Playing God SPORK Ch1 - Kira's Goddess (Begin The Torture) (PART I)
Disclaimer: Death Note is owned by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. I make no money from this spork.
Anti-Sue Task Force
Case I
Playing God
by SuperSaiyanHollow
Alternative Title: A Foolish Female's Fatal Fun
Before I formally begin sporking this evil, I am going to begin with the summary, as it appears on the host site. It doesn't actually appear on the chapter itself, or in any chapter to date, but it is useful for you to see it, just so you know what we're dealing with here.
Full Summary: She can help Light more than Misa ever could. She is smarter than Takada. Is she the key to hepin Light make his dream world? Or has fate just added a new character to mix things up, but just have the game end the same way?
As you can see, it's not going to be pretty. From reading this, my first impressions were, of course, 'This is the story of a Speshul Snowflake and her seduction of a psychopath. This is a futile venture, but the Suethor is going to prove us wrong with the Power of Love. Of course, the Suethor's lack of imagination means that this ll end up being an utter waste of time to read, as it'll just end up as before'. As this is an ongong fic, I do not know how it will end exactly, but I will be making educated guesses as I go. If you've ever read BB's spork starring Nicozilla, then you'll know that I can actually be pretty astute with these.
Already, there are a couple of details that MUST be addressed. First of all, it is not possible that this Sue can be smarter than Kiyomi. In the canon, she was actually one of the smartest characters other than Light himself, and I suppose we can attribute her failures down to 'thinking with her heart' - that is, she was not emotionally as capable of handling the role of Kira as Light, and allowed her emotions to get the best of her (Fact: In volume 13, Light is attributed with an Emotional Strength score of 10/10, while Kiyomi has a mere 7/10). To suggest that there is an OC who is smarter than Kiyomi is to suggest that there is an OC smarter than Light, and that just cannot happen. As we all know, Light is established as being, intellectually, one of the most naturally gifted genii to exist in modern times - even L, Light's ultimate challenger, isn't quite as naturally intelligent, with much of his skill being down to his specialised upbringing and training with Watari (again, according to Word of God). could go n with this Nature vs. Nurture debate that exists in Death Note canon, but I cannot; I have to spork a bitch instead.
Before I point out the next mistake, please be aware that, no matter how she is referred to by this Suethor, Kiyomi Takada will be referred to as Kiyomi by myself for obvious reasons. Anyone who suggests that we intentionally share the same surname, and that I use it for her sake will be thrown to the Shadow Realm, where they will rot and grind their teeth for Eternity.
Thank You.
Meanwhile, the second obvious mistake is that if this phrase, 'dream world'. It is completely inaccurate in relation to the utopia that Light is building, as he not only intends to make it real, but he almost does. To call it a dream world is to insinuate that it is merely a flight of fancy, which it never was. (That is, unlike President Obama, when he sets out to do something, he actually does it rather than give nigh-empty promises. I'm sorry, but we're closing in on the Pesidential Election, and I couldn't resist).
As you can imagine, this is only going to get worse. For this reason, I will now introduce the first counter: The Exploding Canon count, to be added when the Suethor makes stupid canonical mistakes that she should really have known better about.
Current count: Exploding Canon - 2.
There will be more counts, but on that note, let's officially begin 'Playing God', chapter 1.
Playing God
Chapter 1
Kira's Goddess
(Begin The Torture)
(PART I)
Why, oh why are we beginning this chapter with such an obvious reference to such Sue-torture? Well, we know without even reading the first chapter properly that your OC is going to charm Light away from L (LxLight shipper, here), and that he's just going to fall helplessly in love with her to the point of stupidity, but frankly we do not want to be reminded of this fact right from the off. Living in a Dream World (see my proper use of the term right here?) just a little bit longer can't be too much to ask for, right?
But it is.
Author's Note: Hi guys and welcome to my new fic Playing God. I have planned this fic out a bit more than I did with Crawing In My Skin so I hope this does just as well as Crawling In My Skin did.
In other words, her Sue-Evil strategy has been given more than two night's thought and more than five sessions of wanking before it was begun. Having never read 'Crawling In My Skin' (which should either be given quotation marks or be in italics to make it stand out as a title), I cannot judge this for myself, but if I do, I will tell you what I think.
And as a writer, you should always to do your current project better than you did your last, aim to have it be more of a success. In saying that she hopes for it to do 'just as well' she is either extremely pretentious or extremely complacement. Neither of these are good things to be: For one thing, you cannot do pretention like I can. You may as well give up right now and forever wallow in shame at the lack of your pretention.
Not sure how many chapters this will be, but I'm guessing between 25 and 30. Not sure yet so, yeah sit back and let the show begin.
'Let the show begin'... if I have a nickel for every time a pile of shit started in this manner... I could probably buy an en suite bathroom.
Pairings: Light x OC
Hence why I'm doing this and not BB.
Warnings: an OC, OOCness, cussing, and violence
Or 'This is my way of saying this is gonna be totally badass'. It actually won't be. OCs are rarely done right, which is why we sporkers exist. There is never an excuse for OOCness, but the fact that she's acknowledged this must mean that she knows her pairing won't make sense in any other way... but has decided to disregard our threats not to start it anways.
Disclaimer: I in no way own Deathnote nor do I own any of the characters. I make no profit from this fic.
I am very glad you don't.
Fact: Throughout this fic, she spells Death Note as 'Deathnote'. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but my current guess is that, because the term doesn't have any spaces in it in its native Katakana script, she thinks it's perfectly fine for her to disregard the series' first translator... (-goes to volume 1 to check-) Pookie Rolf, who wa paid handsomely (I hope) to make it canonical that the phrase is actually 'Death Note'. Two words. It is not perfectly fine to make it one word, for the simple fact that it makes you an absolute Fail at the English Language.
I could go on, but I think I won't, because this is only going to continue, and I have other things to rage about.
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Normal Text
Thoughts
Or... watch me treat my fellow reader as a complete idiot who needs his/her hand held throughout. I think, after years of reading other works of fiction, we should already know the drill by now.
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Gently, the small droplets of rain hit her coat as she walked down the sidewalk to her apartment. She sighed in contentment as the light drizzle began to pick up. She had no umbrella only a coat, but that's all she needed.
For an introduction, this is boring. Rain does not grab. Action does. Violence does. Madness does. At least, in the Death Note universe, it does.
Why does she feel the need to mention her coat, and without a necessary comma after umbrella? It doesn't help that it's already boring me.
She loved the rain and felt like the rain was pure. It was just so clear and refreshing.
The rain has already been established as a subject by the fourth word. Mentioning it again was completely superfluous. Meanwhile, the Sue's typical association with the elements is brought in, and I already feel like she's just going to be this Super-Special-Chocolatey-Fudge-Covered-Awesome SPESHUL Snowflake, and that she is going to get on my nerves. By calling the rain pure, she is insinuating that she, the rain-loving Sue, is pure. And 'clear and refreshing', but as we all know, she is neither.
I shouldn't have this many reasons to hate her already.
She would never tell anyone, but she though that the rain washed away impurities from your soul. That one rain drop could melt away all the evil in that one spot it hit.
However, this absolute faith in this hogwash (which may turn out to be a painful allusion to a later incident in which rain really DOES wash away Evil, as if we didn't have enough supernaturalism and religious symbolism in this canon already...) does not explain why it hasn't already made you melt into sludge like the Wicked Witch of the West.
It made sense to her. After it rained, the world looked so new and genuine, how could you disagree.
I could. I've witnessed and been the victim of enough urban floods caused by rain to know that, in many places, the rain can dirty the streets with all sorts of muck.
Though she did feel a bit stupid for thinking this. Water couldn't take away your evil. You couldn't take away your evil unless you were killed.
Slap. Slap. Slap. This sentence makes no sense, grammatically, but already I'm feeling the great Dead Herring slap. I can already see where this is going.
When you died all the evil washed from your body and the world became a better place because of your death.
Yes, because stupid Sue-Logic like this is actually true. Also, I can't help but find the idea of the world becoming better because of your death and removal from it offensive. Yes, there are people who live today and shouldn't, whose deaths really would be a blessing, but they are a thankful minority in comparison to the large amount of good to found. Yes, this is probably a hopelessly romantic and optimistic for me to say, but I am aware of the Grey Scale of Good and Evil that exists, and am sure that the real situation is that the minority of truly bad people are just really loud, while the good people are either willing to give in and do deeds or just too quiet about them.
I've probably been dragged into this discussion because of the offense and my own experiences of losing family members. No, their deaths did NOT make the world a better place. Go to Hell.
Who could do such a thing though, she had thought. Who could slay people and then take away their evil?
-Eye roll- And here we go...
Kira could, that's who. She had found out about Kira a few weeks back when she had noticed mysterious heart attacks all in the news. Soon she saw that people believed that Kira was killing these people to create a new world. She has always wanted a better world; a world ruled by peace and not violence. So, this to her was a dream come true. Finally, someone was taking matters into their own hands and creating a just world.
That Dead Herring slap actually hurt. It was so obvious, that it honestly hurt.
Honestly, she strived to know how Kira killed and she also strived to become his goddess.
Well, why else do you exist? "With heart attacks! Don't ask so many questions, just serve your purpose!"
Kira was often thought of as God so, if she was to help Kira in his quest for a more just world, she would be his goddess.
Excuse me. I think I will laugh my head off at the atrocious levels of sef-inflicted sexism and theological bullshit going on.
Ahahahaha. AahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!hah
In case you didn't get the joke, it's over the fact that she thinks that a 'god' needs a woman by his side. The Gd, referred to with a capital 'G' in the monotheistic faiths, while technically not male or female, did not and does not need a partner goddess to help Him do His job, which is already well within the scope of His power (as for pronoun use, do note that, in English, the male pronouns are technically default when the desired gender is not known. After all, humanity is known as a species of 'Man'. Then comes the idea that she just HAS to help him, and essentially play second fiddle. Why? Because she is girl, she is not deserving of being at Kira's level. This is horribly sexist that she just assumes she must be content with this role. I'm all for caring for your man as an expression of your love for him, but not for the sake of social convention.
Meanwhile, she just assumes that Kira is male, that only a man would be Kira. If she really is as smart as she claims to be, then she'd have the perception to consider that Kira might actually be female (remember the arrival of the Second Kira, who was assumed by everyone (even Light) to be male, only to be as feminine as it is possible to be?). She should even have the perception to take a third option. Of course, her intelligence is only informed, and she's probably bringing in some wishful thinking as well.
She would be his right man and help in making this world a better place. Liar. You'd be his seving wench. Get back in the kitchen!!! She would reign over the world as one of the supreme rulers, but alas that was merely a childish fantasy. [1] [1] She would probably never know how Kira killed and she would never reign by his side.
But of course you'l fid out, SPOILER, she finds out this very chapter. And the Fish Slapping is getting irritating. Actually, with every Dead Herring, I willadd it to the newly opened Slapsgiving count.
Current count: Slapsgiving - 3
This time she sighed in longing as he walked down the slippery sidewalk. It was clearly pouring now and people scrambled to get inside and find shelter, but she continued down in but a simple coat that didn't even button.
In BUT a simple coat? Obviously, this Sue is meant to seem lowly and perhaps sweet in a drowned kitty kind of way. It doesn't work - as we all know, if it rains, you find some shelter!!! Oh yeah, and the use of 'but' is redundant and ncorrect. If she must emphasise the simplicity of the coat, a 'just' will do instead.
The sidewalk was clealy abandoned and she felt a bit free being the only one in the street.
In other words, she has to stand out. I can see this as her saying 'I, like my soon-to-be-Lighty-kins, only feel like myself when I'm not being watched. I must therefore be perfect for him!'
She was what most a considered a loner becaue she really hated working in groups or with more than one other person.
Department of Redundency Department, we have another one. Oh, and how convenient.
Rain beat down on her aching body from the work she had done earlier and soothed her muscles.
This comment seems pointless where it is, with no change in paragraph. There should actually be a new paragraph before this line, and yet she neglects to do so.
Just as she was enjoying her walk home she didn't feel any concrete underneath her and instead felt some papery.
This seems highly unlikely, that she can feel a change in the ground so specifically through her shoes. In fact, to prove her wrong, I tested this: Wearing slippers and socks, and putting an excercise book (with the same kind of binding as the Death Note) on my carpeted floor, I walk about on it, and get a feel for the terrain. It know it's carpet because of the friction on the slipper an the sound it makes when I walk on it. I then step on and off the notebook. The fact is that, while it felt distinctly smooth in comparison, I wouldn't have known it was paper if I had't known it was there. Conclusion? You cannot feel paper thrugh your shoes. You coud detect a difference, sure, but it wouldn't be 'some papery'.
Which reminds me: Children, when you write, please, please, please read through everything aloud at least wice, to make sure there are no mistakes. This is how you avoid making yourself look like a fool.
Before she knew however, she was flat on her face. Yay!!! She winced as herskin made contact with the concrete below and slowl se began to feel warmth on her cheek. Her nose throbbed with pain. She sat up on her knees and lifted her hand up to her cheek. A hiss escaped her mouth as she gingerly touch the cut on her cheek. It was a pretty fair cut, that when traced she felt it extend from the corner of her nose to the corner of her mouth.
Fact: One’s heritage does not guarantee fluency and/or literacy in the language native to that heritage. Heritage-wise, and according to this logic, I should be fluent/literate in Scots Gaelic, yet I only know a few words and a handy celebratory phrase. So far, all we know about this girl is that she is allegedly Japanese and definitely a twit. As for where she lives (and the mentioning of watching Kira on the news is no guarantee, remember, since he always makes international news), we have no clue. If I didn’t know better, I’d say America.
Also, of all the notebooks that have appeared, only two of them have been written on - one in English script, and another in a Shinigami script. All others were never labelled in this way that we know, and we assume that Ryuk wrote on his so that his human would have an idea of what he was dealing with (English being a universal language and lingua franca… and informed consent and all). Therefore, it is not de facto for Death Notes to be labelled. Assuming so is stupid and…
Exploding Canon - 4
She may be literate in Japanese, but she must not be in English with this ‘Deathnote’ malarkey.
A book of death? A NOTEBOOK of death, you mean! Warily, she opened up the cover to reveal a rules page. What she saw shocked her to no end.
1. The human whose name is written in this note shall die.
2. This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing his/her name. Therefore, people sharing the same name will not be affected.
3. If the cause of death is written within the next 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen.
4. If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack.
5. After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds. [4] [4]
Instantly, she knew what she held in her hands. This is how Kira kills! This is my ticket to becoming a goddess. My ticket to creating a just world. I mustn't let anyone see me carrying this around.
Did you see that? I hadn’t actually read ahead, but yes, the Dead Herring came true! And yet… from seeing a notebook claiming to kill, and with no evidence whatsoever that it does, she already knows that this is Kira’s weapon for certain??? That’s too much of a stretch there, even for an alleged genius. I mean, anyone with brains could also consider the existence of mental abilities - which haven’t been completely ruled out by Science just yet, by the way… just saying.
What’s even more amazing is that, from an introductory rain metaphor, we’re meant to assume it is perfectly reasonable for this girl to want what Light has wanted through what we assume are years in a policing family, where crime has had a direct role in their lives, with a father that Light would have no doubt wanted to emulate. With Light, we can happily take on board that he’s had the right kind of upbringing to want to be Kira, to think of this idea independently, and yet we’re meant to accept this within one chapter and a RAIN metaphor?!
I call bullshit on that.
Also, a new count! This one will count every instance in which a Dead Herring (counted via the Slapsgiving count) comes true. I call it (rather crudely), my And the Indians Got the Clap count.
Current count: And the Indians Got the Clap - 1
Checking to make sure no one or any cameras had seen her pick up the notebook, she then slipped it into the inside of her jacket and sprinted off toward her apartment building.
Yes, every CCTV camera caught you. Yes, those people are looking at you funny for picking a discarded and assumedly dirty notebook off the floor. No, of COURSE slipping it into your jacket doesn’t look suspicious! Listen, it’s a bit of a stretch to think that a discarded notebook will be found to be a weapon of mass murder, even by this canon’s standards, so if you want to not look suspicious, hold it in your hand like it’s any old notebook and walk away with it. If you hide it, you look suspicious, and now everyone’s going to want to know why you’re carrying it around.
Everyone is looking at you. You’re paranoid, but a failure at exercising proper caution. If you want my advice, hide in plain sight.
Not that you’ll ever take my advice on board.
(To be continued)
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