[personal log - password protected]
/begin recording.
Um. I don't really do these personal logs... Never felt like I had good reason, or got anything out of it. And now I have my LiveJournal if I just need to say something and don't mind who hears. Er, sees, I guess. Anyway. But there's a lot of stuff going on, and I can't really talk about most of it to anyone, and it's just so much that I feel like I gotta... Well, talk it out. To myself. And a recording device.
Hell. I'm terrible at logs.
Well, okay. No one is ever gonna listen to this, probably not even me, so I'm just gonna blurt it all out, everything I've been thinking, and not worry if it makes sense.
I spilled my guts about Roger to Jim the other day, and it felt really good to talk about it, but also bad because I hate to think that Roger made me who I am. I would have been someone without him, right? I would have been a researcher, probably, and that I'm a nurse now - and I'm good at it, damnit - even though it's because I was running away, it's still my accomplishment. Or it should be. Mine, not his.
Ugh. So I've got that whole mess in my head, and then the Captain disappears, just vanishes right off the ship, and his father, too, and everyone is just... Slammed by it. He's our Captain! But McCoy... Well, obviously he's a little more slammed, and I'm worried about him, but he's my boss, and I'm me, and he's him and I think if affection and caring came up and bit him on his stubborn ass he'd probably hypo it and then shove it out an airlock and pretend he'd never seen it.
Think my metaphor ran away with me. The point is, I want to kinda take care of him, right? Because I know he must be real torn up. But he wouldn't take that from anyone, anyway, so then I just feel... Helpless. And then, like, I took a pie over to his room - there's this whole thing about pie, I'm not going to go into it - and there was someone else there and not McCoy at all, and now I'm in some kind of conspiracy or something. I don't even know. Just that the Captain's brother is a pirate who's on the ship and McCoy seems to think that only a Kirk can rescue another Kirk, or something, so even though Sam - his name, the Kirk brother, I mean - is supposed to be in the brig, he's in McCoy's quarters, instead. And now I know about it, but I promised I'd do whatever McCoy wants with the knowledge, so I can't talk about it to anyone but McCoy - who doesn't actually talk to me much, as you may have gathered, but at least it's not personal - and this Sam person - who seems nice enough, but, you know, is a pirate and also James Kirk's brother, and I don't know what else.
And, frankly, he didn't seem "nice enough." Why do I even say stuff like that? He seemed standoffish and rude. Though that was probably because he thought he was hiding out and then I let myself into the room with my medical override and hey, here's a stranger with a mysterious pie demanding to know who you are.
Tina, you're a jerk. Hell.
So. Right. Still recording. The thing is, I've got lots of friends. More now than ever. I never got along with the kids at school, not when they were my age and not when I jumped programs and they were mostly much older than me. And I got along well with my teachers and so on, but it's not really the same as having friends. And now I've got Nyota, and Nova, and the other Christine... And I'm making new friends all the time. Jim, and Bill and Len...
But there's always something I can't say, someone I can't be. Unless I'm alone. And I hate that. I don't want to be alone. And I know it's not right to put the pressure of that on the idea of a relationship. I left Roger partly because I couldn't be me with him. I could be Roger's fiancé, or Roger's assistant, or Roger's attentive pupil, but the first and most important thing I had to be was Roger's.
But I kinda want to be someone's. Just, someone who I can still be myself with, too.
And I feel like such a dick even thinking about these things at a time like this, when our Captain is missing and everyone is focusing on something that really matters. People I care about are hurting, not to mention my own concern for him and his dad. But right in the middle of it, I'm just... Pathetic.
I don't think this has helped a bit.
Maybe I'll get drunk.
Oh, and someone keeps stealing my fucking bra! What the fuck is that even about, anyway?
/end recording.
Um. I don't really do these personal logs... Never felt like I had good reason, or got anything out of it. And now I have my LiveJournal if I just need to say something and don't mind who hears. Er, sees, I guess. Anyway. But there's a lot of stuff going on, and I can't really talk about most of it to anyone, and it's just so much that I feel like I gotta... Well, talk it out. To myself. And a recording device.
Hell. I'm terrible at logs.
Well, okay. No one is ever gonna listen to this, probably not even me, so I'm just gonna blurt it all out, everything I've been thinking, and not worry if it makes sense.
I spilled my guts about Roger to Jim the other day, and it felt really good to talk about it, but also bad because I hate to think that Roger made me who I am. I would have been someone without him, right? I would have been a researcher, probably, and that I'm a nurse now - and I'm good at it, damnit - even though it's because I was running away, it's still my accomplishment. Or it should be. Mine, not his.
Ugh. So I've got that whole mess in my head, and then the Captain disappears, just vanishes right off the ship, and his father, too, and everyone is just... Slammed by it. He's our Captain! But McCoy... Well, obviously he's a little more slammed, and I'm worried about him, but he's my boss, and I'm me, and he's him and I think if affection and caring came up and bit him on his stubborn ass he'd probably hypo it and then shove it out an airlock and pretend he'd never seen it.
Think my metaphor ran away with me. The point is, I want to kinda take care of him, right? Because I know he must be real torn up. But he wouldn't take that from anyone, anyway, so then I just feel... Helpless. And then, like, I took a pie over to his room - there's this whole thing about pie, I'm not going to go into it - and there was someone else there and not McCoy at all, and now I'm in some kind of conspiracy or something. I don't even know. Just that the Captain's brother is a pirate who's on the ship and McCoy seems to think that only a Kirk can rescue another Kirk, or something, so even though Sam - his name, the Kirk brother, I mean - is supposed to be in the brig, he's in McCoy's quarters, instead. And now I know about it, but I promised I'd do whatever McCoy wants with the knowledge, so I can't talk about it to anyone but McCoy - who doesn't actually talk to me much, as you may have gathered, but at least it's not personal - and this Sam person - who seems nice enough, but, you know, is a pirate and also James Kirk's brother, and I don't know what else.
And, frankly, he didn't seem "nice enough." Why do I even say stuff like that? He seemed standoffish and rude. Though that was probably because he thought he was hiding out and then I let myself into the room with my medical override and hey, here's a stranger with a mysterious pie demanding to know who you are.
Tina, you're a jerk. Hell.
So. Right. Still recording. The thing is, I've got lots of friends. More now than ever. I never got along with the kids at school, not when they were my age and not when I jumped programs and they were mostly much older than me. And I got along well with my teachers and so on, but it's not really the same as having friends. And now I've got Nyota, and Nova, and the other Christine... And I'm making new friends all the time. Jim, and Bill and Len...
But there's always something I can't say, someone I can't be. Unless I'm alone. And I hate that. I don't want to be alone. And I know it's not right to put the pressure of that on the idea of a relationship. I left Roger partly because I couldn't be me with him. I could be Roger's fiancé, or Roger's assistant, or Roger's attentive pupil, but the first and most important thing I had to be was Roger's.
But I kinda want to be someone's. Just, someone who I can still be myself with, too.
And I feel like such a dick even thinking about these things at a time like this, when our Captain is missing and everyone is focusing on something that really matters. People I care about are hurting, not to mention my own concern for him and his dad. But right in the middle of it, I'm just... Pathetic.
I don't think this has helped a bit.
Maybe I'll get drunk.
Oh, and someone keeps stealing my fucking bra! What the fuck is that even about, anyway?
/end recording.