Outed and Busted (almost)
Ruth is one many identities I’ve had over my many years in many fandoms. I remember the first giddy delight going on line back in the early 90s in the days of Star Wars and X Files newsgroups and discovering that there were other adult women like me who had been interested in genre all their lives. First fandom: Barnabus Collins and Dark Shadows. In the intervening long years and many fandoms, been there, done that, got the t shirts, buttons, and badges, cons, fic (fan and original), BNF status, went to the Holy Shrine on my knees and back, looked upon the Great Oz, fandom became real life, and then, Kaboom.
Eight years later, scarred and hopefully a bit wiser, slow economy and older kids, I entered the Narnia fandom with no baggage or RL connections. A year later, here I am. Rthstewart and I are approaching our one year, 300,000 word plus anniversary in Narnia.
However, I haven’t told all the other friends from all other fandoms that I’m here. I worry more about them finding about Rthstewart that I do you all finding out more about RL me. (Though I still won't tell l_a_r_m where my old fic is). It’s embarrassing that I’ve written so much and I am so very much older than most people in this fandom. As big fat ugly lies are wont to do, the longer they go on, the harder it is to come out of the Wardrobe. I got stupid once and mentioned I’d been fan-ning again and two of them (very smart, Internet savvy women) spent time trawling and (I think) found me. They are very smug for their accomplishments, they give me a hard time about my sullen silence on the subject, and it pisses me off a bit even though I have none to blame but myself.
Fast forward to this week and a new friend-ing phase as I finally began adding those whose work I’ve been reading and admiring, but not saying anything about. I go to post at one of these new friends and lo and behold, a friend from the other fandoms, who I’ve known for over 10 years, is there. Now she and rthstewart don’t know each other at all. I don’t think she’s reading Narnia now. But my other moniker, my real life, one, well she and I know each other very, very well. We crossed over from fandom friend to real life friend years ago.
My worlds have collided. I have deep angst. One part says, “Run away! Run away! Time to go to earth like a mole in a bunker! Delete my presence and go back to PTA meetings and respectability!” The other part of me, all young beyond my years and fandom aggressive, is Who cares, WTF.