Its a true story.
My life was monotonous. It wasn't that I was antisocial -- pretty much the opposite. Eh.., hold on. I think I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me start it from the beginning.
I moved a lot as a kid. Every year of my life after my parents' divorce, in fact, before I came to Ocean Springs. Not only was it hard being the new kid all the time, but I was also the fat kid, the poor kid, the quiet kid. I don't know how or when exactly I started caring about what people had to say about me. I just remember it being a shitty factor of my life since around first or second grade.
So, needless to say, my life pretty much blew until I got used to being new. I grew some balls, so to speak, around third grade. I finally got myself what I could call a best friend. I realized what came with the territory of a best friend was befriending all those who knew my best friend. You know; I joined a clique. But then what happened? I had to fucking move again. Gay, I know, I cried pretty hard the day I finally left St. Martin. Best friends haven't really been my thing since.
Then came Ocean Springs. I was lucky in the timing of my move, as I had enough time over summer to accept the fact that things had changed again. That way, when I got back into school (now fourth grade), I could push my courage to the limit and strive to make new connections. And, of course, I did.
Whether it was a coincidence or a result of whatever work I did I will never know, but sooner than later I had once again earned myself some friends. These ones, though, were a special bunch. I'm sure it was this group that formed me into what I am today.
I'm not completely sure how you would classify some of these kids nowadays. Preps, goths, punks, stoners, dorks, and "the unpopular" made up the band of friends I had fallen into. Believe it or not, I used to look up to the people that I pretty much dismiss now. I formed my style after what I saw them wear, I formed my attitude after how they acted, and I carried myself in a manner similar to theirs. And this kind of stuff used to be on my mind.
I remember in fifth grade, I wanted a pair of Nikes so bad. I had always worn shitty Wal*Mart shoes, and it was really hurting my self-esteem. My parents, of course, didn't have all too much money, so I found a nice forty dollar pair that seemed to be good enough for me and cheap enough for them. I got these fugly Nikes -- and boy, were they fugly -- and felt like the shit. Of course, getting into school, everyone had the same exact pair. Halfway thinking it was pretty sweet, I went along with it. I talked to others about the Nikes. I even got props from a friend of mine that still hadn't ever owned a pair.
I tried to stay with the crowd... but I couldn't. I fell behind, and, in turn, fell downwards on the hierarchy of popularity. All of this within the same year of school. Boy, I felt like ass.
Fifth grade was also interesting as I developed a pretty big crush on this girl, Mae-gan. I don't think it was obvious, but I do remember it was something I didn't want others to know. I subconsciously told myself I had to jump back up to her level in order to score a chick of that caliber. From then on through the end of middle school, I actually wanted to be popular.
Although I went through many interesting scenarios throughout fifth through eigth grade, now isn't much the time for those stories. The thing here is, I got so caught up in act that I forgot about the cause. I tried hard to be cool, to be interesting and popular, that I missed out on a lot of chances to find out who I naturally was. No one really cared much about who I was when all I cared about was who I could be, so I cornered myself and only had about two or three close friends.
Two or three dwindled down to one at the start of high school, and for a week or so I was stranded. Literally, I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. That is, until one day when Kenith invited me over to his group. I wasn't completely out of place, of course, because I had found a few familiar faces I got to know over the years. So, I guess I managed to fit into the group. I do remember that I tried to fit in, and kind of regret that, but its in the past.
Somewhere around/after this time, I found a nice "comfort zone": a place, an attitude, a state of being that left me relatively worry-free. This, strangely, is when things became chaotic.
Around the end of middle school, my mom divorced my stepfather, brought a hobo in, that hobo brought in another one who kicked the previous out, my mom started liking the new one (Dave), who was a dick and more or less ruined my tender teenage years. It was bad, and anyone that has heard the story would agree, and the peak of it was at the start of high school.
Being at school was a big mixed bag of emotions. I'm not sure whether or not anyone could tell, but it was really hard on me. I had, after all, found my "comfort zone", but while I was there I couldn't stop worrying about my life outside of school. I'd forgotten my goals, my values, my homework, and I, in general, had no idea what was going on. Right now I'm going to attempt to recreate it for everyone. Bear with me.
I wanted to be popular. I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted to lose weight. I needed money, and in turn, a job. I wanted to get out of my house, but I couldn't leave behind everything that I felt I had justly earned. Could I make new friends without losing the old? Could I handle the responsibility of a girlfriend, a job, and an exercise routine? Why does this shit pile up on me?
Hah, yeah, I know.. gay. But that's how it went. I told myself that a girl would ease my problems, but to get a girl I'd need to be popular, and to be popular I needed to have money, and to have money I would need a job, but to have a job I'd have to have a stable lifestyle that would allow for it. That wasn't happening. Nothing was happening.
Nothing did happen. My life went to hell in a handbasket. When things went up, things went down twice as fast; twice as hard. I'd lost faith in myself, my family, and any higher power I had been brought up to acknowledge. I was a mess.
Things hit rock bottom when I was put into juvenile for stabbing Dave. I joke about it now, of course, but for those five nights I was scared shitless. Sitting in an empty room for two days straight has strange effects on the mind. Imagine having the saddest song you know playing in your head for 48 hours at a time, and thats what it was like. All I had to do was think, and I'm happy to say that I actually came up with some things.
Fourth grade. I met everyone. I had a blast meeting them, too. I loved it.
Fifth grade. That girl. That style. I had wanted to be there.
Sixth grade. More of the same, less of the different.
Seventh grade. Had a girl, for a while, and rekindled my interest in pursuing popularity and the opposite sex.
Eigth grade. I knew who my friends were.
Ninth grade. More or less having to start over again. Damn.
What was wrong? It took me a while to figure it out. Everything I had tried for involved thinking, effort, and as much work as my then pathetic being could pour into it. Why did it never work out for me?
I got out of juvenile, of course. I told a grand tale to everyone I knew. And, for a while, everything was relatively cool.
Finally, after a while, what I had been worrying myself over so much had came to me. I found myself with values, morals, principles, or whatever they're called. Although it took a while, in what now seems like a blink of an eye I realized who I was and what I wanted to be like.
I guess 'old-fashioned' could describe it. I believe in chivalry, I believe in having good manners, and I believe there's a reason or pattern behind everything that happens. I believe that the only style I need is a style which is comfortable for me. I believe that it is okay for me to tell people to "do as I say and not as I do". I believe that I should be able to pursue my interests without someone getting in my way. I believe that I have my own bubble, and no one is to be inside of it unless invited in. Above all, I believe that people need principles to lead happy lives.
Along with these, I learned some good, if not rough, life lessons. These lessons are more or less the reason for this long, unorganized group of thoughts. Generic as they may be, I hope that anyone that actually read all of this will be able to think about them and give them serious consideration.
Trying too hard can hinder the outcome of anything,
good things come to those who wait,
take things how they are, get as much as you can out of them before they're gone,
and don't ever try to be anything other than who you are.
All things said and done, I know who I am. If you've known me for a while, you've seen the stages I've been through. I am happy to say that I have settled down on everything. I can honestly say that right now, I am having the time of my life. I couldn't be any happier, and I owe it all to the people and experiences I've encountered up to now.
I moved a lot as a kid. Every year of my life after my parents' divorce, in fact, before I came to Ocean Springs. Not only was it hard being the new kid all the time, but I was also the fat kid, the poor kid, the quiet kid. I don't know how or when exactly I started caring about what people had to say about me. I just remember it being a shitty factor of my life since around first or second grade.
So, needless to say, my life pretty much blew until I got used to being new. I grew some balls, so to speak, around third grade. I finally got myself what I could call a best friend. I realized what came with the territory of a best friend was befriending all those who knew my best friend. You know; I joined a clique. But then what happened? I had to fucking move again. Gay, I know, I cried pretty hard the day I finally left St. Martin. Best friends haven't really been my thing since.
Then came Ocean Springs. I was lucky in the timing of my move, as I had enough time over summer to accept the fact that things had changed again. That way, when I got back into school (now fourth grade), I could push my courage to the limit and strive to make new connections. And, of course, I did.
Whether it was a coincidence or a result of whatever work I did I will never know, but sooner than later I had once again earned myself some friends. These ones, though, were a special bunch. I'm sure it was this group that formed me into what I am today.
I'm not completely sure how you would classify some of these kids nowadays. Preps, goths, punks, stoners, dorks, and "the unpopular" made up the band of friends I had fallen into. Believe it or not, I used to look up to the people that I pretty much dismiss now. I formed my style after what I saw them wear, I formed my attitude after how they acted, and I carried myself in a manner similar to theirs. And this kind of stuff used to be on my mind.
I remember in fifth grade, I wanted a pair of Nikes so bad. I had always worn shitty Wal*Mart shoes, and it was really hurting my self-esteem. My parents, of course, didn't have all too much money, so I found a nice forty dollar pair that seemed to be good enough for me and cheap enough for them. I got these fugly Nikes -- and boy, were they fugly -- and felt like the shit. Of course, getting into school, everyone had the same exact pair. Halfway thinking it was pretty sweet, I went along with it. I talked to others about the Nikes. I even got props from a friend of mine that still hadn't ever owned a pair.
I tried to stay with the crowd... but I couldn't. I fell behind, and, in turn, fell downwards on the hierarchy of popularity. All of this within the same year of school. Boy, I felt like ass.
Fifth grade was also interesting as I developed a pretty big crush on this girl, Mae-gan. I don't think it was obvious, but I do remember it was something I didn't want others to know. I subconsciously told myself I had to jump back up to her level in order to score a chick of that caliber. From then on through the end of middle school, I actually wanted to be popular.
Although I went through many interesting scenarios throughout fifth through eigth grade, now isn't much the time for those stories. The thing here is, I got so caught up in act that I forgot about the cause. I tried hard to be cool, to be interesting and popular, that I missed out on a lot of chances to find out who I naturally was. No one really cared much about who I was when all I cared about was who I could be, so I cornered myself and only had about two or three close friends.
Two or three dwindled down to one at the start of high school, and for a week or so I was stranded. Literally, I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. That is, until one day when Kenith invited me over to his group. I wasn't completely out of place, of course, because I had found a few familiar faces I got to know over the years. So, I guess I managed to fit into the group. I do remember that I tried to fit in, and kind of regret that, but its in the past.
Somewhere around/after this time, I found a nice "comfort zone": a place, an attitude, a state of being that left me relatively worry-free. This, strangely, is when things became chaotic.
Around the end of middle school, my mom divorced my stepfather, brought a hobo in, that hobo brought in another one who kicked the previous out, my mom started liking the new one (Dave), who was a dick and more or less ruined my tender teenage years. It was bad, and anyone that has heard the story would agree, and the peak of it was at the start of high school.
Being at school was a big mixed bag of emotions. I'm not sure whether or not anyone could tell, but it was really hard on me. I had, after all, found my "comfort zone", but while I was there I couldn't stop worrying about my life outside of school. I'd forgotten my goals, my values, my homework, and I, in general, had no idea what was going on. Right now I'm going to attempt to recreate it for everyone. Bear with me.
I wanted to be popular. I wanted a girlfriend. I wanted to lose weight. I needed money, and in turn, a job. I wanted to get out of my house, but I couldn't leave behind everything that I felt I had justly earned. Could I make new friends without losing the old? Could I handle the responsibility of a girlfriend, a job, and an exercise routine? Why does this shit pile up on me?
Hah, yeah, I know.. gay. But that's how it went. I told myself that a girl would ease my problems, but to get a girl I'd need to be popular, and to be popular I needed to have money, and to have money I would need a job, but to have a job I'd have to have a stable lifestyle that would allow for it. That wasn't happening. Nothing was happening.
Nothing did happen. My life went to hell in a handbasket. When things went up, things went down twice as fast; twice as hard. I'd lost faith in myself, my family, and any higher power I had been brought up to acknowledge. I was a mess.
Things hit rock bottom when I was put into juvenile for stabbing Dave. I joke about it now, of course, but for those five nights I was scared shitless. Sitting in an empty room for two days straight has strange effects on the mind. Imagine having the saddest song you know playing in your head for 48 hours at a time, and thats what it was like. All I had to do was think, and I'm happy to say that I actually came up with some things.
Fourth grade. I met everyone. I had a blast meeting them, too. I loved it.
Fifth grade. That girl. That style. I had wanted to be there.
Sixth grade. More of the same, less of the different.
Seventh grade. Had a girl, for a while, and rekindled my interest in pursuing popularity and the opposite sex.
Eigth grade. I knew who my friends were.
Ninth grade. More or less having to start over again. Damn.
What was wrong? It took me a while to figure it out. Everything I had tried for involved thinking, effort, and as much work as my then pathetic being could pour into it. Why did it never work out for me?
I got out of juvenile, of course. I told a grand tale to everyone I knew. And, for a while, everything was relatively cool.
Finally, after a while, what I had been worrying myself over so much had came to me. I found myself with values, morals, principles, or whatever they're called. Although it took a while, in what now seems like a blink of an eye I realized who I was and what I wanted to be like.
I guess 'old-fashioned' could describe it. I believe in chivalry, I believe in having good manners, and I believe there's a reason or pattern behind everything that happens. I believe that the only style I need is a style which is comfortable for me. I believe that it is okay for me to tell people to "do as I say and not as I do". I believe that I should be able to pursue my interests without someone getting in my way. I believe that I have my own bubble, and no one is to be inside of it unless invited in. Above all, I believe that people need principles to lead happy lives.
Along with these, I learned some good, if not rough, life lessons. These lessons are more or less the reason for this long, unorganized group of thoughts. Generic as they may be, I hope that anyone that actually read all of this will be able to think about them and give them serious consideration.
Trying too hard can hinder the outcome of anything,
good things come to those who wait,
take things how they are, get as much as you can out of them before they're gone,
and don't ever try to be anything other than who you are.
All things said and done, I know who I am. If you've known me for a while, you've seen the stages I've been through. I am happy to say that I have settled down on everything. I can honestly say that right now, I am having the time of my life. I couldn't be any happier, and I owe it all to the people and experiences I've encountered up to now.