TSCC: Samson & Delilah - MY way ;)
Based on promos and the silliness that befalls me in the wee hours of the night, I've written up an abbreviated script of the first episode of the season. I couldn't cover everything, so apologies to Ellison and Catherine for not making it. Spoilers, obviously, but only if you've been living in a cave for the past several weeks.
*boom*
SARAH: That's odd. I didn't tell Cameron to get exploding candles for the cake... Sarakissian, what are you doing here? Ever heard of knocking? By the way, um, do you have The Turk by any chance? Ouch. Hey! It was Derek that dragged your little girl into that alley, not me. Ouch.
SARKISSIAN: *Choke*
JOHN: Leave my mom alone. *Kick*
SARAH: Cameron where the hell have you been? And why are you pointing a gun at John?
CAMERON: I must kill John Connor. I must kill John Connor. I must kill....
SARAH: John you better get out of here fast.
JOHN: *window crash* *Tumble* *Thud* Ouch.
*Spontaneous house combustion* (old wiring, you know - shorted out by one too many hot water heaters)
--
JOHN: Hey there's Cameron in the canal. Run her down!
SARAH: Damn. Missed. Whoa! *crash* *roll* John run!
CAMERON: *stomp*
SARAH: Ouch.
JOHN: Yo Cam! Leave my mom alone!
*chasing-n-running-n-car theft-n-stuff*
SARAH: Nice minivan. Hmm... I wonder if Charley would like it. We'd have room for more kids. And I could kill Michelle easy - mad combat skillz. No no no. Human life is valuable and all that. Damn.
JOHN: Mom quit daydreaming. Look out!
SARAH: *crash* Ouch. *run*
JOHN: Ouch. *run*
JOHN: Cameron doesn't have a soul and she never will. She'll never think to go in a chapel. Hey a HUGE neon crucifix. What a coincidence - I'm a savior, he's a savior... I'll electrify it just in case Cam shows up.
--
DEREK: I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants don't I?
CHARLEY: Let me put it this way, I've beheld worse. Hey what's that hard drive in your hand and where's Sarah?
DEREK: This thing? It belonged to the boss of the guy I killed and it's hopefully going to help us find the thing the other guy I killed made before it gets angry and kills people. BTW, you're a liability. I might kill you later. Also I think I had too much coffee today. Do you happen to have any C4 on you? And Sarah's long gone man. No use looking for her. She could be a few blocks away by now.
*radio static* car accident a few blocks away *radio static*
CHARLEY: Let's go. Hey there's that very scary robot heading into a chapel. Let's ask her if she knows where Sarah and John are.
--
CAMERON: *zap* Do you believe in Jesus?
SARAH: *rolls eyes*
--
SARAH: Thanks for bandaging my arm, Charley. *longing look*
CHARLEY: You're welcome *longing look*
DEREK: You two are creeping me out. PS - I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants.
--
SARAH: John we have to kill her. If a guard dog fools me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again. By the way, whose kitchen is this? Pancake mix. Awesome. You hungry?
JOHN: But I NEEEEEED her. She saved my life. I also really need a hair cut.
SARAH: Yeah well you're not getting your hair cut until you deal with your wacky cyborg.
JOHN: Fine! *crosses arms*
SARAH: I have an idea. Let's find an abandoned warehouse, wedge her between 2 cars and you can yank her chip out.
JOHN: Mom, how are we going to find an abandoned warehouse at this hour?
SARAH: Puh-lease, there's one in every town. You just have to look for a fire burning in an old oil drum. Come on.
JOHN: I'll drive.
SARAH: It's a stick.
JOHN: Nevermind.
--
*wedge* *chip removal*
JOHN: Now can I get my hair cut?
DEREK: John, give me that. We have to destroy her chip. She's a liar. She's twisted. I know her if you, uh, know what I mean *wink wink*
JOHN: No! *lights flare* Get back before I burn you or something!
DEREK: Hey... nephew... buddy... put the flare down. Who took you to see your 5-year-old daddy? Me. And that was good ice cream, right?
JOHN: No. I don't wanna put the flare down. It's time for me to be a badass on my own terms. It's time for me to live my life.
SARAH: John give me that. If you're going to be a badass, you're going to have to learn to use a handgun. Here take my Glock, I have 16 more. Now aim the sights at your uncle and when you're ready, exhale slowly and squeeze the trigger, don't pull it.
JOHN: *pop pop pop pop* Ouch.
CHARLEY: Ouch.
SARAH: Ouch.
DEREK: Ouch.
SARAH: Well, we need to work on your aim. Put Cameron's chip back in and let's go back to that house we found and make some pancakes.
CHARLEY: You people are nuts. I'm outta here.
--
SARAH: John! Your pancakes are getting cold! I think I like this new house, I'm moving in.
JOHN: Hey, an electric razor. *buzzzzzzzz* Dayam! I look GOOOOOOOOOOOD with short hair. I'll bet I can get me a girlfriend next week. I hate this new house. I'm moving out.
SARAH: What the hell did you do to your hair? You're not even the John I know anymore.
CAMERON: He's the John I know.
SARAH: *rolls eyes*
SARAH VO: If I ever get my hands on a time machine, I'm sending John to live with his father for while.
Fade Out.
*boom*
SARAH: That's odd. I didn't tell Cameron to get exploding candles for the cake... Sarakissian, what are you doing here? Ever heard of knocking? By the way, um, do you have The Turk by any chance? Ouch. Hey! It was Derek that dragged your little girl into that alley, not me. Ouch.
SARKISSIAN: *Choke*
JOHN: Leave my mom alone. *Kick*
SARAH: Cameron where the hell have you been? And why are you pointing a gun at John?
CAMERON: I must kill John Connor. I must kill John Connor. I must kill....
SARAH: John you better get out of here fast.
JOHN: *window crash* *Tumble* *Thud* Ouch.
*Spontaneous house combustion* (old wiring, you know - shorted out by one too many hot water heaters)
--
JOHN: Hey there's Cameron in the canal. Run her down!
SARAH: Damn. Missed. Whoa! *crash* *roll* John run!
CAMERON: *stomp*
SARAH: Ouch.
JOHN: Yo Cam! Leave my mom alone!
*chasing-n-running-n-car theft-n-stuff*
SARAH: Nice minivan. Hmm... I wonder if Charley would like it. We'd have room for more kids. And I could kill Michelle easy - mad combat skillz. No no no. Human life is valuable and all that. Damn.
JOHN: Mom quit daydreaming. Look out!
SARAH: *crash* Ouch. *run*
JOHN: Ouch. *run*
JOHN: Cameron doesn't have a soul and she never will. She'll never think to go in a chapel. Hey a HUGE neon crucifix. What a coincidence - I'm a savior, he's a savior... I'll electrify it just in case Cam shows up.
--
DEREK: I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants don't I?
CHARLEY: Let me put it this way, I've beheld worse. Hey what's that hard drive in your hand and where's Sarah?
DEREK: This thing? It belonged to the boss of the guy I killed and it's hopefully going to help us find the thing the other guy I killed made before it gets angry and kills people. BTW, you're a liability. I might kill you later. Also I think I had too much coffee today. Do you happen to have any C4 on you? And Sarah's long gone man. No use looking for her. She could be a few blocks away by now.
*radio static* car accident a few blocks away *radio static*
CHARLEY: Let's go. Hey there's that very scary robot heading into a chapel. Let's ask her if she knows where Sarah and John are.
--
CAMERON: *zap* Do you believe in Jesus?
SARAH: *rolls eyes*
--
SARAH: Thanks for bandaging my arm, Charley. *longing look*
CHARLEY: You're welcome *longing look*
DEREK: You two are creeping me out. PS - I look GOOOOOOOD in these fireman's pants.
--
SARAH: John we have to kill her. If a guard dog fools me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again. By the way, whose kitchen is this? Pancake mix. Awesome. You hungry?
JOHN: But I NEEEEEED her. She saved my life. I also really need a hair cut.
SARAH: Yeah well you're not getting your hair cut until you deal with your wacky cyborg.
JOHN: Fine! *crosses arms*
SARAH: I have an idea. Let's find an abandoned warehouse, wedge her between 2 cars and you can yank her chip out.
JOHN: Mom, how are we going to find an abandoned warehouse at this hour?
SARAH: Puh-lease, there's one in every town. You just have to look for a fire burning in an old oil drum. Come on.
JOHN: I'll drive.
SARAH: It's a stick.
JOHN: Nevermind.
--
*wedge* *chip removal*
JOHN: Now can I get my hair cut?
DEREK: John, give me that. We have to destroy her chip. She's a liar. She's twisted. I know her if you, uh, know what I mean *wink wink*
JOHN: No! *lights flare* Get back before I burn you or something!
DEREK: Hey... nephew... buddy... put the flare down. Who took you to see your 5-year-old daddy? Me. And that was good ice cream, right?
JOHN: No. I don't wanna put the flare down. It's time for me to be a badass on my own terms. It's time for me to live my life.
SARAH: John give me that. If you're going to be a badass, you're going to have to learn to use a handgun. Here take my Glock, I have 16 more. Now aim the sights at your uncle and when you're ready, exhale slowly and squeeze the trigger, don't pull it.
JOHN: *pop pop pop pop* Ouch.
CHARLEY: Ouch.
SARAH: Ouch.
DEREK: Ouch.
SARAH: Well, we need to work on your aim. Put Cameron's chip back in and let's go back to that house we found and make some pancakes.
CHARLEY: You people are nuts. I'm outta here.
--
SARAH: John! Your pancakes are getting cold! I think I like this new house, I'm moving in.
JOHN: Hey, an electric razor. *buzzzzzzzz* Dayam! I look GOOOOOOOOOOOD with short hair. I'll bet I can get me a girlfriend next week. I hate this new house. I'm moving out.
SARAH: What the hell did you do to your hair? You're not even the John I know anymore.
CAMERON: He's the John I know.
SARAH: *rolls eyes*
SARAH VO: If I ever get my hands on a time machine, I'm sending John to live with his father for while.
Fade Out.