Continua Part 1

[roamercorridors]

Title: Continua
Author: roamercorridors (roamer)
Artist: xarenna
Pairings: Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Gwaine, Arthur/Gwen, Gwen/Lancelot (implied)
Rating: NC-17
Word count: ~35k
Warnings: Infidelity, angst, dub-con, some slight non-con, sex magic, addiction, lots and lots of sex.
Summary: Modern AU with magic. Sex or die curse. They've had this arrangement for years now and it works. For Arthur, it's a duty, one he used to enjoy but doesn't anymore, and for Merlin, it's just something he has to do, like eating reasonably healthy food and getting enough sleep. The sex is part of their routines, a secret neither of them admits to anyone else, especially not to their partners. But maybe there is someone out there who can help them. And maybe, when faced with losing their connection, Merlin and Arthur start to rekindle a latent flame.

Masterpost

Arthur hovers over Merlin, shaky and so close. He thrusts again, deep and firm and slow, torn between wanting to come and making it last.

"Harder," Merlin murmurs, kissing at Arthur's mouth, all needy and wanting.

Arthur complies, setting a faster pace while Merlin reaches between them and fists himself, frantically tugging to get off. He likes to come first, likes to be relaxed to receive Arthur's orgasm, likes to feel it all through his body.

Merlin jolts, his body shuddering and he heaves out a breath before going pliant. Arthur stops moving and presses against him, ignoring the mess, because these few seconds are the only time he gets to enjoy Merlin, when he can pretend there's nothing wrong and that they're doing this because they want to. After a moment, Merlin starts to squirm and that's Arthur's cue to keep going, so he slides along Merlin's body as he pushes in and in. Arthur moves slowly at first, but then breaks and can no longer hold back. Merlin takes every harsh thrust, clenches around Arthur to try and bring on his climax. And it works, just like it always does, drives Arthur into a frenzy until he crests and comes, Merlin arching up in pleasure beneath him with a little groan of ecstasy escaping his lips.

Arthur flattens himself on top of Merlin, completely spent, and tries to catch his breath. He has to move, he knows that, but right now he's not sure he can.

Merlin comes back to himself and sighs, then mutters, "I have to get going."

"I know, just . . ." With a groan, Arthur pushes himself off Merlin and rolls to the side. He leans back in for a quick kiss and Merlin presses his lips to Arthur's, but it feels perfunctory, like a pat on the shoulder for a job well done.

"When can I see you again?" Merlin asks, even though he doesn't have to. Merlin does a lot of things like that, and Arthur tries not to notice it's because they have nothing else to talk about. He doesn't like thinking about how they're practically strangers now.

"Thursday night?"

"Okay. Here?"

"Yes. And I promise to feed you next time," Arthur adds, not liking how thin Merlin's arms are.

Merlin scoffs and climbs off the bed, begins picking up his clothes. "You don't have to feed me."

"You're very skinny. It's obvious you don't know how to look after yourself."

Merlin gives him a side-eye before pulling on his top roughly, annoyed. "I'll see you later," he says after he's dressed.

"Wait." Arthur clambers out of bed, still naked, and walks to Merlin, grabs his face and kisses him. "Don't be mad."

Merlin sighs. "I'm not. I'll see you Thursday." He leaves and the door clicks quietly behind him.

Arthur is left standing alone. He crosses his arms across his chest, feels the mess there and glances down, notices they've managed to get come all over his chain again. It's the sort of thing they would have laughed about before, but now . . .

Now things are getting worse between them.

He stares at the undecorated wall, absently noting how the flat always feels emptier after Merlin leaves. Arthur's used to that now, though, so he shrugs it off and goes to shower.

Gwen freezes beside Arthur. "Merlin? Oh my God, Merlin! It's been forever!"

Arthur looks ahead and it takes a moment but there he is, standing with some guy in queue at a little hole-in-the-wall sushi place. Merlin looks happy to see Gwen until he notices Arthur.

"Hi, Gwen. Arthur," he says, accepting the huge hug Gwen throws at him.

"And who's this, then?" Gwen asks, stepping back and eyeing the guy next to Merlin.

"Ah, this is-this is Gwaine. My boyfriend. Gwaine this is Gwen and Arthur-old friends. I used to work for Arthur."

"Right," Gwaine says, looking at Arthur with no trace of recognition. Boyfriend? Arthur thinks. "Pleasure to meet you." Gwaine leans forward, hand outstretched.

"And you." Arthur shakes his hand firmly before releasing it and stepping back beside Gwen. Gwaine is attractive, he supposes, though completely dishevelled. But maybe that's what Merlin is after.



"So," Gwen begins, looking at Merlin eagerly, "what are you doing now? Apart from dating beautiful men, of course."

Merlin glances at Gwaine and smiles. "Ah, nothing really."

"Nothing?"

"Merlin was retrenched a few weeks back," Gwaine explains.

"From Mercia?" Arthur asks.

"No, from another firm. I left Mercia a couple of years ago."

"Oh. I wasn't aware."

"The new job paid more, but now they're downsizing. I put my hand up to go. Thought I might go back to uni."

"University? Really?" Arthur asks, more than a little surprised.

"You could come back to Pennies!" Gwen says, face beaming. "Arthur's gone through three assistants in the last year - I'm sure there's room for you." She turns to Arthur with an excited grin, fully expecting him to be as pleased with the idea as she is.

Arthur can't object. Merlin was the best assistant he'd ever had and Gwen knows it; she'd get suspicious if he said otherwise. So he clears his throat. "You could, you know."

Merlin looks askance. "I don't know. Bit sick of PA-ing, to be honest."

"Well, what about part time? Surely you'll need something while you study?" Gwen persists.

"I guess." Merlin's eyes flick nervously to Arthur's, checking his reaction.

"They would love to have you back, Merlin. Someone needs to keep Arthur's ego in line."

"Ha, yeah. Well. I'll think about it."

"Wonderful!" Gwen says, under the impression she's gotten her way. Arthur doubts it. There was a reason Merlin left the first time, after all. She smiles warmly at Merlin before perking up. "You should join us," she says. "For lunch, I mean. Have you eaten?"

"Not yet," Gwaine says, frowning at how the queue for sushi is now twice as long.

Arthur doesn't know if he can hold it together for an entire meal. "We only reserved for two, Gwen-"

"So I'll call them. They won't say no to a Pendragon." She pulls out her phone and looks up the restaurant's number.

"Arthur Pendragon?" Gwaine says, surprised. "As in Pendragon Bank?"

"Well, yes," Arthur says, waiting for any number of reactions. As a general rule people hate banks, more so the people who run them.

But instead of some nasty remark, Gwaine's face quirks up. "You really call it Pennies?"

Merlin laughs and it tugs at Arthur's heart to see him so carefree.

"Gwen and Merlin did," Arthur replies. "Unfortunately it has spread somewhat amongst the staff."

"Pennies?" Gwaine asks Merlin disbelievingly, low and next to his ear. It's intimate, touching even. Merlin looks up into Gwaine's eyes and shares some unsaid words.

Gwen finishes speaking on her phone and places it back in her bag. "'No problem at all, Mrs Pendragon'. I told you, Arthur."

"Right. Well. I guess we should get going."

Gwen leads the way, and Gwaine and Merlin follow. Arthur frowns as Gwaine's hand finds Merlin's and he links their fingers together, the movement smooth and practised.

"So what do you do, Gwaine?"

"A bit of this, a bit of that. Mostly modelling now-photoshoots."

Gwen raises her eyebrows and laughs. "A model? Wow. Not that you don't look like one, because you do. It's just . . ."

"Why would he be dating me?" Merlin states blandly.

"No, Merlin, no. I didn't mean it like that."

And then Merlin laughs. "It's okay, Gwen. Honestly, it's a bit of an ongoing joke between us."

"The real question to ask is how he puts up with me."

Arthur picks up his wine and takes a deep sip. They're so familiar with each other and Arthur's curiosity is eating at him. Gwaine doesn't seem Merlin's type at all, and he's an obvious flirt.

"How long have you two been together?" Arthur asks.

"Almost two years," Gwaine says proudly, snaking his arm around the back of Merlin's chair.

"Two years?" Arthur repeats, a definite accusing edge to his voice that has Gwaine raising his brow. "Sorry, we just-we had no idea."

"Well, I think it's lovely," Gwen says, folding her hand over Arthur's. "It's wonderful to see you happy."

Merlin smiles and blushes and not once does he meet Arthur's eyes, and that's really starting to rile Arthur, the way Merlin is just avoiding him. Arthur drains the rest of his glass and taps at the stem while he waits for it to be refilled.

They eat and talk, and while Arthur is civil, pleasant even, on the inside he's uncomfortable. Two years, keeps echoing around his head. Merlin keeps smiling at Gwaine, keeps touching him. It takes Arthur almost the entire meal to realise he's not angry about Merlin and Gwaine, and as much as he thinks that at some point Merlin could have mentioned the fact he has a boyfriend, that isn't what's really bothering him either. He's feeling . . . abandoned. And the way Merlin and Gwaine are together, that's what he no longer has with Merlin, and he misses it.

Arthur excuses himself before he becomes too maudlin and escapes to the gents. He looks in the mirror and sees more wrinkles around his eyes, making him appear tired and old. This whole aging thing is really starting to leave marks, and yet, what has he got to show for it?

Maybe he is a little annoyed at Merlin, because he's still looking happy despite everything they've been through. Arthur used to be like that. He was the guy dating models, fucking them without a schedule. And now what is he? Where have all his sacrifices left him?

He sighs and turns the tap on to splash some water on his face, which is of course when Gwaine walks in.

Gwaine takes in Arthur's wet face and tired expression, and tentatively asks, "Are you okay?"

Arthur feels a brief pang of embarrassment at having been caught looking so vulnerable, but he's had years of experience at wearing a facade, so he quickly dons his now. He grabs some of the thick, soft paper towels and dabs at his face. "I'm fine," he says, letting his eyes travel over Gwaine's reflection in the mirror, appreciating his physique. Years ago, Arthur would have pulled Gwaine in an instant, no guilt, no ties. He misses casual sex.

"Are you and Merlin serious?" he asks, before thinking of how it could hurt Merlin. Or maybe because it could. Maybe he just wants to see if he can.

"Serious enough," Gwaine answers, eyes narrowed as he tries to figure out where Arthur is taking this.

"Exclusive?"

Gwaine scoffs, like he can't believe the audacity of Arthur. "We are. But even if we weren't . . . " he practically sneers as Arthur, clearly shows his disdain. "That's a really lovely lady you've got out there. Should consider yourself a lucky man, Arthur."

Arthur knows what it looks like, that he has this perfect little life and he's out there screwing around behind Gwen's back. But this guy-he has no idea. Not really.

"You gonna hang around, watch me take a piss?" Gwaine asks challengingly, turning to the urinal and unzipping his jeans.

Arthur ignores him and straightens his tie to the sound of Gwaine's stream before heading for the door.

"I need to get back to work," he says as soon he reaches their table, smoothly leaning in and kissing Gwen on the cheek. Merlin's eyes dart nervously towards the gents, seeking Gwaine.

"Oh, Arthur, surely you can cancel," Gwen says, looking sad but unsurprised.

"I have too much to do today, I'm afraid."

"Which is why you need to hire Merlin."

Arthur pauses. "Yes. Well. Maybe we can talk about that later?" He pulls out a business card for show and slides it across to Merlin. "Call me. I have Thursday afternoon free."

Merlin nods but doesn't speak. And then Gwaine is back and Arthur makes a show of shaking his hand before leaving, not letting himself consider the consequences of what he just did. He leaves the room looking composed and important. Like always.

On Thursday afternoon, Merlin bangs on the door.

"You hit on Gwaine!" Merlin yells as soon as Arthur has let him in.

Arthur casts a mournful look at the hot takeaways sitting on the table before shaking his head.

"Don't you dare deny it; he's not a liar."

Arthur hasn't seen this much emotion from Merlin in . . . years. It's unnerving, and Arthur is torn between wanting to ease him with words and provoking him just because it's better than the indifference. "I'm not-" he says, unsure of how to even explain what he did. "It just came out. I didn't really want to."

Merlin rolls his eyes. "Well isn't that great. You don't even want him-just want to mess with my life."

"That's not true. I was just . . . Why had you never mentioned him?" he asks. "Two years, Merlin."

"When Lancelot so much as looked at me, you had him transferred. As if I'd tell you anything after that."

And, whoa, that is not what happened, but Arthur isn't going to take the bait. Merlin doesn't know the whole story, and frankly, Arthur is far from inclined to tell him about it, so he gets back on the offensive.

"You didn't even tell me about your job."

"No-no I didn't. Because it's none of your business."

Arthur grits his teeth. "Only because you prefer it that way." He lets his words sink in, wants Merlin to realise it's his fault they are like this now. "I thought I meant something to you."

"You did." Arthur doesn't flinch at the past tense. He already knew, even if Merlin never said it out loud. "I just . . . I can't let the lines blur anymore." There's no apology in Merlin's voice and stupidly, that's what hurts more. It's like Merlin doesn't even want to pretend to like him now.

"Right," Arthur says, trying to compose himself. They're supposed to have sex now, but Arthur is quite certain neither of them wants to. He has to stall, has to give them time to come back from the brink, but all he can think about is how Merlin only gives a damn about his cocky Irish model.

And really, two years. That's longer than Arthur and Merlin dated. Gwaine and Merlin were out having lunch together, holding hands in full sight of the world. Only a handful of people had known when Arthur was dating Merlin, and even though they both kept it quiet because it wasn't seemly for Arthur to be dating his PA, there was a part of him that didn't want people to know, didn't want to have to deal with the stigma and the stereotypes.

Gwaine and Merlin are a proper couple, exactly what Merlin deserves, but it's eating away at Arthur because when it comes down to it, he doesn't like to share.

"So, two years?" Arthur pauses, finds the balls to ask what he really wants to know. "Does he . . . bare?"

Merlin doesn't pretend not to understand. "He's been tested-we both were." Arthur scowls to hide how much he didn't want that to be the answer, and Merlin follows with, "Just like when you and Gwen decided to." There's a sharp, spiteful edge to his words, like he's really saying 'you reap what you sow, arsehole'.

Arthur doesn't respond for a moment. He finds himself having to turn away, so Merlin can't see how much that comment hurts. He and Gwen still don't have any children, and all the tests show it's Arthur's fault. "Of course," Arthur says, then sits down because it's all a bit much.

Merlin must still be feeling mean though, because he presses on. "Plus, it was hard to explain to Gwaine why I was wet. Now I just make sure he fucks me before I come and see you."

Arthur knows he shouldn't say anything but his blood is starting to simmer and Merlin is being cruel and Arthur can't lash out, can't say the most hurtful things because of the stupid fucking curse. But there is absolutely no way he can fuck Merlin right now, not without punishing him.

"I think you should leave," he says instead.

Merlin doesn't argue and Arthur wonders if he wanted Arthur to say that-to make sure it's Arthur's fault this time. He glares at Arthur for a second, then quietly retrieves his rucksack and heads for the door.

It's petty, Arthur knows. Merlin will have to come and see him within a day, perhaps less. They've been through this dozens of times before and there is only ever one outcome.

But for now, it makes him feel in control. In a dirty, unpleasant way.

He throws away the food. It's a waste but he doesn't care.

The next morning, Arthur's contrite. It's been too long and Merlin hasn't called. Merlin can be damn stubborn when he wants to be, even when his life is at stake, so Arthur calls him.

"Hello."

He sounds awful and Arthur swears, hopes they haven't left it too long.

"I've cleared some free time this morning. Can you meet me at the flat at 10am?" It's still hours away but Merlin knows his limits.

There's a sigh on the other end. "Yes."

Merlin knocks on the door just a few minutes late. Arthur opens it and winces at the sight of Merlin, hunched and holding his stomach in pain. These are the times Arthur hates the most-when he's so scared of hurting Merlin more but has to do it anyway. He can't pretend it's not wrong when he has to do everything, when he has to lay Merlin down and take his clothes off and spread his thighs and loosen him, all while Merlin shakes and gasps for air, mere hours from death. It's why they agreed not to fight anymore, why they decided that whatever else, they can never let it get this far.

Arthur frigs himself hard with his sloppy lubed hand, pushes inside of Merlin, skin to skin because that's the only way it can work, and Merlin has tears in his eyes from the pain. Not from Arthur, but from the curse. The way it feels like it eats him from the inside with blunt teeth.

Arthur thrusts and it feels okay, nothing near enough to keep him hard, though, so he thinks of other times they've done this, better times, times when Merlin has wanted it. Thinks of what it was like before the curse, when they each had their free will and the sex was an expression of how they felt about each other. He thinks of how Merlin used to look when they were together, how much he used to want Arthur, the fierceness in his eyes when he would finally get Arthur alone.

The images in Arthur's mind when he comes are not of the sickly Merlin being jostled beneath him, but of a younger Merlin, fucking Arthur over his own desk and whispering dirty things in his ear.

"I'm sorry," he says, holding Merlin in his arms. Merlin has already stopped shaking, his breath is evening out. "You should have called," he can't help accusing.

"Sometimes . . ." Merlin says, quiet as a breath, "sometimes I need to know it's still there."

"Merlin's starting on Monday," Gwen announces as Arthur closes the front door. He takes off his coat and hangs it up carefully, biding his time to have the right reaction.

"Merlin. Really? He didn't sound interested when we spoke yesterday," he says. Not that they did talk about it. Arthur really didn't think it was necessary, although maybe he should have reminded Merlin about that.

"I may have talked him into it," she says. "You need someone and he really is the best. Plus, I think it would be good for you to have him back. You used to smile more."

Arthur frowns, then smiles weakly when he realises. He can't tell her that it's not a lack of Merlin that's made him more serious, less fun. It's the god-awful situation he's trapped in.

"He'll be Monday to Wednesday and I've promised him time off for his exams. Plus we have to stock his favourite hot chocolate in the tea room."

"I guess we can manage that," Arthur says, placing a small, seemingly grateful kiss on Gwen's forehead. "It will be wonderful to have him back." That's not true though. Arthur can see how this will play out, how stupid it is to put themselves back into this situation.

Gwen notices the tightness of his eyes belying his words, but she knows better than to say anything. "I'll make some tea."

On Monday, Arthur steps out of the lift and searches the floor for any sign of Merlin. It's barely past seven in the morning so it's unlikely he will be there, but Arthur doesn't want to take any chances. He walks to his office and lets himself in, then closes the door to block out the distant noise of a cleaner's vacuum. He pulls his laptop out of his briefcase and sets it up, then opens the document he was working on the night before.

It's an agreement, of sorts. Last time Merlin was his PA, back when they first got the curse, they didn't handle it very well, and Arthur, forever practical, is just trying to ensure that doesn't happen again. They have to have boundaries, and rules, and no one else can ever, ever know.

Merlin arrives ten minutes early and Arthur watches him smiling and waving to some of the other staff through the window. He's dressed better than he used to, and Arthur grimaces when he realises that's because Merlin now has Gwaine - a model - someone who knows something about style and fashion, and who Merlin is apparently willing to listen to.

Arthur is glaring when Merlin looks his way and that was not supposed to happen. He was supposed to be busy doing important things when Merlin arrived, not watching him from behind his desk. So Arthur stands up and goes to his door, pokes his head out and says, "Merlin?" like he's been waiting for him for hours.

There's definitely a smirk on Merlin's face and Arthur knows that when Merlin turns away, seemingly to say goodbye to the people he was talking to, what he's really doing is rolling his eyes. At least that hasn't changed.

"Hi," Merlin says, letting himself into Arthur's office and taking a seat. "Sorry about that, they all wanted to hear what I'd been up to."

"Nevermind," Arthur says. "We need to go over some things before you start." Merlin nods and Arthur turns the screen towards him. "Some conditions. I want to make sure we both know what we're doing this time."

Merlin's friendly smile disappears and his eyes dart from the screen back to Arthur, brow furrowed.

"It's nothing bad," Arthur tries to explain. "Just a few rules to protect us." He turns the screen back towards himself. "No 'meetings' at the office; 'meetings' to be kept to twice a week: Mondays and Thursdays; both partners must be present at work functions." He pauses, gestures towards the screen with his hand. "You can't possibly have a problem with any of this."

Merlin's mouth is a thin straight line. "I'm not an idiot," he says.

"And neither am I. Which is why I think we need to be more aware this time."

"Fine," Merlin says. "Do you want me to sign this?"

"God no," Arthur says. "I'm deleting the file. We have a verbal agreement and we both know what's expected." He doesn't explain why he needed to type it out, how he couldn't have put most of these into words. Not that Merlin doesn't already know those things.

"Will there be anything else?"

Arthur's annoyed by the formal tone, by the way Merlin's smile has vanished and been replaced with the coldness Arthur is already forced to see twice a week.

"Why did you come back?" he asks suddenly.

Merlin turns away. "Gwen asked me to," he says and although it looks like he might say more, he doesn't. It's okay, though. Just as Merlin knows things about Arthur, Arthur knows things about him. Merlin would never say no to Gwen. Not when her mere existence causes him endless guilt.

"Well, welcome back," he says. He'd offer his hand but he can't, so he settles for saying, "Let's get to work then."

Merlin stands and takes a moment to remember what it is he's supposed to do. "Coffee?" he asks.

"Thank you."

It could have gone worse, Arthur thinks as he watches Merlin stroll back through the office, smiling at everyone else. It could have gone a whole lot better, too.

By the end of the day, Merlin has spent at least four hours restructuring Arthur's calendar so it syncs to his phone and laptop and Merlin's calendar and George's, and there's no way Arthur is ever missing anything ever again. The system is perfectly efficient and he allows himself a deep breath and a snippet of contentment that Merlin is back and at least one part of his life will no longer be a shambles.

It's after six when Arthur thinks he actually needs to go and tell Merlin to stop for the day.

"I'm your PA, Arthur. I stop when you stop," Merlin replies with a weary smile.

"Right," Arthur agrees, even though that hasn't happened with any of his other PAs. And back before, he just thought Merlin was hanging around because he liked Arthur and was maybe having too much fun flirting. "Well, I'm stopping, so you should too."

"Thank God," Merlin says, shutting down his computer and yawning. He looks exhausted, and that's when it clicks for Arthur that today is Monday and Merlin needs . . . attending.

"Should we go straight to -" He stops and glances around, checking to see if anyone is within listening distance.

Merlin pauses and Arthur can see when he remembers, can see the way his face falls. "Um, I guess?" he says. "It will take me too long to go home and come back."

"And Gwaine won't mind?"

Merlin shrugs. "He thinks I go to N.A. I'll just text him that you made me work late."

"Right." Merlin starts to tap out a message to Gwaine, and Arthur ducks back into his office to gather his things, thinking how apt Merlin's cover is. Meetings are regular and anonymous, would only require a small sob story to be convincing. When he comes back, Merlin is ready.

They take the lift down together and walk straight to Arthur's car. Merlin takes public transport everywhere, so Arthur doesn't even bother asking about how Merlin will get home. Arthur unlocks his sleek black Merc and then slides into the driver's seat. He swears Merlin sighs a little as he snuggles into the passenger side, and it makes Arthur chuckle. For all Merlin's talk of waste and extreme consumerism, he has always enjoyed luxury.

Arthur drives to the flat automatically. He's rented it for years now, and Gwen knows nothing about it. He couldn't risk her popping in whenever she felt like it, and as much as he doesn't like keeping things from his wife, the flat has been lumped in the same basket as Merlin. A necessary lie. One he can ignore completely when he has to.

They pull into the underground parking lot and both get out of the car, straightening clothes and trying to look more comfortable than they are. It's been years since they've walked into the building together. Though Arthur does recall a time a couple of years back when they'd both been in the lift at the same time. It was so awkward, he's made sure to arrive early ever since.

In the lift, Arthur catches Merlin's eye and gives him a tight smile. It was supposed to lighten things up, be a bit comforting in a 'here we go again' way, but he really should never try for casual. It probably came across as resigned, and from the way Merlin stares up at the illuminated numbers counting up, he's certain Merlin took it that way.

When the lifts dings, they both breathe out and exit, then make their way to the flat which Arthur opens with practised ease.

"Drink?" he asks, taking off his jacket and hanging it inside the door.

"No. I can't stay long." Merlin takes off his own jacket, and then continues with his tie and shirt. When Arthur looks back up, Merlin has an eyebrow raised.

Arthur huffs but loosens his own tie and pulls it over his head.

When they stopped being intimate in all ways but this, they developed a bit of a system. It was the only way, really, because instigating sex without even the illusion of romance is difficult. They undress, and then Merlin heads to the bed and Arthur follows, climbing on after him and settling his body on top. Merlin will kiss him once they're like this, and only once they are like this. He kisses Arthur like he needs it, and his hands reach down and touch his balls, feeling their weight.

Merlin explained it once, said that when they are close like this, his need takes over. The curse makes him want Arthur, which is why he's able to go through with it, why he's able to touch and kiss until Arthur wants it too.

Arthur's cock nudges in between Merlin's thighs and Merlin pushes against it. He's not wet, not like he normally would be, and Arthur winces when he remembers what Merlin said about Gwaine. Perhaps he was blind, but Arthur had just assumed Merlin was being organised and getting himself ready beforehand. It made sense, because it made everything faster and more detached, exactly what Merlin wanted. Arthur never thought it was from fucking someone else.

"Wait," he says, holding Merlin back from trying to grind down on him. Arthur reaches for the bedside drawer, for the old bottle of lube that should be there, and tries to be fast-has to be fast. He slicks himself and finds Merlin's hole, starts to ease in until Merlin bears down. Arthur has to close his eyes and concentrate on Merlin's breath in his ear, has to think of this as getting off, nothing more.

Merlin moans and wraps his legs around Arthur, arches up into each thrust and mouths at any bit of skin he can get in contact with. Above him, Arthur works it. He isn't gentle, but Merlin doesn't like that anyway, so Arthur thrusts deep and hard and constant until Merlin's hand is between them and he's wanking to get off.

He comes with a groan and Arthur forgoes his usual moment of peace to keep slamming into Merlin. He hoists up Merlin's thighs and uses them as a brace that he pulls against. Merlin gets louder and it spurs Arthur on, makes him want to make Merlin come again. He wants-he wants to wrap his mouth around Merlin's sensitive dick and lick it clean and-

Arthur closes his eyes and focuses on himself, on how good it feels to be fucking. Fucking this body that's Gwaine's, and how Gwaine can never have all of it, because Merlin will always need Arthur. Will always need this-Arthur's dick and Arthur's come, and yeah, that does it. He leans against Merlin's knees as his cock pulses inside him, and then Merlin does his little kitten stretch and hums as his body absorbs Arthur's seed. Arthur pretends not to notice how adorable it looks.

Merlin opens his eyes and stares at Arthur. He doesn't say anything, but Arthur knows what he's thinking anyway. That was a good fuck.

They both get up and dress, and Arthur takes his last kiss before Merlin leaves. Merlin actually tilts his head to the side for it and Arthur can't help but smile because that's a nice change, too.

It's been three months and nothing has gone wrong. It quickly became apparent that three days wasn't enough, so Merlin has agreed to full time, for now. They've stuck to the rules and nobody has found out. Merlin is healthy and Arthur is going quietly insane.

Merlin knocks on Arthur's door all the time now, a clipped double rap that's clear but not too loud. Arthur hates it. It always startles him out of whatever he's doing and reminds him that it's Merlin on the other side of his door.

The thing is, Arthur never stopped being attracted to Merlin. Never stopped liking him in any way. If they'd never been cursed, Arthur thinks they'd still be together, openly, and they'd live together and spend their Christmases in Ealdor with Merlin's mother. He thinks about it too much, every time Merlin walks by in his tight business slacks and Arthur feels the loss so utterly.

It's a Wednesday when they first slip up.

Arthur's calendar has somehow reset the next month and he can't find any appointments, and he knows it's probably some stupid thing he pressed that Merlin can fix it in less than two seconds. He's frustrated and annoyed when he calls Merlin in.

"Can you fix it?" he snaps, pushing back from his desk and gesturing firmly with his hand at the three weeks in September where he apparently has nothing on.

Merlin laughs and bends forward over Arthur and grabs his mouse, starts moving it around. Arthur leans in, ready to be enlightened by whichever magical icon Merlin clicks that will instantaneously fix everything.

And that's when it happens.

Merlin tenses and his face turns to Arthur, and suddenly he's kissing along Arthur's jaw, like he's desperate for the contact and that's the closest bit of skin he can find. And Arthur-Arthur actually thinks that Merlin is doing this because he wants to, has spent weeks fantasising about something like this happening between them, and that's why he kisses back-aligns Merlin's face so that their lips are against each other, fervently sucking and licking and-

Merlin's hand reaches for Arthur's crotch, starts fumbling with his belt, and Arthur pulls away because they're in his office and people might see. And when Merlin doesn't pull away, when he chases after Arthur's mouth wanting more, Arthur has the crushing realisation that Merlin probably doesn't want this at all.

Merlin's maniacal gaze is fixed on Arthur because he needs it now, won't stop until he gets it. The curse has recognised its nurturer and until it is satisfied, Merlin-the real Merlin-is lost. There's only this man, driven by need, oblivious to everything else except Arthur and getting Arthur's seed. And this is why they can't be together anymore. It's sick, the way Merlin can't resist when Arthur gets too close, and now Arthur's angry because they both should have known better.

Arthur has to get Merlin out of his windowed office and somewhere private fast, before anyone notices him pawing like a sex-crazed junkie. There's no way they can walk back through to the lifts, so there really is only one place they can go.

"Not here," he says, blocking Merlin's hands, which go straight for his groin when he stands. "Jesus, just-not here!"

Arthur walks towards his bathroom, knowing Merlin will follow, and hoping like mad no one sees them or thinks anything of it if they do. For all they know, Merlin could be helping him pick a tie. At least, that's what Arthur tells himself as he closes and locks the door behind them.

When Arthur turns around, he winces at the sight of Merlin panting as he tugs at his belt and fly, trying to get everything undone quickly. It's awful when they have to do it like this-worse than when Merlin is barely conscious-because now, Merlin appears almost normal. It's just the crazed look in his eyes and the frantic motions that give it away. Arthur's always had the feeling Merlin gets that way because he's fighting against the curse, trying hard not to let it force him. And furious that he loses every time.

Arthur works his own trousers open and just as he's about to frig himself hard, Merlin gets down on his knees in front of him, takes Arthur's cock in his mouth and starts moaning around it as he begins to suck. It makes Arthur hard straight away, despite how ashamed he is at being turned on by curse-ridden Merlin gagging on his dick.

"Merlin," he says, tugging on his arm, "Merlin, come on, you know that's not how we should-"

But Merlin swats his hand away and Arthur is tempted, so tempted to just let him keep going. He hasn't had a blow job in well over a year, maybe two, and it feels so fucking good. He's tempted, but it's not what's best for Merlin. They know it works better when Arthur comes inside Merlin's arse, means Merlin can survive for longer without having it again. And after this, Arthur doubts Merlin will be eager for more soon.

So he pries Merlin off by firmly holding his shoulders and pulling his hips away.

"Bend over," he says, and Merlin stops resisting, even looks eager as he licks his lips and stands, chest heaving with need, then braces himself against the smooth vanity.

Arthur touches Merlin's hole and Merlin groans and pushes back, but he's dry and Arthur scrambles for something he can use for lube. There might be some in the cupboard, he thinks, probably out of date, because he hasn't had cause to use it in so long.

"Move," he says, and Merlin does. He gets a little shiver from Arthur's commands, like the curse enjoys being bossed around.

Arthur searches but all he can find are cleaning products. He swears because there's no way he can go and buy anything, not with Merlin writhing in such a needy way, moaning, "Now, Arthur, do it now." As Arthur spits on his fingers, he tells himself it will hurt less than Merlin's shame if he has to wait, but when he breaches Merlin, he finds him wet after all. With a faint sense of unease at how he could have missed it, Arthur starts to push in.

Merlin is always vocal, and this time is no different. Arthur needs to be fast but the little moans are freaking him out, scared they're going to be discovered, so he clamps his hand over Merlin's mouth and stares at his dick moving in and out of Merlin's body and thinks of every filthy and depraved thought he's ever had about Merlin's arse-

Arthur comes quickly and Merlin slumps down in front of him as his body relaxes from being fed. It only takes a moment for Merlin to return to himself, and when he does, he stands up, hunched and ashamed, and wraps his arms around his stomach as though to hide.

"That was stupid," he says, voice a little raspy.

Arthur is leaning against the wall behind Merlin, trousers still around his ankles. "Yes," he agrees, in between heavy breaths. He'd like to blame Merlin but Arthur was remiss too, forgot to keep the necessary one foot between them. "We have to be more careful."

Merlin turns around and pulls up his clothes, tries to tuck his shirt back in to its former pristine glory. "Can you tell?" he asks, shy and definitely embarrassed.

Arthur examines him. There's no evidence of sex, but Merlin always looks brighter after they fuck, healthier than normal people. Glowing almost. "You look . . . well," Arthur says, then focuses on getting dressed.

Arthur checks his reflection, straightens his tie, and then goes to open the door around Merlin. Only Merlin thinks something else and Arthur ends up with a misplaced kiss on his ear.

"Sorry-I thought," Merlin says, looking faintly horrified at himself.

"No-I-" Arthur always kisses Merlin after sex. Always. It's ironic in a way, the only time they can touch each other freely is straight after they've been forced too. The curse's hunger is satisfied and it doesn't make Merlin crave more. It's the secret part Arthur lets himself enjoy, because he can almost believe Merlin gives it of his own free will.

With a desperate sort of need, Arthur pulls Merlin into his arms and kisses him, deeply and with all the want he feels but can't act on. In his head he tells Merlin that he hates this, hates this so much, but he doesn't say it aloud. Putting it into words only makes it harder for them.

They pull apart with one last soft peck, and Merlin is staring at Arthur, the crease between his brows deep and troubled. Arthur looks away, clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair, before walking straight out of the bathroom and planting himself heavily in his chair.

Merlin follows a moment later and stands on the other side of the desk from Arthur. He awkwardly manoeuvres the mouse from his viewpoint and clears the screen saver, giving Arthur an uninterrupted view of September.

"It was supposed to be a surprise," Merlin says, weakly indicating the screen with his hand.

Arthur looks at the calendar and the three weeks with nothing booked and stares at it, knowing what Merlin means but unable to fathom how he could possibly have a holiday.

"Gwen requested it," Merlin continues, getting that look on his face like he makes himself sick.

"Three weeks," Arthur says, dumbly. "How? I can't-" There's a million reasons why he can't take time off-especially nothing of that length-and as he looks at Merlin, he realises the main one. "What about you?"

Merlin gives a sad, apologetic smile. "I told Gwen I'd still have to come and steal you for an hour or so twice a week-to keep you updated."

"Right," Arthur says, sitting down. He's not happy about this, can't imagine what Gwen is thinking. Until it clicks and he does. She probably thinks it's his job that's making him miserable. "I'm glad I found out now," he says, frowning at the screen.

Part 2