Fic: Haere Mai (Come Here) for carmentakoshi
Title: Haere Mai (Come Here)
Author: sea_shtick
Recipient: carmentakoshi
Rating: PG save a few bad words
Highlight for Warnings: *Remus and Sirius not liking each other, swearing*
Word Count: 3.200
Summary: It's early 1981, and Remus is beginning to resign himself to a drifting life.
Author's notes: Thanks to the mods for setting up this great fest again. The fic is bittersweet, but I hope you guys get a kick out of it! :)
He never feels really lonely until it starts to rain. There’s just something about being stuck inside that brings out the reflection and the sad state that he lives in. He’s sitting in his kitchen with a day old newspaper and a table full of crumbs watching the gray world from the inside, poking a toe through his slippers and trying to think of something to do. His kettle’s cracked now and he hasn’t had the money to buy another, he can heat the water by magic but it always ends up tasting strange, burnt, or something. He has a stack of books by the chair near the fire, each one more unappealing than the one below. He can tell himself that it’s not really his fault, that he’s so listless because the moon’s just come, he’s exhausted in every way possible as his body rebuilds, but he’s always tried not to make those kinds of excuses. He lives with other people making them for him, so he avoids it when he can.
He feels lonely because he knows how it could be. With nothing planned from the Order that day - nothing he knows about, that is - James is at home with Lily and Harry and they’re just as they are, a family, except Sirius must be there too because he practically lives at the house. Lily will be making some sort of fry-up from leftovers so they don’t have to go to the store, while Sirius plays with Harry and James entertains them all. That’s how it was, months ago, at least. He and Peter would have been there as well, talking quietly at the kitchen table or else reliving some of the glory days with the rest of them.
His house is silent but for the rain beating too hard on the tin roof above. It’s drafty, and small, and barely decorated because Remus learned quickly that it didn’t pay to have too many possessions. Just the rugs that were there and a handful of chipped cups and plates, books, clothes. There were other things, before, but never here. They went the same way most things do, broken or forgotten, or else deliberately left behind, sitting on a shelf empty of significance like a slate wiped clean.
He checks the time on the stove clock; it seems impossibly early. With one last look out the window he goes into the bedroom and steps out of his slippers, climbs into bed as slowly as he can for a reason he wouldn’t be able to define, and sleeps.
+
“Alright, so that brings us to Lupin. Anything new to report?”
Remus looks up. It's nearly the end of the meeting; he'd expected to be pushed back to the next week. He begins, or tries to, clears his throat and begins again.
“Not... not really, no. They're still wary, so wary. They know who I am. I can't stay there all the time, I have to leave, so they know, you know, they don't think I'm committed. Not just yet.”
All eyes are on him. “They don't talk about it, the War. It seems that they honestly don't believe it will affect them. Of course, this is just the Framsden pack, so - “
“Lupin.” Marlene's look is direct but not wholly unkind. “Anything new to report?”
“Nothing new, no,” he admits again, and realizes then that the eyes on him were not fixed out of interest but because he is the last to report. They all want to go home.
“Great, thank you. Okay everyone, meeting adjourned. Unit three, don't forget to check in at location six on Thursday, unit five, your location is to be announced, but know that Dumbledore wants to see you before Saturday. Stay safe.” Marlene disapparates without flourish. Chairs scrape and coats rustle as people begin to depart, some lingering for pleasantries but most quickly leaving in one or another manner.
“Hey,” Lily touches his arm and he looks back, smiles. “If you want to talk about it, you know. That's what I'm here for.” She smiles ruefully. “That's actually all I'm here for at this point, so please, do it for me.”
“Thanks,” he says, entertaining and then dismissing the proposition in a moment.
James joins them. “Two months, unbelievable,” he says, shaking his head. Remus feels like he is the only one in the world that notices his hand go to Lily's shoulder, it is such an unconscious gesture. Even Lily doesn't seem to register it. “There's a reason they assign you with the patience-work, mate,” continues James. “Two months, no nothing, no heads rolling, no answers...”
“Are you trying to rub it in?” asks Remus, raising an eyebrow.
“I am trying no such thing, dear Moony. I am simply imagining a fellow like me, trying to act for two months. Try it, imagine!”
“James, you couldn't even act interested for the two hours we spent at that play on Saturday.”
James raises his hands in wordless protest, stammers, “Yes, but!” and then mimes falling asleep. He snores softly.
“Impossible,” exclaims Lily. “Remus! Take me home at once!”
Remus stands and executes a tight bow, taking Lily's hand and laying a faint kiss on her knuckles. “Straight away, Miss.”
“Wait, hey now - I wasn't really asleep,” protests James, following them a few paces back.
“Come to dinner?” asks Lily, giving his hand a little squeeze. “Come on, you can’t expect me to look after two babies tonight.”
Remus is at the point of refusal when he makes a mental list of the contents of his refrigerator. Old tuna. Half of a dried out lime. Tomato paste, also bad. And whatever remained of the cheapest six-pack of beer money could buy.
“You wouldn’t mind?” he asks awkwardly, and wonders why it’s awkward, his asking.
“The babies insist!” cries James. “Look, you can feed Harry, and that frees Lily up to play “Hogwarts Express” with my mash.” He wiggles his eyebrows in an almost predatory way and Remus laughs aloud despite himself.
“Et tu, Rutus? Don’t encourage him! You’re supposed to be the good one,” groans Lily. “Into the floo, both of you.” She closes her eyes as if in pain. “OhgodIammymotherohgod.”
“Your mother is a fine woman,” says James as he steps obediently into the more-than-slightly damaged fireplace and pulls Remus in with him. “She smells of treacle and promises. Sweet, glorious -”
“Oi, lad, careful,” laughs Remus, “remember, summer after sixth year, the weekend in Glasgow-”
James bursts out laughing. “Peter Petticoat!”
“Who ended up sending the photos?”
“Oh who d’ya think, mate? Sirius was still jealous because I had my, aha, my “Hogwarts Express” in -”
With the kind of senses that close friends develop over time, James and Remus simultaneously realize that they are still in the Order’s fireplace, and together turn slowly to face their companion.
“Impossible,” grumbles Lily before banishing the pair with a particularly large and well-aimed handful of floo powder. She makes sure they are gone before she laughs herself, and climbs after them.
“Her first mistake is thinking that you’re the good one,” James says playfully from the fridge, pointing at Remus with a bottle of Heineken. Remus cracks his bottle open with a lighter and grins. Lily is in the nursery, checking up on baby Harry, and James throws a cursory glance down the hall before he swings his legs over and sits backwards on one of the kitchen chairs. “You were the worst,” he says, accenting every few words with another point. “You were the absolute worst because you never got caught. It was that damn Prefect smile, I know it.”
Remus shrugs innocently and tips his bottle back, the beer is cold and good. He can feel it enter into his bloodstream and, just as quickly, just as efficiently, be chased back out. The wolf is territorial.
“You had all the plans. All the good ones, at least. All the really nasty, sneaky, clever… brilliant, kind, academically forward - oh, hullo Lily. I was just reminding Remus about what a terrible and terribly clever git he is and how I will never understand why you think so highly of him.”
“Unlike me, for example.”
Remus starts a little and his next mouthful of beer goes down the wrong tube, but he manages not to cough.
“Sirius! You’re back early, oh, good.” Lily comes forward and gives Sirius a kiss on the cheek, he embraces her with one arm and puts James in a headlock with the other.
“Remus,” says Sirius, reaching a hand across the kitchen table. Remus accepts it in a firm shake and nods. His grip around the bottle tightens and they do not meet each other’s eyes. Sirius goes to the counter to unload a bag of groceries and James leans across the table with a conspiratorial look at Remus.
“Lily’s mum got her that apron when we got a flat of our own,” he says lowly, and Remus looks over his shoulder to see her tying it about her waist. “I’ve been charming it to spell out dirty words in the patchwork,” he continues with a grin. “She always changes it back but I think she likes it.”
“Lily, James is doing the eyebrow thing again,” Remus calls. “Do you want me to burn them off?”
“I’ll get back to you on that one,” Lily says, distracted. She has her wand out and pointing at the hem of her apron. James motions behind him and mouths something completely unreadable and Remus just grins.
“We’ve got a regular dinner party tonight,” says Sirius emerging from the fridge with a few bottles hanging between his fingers. “Where’s Peter? Or how about Dumbledore?”
“Peter wasn’t at the meeting,” says Lily, straightening. “Anyway, be nice. Remus just finished up the full moon.”
“Oh, right,” Sirius says, taken off guard, and looks at Remus in a queer manner. Remus returns his gaze, unmoving. I’m their friend, too, he wants to say. I’m allowed to come to dinner once in awhile. “Yeah, of course. How’s my godson? I’ll go check on him,” and he leaves the room.
James rolls his eyes and takes a long sip of his beer, and Lily turns away from the cutting board specifically to give Remus a long look, one that clearly says “still?” in a disbelieving and exasperating manner. Remus opens his arms in the universal gesture of innocence and incredulity and she turns back to the carrots with a vengeance.
“I, uh… Harry,” offers James, and quickly leaves to join Sirius in the nursery. Remus gets up too and stretches.
“Beer?” he asks Lily.
“Please.”
He passes a bottle over and she dumps the contents of her cutting board into a pot on the stove and gives it a quick stir before leaning back against the counter with a sigh.
“So, uh. What have you been up to, anyway?” asks Remus, feeling terrible for not knowing.
“Not much,” she says, picking at a loose thread on her apron. “Been around the house a lot. Do you know I’ve rearranged the furniture in the living room six times in the past month?” she laughs, some strange, dry noise. “But listen to me. I mean, look at you. I know I shouldn’t complain.”
Remus shrugs. “Everyone wants to do their part,” he says simply.
“Well I do have, I mean… they give me a lot of things, reports and notes, I’m supposed to look through them all. I look for… oh, I don’t even know. Irregularities, and trends, and what have you. Anything that might be helpful. It’s a little overwhelming, and tedious at the same time - have you seen Sirius’ penmanship?”
“Never,” grins Remus, “which is odd, because I edited his papers for six years in school. Where did he ever find it?”
Lily barks out a laugh and hands Remus a paring knife. “Make yourself useful and do something with these potatoes, would you?” she says, peering into the pot. “I hope Sirius bought the right bouillon this time.”
Remus begins to slowly peel a potato and listens to half-heard voices from the nursery.
“When do you go back to Fransdem?” asks Lily.
“Not quite sure,” he admits. “Soon, maybe. The more time I spend with them the better, or that’s what everyone is telling me.”
“Must be strange,” she says, still looking into the pot. He thinks about the last time he was away, the two little boys, crying themselves hoarse in a frost-touched glen.
“Yeah,” he says. Somehow the time to talk about it has passed. Lily listens and Lily is kind, but he still can’t imagine making her understand.
James and Sirius return to the kitchen, Harry perched on Sirius’ shoulders and clutching onto his hair, screaming happily. Sirius holds him on and makes a vaguely horse-like noise as he sits at the table.
“See,” James says to Sirius, motioning to Remus, “that’s a man that can peel a potato. That is, without taking off a layer of skin or four. That’s what we keep him around for. Makes Lily feel all high class, having a personal servant. No offense, Mooney, it’s just you mince like no man I’ve ever met. It’s beautiful, really.”
“Why not just magic it all?” asks Sirius with some vague gestures.
“She likes it,” says James, and then in a stage whisper, “it’s a good distraction.”
Lily, her back still to the table, charms one of the unwashed carrots to tap Sirius repeatedly on the forehead. Harry giggles and makes a grab for it.
“Maybe tomorrow,” Remus says, low. Lily looks up quickly.
“It’s not a little soon…?”
“Better that way, maybe. Everyone lets their guard down when they’re tired.”
“Oi, what’s this now? A stew made of secrets?” says James from the table. Lily looks to Remus, who gives a little shrug.
“Remus is going back to the pack tomorrow,” she explains.
“How is that, anyway?” asks Sirius suddenly. “Making headway?”
“Hard to say,” says Remus. “They know who I am, so. I think they’re waiting to figure out my motives.”
Sirius brings Harry down to his lap and grabs a quick sip of beer. “So? Why not just get it out there? It’s not like you’re trying to trick them.”
“I am, though,” says Remus, turning to face the table. “I can’t well just say, hey, you lot, join up with us. We’re the status quo! Those of you who don’t die fighting will be made real citizens. No, that’s not it… ah yes, you’ll go back to your vile animal dens and fending for yourself.”
“Er,” says James.
“They need to understand,” continues Remus. “They need to see for themselves that our way is the good way. And they have to trust me,” he adds after a beat. “That’s it, that’s the thing. They have to trust me.”
“Great,” says Sirius. “So what are you waiting for?”
“The potatoes,” Lily interrupts, “are what I am waiting for. Remus?”
Remus holds on to Sirius’ level gaze a moment and then turns back to help.
-
After dinner Sirius joins him out on the porch for a smoke. James and Harry have fallen asleep together on the couch, and Lily, who had been keeping him company and stealing a drag here and there, suddenly remembers one or four nameless things she “has just got to do” at that moment and slips past Sirius as he emerges from the house’s warmth.
Remus flips him a cigarette, knowing that he never bothers to buy his own. Sirius used to say that they would always appear when he wanted one, ignoring the fact that most of the time it was because Remus or Peter or whoever had a pack on hand.
Sirius inspects his gift. “What happened to rolling your own?”
Remus inhales sharply, says with difficulty, “Still do it, at home.” He sighs out a rush of smoke that seems to linger in the cold air. “Otherwise, can’t be bothered."
Sirius smiles, a little. They stand in silence with their hands deep in their pockets, brooding like adults do, the adults that they feel they are even though in reality they are 22 and absolutely insane and Lily is inside wiping up two separate spots of drool on the couch. From Remus’s downcast gaze he can see too clearly the line of Sirius’ leg as he shifts it, the thigh round beneath too-tight trousers. He has, suddenly, an overwhelming urge to cover the distance between the two of them and kiss him viciously, cigarette and all. Without realizing it, he lets his gaze travel slowly up Sirius’s body until it meets his eyes, which stare at him intensely.
“What.” Sirius’s tone is flat, but there’s no mistaking the challenge there.
“It’s just…” He’s down to his last hit, but instead of taking it he flicks the butt out onto the snow. “I wish it weren’t so easy to remember all the things about you I despise.”
“That’s a good line,” Sirius answers. “Now, come along, follow it up with a nice dramatic exit.”
That’s when Lily opens the door.
“Alright lads, I’m putting myself to bed now. Sirius, are you staying? Remus, I’ve got the fire ready.”
“Floo’s still broken at my place, I’m afraid,” says Remus, but he leads the way in. “I’ll disapparate in a few blocks, could use a good walk anyway.”
“I really don’t like it when you do that.”
“And you really are beginning to sound like your mum, you know that?” Sirius remarks. “I’m out as well, taking the bike home. It’s been awhile, I really need to check on the… uh, pipes, and… house… things.”
Lily raises an eyebrow but lets them go, they say their goodbyes and part at the end of the front walkway, and Remus is almost lost in his own thoughts by the time Sirius decides to call him back.
“Listen,” he says, and it seems to be almost physically painful for him to continue, “don’t do that again. Don’t disappear like that again, just, it’s not necessary.”
“Sirius,” Remus begins.
“You’re not doing anyone a favor. You live out in North Bumfuck, you only take on the most ridiculous assignments, you slip away for weeks at a time and get yourself worked up into this godawful misery like you’re the only person left on the planet-”
“Sirius,” Remus says again, firmly.
Sirius ignores him. “They deserve better,” he says, pointing emphatically back at the house. “They worry about you, and Lily, Lily’s just dying, she has nothing to do now but worry. It’s bad enough with Peter in the shape he is, don’t…” he trails off almost helplessly, and looks at Remus, waiting for a retort or reply.
But Remus has nothing. His mouth doesn’t move, his mind doesn’t work.
“Don’t disappear,” Sirius says finally, grudgingly, and he turns away and leaves Remus silent as the lights in the Potters’ house go out. Remus stays there until he can no longer hear the sound of the bike’s engine. It feels like hours.
Author: sea_shtick
Recipient: carmentakoshi
Rating: PG save a few bad words
Highlight for Warnings: *Remus and Sirius not liking each other, swearing*
Word Count: 3.200
Summary: It's early 1981, and Remus is beginning to resign himself to a drifting life.
Author's notes: Thanks to the mods for setting up this great fest again. The fic is bittersweet, but I hope you guys get a kick out of it! :)
He never feels really lonely until it starts to rain. There’s just something about being stuck inside that brings out the reflection and the sad state that he lives in. He’s sitting in his kitchen with a day old newspaper and a table full of crumbs watching the gray world from the inside, poking a toe through his slippers and trying to think of something to do. His kettle’s cracked now and he hasn’t had the money to buy another, he can heat the water by magic but it always ends up tasting strange, burnt, or something. He has a stack of books by the chair near the fire, each one more unappealing than the one below. He can tell himself that it’s not really his fault, that he’s so listless because the moon’s just come, he’s exhausted in every way possible as his body rebuilds, but he’s always tried not to make those kinds of excuses. He lives with other people making them for him, so he avoids it when he can.
He feels lonely because he knows how it could be. With nothing planned from the Order that day - nothing he knows about, that is - James is at home with Lily and Harry and they’re just as they are, a family, except Sirius must be there too because he practically lives at the house. Lily will be making some sort of fry-up from leftovers so they don’t have to go to the store, while Sirius plays with Harry and James entertains them all. That’s how it was, months ago, at least. He and Peter would have been there as well, talking quietly at the kitchen table or else reliving some of the glory days with the rest of them.
His house is silent but for the rain beating too hard on the tin roof above. It’s drafty, and small, and barely decorated because Remus learned quickly that it didn’t pay to have too many possessions. Just the rugs that were there and a handful of chipped cups and plates, books, clothes. There were other things, before, but never here. They went the same way most things do, broken or forgotten, or else deliberately left behind, sitting on a shelf empty of significance like a slate wiped clean.
He checks the time on the stove clock; it seems impossibly early. With one last look out the window he goes into the bedroom and steps out of his slippers, climbs into bed as slowly as he can for a reason he wouldn’t be able to define, and sleeps.
+
“Alright, so that brings us to Lupin. Anything new to report?”
Remus looks up. It's nearly the end of the meeting; he'd expected to be pushed back to the next week. He begins, or tries to, clears his throat and begins again.
“Not... not really, no. They're still wary, so wary. They know who I am. I can't stay there all the time, I have to leave, so they know, you know, they don't think I'm committed. Not just yet.”
All eyes are on him. “They don't talk about it, the War. It seems that they honestly don't believe it will affect them. Of course, this is just the Framsden pack, so - “
“Lupin.” Marlene's look is direct but not wholly unkind. “Anything new to report?”
“Nothing new, no,” he admits again, and realizes then that the eyes on him were not fixed out of interest but because he is the last to report. They all want to go home.
“Great, thank you. Okay everyone, meeting adjourned. Unit three, don't forget to check in at location six on Thursday, unit five, your location is to be announced, but know that Dumbledore wants to see you before Saturday. Stay safe.” Marlene disapparates without flourish. Chairs scrape and coats rustle as people begin to depart, some lingering for pleasantries but most quickly leaving in one or another manner.
“Hey,” Lily touches his arm and he looks back, smiles. “If you want to talk about it, you know. That's what I'm here for.” She smiles ruefully. “That's actually all I'm here for at this point, so please, do it for me.”
“Thanks,” he says, entertaining and then dismissing the proposition in a moment.
James joins them. “Two months, unbelievable,” he says, shaking his head. Remus feels like he is the only one in the world that notices his hand go to Lily's shoulder, it is such an unconscious gesture. Even Lily doesn't seem to register it. “There's a reason they assign you with the patience-work, mate,” continues James. “Two months, no nothing, no heads rolling, no answers...”
“Are you trying to rub it in?” asks Remus, raising an eyebrow.
“I am trying no such thing, dear Moony. I am simply imagining a fellow like me, trying to act for two months. Try it, imagine!”
“James, you couldn't even act interested for the two hours we spent at that play on Saturday.”
James raises his hands in wordless protest, stammers, “Yes, but!” and then mimes falling asleep. He snores softly.
“Impossible,” exclaims Lily. “Remus! Take me home at once!”
Remus stands and executes a tight bow, taking Lily's hand and laying a faint kiss on her knuckles. “Straight away, Miss.”
“Wait, hey now - I wasn't really asleep,” protests James, following them a few paces back.
“Come to dinner?” asks Lily, giving his hand a little squeeze. “Come on, you can’t expect me to look after two babies tonight.”
Remus is at the point of refusal when he makes a mental list of the contents of his refrigerator. Old tuna. Half of a dried out lime. Tomato paste, also bad. And whatever remained of the cheapest six-pack of beer money could buy.
“You wouldn’t mind?” he asks awkwardly, and wonders why it’s awkward, his asking.
“The babies insist!” cries James. “Look, you can feed Harry, and that frees Lily up to play “Hogwarts Express” with my mash.” He wiggles his eyebrows in an almost predatory way and Remus laughs aloud despite himself.
“Et tu, Rutus? Don’t encourage him! You’re supposed to be the good one,” groans Lily. “Into the floo, both of you.” She closes her eyes as if in pain. “OhgodIammymotherohgod.”
“Your mother is a fine woman,” says James as he steps obediently into the more-than-slightly damaged fireplace and pulls Remus in with him. “She smells of treacle and promises. Sweet, glorious -”
“Oi, lad, careful,” laughs Remus, “remember, summer after sixth year, the weekend in Glasgow-”
James bursts out laughing. “Peter Petticoat!”
“Who ended up sending the photos?”
“Oh who d’ya think, mate? Sirius was still jealous because I had my, aha, my “Hogwarts Express” in -”
With the kind of senses that close friends develop over time, James and Remus simultaneously realize that they are still in the Order’s fireplace, and together turn slowly to face their companion.
“Impossible,” grumbles Lily before banishing the pair with a particularly large and well-aimed handful of floo powder. She makes sure they are gone before she laughs herself, and climbs after them.
“Her first mistake is thinking that you’re the good one,” James says playfully from the fridge, pointing at Remus with a bottle of Heineken. Remus cracks his bottle open with a lighter and grins. Lily is in the nursery, checking up on baby Harry, and James throws a cursory glance down the hall before he swings his legs over and sits backwards on one of the kitchen chairs. “You were the worst,” he says, accenting every few words with another point. “You were the absolute worst because you never got caught. It was that damn Prefect smile, I know it.”
Remus shrugs innocently and tips his bottle back, the beer is cold and good. He can feel it enter into his bloodstream and, just as quickly, just as efficiently, be chased back out. The wolf is territorial.
“You had all the plans. All the good ones, at least. All the really nasty, sneaky, clever… brilliant, kind, academically forward - oh, hullo Lily. I was just reminding Remus about what a terrible and terribly clever git he is and how I will never understand why you think so highly of him.”
“Unlike me, for example.”
Remus starts a little and his next mouthful of beer goes down the wrong tube, but he manages not to cough.
“Sirius! You’re back early, oh, good.” Lily comes forward and gives Sirius a kiss on the cheek, he embraces her with one arm and puts James in a headlock with the other.
“Remus,” says Sirius, reaching a hand across the kitchen table. Remus accepts it in a firm shake and nods. His grip around the bottle tightens and they do not meet each other’s eyes. Sirius goes to the counter to unload a bag of groceries and James leans across the table with a conspiratorial look at Remus.
“Lily’s mum got her that apron when we got a flat of our own,” he says lowly, and Remus looks over his shoulder to see her tying it about her waist. “I’ve been charming it to spell out dirty words in the patchwork,” he continues with a grin. “She always changes it back but I think she likes it.”
“Lily, James is doing the eyebrow thing again,” Remus calls. “Do you want me to burn them off?”
“I’ll get back to you on that one,” Lily says, distracted. She has her wand out and pointing at the hem of her apron. James motions behind him and mouths something completely unreadable and Remus just grins.
“We’ve got a regular dinner party tonight,” says Sirius emerging from the fridge with a few bottles hanging between his fingers. “Where’s Peter? Or how about Dumbledore?”
“Peter wasn’t at the meeting,” says Lily, straightening. “Anyway, be nice. Remus just finished up the full moon.”
“Oh, right,” Sirius says, taken off guard, and looks at Remus in a queer manner. Remus returns his gaze, unmoving. I’m their friend, too, he wants to say. I’m allowed to come to dinner once in awhile. “Yeah, of course. How’s my godson? I’ll go check on him,” and he leaves the room.
James rolls his eyes and takes a long sip of his beer, and Lily turns away from the cutting board specifically to give Remus a long look, one that clearly says “still?” in a disbelieving and exasperating manner. Remus opens his arms in the universal gesture of innocence and incredulity and she turns back to the carrots with a vengeance.
“I, uh… Harry,” offers James, and quickly leaves to join Sirius in the nursery. Remus gets up too and stretches.
“Beer?” he asks Lily.
“Please.”
He passes a bottle over and she dumps the contents of her cutting board into a pot on the stove and gives it a quick stir before leaning back against the counter with a sigh.
“So, uh. What have you been up to, anyway?” asks Remus, feeling terrible for not knowing.
“Not much,” she says, picking at a loose thread on her apron. “Been around the house a lot. Do you know I’ve rearranged the furniture in the living room six times in the past month?” she laughs, some strange, dry noise. “But listen to me. I mean, look at you. I know I shouldn’t complain.”
Remus shrugs. “Everyone wants to do their part,” he says simply.
“Well I do have, I mean… they give me a lot of things, reports and notes, I’m supposed to look through them all. I look for… oh, I don’t even know. Irregularities, and trends, and what have you. Anything that might be helpful. It’s a little overwhelming, and tedious at the same time - have you seen Sirius’ penmanship?”
“Never,” grins Remus, “which is odd, because I edited his papers for six years in school. Where did he ever find it?”
Lily barks out a laugh and hands Remus a paring knife. “Make yourself useful and do something with these potatoes, would you?” she says, peering into the pot. “I hope Sirius bought the right bouillon this time.”
Remus begins to slowly peel a potato and listens to half-heard voices from the nursery.
“When do you go back to Fransdem?” asks Lily.
“Not quite sure,” he admits. “Soon, maybe. The more time I spend with them the better, or that’s what everyone is telling me.”
“Must be strange,” she says, still looking into the pot. He thinks about the last time he was away, the two little boys, crying themselves hoarse in a frost-touched glen.
“Yeah,” he says. Somehow the time to talk about it has passed. Lily listens and Lily is kind, but he still can’t imagine making her understand.
James and Sirius return to the kitchen, Harry perched on Sirius’ shoulders and clutching onto his hair, screaming happily. Sirius holds him on and makes a vaguely horse-like noise as he sits at the table.
“See,” James says to Sirius, motioning to Remus, “that’s a man that can peel a potato. That is, without taking off a layer of skin or four. That’s what we keep him around for. Makes Lily feel all high class, having a personal servant. No offense, Mooney, it’s just you mince like no man I’ve ever met. It’s beautiful, really.”
“Why not just magic it all?” asks Sirius with some vague gestures.
“She likes it,” says James, and then in a stage whisper, “it’s a good distraction.”
Lily, her back still to the table, charms one of the unwashed carrots to tap Sirius repeatedly on the forehead. Harry giggles and makes a grab for it.
“Maybe tomorrow,” Remus says, low. Lily looks up quickly.
“It’s not a little soon…?”
“Better that way, maybe. Everyone lets their guard down when they’re tired.”
“Oi, what’s this now? A stew made of secrets?” says James from the table. Lily looks to Remus, who gives a little shrug.
“Remus is going back to the pack tomorrow,” she explains.
“How is that, anyway?” asks Sirius suddenly. “Making headway?”
“Hard to say,” says Remus. “They know who I am, so. I think they’re waiting to figure out my motives.”
Sirius brings Harry down to his lap and grabs a quick sip of beer. “So? Why not just get it out there? It’s not like you’re trying to trick them.”
“I am, though,” says Remus, turning to face the table. “I can’t well just say, hey, you lot, join up with us. We’re the status quo! Those of you who don’t die fighting will be made real citizens. No, that’s not it… ah yes, you’ll go back to your vile animal dens and fending for yourself.”
“Er,” says James.
“They need to understand,” continues Remus. “They need to see for themselves that our way is the good way. And they have to trust me,” he adds after a beat. “That’s it, that’s the thing. They have to trust me.”
“Great,” says Sirius. “So what are you waiting for?”
“The potatoes,” Lily interrupts, “are what I am waiting for. Remus?”
Remus holds on to Sirius’ level gaze a moment and then turns back to help.
-
After dinner Sirius joins him out on the porch for a smoke. James and Harry have fallen asleep together on the couch, and Lily, who had been keeping him company and stealing a drag here and there, suddenly remembers one or four nameless things she “has just got to do” at that moment and slips past Sirius as he emerges from the house’s warmth.
Remus flips him a cigarette, knowing that he never bothers to buy his own. Sirius used to say that they would always appear when he wanted one, ignoring the fact that most of the time it was because Remus or Peter or whoever had a pack on hand.
Sirius inspects his gift. “What happened to rolling your own?”
Remus inhales sharply, says with difficulty, “Still do it, at home.” He sighs out a rush of smoke that seems to linger in the cold air. “Otherwise, can’t be bothered."
Sirius smiles, a little. They stand in silence with their hands deep in their pockets, brooding like adults do, the adults that they feel they are even though in reality they are 22 and absolutely insane and Lily is inside wiping up two separate spots of drool on the couch. From Remus’s downcast gaze he can see too clearly the line of Sirius’ leg as he shifts it, the thigh round beneath too-tight trousers. He has, suddenly, an overwhelming urge to cover the distance between the two of them and kiss him viciously, cigarette and all. Without realizing it, he lets his gaze travel slowly up Sirius’s body until it meets his eyes, which stare at him intensely.
“What.” Sirius’s tone is flat, but there’s no mistaking the challenge there.
“It’s just…” He’s down to his last hit, but instead of taking it he flicks the butt out onto the snow. “I wish it weren’t so easy to remember all the things about you I despise.”
“That’s a good line,” Sirius answers. “Now, come along, follow it up with a nice dramatic exit.”
That’s when Lily opens the door.
“Alright lads, I’m putting myself to bed now. Sirius, are you staying? Remus, I’ve got the fire ready.”
“Floo’s still broken at my place, I’m afraid,” says Remus, but he leads the way in. “I’ll disapparate in a few blocks, could use a good walk anyway.”
“I really don’t like it when you do that.”
“And you really are beginning to sound like your mum, you know that?” Sirius remarks. “I’m out as well, taking the bike home. It’s been awhile, I really need to check on the… uh, pipes, and… house… things.”
Lily raises an eyebrow but lets them go, they say their goodbyes and part at the end of the front walkway, and Remus is almost lost in his own thoughts by the time Sirius decides to call him back.
“Listen,” he says, and it seems to be almost physically painful for him to continue, “don’t do that again. Don’t disappear like that again, just, it’s not necessary.”
“Sirius,” Remus begins.
“You’re not doing anyone a favor. You live out in North Bumfuck, you only take on the most ridiculous assignments, you slip away for weeks at a time and get yourself worked up into this godawful misery like you’re the only person left on the planet-”
“Sirius,” Remus says again, firmly.
Sirius ignores him. “They deserve better,” he says, pointing emphatically back at the house. “They worry about you, and Lily, Lily’s just dying, she has nothing to do now but worry. It’s bad enough with Peter in the shape he is, don’t…” he trails off almost helplessly, and looks at Remus, waiting for a retort or reply.
But Remus has nothing. His mouth doesn’t move, his mind doesn’t work.
“Don’t disappear,” Sirius says finally, grudgingly, and he turns away and leaves Remus silent as the lights in the Potters’ house go out. Remus stays there until he can no longer hear the sound of the bike’s engine. It feels like hours.