The letters I will never send.
August 25, 2011
8:25PM
Hi, I’m back again. I’ve been loaded with school works and stuff that is why it took me a while to write again here in this virtual diary of mine.
I wonder how you are doing right now.
As I stare at the poster hanged on my wall with a picture of you, I kept on thinking of you right now. I don’t know, I just had this feeling.
Did you know last week, I watched several videos of you with Goo Hara of KARA (the King of Idol thingy) and you with Yoona of SNSD? And my reaction: I was..hurt. While watching those videos, there’s this great pang which I felt that stroked through my chest and I was near to crying.
Again, some might find this creepy of me, but as I’ve said, I’m just speaking my heart out here.
I like Yoona, she’s pretty, funny, sexy and she probably has all the perfect flaws a girl could have. I really idolize her so much because I am a SNSD fan myself.
And I find her very lucky, because, the fact that she has an impact in your life.
That’s right - I watched those evidences of you guys being together, the sweetness caught on camera and at the backstage.. And what made me hurt the most is the rumour where you dedicated your song ‘Y’ to her.
That song, those lyrics.. Honestly when I first heard it, it made me cry that I could really feel your pain while composing it. I read the translation, and it was so heart-breaking for me to know that you’re in pain. It hurts me that you’re hurting. Just the thought of you being hurt because of loving that person so much makes my heart in great amount of pain.
And I just wish… I was that girl. Because she’s so lucky to have you in her life.
I wish I was that girl whom you love so much, because I promise you, if I were that girl, I would not put you into this kind of pain. I will not leave you, nor abandon you ; I will understand every situations you have in your life and I will try my very best to adjust my life for you. I know you are a star - a star that is loved by many, a star that is beyond precious. And I promise you, if ever I were to be given a chance to be that girl whom you love, I will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I will love and cherish you, treasure every moment we have as a couple, take care of you every single day, be there beside you all the time when you need my support, and make you happy like no other woman could ever do.
Please, don’t be in pain. Because it really hurts me so much to think that I couldn’t even do a single thing to mend your broken heart because I am far away from you. It hurts me that I couldn’t do anything to make you okay, to make you feel loved and secured, to make you happy.
I know, you don’t even know a person like me is existing here in this world. You don’t even know how much I love and support you, and you don’t even know my feelings for you. That is why I am sad, that I am just a nobody to you, while to me, you are almost my everything. You are my inspiration, you are my motivation. You make me strive hard in my studies; you push me to do better so that if I do, I could have the chance to go to your country and to see you in person. You make me happy when I am feeling down, and whenever I think of you, I say to myself, “I have to keep going because I want to confess my love for this person.”
But… You don’t know that.
It saddens me a lot, because you might think that I am just a typical college student who’s an ELF/fangirl with a typical love for her idol.
But trust me, you are wrong.
Nobody can ever measure and judge the kind of love I am feeling for you except for me.
I don’t see you as an idol that’s unreachable, Aiden Lee. I see you as a person whom is just within my reach.
With all my heart, this is what I actually feel for you.
I don’t see you as an idol who’s big enough, or an actor that is just for the dramas or films, or a singer that is just meant to be for singing, or a dancer that is just meant for dancing. I see you as a person, a normal human being with normal feelings.
It’s like, in a sea of people, there was only you whom I could see.
And I hope someday, when you see me, you’d feel the same way, too.
But every time I hear the song ‘Y’, every time I watch your videos with Yoona, I feel as though, you’re slowly getting farther from beyond my reach.
And then I start to lose hopes of me being able to reach you someday.
Because… You’re in love with somebody else. You’re so much in love with her.
And I could hear your love being expressed in that song.
The thought of that hurts me, because I am in love with the man who is madly in love with someone else.
I am in love with the man whom I cannot have.
Yeah, my sister always said that I have to face the cold reality; that you are a star, and I am just a normal person. She says I’m delusional and desperate for being like this.
But honestly, she doesn’t understand anything.
She doesn’t understand how I feel.
Maybe, some of you who are reading this might also think that way, but just stop and think and try to put yourselves in my shoes.
Isn’t one-sided love the kind of love which hurts the most?
I’m sure some of you could relate: Think of your long-time crush, or the love of your life for several years whom you know you cannot have because he’s in love with someone else.
It hurts, right?
That’s just somehow the same as to what I am feeling… Only thing is that, mine is much worse because he is a big star and I am just a simple girl living in a simple world.
He is 8 years my senior, he’s Korean and I am a Filipina. He’s all sorts of handsome, like what you could read in fairytales, he’s that kind of prince charming every woman wants to have. I am just a college student, with normal looks, normal way of living, normal teenager.
You would think it’s really impossible, right?
But the things which motivate me are, FAITH AND LOVE.
I have faith. I always pray to the Lord that, I really want to meet him someday and confess my love for him. I always pray for his safety everytime he and his band are having a concert, I pray for his health, I pray for his guidance, I pray for his happiness.
I mean, I don’t know. Katie Holmes was a fan of Tom Cruise, too, right? She was really lucky to be able to marry the man of his dreams. Same as with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Catherine was a fan of him, right? Just look at them now. Douglas is way to old for Catherine, but they managed to get married.
These kinds of love stories in reality really motivates me. Nothing is really impossible. Just the thought of marrying the one you love, the one you think isn’t reachable, makes you happy, right?
Then, LOVE.
I just want you to know that, I love you more that you can imagine, and whatever will make you happy will make me happy, too. Even if it means that I have to sacrifice my feelings, even if it means that I have to accept the fact that you can’t be with me, even if it means that I will get hurt because you are with somebody else, I will accept all of it.
If the rumors were right, if you’re really with Yoona, then… I’d be happy for you.
Or if it’s not Yoona; if it’s with another girl whom the public does not know, then I’d be happy for you, still.
But just please… Promise me that you wouldn’t cry.
Promise that you wouldn’t get hurt just because of love.
You’re too precious for me, that it’s okay if I’m the one who’s hurting, but please… Don’t be in pain.
I want you happy all the time; and if you could assure this, then I’d be contented enough.
You don’t deserve to suffer that much. You don’t deserve to get hurt.
If only I could just shoulder all the pains and sufferings and hardships that you’re going through in your life right now - all the stress in your work, being tired, not being able to rest, having love problems, having family problems, missing your dad so badly…
If only someone would just spare your sufferings and just give all of them to me.
That is how I love you.
It’s getting late now, and I have to rest a bit. I hope you would appear in my dreams again, and I hope in that dream, you would somehow notice me, in a sea of people.
I hope you would somehow manage to know me in my dreams, and then, given a chance to be with you, I’d do everything just to keep you away from getting hurt.
If only it could be real someday.
If only.
8:25PM
Hi, I’m back again. I’ve been loaded with school works and stuff that is why it took me a while to write again here in this virtual diary of mine.
I wonder how you are doing right now.
As I stare at the poster hanged on my wall with a picture of you, I kept on thinking of you right now. I don’t know, I just had this feeling.
Did you know last week, I watched several videos of you with Goo Hara of KARA (the King of Idol thingy) and you with Yoona of SNSD? And my reaction: I was..hurt. While watching those videos, there’s this great pang which I felt that stroked through my chest and I was near to crying.
Again, some might find this creepy of me, but as I’ve said, I’m just speaking my heart out here.
I like Yoona, she’s pretty, funny, sexy and she probably has all the perfect flaws a girl could have. I really idolize her so much because I am a SNSD fan myself.
And I find her very lucky, because, the fact that she has an impact in your life.
That’s right - I watched those evidences of you guys being together, the sweetness caught on camera and at the backstage.. And what made me hurt the most is the rumour where you dedicated your song ‘Y’ to her.
That song, those lyrics.. Honestly when I first heard it, it made me cry that I could really feel your pain while composing it. I read the translation, and it was so heart-breaking for me to know that you’re in pain. It hurts me that you’re hurting. Just the thought of you being hurt because of loving that person so much makes my heart in great amount of pain.
And I just wish… I was that girl. Because she’s so lucky to have you in her life.
I wish I was that girl whom you love so much, because I promise you, if I were that girl, I would not put you into this kind of pain. I will not leave you, nor abandon you ; I will understand every situations you have in your life and I will try my very best to adjust my life for you. I know you are a star - a star that is loved by many, a star that is beyond precious. And I promise you, if ever I were to be given a chance to be that girl whom you love, I will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I will love and cherish you, treasure every moment we have as a couple, take care of you every single day, be there beside you all the time when you need my support, and make you happy like no other woman could ever do.
Please, don’t be in pain. Because it really hurts me so much to think that I couldn’t even do a single thing to mend your broken heart because I am far away from you. It hurts me that I couldn’t do anything to make you okay, to make you feel loved and secured, to make you happy.
I know, you don’t even know a person like me is existing here in this world. You don’t even know how much I love and support you, and you don’t even know my feelings for you. That is why I am sad, that I am just a nobody to you, while to me, you are almost my everything. You are my inspiration, you are my motivation. You make me strive hard in my studies; you push me to do better so that if I do, I could have the chance to go to your country and to see you in person. You make me happy when I am feeling down, and whenever I think of you, I say to myself, “I have to keep going because I want to confess my love for this person.”
But… You don’t know that.
It saddens me a lot, because you might think that I am just a typical college student who’s an ELF/fangirl with a typical love for her idol.
But trust me, you are wrong.
Nobody can ever measure and judge the kind of love I am feeling for you except for me.
I don’t see you as an idol that’s unreachable, Aiden Lee. I see you as a person whom is just within my reach.
With all my heart, this is what I actually feel for you.
I don’t see you as an idol who’s big enough, or an actor that is just for the dramas or films, or a singer that is just meant to be for singing, or a dancer that is just meant for dancing. I see you as a person, a normal human being with normal feelings.
It’s like, in a sea of people, there was only you whom I could see.
And I hope someday, when you see me, you’d feel the same way, too.
But every time I hear the song ‘Y’, every time I watch your videos with Yoona, I feel as though, you’re slowly getting farther from beyond my reach.
And then I start to lose hopes of me being able to reach you someday.
Because… You’re in love with somebody else. You’re so much in love with her.
And I could hear your love being expressed in that song.
The thought of that hurts me, because I am in love with the man who is madly in love with someone else.
I am in love with the man whom I cannot have.
Yeah, my sister always said that I have to face the cold reality; that you are a star, and I am just a normal person. She says I’m delusional and desperate for being like this.
But honestly, she doesn’t understand anything.
She doesn’t understand how I feel.
Maybe, some of you who are reading this might also think that way, but just stop and think and try to put yourselves in my shoes.
Isn’t one-sided love the kind of love which hurts the most?
I’m sure some of you could relate: Think of your long-time crush, or the love of your life for several years whom you know you cannot have because he’s in love with someone else.
It hurts, right?
That’s just somehow the same as to what I am feeling… Only thing is that, mine is much worse because he is a big star and I am just a simple girl living in a simple world.
He is 8 years my senior, he’s Korean and I am a Filipina. He’s all sorts of handsome, like what you could read in fairytales, he’s that kind of prince charming every woman wants to have. I am just a college student, with normal looks, normal way of living, normal teenager.
You would think it’s really impossible, right?
But the things which motivate me are, FAITH AND LOVE.
I have faith. I always pray to the Lord that, I really want to meet him someday and confess my love for him. I always pray for his safety everytime he and his band are having a concert, I pray for his health, I pray for his guidance, I pray for his happiness.
I mean, I don’t know. Katie Holmes was a fan of Tom Cruise, too, right? She was really lucky to be able to marry the man of his dreams. Same as with Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas. Catherine was a fan of him, right? Just look at them now. Douglas is way to old for Catherine, but they managed to get married.
These kinds of love stories in reality really motivates me. Nothing is really impossible. Just the thought of marrying the one you love, the one you think isn’t reachable, makes you happy, right?
Then, LOVE.
I just want you to know that, I love you more that you can imagine, and whatever will make you happy will make me happy, too. Even if it means that I have to sacrifice my feelings, even if it means that I have to accept the fact that you can’t be with me, even if it means that I will get hurt because you are with somebody else, I will accept all of it.
If the rumors were right, if you’re really with Yoona, then… I’d be happy for you.
Or if it’s not Yoona; if it’s with another girl whom the public does not know, then I’d be happy for you, still.
But just please… Promise me that you wouldn’t cry.
Promise that you wouldn’t get hurt just because of love.
You’re too precious for me, that it’s okay if I’m the one who’s hurting, but please… Don’t be in pain.
I want you happy all the time; and if you could assure this, then I’d be contented enough.
You don’t deserve to suffer that much. You don’t deserve to get hurt.
If only I could just shoulder all the pains and sufferings and hardships that you’re going through in your life right now - all the stress in your work, being tired, not being able to rest, having love problems, having family problems, missing your dad so badly…
If only someone would just spare your sufferings and just give all of them to me.
That is how I love you.
It’s getting late now, and I have to rest a bit. I hope you would appear in my dreams again, and I hope in that dream, you would somehow notice me, in a sea of people.
I hope you would somehow manage to know me in my dreams, and then, given a chance to be with you, I’d do everything just to keep you away from getting hurt.
If only it could be real someday.
If only.