The letters I will never send.
August 20, 2011
10:52 PM
NOTE: I'm sorry for the grammar. I'm too sleepy. -___________-
Hello. I've been thinking to write about you for a long time now, and now I've got the chance, I'll say what I wanna say and I want you to know that it's all from the heart.
I don't know where it all started.
I just found myself slowly falling into you.
So, it all started last 2009, when I was still an avid fan of jpop, then somehow my heart told me to try the kpop fandom -- which, I did, actually. And I ended up flailing after Big Bang, which is my first kpop fandom ever, and then SHINee, and then 2ne1, and so on and so forth. One of the last fandoms I entered was your group -- Super Junior.
At first, I thought I wasn't gonna able to memorize and to know all of you guys, I thought I wasn't gonna be your fan. But then when I've learned about the Super Show 2 concert that's gonna happen here in the Philippines, my heart had a sudden thought again, and that is to watch this concert no matter what. So I started knowing you guys for a week, know all of your songs, watched your music videos, watched your variety shows and stuff, and gathered as much information as possible.
The first one that caught my attention was your hyung, Kim Heechul. He was my first bias in your group because I see my jpop bias, Kamenashi Kazuya, in him. I don't know, every picture of him reminds me of Kazuya. Every stare he does reminds me of Kazuya. But then, as I got to know him more, I realized that he was very diffrent from Kazuya. He had this utterly weird and complicated personality -- although I find it cute and funny, though. But Heechul don't seemed to be much of a boyfriend material and a bias material for me.
And so, as I was craving for a boyfriend/bias material, I stumbled upon another member of your group, Choi Siwon. What I liked about him is that, he's a devoted Christian, and it really turned me on because he is very God-fearing and a religious person. I want a guy who's devoted to the Lord. Then, the perfect body he had. The way he acts, he does things.. And him being a good athlete and the ace of Super Junior. I was hooked for quite some time, but then I realized, he was too manly for me, and it was awkward for me, since I imagine him hugging me and I end up with a broken spinal cord because of my fragile body. He's too big for me, I can say. He's too masculine, and he's very much the marrying type. But then again, I want a guy who's kinda suitable for my age, who could share the same sense of humor like I had, who could play stupid with me, share jokes with me, can laugh with me, and someone whom I know I can be comfortable with.
And that is when you came into the picture.
I don't know, what kind of lightning stuck me, I don't seem to remember. Was it because of Super Show 2, that I became to notice you, dancing sexily with the your song, Beautiful? Was it because, after watching an interview of you crying over your father, that I felt that intense pain you're feeling, and that it seemed like you shared the pain that you experienced with me? Was it because you started off looking like a 3-year old kid and then after some time, I finally noticed you because you're now becoming like a dashing prince charming whom I imagined in fairytales and novels? Was it because of your voice that whenever I hear it, I could feel butterlies fluttering in my stomach?
I honestly don't know where my feelings for you grew like this.
Now I feel like a stupid girl who's inlove with a man whom she'll never, ever have.
This is my first time making this, virtual diary thingy. Because I've neglected my livejournal for the past few months, I decided to make this site my own personal diary, and whenever I feel like pouring my heart out, I will just automatically click this and write stuff about what I am feeling right now. Did you know that, Kazuya has been my bias for the past 3 years and a half, but I have never written a single diary entry about him? I don't know.. Maybe because, I keep on praying for him every night, I keep on sending all my feelings through God, whom I've been talking to every single night.
Now my attention has been alotted to you.
Lee Donghae. Korean. Born October 15, 1986. English name: Aiden Lee. Super Junior Member. Known as " fishy ". Knows how to play the piano and guitar a little. Played a role in the drama, It's Okay daddy's girl. Has been linked to a number of females, namely Goo Hye Sun, Im Yoona, Jessica Jung, Ariel Lin. A good oppa, hyung, hoobae, sunbae, son, person.
Basically, this is all I know about you.
But honestly, I want to know more about you, Aiden. Yes, I have been calling you Aiden Lee for some time now, because I'm very fond of your english name and it makes me think that you're just within my reach.
Actually, I never thought for once that my biases are plain idols, or stars, or something that's unreachable. I treat them as real people, with real, genuine feelings. For example, Kazuya. I'm sorry if I keep on giving him as an example, though. But hell, no one will ever know how painful it is to love this guy.
You know, from what I remember, I always imagine to myself that Kame was always beside me. Yes, all the time. He's in my dreams, he's the first person I think of and say "good morning, Kame. I'm going to school." when I wake up, the only inspiration that I cherish so much. Did you know that, I always tell to myself, that right after I graduate from college, I imagine myself getting a job in Japan and finally be able to meet him in a street? My life was, kind of, planned because of him. I was freaking serious when I say, "that guy, someday, will going to be my husband." I even learned how to play baseball because of him. I supported him even though he was far from me, and I cry whenever he had these scandals and stuff. Really, you'd think I'm insane, but I did these things, more than what you can imagine.
But now, I think I'm having a complicated feeling, like these dreams I have.. I want to spend it with you.
You were my exact ideal type. The feeling that I have for you right now was the exact feeling I felt for Kame before. You were a boyfriend material for me, I could even picture us walking together holding hands at the park, not caring for all those people staring at us. I could imagine myself smiling, resting my head on your shoulder as you kiss my forehead and squeezed my hand tightly. I could imagine us watching movies together, eating at the nearest store full of street foods, sharing a great amount of laughter, being there whenever one of us breaks down or sobs, embracing each other, sharing a bed together, sleeping comfortably in each other's arms. I could imagine all of these fluffy, romantic things -- and much, much more -- with you.
I don't know why, but just the thought of these things makes me happy.
But, sadly.. I became of the realization that, you love someone else. It says so in your composed song, Y. The lyrics even broke my heart, it made me into tears upon hearing it. I could feel your pain, Aiden. I really do. I could feel your love towards that girl whom you're referring to in the song. And it makes me sad to think that, you are in love with someone else. What's more saddening is that, you're hurting because you love that girl so much, and it makes me cry knowing that you're hurt. I don't ever want you hurt, or cry, of feel pain. I love you so much, just thinking about your sufferings make me suffer, too.
There are too many words that I want to say, these feelings wanting to burst out from the depths of my chest. There are so many things I wanted to say, but right now, I will say them one by one. I know this is long enough, and creepy for some.. But I wouldn't care. After all, I'm just a stupid girl who's been inlove with a man whom I can't have, and that's what's making me sad.
I hope you're sleeping soundly already. Please have a good rest. Take care of your health, take care of yourself. Right now, I will just imagine all by myself again, that you're beside me, sleeping peacefully. If only I could touch your delicate face and kiss your cheeks goodnight, I would do it.
Until here, saranghaeyo. I love you, don't forget that.
10:52 PM
NOTE: I'm sorry for the grammar. I'm too sleepy. -___________-
Hello. I've been thinking to write about you for a long time now, and now I've got the chance, I'll say what I wanna say and I want you to know that it's all from the heart.
I don't know where it all started.
I just found myself slowly falling into you.
So, it all started last 2009, when I was still an avid fan of jpop, then somehow my heart told me to try the kpop fandom -- which, I did, actually. And I ended up flailing after Big Bang, which is my first kpop fandom ever, and then SHINee, and then 2ne1, and so on and so forth. One of the last fandoms I entered was your group -- Super Junior.
At first, I thought I wasn't gonna able to memorize and to know all of you guys, I thought I wasn't gonna be your fan. But then when I've learned about the Super Show 2 concert that's gonna happen here in the Philippines, my heart had a sudden thought again, and that is to watch this concert no matter what. So I started knowing you guys for a week, know all of your songs, watched your music videos, watched your variety shows and stuff, and gathered as much information as possible.
The first one that caught my attention was your hyung, Kim Heechul. He was my first bias in your group because I see my jpop bias, Kamenashi Kazuya, in him. I don't know, every picture of him reminds me of Kazuya. Every stare he does reminds me of Kazuya. But then, as I got to know him more, I realized that he was very diffrent from Kazuya. He had this utterly weird and complicated personality -- although I find it cute and funny, though. But Heechul don't seemed to be much of a boyfriend material and a bias material for me.
And so, as I was craving for a boyfriend/bias material, I stumbled upon another member of your group, Choi Siwon. What I liked about him is that, he's a devoted Christian, and it really turned me on because he is very God-fearing and a religious person. I want a guy who's devoted to the Lord. Then, the perfect body he had. The way he acts, he does things.. And him being a good athlete and the ace of Super Junior. I was hooked for quite some time, but then I realized, he was too manly for me, and it was awkward for me, since I imagine him hugging me and I end up with a broken spinal cord because of my fragile body. He's too big for me, I can say. He's too masculine, and he's very much the marrying type. But then again, I want a guy who's kinda suitable for my age, who could share the same sense of humor like I had, who could play stupid with me, share jokes with me, can laugh with me, and someone whom I know I can be comfortable with.
And that is when you came into the picture.
I don't know, what kind of lightning stuck me, I don't seem to remember. Was it because of Super Show 2, that I became to notice you, dancing sexily with the your song, Beautiful? Was it because, after watching an interview of you crying over your father, that I felt that intense pain you're feeling, and that it seemed like you shared the pain that you experienced with me? Was it because you started off looking like a 3-year old kid and then after some time, I finally noticed you because you're now becoming like a dashing prince charming whom I imagined in fairytales and novels? Was it because of your voice that whenever I hear it, I could feel butterlies fluttering in my stomach?
I honestly don't know where my feelings for you grew like this.
Now I feel like a stupid girl who's inlove with a man whom she'll never, ever have.
This is my first time making this, virtual diary thingy. Because I've neglected my livejournal for the past few months, I decided to make this site my own personal diary, and whenever I feel like pouring my heart out, I will just automatically click this and write stuff about what I am feeling right now. Did you know that, Kazuya has been my bias for the past 3 years and a half, but I have never written a single diary entry about him? I don't know.. Maybe because, I keep on praying for him every night, I keep on sending all my feelings through God, whom I've been talking to every single night.
Now my attention has been alotted to you.
Lee Donghae. Korean. Born October 15, 1986. English name: Aiden Lee. Super Junior Member. Known as " fishy ". Knows how to play the piano and guitar a little. Played a role in the drama, It's Okay daddy's girl. Has been linked to a number of females, namely Goo Hye Sun, Im Yoona, Jessica Jung, Ariel Lin. A good oppa, hyung, hoobae, sunbae, son, person.
Basically, this is all I know about you.
But honestly, I want to know more about you, Aiden. Yes, I have been calling you Aiden Lee for some time now, because I'm very fond of your english name and it makes me think that you're just within my reach.
Actually, I never thought for once that my biases are plain idols, or stars, or something that's unreachable. I treat them as real people, with real, genuine feelings. For example, Kazuya. I'm sorry if I keep on giving him as an example, though. But hell, no one will ever know how painful it is to love this guy.
You know, from what I remember, I always imagine to myself that Kame was always beside me. Yes, all the time. He's in my dreams, he's the first person I think of and say "good morning, Kame. I'm going to school." when I wake up, the only inspiration that I cherish so much. Did you know that, I always tell to myself, that right after I graduate from college, I imagine myself getting a job in Japan and finally be able to meet him in a street? My life was, kind of, planned because of him. I was freaking serious when I say, "that guy, someday, will going to be my husband." I even learned how to play baseball because of him. I supported him even though he was far from me, and I cry whenever he had these scandals and stuff. Really, you'd think I'm insane, but I did these things, more than what you can imagine.
But now, I think I'm having a complicated feeling, like these dreams I have.. I want to spend it with you.
You were my exact ideal type. The feeling that I have for you right now was the exact feeling I felt for Kame before. You were a boyfriend material for me, I could even picture us walking together holding hands at the park, not caring for all those people staring at us. I could imagine myself smiling, resting my head on your shoulder as you kiss my forehead and squeezed my hand tightly. I could imagine us watching movies together, eating at the nearest store full of street foods, sharing a great amount of laughter, being there whenever one of us breaks down or sobs, embracing each other, sharing a bed together, sleeping comfortably in each other's arms. I could imagine all of these fluffy, romantic things -- and much, much more -- with you.
I don't know why, but just the thought of these things makes me happy.
But, sadly.. I became of the realization that, you love someone else. It says so in your composed song, Y. The lyrics even broke my heart, it made me into tears upon hearing it. I could feel your pain, Aiden. I really do. I could feel your love towards that girl whom you're referring to in the song. And it makes me sad to think that, you are in love with someone else. What's more saddening is that, you're hurting because you love that girl so much, and it makes me cry knowing that you're hurt. I don't ever want you hurt, or cry, of feel pain. I love you so much, just thinking about your sufferings make me suffer, too.
There are too many words that I want to say, these feelings wanting to burst out from the depths of my chest. There are so many things I wanted to say, but right now, I will say them one by one. I know this is long enough, and creepy for some.. But I wouldn't care. After all, I'm just a stupid girl who's been inlove with a man whom I can't have, and that's what's making me sad.
I hope you're sleeping soundly already. Please have a good rest. Take care of your health, take care of yourself. Right now, I will just imagine all by myself again, that you're beside me, sleeping peacefully. If only I could touch your delicate face and kiss your cheeks goodnight, I would do it.
Until here, saranghaeyo. I love you, don't forget that.