Fic: Golgotha, Gen. NC-17, Evan Lorne 5b
Part 5b
He's exhausted and his head hurts, his hip and back are aching from being on his feet longer than he's accustomed to over the last week. He sinks down on the couch with an audible sigh and tips his head back against the cushions. He can hear John and Cam's voices upstairs and Alex's tired whine -- he's a good kid, but like all kids, when he's wound up, he's not easy to deal with.
Evan can identify. He feels a little overwrought himself. Finally there's silence from upstairs and Cam comes into the living room and flops down in his easy chair with a sigh. "Man, I am fried." Lorne makes a noncommittal sigh. "You, too?"
"Yeah."
"Big afternoon for you."
"He was a kid and I used more force than I should have."
"I think the victim would disagree with you. To her, you're a hero."
"Some hero," he says disparaging his actions. "You know what scares me?"
"What?"
"That I acted like I did without thinking ... without considering consequences. I took that kid down hard. I scared him shitless."
"And?"
"Doesn't that seem a little ... I don't know ... bent to you?"
Cam just raises a brow. "You don't think he deserved it?"
"He was a kid, not a Wraith."
"If you'd had a P-90 in your hands, would you have killed him?"
"What?"
"Discreet use of force needed to neutralize a threat. Sound familiar?"
"You're too logical." Evan still isn't comfortable with what he had done that afternoon, even though Cam has made him feel less like a loose cannon. He levers himself upright using his cane. "I'm going to clean up before dinner. I've forgotten what it's like being in a crowd."
"You're okay?"
"Tired, aching. A little freaked out."
"So, pretty much like a normal day?"
Evan laughs. "Yeah, I guess so."
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
By the time Alex is down for a nap, John feels like he needs one, too. He goes down to the kitchen, gets a bottle of water and settles at the kitchen table. He still has the latest assignment to grade, but right now, he can't deal with x or any other formulas that don't add up to sleep.
Cam comes into the kitchen and joins him at the table. "Worn out?"
"Next time, I'll make Vala take Alex shopping. She's got the energy to keep up with him. I'm getting old," he groans.
They exchange rueful grins, mock toast with their plastic bottles. John finishes his water and gets another one. He feels dried out and itchy. "Where's Evan?"
"Went to clean up, though I have a feeling he crashed like Alex."
"He had an interesting day."
"He thinks he overreacted."
"Lorne doesn't overreact. He's the most centered individual I've ever met."
Neither of them notice that Lorne is leaning wearily on the doorjamb. "What if I've lost that center?" he asks, and they both look up with identical expressions of guilt at being caught talking about him.
John looks at Lorne and sees more than he ought to; the exhaustion, the doubt, the pain. He isn't sure if he has the words to make it better. "You haven't. I saw that today. I saw a man -- a soldier -- take control of a situation, assess it, make a measured response, and attain the objective. I've seen you do that a hundred times, Lorne. You don't need to doubt yourself."
He came into the kitchen and joined them at the table. John, not a touch-oriented man, and Cam, who is, exchange a glance. Lorne is still too thin, still weaker than he would ever admit. Cam sets a gentle hand on his wrist. "You'll be okay. You're still not 100 per cent. I know how that can undermine you, physically and mentally. You're pushing yourself too hard."
"If I don't push myself I'll never get back to where I was before." Lorne's frustration is obvious. He pulls away from Cam. "I'll be in the family room." He limps away, his hand brushing against the wall for balance.
"Fuck," John slumps in his chair. "That didn't do much good, did it?"
"It's what we are, it's what we do. We've been trained to push ourselves to the limits. We can't do it, otherwise."
"I'm not in that mindset any longer," John reminds him.
"Yeah, you are. You just have a different perspective."
John knows Cam is right. That part of him will never go away, it's just in abeyance while Alex is too young and vulnerable. In the face of a threat, John is aware that he will react true to form, true to his training and his nature.
"I hope it's not genetic." He tries to smile, but ends up with a wry grimace. "So, Alex is out like a light. What about dinner?"
"I think Lorne could use an outing to the Pegasus. Call Mrs. Rudolph and see if she's available for a few hours tonight. I'll talk Evan into it."
"Good luck with that."
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Evan is holding a letter in his hand when Cam comes into the family room. Cam pauses. "Bad news?"
He hands the letter over. "You tell me. It came this morning. The official slice-n-dice of the mission and the psych eval are scheduled for Monday."
"Is that what today was all about?"
Lorne has to be honest with himself, and with Cam. "I don't know. I feel like I'm being put under a microscope. I've been through debriefs before, but this one ... " He runs a hand through his hair. "I keep thinking 'what if'?"
"What if?"
"What if they decide I'm too great a risk to go back to Atlantis? What if they decide I'm not recovering fast enough?"
"You need to stop worrying at that like a hangnail. No wonder you're feeling strung out and doubtful. Let's go to the Pegasus. Hang out, have a beer or two, play darts. You need a night out."
"That's your cure?"
"It beats sitting here alone, doesn't it?"
It did, Evan decides. "Okay. You win. Maybe some distraction will help."
"Was that so hard?"
"No." He grins at Cam. "You're persistent, Mitchell."
"And charming."
"I'll leave it at that." He rises slowly. "Let's go."
Mrs. Rudolph arrives a few minutes later, and they leave for the Pegasus. It's gone by that name for years, way before Atlantis, but it has become a gathering place for SGC personnel, particularly the Atlantis expatriates. The bar is crowded that night, but when Evan walks in leaning on his cane, he is greeted by silence and then applause, which nearly makes him turn around and head out the door. Cam and John are behind him, keeping him from acting on his impulse.
He doesn't know why they're clapping. It's not like he did anything heroic. He survived -- and barely that. The people who deserve the applause are Cadman, Ronon and Stackhouse. They're the ones who saved him. He didn't have a damn thing to do with it.
He makes his way through the crowd, accepting accolades meant for others, and feeling as if he is at some sort of masquerade. When he reaches the booth, he slides into the corner closest to the wall, letting Cam's taller, heavier frame shield him from view. This is not not what he wanted this night to be.
"Beer?" Cam asks.
"One." He selects a draft from the list. "Thanks."
They order and Cam and John look around. "Nice reception," John remarks.
Evan groans and sinks a bit lower in the booth. "I never asked for this," he says. "I don't know why everybody thinks I'm a big damn hero."
John leans forward. "Here's the deal, so listen up. Not everybody could do what you did. I wasn't there, but I've talked to Cadman and Ronon about that place. I know what you've been through, and Cam and I have watched every single damn painful step you've taken to recovery. That alone takes a hell of a lot of courage. SGC doesn't tolerate slackers or layabouts on their gate teams." He pauses, grins. "Insane people -- Hell, I mean they promoted me; but not incompetents. Even Kavanaugh has some smarts even if he is an ass."
The waitress brings their beers. John raises his mug. "Recovery."
"I can drink to that." He, Cam and John clink their mugs. The beer tastes good. The company is good, and Sheppard's words mean a lot to him. He lets himself relax; and it's almost as if he's back on Earth for no reason other than a trip through the gate.
He still isn't comfortable with the attention, but Laura and Vala join them, adding another layer of emotional and physical insulation. When they leave several hours later, Lorne is tired and aching, but relaxed.
When they get back to the condo, Cam steers Lorne towards the den as John checks on a sleeping Alex. "I'm fine," he protests.
"You're exhausted and two beers are making you stupid with it. Go to sleep."
"I'm fine," he repeats, but they are in front of the door. He opens it. "'Night, Cam. Thanks for everything."
"You're welcome. Now get your ass to bed before you fall over."
Lorne gives up. "See you in the morning." He hits the pillows hard, certain that he will sleep until dawn.
That night, he sleepwalks.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
He doesn't remember it. His first moment of awareness is John's hands on his shoulders, and his insistent voice telling him to wake up, he'd only dreaming. He can't even say what he was dreaming, and when he asks John if he said anything he replies that he heard a noise, came downstairs and found Evan standing in the hallway.
The setback is devastating. Evan looks at John and sees pity in his eyes, and hates that. He jerks out of John's hold. "I'm sorry I woke you. It won't happen again."
"Sir."
"What?"
"You sounded like you wanted to say, 'sir.'"
"I woke Alex."
"Alex wakes himself up at least once a night. Don't worry. Cam's got him."
"Still ..."
John raises a brow and asks, "Do you want some tea or something?"
"Do you have any of Teyla's left?"
John finds a packet in the cupboard, heats up two mugs of water and joins him at the table. "Must have been the two beers," he says.
"That'll teach me," Lorne said. He grips the mug with both hands, feeling the warmth through his palms, and trying to hide his trembling fingers.
John doesn't say anything more about Evan's sleepwalking. Instead they talk about the wedding, about Alex, about John's teaching. The shakes finally dissipate and Evan realizes that he's exhausted. "I'll just go back to bed, now," he says. "Thanks."
"Don't dwell on it, Evan," John says. "You're all right."
Evan sighs. "I guess so." He pauses outside the den. "I've been thinking, now that I'm mobile again, I might go to California to see my new nephew and visit a friend in L.A."
"After the debrief?"
Evan takes a deep breath. "Yeah. Once I cross that bridge. Right now, it looks like the bridge in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."
John smiles gives Lorne's shoulder a pat. "He survived, hat intact. So will you."
"I guess we'll know on Monday."
He closes the door and leans against it. He feels cold inside. The thought of the official debrief and the subsequent decision that he has no control over, is a nightmare worse than the one that had driven him to sleep walk -- even though he can't remember it.
He puts on a sweatshirt and opens the window leaning out over the sill and peering at the stars. They shine down like a path away from Earth, away from his pain. He thinks about piloting a jumper through the gates, the way the stars tunnel away, the way they emerge floating on a phosphorescent swath of diamonds in a black velvet sky. Worlds of emerald and ice and sapphire. His city, floating on a silver sea like a star itself. He would do anything, anything to get back there. Even if it means facing down a military review panel that might find him unfit for duty.
The chill of the Colorado night brings him back to Earth. He rubs his arms, closes the window. His bed is a mess of twisted covers, attesting to his restless night. He straightens them, goes into the bathroom, takes some Tylenol and crawls back into bed. This time, he sleeps soundly.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Laura is sitting in the hallway outside the conference room at SGC. She is dressed in her marine blues, from her cover to her entirely regulation black pumps. She isn't used to the uniform, having been off-world more than on, for the last two years, and it feels oddly stiff and very formal compared to her utility uniform or her relaxed off-world attire. The formality only serves to emphasize her unease over the whole situation. As CO of the away team, any actions taken after Lorne was captured are her responsibility. Stackhouse got away with filing a video deposition from Atlantis. As a gene carrier, he's too valuable to spare away from the city. She is concerned, however, for Evan. He is coming from his psych evaluation and she wonders if he made it through intact. Then to have to face this ...
His actions prior to his capture were completely regulation. But he will have to hear her own report on his rescue and return to Atlantis. He was unconscious, so he can't have any memory of how brutally he had been tortured. She wonders if the panel will ask for details, and that sickens her.
The door opens and she is called in. Across the table from her, General Landry, Agent Malcolm Barrett, and Dr. Coolidge make up the review panel. She approaches General Landry. "Reporting as requested, sir."
"As you were, Captain." Laura relaxes her spine slightly and nods to the other members.
"Please have a seat, Captain." Landry's attitude is both paternal and military. At least he isn't overbearing and hostile. Dr. Coolidge is both. Barrett is silent, looking down at the written report on the table. Two out of three. She'd take those odds in a fair fight.
The door opens and Walter steps inside. "Excuse me, sir. Colonel Lorne is here. He would like to attend Captain Cadman's debrief, if possible."
Landry looks from Laura to the other members of the panel. "Objections, gentlemen?"
"Given that Colonel Lorne is the only person who is able to recount his experiences before and during his captivity, I have no objections."
Barrett nods. "I agree."
Of course, they don't ask her. Walter holds the door open and Lorne, wisely using the cane, comes into the room. He's wearing his Class A uniform and his hair is back to a military cut, which emphasizes his bone structure. His collar is loose despite the tie. He acknowledges General Landry. "Thank you, sir."
"At ease, Colonel Lorne. Please, have a seat. You've been to enough of these that you know the procedure I take it."
"Yes, sir."
"We will hear your account of the action while you were CO of the away team, first, Colonel."
Laura watches Lorne from the corner of her eye, while trying to keep her focus on the wall behind the table like a good little marine. She doesn't move a muscle as Lorne begins speaking in a quiet, but level voice.
"We had been in contact with the Indiri, a friendly indigenous population who needed trading partners. So many of their traditional trading partners had been culled that they were virtually isolated. As they were an agrarian society, Atlantis was prepared to trade some technology to aid them in return for their crops. What we didn't know at the time was that the stargate was being monitored by the Varashi -- a warrior culture responsible for many massacres of the Indiri over the last centuries. The Indiri believed the Varashi were responsible for the Wraith culling of their system."
"Still you went into these negotiations blindly?" That was from Coolidge.
"We went into these negotiations in good faith and on intel that the Indiri were not hostile. The Ancient database did not contain information on the Varashi -- either inadvertently or perhaps because the Varashi were a rebel population from another civilization developed after the Ancients left the Pegasus galaxy."
"Continue, Colonel."
"We arrived at the gate where a delegation greeted us. We had no reason to suspect they were not Indiri. They greeted us cordially, but when I suggested that we go to the village to see what kind of assistance would be needed, they activated the gate and a Varashi raiding party came through. They used some kind of wide-range stunner and ... well, sir. That's all I remember until I came to, alone, in their stronghold."
He pauses and Landry pours a glass of water and pushes it across the table towards him. "We can take a break, Colonel."
"I'm fine, sir."
"Then continue from that point."
He does, in a measured voice, devoid of expression, so different from his usual wry tone. Laura wonders if he wrote it first, them memorized it, but she doubts it. He is telling the story as if it had happened to somebody else. Maybe that detachment is what makes it possible for him to report the events without prejudice or anger. She can't help watching Landry, Coolidge and Barrett as they listen. They don't know Evan as well as she does. She can see the toll this is taking on him. She is hearing things she didn't know, and every word is wrenching. When he finishes, at last, she can feel the tears gathering on her eyelashes. General Landry looks shaken and furious, Mr. Coolidge is looking nauseated. Agent Barret's mouth has thinned to a hard line even as he keeps on writing. She wishes they would let his words stand, but of course, they have questions, and she can't protect him from those.
"Could you have activated the chair, Colonel?" Mr. Coolidge asks.
"I could have activated the controls, but the ZPM that powered it must have been virtually depleted."
"You would have fired it?" Coolidge asks, horrified.
"There was a Wraith ship on the way. Honestly, I would have preferred to have been a prisoner of the Wraith rather than the Varashi. As I said, the ZPM was close to depletion. I couldn't have fired a pistol at that point." He takes a breath. "I nearly programmed it to hit the fortress."
"You would have killed yourself?" Coolidge is clearly appalled.
Lorne looks at him. "I would have done what I felt was right to protect Atlantis and it's allies. That is my duty."
Coolidge has the grace to look chastened. Landry meets Lorne's eyes, and Laura sees pride and admiration in them. "I'd say you've more than earned those wings, Colonel. Thank you for your heroism and sacrifices. You can leave now, if you wish."
"Sir, I'd like to stay for Captain Cadman's report, if I may."
Laura turns to him for the first time. "Sir, I --"
"I have a right to know what I don't remember," Evan tells her. He is pale, but rock steady.
"Captain Cadman, are you prepared to give us your report?"
"Yes, sir."
She takes a breath and a swallow of water before she composes herself and begins speaking. She tells them about the rescue mission, how Ronon finally found T'Kai Molas who gave them the gate address to the Varashi fortress. "We, Ronon Dex, Sergeant Stackhouse and I, approached what appeared to be a fort. As we did, Ronon Dex, discovered that the soil we were walking on contained human remains. Bones. The land surrounding the fortress were a killing ground. When we reached the walls, they seemed to have been made of some sort of highly polished, round stones. They weren't. The walls were built of skulls ... there must have been hundreds of thousands of them. I recalled something that T'Kai Molas had told us ... that the Varashi didn't take hostages, and that Varashi means Skull Takers."
"What kind of resistance did you meet?"
Cadman looks at Barrett. "None. Everybody was dead. The Varashi killed their prisoners."
"They didn't kill Colonel Lorne," Coolidge's implication that Lorne was spared because he had somehow helped the Varashi is absurd, sickening. Laura knows that Evan is watching her, ready to come to her defense. Instead, she comes to his; her spine suddenly marine straight.
"He was beaten nearly to death. You weren't there. You didn't see the blood spattered on the walls, or the bones sticking through Colonel Lorne's skin. You weren't there ... you didn't see everything that I saw, that Sergeant Stackhouse and Ronon Dex saw. With all due respect, Mr. Coolidge, you weren't there.
She feels the tears scalding her cheeks, but she doesn't care. She is incapable of the same detachment Lorne brought to his report. "We were able to bring Colonel Lorne safely back to Atlantis, but he still nearly died of his injuries. He is here today because of the excellent care he received from Dr. Keller and Dr. Lam. Yes, I destroyed a weapons chair to keep the technology away from the Wraith and any Varashi who might return and try again to activate the chair. It was my decision and I will stand by it."
"Captain, your courage and judgment are not in any doubt," Landry's fatherly voice is soothing and she allows her spine to relax a bit. She looks at Evan. "I'm sorry, Colonel. I wish that had never happened to you."
Landry looks at the other members of the debriefing panel. "Gentlemen, I've heard what I need to hear. In the military, we learn to choose our objectives, act according to our training and instincts, and to never leave a man behind. Colonel Lorne and Captain Cadman have, in my opinion, performed to the highest standards of Stargate Command and the United States military expedition, whose duty and charge is to protect at all costs, the interests and the personnel of the Atlantis mission. I find no fault with their actions."
Barrett puts his pen down. "I agree, General. I'm satisfied that the Atlantis mission was not compromised by Colonel Lorne and that Captain Cadman acted appropriately in destroying the chair in the Varashi fortress to keep it from falling into enemy hands. My report to the director of the NID will be completely favorable."
Landry glares at Coolidge, daring him to say anything derogatory. Coolidge isn't a complete fool. "I concur. Colonel, I'm sorry for your injuries and treatment at the hands of the Varashi. Your courage is daunting. Captain Cadman, while I may not agree with your decision to destroy an extremely valuable asset, I do agree with your reasoning to keep it out of enemy hands. The IOA will receive a full and supportive report from me."
Landry looks at Cadman and Lorne. "Thank you for your exemplary service. This debriefing is concluded with no further action needed from either of you." Landry rises and orders the papers in front of him. "Colonel, you look wrung out. Get some rest, son." He smiles at Cadman. "Well done, Captain."
"Thank you, sir." She stands at attention as the review panel leaves the room, then she sits down again, her knees shaking. She looks at Evan. "Well, that's over."
"Relieved?"
"I've been dreading this." She looks at him. "Are you all right?"
"Sure. I've just spilled my guts in front of a general, a representative of the IOA, and a spy. I'm great." He leans forward, his elbows on his knees. "And I've just heard my best friend tell those people, and me, in somewhat graphic detail, things I wish I didn't have to revisit."
"Evan, I warned you."
"I needed to hear it. I needed to know that it was as bad as I recalled, that I wasn't a coward or a traitor."
"Oh ... Evan. You could never be either of those." She wants to touch him, to hug him, but the formality of their uniforms and the awareness of where they are, and for what reason, keeps her from breaching military protocol. Instead she asks, "Would you like to get some coffee someplace away from here?"
He takes a breath, straightens."If it weren't ten o'clock in the morning, I'd like to get a stiff drink."
"Probably not the best idea," she whispers, smiling. "But I'm free later today."
"I'll pass on the coffee. I want to get out of these Class A's. They have to be shipped back to Atlantis."
"When are you going back?"
"Not for a month or so. There is a little matter of a wedding, the medical re-cert, and some extended personal leave I haven't taken. I thought I'd go visit my sister. Catch some rays on the coast ... just ... get away for a while."
"That sounds like a good idea."
"What about you?"
"Back to the Alpha site for a week to finish up some of the defense plans, and then back to earth for the wedding." She stands up, smooths her skirt. "I am so ready to leave this behind us."
Evan grimaces as he rises and catches the concern in her eyes. "I'm fine. Just stiff from sitting for too long."
"You can't blame me for worrying."
"No." He smiles at her, not as carefree as he has been in the past, with a hint of sadness and lingering pain in his eyes. "Thank you, Laura. You saved my life."
"Yes, I did. But I didn't do it alone."
"I know. After hearing what you went through for me -- I won't forget that."
"You would have done the same for us." She inclines her head, acknowledging him as she had acknowledged General Landry. "It is an honor, sir." She starts out the door.
Evan is speechless for a moment before he finds his voice. "Happy hour at the Pegasus?"
"Yes, sir." She winks at him over her shoulder as she leaves.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
When he gets back to the house, Cam is on the front porch, watching Alex playing with his helicopter. Alex looks up and sees him in his blues. He runs up to Evan, stopping just short of giving him a hug around his knees. He knows that the dress blues pretty much mean hands-off. He squints up at Evan's medals.
Evan bends down and Alex looks at the rows of ribbons. "Touch?"
"Sure."
Alex's small finger traces across the rows. "You have lots."
"I keep my room clean, eat my vegetables and brush my teeth," Lorne says solemnly.
Alex giggles, runs his fingers across the ribbons. "I want ribbons, too."
Lorne picks Alex up, not even thinking that just two weeks ago that would have been impossible. "Talk to your dad. He has more than I do." Alex squirms and Evan winces a bit as he sets him down.
Cam's brow is raised. Evan shakes his head. "It's okay."
"Alex, let's go get some milk and banana. Uncle Evan looks like he could use something to eat."
"Milk sounds good, doesn't it, Alex?"
Alex nods and takes Evan's hand, tugging him into the kitchen. Alex sits down, and starts on his banana. He looks so happy with such a simple thing. Evan notices Cam's expression and imagines his is about the same; wistful lost innocence. "You know what? Before I eat, I'd better get out of these duds. Milk and bananas don't mix with dress blues. I'll be back in a minute, Alex. Don't eat my banana," he warns, and Alex gives him a milk-mustache smile.
He's gotten as far as hanging his jacket up and taking off his tie, when Cam looks in. "How'd it go?" he asks.
"It went. Laura ... she was great. She had Coolidge and Barrett shaking in their highly polished shoes. Landry was like a proud papa."
"That's not what I meant."
Evan sighs and sits on the bed to toe off his shoes. "I know. I'm glad it's over."
"I've been through a few of those debriefs. It's never easy."
"Thanks, Cam."
"Sure."
"No, seriously. Thank you for everything you and John have done for me. I wouldn't be standing here if you hadn't taken me in, made me feel normal again. I never thought I would ... even with the therapy and the doctors ... it was my friends who pulled me through."
"What else are we here for if not to save each other?" Cam tilts his head, listening. "John's home."
"Tell Alex I had to go out for a little while, but I'll be back to say goodnight."
Cam looks curious, but doesn't say anything as he leaves.
Evan finishes changing into jeans and a dark blue sweater. He bags his uniform, touches the rows of medals and the freshly minted bird Colonel insignia. This is his life that he wears over his heart. He's never realized it before, but this has always been about love.
Who wouldn't endure the pains of hell for what they love? Who wouldn't die for what they love?
He closes the bag. He hears Alex's voice piping from the kitchen. He hears John come in from work, and Cam laughing. He writes a quick note and puts it on the door. Laura is waiting at the Pegasus, and his flight for California leaves in the morning.
He slips out the back door and drives to the pub.
Epilogue
He's exhausted and his head hurts, his hip and back are aching from being on his feet longer than he's accustomed to over the last week. He sinks down on the couch with an audible sigh and tips his head back against the cushions. He can hear John and Cam's voices upstairs and Alex's tired whine -- he's a good kid, but like all kids, when he's wound up, he's not easy to deal with.
Evan can identify. He feels a little overwrought himself. Finally there's silence from upstairs and Cam comes into the living room and flops down in his easy chair with a sigh. "Man, I am fried." Lorne makes a noncommittal sigh. "You, too?"
"Yeah."
"Big afternoon for you."
"He was a kid and I used more force than I should have."
"I think the victim would disagree with you. To her, you're a hero."
"Some hero," he says disparaging his actions. "You know what scares me?"
"What?"
"That I acted like I did without thinking ... without considering consequences. I took that kid down hard. I scared him shitless."
"And?"
"Doesn't that seem a little ... I don't know ... bent to you?"
Cam just raises a brow. "You don't think he deserved it?"
"He was a kid, not a Wraith."
"If you'd had a P-90 in your hands, would you have killed him?"
"What?"
"Discreet use of force needed to neutralize a threat. Sound familiar?"
"You're too logical." Evan still isn't comfortable with what he had done that afternoon, even though Cam has made him feel less like a loose cannon. He levers himself upright using his cane. "I'm going to clean up before dinner. I've forgotten what it's like being in a crowd."
"You're okay?"
"Tired, aching. A little freaked out."
"So, pretty much like a normal day?"
Evan laughs. "Yeah, I guess so."
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
By the time Alex is down for a nap, John feels like he needs one, too. He goes down to the kitchen, gets a bottle of water and settles at the kitchen table. He still has the latest assignment to grade, but right now, he can't deal with x or any other formulas that don't add up to sleep.
Cam comes into the kitchen and joins him at the table. "Worn out?"
"Next time, I'll make Vala take Alex shopping. She's got the energy to keep up with him. I'm getting old," he groans.
They exchange rueful grins, mock toast with their plastic bottles. John finishes his water and gets another one. He feels dried out and itchy. "Where's Evan?"
"Went to clean up, though I have a feeling he crashed like Alex."
"He had an interesting day."
"He thinks he overreacted."
"Lorne doesn't overreact. He's the most centered individual I've ever met."
Neither of them notice that Lorne is leaning wearily on the doorjamb. "What if I've lost that center?" he asks, and they both look up with identical expressions of guilt at being caught talking about him.
John looks at Lorne and sees more than he ought to; the exhaustion, the doubt, the pain. He isn't sure if he has the words to make it better. "You haven't. I saw that today. I saw a man -- a soldier -- take control of a situation, assess it, make a measured response, and attain the objective. I've seen you do that a hundred times, Lorne. You don't need to doubt yourself."
He came into the kitchen and joined them at the table. John, not a touch-oriented man, and Cam, who is, exchange a glance. Lorne is still too thin, still weaker than he would ever admit. Cam sets a gentle hand on his wrist. "You'll be okay. You're still not 100 per cent. I know how that can undermine you, physically and mentally. You're pushing yourself too hard."
"If I don't push myself I'll never get back to where I was before." Lorne's frustration is obvious. He pulls away from Cam. "I'll be in the family room." He limps away, his hand brushing against the wall for balance.
"Fuck," John slumps in his chair. "That didn't do much good, did it?"
"It's what we are, it's what we do. We've been trained to push ourselves to the limits. We can't do it, otherwise."
"I'm not in that mindset any longer," John reminds him.
"Yeah, you are. You just have a different perspective."
John knows Cam is right. That part of him will never go away, it's just in abeyance while Alex is too young and vulnerable. In the face of a threat, John is aware that he will react true to form, true to his training and his nature.
"I hope it's not genetic." He tries to smile, but ends up with a wry grimace. "So, Alex is out like a light. What about dinner?"
"I think Lorne could use an outing to the Pegasus. Call Mrs. Rudolph and see if she's available for a few hours tonight. I'll talk Evan into it."
"Good luck with that."
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Evan is holding a letter in his hand when Cam comes into the family room. Cam pauses. "Bad news?"
He hands the letter over. "You tell me. It came this morning. The official slice-n-dice of the mission and the psych eval are scheduled for Monday."
"Is that what today was all about?"
Lorne has to be honest with himself, and with Cam. "I don't know. I feel like I'm being put under a microscope. I've been through debriefs before, but this one ... " He runs a hand through his hair. "I keep thinking 'what if'?"
"What if?"
"What if they decide I'm too great a risk to go back to Atlantis? What if they decide I'm not recovering fast enough?"
"You need to stop worrying at that like a hangnail. No wonder you're feeling strung out and doubtful. Let's go to the Pegasus. Hang out, have a beer or two, play darts. You need a night out."
"That's your cure?"
"It beats sitting here alone, doesn't it?"
It did, Evan decides. "Okay. You win. Maybe some distraction will help."
"Was that so hard?"
"No." He grins at Cam. "You're persistent, Mitchell."
"And charming."
"I'll leave it at that." He rises slowly. "Let's go."
Mrs. Rudolph arrives a few minutes later, and they leave for the Pegasus. It's gone by that name for years, way before Atlantis, but it has become a gathering place for SGC personnel, particularly the Atlantis expatriates. The bar is crowded that night, but when Evan walks in leaning on his cane, he is greeted by silence and then applause, which nearly makes him turn around and head out the door. Cam and John are behind him, keeping him from acting on his impulse.
He doesn't know why they're clapping. It's not like he did anything heroic. He survived -- and barely that. The people who deserve the applause are Cadman, Ronon and Stackhouse. They're the ones who saved him. He didn't have a damn thing to do with it.
He makes his way through the crowd, accepting accolades meant for others, and feeling as if he is at some sort of masquerade. When he reaches the booth, he slides into the corner closest to the wall, letting Cam's taller, heavier frame shield him from view. This is not not what he wanted this night to be.
"Beer?" Cam asks.
"One." He selects a draft from the list. "Thanks."
They order and Cam and John look around. "Nice reception," John remarks.
Evan groans and sinks a bit lower in the booth. "I never asked for this," he says. "I don't know why everybody thinks I'm a big damn hero."
John leans forward. "Here's the deal, so listen up. Not everybody could do what you did. I wasn't there, but I've talked to Cadman and Ronon about that place. I know what you've been through, and Cam and I have watched every single damn painful step you've taken to recovery. That alone takes a hell of a lot of courage. SGC doesn't tolerate slackers or layabouts on their gate teams." He pauses, grins. "Insane people -- Hell, I mean they promoted me; but not incompetents. Even Kavanaugh has some smarts even if he is an ass."
The waitress brings their beers. John raises his mug. "Recovery."
"I can drink to that." He, Cam and John clink their mugs. The beer tastes good. The company is good, and Sheppard's words mean a lot to him. He lets himself relax; and it's almost as if he's back on Earth for no reason other than a trip through the gate.
He still isn't comfortable with the attention, but Laura and Vala join them, adding another layer of emotional and physical insulation. When they leave several hours later, Lorne is tired and aching, but relaxed.
When they get back to the condo, Cam steers Lorne towards the den as John checks on a sleeping Alex. "I'm fine," he protests.
"You're exhausted and two beers are making you stupid with it. Go to sleep."
"I'm fine," he repeats, but they are in front of the door. He opens it. "'Night, Cam. Thanks for everything."
"You're welcome. Now get your ass to bed before you fall over."
Lorne gives up. "See you in the morning." He hits the pillows hard, certain that he will sleep until dawn.
That night, he sleepwalks.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
He doesn't remember it. His first moment of awareness is John's hands on his shoulders, and his insistent voice telling him to wake up, he'd only dreaming. He can't even say what he was dreaming, and when he asks John if he said anything he replies that he heard a noise, came downstairs and found Evan standing in the hallway.
The setback is devastating. Evan looks at John and sees pity in his eyes, and hates that. He jerks out of John's hold. "I'm sorry I woke you. It won't happen again."
"Sir."
"What?"
"You sounded like you wanted to say, 'sir.'"
"I woke Alex."
"Alex wakes himself up at least once a night. Don't worry. Cam's got him."
"Still ..."
John raises a brow and asks, "Do you want some tea or something?"
"Do you have any of Teyla's left?"
John finds a packet in the cupboard, heats up two mugs of water and joins him at the table. "Must have been the two beers," he says.
"That'll teach me," Lorne said. He grips the mug with both hands, feeling the warmth through his palms, and trying to hide his trembling fingers.
John doesn't say anything more about Evan's sleepwalking. Instead they talk about the wedding, about Alex, about John's teaching. The shakes finally dissipate and Evan realizes that he's exhausted. "I'll just go back to bed, now," he says. "Thanks."
"Don't dwell on it, Evan," John says. "You're all right."
Evan sighs. "I guess so." He pauses outside the den. "I've been thinking, now that I'm mobile again, I might go to California to see my new nephew and visit a friend in L.A."
"After the debrief?"
Evan takes a deep breath. "Yeah. Once I cross that bridge. Right now, it looks like the bridge in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom."
John smiles gives Lorne's shoulder a pat. "He survived, hat intact. So will you."
"I guess we'll know on Monday."
He closes the door and leans against it. He feels cold inside. The thought of the official debrief and the subsequent decision that he has no control over, is a nightmare worse than the one that had driven him to sleep walk -- even though he can't remember it.
He puts on a sweatshirt and opens the window leaning out over the sill and peering at the stars. They shine down like a path away from Earth, away from his pain. He thinks about piloting a jumper through the gates, the way the stars tunnel away, the way they emerge floating on a phosphorescent swath of diamonds in a black velvet sky. Worlds of emerald and ice and sapphire. His city, floating on a silver sea like a star itself. He would do anything, anything to get back there. Even if it means facing down a military review panel that might find him unfit for duty.
The chill of the Colorado night brings him back to Earth. He rubs his arms, closes the window. His bed is a mess of twisted covers, attesting to his restless night. He straightens them, goes into the bathroom, takes some Tylenol and crawls back into bed. This time, he sleeps soundly.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
Laura is sitting in the hallway outside the conference room at SGC. She is dressed in her marine blues, from her cover to her entirely regulation black pumps. She isn't used to the uniform, having been off-world more than on, for the last two years, and it feels oddly stiff and very formal compared to her utility uniform or her relaxed off-world attire. The formality only serves to emphasize her unease over the whole situation. As CO of the away team, any actions taken after Lorne was captured are her responsibility. Stackhouse got away with filing a video deposition from Atlantis. As a gene carrier, he's too valuable to spare away from the city. She is concerned, however, for Evan. He is coming from his psych evaluation and she wonders if he made it through intact. Then to have to face this ...
His actions prior to his capture were completely regulation. But he will have to hear her own report on his rescue and return to Atlantis. He was unconscious, so he can't have any memory of how brutally he had been tortured. She wonders if the panel will ask for details, and that sickens her.
The door opens and she is called in. Across the table from her, General Landry, Agent Malcolm Barrett, and Dr. Coolidge make up the review panel. She approaches General Landry. "Reporting as requested, sir."
"As you were, Captain." Laura relaxes her spine slightly and nods to the other members.
"Please have a seat, Captain." Landry's attitude is both paternal and military. At least he isn't overbearing and hostile. Dr. Coolidge is both. Barrett is silent, looking down at the written report on the table. Two out of three. She'd take those odds in a fair fight.
The door opens and Walter steps inside. "Excuse me, sir. Colonel Lorne is here. He would like to attend Captain Cadman's debrief, if possible."
Landry looks from Laura to the other members of the panel. "Objections, gentlemen?"
"Given that Colonel Lorne is the only person who is able to recount his experiences before and during his captivity, I have no objections."
Barrett nods. "I agree."
Of course, they don't ask her. Walter holds the door open and Lorne, wisely using the cane, comes into the room. He's wearing his Class A uniform and his hair is back to a military cut, which emphasizes his bone structure. His collar is loose despite the tie. He acknowledges General Landry. "Thank you, sir."
"At ease, Colonel Lorne. Please, have a seat. You've been to enough of these that you know the procedure I take it."
"Yes, sir."
"We will hear your account of the action while you were CO of the away team, first, Colonel."
Laura watches Lorne from the corner of her eye, while trying to keep her focus on the wall behind the table like a good little marine. She doesn't move a muscle as Lorne begins speaking in a quiet, but level voice.
"We had been in contact with the Indiri, a friendly indigenous population who needed trading partners. So many of their traditional trading partners had been culled that they were virtually isolated. As they were an agrarian society, Atlantis was prepared to trade some technology to aid them in return for their crops. What we didn't know at the time was that the stargate was being monitored by the Varashi -- a warrior culture responsible for many massacres of the Indiri over the last centuries. The Indiri believed the Varashi were responsible for the Wraith culling of their system."
"Still you went into these negotiations blindly?" That was from Coolidge.
"We went into these negotiations in good faith and on intel that the Indiri were not hostile. The Ancient database did not contain information on the Varashi -- either inadvertently or perhaps because the Varashi were a rebel population from another civilization developed after the Ancients left the Pegasus galaxy."
"Continue, Colonel."
"We arrived at the gate where a delegation greeted us. We had no reason to suspect they were not Indiri. They greeted us cordially, but when I suggested that we go to the village to see what kind of assistance would be needed, they activated the gate and a Varashi raiding party came through. They used some kind of wide-range stunner and ... well, sir. That's all I remember until I came to, alone, in their stronghold."
He pauses and Landry pours a glass of water and pushes it across the table towards him. "We can take a break, Colonel."
"I'm fine, sir."
"Then continue from that point."
He does, in a measured voice, devoid of expression, so different from his usual wry tone. Laura wonders if he wrote it first, them memorized it, but she doubts it. He is telling the story as if it had happened to somebody else. Maybe that detachment is what makes it possible for him to report the events without prejudice or anger. She can't help watching Landry, Coolidge and Barrett as they listen. They don't know Evan as well as she does. She can see the toll this is taking on him. She is hearing things she didn't know, and every word is wrenching. When he finishes, at last, she can feel the tears gathering on her eyelashes. General Landry looks shaken and furious, Mr. Coolidge is looking nauseated. Agent Barret's mouth has thinned to a hard line even as he keeps on writing. She wishes they would let his words stand, but of course, they have questions, and she can't protect him from those.
"Could you have activated the chair, Colonel?" Mr. Coolidge asks.
"I could have activated the controls, but the ZPM that powered it must have been virtually depleted."
"You would have fired it?" Coolidge asks, horrified.
"There was a Wraith ship on the way. Honestly, I would have preferred to have been a prisoner of the Wraith rather than the Varashi. As I said, the ZPM was close to depletion. I couldn't have fired a pistol at that point." He takes a breath. "I nearly programmed it to hit the fortress."
"You would have killed yourself?" Coolidge is clearly appalled.
Lorne looks at him. "I would have done what I felt was right to protect Atlantis and it's allies. That is my duty."
Coolidge has the grace to look chastened. Landry meets Lorne's eyes, and Laura sees pride and admiration in them. "I'd say you've more than earned those wings, Colonel. Thank you for your heroism and sacrifices. You can leave now, if you wish."
"Sir, I'd like to stay for Captain Cadman's report, if I may."
Laura turns to him for the first time. "Sir, I --"
"I have a right to know what I don't remember," Evan tells her. He is pale, but rock steady.
"Captain Cadman, are you prepared to give us your report?"
"Yes, sir."
She takes a breath and a swallow of water before she composes herself and begins speaking. She tells them about the rescue mission, how Ronon finally found T'Kai Molas who gave them the gate address to the Varashi fortress. "We, Ronon Dex, Sergeant Stackhouse and I, approached what appeared to be a fort. As we did, Ronon Dex, discovered that the soil we were walking on contained human remains. Bones. The land surrounding the fortress were a killing ground. When we reached the walls, they seemed to have been made of some sort of highly polished, round stones. They weren't. The walls were built of skulls ... there must have been hundreds of thousands of them. I recalled something that T'Kai Molas had told us ... that the Varashi didn't take hostages, and that Varashi means Skull Takers."
"What kind of resistance did you meet?"
Cadman looks at Barrett. "None. Everybody was dead. The Varashi killed their prisoners."
"They didn't kill Colonel Lorne," Coolidge's implication that Lorne was spared because he had somehow helped the Varashi is absurd, sickening. Laura knows that Evan is watching her, ready to come to her defense. Instead, she comes to his; her spine suddenly marine straight.
"He was beaten nearly to death. You weren't there. You didn't see the blood spattered on the walls, or the bones sticking through Colonel Lorne's skin. You weren't there ... you didn't see everything that I saw, that Sergeant Stackhouse and Ronon Dex saw. With all due respect, Mr. Coolidge, you weren't there.
She feels the tears scalding her cheeks, but she doesn't care. She is incapable of the same detachment Lorne brought to his report. "We were able to bring Colonel Lorne safely back to Atlantis, but he still nearly died of his injuries. He is here today because of the excellent care he received from Dr. Keller and Dr. Lam. Yes, I destroyed a weapons chair to keep the technology away from the Wraith and any Varashi who might return and try again to activate the chair. It was my decision and I will stand by it."
"Captain, your courage and judgment are not in any doubt," Landry's fatherly voice is soothing and she allows her spine to relax a bit. She looks at Evan. "I'm sorry, Colonel. I wish that had never happened to you."
Landry looks at the other members of the debriefing panel. "Gentlemen, I've heard what I need to hear. In the military, we learn to choose our objectives, act according to our training and instincts, and to never leave a man behind. Colonel Lorne and Captain Cadman have, in my opinion, performed to the highest standards of Stargate Command and the United States military expedition, whose duty and charge is to protect at all costs, the interests and the personnel of the Atlantis mission. I find no fault with their actions."
Barrett puts his pen down. "I agree, General. I'm satisfied that the Atlantis mission was not compromised by Colonel Lorne and that Captain Cadman acted appropriately in destroying the chair in the Varashi fortress to keep it from falling into enemy hands. My report to the director of the NID will be completely favorable."
Landry glares at Coolidge, daring him to say anything derogatory. Coolidge isn't a complete fool. "I concur. Colonel, I'm sorry for your injuries and treatment at the hands of the Varashi. Your courage is daunting. Captain Cadman, while I may not agree with your decision to destroy an extremely valuable asset, I do agree with your reasoning to keep it out of enemy hands. The IOA will receive a full and supportive report from me."
Landry looks at Cadman and Lorne. "Thank you for your exemplary service. This debriefing is concluded with no further action needed from either of you." Landry rises and orders the papers in front of him. "Colonel, you look wrung out. Get some rest, son." He smiles at Cadman. "Well done, Captain."
"Thank you, sir." She stands at attention as the review panel leaves the room, then she sits down again, her knees shaking. She looks at Evan. "Well, that's over."
"Relieved?"
"I've been dreading this." She looks at him. "Are you all right?"
"Sure. I've just spilled my guts in front of a general, a representative of the IOA, and a spy. I'm great." He leans forward, his elbows on his knees. "And I've just heard my best friend tell those people, and me, in somewhat graphic detail, things I wish I didn't have to revisit."
"Evan, I warned you."
"I needed to hear it. I needed to know that it was as bad as I recalled, that I wasn't a coward or a traitor."
"Oh ... Evan. You could never be either of those." She wants to touch him, to hug him, but the formality of their uniforms and the awareness of where they are, and for what reason, keeps her from breaching military protocol. Instead she asks, "Would you like to get some coffee someplace away from here?"
He takes a breath, straightens."If it weren't ten o'clock in the morning, I'd like to get a stiff drink."
"Probably not the best idea," she whispers, smiling. "But I'm free later today."
"I'll pass on the coffee. I want to get out of these Class A's. They have to be shipped back to Atlantis."
"When are you going back?"
"Not for a month or so. There is a little matter of a wedding, the medical re-cert, and some extended personal leave I haven't taken. I thought I'd go visit my sister. Catch some rays on the coast ... just ... get away for a while."
"That sounds like a good idea."
"What about you?"
"Back to the Alpha site for a week to finish up some of the defense plans, and then back to earth for the wedding." She stands up, smooths her skirt. "I am so ready to leave this behind us."
Evan grimaces as he rises and catches the concern in her eyes. "I'm fine. Just stiff from sitting for too long."
"You can't blame me for worrying."
"No." He smiles at her, not as carefree as he has been in the past, with a hint of sadness and lingering pain in his eyes. "Thank you, Laura. You saved my life."
"Yes, I did. But I didn't do it alone."
"I know. After hearing what you went through for me -- I won't forget that."
"You would have done the same for us." She inclines her head, acknowledging him as she had acknowledged General Landry. "It is an honor, sir." She starts out the door.
Evan is speechless for a moment before he finds his voice. "Happy hour at the Pegasus?"
"Yes, sir." She winks at him over her shoulder as she leaves.
^*^*^*^*^*^*^
When he gets back to the house, Cam is on the front porch, watching Alex playing with his helicopter. Alex looks up and sees him in his blues. He runs up to Evan, stopping just short of giving him a hug around his knees. He knows that the dress blues pretty much mean hands-off. He squints up at Evan's medals.
Evan bends down and Alex looks at the rows of ribbons. "Touch?"
"Sure."
Alex's small finger traces across the rows. "You have lots."
"I keep my room clean, eat my vegetables and brush my teeth," Lorne says solemnly.
Alex giggles, runs his fingers across the ribbons. "I want ribbons, too."
Lorne picks Alex up, not even thinking that just two weeks ago that would have been impossible. "Talk to your dad. He has more than I do." Alex squirms and Evan winces a bit as he sets him down.
Cam's brow is raised. Evan shakes his head. "It's okay."
"Alex, let's go get some milk and banana. Uncle Evan looks like he could use something to eat."
"Milk sounds good, doesn't it, Alex?"
Alex nods and takes Evan's hand, tugging him into the kitchen. Alex sits down, and starts on his banana. He looks so happy with such a simple thing. Evan notices Cam's expression and imagines his is about the same; wistful lost innocence. "You know what? Before I eat, I'd better get out of these duds. Milk and bananas don't mix with dress blues. I'll be back in a minute, Alex. Don't eat my banana," he warns, and Alex gives him a milk-mustache smile.
He's gotten as far as hanging his jacket up and taking off his tie, when Cam looks in. "How'd it go?" he asks.
"It went. Laura ... she was great. She had Coolidge and Barrett shaking in their highly polished shoes. Landry was like a proud papa."
"That's not what I meant."
Evan sighs and sits on the bed to toe off his shoes. "I know. I'm glad it's over."
"I've been through a few of those debriefs. It's never easy."
"Thanks, Cam."
"Sure."
"No, seriously. Thank you for everything you and John have done for me. I wouldn't be standing here if you hadn't taken me in, made me feel normal again. I never thought I would ... even with the therapy and the doctors ... it was my friends who pulled me through."
"What else are we here for if not to save each other?" Cam tilts his head, listening. "John's home."
"Tell Alex I had to go out for a little while, but I'll be back to say goodnight."
Cam looks curious, but doesn't say anything as he leaves.
Evan finishes changing into jeans and a dark blue sweater. He bags his uniform, touches the rows of medals and the freshly minted bird Colonel insignia. This is his life that he wears over his heart. He's never realized it before, but this has always been about love.
Who wouldn't endure the pains of hell for what they love? Who wouldn't die for what they love?
He closes the bag. He hears Alex's voice piping from the kitchen. He hears John come in from work, and Cam laughing. He writes a quick note and puts it on the door. Laura is waiting at the Pegasus, and his flight for California leaves in the morning.
He slips out the back door and drives to the pub.
Epilogue