RP: Disappointment
Date: Sunday, July 9, 1998
Characters: Hermione Granger
Location: Hogwarts
Status: Private
Summary: Hermione's research continues
Completion: Complete
Being a disappointment to a favorite professor was nearly as bad as being a failure.
As Hermione left Professor Flitwick's office, she felt the weight on her shoulders increase as she kept seeing his expression when she quietly explained what she'd done. It hadn't been the fact that she somehow made a mistake with the charm or the fact that she couldn't fix it. No, he'd looked at her that way when she told him that she'd used the charm on her parents. There had been such an intense look of disappointment that she couldn't forget it, even when he'd looked sad and understanding. If the visit had given her an answer, it would have been worth seeing that expression on the professor's face.
The fact that he wasn't familiar with the charm had just made her feel worse, though, and she kept coming back to the look as he'd listened to her. A part of her had hoped that he'd know it well and be able to instantly tell her what had gone wrong. 'Might recognize it' had been what he said when she first showed him the book, but it was obviously something he had never done or seen performed.
It had been incredibly disappointing, to say the least. The reason she had gone to see him was because her research since returning from Australia had got her nowhere. All of her notes were accurate, and she couldn't find a mistake in any of her translations or documentation. She had looked at every word so closely, just wishing she could find the answer, but it had been for nothing. She hadn't found anything except confirmation that her notes weren't wrong.
Finally this morning, she had accepted the fact that she had to get help. Professor Flitwick was the only person she knew with an extensive knowledge of charms, and she trusted him because she knew he was a good man. Still, it had been very difficult to go to one of her favorite professors and tell him what she'd done. It wasn't really that she was ashamed of it, because, despite all the difficulties she was now having, she did feel it had been the best choice at the time, but it wasn't something she wanted people to know she'd done.
It made her feel she did when she realized her charms for DA had permanently scarred Marietta Edgecombe or when she realized that she had crossed a line she never intended to cross by keeping Rita Skeeter in a jar. At the time, those had been the best choice for the situations, but, after, she'd felt this same sense of guilt and disgust with herself. The idea of people judging her without knowing everything or being able to understand was just something she wanted to avoid. She could judge herself harshly enough, after all.
Everything had a price. In the past, she had been too immature to really understand that or maybe it had been easy to accept it and move on because there had been so much happening. Now, though, there weren't distractions of Voldemort and possible death to keep her mind focused elsewhere. She had failed her parents, failed herself. There wasn't any way to avoid the truth, and it was more difficult than she'd have expected to accept it.
In the last forty-eight hours, she had often found herself wishing that she was able to lie and believe it, that she could blame it on the book or her new wand, that she'd wake up and find that this had just been a bad nightmare. That wasn't her, though, and there was no way she could just pretend that her choices had been good and just and that this current situation wasn't her responsibility. It was, and no amount of lies or blame changed that.
All she could do was try to deal with it as best she could while searching for a solution. She had swallowed her pride to enlist Flitwick's help, and he had agreed to look into the charm for her to see if he could find a flaw in her notes. For once, she would love to have made a silly mistake if it meant she could go to Australia and fix her parents.
Until he had time to research it, though, she was left with nothing to do to help, and that's the part that was most frustrating as she left the castle. How could she just sit by and wait when there was something this important that needed resolved? Not even her earlier excitement at receiving an owl regarding NEWTs was enough to get her mind off what had happened in Australia. It was impossible to think about working on H.E.R.O. or worrying about her future without NEWTs or finding a job when this wasn't resolved yet and her parents still thought she was a stranger intending to harm them.
Focusing on anything else seemed incredibly unlikely at the moment. Her emotions were heightened and her moods seemed to mostly be sadness or frustration since Thursday, but she was trying to focus and be strong. However, that was so difficult to do when she just wanted to sit and cry. It wasn't as if she hadn't cried since that morning. There had been tears, a lot of tears because she was just the type that had to let it out sometimes, but she hadn't allowed herself to stop working because self-pity didn't help anything anymore than guilt really did.
She couldn't help the guilt, so she just had to do her best to get through this without breaking. When it was all over, when Flitwick figured out what she could do to fix it and her parents finally remembered, then maybe she'd be able to appreciate the fact that she hadn't given up and had tried her best to stay strong.
Characters: Hermione Granger
Location: Hogwarts
Status: Private
Summary: Hermione's research continues
Completion: Complete
Being a disappointment to a favorite professor was nearly as bad as being a failure.
As Hermione left Professor Flitwick's office, she felt the weight on her shoulders increase as she kept seeing his expression when she quietly explained what she'd done. It hadn't been the fact that she somehow made a mistake with the charm or the fact that she couldn't fix it. No, he'd looked at her that way when she told him that she'd used the charm on her parents. There had been such an intense look of disappointment that she couldn't forget it, even when he'd looked sad and understanding. If the visit had given her an answer, it would have been worth seeing that expression on the professor's face.
The fact that he wasn't familiar with the charm had just made her feel worse, though, and she kept coming back to the look as he'd listened to her. A part of her had hoped that he'd know it well and be able to instantly tell her what had gone wrong. 'Might recognize it' had been what he said when she first showed him the book, but it was obviously something he had never done or seen performed.
It had been incredibly disappointing, to say the least. The reason she had gone to see him was because her research since returning from Australia had got her nowhere. All of her notes were accurate, and she couldn't find a mistake in any of her translations or documentation. She had looked at every word so closely, just wishing she could find the answer, but it had been for nothing. She hadn't found anything except confirmation that her notes weren't wrong.
Finally this morning, she had accepted the fact that she had to get help. Professor Flitwick was the only person she knew with an extensive knowledge of charms, and she trusted him because she knew he was a good man. Still, it had been very difficult to go to one of her favorite professors and tell him what she'd done. It wasn't really that she was ashamed of it, because, despite all the difficulties she was now having, she did feel it had been the best choice at the time, but it wasn't something she wanted people to know she'd done.
It made her feel she did when she realized her charms for DA had permanently scarred Marietta Edgecombe or when she realized that she had crossed a line she never intended to cross by keeping Rita Skeeter in a jar. At the time, those had been the best choice for the situations, but, after, she'd felt this same sense of guilt and disgust with herself. The idea of people judging her without knowing everything or being able to understand was just something she wanted to avoid. She could judge herself harshly enough, after all.
Everything had a price. In the past, she had been too immature to really understand that or maybe it had been easy to accept it and move on because there had been so much happening. Now, though, there weren't distractions of Voldemort and possible death to keep her mind focused elsewhere. She had failed her parents, failed herself. There wasn't any way to avoid the truth, and it was more difficult than she'd have expected to accept it.
In the last forty-eight hours, she had often found herself wishing that she was able to lie and believe it, that she could blame it on the book or her new wand, that she'd wake up and find that this had just been a bad nightmare. That wasn't her, though, and there was no way she could just pretend that her choices had been good and just and that this current situation wasn't her responsibility. It was, and no amount of lies or blame changed that.
All she could do was try to deal with it as best she could while searching for a solution. She had swallowed her pride to enlist Flitwick's help, and he had agreed to look into the charm for her to see if he could find a flaw in her notes. For once, she would love to have made a silly mistake if it meant she could go to Australia and fix her parents.
Until he had time to research it, though, she was left with nothing to do to help, and that's the part that was most frustrating as she left the castle. How could she just sit by and wait when there was something this important that needed resolved? Not even her earlier excitement at receiving an owl regarding NEWTs was enough to get her mind off what had happened in Australia. It was impossible to think about working on H.E.R.O. or worrying about her future without NEWTs or finding a job when this wasn't resolved yet and her parents still thought she was a stranger intending to harm them.
Focusing on anything else seemed incredibly unlikely at the moment. Her emotions were heightened and her moods seemed to mostly be sadness or frustration since Thursday, but she was trying to focus and be strong. However, that was so difficult to do when she just wanted to sit and cry. It wasn't as if she hadn't cried since that morning. There had been tears, a lot of tears because she was just the type that had to let it out sometimes, but she hadn't allowed herself to stop working because self-pity didn't help anything anymore than guilt really did.
She couldn't help the guilt, so she just had to do her best to get through this without breaking. When it was all over, when Flitwick figured out what she could do to fix it and her parents finally remembered, then maybe she'd be able to appreciate the fact that she hadn't given up and had tried her best to stay strong.