Fic: So you quote love unquote me - PART B
PLEASE READ PART A FIRST
Title: So you quote love unquote me
Author: mithborien
Format & Word Count: Fic + 14882 words
Rating: PG-16
Prompt: 4. War is a series of catastrophes that result in a victory. - Georges Clemenceau
Warning: Er, long? Hence was split into two posts.
Summary: The fact that he was here, holding her hand convinced her more than any words he could utter.
Author's Note: This fic was actually started in the last round of prompts for the song “I don’t believe you” by The Magnetic Fields. However, I ran out of time to post it then and only just managed to finish it in time for this round. As you might guess, the word count has a lot to do with that. Concrit and the pointing out of typos is welcome.
* * *
Grimmauld Place was quiet when Remus entered. It was close to midnight and he supposed anyone who was here was all ready asleep. He was grateful for that at least. The full moon had been three nights ago and his bones were still aching. All he wanted was a warm bath and a soft bed to forget the pain of going through the transformation. He didn’t want to think about what the pack did while on the hunt and he certainly didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. He thankfully wasn’t due for a report and the last person who he had talked to about something other than Order business had been Tonks and that hadn’t exactly gone well.
He can still remember the expression on her face when he told her that whatever was going on between them could not continue. The happiness of seeing him slowly turning into an indifferent stare that had made him blurt out all sorts of stupid excuses that makes him cringe when he thinks about it.
But he didn’t regret what he did. Not even when the remembered warmth of her hugs made him clench his fist and sigh. Three days ago, Danielle’s body had been brought back to camp with the back of her head bashed in. She and a few other werewolves had broken into a store to get some food and supplies and the owner hadn’t been too happy about it. When Remus saw her body, spreadeagled awkwardly on the ground, hair mattered with blood, face bruised, the only thing he saw was Tonks’ face staring accusingly back at him. They were in a war, and the thought that she could get hurt because of him was too much to bear.
The look that Tonks gave him now, when he walked into the sitting room and stopped dead in surprise when he saw her sitting on the couch surrounded by scrolls was just as accusing as the one he kept seeing in his nightmares but it faded from her eyes as she stared at him.
“Hello,” she said somewhat coldly.
“Er, hi,” he mumbled. “I didn’t think you’d be - that anyone would be awake at this hour.”
She looked back down to the scroll in her lap and her lips twitched. “And if you’d know I was here then you probably wouldn’t have walked through the front door.”
Remus swallowed. “No, I-”
“How are you?” she interrupted sharply.
“What?”
She gestured at his clothes which were covered in dirt and his face which probably wasn’t much cleaner. “How are you? Everything going okay with the werewolves?”
“Oh, right. Fine as can be expected, I guess,” he replied then added hurriedly, “I’m going to get some tea. Would you like any?”
She shook her head and remained staring down at the scrolls, tapping a quill against her knee. Remus stood there awkwardly for a moment, feeling as if he had contracted her own clumsiness before shrugging off his coat, laying it on the back of a chair and making his way into the kitchen.
Being annoyed and indifferent to him was what he had expected but it was such a change from her normally cheerful demeanour that he felt guilty somehow. Even though he knew that he had done the right thing, she would only get hurt if they pursued the relationship between them. Her hair was still that shade of brown that she hated, he noticed. He hoped that was just due to the pressure of her work.
It didn’t take long to boil himself a cup of tea but when he caught how dishevelled he looked in the back of a spoon he tried his best to clean himself up with a damp tea towel.
When he walked back into the sitting room, Tonks didn’t even look up as he sat down in an armchair.
“What are you doing?” he asked after taking a sip of tea.
“Working,” she said shortly.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” he asked. She did, after all, look as if she needed the rest.
“I should be relaxing,” she said bitterly. “It’s my day off but I’m all ready behind with these so I don’t have the time.”
He nodded towards the scrolls. “What are they?”
Her back tensed sharply but she still didn’t look up. “Dementor reports from the people of Hogsmeade.”
“Have Dementors been sighted there?” he asked worriedly.
She sighed. “Not yet, not by us and certainly not by any credible witness but the public are scared and every shadow is something bad.”
“Then why are you going through them if they’re not credible?”
She sighed again and this time she looked up and glared at him. “Because we don’t know that for sure. Because there could be a real sighting buried amongst these scrolls and we can’t afford to dismiss it. Except there is no way to tell so we have to go through every report and decide whether to follow it up or not.”
“How do you know whether to follow up or not?”
“I don’t. I can only guess so for all I know I could be going over all the fakes and throwing away the real reports.” She threw her quill down and Remus thought he saw moisture in the corners of her eyes. “So for all I know, the reports that I am ignoring could be killing innocent people as we speak. Anymore questions, Remus?”
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said quietly.
“No, I don’t imagine that you did but you have a pretty poor track record for it.”
He remained silent at that. While Tonks had said nothing when he broke it off between them he wasn’t stupid enough not to see the hurt and confusion inside her. He also knew that as someone who wasn’t afraid to stand up to Moody, it was only a matter of time before she snapped and beat the crap out of him.
But maybe the war was mellowing her out because she had just finished pulling on her Auror robes and stuffing the scrolls back into her bag when Remus realised that she meant to leave.
“Where are you going?” he asked hurriedly.
“Don’t worry, Diggle is upstairs. I only dropped by for a change of scenery to work on these but I can do that back in my flat. You obviously don’t want me around so I’ll get out of your way.”
“I never said I didn’t want you around I just-”
“Don’t want to be around me. You made yourself clear, Remus. You don’t need to elaborate.”
Remus grabbed her arm as she swept past him. “I didn’t mean that. I just…” he trailed off. He didn’t want her to think that he didn’t like her, that was far from the truth but he didn’t know how to say that without leading her on in some way.
She just continued looked down at him, waiting for him to keep speaking. Her pale skin was tinged orange from the fire, her hair shadowing her eyes and Remus wondered just how many late nights like this she had been working. Her eyebrows raised in impatience. “What? What did you mean?”
“I just don’t want you to leave yet. You shouldn’t have to move just because of me,” he added.
It was a bad idea and he knew it but now the thought of sitting alone in the near empty house, in Sirius’ house was too unpleasant too consider and despite whatever he may have said to her, she was still far better company for him than she thought she was. And while he may have walked in here tonight wanting to be alone, perversely now that she was here he didn’t want her to leave.
Tonks sighed, let her bag slip to the ground and took a step backwards until she was leaning against the arm rest of his chair. She bit her lip as she stared at some point just above his head. He was still holding onto her arm.
“You’re an infuriating man, you know,” she told him.
He smiled. “I’ve been told that before.”
She glared at him again. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“You don’t have to be so infuriating all the time,” she answered, closing her eyes.
“It stops people from getting hurt.”
“Or just increases the chances of someone hurting you. I’m about this close from beating the crap out of you for being so god damn confusing.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Remus told her pointedly.
“You don’t have control of that,” she said simply.
He didn’t have control of anything at this point and he knew it. Not over her getting hurt and certainly not over the direction this conversation was taking. Her eyes were a light shade of brown, with flecks of grey and were half closed so he couldn’t quite read the expression in them. He could feel the heat of her body and weeks of waking up in the wilderness next to werewolves who would rip him apart if they knew why he was there was enough to make him reach up and draw her into his lap.
She didn’t resist, just fell back awkwardly as she rearranged herself so her elbow wasn’t digging into his ribs. He could remember the last time when they had been this close, when they had both been alone and maybe needing something more than the comfort of conversation. He remembered falling asleep next to her, sweat cooling on his skin and feeling completely and utterly at peace.
Whatever this was, it hadn’t even begun and all ready it was far too complicated.
She reached up and slid a hand around the back of his neck. Her palm was cool and smooth and he leant back into the touch.
“This is just going to screw things up even more,” she whispered.
He smiled. “I know.”
“You can be a right bastard sometimes,” she told him
He continued to smile. He couldn’t help himself. He mirrored her hand, sliding his own into her mussed hair and pulled her forward to kiss her. He felt her hesitate just an instant before shifting, placing her other hand on his cheek and kissing him back just as roughly.
* * *
Tonks realised it was him before he even shut the front door. She practically recognised his scent which would have irritated her had she not already been far too angry at hearing his footsteps stutter when he walked into the room.
“Don’t walk away from me, Remus!” Tonks nearly shouted, twisting in the chair so she could see him stop in surprise in the doorway to the kitchen. Bill Weasley, with who she had been having a rather pleasant conversation, placed his cup of coffee slowly on the table before getting to his feet.
“Why don’t I leave you two alone,” he said with a wary look at her.
Remus sighed. “Thanks for the support.”
Bill grinned and was about to walk out of the room before reaching back and grabbing his cup of coffee. “Thought I’d better get all hot liquids out of her reach,” he said with a wink to Remus. “There, never say I gave no support.”
“Thanks,” Remus said dryly and watched him leave the room.
When he refused to look at her she said a little more softly, “I swear, don’t even think about leaving before we finish this conversation.”
He shrugged and looked up. “Well, why not? Nothing much seems to be happening when I stay and we talk. All we seem to do is shout.”
He said it so nonchalant that she slammed her boots to the ground as she stood up just to make him jump. “We shout because you can’t be arsed to give me a proper answer.”
He hadn’t even given her a proper explanation that morning after they found themselves in each others arms once again. He just struggled into his feet mumbling something about how he had to go and how this shouldn’t have happened. He shrugged her hand off when she tried to get him to look at her and he left before she could say anything, her mind still fogged with sleep and pleasure.
She saw him clench his fist and look away from her again. She wondered whether the glare on his face matched her own. “I gave you a proper answer,” he said calmly. “This relationship cannot happen. It’s too dangerous for both of us.”
Tonks snorted and started to stalk towards him as he took a step back. “Dangerous, is it? This relationship? Well then, you’re giving it more credit than I did. From what I saw a relationship hadn’t even started yet.”
“And nor should it. It’s too dangerous. I’m dangerous,” he pleaded.
“Remus, let me make something very clear. At this moment you are in a lot more danger from me than I am from you,” she said in a very serious voice. It was the voice she used when she threatened people on the job and was gratified when she saw him hesitate.
“Stop joking around,” he finally said, leaning tiredly against the doorway.
“Then stop being a bastard! We’re friends right?” she asked suddenly and saw with satisfaction that he was taken aback once again.
“Yes,” he said suspiciously. It was true though, they were friends. Despite the generation gap, despite the death of a friend and a relative between them, they were friends. She could remember hanging around Grimmauld Place when it was still a somewhat cheery establishment and generally just being comfortable in his company. She remembered Sirius laughing and him smiling but now things were different. Sirius was dead and the world was falling apart and she didn’t want to loose anything else, least of all this attraction between them.
“Then why won’t you talk to me?” she asked simply
“Because it won’t change anything,” Remus said exasperatedly.
Talking, she realised, never seemed to change anything or it only made things worse. It was only in action when they seemed to fit together, when they seemed to be happy together. The last night they had been together, Remus had seemed desperate and she regretted not questioning him further instead of just letting his hands drag her towards him. She wasn’t going to make that mistake again.
“Once, I can get,” she said quietly and she knew he knew exactly what she was talking about. “You needed to work through whatever emotional shit you had and I was just convenient. I can understand that. I could forgive you if that were the case.”
His face grew stricken. “It wasn’t like that, I swear,” he told her.
“I know,” she said simply. “I know because despite what you may believe you’re a good man. And while even good men slip up sometimes they generally don’t make the same mistake twice. You wouldn’t have come back otherwise, you wouldn’t have stayed… that night.”
Remus shook his head. “I shouldn’t have stayed. I shouldn’t be staying right now.”
“Yes, you should.”
“You should just give this up. I am no fit… whatever the hell you’re looking for. I’m too poor, too old and too dangerous.”
“You need to get a new pick up line and I am not giving up.” She took a step forward. “I backed off once and you told me stay. I’m not leaving this time. I know I’m a wreck and I know I look horrible.”
“I don’t think you look horrible,” he said earnestly.
She shut her eyes and bit her lip. “You know, those kind of comments don’t help your case in the least.”
She heard a small chuckle. “I know.”
She sighed. “I just don’t want to lose something else before it starts.”
“I will kill you if you say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Trust me it’s not.”
She smiled sadly and opened her eyes. He was still staring at her with that self sacrificial expression but he no longer looked like he was going to bolt. She took another slow step forward and reached her arms up to lock her hands around his neck. She felt his muscles tense.
“You’re an idiot, you know,” she told him and when his mouth opened to protest she tilted her head up and kissed him. He made a muffled sound of protest but she felt his hands brush her back as he moved his arms to hug her.
“I’m an Auror, Remus,” she said simply, moving her head back only enough so she could talk. “I was in just as much danger before I met you.”
“I’m a werewolf,” he told her sadly. “You’re in so much more danger.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m not and I don’t care that you’re a werewolf.”
“You should,” he whispered.
“Well, I don’t,” she whispered back. “Do you care that I can’t change my appearance?”
He looked confused. “No, why would I?”
“You’d be surprised at the number of men who would date me for my magic rather than just for me.”
“Their idiots, then. I don’t care.”
“Then why is it so hard for you to believe that I just don’t care about the fact that you’re a werewolf?”
“It’s not,” he said, and she watched as his face seemed to crumble. “I believe that of you but that’s not the point-”
She was about to interrupt but the fireplace did it for her as McGonagall’s head popped up in a spurt of green fire. She didn’t seem to notice as they broke apart but said gravely, “I need you to get everyone else in the house and come to Hogwarts immediately.”
“What’s wrong?” Remus said as he knelt down in front of the flames.
McGonagall looked impatient. “Nothing yet but there could be trouble and Dumbledore doesn’t want to take any chances. Just grab everyone else in the house and come here immediately.” Her head disappeared in a puff of smoke and Remus pulled himself back to his feet.
“I’ll grab Bill then,” he said wearily.
She nodded and he had almost left the room before she called out, “Oh look, a threat of danger and you didn’t even cause it. Pigs will fly next.”
She half hoped he would make a response but he said nothing.
* * *
Remus was silent as he walked back through the castle, with Tonks just as quiet beside him. McGonagall had told them to go back to Grimmauld Place and wait for further instructions there. The fight was over and the Aurors or the Ministers would be here soon and Remus was smart enough to realise that a werewolf at the scene of this battle would not be appreciated.
He felt utterly drained and uncomprehending with the shock of Dumbledore’s death. It was even worse than when James and Lily and Sirius had died. A part of him was logical enough to know that in a war people died. He had prepared himself for it but Dumbledore had seemed immortal and above the physical dangers of a war. He wasn’t supposed to be the one who died.
He looked sideways at Tonks. He could see her shivering slightly, wand still clutched in her hand, face pale. She had offered to escort him back to Headquarters, not that he needed an escort but he realised she had just wanted to get out of the castle. He was still angry at her outburst in the hospital wing but he was so god damn relieved at her being all right, at everyone being all right, that he just couldn’t figure out how to raise the subject again.
Not to mention the cold disbelief of Snape’s betrayal. He had never felt the hatred that James and Sirius had harboured when they were younger but he was beginning to start to.
They entered McGonagall’s office without a word and Tonks reached for the pot of floo powder when she paused and turned back to Remus. Her eyes were red and her lip was split slightly.
“So when will be the moment to discuss things?” she asked calmly.
“What?” Remus’ mind was still blank and his ears were ringing with the sound of Dumbledore’s phoenix crying.
“In the hospital wing,” she clarified. “You said now is not the moment to discuss things. So when will it be? I’m just asking, you know, so I’ll know not to bother you until then.”
Remus stared at her in disbelief. “Dumbledore just died and all you care about-”
She held up a hand and Remus noticed that she was crying now. “Don’t you get it” she said softly. “That’s exactly my point. Dumbledore is dead! The greatest wizard of our time is dead and there was nothing we could have done about it. If he, of all people wasn’t safe then do you really think that being with you is going to put me in more danger?”
“Damn it, Tonks! Now is not the time to discuss this.”
“Then when will be the time? When McGonagall dies? Or maybe Molly? Or hell, maybe both Molly and Arthur, how about then Remus? We’re at war, there isn’t going to be a good time.” She growled at herself. “We nearly lost the fight tonight. We let them go right past us. I let Snape go right past us.” She dropped down in one of the armchairs in front of McGonagall’s desk. “I let them past and Dumbledore died and Bill is hurt and it’s the same thing all over again. First Sirius, now Dumbledore, who’s next?” She whispered the last sentence to herself before dropping her head into her hands.
Remus hesitated a moment before moving forward and placing a hand on the back of her neck. “I’m-”
“Don’t,” she snapped at him and shrugged his hand off. “Just don’t.”
“This isn’t your fault,” he tried to say but she pushed herself to her feet and whirled on him before he could continue.
“Oh, so this isn’t my fault? It wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t good enough against my Aunt and Sirius took my place? But it will somehow be your fault if I get hurt. That the fact that we might go out to dinner once in a while will somehow place me in a greater danger than before and it will all be your fault.”
“The werewolves-” Remus began but Tonks cut him off with a wave of her hand.
“The werewolves will kill me regardless of our relationship. They’ll kill me because I’m Auror. They kill me because I’m in the Order. Face it, I’m screwed either way.”
“Then why are you-”
“Because I would rather go through this all knowing that I… that I would have you there just to talk to or just lean against. Just that I would have someone.” She took a deep breath and looked at him. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m-”
“For god’s sake, Remus, I don’t care that you’re a werewolf!”
“But I do! I’m an old, poor, dangerous werewolf. You’d be throwing your life away for a broken man.”
“We’re all broken, Remus and if I wasn’t so tired, I would beat the crap out of you right now to prove it. You have no idea how good a man you are. You’re better than any guy I’ve ever dated.”
It was somewhat terrifying to realise that she did in fact, simply not care that he was a werewolf, it hadn’t even crossed her mind that she should. Even after all these years it was still hard to accept that James, Sirius and Peter hadn’t cared either, that they had even become Animagi to try help him. The things that Tonks was offering to sacrifice to be with him were overwhelming and the fact that she wasn’t giving up, that she was willing to fight for him made his heart stop and his breath die in his throat. But he wasn’t going to let her throw everything away because of him. He wasn’t worth that.
“You’re wrong and idealistic,” he said firmly. “You’d break up with me within the year.”
“You’re the one who’s wrong and don’t you dare decide my actions before I do or do not do them.”
“It’s the truth. I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted more than six months.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve never been in a relationship with me.”
He sighed. “That’s beside the point. It doesn’t change the fact that you would be put in so much danger because of me. If you died and it was my fault-”
“That won’t happen.”
“You can’t promise that. And I don’t think I could survive if something happened to you.”
“You’re stronger than that.”
“Really? Am I? Do you know what a wreck I was when Lily and James died? When Peter died? When Sirius got sent to jail? You have no idea what it’s like to loose people in that way, people who you truly love. It destroys you and I don’t think I can go through that again.”
Tonks was about to answer when she jerked her head up suddenly and stared at him. “Truly love?”
Remus felt his insides clench as he realised what he had said, what it implied and then he realised with dismay and surprise that it was the truth. He was in love with her. He started to shake his head. “I… if things were different. If we weren’t at war.”
Tonks just stared at him, opening and closing her mouth a couple of times. The expression in her eyes was a mixture of disbelief and sadness before they turned hard as she glared. “You’re an absolute bastard. You stand there and practically say you love me and then go on to say the danger is too much when we’re all ready in a war. Do you honestly believe that if I die now, you’ll feel something different that if I were to die if we were together? I can’t speak for you but it would be just as heartbreaking for me if you died now than if we were bloody married.”
He shook his head. “It’s not… you’ll probably die if it gets found out that we’re-”
He didn’t get a chance to finish as she punched him straight in the nose. He felt something crack and blinked away the sudden tears to see her standing furiously in front of him, fists clenched.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re throwing away something for all the wrong reasons and I just can’t understand why.”
Remus raised a hand gingerly to his face, feeling his nose flare in pain whenever his fingers touched it before looking at her again. He stared for a moment then burst out into choked laughter that sounded somewhat hysterical as he struggled to breathe.
Tonks was staring at him like he was crazy. “You have five seconds to tell me what’s so funny before I break something else,” she said in a deadly quiet voice.
Remus managed to calm himself down enough to stop gasping in pain and whisper, “Your hair.”
She glanced down in confusion but there was no mistaking the strands of pink that were curling away under her chin.
“Oh,” she said brokenly before reaching up and twisting her fingers through her hair. She looked up to where he was leaning against McGonagall’s desk for support and said quite clearly, “I still hate you.” She walked past him without another word and disappeared in a flare of green fire.
Remus just stayed in McGonagall’s cold office, slumped against her desk, staring into the distance and waiting for the pain in his face to recede. He smiled slightly to himself, recalling her bright pink hair and started to laugh again before he collapsed to the ground gasping as the reality of Dumbledore’s death, Snape’s betrayal and now Tonks walking out crashed over him once again.
* * *
Tonks had just finished dressing when someone knocked at her door.
“Come in,” she called. She figured it was Savage coming to accompany her to the funeral. Dawlish and Proudfoot were going to remain on duty and despite her protests, Savage had insisted on going with her. She figured he was coming to make one last attempt to convince her.
“You look nice,” a quiet voice said and she spun around to see Remus poking his head around the door. His nose was still a bit red, she noted guiltily but he was clean shaven and he looked somewhat pleased to see her.
“Oh,” she said. “I didn’t think you would… I thought you were Savage.”
Remus nodded. “He all ready left.”
“Worried about him seeing you?”
He sighed. “Not really.”
“How’s your nose?” she asked.
He smiled then shrugged. “The swelling went down after a couple of hours.” He paused then added, “How’s your magic?”
She smiled back at him and flicked her fingers against her hair as she made it change colours briefly. “Better. It’s still playing up slightly but its better. I feel better.” She sighed and broke eye contact with him. “What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been thinking… about things,” Remus said slowly as he walked into the room and sat down on her bed.
“Still think you’re putting me in danger?” she asked a little tartly.
He frowned. “Yes,” he replied emphatically but then paused. “But I remembered how James and Lily were when they were younger and worried about getting attacked. They never gave up on each other and you could tell they were each other’s strength. It didn’t save them but I guess it helped.” He fiddled with one of the threads on her bed spread and sighed. “Dumbledore… he was like a father to me at times and his death… It made me realise that I would in fact be just as upset to loose you whether I admitted to a relationship between us or not. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m just scared.”
“You think I’m not?” she told him earnestly. “I’m absolutely terrified but I’m slightly less terrified when I’m with you.”
“I still think I’m wrong for you but-”
“But that’s not your choice to make.”
He smiled. “I think I might be glad of that fact and I do in fact want to give this thing a go. I’ve missed… being with someone. Being close to someone even.” He was staring down at his feet, refusing to look up as he spoke.
She moved slowly so he knew she was coming but he didn’t move until she walked forward enough until she was standing directly in front of him.
“I’m not promising anything,” he said as he looked up.
She smiled and climbed onto his lap. “You don’t have to. You won’t regret this,” she told him.
He grinned. “I bet I will.”
She hit him on the shoulder and sniggered as he winced. “Probably,” she said confidently, “but you’ll enjoy it.”
He laughed and she leant forward to kiss him. His hands ran up her back to pull her closer so he could reach her mouth more easily but she suddenly pulled away with a jerk
“Oh god, what are we doing?” she asked as Remus gave her a fearful look. “It’s Dumbledore’s funeral and we’re laughing and-”
Remus shook his head and placed his fingers on her mouth. “Knowing him, I don’t think he’ll mind. Besides,” he pointed out. “I’m not the one with pink hair.”
She shrugged, smiling again. “Like you said it’s Dumbledore. I’ve heard stories about his dress sense.”
Remus smiled as well then his face turned serious. “The war’s going to get serious now.”
She sighed and looked into his eyes. He was right was she didn’t want to say anything. She knew as well as anyone that with Dumbledore dead, You-Know-Who wouldn’t hold back now, the Death Eaters would increase their attacks, Dementors allowed to run riot. But they would deal with those things when they happened, she told herself. Right now she simply leant forward and hugged him tightly.
“We should go,” she whispered.
He looked at her, sighed then smiled then kissed her cheek. He waited until she pulled on her cloak before getting to his feet and ensnared his fingers with hers.
“I…” he started to say but when she turned to look at him he closed his mouth.
“What?”
He shook his head and smiled, leaning forward to kiss her on the cheek. “Never mind,” he said quietly. “Let’s go.”
She smiled at him, wondering what he was going to say but she realised that she didn’t really care. The fact that he was here, holding her hand convinced her more than any words he could utter.
~
Title: So you quote love unquote me
Author: mithborien
Format & Word Count: Fic + 14882 words
Rating: PG-16
Prompt: 4. War is a series of catastrophes that result in a victory. - Georges Clemenceau
Warning: Er, long? Hence was split into two posts.
Summary: The fact that he was here, holding her hand convinced her more than any words he could utter.
Author's Note: This fic was actually started in the last round of prompts for the song “I don’t believe you” by The Magnetic Fields. However, I ran out of time to post it then and only just managed to finish it in time for this round. As you might guess, the word count has a lot to do with that. Concrit and the pointing out of typos is welcome.
* * *
Grimmauld Place was quiet when Remus entered. It was close to midnight and he supposed anyone who was here was all ready asleep. He was grateful for that at least. The full moon had been three nights ago and his bones were still aching. All he wanted was a warm bath and a soft bed to forget the pain of going through the transformation. He didn’t want to think about what the pack did while on the hunt and he certainly didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. He thankfully wasn’t due for a report and the last person who he had talked to about something other than Order business had been Tonks and that hadn’t exactly gone well.
He can still remember the expression on her face when he told her that whatever was going on between them could not continue. The happiness of seeing him slowly turning into an indifferent stare that had made him blurt out all sorts of stupid excuses that makes him cringe when he thinks about it.
But he didn’t regret what he did. Not even when the remembered warmth of her hugs made him clench his fist and sigh. Three days ago, Danielle’s body had been brought back to camp with the back of her head bashed in. She and a few other werewolves had broken into a store to get some food and supplies and the owner hadn’t been too happy about it. When Remus saw her body, spreadeagled awkwardly on the ground, hair mattered with blood, face bruised, the only thing he saw was Tonks’ face staring accusingly back at him. They were in a war, and the thought that she could get hurt because of him was too much to bear.
The look that Tonks gave him now, when he walked into the sitting room and stopped dead in surprise when he saw her sitting on the couch surrounded by scrolls was just as accusing as the one he kept seeing in his nightmares but it faded from her eyes as she stared at him.
“Hello,” she said somewhat coldly.
“Er, hi,” he mumbled. “I didn’t think you’d be - that anyone would be awake at this hour.”
She looked back down to the scroll in her lap and her lips twitched. “And if you’d know I was here then you probably wouldn’t have walked through the front door.”
Remus swallowed. “No, I-”
“How are you?” she interrupted sharply.
“What?”
She gestured at his clothes which were covered in dirt and his face which probably wasn’t much cleaner. “How are you? Everything going okay with the werewolves?”
“Oh, right. Fine as can be expected, I guess,” he replied then added hurriedly, “I’m going to get some tea. Would you like any?”
She shook her head and remained staring down at the scrolls, tapping a quill against her knee. Remus stood there awkwardly for a moment, feeling as if he had contracted her own clumsiness before shrugging off his coat, laying it on the back of a chair and making his way into the kitchen.
Being annoyed and indifferent to him was what he had expected but it was such a change from her normally cheerful demeanour that he felt guilty somehow. Even though he knew that he had done the right thing, she would only get hurt if they pursued the relationship between them. Her hair was still that shade of brown that she hated, he noticed. He hoped that was just due to the pressure of her work.
It didn’t take long to boil himself a cup of tea but when he caught how dishevelled he looked in the back of a spoon he tried his best to clean himself up with a damp tea towel.
When he walked back into the sitting room, Tonks didn’t even look up as he sat down in an armchair.
“What are you doing?” he asked after taking a sip of tea.
“Working,” she said shortly.
“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” he asked. She did, after all, look as if she needed the rest.
“I should be relaxing,” she said bitterly. “It’s my day off but I’m all ready behind with these so I don’t have the time.”
He nodded towards the scrolls. “What are they?”
Her back tensed sharply but she still didn’t look up. “Dementor reports from the people of Hogsmeade.”
“Have Dementors been sighted there?” he asked worriedly.
She sighed. “Not yet, not by us and certainly not by any credible witness but the public are scared and every shadow is something bad.”
“Then why are you going through them if they’re not credible?”
She sighed again and this time she looked up and glared at him. “Because we don’t know that for sure. Because there could be a real sighting buried amongst these scrolls and we can’t afford to dismiss it. Except there is no way to tell so we have to go through every report and decide whether to follow it up or not.”
“How do you know whether to follow up or not?”
“I don’t. I can only guess so for all I know I could be going over all the fakes and throwing away the real reports.” She threw her quill down and Remus thought he saw moisture in the corners of her eyes. “So for all I know, the reports that I am ignoring could be killing innocent people as we speak. Anymore questions, Remus?”
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said quietly.
“No, I don’t imagine that you did but you have a pretty poor track record for it.”
He remained silent at that. While Tonks had said nothing when he broke it off between them he wasn’t stupid enough not to see the hurt and confusion inside her. He also knew that as someone who wasn’t afraid to stand up to Moody, it was only a matter of time before she snapped and beat the crap out of him.
But maybe the war was mellowing her out because she had just finished pulling on her Auror robes and stuffing the scrolls back into her bag when Remus realised that she meant to leave.
“Where are you going?” he asked hurriedly.
“Don’t worry, Diggle is upstairs. I only dropped by for a change of scenery to work on these but I can do that back in my flat. You obviously don’t want me around so I’ll get out of your way.”
“I never said I didn’t want you around I just-”
“Don’t want to be around me. You made yourself clear, Remus. You don’t need to elaborate.”
Remus grabbed her arm as she swept past him. “I didn’t mean that. I just…” he trailed off. He didn’t want her to think that he didn’t like her, that was far from the truth but he didn’t know how to say that without leading her on in some way.
She just continued looked down at him, waiting for him to keep speaking. Her pale skin was tinged orange from the fire, her hair shadowing her eyes and Remus wondered just how many late nights like this she had been working. Her eyebrows raised in impatience. “What? What did you mean?”
“I just don’t want you to leave yet. You shouldn’t have to move just because of me,” he added.
It was a bad idea and he knew it but now the thought of sitting alone in the near empty house, in Sirius’ house was too unpleasant too consider and despite whatever he may have said to her, she was still far better company for him than she thought she was. And while he may have walked in here tonight wanting to be alone, perversely now that she was here he didn’t want her to leave.
Tonks sighed, let her bag slip to the ground and took a step backwards until she was leaning against the arm rest of his chair. She bit her lip as she stared at some point just above his head. He was still holding onto her arm.
“You’re an infuriating man, you know,” she told him.
He smiled. “I’ve been told that before.”
She glared at him again. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“You don’t have to be so infuriating all the time,” she answered, closing her eyes.
“It stops people from getting hurt.”
“Or just increases the chances of someone hurting you. I’m about this close from beating the crap out of you for being so god damn confusing.”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Remus told her pointedly.
“You don’t have control of that,” she said simply.
He didn’t have control of anything at this point and he knew it. Not over her getting hurt and certainly not over the direction this conversation was taking. Her eyes were a light shade of brown, with flecks of grey and were half closed so he couldn’t quite read the expression in them. He could feel the heat of her body and weeks of waking up in the wilderness next to werewolves who would rip him apart if they knew why he was there was enough to make him reach up and draw her into his lap.
She didn’t resist, just fell back awkwardly as she rearranged herself so her elbow wasn’t digging into his ribs. He could remember the last time when they had been this close, when they had both been alone and maybe needing something more than the comfort of conversation. He remembered falling asleep next to her, sweat cooling on his skin and feeling completely and utterly at peace.
Whatever this was, it hadn’t even begun and all ready it was far too complicated.
She reached up and slid a hand around the back of his neck. Her palm was cool and smooth and he leant back into the touch.
“This is just going to screw things up even more,” she whispered.
He smiled. “I know.”
“You can be a right bastard sometimes,” she told him
He continued to smile. He couldn’t help himself. He mirrored her hand, sliding his own into her mussed hair and pulled her forward to kiss her. He felt her hesitate just an instant before shifting, placing her other hand on his cheek and kissing him back just as roughly.
* * *
Tonks realised it was him before he even shut the front door. She practically recognised his scent which would have irritated her had she not already been far too angry at hearing his footsteps stutter when he walked into the room.
“Don’t walk away from me, Remus!” Tonks nearly shouted, twisting in the chair so she could see him stop in surprise in the doorway to the kitchen. Bill Weasley, with who she had been having a rather pleasant conversation, placed his cup of coffee slowly on the table before getting to his feet.
“Why don’t I leave you two alone,” he said with a wary look at her.
Remus sighed. “Thanks for the support.”
Bill grinned and was about to walk out of the room before reaching back and grabbing his cup of coffee. “Thought I’d better get all hot liquids out of her reach,” he said with a wink to Remus. “There, never say I gave no support.”
“Thanks,” Remus said dryly and watched him leave the room.
When he refused to look at her she said a little more softly, “I swear, don’t even think about leaving before we finish this conversation.”
He shrugged and looked up. “Well, why not? Nothing much seems to be happening when I stay and we talk. All we seem to do is shout.”
He said it so nonchalant that she slammed her boots to the ground as she stood up just to make him jump. “We shout because you can’t be arsed to give me a proper answer.”
He hadn’t even given her a proper explanation that morning after they found themselves in each others arms once again. He just struggled into his feet mumbling something about how he had to go and how this shouldn’t have happened. He shrugged her hand off when she tried to get him to look at her and he left before she could say anything, her mind still fogged with sleep and pleasure.
She saw him clench his fist and look away from her again. She wondered whether the glare on his face matched her own. “I gave you a proper answer,” he said calmly. “This relationship cannot happen. It’s too dangerous for both of us.”
Tonks snorted and started to stalk towards him as he took a step back. “Dangerous, is it? This relationship? Well then, you’re giving it more credit than I did. From what I saw a relationship hadn’t even started yet.”
“And nor should it. It’s too dangerous. I’m dangerous,” he pleaded.
“Remus, let me make something very clear. At this moment you are in a lot more danger from me than I am from you,” she said in a very serious voice. It was the voice she used when she threatened people on the job and was gratified when she saw him hesitate.
“Stop joking around,” he finally said, leaning tiredly against the doorway.
“Then stop being a bastard! We’re friends right?” she asked suddenly and saw with satisfaction that he was taken aback once again.
“Yes,” he said suspiciously. It was true though, they were friends. Despite the generation gap, despite the death of a friend and a relative between them, they were friends. She could remember hanging around Grimmauld Place when it was still a somewhat cheery establishment and generally just being comfortable in his company. She remembered Sirius laughing and him smiling but now things were different. Sirius was dead and the world was falling apart and she didn’t want to loose anything else, least of all this attraction between them.
“Then why won’t you talk to me?” she asked simply
“Because it won’t change anything,” Remus said exasperatedly.
Talking, she realised, never seemed to change anything or it only made things worse. It was only in action when they seemed to fit together, when they seemed to be happy together. The last night they had been together, Remus had seemed desperate and she regretted not questioning him further instead of just letting his hands drag her towards him. She wasn’t going to make that mistake again.
“Once, I can get,” she said quietly and she knew he knew exactly what she was talking about. “You needed to work through whatever emotional shit you had and I was just convenient. I can understand that. I could forgive you if that were the case.”
His face grew stricken. “It wasn’t like that, I swear,” he told her.
“I know,” she said simply. “I know because despite what you may believe you’re a good man. And while even good men slip up sometimes they generally don’t make the same mistake twice. You wouldn’t have come back otherwise, you wouldn’t have stayed… that night.”
Remus shook his head. “I shouldn’t have stayed. I shouldn’t be staying right now.”
“Yes, you should.”
“You should just give this up. I am no fit… whatever the hell you’re looking for. I’m too poor, too old and too dangerous.”
“You need to get a new pick up line and I am not giving up.” She took a step forward. “I backed off once and you told me stay. I’m not leaving this time. I know I’m a wreck and I know I look horrible.”
“I don’t think you look horrible,” he said earnestly.
She shut her eyes and bit her lip. “You know, those kind of comments don’t help your case in the least.”
She heard a small chuckle. “I know.”
She sighed. “I just don’t want to lose something else before it starts.”
“I will kill you if you say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Trust me it’s not.”
She smiled sadly and opened her eyes. He was still staring at her with that self sacrificial expression but he no longer looked like he was going to bolt. She took another slow step forward and reached her arms up to lock her hands around his neck. She felt his muscles tense.
“You’re an idiot, you know,” she told him and when his mouth opened to protest she tilted her head up and kissed him. He made a muffled sound of protest but she felt his hands brush her back as he moved his arms to hug her.
“I’m an Auror, Remus,” she said simply, moving her head back only enough so she could talk. “I was in just as much danger before I met you.”
“I’m a werewolf,” he told her sadly. “You’re in so much more danger.”
She shook her head. “No, I’m not and I don’t care that you’re a werewolf.”
“You should,” he whispered.
“Well, I don’t,” she whispered back. “Do you care that I can’t change my appearance?”
He looked confused. “No, why would I?”
“You’d be surprised at the number of men who would date me for my magic rather than just for me.”
“Their idiots, then. I don’t care.”
“Then why is it so hard for you to believe that I just don’t care about the fact that you’re a werewolf?”
“It’s not,” he said, and she watched as his face seemed to crumble. “I believe that of you but that’s not the point-”
She was about to interrupt but the fireplace did it for her as McGonagall’s head popped up in a spurt of green fire. She didn’t seem to notice as they broke apart but said gravely, “I need you to get everyone else in the house and come to Hogwarts immediately.”
“What’s wrong?” Remus said as he knelt down in front of the flames.
McGonagall looked impatient. “Nothing yet but there could be trouble and Dumbledore doesn’t want to take any chances. Just grab everyone else in the house and come here immediately.” Her head disappeared in a puff of smoke and Remus pulled himself back to his feet.
“I’ll grab Bill then,” he said wearily.
She nodded and he had almost left the room before she called out, “Oh look, a threat of danger and you didn’t even cause it. Pigs will fly next.”
She half hoped he would make a response but he said nothing.
* * *
Remus was silent as he walked back through the castle, with Tonks just as quiet beside him. McGonagall had told them to go back to Grimmauld Place and wait for further instructions there. The fight was over and the Aurors or the Ministers would be here soon and Remus was smart enough to realise that a werewolf at the scene of this battle would not be appreciated.
He felt utterly drained and uncomprehending with the shock of Dumbledore’s death. It was even worse than when James and Lily and Sirius had died. A part of him was logical enough to know that in a war people died. He had prepared himself for it but Dumbledore had seemed immortal and above the physical dangers of a war. He wasn’t supposed to be the one who died.
He looked sideways at Tonks. He could see her shivering slightly, wand still clutched in her hand, face pale. She had offered to escort him back to Headquarters, not that he needed an escort but he realised she had just wanted to get out of the castle. He was still angry at her outburst in the hospital wing but he was so god damn relieved at her being all right, at everyone being all right, that he just couldn’t figure out how to raise the subject again.
Not to mention the cold disbelief of Snape’s betrayal. He had never felt the hatred that James and Sirius had harboured when they were younger but he was beginning to start to.
They entered McGonagall’s office without a word and Tonks reached for the pot of floo powder when she paused and turned back to Remus. Her eyes were red and her lip was split slightly.
“So when will be the moment to discuss things?” she asked calmly.
“What?” Remus’ mind was still blank and his ears were ringing with the sound of Dumbledore’s phoenix crying.
“In the hospital wing,” she clarified. “You said now is not the moment to discuss things. So when will it be? I’m just asking, you know, so I’ll know not to bother you until then.”
Remus stared at her in disbelief. “Dumbledore just died and all you care about-”
She held up a hand and Remus noticed that she was crying now. “Don’t you get it” she said softly. “That’s exactly my point. Dumbledore is dead! The greatest wizard of our time is dead and there was nothing we could have done about it. If he, of all people wasn’t safe then do you really think that being with you is going to put me in more danger?”
“Damn it, Tonks! Now is not the time to discuss this.”
“Then when will be the time? When McGonagall dies? Or maybe Molly? Or hell, maybe both Molly and Arthur, how about then Remus? We’re at war, there isn’t going to be a good time.” She growled at herself. “We nearly lost the fight tonight. We let them go right past us. I let Snape go right past us.” She dropped down in one of the armchairs in front of McGonagall’s desk. “I let them past and Dumbledore died and Bill is hurt and it’s the same thing all over again. First Sirius, now Dumbledore, who’s next?” She whispered the last sentence to herself before dropping her head into her hands.
Remus hesitated a moment before moving forward and placing a hand on the back of her neck. “I’m-”
“Don’t,” she snapped at him and shrugged his hand off. “Just don’t.”
“This isn’t your fault,” he tried to say but she pushed herself to her feet and whirled on him before he could continue.
“Oh, so this isn’t my fault? It wasn’t my fault that I wasn’t good enough against my Aunt and Sirius took my place? But it will somehow be your fault if I get hurt. That the fact that we might go out to dinner once in a while will somehow place me in a greater danger than before and it will all be your fault.”
“The werewolves-” Remus began but Tonks cut him off with a wave of her hand.
“The werewolves will kill me regardless of our relationship. They’ll kill me because I’m Auror. They kill me because I’m in the Order. Face it, I’m screwed either way.”
“Then why are you-”
“Because I would rather go through this all knowing that I… that I would have you there just to talk to or just lean against. Just that I would have someone.” She took a deep breath and looked at him. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because I’m-”
“For god’s sake, Remus, I don’t care that you’re a werewolf!”
“But I do! I’m an old, poor, dangerous werewolf. You’d be throwing your life away for a broken man.”
“We’re all broken, Remus and if I wasn’t so tired, I would beat the crap out of you right now to prove it. You have no idea how good a man you are. You’re better than any guy I’ve ever dated.”
It was somewhat terrifying to realise that she did in fact, simply not care that he was a werewolf, it hadn’t even crossed her mind that she should. Even after all these years it was still hard to accept that James, Sirius and Peter hadn’t cared either, that they had even become Animagi to try help him. The things that Tonks was offering to sacrifice to be with him were overwhelming and the fact that she wasn’t giving up, that she was willing to fight for him made his heart stop and his breath die in his throat. But he wasn’t going to let her throw everything away because of him. He wasn’t worth that.
“You’re wrong and idealistic,” he said firmly. “You’d break up with me within the year.”
“You’re the one who’s wrong and don’t you dare decide my actions before I do or do not do them.”
“It’s the truth. I’ve never been in a relationship that’s lasted more than six months.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You’ve never been in a relationship with me.”
He sighed. “That’s beside the point. It doesn’t change the fact that you would be put in so much danger because of me. If you died and it was my fault-”
“That won’t happen.”
“You can’t promise that. And I don’t think I could survive if something happened to you.”
“You’re stronger than that.”
“Really? Am I? Do you know what a wreck I was when Lily and James died? When Peter died? When Sirius got sent to jail? You have no idea what it’s like to loose people in that way, people who you truly love. It destroys you and I don’t think I can go through that again.”
Tonks was about to answer when she jerked her head up suddenly and stared at him. “Truly love?”
Remus felt his insides clench as he realised what he had said, what it implied and then he realised with dismay and surprise that it was the truth. He was in love with her. He started to shake his head. “I… if things were different. If we weren’t at war.”
Tonks just stared at him, opening and closing her mouth a couple of times. The expression in her eyes was a mixture of disbelief and sadness before they turned hard as she glared. “You’re an absolute bastard. You stand there and practically say you love me and then go on to say the danger is too much when we’re all ready in a war. Do you honestly believe that if I die now, you’ll feel something different that if I were to die if we were together? I can’t speak for you but it would be just as heartbreaking for me if you died now than if we were bloody married.”
He shook his head. “It’s not… you’ll probably die if it gets found out that we’re-”
He didn’t get a chance to finish as she punched him straight in the nose. He felt something crack and blinked away the sudden tears to see her standing furiously in front of him, fists clenched.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re throwing away something for all the wrong reasons and I just can’t understand why.”
Remus raised a hand gingerly to his face, feeling his nose flare in pain whenever his fingers touched it before looking at her again. He stared for a moment then burst out into choked laughter that sounded somewhat hysterical as he struggled to breathe.
Tonks was staring at him like he was crazy. “You have five seconds to tell me what’s so funny before I break something else,” she said in a deadly quiet voice.
Remus managed to calm himself down enough to stop gasping in pain and whisper, “Your hair.”
She glanced down in confusion but there was no mistaking the strands of pink that were curling away under her chin.
“Oh,” she said brokenly before reaching up and twisting her fingers through her hair. She looked up to where he was leaning against McGonagall’s desk for support and said quite clearly, “I still hate you.” She walked past him without another word and disappeared in a flare of green fire.
Remus just stayed in McGonagall’s cold office, slumped against her desk, staring into the distance and waiting for the pain in his face to recede. He smiled slightly to himself, recalling her bright pink hair and started to laugh again before he collapsed to the ground gasping as the reality of Dumbledore’s death, Snape’s betrayal and now Tonks walking out crashed over him once again.
* * *
Tonks had just finished dressing when someone knocked at her door.
“Come in,” she called. She figured it was Savage coming to accompany her to the funeral. Dawlish and Proudfoot were going to remain on duty and despite her protests, Savage had insisted on going with her. She figured he was coming to make one last attempt to convince her.
“You look nice,” a quiet voice said and she spun around to see Remus poking his head around the door. His nose was still a bit red, she noted guiltily but he was clean shaven and he looked somewhat pleased to see her.
“Oh,” she said. “I didn’t think you would… I thought you were Savage.”
Remus nodded. “He all ready left.”
“Worried about him seeing you?”
He sighed. “Not really.”
“How’s your nose?” she asked.
He smiled then shrugged. “The swelling went down after a couple of hours.” He paused then added, “How’s your magic?”
She smiled back at him and flicked her fingers against her hair as she made it change colours briefly. “Better. It’s still playing up slightly but its better. I feel better.” She sighed and broke eye contact with him. “What are you doing here?”
“I’ve been thinking… about things,” Remus said slowly as he walked into the room and sat down on her bed.
“Still think you’re putting me in danger?” she asked a little tartly.
He frowned. “Yes,” he replied emphatically but then paused. “But I remembered how James and Lily were when they were younger and worried about getting attacked. They never gave up on each other and you could tell they were each other’s strength. It didn’t save them but I guess it helped.” He fiddled with one of the threads on her bed spread and sighed. “Dumbledore… he was like a father to me at times and his death… It made me realise that I would in fact be just as upset to loose you whether I admitted to a relationship between us or not. I’m… I’m sorry. I’m just scared.”
“You think I’m not?” she told him earnestly. “I’m absolutely terrified but I’m slightly less terrified when I’m with you.”
“I still think I’m wrong for you but-”
“But that’s not your choice to make.”
He smiled. “I think I might be glad of that fact and I do in fact want to give this thing a go. I’ve missed… being with someone. Being close to someone even.” He was staring down at his feet, refusing to look up as he spoke.
She moved slowly so he knew she was coming but he didn’t move until she walked forward enough until she was standing directly in front of him.
“I’m not promising anything,” he said as he looked up.
She smiled and climbed onto his lap. “You don’t have to. You won’t regret this,” she told him.
He grinned. “I bet I will.”
She hit him on the shoulder and sniggered as he winced. “Probably,” she said confidently, “but you’ll enjoy it.”
He laughed and she leant forward to kiss him. His hands ran up her back to pull her closer so he could reach her mouth more easily but she suddenly pulled away with a jerk
“Oh god, what are we doing?” she asked as Remus gave her a fearful look. “It’s Dumbledore’s funeral and we’re laughing and-”
Remus shook his head and placed his fingers on her mouth. “Knowing him, I don’t think he’ll mind. Besides,” he pointed out. “I’m not the one with pink hair.”
She shrugged, smiling again. “Like you said it’s Dumbledore. I’ve heard stories about his dress sense.”
Remus smiled as well then his face turned serious. “The war’s going to get serious now.”
She sighed and looked into his eyes. He was right was she didn’t want to say anything. She knew as well as anyone that with Dumbledore dead, You-Know-Who wouldn’t hold back now, the Death Eaters would increase their attacks, Dementors allowed to run riot. But they would deal with those things when they happened, she told herself. Right now she simply leant forward and hugged him tightly.
“We should go,” she whispered.
He looked at her, sighed then smiled then kissed her cheek. He waited until she pulled on her cloak before getting to his feet and ensnared his fingers with hers.
“I…” he started to say but when she turned to look at him he closed his mouth.
“What?”
He shook his head and smiled, leaning forward to kiss her on the cheek. “Never mind,” he said quietly. “Let’s go.”
She smiled at him, wondering what he was going to say but she realised that she didn’t really care. The fact that he was here, holding her hand convinced her more than any words he could utter.
~