Comments | rt_challenge: Prompts 4, 6, and 9

fantasticjackie in rt_challenge

Prompts 4, 6, and 9

Jan 11, 2007 22:37

Title: Indecisive or Torn
Author: Jackie
Prompt: 4 - Tear, 6 - Tense: Second Person, 9 - Bump
Word Count: 1,715 words
Rating: PG-13 for violence and a little gore
Warnings: Well… a little gore
Summary: You know who she is; you knew all along. She’s watching you, lanky hair swaying in the wind; you don’t know how you know, but she is, and you turn ( Read more... )

patriot_jackie, prompt 9, prompt 6, prompt 4

Comments 9

eshesh January 12 2007, 06:00:12 UTC

I enjoyed reading this. Sometimes I find extended dream sequences boring, but this one had me feeling quite tense and on the edge of my seat all the way through. I think the use of second person was one of the things that heightened the tension, so it was a good use of the prompt!

In answer to your question about farther/further, there's an easy way to remember. FARther refers only to distance. (You can live farther away from someone, but not futher away.) Further refers to an amount or degree (you can progress further with an experiment, or read further in a book).

Cheers!

fantasticjackie January 12 2007, 06:17:36 UTC

Thank you! I chose a dream in the first place because of the tense; normally, people tell dreams in a cross between first and second persons, so I thought it could work well. :)

Aha. I was right! =D I just couldn't figure out why I was choosing one over the other. ;) Thanks!

I appreciate the R&R! So glad you enjoyed it. :)

jesspallas January 12 2007, 13:35:47 UTC

I've had almost conscious dreams like that quite often in the past and I found your interpretation very effective. Good work! :)

fantasticjackie January 13 2007, 04:07:16 UTC

Oh, good! Someone who knows what I'm talking about. (And doesn't think I'm crazy.)

Reading it over, I was wondering if the conscious part would actually come through; it was difficult because.. Well, you know you had a hand in those decisions; differentiating between the real "you" and the dream "you" is particularly problematic in writing, though. ;)

I've had dreams where I was actually writing the scenes, though. O_o I thought during one, (because I was living it at the same time as writing it) "Now I know this is going to be really scary when I add the (electronic) octopus arms (with lasers) to stretch around the hallway corners, but the scene needs more, and this is just a dream. Besides, you know you can re-create it better if you've lived it." O_O Scared. my. self. to. death. XD

Thanks a lot for your feedback. - Especially since you've experienced them before. ;)

devonwood January 12 2007, 22:03:07 UTC

Very interesting perspective. I have those dreams sometimes where you "wake up" from the dream, only to experience what you think is real, when suddenly you wake up again. Those are weird. ;_;

Lovely uses of the prompts, and I loved all of the symbolism. :)

fantasticjackie January 13 2007, 04:16:12 UTC

Oh, don't you just hate that? >.> I once had one where I woke up twice in the dream(s??). Had to throw myself out of bed to be sure I was actually awake. ;)

Thanks so much! :) This is the first time I've purposely put real symbolism into a story with an intent! (Done it for poetry.) I'm so happy to know it worked!

shimotsuki January 13 2007, 00:09:03 UTC

I think I'm glad you warned us about possible confusion, but because I knew to expect something unusual I thought it worked well. The "rewind" effect, where Remus knew something wasn't right so he tried it again, was very effective -- I realized right away that we were either dealing with a dream or a hallucination.

This was really well done. The disturbing dream sequence shows a lot about what Remus is dealing with internally, and then the last part of the scene add to this the bleakness of his external situation. Brr.

fantasticjackie January 13 2007, 04:30:18 UTC

I think I'm glad, too. I am still curious to know what the reaction would be without the warning, but I thought I'd irritate a lot of readers if I didn't include it. ;) Especially the first time he "rewinds..."

Thank you very much! I'm so glad the multiple meanings of the feral battlefield came through as well as the physical aspects that are compounding to his indecision. :)

Thanks for stopping by and saying so!

jncar January 14 2007, 23:09:29 UTC

I really like the way you used the second person pov to create such a great sense of disjointedness and confusion. For a crazy dream like that, it worked perfectly.

And all of the themes and symbolism in the dream did a lot to create a picture of what he much really be experiencing and feeling. This was a very interesting read.

Good job trying something new. =)