Conversations With Judas
Author/Artist: author_by_night
Title: Conversations With Judas
Rating & Warnings: PG
Word Count: 2,699
Prompt: gilpin25's request for a story about Peter's mother.
Summary: Mirabelle Pettigrew recalls her son's life and death in several conversations..
November, 1981
"I'm sure I'm the last person you want to see right now."
Mirabelle folded her arms and stared back at the woman.
Oh, she resembled the boy so much. Her hair was dark, brown if not black like his had been, but she had the same face, the same strange look in her eyes, like she was trying to see the humor in things when there wasn't much. Just like her son's killer.
It wasn't Andromeda's fault. She'd even tried to help him; Mirabelle wondered now why they hadn't included her that day, the day they decided where Sirius would go. Mirabelle wondered if Andromeda ever minded her exclusion from the conversation. They'd taken it upon themselves to be his temporary guardians, the writers of his fate, not even considering that there were some family members who loved him.
Maybe if they'd let go, this would not have happened. Who knew, really? More importantly, what did it matter? Sirius had fooled them, blinded them, and he'd killed her only son.
"Why are you here?" Mirabelle asked Andromeda stiffly. Why had she come to their viewings?
As only James and Lily were being buried, it was decided that the services should be held together. After all, the friends had been one, and Mirabelle mourned James too. She hadn't known Lily well, by the time Lily was in the picture the was full swing, but James had spent how many weeks at her house collectively? She'd loved him, and was honored that her son died to avenge him.
"Because it's the right thing to do," Andromeda said. "I know it's not my place, but... I'm so sorry."
Mirabelle's eyes were filled with tears again, but she was still able to see that Andromeda hadn't had much sleep. Again, she reminded herself that it was not her fault. Sirius had tricked her, too. Didn't Andromeda have a child of her own? Oh, the terrible things that must have been running through her head...
"You tried your best, dear," Mirabelle said after a moment. "We all did."
Andromeda nodded, and went to say something else - but she stopped. Mirabelle realized many people were giving her strange and distasteful looks.
"Well, then," Andromeda continued, "I ought to go." She smiled thinly, then vanished.
"I need to go, too," Mirabelle muttered, to no one in particular.
"Here."
Mirabelle realized Remus was behind her, his face wan. How long had he been standing there? He was extending his arm now, and Mirabelle took it gladly.
July, 1993
"What the hell are you talking about?"
Mirabelle had thought these days were over, but they weren't. Here she was being woken up at quarter past five in the morning, two Aurors - Moody and some girl with pink hair - and Remus Lupin outside her door. They'd had her sit down, and given her the horrible news: that Sirius had escaped Azkaban.
They'd had to tell her a few times now, even offering her a bag to breathe in. The sweat was gone, her heart was beating normally, so once again, Mirabelle glared at them.
"One of you has to explain how this happened," she snapped. "I was assured thirteen years ago that my son's killer wouldn't escape."
"We're as stunned as you," the girl said. "No one can tell us, not even the Demen-"
"So you expect me to believe he just disapparated without them noticing?"
"It is possible a charm failed," Remus said.
"No, it's not," Mirabelle said.
She realized he wasn't looking at her - something wasn't right. Why would he make such a stupid claim? Unless...
"You know," she said.
"Know what?"
"How did he escape?"
"No one knows, least of all him," Moody told her.
"Oh what do you know, you're a mad old bat," Mirabelle snapped. "How did he do it, boy? LOOK AT ME!"
"We're doing our best to find out," he said.
The girl with pink hair nodded in agreement. "We're as upset as-"
"Don't. Don't you dare."
"What Nymphadora is trying to say-" Moody began, but Mirabelle couldn't listen to any more of this.
"Look," she said, "if you're too cowardly to tell me - or just don't know, which I find very hard to believe - I want you out of my house this minute. I never had any use for you Ministry people."
"Mrs. Pettigrew-" Remus began.
Mirabelle looked at him in the eye, so he couldn't avoid her gaze. "Maybe you know nothing. But until you find out, I have no use for you either."
She waited to cry, but she couldn't. Instead she sat - eventually alone - helplessly as the past thirteen years replayed themselves over and over in her head.
Plus one more.
Easter, 1977
It had been Mary Potter who'd called the meeting. It had been Hope who asked that they hold it at her place - Lyall wasn't sure it would be safe for her to apparate to a magical residence, even one on their side.
So the three women sat in her parlor, admiring the Grindylow in a tank. It was a great distraction. But still - a distraction.
"We're not here to talk about Grindylows," Mary reminded them; Mirabelle and Hope nodded.
"Remus had been worried about Sirius for some time," Hope said. "Ever since he..."
She and Mary exchanged a knowing look; Mirabelle wasn't sure what that was about. All she knew was that Peter had admitted he, James and Remus weren't speaking to Sirius over winter break. When Mirabelle had asked why, Peter's first answer had been "I'm not talking to him because they aren't." It had bothered her, so she'd quickly admonished him for it.
"I know you're trying to be supportive," she'd told him, "but whatever happens, you don't always have to pick sides. Life isn't a Quidditch game."
"What if the person did something really bad?"
"We all make mistakes, Peter."
The friends had made up, but Mirabelle also learned - from hints Mary had dropped - that Sirius had done something considerably worse than drop an egg on someone's head or hide his professor's chalk. Worse, though, were the hints Sirius himself had dropped. Even the summer before, he'd looked terrified walking towards his mother. Peter hadn't heard from Sirius all summer, nor had James or Remus. That September, he'd looked gaunt and was sporting a black eye. And now, according to Mary, Sirius had written to James telling him not to write.
"My guess is that Sirius is standing up for himself," Hope said. "I had a strict family... you weren't supposed to disagree with anything. I can only imagine what a family that hates mudbloods is doing."
"Why do you keep using that word?" Mary asked exasperatedly.
"Same reason Remus and I joke about his - problems." Mirabelle didn't bother telling her she knew Remus was a werewolf (and didn't much care). "Drives Lyall mad on both counts. But the way I see it, I can either let something own me, or I can own it. It's better than wallowing. But families like his... and mine.. they want you to be afraid. Sirius is the bravest kid I know. It's a dangerous mix."
"We could get the Ministry involved," Mirabelle suggested.
Mary gave her a look. "They're friends with the Malfoy's, and the Malfoy family has people at the Ministry. We say anything, we'll make it worse. We have to find our own solution, and find it quickly. I do have dirt on them I might use as blackmail..."
"Oh?"
"Yes. Quite a bit, in fact. James has been digging. The question is... how do we proceed? And where does he go?"
"We'll let James, Peter and Remus figure out an escape route," Mirabelle said.
"We can't bring the children into it!" Hope protested.
"We have to. They know him better than us, and anyway, I reckon they've done this sort of thing before. It needs to be them. We need to blackmail the family into keeping quiet about it." Mirabelle wasn't stupid, she knew it was risky, but she also knew her son was smarter than he seemed, every bit as much as his brilliant friends.
"But then what? He can't live on his own," Hope said.
"That's the question, isn't it?" Mary asked.
All three women sat in silence.
"He could stay with us," Mirabelle said finally. "It's just Peter and I, ever since his Dad left. It'd be nice to have an extra person around."
"Lyall's fond of Sirius," Hope put in.
They looked at Mary, who wasn't saying anything, but she did have a hopeful expression on her face.
"It should be you," Hope and Mirabelle said together.
"Are you two sure?"
"You called the meeting, not us," Hope pointed out.
"And James and Sirius are inseparable," Mirabelle added. "No, it has to be you."
Mary smiled. "Well, then, if you insist."
"But we'll help," Mirabelle promised. "It doesn't end with the blackmailing. As long as our sons are like brothers, we will treat them as they are our own."
"Absolutely," Hope agreed.
June-September 1994
Mirabelle had seen the rat scurrying in her kitchen. She'd made to kill it, but it had begun squealing so frantically she hadn't had the heart to go through with it.
It was a sick little thing, having lost a lot of hair, and even a claw. It clung to her, and Mirabelle even caught it sleeping on Peter's old bed a few times. It was strange. Sometimes the rat would even disappear, only to turn back up in the same place."
"You're a bit like my son, you know," Mirabelle told him quietly. "If you'd stop squealing, you'd be surprised at how strong you could really be."
Apparently, it took her advice, for after that it disappeared.
One night, Mirabelle found herself unable to sleep. She'd been having dreams about her son again, the ones she'd had ever since Sirius's escape. As she often did after those dreams, Mirabelle went into Peter's room. It was probably very unhealthy, but comforting, too.
Much to her dismay, a grown man was sleeping on Peter's bed, curled up like the rat who'd been on it.
Mirabelle screamed, and the man jumped up, covering her mouth.
"It's okay, Mum, it's me."
Mirabelle stared at the man, realizing after a minute that it was no doubt her son, if balder and more miserable looking.
"What - what - how? Oh, this is so cruel, who are you really?"
"I'm Peter."
"Prove it."
"When Daddy went away, he left me a chocolate frog with a Wendelin the Weird card."
"But Sirius - Sirius killed you..."
"He tried, but I got away," Peter said. "I was going to tell you, but..."
"But what? Peter, if you've been - oh God, my-" Mirabelle held onto Peter for dear life, sobbing.
"I can't stay," Peter said suddenly, pulling away. "It isn't safe. And you mustn't tell anyone you saw me."
"What? Peter, you're alive, your friends have-"
"-my old friends?" Peter laughed coolly. "They'd kill me if they knew."
"Why would they kill you?" Mirabelle asked. "Peter, what's going on? Why did you let us all believe you were dead?"
"That's not the-"
"-yes, it is. Before your - before they found your finger, you were acting strange. You can tell me anything."
Peter looked at the ground.
"I'm scared," he muttered. "I came across someone the other day. She was a few years below me at Hogwarts, I reckon she fancied me. Maybe I fancied her a little. She recognized me, I knew she'd say something, so I silenced her."
"What?"
"Maybe I should hide here. He'd never know." Peter looked at his mother. "But then he'd kill you. He'd know."
"Who would know what? Is this about Sirius?"
"I'm sorry, Mum, I shouldn't have - I shouldn't have spoken. It's been dreadful, and I've lied to you so much..."
Mirabelle's heart was racing. "Lied to me? About what?"
"Listen," Peter continued. "You can't tell anyone you saw me, okay? I shouldn't even - they'd want me to do what I did with - but I can't. I've already hurt so many people."
A shiver ran down Mirabelle's spine. "Let me help you. I'll get Remus Lupin, we can both-"
"No!" Peter cried. "Definitely don't let Remus know you saw me. They'd kill Remus too," Peter added when Mirabelle raised her eyebrows. "I can't let anything happen to either of you because of the things I've done. Promise me you won't tell anyone you saw me here. Promise."
Mirabelle was shaking. now What had he done? One possibility occurred to her, but she pushed it away. No. Certainly he wouldn't have done anything that horrible. He'd just gotten into something stupid, and if she kept quiet, it would be okay... this was her only chance to have her son back... but did she, really? Was he going away to be better or to be worse?
"Just know you can come back to me anytime," Mirabelle told him. "You can tell me anything... it'll be just us, it's always been just us..."
"I know." Peter kissed her cheek. "Stay safe, Mum. Not a word to anyone."
June 1996
Mirabelle thought she ought to be surprised when she was told the whole story.
But she wasn't; it all made sense now, in a horrible way. Her son - her wonderful son - had died long before his apparent death. He was still dead, in her eyes. Mirabelle didn't know when - or why, for that matter - Peter had turned, but she knew that was when she'd lost the smart, kind, good boy she'd raised.
Sure, there'd been some denial - wasn't there always? Part of Mirabelle wanted to believe there was still more. But there wasn't. Mirabelle had realized that years ago, when the man who was little more than an Inferi turned up in her son's room. She just wished, now, that she'd said something.
Mirabelle just wished it wasn't too late to tell Sirius she was sorry, to tell him she forgave him. She should have realized he'd never kill him. But then, would the alternative have really made any more sense? Did it now?
No, Mirabelle realized. It didn't. It was still too much to bear. She could only hope that her son would change, that he'd come back to life as the boy she'd held. That was who Mirabelle had mourned. Still mourned. Along with the boy both of them had failed so miserably.
Mirabelle had wanted to reach Remus Lupin, though she couldn't imagine what she could possibly say to him. She just knew she had to be there.
"He'll be at St. Mungo's, most likely," Moody told Mirabelle when she inquired him at the Auror Office. "Tonks is still there. If you ask me, something fishy's going on between them..."
"If you ask me, that's none of our business," Mirabelle said. Moody shrugged, and she smiled. Well, if it were true, at least the young man was finally happy.
When Mirabelle walked into the hospital room, she could have sworn Remus and Tonks - Mirabelle recognized her as the young Auror who'd turned up at her doorstep - had been holding hands. They pulled away quickly, staring at her.
Mirabelle knew this would not be comfortable for anyone. "I'm sure I'm the last person you want to see right now."
"You're... Peter Pettigrew's Mum, right?" Tonks asked.
"I am. I came to express my condolences for your loss." Mirabelle handed Remus a card. "Wasn't sure what else to give you..."
"This will do. It means a lot. I'm sorry for... the news you've had to deal with."
"I already buried his finger, let's leave it at that," Mirabelle said. "I'm worse for wear, but I'll live. However... I do think I deserve to know the whole story now. I take it you've figured out how he escaped?" She asked Remus.
Remus looked abashed. "I'm sorry I nev-"
"-no need. Let's just put it all to rest."
Remus pulled out another chair, and Mirabelle sat down, prepared for the long overdue burial.