he couldn't. He didn't had the heart to abandon his parents.
So he chose his family over his dreams. He had chose responsibility over love.
He remembers the day when he left the school. The load of his bag was exceptionally heavy and his feet were sinking at every step he took, away from the school gates.
"Kyungsoo!" the voice he knew so well tugged at his heart painfully. He turned behind and he saw Jongin, red-eyed and haggard.
"Don't go," he pleaded desperately, "Don't leave me behind."
"I can't Jongin. I would really love to stay and live our dreams together but I can't afford to. My family needs me."
"But I need you too."
"I'm sure you'll do fine without me. You're pretty strong."
"But--"
"No buts. I have to go, or I'll miss the bus. Go back to school, you'll get detention if you stay here."
Kyungsoo stepped away from him and turned his back towards Jongin. He closed his eyes, drowning away Jongin's pleads.
He wanted to drop everything and run back to Jongin. He wanted to leave everything and run away. But he didn't. Kyungsoo knew it was the right thing to do. Jongin was never his to keep and there was nothing between them. They were just friends in the same school, they weren't even classmates. He shouldn't pull him along with his problems. Jongin was just a silly infatuation that will probably fade away as the years go by.
But he was wrong. Kyungsoo realises that on that day, he did not just threw his dreams away, he had also thrown his first love away. With that, he became like a ghost, with no dreams or hope, trapped inside in the walls of skin that were writhing away, threatening to crumple any moment.
He can never love anyone again, he realises, as much as he did with Jongin.
(Because he is still in love with that bronze-skinned dancer.)
-
Jongin feels the anger rising in him when he sees the familiar eyes blinking at him. Memories of Kyungsoo's indifferent words back then starts echoing in his head.
"I'm sure you'll do fine without me. You're pretty strong."
He often laughs at them, finding them ironic. If he's really that strong, why did he break at the aftermath of his fall? He only wanted someone to catch him, but there were none. The only willing person had left him, leaving him all alone as he struggles on, dealing with the cracks of his shattered dream. The impact of his fall was so big, the damage was irreversible. He knew he's beyond repair and nothing could save him. He could only hide in the shadows of his dream.
The doorbell rings and Jongin turns to the door. He stands up from the couch and opens the door. Kyungsoo hugs a box to his chest and he smiles awkwardly at Jongin. Don't smile, it's disgusting. Jongin had an urge to slam the door in his face but something stops him.
"I brought some of my stuff here. The truck will only be here tomorrow in the morning. So I--"
"Whatever. Just don't make a ruckus when your stuff comes. I need my sleep." Jongin moves away from the door, leaving it open for Kyungsoo to come in. "Your room is at the far left. Don't go into my room. I left the keys on the table. The details of the rent are stated on the paper." Kyungsoo tugs on his shirt to stop him.
"Do we have a-- Are we going to share our chores or--"
"Do whatever you want, I don't care. I don't really eat at home so there's food in the cabinets.". With that, Jongin grabs his jacket.
"I have to go out." He lies. He feels suffocated when he sees Kyungsoo's face. It reminds him of the painful past.
He can't stand the sight of him.
-
Kyungsoo grits his teeth hard and he swallows back the burning ache in his chest. The harsh words thrown at his face, Kyungsoo figures he deserves them. He watches silently as Jongin walks out, leaving him alone in the empty apartment. The silence starts engulfing the sounds of his heart beating and he feels a little numb. Kyungsoo lets out a breath but his heart beats faster.
He starts walking to his room with slow and steady steps. The weight of his box feels heavier than before. He pushes the door open with his body and the door swings open. The room is scarcely furnished and the yellow on the walls are fading. He makes a mental note to repaint them. He puts the box down at the corner of the room, before he jumps onto the bed. Feeling the soft sheets around him, he closes his eyes.
He smells the familiar scent of the fabric softener and he smiles to himself. The sheet smells like Jongin. He begins to lose himself in the midst of his memories as the scent spreads into his nose and his heart.
"Will my room be prettier if we put stars on them? They look childish though."
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and laughed. "We'll paste it everywhere and it will be like the stars we see at night. Besides, your room looks boring."
"Can we name the stars?"
"Yeah, we can even make wishes if you want." Kyungsoo said in a mocking tone.
Jongin scoffed loudly before he grabbed the packet from Kyungsoo's hands. He took a sticker out, a blue one , and he closed his eyes. Kyungsoo looked at him, amused.
"I wish hyung will be with me forever!"
Kyungsoo felt a blush creeping onto his face and he looked away. Jongin opened his eyes and he pasted the sticker onto the wall next to him.
"Make a wish too, hyung!" Kyungsoo laughed at Jongin's eagerness and he dug his hand into the bag. He chose the bright orange sticker because it reminded him of Jongin. Jongin and his passion for dance, Jongin and his passion for well, everything. He was bright and exciting, everything Kyungsoo wasn't. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and made his wish silently.
I wish Jongin will always be happy.
And he opened his eyes. Jongin pouted and he shook Kyungsoo's arm. "You didn't say your wish out!"
"It wouldn't come true if I blurted it out."
"But I said it out and--"
"Wow! It looks really pretty!" Kyungsoo changed the subject quickly. Jongin scoffed loudly and he grabbed Kyungsoo by his neck, locking him into a painful headlock. Kyungsoo chuckled heartily as they wrestled with each other. After a long struggle, they landed on the ground with a loud thud. Kyungsoo fell into Jongin's arms and they both stared at each other awkwardly before they burst into laughter.
"That's what you get when you make Jongin mad." Jongin wriggled his brows in a ridiculous manner. Kyungsoo pinched his nose before he fell back onto the floor. Jongin's arms remained around him as they both stared silently at their stars.
Amongst the scent of fabric softener from Jongin's shirt and their tangled limbs, the blue star made a mark in Kyungsoo's heart and Kyungsoo started falling in love.
-
Jongin remembers the looks on the audience's faces when he landed on the stage with a deafening thud. The sound of his bone cracking was loud and it echoed clearly through the hall. His teacher rushed out and the other dancers crowded around him as he groaned painfully, clutching his broken leg. There were many murmurs and gasps spreading around the hall, but none were helping him. But the pain was so excruciating, it drowns out the noises around him. Everything started turning white and he started feeling numb. As he began to lose conscious, he heard Kyungsoo's singing echoing at the back of his head. Strangely, he felt calmer than before as the pain disappeared before he slowly slipped into darkness.
When he woke up, the news of him not being able to dance again was slapped into his face. He struggled to breathe as the pain lingered in his heart.
You can't dance anymore, I'm sorry.
Empty words of sympathy were thrown at him as he choked on the shattered pieces of his broken soul. He had already lost Kyungsoo, now he couldn't dance. He had never felt so lost before. When he recovered, he was thrown into the monotony of the world as he faced the judging stares, drilling holes into his back.
Why is he still here?
I thought he couldn't dance anymore?
Ostracised by the people around him, Jongin had nothing left. What remained were the vague memories of his beloved hyung. He often imagined what it would be like if Kyungsoo was still here. He would probably holler at the gossiping students, or he would squeeze his hand, giving him a small but encouraging smile. But he got none of that. He had learnt to toughen up and he hardened his stare, making sure no one could touch him. With that, Jongin spent the rest of his days in school at the back of the classroom, all alone.
He was all alone, until Chanyeol came into his life.
He was the first, after many years, to smile at him despite his hardened gaze. It was a refreshing change for Jongin, but he was still afraid of removing his mask. He couldn't afford to get use to Chanyeol's kindness because he knew he'll break again if he loses him, just like how he broke when Kyungsoo left him. But nevertheless Chanyeol's smile still managed to creep into his heart. For the first time in a long while, Jongin felt warmth in his heart.
As much as he hates Chanyeol's booming voice, but it was his voice that kept him awake. It was always Chanyeol who would grab him out of a bar if he got too drunk or slap him awake just to remind him that he's being a bastard. Chanyeol probably wouldn't know much about him and he wouldn't be as good as Kyungsoo had been as a friend but his company was more than enough. Besides, Chanyeol is pretty interesting and it doesn't harm to have a little spark in his mundane life.
Jongin feels a pair of arms around his waist. He groans softly as he rubs his eyes. When he opens his eyes, Jongin gets the shock of his life.
"What the fuck? What are you doing here?" he shrieks as he struggles to push Chanyeol away. Chanyeol sniggers and he hugs Jongin tighter.
"Good morning Kai baby"
"Get away from me. Now." Jongin manages to kick Chanyeol off his bed. He sighs deeply before he sinks back into his bed. Chanyeol climbs back onto the bed and he starts jumping around.
"Wake up! Kyungsoo needs help with his boxes."
Kyungsoo.
The name makes Jongin cringe and he proceeds to cover his head with a pillow.
"Hey. Hey. Heeeeeeey," Chanyeol yells at the pillow. Jongin jumps up and presses him down on the bed.
"I need my sleep. So shut up and leave me alone."
"But Kyungsoo--"
"I don't care."
Chanyeol stares at him as his smile fades away. "Did something happen between you two?"
"Nothing happened."
"You seem like you hate him and--"
The door opens but Jongin fails to notice the head peeking in.
"Kyungsoo is just a fucking stranger and I don't give any shits about strangers."
Chanyeol gasps and he gestures to his back. Jongin furrows his brows together in confusion before he turns around. The scowl on Jongin's face immediately softens.
" Am I interrupting something?"
Chanyeol pushes Jongin off and he gets up. "Let's go Kyungsoo, Kai needs his sleep."
Jongin tries to ignore the hurt in Kyungsoo's eyes. When Chanyeol wraps his arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders, Jongin couldn't go back to sleep anymore.
It hurts to see Kyungsoo's back disappearing behind the door.
-
"Kai doesn't mean what he says. He's just grumpy. Everyone's grumpy in the morning."
Kyungsoo laughs uneasily and he shakes his head.
"I'm fine Chanyeol. Besides, I'll probably forget about it." Kyungsoo pushes out a box and he opens it carefully. Chanyeol's eyes brighten when he sees the contents of the box.
"Paints! Are you going to paint on the wall?" Kyungsoo nods and he holds out a brush to Chanyeol.
"Want to help? I need to cover the walls with a base colour before I start painting on it."
"It's an honour!" Chanyeol engulfs Kyungsoo in a bone-crushing hug.
"We better get started if we want to finish it quickly." Chanyeol lets go of him promptly and he salutes with the brush.
"Yes sir!"
-
Kyungsoo couldn't sing like how he used to, there weren't any scores for him to read or demos for him to listen. After losing a huge part of his heart, he didn't know what to do to fill it up again. The void in his heart grew and he starts to feel sorry for himself, sorry for the futility and the emptiness, but there was nothing he could do. He wished he had an alternative, something to push him, but he had nothing left. He walked around with an anchor around his feet and a bloody vessel that felt more dead than alive.
I'm sorry, son. Please forgive me.
The apologies from his parents were much more painful to hear, as compared to the rest. It was so suffocating to bear the pity from everyone. Breathing had never felt so burdened.
"I wished hyung will be with me forever!"
The wish lingered in his heart, igniting a little glimmer of hope. Kyungsoo had to straighten out his life if he wants to make it up to Jongin. He gritted his teeth and he buckled up, finally waking up from his daze. With the scarce remnants from his past, Kyungsoo started to build up his life again-- with colours.
He had stumbled upon a box of paint before. Seeing the orange and blue reminded him of the naive wishes that they had plastered on the wall. With that, he held the brush and painted against the wall in his room. For the first time, Kyungsoo felt alive. He lets the strokes travel; the colours burst out, speaking for him in loud tones of orange. His heart chanted Jongin's name as his hand pranced across the wall, just like how Jongin did when he first saw him.
He fell in love again, just like how he did with singing and with Jongin.
-
When Jongin leaves the house, he hears the soft humming echoing from Kyungsoo's room. His chest tightens a little and he stops for a while, listening to it for a moment. He realises how much he had missed Kyungsoo. He feels a pang of guilt creeping into him and he hates it. It wasn't his fault, no one asked Kyungsoo to appear in front of him again, after when he had lost everything. He wasn't the almighty Jongin that could protect his hyung, or the well-loved dancer that Kyungsoo had admired. He was just a mere dance choreographer that took shit from conceited dancers. He wonders if he'll be like the dancers, had he not lose the ability to dance. Or maybe not.
"A break heals faster than a sprain.” Kyungsoo patted his head. Jongin rolled his eyes and flicked Kyungsoo's forehead.
"What a thing to say when your arm is bandaged. How did you even break your arm?"
"Someone pushed me down the stairs."
"What? Who? How? This is too far!" Jongin stood up from his seat. Kyungsoo pulled him down with his free hand. "But I'm fine. It's alright. If they pick on me again, you'll protect me, right?"
"Yeah. Of course! I'm almost 15!"
"Psh and I'm already 16. How embarrassing."
"Nah. It's alright, since I look older and stronger than you."
"But I'm wiser."
"Yeah yeah. Wise old man." Jongin pinched Kyungsoo's cheeks before he cracked up
"Hey!" Kyungsoo lifted his bandaged arm by accident and he winced in pain. Jongin stopped laughing immediately and he grabbed his arm, causing Kyungsoo to let out a yelp.
"I'm so sorry! I was worried I-- You'll get well right?" Kyungsoo bit on his lips as he put his arm down gently.
"As I said earlier, a break heals faster than a sprain.”
“That sounds so… clinical,” Jongin frowned.
“Hmm. You're too dumb for my wisdom." Jongin frowned even more.
"When your heart breaks, you can glue it back together and move on. There might be a scar or some cracks but it'll still work and the pain won't last forever. But when your heart is twisted, like a tear in a tendon, every beat will start to hurt and you won't be able to recognise your emotions because they're reacting to the sprain." Kyungsoo explained calmly, his gaze remained on Jongin as he listened intently.
Jongin wonders if the ache is part of the sprain. He shrugs the thought away as he steps out of the apartment, with Kyungsoo's soft lullaby lingering in his heart.
-
After seeing Chanyeol off, Kyungsoo returns to the apartment with a heavy feeling hanging in his heart.
Kyungsoo is just a fucking stranger and I don't give any shits about strangers.
The bitterness of the words strikes him hard and Kyungsoo is lost again. He didn't expect Jongin's hostility and it strains his heart whenever he takes the blow from Jongin's harsh words. What happened to Jongin? Why did he change?
Kyungsoo walked into the practice room and he spotted Jongin at the corner with his eyes closed. Quietly, he tiptoed towards him and he stopped at his side. He kneeled down and stared at him silently, tracing the features of his face with his eyes. Kyungsoo thought Jongin was beautiful, the way his eyelashes fluttered and the way his lips curved up whenever he smiled. Everything about him was perfect. He knew it was dangerous, for him to be so close to him. His heart pounded loudly against his chest and it felt like it could jump out of his ribs any moment.
But he couldn't resist.
Kyungsoo moved closer and he pressed his lips against Jongin's.
It was his first kiss, a kiss that Jongin would never know.
Kyungsoo smiles at the memory as he clears the cans of paint. As he wipes off his sweat, he smudges some at the corner of his lips. When he walks out of his room, he finds Jongin at the couch, fast asleep. Jongin still has his jacket on him and his bag hangs loosely from his shoulder. Is he that tired? Kyungsoo walks to his side and bends down, silently observing how his chest moves as he breathes. His face is still the same, maybe with a hint of wrinkles and scars but nevertheless, he is still perfect in Kyungsoo's eyes. The bitterness lingering in him had disappeared and his heart starts beating rapidly. He laughs softly at the situation, it reminds him of his first kiss.
Holding his breath, Kyungsoo moves closer and he kisses Jongin. Jongin starts to stir in his sleep and Kyungsoo steps back. He quickly disappears into his room, hoping that Jongin won't notice anything.
Kyungsoo doesn't see the orange paint that he had left at the corner of Jongin's lips.
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Kyungsoo wants blue to be the last colour he ever saw, just like the starry sky that fell on his head and left him concussed for days. The way it echoes symphonies and make shapes with the stars, calling them everything he could ever wished for and reaching up, up, up as far as his arms could go to touch them with the tips of his fingers, blue is his favourite, and it will always be. He imagines Jongin’s arms around him as they lie under the vast sky, counting the stars together with their hearts beating as one. But it's impossible.
Kyungsoo sets the table with anticipation. He places the bowls with care and wipes the utensils extra hard. The hot air rises from the dish when he opens the lid and the aroma from the soup spreads around the living room. Kyungsoo sits at his seat as he stares at his creations. He counts the seconds patiently as he starts to wait for Jongin.
(But he is always waiting for him.)
The door clicks open.
Kyungsoo jumps up from his seat and he rushes to the door. Jongin stumbles in with tired eyes and he dumps his bag on the floor.
"Jongin, I cooked--"
"I'm busy." Jongin brushes him aside and disappears into his room. Kyungsoo stares at the table and his heart starts to sink, along with the basil in the soup. But it's alright. Kyungsoo will try, again and again, even if it takes forever, just to fill the void between them.
-
Jongin sighs to himself when he walks into his apartment. Seeing Kyungsoo sleeping at the table, it burdens his heart and the guilt starts eating him. Jongin knows Kyungsoo is waiting for him, to grab the hand that he's holding out. He wants Jongin to reach out for him.
But he can't.
"You're really stubborn." He mumbles to the sleeping Kyungsoo.
Jongin leaves him there and he doesn't do anything. The food remains on the table, untouched. It was Kyungsoo's fifth attempt in cooking and he finds it unnecessary. Everything that Kyungsoo does is redundant and annoying because it reminds him how big of a jerk he was and how he doesn't deserve all of that. So he remains stagnant, he stays stuck in the same spot and Kyungsoo will start to slip away. He will disappear once again and Jongin will be left alone.
Don't waste your time on me.
Jongin gives Kyungsoo a final glance before he closes the door.
(He closes the door to his heart too.)
-
Kyungsoo knows that Jongin is never attainable. He is like the wind, always slipping through his hands. He is reckless and fast, Kyungsoo can't catch up with him. He doesn't dare to hope for anything in fear of a broken heart. Nevertheless, he still gets it broken whenever he sees Jongin comes back home with obnoxious marks on his neck and collarbones or when a stranger brings a drunk Jongin home. They are more than enough to tell him, Jongin will never be yours.
Everything is hurting and Kyungsoo is starting to believe that maybe they are better off as strangers. Strangers wouldn't have to be so concerned over each other, no hard feelings and no special yearnings. The line drawn between strangers is pretty clear but it's hard for Kyungsoo not to cross it.
-
Kyungsoo's head plays a thousand voices, taunting him to wait for what seem like an eternity and it strains a mere three minutes into a stretch of uncertainty. It is almost midnight and Jongin isn't home yet. Kyungsoo looks to the food and the disappointment weighs heavily on his heart.
The long awaited click echoes through the suffocating silence, Kyungsoo jerks his head towards the door. Jongin staggers into the living room, drenched and dazed.
"Are you drunk again?"
Jongin stared at him for a long while before he giggled. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and he grabs Jongin's arm wearily. So much for cooking. He wonders about the many leftovers he had stored in the fridge.
"I'll bring you to your room."
Jongin shrugs Kyungsoo's hand away and he leans forward instead, resting his head onto Kyungsoo's shoulder.
"This shoulder belongs to me. No one can touch it, not even Chanyeol." He mutters softly. Kyungsoo can feel Jongin's warm breath against his neck. He swallows hard before he pushes Jongin away.
"You're drunk. Go wash up and--" Jongin silences him with a kiss. Kyungsoo gasps loudly against his lips. This is wrong, this isn't right. He struggles against Jongin's arms for a while before he melts into the kiss. The alcohol lingers on his tongue and he feels a little light-headed. His heart is thumping loudly and he knows Jongin can hear it clearly. Jongin isn't sober, his heart screams, you can't do this. But the lust starts engulfing his conscience, Kyungsoo soon loses himself in his own worthless delusions.
Before he knew it, they are both in Jongin's room and clothes are strewn everywhere.
Kyungsoo starts painting an idealistic facade in and he starts lying to his conscious. Jongin loves you, he does. Each time their lips meet, a lie slips into his heart.
"Hyung..." Jongin breathes out, staring at Kyungsoo with eyes that are clouded with lust. Kyungsoo deceives himself and he confuses the lust with love. Kyungsoo's heart becomes drenched in his false hopes.
Sometimes, searching for the right is the last thing we do. The white lies are fabricated to cover the truth and it sweetens the bleak future. Kyungsoo falls so deep into his own mouth, he swallows himself. He gets devoured so much by his own dishonesty, he starts to believe the lies he tell and he becomes the very things that he is not, and that sad fact clashes so fiercely with his conscious.
At the end when the truth is revealed, he will break because his lies do not meet up to the expectations they precede.
-
Jongin wakes up to a soft moan and he feels a pair of arms around his waist.
Is it Chanyeol again?
He opens his eyes, all ready to scream but he stops.
He doesn't see a pair of crazy eyes or a twisted grin. Instead, he sees Kyungsoo lying next to him. Jongin stares at Kyungsoo's bare back with wide eyes and he realises what he had done. He screams internally, cursing his soul to burn in the deepest depth of hell. Jongin can't believe that he had tainted Kyungsoo with his dirty body.
"You're awake." Kyungsoo's voice startles him. Kyungsoo unwraps his arms from Jongin's waist and he sits up, stretching his arms. Jongin can see the clear marks of their lustful encounter on Kyungsoo's neck and he looks away.
"Look," Jongin takes in a sharp breath, "It's a mistake. I...I..."
Kyungsoo turns to him and he forces out a strained smile. "It's alright." Jongin notices the pain in his voice and it makes his heart cringe a little.
"I was drunk and--"
"I get it."
Jongin nods. He doesn't know why but it hurts so much. He wonders if it's from the throbbing headache or the tears on Kyungsoo's eyes.
-
Kyungsoo ties a bandana over his forehead and he stares at the empty wall. He sketches out the mural in his mind before he picks up the brush. Blue for Jongin and Orange for Kyungsoo. Blue for the sky and Orange for the sun. Blue for the everlasting wish of love and Orange for Jongin's happiness. Kyungsoo grips on the brush tightly before he starts to paint. He ignores the ache in his chest and the tears that are dripping down his chin.
He is fine.
He will be.
Blue for the future and Orange for hope.
Kyungsoo falls into his illusion of colours and he tries to imagine Jongin's laughter surrounding him.
(But he doesn't remember how it sound like.)
-
The questions Jongin has have no answers. They never do, because he never bothered about it. They stretch for hundreds of miles, because he lets it grow in him, and he follows them until he is desperate and delusional.
But it gets clearer and clearer.
The weird churning of his guts and the tightening of his chest whenever he sees Chanyeol around Kyungsoo, Jongin realises that he's still in love with him. (But he always was.)
What he had with Kyungsoo wasn't ideal at all. He wasn't exactly nice to Kyungsoo when he's sober. He often blurts out things without thinking and he swears he could hear Kyungsoo breaking from every sentence. He tries to tell Kyungsoo that he loves him amongst the blunt sentences and awkward silences. But nothing gets through.
When the alcohol takes over, Jongin becomes hungry for Kyungsoo. It was just plain sex, he had stated pretty clearly from the beginning. Jongin thought that it was a better alternative for his unrequited love. But it wasn't. It is much more worse.
"Oh fuck it, the zip is stuck." Jongin curses softly and Kyungsoo laughs that laughter that traps his heart in the seas of unrequited affection. He pushes Jongin's hands away and he unzips it himself. Jongin scoffs at himself for his clumsy hands before he kicks the pants aside and he pushes Kyungsoo against the wall. His breathing gets heavier as their eyes meet, arousal and need is written clearly on his face. He lifts his thumb to Kyungsoo's cheek, tracing the outline as he tries to memorise the curves of it. Moving closer, he takes in soft scent of Kyungsoo's shampoo and the scent comforts him a little, making his heart feel lighter. As he plants soft kisses and nibbles down Kyungsoo's jaw, he feels Kyungsoo trembling.
It's a sin, Jongin thinks.
The desperate touches and the hungry kisses, they are part of an addiction Jongin hates. And it gets worse each time. Jongin thinks he's going to break soon.
A moan escapes his swollen lips before Kyungsoo pulls him even closer.
When morning comes, Jongin knows that it will end. The passionate nights they shared will only be lustful dreams and it will never become a reality. But for now, he doesn't really care, because he just wants to bask himself in their desires and love him freely for the night. He blinds himself with the facade of Kyungsoo loving him back with kisses that would probably mean nothing at all. It is just a mere delusion but it is enough for him to carry on.
-
"You sound down. Are you alright?" Chanyeol asks with concern.
"Chanyeol, why are we always having skype talks late at night?"
"Bonding time. We have a social retard as a friend so we need time to clear the accumulated misunderstandings."
"yeIt isn't Jongin's fault. I deserve it."
"I really don't get you two. Kyungsoo, what exactly happened? Why is he so--"
"Pissed? I don't know. How did you know him anyway?"
"He's a dance choreographer for some show that I was on. You know I can't dance so I needed him badly. But he was scary initially. Had a permanent scowl on his face."
"Isn't he a dancer?"
"Dancer? Nah. Haven't you heard? He can't dance anymore. He broke his leg from a fall and he quitted."
Kyungsoo grips on the edge of the table.
"Kai said he was a messed up bastard in school. He almost dropped out of school. To be honest, he never lets me call him Jongin. He hated that name. He says it reminds him of the past."
Kyungsoo remains silent as he stares at the flickering screen, letting Chanyeol's words sink into his head.
"Kyungsoo? Hello?"
"Chanyeol, I need to go off. I'm tired."
"Alright. Good night!"
The door swings open and Jongin staggers into the living room.
"Hyung..." he mumbles. Kyungsoo jumps up and grabs the mouse, trying to close the browser.
"Hey! Is everything alright?" Chanyeol's voice booms through the speaker. Jongin looks up and glares at the laptop.
"I got to go. Jongin is drunk." With that, he shuts the laptop close. Jongin staggers towards him and pins him to the table.
"Why are you talking to Chanyeol?" he slurs. Kyungsoo looks away as he holds his breath, trying to ignore the bitter smell of alcohol in Jongin's breath.
"You're drunk."
"I'm not."
Kyungsoo sighs as he pushes Jongin away."Come on, I'll bring you to your room and wash you up."
"I don't want that." Jongin shrugs Kyungsoo's hand away. Kyungsoo swallows hard because he knows where this is going. Jongin lifts his hand to Kyungsoo's cheek and caresses it gently.
"No Jongin. Not tonight. "
Jongin shakes his head and rests his head on Kyungsoo's shoulder. "Please hyung..." he pleads. The desperation in his voice made Kyungsoo lose his resolve.
"Fine..." Kyungsoo's voice cracks a little. As much as he hates this, he needs it as badly as Jongin.
When they're halfway into Kyungsoo's room, Kyungsoo realises that Jongin will never be sober enough to love him. This is the best he can get, the closest to the love he yearns for.
-
Kyungsoo stares at the tears dripping down his chin as he traces the cracks of the mirror. The cracks are strangely familiar and the sharp edges cut through his skin, staining the mirror with his blood. The blood drips down, just like his tears, engulfing his reflection with vivid red.
He feels the hours and minutes bleeding into one another, just like his open wounds. His hurt is lost somewhere inside his heart, abandoned and trapped. He was used to the pain and familiar with the burning agony growing in his cracked ribs. He tries to wipe the tears away, but instead he smudges the blood over his swollen eyes.
Kyungsoo leans quietly against the bathroom door as he hugs his knees, counting the seconds that are ticking away as he grieves with his empty heart. Silently, he falls alone and he realises he can't never stand up, no matter how he tries . He laughs bitterly when he finally recalls where he had seen the cracks.
On the edges of his broken heart.
-
Jongin hears Kyungsoo sobbing in the toilet. He gets up from the bed and he walks to the toilet.
"Hey, are you alright?"
Silence.
"Kyungsoo, open the door."
Jongin knocks on the door and he tries to push it open. The door won't budge. All sorts of thoughts surface in his erratic mind. His hangover isn't helping at all.
"Please, open the door."
And there is a soft click. Jongin pushes the door and it swings open. Next to the basin, Kyungsoo sits there, amongst the fragments of the shattered mirror.
"What are you trying to do!" he yells when he notices the blood. He grabs Kyungsoo's hand and holds it tightly, trying to stop the bleeding.
"I'm sorry Jongin."
"Does it hurt badly?"
"I'm sorry."
Jongin grunts in frustration and he pulls Kyungsoo up.
"Why are you apologising?"
"Chanyeol told me everything. I...It's my fault, isn't it? "
Jongin forgets about the headache and he sobers up. His grip around Kyungsoo's wrist tightens.
"It's my fault that you've became like this, isnt' it? Drinking every night and sleeping around. Now you treat me like a fuck toy. Is this your revenge?"
"No it isn't. I'm just a fucking depressed bastard. I drink to escape from all of the shit and I don't sleep around. I never did," You were the only one. " I wasn't mad at you for leaving me behind. I know you had to go. I was mad because," he stops for a while as he tries to hold back his tears." because you weren't by my side when I needed you. I--I...I really didn't mean to hurt you."
"Jongin..."
Jongin lets go of Kyungsoo's arm. "We can stop if you want. If it hurts you so much, just fucking leave for all I care! I don't need you to do stupid things for me!" he spits before he storms out of the toilet, slamming the door in Kyungsoo's face, shutting him again away from his heart.
-
Kyungsoo stares at his empty luggage. He remembers the time when words were coated in earnest innocence but his naivety falls apart, along with everything he had believed in. The dried paint on his wound are warped with memories he suppressed and they mould into morsels for his agony to feed on. And when they're gone, he'll fall back into the familiar darkness where there are no colours or Jongin.
Kyungsoo grabs his brush and he dips into the paint angrily. Channelling his anguish into the tip of the brush, he draws harsh strokes on the wall, amongst the fragile lines he had marked before. The stars he had drew disappeared in the midst of the greys and blacks. Kyungsoo coughs out a bitter laugh as he stares into the blankness of the starless sky. The mural looks better now, doesn't it? He bites back his tears and dumps the brush into the paint.
It looks like him now.
As he starts to fold the fragments of pain away from his heart, he buries himself in the nonexistent constellations of the mural. Blue for nothing and orange for nothing. The orange and blue start fading away and Kyungsoo sees nothing but the grime of the bleakness emptiness.
-
The days go by vaguely; Jongin slowly forgets what he is actually living for. He locks himself in and drowns in the comfortable silence of his stuffy room. He stares at the clock ticking, watching the hands move every minute and second. He wonders how things would be like if he could push those hands backwards. He wants to morph the present into the past so badly.
It isn't the right way to love him, Jongin know that it will never work. Kyungsoo isn't a punching bag for him nor is he someone he can hold on to. Jongin is used to the solitude and he doesn't have the luxury to entrap Kyungsoo's heart in his games. Kyungsoo deserves better.
"Kai. Open the fucking door." The deep voice cracks through his delusions. Jongin looks to the door in surprise. Chanyeol rarely curses, and when he did, it scares Jongin. He never gets mad. Never.
"Kim Jongin. Open the fucking door. Or I'll burn the apartment down."
"Go away." He yells before he covers his head with his pillow.
"You're hurting Kyungsoo. I don't like it when he cries on the phone. I don't like it when he thinks everything it's his fault. He is blaming himself for something he obviously didn't do. He doesn't deserve to be responsible for your crappy brain or heart, if you even have one. I don't care if you're fucked up but stop acting like a bastard. For Kyungsoo, and for yourself.”
Jongin remains silent. He sits up and he stares at the door blankly, his heart still blocking out every word Chanyeol had said. Chanyeol lets out an exasperated sigh before he kicks the door in frustration.
“If you think you're the only who went through shit, then you're wrong. Kyungsoo's family became bankrupt and he had nothing left, not even his dreams. I think you know that. You should have seen how terrible he was back then. I bet your sissy little heart won't be able to take the sight of him. If it wasn't for you, I think he'll be dead already. You're the reason why he's hanging on. He said that himself."
"He doesn't care. I know It's just pity and he can die for all he wants. I don't care."
Suddenly, he hears a loud gasp.
"Crap. Kyungsoo, why are you here? Jongin didn't mean--"
Fuck, did he hear that? Jongin rushes to the door and opens it. Chanyeol stands there, cross-armed with a triumphant smirk on his face.
"Psh. Welcome back to the land of the living." Chanyeol says "I see you still care about Kyungsoo."
Jongin glares at Chanyeol and he slams the door close. But Chanyeol manages to stick his foot in and stop the door from closing. Chanyeol sighs deeply and he passes a bunch of keys to Jongin.
"You're the dumbest bastard I've ever seen. Kyungsoo left. Are you happy now?"
With that, Chanyeol leaves Jongin hanging in his own silence.
-
Jongin walks into Kyungsoo's room and the first thing he sees is the black walls. He doesn't remember having a black room in his apartment. He looks at the boxes and he scoffs. Right, Kyungsoo did it. Kyungsoo was here. But why black? Jongin sits on Kyungsoo's bed before he lies down, trying to grasp any warmth that Kyungsoo had left. But there were none. The bed was frighteningly cold and Jongin curls into a ball, trying to ignore the staleness of the room.
Kyungsoo had slept here, he wonders about the dreams Kyungsoo had. But staring at the walls, Jongin thinks Kyungsoo only had nightmares and nothing else. Bleakness of the walls dulls his heart and he feels his mind floating away, into the nothingness of the room.
He is happy.
He should be.
Because Kyungsoo left and that's all he wanted.
Before he leaves the room, Jongin spots two dots, a blue and an orange dot, at the corner of the wall. He traces the scribbling next to the dots, trying to figure the words out. And when he does, he feels the tears falling over his cheeks.
Hyung loves you.
Jongin dashes out of the room as he grasp onto the little glimmer of hope that the dots had offered.
He is going to make things right again.
-
Kyungsoo sits on a swing and he stares at the empty playground. It's pretty late at night so all the kids had went home, all except Kyungsoo. He had tried to distract himself with painting, trying to capture the children's happy faces in his little sketch book, but the only faces he had drawn so far, were Jongin's.
"If I knew what happened, I would definitely return. I will never abandon you." Kyungsoo says to the empty swing next to him.
Kyungsoo didn't have the courage to talk to Jongin again, after he had left him years ago. Jongin didn't call him too, so he took it that Jongin didn't want him in his life anymore. But little did he know that Jongin was like him, busy fixing his own broken dreams. If he knew, he would drop everything and run back to Jongin.
"Hyung would have protected you."
"I know."
Kyungsoo gets startled by the sudden interruption and he looks up. Jongin is next to him, crouching down and panting heavily. Kyungsoo chokes on the air and he drops his sketchbook.
"Why are you-- How did you find me?"
"Chanyeol."
Kyungsoo stands up and he bends down to pick his sketchbook. "Go away. I don't want to see you. You--" Jongin grabs onto his arm, stopping him from leaving.
"I...I was mad. Why weren't you with me when I was dying? But I couldn't blame you. I never did. After many years, you suddenly appeared. I didn't know how to react to you. When I realised how pathetic I became, I knew that I will never be good enough for you anymore." Jongin lets out a soft breath as he brushes his trembling hand through his hair. Kyungsoo had never seen Jongin so vulnerable before.
"I can't protect you like how I used to and I will never be that dancer that you admired. I'm nothing now. I don't deserve the right to have you back in my life anymore. That's why I'm always pushing you away."
Kyungsoo clenches his fist tightly. He grabs a twig from the ground and he breaks it into many pieces. Jongin stares at him, confused by his behaviour. Kyungsoo throws the broken bits at Jongin.
"You're stupid. How can you be nothing? Look at the twig Jongin. Even though it's broken into pieces but you still can see it. If that dumb twig is still visible, you're not nothing!" Kyungsoo resists the temptation to whack Jongin in the head for his brainless theory. "I don't need that perfect dancer. I need you, Jongin. I miss that over-protective kid and that little annoying retard. You're still you, no matter how broken you are and you are perfect for your imperfections." Hesitantly, Jongin reaches for Kyungsoo's hand and he holds it tightly.
"But Hyung, I've never looked at you as someone platonic, I never did. Those feelings suppressed inside of me, they were going to burst. But you never did see me as someone...more than a friend. You were always busy taking care of me and I...wanted more. That's why I couldn't control myself, especially when I'm drunk. I'm sorry if I had hurt you. I didn't want to be an asshole to you. But I just...I don't know how to love you. I've been a jerk for a long time and it's hard for me to change overnight, but I will try. So, step one," Jongin takes a deep breath and he pulls Kyungsoo closer.
" I love you. I always did, ever since that afternoon when you appeared in my studio."
The lies that Kyungsoo had blinded himself with becomes the truth that he had been dreaming of. Kyungsoo lets out a deep sigh and he whacks Jongin with his sketchbook.
"I love you too."
Jongin chuckles as he rubs his head.
"Step two," Jongin whispers before leaning in and he kisses Kyungsoo on his lips. For the first time, the kiss wasn't bitter at all, it is finally filled with the sweetness that he had always yearned for.
-
Jongin opens the door and he finds Kyungsoo leaning against the wall, sleeping soundly. He crouches next to him and he stares at him lovingly. It had been years since he had looked so closely at Kyungsoo. Slowly and carefully, he sits down next to Kyungsoo. As if on cue, Kyungsoo's head drops down. He chuckles softly as he moves Kyungsoo's head to his shoulders. When Jongin looks up, he finally sees the mural Kyungsoo had painstakingly drawn, over the horrendous black. He gapes at it with wide eyes.
"Who gave you the permission to paint," he whispers jokingly.
Kyungsoo had drawn two stars dancing together, amongst the black crochets and stars. The bleak and starless sky is bright once again. It reminds him of something, a precious memory. Blue for him, orange for Kyungsoo.
"I wish hyung will be with me forever!"
Jongin smiles fondly at Kyungsoo. "You tried, didn't you? To protect my wish.".
Jongin closes his eyes and he listens to Kyungsoo's heart beating, counting them silently in his heart. That wish was pretty selfish, wasn't it? Would Kyungsoo even want to waste his forever on him?
"Am I worth it?" Jongin sighs to himself.
"You know, you got to stop looking down at yourself. It's annoying." Kyungsoo says suddenly. He opens his eyes before he sits up. Jongin's jaws drop and he jerks away from Kyungsoo.
"What. You were awake?"
Kyungsoo laughs and shakes his head. "I wasn't but you woke me up with that depressing question..."
"I've been waiting for you since I was 14, so obviously you are worth it. If I hear you utter another word about it, I swear I'm going to paint you green."
Jongin sniggers and he looks at him, amused. "Oh green how scary. But you had already painted me orange."
"What? Since when?"
"You left a mark on my lips. An orange mark to be exact." Jongin flicks Kyungsoo's forehead. Kyungsoo pushes him away and he blushes hard Jongin laughs heartily and he pulls Kyungsoo into a headlock.
"Paint me orange again, I would really like that better than green."
Kyungsoo wriggles his way out of Jongin's arm and he punches his stomach.
"That's the dumbest way to ask for a kiss. But it's alright. Hyung is pretty generous." Kyungsoo pulls Jongin by his collar and he presses his lips against Jongin's.
And everything falls back into place, just like how it did before.
(Kyungsoo manages to paint Jongin orange, literally.)
a/n: I really tried writing smut but I just couldn't (I'm terrible at it, sorry;~:)I hope this isn't too bad. the little quote from the beginning is taken from exo's heart attack.
For: fatal_fangirl
Pairing: Jongin/Kyungsoo
Rating: pg-13
Length: 9467 words
Summary: Kyungsoo tries to find Jongin again, amongst the brokens dreams they had once shared.
Jongin's eyes beg him to "leave" whilst in Kyungsoo's head, his half-finished thought ends with “stay”. And so they lost each other, because neither of them is willing to reach out.
Perhaps they were just too wounded for one another, or maybe they weren’t wounded at all. They might just be acting, for the sake of what they had wanted. They slowly become the ghosts they tell themselves they were, and they sublimate from each other’s realities, just like the magic in fairy tales.
As Kyungsoo stares at the unfinished mural on his wall, it hit him all at once how far apart they had become, and how much that distance, amongst all things in the universe, mattered to him. He realises that Jongin might have been only waiting for him to reach out. Meanwhile, he was waiting, desperately, for him to do the same.
And so they are stuck, far apart from each other, with the past holding them back.
You are a strong flashlight,
still yet your figure forever is left as an afterimage flashback.
Kyungsoo remembers the time when he first saw Jongin. It was years back, when they were kids, struggling to chase dreams that were too big for their little hearts. Kyungsoo was barely 14 and he had difficulty fitting into school. Just because he looked vulnerable and his background was a little different from the rest, he was always targeted by the students. The insults that the other kids hurled at him made it hard for him to believe in himself.
You can't sing.
Give it up.
Maybe the school of arts wasn't his cup of tea.
Kyungsoo wandered around the campus alone, searching for an empty practice room. A soft trail of music stopped him in his tracks. Unknowingly, he followed it and he found himself in front of a dance room. Quietly, he sneaked in as curiosity grew in him.
The bronze-skinned male pranced across the parquet floor, marking the tiles with his graceful shadow. The way his body curves when he spins, it made Kyungsoo's heart stop and he forgot to breathe for a second.
"It's rude to stare." The voice broke Kyungsoo's reverie and he blinked blankly at the male. He chuckled softly as he turned to the stereo, switching the music off. Kyungsoo took note of the perfect curve of his arms and he looked at his, they were nothing like Jongin's. Perhaps he should have taken up ballet.
"You are?"
Kyungsoo cleared his throat nervously, feeling his heart stuck in his mouth.
"Kyu-ungsoo."
"I'm Jongin." He held his hand out, waiting for the latter to shake it. Kyungsoo stared at his hand, confused.
"Step one, shake the hand." With that, Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo's sweaty hand and he held it firmly before he shakes it. Kyungsoo tried to ignore the feeling of Jongin's fingers wrapping around his.
"Step two...Nah. There isn't a fixed guide in making friends. Screw it." Kyungsoo broke into a gentle laughter but he stopped when he realised that Jongin wanted to be friends.
"Fri-iends?"
"Yes, friends!"
Kyungsoo grinned widely. Jongin was the first friend he had made in school.
(And he was the first person he had gave his heart to.)
-
Kyungsoo thinks fate is a sadistic bastard who is addicted to stupid twists. Chanyeol's friend needs a roommate to share the rent and Kyungsoo needs a place to stay. Rooming together would be a perfect solution to their problems.
"Why don't you move in with him? I'll call him now."
"But I--"
"I don't want you to be homeless. Besides, you don't really have a choice, do you?"
Kyungsoo's parents had sold their flat and they were leaving the country to live with a relative. He had assured (lied to) them that he has a place to stay. Kyungsoo sighs in defeat and he slowly nods. Chanyeol smiles widely as he digs out his phone, calling his friend almost immediately.
"Kai, I found someone who is willing to room with you!" Chanyeol stands up from his seat and walks away from the table. His boisterous voice echoes through the cafe but it slowly fades off when he disappears outside.
Kyungsoo stares silently at the steam rising from his coffee. The worries start to bombard his mind as his heartbeats start to synchronize with the sound of the ticking clock. When Chanyeol pushes the door open, Kyungsoo could feel the strong winter breeze from outside and he shudders a little. Chanyeol quickly makes his way back and he slams his hands on the table.
"Guess what? He's coming to meet you."
Kyungsoo hums a soft "um" before he looks at his coffee as he taps his foot to the beat of his heart. It's getting faster,
And faster.
Occupied by his nervousness, he pays no attention to Chanyeol's rambling about his friend but he nods occasionally just to show that he is still here.
"Oh he's here!"
Chanyeol drags his chair, making Kyungsoo cringe at the noise. He looks up to the approaching figure. When the face of the stranger gets clearer, Kyungsoo feels his heart stopping. The bronzed colour skin and plump lips, Kyungsoo recognises him immediately.
"Jongin," he mutters the name softly. It feels foreign and weird when his name rolls off his tongue. The man widens his eyes in shock for a moment, but it quickly changes back to the blank expression he had before.
"It's been a long while, isn't it?"
Chanyeol blinks, as he looks at them, confused.
"You two know each other?"
"We were from the same school." Jongin says nonchalantly. Kyungsoo nods along hesitantly, eyeing Jongin carefully. He tries to read Jongin's eyes but he finds nothing. It was empty and bottomless. The Jongin he sees now is completely different from the Jongin in his memories. Chanyeol, feeling the weird tension, clears his throat to break the awkward silence.
"Kai, Kyungsoo needs a place to stay."
Jongin's eyes come into focus and they immediately fixed onto Kyungsoo's flickering eyes, piercing straight through him, spearing the heart in Kyungsoo's mouth.
"I-- If you don't want me to, I can look for another--"
"It's fine. When will you move in?" his voice remains cold. Kyungsoo swallows hard before he chokes out a reply.
"Tomorrow."
(Kyungsoo's unprepared heart collapses after Jongin leaves the cafe with Chanyeol. He continues to stare at the coffee, trying to ignore his jumping heart, but the mist had condensed in the air and the coffee had already turned cold. Kyungsoo curses at fate silently.)
-
Kyungsoo was a small part of Jongin's past, the past that he has hide so deeply inside of him, just like a thick old book at the end of the shelf, collecting dust from time. There are no words that will contain the weight of his past; there is nothing he can do to erase the memories of yesterdays.
His failure had lingered amongst his many regrets, tearing his pained heart every night. He was constantly battling with insomnia, trying to forget the blinding limelight and the loud crack of his bone
.
He hadn't thought that his past will come haunting him again, especially in the form of his first love. He was so busy nursing his wounds; he had unconsciously shut himself away from everyone. Ever since Kyungsoo left, everything was just a passing phase. He seemed to be drowning in things he cannot grasp or understand. There was no certainty as he continues to fumble down a dark tunnel that didn't have an opening at the end. He was stumbling over his emptiness. And so lessons went by like a breeze and he could remember nothing from school. It was a miracle for him to graduate.
After graduation, the school pitied their once star dancer and they had offered him a course on dance choreography. Jongin was grateful for the opportunity to drown himself in the workload, but he was bitter about the sympathy.
Maybe if Kyungsoo hadn't disappear, he could have brushed all of this as a simple nightmare because he knew he would be fine, if Kyungsoo was by his side.
But he wasn't.
The battle with self-pity and despair carried on and he learnt to swallow his feelings and had built a mask for himself, to hide away from everything and to protect himself from breaking any further.
-
Kyungsoo had to give up his dreams. His father had lost his job, so they couldn't afford the school fees. Even the scholarship couldn't save him. He was almost 17 and he was sure that he would be fine if he had tried harder. He should have worked, part-time or full-time on the weekends. He should have argued that he was old enough to fend for himself. There were many possibilities that he should have pursued because he needed his dreams to live.
But he couldn't. He didn't had the heart to abandon his parents.
So he chose his family over his dreams. He had chose responsibility over love.
He remembers the day when he left the school. The load of his bag was exceptionally heavy and his feet were sinking at every step he took, away from the school gates.
"Kyungsoo!" the voice he knew so well tugged at his heart painfully. He turned behind and he saw Jongin, red-eyed and haggard.
"Don't go," he pleaded desperately, "Don't leave me behind."
"I can't Jongin. I would really love to stay and live our dreams together but I can't afford to. My family needs me."
"But I need you too."
"I'm sure you'll do fine without me. You're pretty strong."
"But--"
"No buts. I have to go, or I'll miss the bus. Go back to school, you'll get detention if you stay here."
Kyungsoo stepped away from him and turned his back towards Jongin. He closed his eyes, drowning away Jongin's pleads.
He wanted to drop everything and run back to Jongin. He wanted to leave everything and run away. But he didn't. Kyungsoo knew it was the right thing to do. Jongin was never his to keep and there was nothing between them. They were just friends in the same school, they weren't even classmates. He shouldn't pull him along with his problems. Jongin was just a silly infatuation that will probably fade away as the years go by.
But he was wrong. Kyungsoo realises that on that day, he did not just threw his dreams away, he had also thrown his first love away. With that, he became like a ghost, with no dreams or hope, trapped inside in the walls of skin that were writhing away, threatening to crumple any moment.
He can never love anyone again, he realises, as much as he did with Jongin.
(Because he is still in love with that bronze-skinned dancer.)
-
Jongin feels the anger rising in him when he sees the familiar eyes blinking at him. Memories of Kyungsoo's indifferent words back then starts echoing in his head.
"I'm sure you'll do fine without me. You're pretty strong."
He often laughs at them, finding them ironic. If he's really that strong, why did he break at the aftermath of his fall? He only wanted someone to catch him, but there were none. The only willing person had left him, leaving him all alone as he struggles on, dealing with the cracks of his shattered dream. The impact of his fall was so big, the damage was irreversible. He knew he's beyond repair and nothing could save him. He could only hide in the shadows of his dream.
The doorbell rings and Jongin turns to the door. He stands up from the couch and opens the door. Kyungsoo hugs a box to his chest and he smiles awkwardly at Jongin. Don't smile, it's disgusting. Jongin had an urge to slam the door in his face but something stops him.
"I brought some of my stuff here. The truck will only be here tomorrow in the morning. So I--"
"Whatever. Just don't make a ruckus when your stuff comes. I need my sleep." Jongin moves away from the door, leaving it open for Kyungsoo to come in. "Your room is at the far left. Don't go into my room. I left the keys on the table. The details of the rent are stated on the paper." Kyungsoo tugs on his shirt to stop him.
"Do we have a-- Are we going to share our chores or--"
"Do whatever you want, I don't care. I don't really eat at home so there's food in the cabinets.". With that, Jongin grabs his jacket.
"I have to go out." He lies. He feels suffocated when he sees Kyungsoo's face. It reminds him of the painful past.
He can't stand the sight of him.
-
Kyungsoo grits his teeth hard and he swallows back the burning ache in his chest. The harsh words thrown at his face, Kyungsoo figures he deserves them. He watches silently as Jongin walks out, leaving him alone in the empty apartment. The silence starts engulfing the sounds of his heart beating and he feels a little numb. Kyungsoo lets out a breath but his heart beats faster.
He starts walking to his room with slow and steady steps. The weight of his box feels heavier than before. He pushes the door open with his body and the door swings open. The room is scarcely furnished and the yellow on the walls are fading. He makes a mental note to repaint them. He puts the box down at the corner of the room, before he jumps onto the bed. Feeling the soft sheets around him, he closes his eyes.
He smells the familiar scent of the fabric softener and he smiles to himself. The sheet smells like Jongin. He begins to lose himself in the midst of his memories as the scent spreads into his nose and his heart.
"Will my room be prettier if we put stars on them? They look childish though."
Kyungsoo rolled his eyes and laughed. "We'll paste it everywhere and it will be like the stars we see at night. Besides, your room looks boring."
"Can we name the stars?"
"Yeah, we can even make wishes if you want." Kyungsoo said in a mocking tone.
Jongin scoffed loudly before he grabbed the packet from Kyungsoo's hands. He took a sticker out, a blue one , and he closed his eyes. Kyungsoo looked at him, amused.
"I wish hyung will be with me forever!"
Kyungsoo felt a blush creeping onto his face and he looked away. Jongin opened his eyes and he pasted the sticker onto the wall next to him.
"Make a wish too, hyung!" Kyungsoo laughed at Jongin's eagerness and he dug his hand into the bag. He chose the bright orange sticker because it reminded him of Jongin. Jongin and his passion for dance, Jongin and his passion for well, everything. He was bright and exciting, everything Kyungsoo wasn't. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and made his wish silently.
I wish Jongin will always be happy.
And he opened his eyes. Jongin pouted and he shook Kyungsoo's arm. "You didn't say your wish out!"
"It wouldn't come true if I blurted it out."
"But I said it out and--"
"Wow! It looks really pretty!" Kyungsoo changed the subject quickly. Jongin scoffed loudly and he grabbed Kyungsoo by his neck, locking him into a painful headlock. Kyungsoo chuckled heartily as they wrestled with each other. After a long struggle, they landed on the ground with a loud thud. Kyungsoo fell into Jongin's arms and they both stared at each other awkwardly before they burst into laughter.
"That's what you get when you make Jongin mad." Jongin wriggled his brows in a ridiculous manner. Kyungsoo pinched his nose before he fell back onto the floor. Jongin's arms remained around him as they both stared silently at their stars.
Amongst the scent of fabric softener from Jongin's shirt and their tangled limbs, the blue star made a mark in Kyungsoo's heart and Kyungsoo started falling in love.
-
Jongin remembers the looks on the audience's faces when he landed on the stage with a deafening thud. The sound of his bone cracking was loud and it echoed clearly through the hall. His teacher rushed out and the other dancers crowded around him as he groaned painfully, clutching his broken leg. There were many murmurs and gasps spreading around the hall, but none were helping him. But the pain was so excruciating, it drowns out the noises around him. Everything started turning white and he started feeling numb. As he began to lose conscious, he heard Kyungsoo's singing echoing at the back of his head. Strangely, he felt calmer than before as the pain disappeared before he slowly slipped into darkness.
When he woke up, the news of him not being able to dance again was slapped into his face. He struggled to breathe as the pain lingered in his heart.
You can't dance anymore, I'm sorry.
Empty words of sympathy were thrown at him as he choked on the shattered pieces of his broken soul. He had already lost Kyungsoo, now he couldn't dance. He had never felt so lost before. When he recovered, he was thrown into the monotony of the world as he faced the judging stares, drilling holes into his back.
Why is he still here?
I thought he couldn't dance anymore?
Ostracised by the people around him, Jongin had nothing left. What remained were the vague memories of his beloved hyung. He often imagined what it would be like if Kyungsoo was still here. He would probably holler at the gossiping students, or he would squeeze his hand, giving him a small but encouraging smile. But he got none of that. He had learnt to toughen up and he hardened his stare, making sure no one could touch him. With that, Jongin spent the rest of his days in school at the back of the classroom, all alone.
He was all alone, until Chanyeol came into his life.
He was the first, after many years, to smile at him despite his hardened gaze. It was a refreshing change for Jongin, but he was still afraid of removing his mask. He couldn't afford to get use to Chanyeol's kindness because he knew he'll break again if he loses him, just like how he broke when Kyungsoo left him. But nevertheless Chanyeol's smile still managed to creep into his heart. For the first time in a long while, Jongin felt warmth in his heart.
As much as he hates Chanyeol's booming voice, but it was his voice that kept him awake. It was always Chanyeol who would grab him out of a bar if he got too drunk or slap him awake just to remind him that he's being a bastard. Chanyeol probably wouldn't know much about him and he wouldn't be as good as Kyungsoo had been as a friend but his company was more than enough. Besides, Chanyeol is pretty interesting and it doesn't harm to have a little spark in his mundane life.
Jongin feels a pair of arms around his waist. He groans softly as he rubs his eyes. When he opens his eyes, Jongin gets the shock of his life.
"What the fuck? What are you doing here?" he shrieks as he struggles to push Chanyeol away. Chanyeol sniggers and he hugs Jongin tighter.
"Good morning Kai baby"
"Get away from me. Now." Jongin manages to kick Chanyeol off his bed. He sighs deeply before he sinks back into his bed. Chanyeol climbs back onto the bed and he starts jumping around.
"Wake up! Kyungsoo needs help with his boxes."
Kyungsoo.
The name makes Jongin cringe and he proceeds to cover his head with a pillow.
"Hey. Hey. Heeeeeeey," Chanyeol yells at the pillow. Jongin jumps up and presses him down on the bed.
"I need my sleep. So shut up and leave me alone."
"But Kyungsoo--"
"I don't care."
Chanyeol stares at him as his smile fades away. "Did something happen between you two?"
"Nothing happened."
"You seem like you hate him and--"
The door opens but Jongin fails to notice the head peeking in.
"Kyungsoo is just a fucking stranger and I don't give any shits about strangers."
Chanyeol gasps and he gestures to his back. Jongin furrows his brows together in confusion before he turns around. The scowl on Jongin's face immediately softens.
" Am I interrupting something?"
Chanyeol pushes Jongin off and he gets up. "Let's go Kyungsoo, Kai needs his sleep."
Jongin tries to ignore the hurt in Kyungsoo's eyes. When Chanyeol wraps his arm around Kyungsoo's shoulders, Jongin couldn't go back to sleep anymore.
It hurts to see Kyungsoo's back disappearing behind the door.
-
"Kai doesn't mean what he says. He's just grumpy. Everyone's grumpy in the morning."
Kyungsoo laughs uneasily and he shakes his head.
"I'm fine Chanyeol. Besides, I'll probably forget about it." Kyungsoo pushes out a box and he opens it carefully. Chanyeol's eyes brighten when he sees the contents of the box.
"Paints! Are you going to paint on the wall?" Kyungsoo nods and he holds out a brush to Chanyeol.
"Want to help? I need to cover the walls with a base colour before I start painting on it."
"It's an honour!" Chanyeol engulfs Kyungsoo in a bone-crushing hug.
"We better get started if we want to finish it quickly." Chanyeol lets go of him promptly and he salutes with the brush.
"Yes sir!"
-
Kyungsoo couldn't sing like how he used to, there weren't any scores for him to read or demos for him to listen. After losing a huge part of his heart, he didn't know what to do to fill it up again. The void in his heart grew and he starts to feel sorry for himself, sorry for the futility and the emptiness, but there was nothing he could do. He wished he had an alternative, something to push him, but he had nothing left. He walked around with an anchor around his feet and a bloody vessel that felt more dead than alive.
I'm sorry, son. Please forgive me.
The apologies from his parents were much more painful to hear, as compared to the rest. It was so suffocating to bear the pity from everyone. Breathing had never felt so burdened.
"I wished hyung will be with me forever!"
The wish lingered in his heart, igniting a little glimmer of hope. Kyungsoo had to straighten out his life if he wants to make it up to Jongin. He gritted his teeth and he buckled up, finally waking up from his daze. With the scarce remnants from his past, Kyungsoo started to build up his life again-- with colours.
He had stumbled upon a box of paint before. Seeing the orange and blue reminded him of the naive wishes that they had plastered on the wall. With that, he held the brush and painted against the wall in his room. For the first time, Kyungsoo felt alive. He lets the strokes travel; the colours burst out, speaking for him in loud tones of orange. His heart chanted Jongin's name as his hand pranced across the wall, just like how Jongin did when he first saw him.
He fell in love again, just like how he did with singing and with Jongin.
-
When Jongin leaves the house, he hears the soft humming echoing from Kyungsoo's room. His chest tightens a little and he stops for a while, listening to it for a moment. He realises how much he had missed Kyungsoo. He feels a pang of guilt creeping into him and he hates it. It wasn't his fault, no one asked Kyungsoo to appear in front of him again, after when he had lost everything. He wasn't the almighty Jongin that could protect his hyung, or the well-loved dancer that Kyungsoo had admired. He was just a mere dance choreographer that took shit from conceited dancers. He wonders if he'll be like the dancers, had he not lose the ability to dance. Or maybe not.
"A break heals faster than a sprain.” Kyungsoo patted his head. Jongin rolled his eyes and flicked Kyungsoo's forehead.
"What a thing to say when your arm is bandaged. How did you even break your arm?"
"Someone pushed me down the stairs."
"What? Who? How? This is too far!" Jongin stood up from his seat. Kyungsoo pulled him down with his free hand. "But I'm fine. It's alright. If they pick on me again, you'll protect me, right?"
"Yeah. Of course! I'm almost 15!"
"Psh and I'm already 16. How embarrassing."
"Nah. It's alright, since I look older and stronger than you."
"But I'm wiser."
"Yeah yeah. Wise old man." Jongin pinched Kyungsoo's cheeks before he cracked up
"Hey!" Kyungsoo lifted his bandaged arm by accident and he winced in pain. Jongin stopped laughing immediately and he grabbed his arm, causing Kyungsoo to let out a yelp.
"I'm so sorry! I was worried I-- You'll get well right?" Kyungsoo bit on his lips as he put his arm down gently.
"As I said earlier, a break heals faster than a sprain.”
“That sounds so… clinical,” Jongin frowned.
“Hmm. You're too dumb for my wisdom." Jongin frowned even more.
"When your heart breaks, you can glue it back together and move on. There might be a scar or some cracks but it'll still work and the pain won't last forever. But when your heart is twisted, like a tear in a tendon, every beat will start to hurt and you won't be able to recognise your emotions because they're reacting to the sprain." Kyungsoo explained calmly, his gaze remained on Jongin as he listened intently.
Jongin wonders if the ache is part of the sprain. He shrugs the thought away as he steps out of the apartment, with Kyungsoo's soft lullaby lingering in his heart.
-
After seeing Chanyeol off, Kyungsoo returns to the apartment with a heavy feeling hanging in his heart.
Kyungsoo is just a fucking stranger and I don't give any shits about strangers.
The bitterness of the words strikes him hard and Kyungsoo is lost again. He didn't expect Jongin's hostility and it strains his heart whenever he takes the blow from Jongin's harsh words. What happened to Jongin? Why did he change?
Kyungsoo walked into the practice room and he spotted Jongin at the corner with his eyes closed. Quietly, he tiptoed towards him and he stopped at his side. He kneeled down and stared at him silently, tracing the features of his face with his eyes. Kyungsoo thought Jongin was beautiful, the way his eyelashes fluttered and the way his lips curved up whenever he smiled. Everything about him was perfect. He knew it was dangerous, for him to be so close to him. His heart pounded loudly against his chest and it felt like it could jump out of his ribs any moment.
But he couldn't resist.
Kyungsoo moved closer and he pressed his lips against Jongin's.
It was his first kiss, a kiss that Jongin would never know.
Kyungsoo smiles at the memory as he clears the cans of paint. As he wipes off his sweat, he smudges some at the corner of his lips. When he walks out of his room, he finds Jongin at the couch, fast asleep. Jongin still has his jacket on him and his bag hangs loosely from his shoulder. Is he that tired? Kyungsoo walks to his side and bends down, silently observing how his chest moves as he breathes. His face is still the same, maybe with a hint of wrinkles and scars but nevertheless, he is still perfect in Kyungsoo's eyes. The bitterness lingering in him had disappeared and his heart starts beating rapidly. He laughs softly at the situation, it reminds him of his first kiss.
Holding his breath, Kyungsoo moves closer and he kisses Jongin. Jongin starts to stir in his sleep and Kyungsoo steps back. He quickly disappears into his room, hoping that Jongin won't notice anything.
Kyungsoo doesn't see the orange paint that he had left at the corner of Jongin's lips.
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Kyungsoo wants blue to be the last colour he ever saw, just like the starry sky that fell on his head and left him concussed for days. The way it echoes symphonies and make shapes with the stars, calling them everything he could ever wished for and reaching up, up, up as far as his arms could go to touch them with the tips of his fingers, blue is his favourite, and it will always be. He imagines Jongin’s arms around him as they lie under the vast sky, counting the stars together with their hearts beating as one. But it's impossible.
Kyungsoo sets the table with anticipation. He places the bowls with care and wipes the utensils extra hard. The hot air rises from the dish when he opens the lid and the aroma from the soup spreads around the living room. Kyungsoo sits at his seat as he stares at his creations. He counts the seconds patiently as he starts to wait for Jongin.
(But he is always waiting for him.)
The door clicks open.
Kyungsoo jumps up from his seat and he rushes to the door. Jongin stumbles in with tired eyes and he dumps his bag on the floor.
"Jongin, I cooked--"
"I'm busy." Jongin brushes him aside and disappears into his room. Kyungsoo stares at the table and his heart starts to sink, along with the basil in the soup. But it's alright. Kyungsoo will try, again and again, even if it takes forever, just to fill the void between them.
-
Jongin sighs to himself when he walks into his apartment. Seeing Kyungsoo sleeping at the table, it burdens his heart and the guilt starts eating him. Jongin knows Kyungsoo is waiting for him, to grab the hand that he's holding out. He wants Jongin to reach out for him.
But he can't.
"You're really stubborn." He mumbles to the sleeping Kyungsoo.
Jongin leaves him there and he doesn't do anything. The food remains on the table, untouched. It was Kyungsoo's fifth attempt in cooking and he finds it unnecessary. Everything that Kyungsoo does is redundant and annoying because it reminds him how big of a jerk he was and how he doesn't deserve all of that. So he remains stagnant, he stays stuck in the same spot and Kyungsoo will start to slip away. He will disappear once again and Jongin will be left alone.
Don't waste your time on me.
Jongin gives Kyungsoo a final glance before he closes the door.
(He closes the door to his heart too.)
-
Kyungsoo knows that Jongin is never attainable. He is like the wind, always slipping through his hands. He is reckless and fast, Kyungsoo can't catch up with him. He doesn't dare to hope for anything in fear of a broken heart. Nevertheless, he still gets it broken whenever he sees Jongin comes back home with obnoxious marks on his neck and collarbones or when a stranger brings a drunk Jongin home. They are more than enough to tell him, Jongin will never be yours.
Everything is hurting and Kyungsoo is starting to believe that maybe they are better off as strangers. Strangers wouldn't have to be so concerned over each other, no hard feelings and no special yearnings. The line drawn between strangers is pretty clear but it's hard for Kyungsoo not to cross it.
-
Kyungsoo's head plays a thousand voices, taunting him to wait for what seem like an eternity and it strains a mere three minutes into a stretch of uncertainty. It is almost midnight and Jongin isn't home yet. Kyungsoo looks to the food and the disappointment weighs heavily on his heart.
The long awaited click echoes through the suffocating silence, Kyungsoo jerks his head towards the door. Jongin staggers into the living room, drenched and dazed.
"Are you drunk again?"
Jongin stared at him for a long while before he giggled. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and he grabs Jongin's arm wearily. So much for cooking. He wonders about the many leftovers he had stored in the fridge.
"I'll bring you to your room."
Jongin shrugs Kyungsoo's hand away and he leans forward instead, resting his head onto Kyungsoo's shoulder.
"This shoulder belongs to me. No one can touch it, not even Chanyeol." He mutters softly. Kyungsoo can feel Jongin's warm breath against his neck. He swallows hard before he pushes Jongin away.
"You're drunk. Go wash up and--" Jongin silences him with a kiss. Kyungsoo gasps loudly against his lips. This is wrong, this isn't right. He struggles against Jongin's arms for a while before he melts into the kiss. The alcohol lingers on his tongue and he feels a little light-headed. His heart is thumping loudly and he knows Jongin can hear it clearly. Jongin isn't sober, his heart screams, you can't do this. But the lust starts engulfing his conscience, Kyungsoo soon loses himself in his own worthless delusions.
Before he knew it, they are both in Jongin's room and clothes are strewn everywhere.
Kyungsoo starts painting an idealistic facade in and he starts lying to his conscious. Jongin loves you, he does. Each time their lips meet, a lie slips into his heart.
"Hyung..." Jongin breathes out, staring at Kyungsoo with eyes that are clouded with lust. Kyungsoo deceives himself and he confuses the lust with love. Kyungsoo's heart becomes drenched in his false hopes.
Sometimes, searching for the right is the last thing we do. The white lies are fabricated to cover the truth and it sweetens the bleak future. Kyungsoo falls so deep into his own mouth, he swallows himself. He gets devoured so much by his own dishonesty, he starts to believe the lies he tell and he becomes the very things that he is not, and that sad fact clashes so fiercely with his conscious.
At the end when the truth is revealed, he will break because his lies do not meet up to the expectations they precede.
-
Jongin wakes up to a soft moan and he feels a pair of arms around his waist.
Is it Chanyeol again?
He opens his eyes, all ready to scream but he stops.
He doesn't see a pair of crazy eyes or a twisted grin. Instead, he sees Kyungsoo lying next to him. Jongin stares at Kyungsoo's bare back with wide eyes and he realises what he had done. He screams internally, cursing his soul to burn in the deepest depth of hell. Jongin can't believe that he had tainted Kyungsoo with his dirty body.
"You're awake." Kyungsoo's voice startles him. Kyungsoo unwraps his arms from Jongin's waist and he sits up, stretching his arms. Jongin can see the clear marks of their lustful encounter on Kyungsoo's neck and he looks away.
"Look," Jongin takes in a sharp breath, "It's a mistake. I...I..."
Kyungsoo turns to him and he forces out a strained smile. "It's alright." Jongin notices the pain in his voice and it makes his heart cringe a little.
"I was drunk and--"
"I get it."
Jongin nods. He doesn't know why but it hurts so much. He wonders if it's from the throbbing headache or the tears on Kyungsoo's eyes.
-
Kyungsoo ties a bandana over his forehead and he stares at the empty wall. He sketches out the mural in his mind before he picks up the brush. Blue for Jongin and Orange for Kyungsoo. Blue for the sky and Orange for the sun. Blue for the everlasting wish of love and Orange for Jongin's happiness. Kyungsoo grips on the brush tightly before he starts to paint. He ignores the ache in his chest and the tears that are dripping down his chin.
He is fine.
He will be.
Blue for the future and Orange for hope.
Kyungsoo falls into his illusion of colours and he tries to imagine Jongin's laughter surrounding him.
(But he doesn't remember how it sound like.)
-
The questions Jongin has have no answers. They never do, because he never bothered about it. They stretch for hundreds of miles, because he lets it grow in him, and he follows them until he is desperate and delusional.
But it gets clearer and clearer.
The weird churning of his guts and the tightening of his chest whenever he sees Chanyeol around Kyungsoo, Jongin realises that he's still in love with him. (But he always was.)
What he had with Kyungsoo wasn't ideal at all. He wasn't exactly nice to Kyungsoo when he's sober. He often blurts out things without thinking and he swears he could hear Kyungsoo breaking from every sentence. He tries to tell Kyungsoo that he loves him amongst the blunt sentences and awkward silences. But nothing gets through.
When the alcohol takes over, Jongin becomes hungry for Kyungsoo. It was just plain sex, he had stated pretty clearly from the beginning. Jongin thought that it was a better alternative for his unrequited love. But it wasn't. It is much more worse.
"Oh fuck it, the zip is stuck." Jongin curses softly and Kyungsoo laughs that laughter that traps his heart in the seas of unrequited affection. He pushes Jongin's hands away and he unzips it himself. Jongin scoffs at himself for his clumsy hands before he kicks the pants aside and he pushes Kyungsoo against the wall. His breathing gets heavier as their eyes meet, arousal and need is written clearly on his face. He lifts his thumb to Kyungsoo's cheek, tracing the outline as he tries to memorise the curves of it. Moving closer, he takes in soft scent of Kyungsoo's shampoo and the scent comforts him a little, making his heart feel lighter. As he plants soft kisses and nibbles down Kyungsoo's jaw, he feels Kyungsoo trembling.
It's a sin, Jongin thinks.
The desperate touches and the hungry kisses, they are part of an addiction Jongin hates. And it gets worse each time. Jongin thinks he's going to break soon.
A moan escapes his swollen lips before Kyungsoo pulls him even closer.
When morning comes, Jongin knows that it will end. The passionate nights they shared will only be lustful dreams and it will never become a reality. But for now, he doesn't really care, because he just wants to bask himself in their desires and love him freely for the night. He blinds himself with the facade of Kyungsoo loving him back with kisses that would probably mean nothing at all. It is just a mere delusion but it is enough for him to carry on.
-
"You sound down. Are you alright?" Chanyeol asks with concern.
"Chanyeol, why are we always having skype talks late at night?"
"Bonding time. We have a social retard as a friend so we need time to clear the accumulated misunderstandings."
"yeIt isn't Jongin's fault. I deserve it."
"I really don't get you two. Kyungsoo, what exactly happened? Why is he so--"
"Pissed? I don't know. How did you know him anyway?"
"He's a dance choreographer for some show that I was on. You know I can't dance so I needed him badly. But he was scary initially. Had a permanent scowl on his face."
"Isn't he a dancer?"
"Dancer? Nah. Haven't you heard? He can't dance anymore. He broke his leg from a fall and he quitted."
Kyungsoo grips on the edge of the table.
"Kai said he was a messed up bastard in school. He almost dropped out of school. To be honest, he never lets me call him Jongin. He hated that name. He says it reminds him of the past."
Kyungsoo remains silent as he stares at the flickering screen, letting Chanyeol's words sink into his head.
"Kyungsoo? Hello?"
"Chanyeol, I need to go off. I'm tired."
"Alright. Good night!"
The door swings open and Jongin staggers into the living room.
"Hyung..." he mumbles. Kyungsoo jumps up and grabs the mouse, trying to close the browser.
"Hey! Is everything alright?" Chanyeol's voice booms through the speaker. Jongin looks up and glares at the laptop.
"I got to go. Jongin is drunk." With that, he shuts the laptop close. Jongin staggers towards him and pins him to the table.
"Why are you talking to Chanyeol?" he slurs. Kyungsoo looks away as he holds his breath, trying to ignore the bitter smell of alcohol in Jongin's breath.
"You're drunk."
"I'm not."
Kyungsoo sighs as he pushes Jongin away."Come on, I'll bring you to your room and wash you up."
"I don't want that." Jongin shrugs Kyungsoo's hand away. Kyungsoo swallows hard because he knows where this is going. Jongin lifts his hand to Kyungsoo's cheek and caresses it gently.
"No Jongin. Not tonight. "
Jongin shakes his head and rests his head on Kyungsoo's shoulder. "Please hyung..." he pleads. The desperation in his voice made Kyungsoo lose his resolve.
"Fine..." Kyungsoo's voice cracks a little. As much as he hates this, he needs it as badly as Jongin.
When they're halfway into Kyungsoo's room, Kyungsoo realises that Jongin will never be sober enough to love him. This is the best he can get, the closest to the love he yearns for.
-
Kyungsoo stares at the tears dripping down his chin as he traces the cracks of the mirror. The cracks are strangely familiar and the sharp edges cut through his skin, staining the mirror with his blood. The blood drips down, just like his tears, engulfing his reflection with vivid red.
He feels the hours and minutes bleeding into one another, just like his open wounds. His hurt is lost somewhere inside his heart, abandoned and trapped. He was used to the pain and familiar with the burning agony growing in his cracked ribs. He tries to wipe the tears away, but instead he smudges the blood over his swollen eyes.
Kyungsoo leans quietly against the bathroom door as he hugs his knees, counting the seconds that are ticking away as he grieves with his empty heart. Silently, he falls alone and he realises he can't never stand up, no matter how he tries . He laughs bitterly when he finally recalls where he had seen the cracks.
On the edges of his broken heart.
-
Jongin hears Kyungsoo sobbing in the toilet. He gets up from the bed and he walks to the toilet.
"Hey, are you alright?"
Silence.
"Kyungsoo, open the door."
Jongin knocks on the door and he tries to push it open. The door won't budge. All sorts of thoughts surface in his erratic mind. His hangover isn't helping at all.
"Please, open the door."
And there is a soft click. Jongin pushes the door and it swings open. Next to the basin, Kyungsoo sits there, amongst the fragments of the shattered mirror.
"What are you trying to do!" he yells when he notices the blood. He grabs Kyungsoo's hand and holds it tightly, trying to stop the bleeding.
"I'm sorry Jongin."
"Does it hurt badly?"
"I'm sorry."
Jongin grunts in frustration and he pulls Kyungsoo up.
"Why are you apologising?"
"Chanyeol told me everything. I...It's my fault, isn't it? "
Jongin forgets about the headache and he sobers up. His grip around Kyungsoo's wrist tightens.
"It's my fault that you've became like this, isnt' it? Drinking every night and sleeping around. Now you treat me like a fuck toy. Is this your revenge?"
"No it isn't. I'm just a fucking depressed bastard. I drink to escape from all of the shit and I don't sleep around. I never did," You were the only one. " I wasn't mad at you for leaving me behind. I know you had to go. I was mad because," he stops for a while as he tries to hold back his tears." because you weren't by my side when I needed you. I--I...I really didn't mean to hurt you."
"Jongin..."
Jongin lets go of Kyungsoo's arm. "We can stop if you want. If it hurts you so much, just fucking leave for all I care! I don't need you to do stupid things for me!" he spits before he storms out of the toilet, slamming the door in Kyungsoo's face, shutting him again away from his heart.
-
Kyungsoo stares at his empty luggage. He remembers the time when words were coated in earnest innocence but his naivety falls apart, along with everything he had believed in. The dried paint on his wound are warped with memories he suppressed and they mould into morsels for his agony to feed on. And when they're gone, he'll fall back into the familiar darkness where there are no colours or Jongin.
Kyungsoo grabs his brush and he dips into the paint angrily. Channelling his anguish into the tip of the brush, he draws harsh strokes on the wall, amongst the fragile lines he had marked before. The stars he had drew disappeared in the midst of the greys and blacks. Kyungsoo coughs out a bitter laugh as he stares into the blankness of the starless sky. The mural looks better now, doesn't it? He bites back his tears and dumps the brush into the paint.
It looks like him now.
As he starts to fold the fragments of pain away from his heart, he buries himself in the nonexistent constellations of the mural. Blue for nothing and orange for nothing. The orange and blue start fading away and Kyungsoo sees nothing but the grime of the bleakness emptiness.
-
The days go by vaguely; Jongin slowly forgets what he is actually living for. He locks himself in and drowns in the comfortable silence of his stuffy room. He stares at the clock ticking, watching the hands move every minute and second. He wonders how things would be like if he could push those hands backwards. He wants to morph the present into the past so badly.
It isn't the right way to love him, Jongin know that it will never work. Kyungsoo isn't a punching bag for him nor is he someone he can hold on to. Jongin is used to the solitude and he doesn't have the luxury to entrap Kyungsoo's heart in his games. Kyungsoo deserves better.
"Kai. Open the fucking door." The deep voice cracks through his delusions. Jongin looks to the door in surprise. Chanyeol rarely curses, and when he did, it scares Jongin. He never gets mad. Never.
"Kim Jongin. Open the fucking door. Or I'll burn the apartment down."
"Go away." He yells before he covers his head with his pillow.
"You're hurting Kyungsoo. I don't like it when he cries on the phone. I don't like it when he thinks everything it's his fault. He is blaming himself for something he obviously didn't do. He doesn't deserve to be responsible for your crappy brain or heart, if you even have one. I don't care if you're fucked up but stop acting like a bastard. For Kyungsoo, and for yourself.”
Jongin remains silent. He sits up and he stares at the door blankly, his heart still blocking out every word Chanyeol had said. Chanyeol lets out an exasperated sigh before he kicks the door in frustration.
“If you think you're the only who went through shit, then you're wrong. Kyungsoo's family became bankrupt and he had nothing left, not even his dreams. I think you know that. You should have seen how terrible he was back then. I bet your sissy little heart won't be able to take the sight of him. If it wasn't for you, I think he'll be dead already. You're the reason why he's hanging on. He said that himself."
"He doesn't care. I know It's just pity and he can die for all he wants. I don't care."
Suddenly, he hears a loud gasp.
"Crap. Kyungsoo, why are you here? Jongin didn't mean--"
Fuck, did he hear that? Jongin rushes to the door and opens it. Chanyeol stands there, cross-armed with a triumphant smirk on his face.
"Psh. Welcome back to the land of the living." Chanyeol says "I see you still care about Kyungsoo."
Jongin glares at Chanyeol and he slams the door close. But Chanyeol manages to stick his foot in and stop the door from closing. Chanyeol sighs deeply and he passes a bunch of keys to Jongin.
"You're the dumbest bastard I've ever seen. Kyungsoo left. Are you happy now?"
With that, Chanyeol leaves Jongin hanging in his own silence.
-
Jongin walks into Kyungsoo's room and the first thing he sees is the black walls. He doesn't remember having a black room in his apartment. He looks at the boxes and he scoffs. Right, Kyungsoo did it. Kyungsoo was here. But why black? Jongin sits on Kyungsoo's bed before he lies down, trying to grasp any warmth that Kyungsoo had left. But there were none. The bed was frighteningly cold and Jongin curls into a ball, trying to ignore the staleness of the room.
Kyungsoo had slept here, he wonders about the dreams Kyungsoo had. But staring at the walls, Jongin thinks Kyungsoo only had nightmares and nothing else. Bleakness of the walls dulls his heart and he feels his mind floating away, into the nothingness of the room.
He is happy.
He should be.
Because Kyungsoo left and that's all he wanted.
Before he leaves the room, Jongin spots two dots, a blue and an orange dot, at the corner of the wall. He traces the scribbling next to the dots, trying to figure the words out. And when he does, he feels the tears falling over his cheeks.
Hyung loves you.
Jongin dashes out of the room as he grasp onto the little glimmer of hope that the dots had offered.
He is going to make things right again.
-
Kyungsoo sits on a swing and he stares at the empty playground. It's pretty late at night so all the kids had went home, all except Kyungsoo. He had tried to distract himself with painting, trying to capture the children's happy faces in his little sketch book, but the only faces he had drawn so far, were Jongin's.
"If I knew what happened, I would definitely return. I will never abandon you." Kyungsoo says to the empty swing next to him.
Kyungsoo didn't have the courage to talk to Jongin again, after he had left him years ago. Jongin didn't call him too, so he took it that Jongin didn't want him in his life anymore. But little did he know that Jongin was like him, busy fixing his own broken dreams. If he knew, he would drop everything and run back to Jongin.
"Hyung would have protected you."
"I know."
Kyungsoo gets startled by the sudden interruption and he looks up. Jongin is next to him, crouching down and panting heavily. Kyungsoo chokes on the air and he drops his sketchbook.
"Why are you-- How did you find me?"
"Chanyeol."
Kyungsoo stands up and he bends down to pick his sketchbook. "Go away. I don't want to see you. You--" Jongin grabs onto his arm, stopping him from leaving.
"I...I was mad. Why weren't you with me when I was dying? But I couldn't blame you. I never did. After many years, you suddenly appeared. I didn't know how to react to you. When I realised how pathetic I became, I knew that I will never be good enough for you anymore." Jongin lets out a soft breath as he brushes his trembling hand through his hair. Kyungsoo had never seen Jongin so vulnerable before.
"I can't protect you like how I used to and I will never be that dancer that you admired. I'm nothing now. I don't deserve the right to have you back in my life anymore. That's why I'm always pushing you away."
Kyungsoo clenches his fist tightly. He grabs a twig from the ground and he breaks it into many pieces. Jongin stares at him, confused by his behaviour. Kyungsoo throws the broken bits at Jongin.
"You're stupid. How can you be nothing? Look at the twig Jongin. Even though it's broken into pieces but you still can see it. If that dumb twig is still visible, you're not nothing!" Kyungsoo resists the temptation to whack Jongin in the head for his brainless theory. "I don't need that perfect dancer. I need you, Jongin. I miss that over-protective kid and that little annoying retard. You're still you, no matter how broken you are and you are perfect for your imperfections." Hesitantly, Jongin reaches for Kyungsoo's hand and he holds it tightly.
"But Hyung, I've never looked at you as someone platonic, I never did. Those feelings suppressed inside of me, they were going to burst. But you never did see me as someone...more than a friend. You were always busy taking care of me and I...wanted more. That's why I couldn't control myself, especially when I'm drunk. I'm sorry if I had hurt you. I didn't want to be an asshole to you. But I just...I don't know how to love you. I've been a jerk for a long time and it's hard for me to change overnight, but I will try. So, step one," Jongin takes a deep breath and he pulls Kyungsoo closer.
" I love you. I always did, ever since that afternoon when you appeared in my studio."
The lies that Kyungsoo had blinded himself with becomes the truth that he had been dreaming of. Kyungsoo lets out a deep sigh and he whacks Jongin with his sketchbook.
"I love you too."
Jongin chuckles as he rubs his head.
"Step two," Jongin whispers before leaning in and he kisses Kyungsoo on his lips. For the first time, the kiss wasn't bitter at all, it is finally filled with the sweetness that he had always yearned for.
-
Jongin opens the door and he finds Kyungsoo leaning against the wall, sleeping soundly. He crouches next to him and he stares at him lovingly. It had been years since he had looked so closely at Kyungsoo. Slowly and carefully, he sits down next to Kyungsoo. As if on cue, Kyungsoo's head drops down. He chuckles softly as he moves Kyungsoo's head to his shoulders. When Jongin looks up, he finally sees the mural Kyungsoo had painstakingly drawn, over the horrendous black. He gapes at it with wide eyes.
"Who gave you the permission to paint," he whispers jokingly.
Kyungsoo had drawn two stars dancing together, amongst the black crochets and stars. The bleak and starless sky is bright once again. It reminds him of something, a precious memory. Blue for him, orange for Kyungsoo.
"I wish hyung will be with me forever!"
Jongin smiles fondly at Kyungsoo. "You tried, didn't you? To protect my wish.".
Jongin closes his eyes and he listens to Kyungsoo's heart beating, counting them silently in his heart. That wish was pretty selfish, wasn't it? Would Kyungsoo even want to waste his forever on him?
"Am I worth it?" Jongin sighs to himself.
"You know, you got to stop looking down at yourself. It's annoying." Kyungsoo says suddenly. He opens his eyes before he sits up. Jongin's jaws drop and he jerks away from Kyungsoo.
"What. You were awake?"
Kyungsoo laughs and shakes his head. "I wasn't but you woke me up with that depressing question..."
"I've been waiting for you since I was 14, so obviously you are worth it. If I hear you utter another word about it, I swear I'm going to paint you green."
Jongin sniggers and he looks at him, amused. "Oh green how scary. But you had already painted me orange."
"What? Since when?"
"You left a mark on my lips. An orange mark to be exact." Jongin flicks Kyungsoo's forehead. Kyungsoo pushes him away and he blushes hard Jongin laughs heartily and he pulls Kyungsoo into a headlock.
"Paint me orange again, I would really like that better than green."
Kyungsoo wriggles his way out of Jongin's arm and he punches his stomach.
"That's the dumbest way to ask for a kiss. But it's alright. Hyung is pretty generous." Kyungsoo pulls Jongin by his collar and he presses his lips against Jongin's.
And everything falls back into place, just like how it did before.
(Kyungsoo manages to paint Jongin orange, literally.)
a/n: I really tried writing smut but I just couldn't (I'm terrible at it, sorry;~:)I hope this isn't too bad. the little quote from the beginning is taken from exo's heart attack.