Poem

[robogoddess]

So I have to write a poem for Creative Writing. And since my group won't give good feedback, I present to you ...

The ConcertSweaty palms leave traces on my thighs, as

Comments

[mortaine]

The enjambment in the first two lines remind me of "We So Cool," by Gwendolyn Brooks, but then the poem shifts to an unenjambed line, then an enjambed one-- it breaks the rhythm. Is that deliberate? Are you aiming for a disjointed, similar to the warmup noodling you hear in an orchestra before a performance

[ninjunkie21]

This will so not be as good as mortaine's post...

But it leaves me breathless, wanting more. Like the beginning is like kind of fluttering, almost like two naive virgins trying to get busy with it. You don't know what it's about until about a third way through, then it feels rushed. The end feels false, like there's more... It leaves me wanting more, almost breathless after the beginning.

I don't know if this is what you're going for, but that's how it feels to me. Hope it helps.